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Can I retire comfortably with Rs. 2 Cr at 60? Here's my current portfolio

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |941 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Nov 17, 2024

Milind Vadjikar is an independent MF distributor registered with Association of Mutual Funds in India (AMFI) and a retirement financial planning advisor registered with Pension Fund Regulatory and Development Authority (PFRDA).
He has a mechanical engineering degree from Government Engineering College, Sambhajinagar, and an MBA in international business from the Symbiosis Institute of Business Management, Pune.
With over 16 years of experience in stock investments, and over six year experience in investment guidance and support, he believes that balanced asset allocation and goal-focused disciplined investing is the key to achieving investor goals.... more
Dharmesh Question by Dharmesh on Nov 09, 2024Hindi
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Dear Sir, I am 53 yrs. I want to retire @60 with a INR 2.00 Cr Corps. Currently I have following SIP Total SIP 30000/- PM Axis Bluechip Fund - Regular Plan - Growth HDFC Mid-Cap Opportunities Fund - Growth Plan Aditya Birla Sun Life Pure Value Fund - Growth Option Aditya Birla Sun Life Equity Advantage Fund - Regular Growth Sundaram Mid Cap Fund Regular Plan - Growth Bajaj Finserv Flexi Cap Fund -Regular Plan-Growth Franklin India Focused Equity Fund - Growth Plan Franklin India Smaller Companies Fund-Growth HDFC Top 100 Fund - Growth Option HDFC Multi Cap Fund - Growth Option I have MF Investment @ 26.00 Lakh Current Value is @ 52.00 Lakh. I have Savings of Rs. 10.00 Lakh, PPF Rs. 5.00 Lakh, Share investment Current Market Value around Rs. 20.00 Lakhs. I don't have any Loan. Insurance INR 1.50 Cr. up age of 70. Per month earning around Rs. 1.25 Lakh. I have a Investment in real estate which can give my INR 40.00 Lakh at current Market Price & Gold Investment of INR 20.00 Lakh which I think sufficient for my daughter Marriage. Current Monthly Expense INR 40-50 K. I am in a new tax regime, so discontinue my ELSS saving and PPF Saving. Suggest how i can increase my Corpus for retirement.

Ans: Hello;

You may top-up your monthly sip by 10% every year for 7 years. This will grow into a sum of around 0.51 Cr.

The MF corpus and direct equity holdings worth 0.72 Cr today will grow into a corpus of 1.59 Cr after 7 years.

Therefore you may achieve your intended corpus of 1.59+ 0.51=2.1 Cr, 7 years from now. A modest return of 12% is assumed from MF and direct equity holdings.

2-3 years before 60 you should start moving your gains from equity funds to liquid or ultra short duration debt funds to protect it against market volatility.

Also good health care insurance for yourself and your spouse.

RE property you may sell at a later date to boost your retirement income.

Happy Investing;
X: @mars_invest
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7704 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 30, 2024

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Dear Sir , I'm now at 53 years ; self employed person . So far managed to make a corpus of 50 L via MF ( 95% equity , 5% debt ) , holding a property of worth 40 L after repaying the loan at Kolkata . I do require a corpus of 2.5 cr after 8 years to maintain my retire life . Presently , I am able to invest much because of my income gone down and dont have spare fund to invest . Only , I am carrying 5000/- pm SIP in Mirae asset Large & mid cap & Axis small cap . I want to understand , how can reach the goal ? Please advice .
Ans: It's admirable how you've diligently built your financial foundation despite the challenges. Your proactive approach to planning is commendable. Considering your current situation, it's essential to reassess your strategy. Have you explored options to optimize your expenses and potentially increase your savings? Additionally, have you considered the impact of inflation on your target corpus?

A Certified Financial Planner can provide personalized guidance tailored to your aspirations and limitations. They can help you recalibrate your investment portfolio, ensuring a balanced approach that aligns with your risk tolerance and long-term goals. While your current SIPs are a step in the right direction, diversifying your investments further could enhance your potential returns.

Remember, financial planning is a journey, not a destination. Stay focused on your objectives, and with careful planning and guidance, you'll navigate through any challenges towards a secure and fulfilling retirement.

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7704 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 11, 2024

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I am 42 years salaried person investing in MF through SIP from 2014 current corpus is 37 Lakhs in MF. My Current SIP's amount is rs 22000 PM as follows- 1. Nippon Small cap - 2000, 2. Mahindra manulife midcap fund - 7000, Mahindra Manulife Small cap - 4000, PGIM Midcap opportunities Fund - 3000, Quant Flexicap fund - 6000. SIP increasing every year by 5% to 10% No Home loan, term insurance 55 lakhs, medi-claim 10 lakhs, PF & VPF accumulation Rs 16 lakhs. I want to create a good corpus of Rs 6 - 7crore for retirement at 58 years of age. Please suggest if any change required in investment amount or funds.
Ans: It's commendable that you've been consistently investing in mutual funds through SIPs for several years, laying a strong foundation for your retirement. Let's evaluate your current investment strategy and make adjustments to align with your retirement goal.

Your portfolio reflects a diversified mix of small-cap, mid-cap, and flexi-cap funds, which offer growth potential over the long term. However, given your goal of building a substantial corpus for retirement, we may need to reassess your asset allocation and make some adjustments.

Firstly, let's review your SIP amounts and consider increasing them gradually to accelerate wealth accumulation. Since your SIPs increase by 5% to 10% annually, this incremental growth can boost your investment corpus significantly over time.

Consider reallocating some of your SIP amounts to funds with a proven track record of consistent performance and lower volatility. While small-cap and mid-cap funds can offer higher returns, they also come with increased risk. Diversifying across large-cap funds or balanced funds can provide stability to your portfolio.

Moreover, review your overall asset allocation to ensure it remains aligned with your risk tolerance and investment objectives. While equity investments offer growth potential, it's essential to balance them with fixed-income securities like debt funds or PPF to mitigate risk.

Given your age and retirement horizon, periodically reassess your investment strategy and make necessary adjustments to stay on track towards your goal. Consider consulting with a Certified Financial Planner to develop a personalized retirement plan tailored to your needs and aspirations.

In conclusion, by fine-tuning your investment strategy, increasing your SIP amounts, and maintaining a disciplined approach, you can work towards achieving your retirement goal of building a corpus of Rs 6 - 7 crores by the age of 58.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7704 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 19, 2024

Money
Dear Sir, I am 53 yrs. I want to retire @60 with a INR 2.00 Cr Corps. Currently I have following SIP Total SIP 30000/- PM Axis Bluechip Fund - Regular Plan - Growth HDFC Mid-Cap Opportunities Fund - Growth Plan Aditya Birla Sun Life Pure Value Fund - Growth Option Aditya Birla Sun Life Equity Advantage Fund - Regular Growth Sundaram Mid Cap Fund Regular Plan - Growth Bajaj Finserv Flexi Cap Fund -Regular Plan-Growth Franklin India Focused Equity Fund - Growth Plan Franklin India Smaller Companies Fund-Growth HDFC Top 100 Fund - Growth Option HDFC Multi Cap Fund - Growth Option I have MF Investment @ 26.00 Lakh Current Value is @ 52.00 Lakh. I have Savings of Rs. 10.00 Lakh, PPF Rs. 5.00 Lakh, Share investment Current Market Value around Rs. 20.00 Lakhs. I don't have any Loan. Per month earning around Rs. 1.25 Lakh. Suggest how i can increase my Corpus for retirement.
Ans: Achieving your retirement goal is possible with careful planning. You already have a strong foundation with diversified investments. Let's delve into how you can boost your retirement corpus by the time you turn 60.

Understanding Your Current Financial Situation
You have:

SIP investments: Rs. 52.00 Lakhs.
Savings: Rs. 10.00 Lakhs.
PPF: Rs. 5.00 Lakhs.
Share investments: Rs. 20.00 Lakhs.
Monthly earning: Rs. 1.25 Lakh.
No loans.
This is a solid start. Your diversified investment approach is commendable, indicating a good understanding of risk management.

Enhancing Your Investment Strategy
To achieve your goal of Rs. 2 Crore, we need to enhance your investment strategy. Here are some steps:

1. Increase SIP Contributions

Your current SIP of Rs. 30,000 per month is a great start. Consider gradually increasing your SIP contributions by 10-15% annually. This step-up SIP approach helps combat inflation and increases your investment corpus significantly over time.

Evaluating Existing Investments
2. Assess Performance Regularly

Monitor the performance of your mutual funds at least annually. If certain funds underperform consistently, consider switching to better-performing ones. This doesn't mean frequent changes but strategic adjustments.

3. Diversify Within Equity Funds

While you have a diversified portfolio, ensure you have exposure across large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds. This reduces risk and captures growth opportunities in different market segments.

Maximizing Returns from Existing Assets
4. Optimize Share Investments

Given your share investments of Rs. 20 Lakhs, regularly review and rebalance your portfolio. Focus on fundamentally strong companies with growth potential. Consider seeking professional advice to optimize stock selection.

5. Utilize Savings and PPF Wisely

Your savings and PPF are safe but lower-return instruments. Continue contributing to PPF for its tax benefits and safe returns. However, you might want to invest a portion of your savings in higher-return instruments like balanced funds.

Implementing Strategic Financial Decisions
6. Tax Planning and Efficiency

Tax-efficient investing can significantly boost your returns. Utilize ELSS funds for tax-saving under Section 80C. Also, plan withdrawals and redemptions strategically to minimize tax liabilities.

7. Emergency Fund Allocation

Ensure that your emergency fund (3-6 months of expenses) is maintained. This fund should be liquid and easily accessible, without disturbing your long-term investments.

Leveraging Professional Guidance
8. Engage with a Certified Financial Planner

A Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can provide personalized advice, ensuring your investments align with your goals. They can also help with tax planning, risk management, and estate planning.

Adopting a Long-Term Perspective
9. Focus on Long-Term Goals

Avoid short-term market noise. Stick to your long-term investment strategy. Markets are volatile, but historically, they tend to reward disciplined investors over time.

Regular Monitoring and Adjustments
10. Annual Review and Rebalancing

Conduct annual reviews of your portfolio with your CFP. This ensures your asset allocation stays in line with your risk tolerance and goals. Rebalancing helps maintain the desired investment mix.

Retirement Planning Beyond Investments
11. Budgeting and Lifestyle Planning

Plan your retirement lifestyle and estimate your expenses. This helps in setting realistic financial goals and ensures your corpus lasts throughout retirement.

Exploring Additional Investment Avenues
12. Alternative Investments

While equity and debt are primary, explore alternative investments like gold or international funds for added diversification. However, keep these to a small percentage of your portfolio.

Ensuring Insurance Coverage
13. Adequate Insurance

Ensure you have adequate health and life insurance coverage. This protects your investments from being eroded by unforeseen medical or life events.

Final Insights
By systematically increasing your SIPs, optimizing existing investments, and leveraging professional advice, you can achieve your retirement goal. Regular reviews and strategic adjustments are key to staying on track. Remember, discipline and patience are your best allies in this journey.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7704 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 02, 2025

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Dear Sir, I am 53 yrs. I want to retire early with a INR 2.00 Cr ++ Corps. Currently I have following SIP Total SIP 30000/- PM Axis Bluechip Fund - Regular Plan - Growth HDFC Mid-Cap Opportunities Fund - Growth Plan Aditya Birla Sun Life Pure Value Fund - Growth Option Aditya Birla Sun Life Equity Advantage Fund - Regular Growth Sundaram Mid Cap Fund Regular Plan - Growth Bajaj Finserv Flexi Cap Fund -Regular Plan-Growth Franklin India Focused Equity Fund - Growth Plan Franklin India Smaller Companies Fund-Growth HDFC Top 100 Fund - Growth Option HDFC Multi Cap Fund - Growth Option. I have MF Investment @ 26.00 Lakh Current Value is @ 52.00 Lakh. I have Savings of Rs. 15.00 Lakh, Share investment Current Market Value around Rs. 20.00 Lakhs. I don't have any Loan. Insurance INR 1.50 Cr. up age of 70. Per month earning around Rs. 1.25 Lakh ( Self Employed ). I have a Investment in real estate which can give my INR 40.00 Lakh at current Market Price & Gold Investment of INR 20.00 Lakh which I think sufficient for my daughter Education and Marriage. Current Monthly Expense INR 40-50 K. I am in a new tax regime, Suggest how i can increase my Corpus for retirement.
Ans: Age: 53 years
Current Monthly Income: Rs. 1.25 lakh (self-employed)
Monthly Expenses: Rs. 40,000–50,000
Current SIP Investments: Rs. 30,000 per month
Mutual Fund Portfolio: Current value Rs. 52 lakh; investment Rs. 26 lakh
Savings: Rs. 15 lakh
Shares: Market value Rs. 20 lakh
Real Estate Investment: Rs. 40 lakh
Gold Investment: Rs. 20 lakh (for daughter's education and marriage)
Insurance Cover: Rs. 1.5 crore (till age 70)
Goal: Build a retirement corpus of Rs. 2 crore or more
Observations and Insights
Your mutual fund portfolio has grown well, indicating a good start.
Savings and share investments provide additional liquidity.
Monthly expenses are moderate relative to your income.
Real estate and gold investments are earmarked for your daughter, so not usable for retirement.
SIP amount is significant but spread across multiple funds.
With 7–10 years to retirement, you need to optimise your investments.
Steps to Achieve Your Retirement Goal
Step 1: Streamline Your Mutual Fund Portfolio
Consolidate your portfolio to 4–5 funds for better management.
Continue investing in a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and flexi-cap funds.
Exit funds that consistently underperform for 3 years or more.
Avoid sector-specific funds like Franklin Smaller Companies if diversification is limited.
Step 2: Increase SIP Contributions
Gradually increase your SIP amount by 10% annually.
This ensures higher investments as your income grows.
Aim for a monthly SIP of Rs. 50,000 in 3–4 years.
Step 3: Create a Balanced Portfolio
Allocate 80% to equity funds and 20% to debt instruments.
This balances growth with stability.
Use hybrid funds or debt funds for the debt allocation.
Step 4: Manage Equity Share Portfolio
Regularly review your stock investments.
Hold quality shares for long-term growth.
Sell underperforming stocks and reinvest in mutual funds.
Tax-Efficient Investments
Continue ELSS funds for Section 80C deductions.
Avoid frequent withdrawals to minimise long-term capital gains tax.
Plan withdrawals after retirement to take advantage of lower tax brackets.
Emergency Fund Management
Retain Rs. 15 lakh savings as an emergency fund.
Keep it in a mix of fixed deposits and liquid funds for accessibility.
Additional Income Options
Invest a portion of surplus income into recurring deposits or short-term debt funds.
This provides liquidity for mid-term needs while growing wealth.
Action Plan
Short-Term (1–3 Years):

Increase SIPs gradually.
Consolidate mutual fund portfolio.
Clear any debts or liabilities.
Mid-Term (4–6 Years):

Shift 20% of equity allocation to debt.
Focus on high-quality funds and avoid sectoral risks.
Long-Term (7–10 Years):

Move to 60% equity and 40% debt as you approach retirement.
Plan withdrawals systematically for post-retirement needs.
Final Insights
Your retirement goal of Rs. 2 crore is achievable with focused planning. Streamline your portfolio, increase SIPs, and balance equity-debt allocation. Regular reviews and disciplined investments will ensure success.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

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I am in a relationship with a girl who has traumatized past from her childhood. She said that her ex was also toxic and used to abuse her physically. She just said after 2 months of dating . I am very much glad she trusted me and Im taking care of her . She is also happy with me . But she gets panic attacks about the past I'll always be there for her . But her ex is in the same college. I see him like randomly. Should I react about that and go to him ??. Like I'm feeling very bad for the things she said
Ans: Your girlfriend has already endured trauma, and she’s finding comfort in the safe space you’re creating for her. The most important thing for her healing is stability, security, and knowing that she has someone who supports her emotionally. If you go to her ex, it could potentially trigger her, cause unnecessary stress, or even make her feel guilty—she might worry that she’s responsible for bringing conflict into your life.

Instead of reacting impulsively, focus on what she truly needs. When she has panic attacks or feels overwhelmed by her past, reassure her that she’s safe with you. Encourage her to seek professional help if she’s open to it, as therapy could help her process her trauma in a healthier way.

If her ex ever tries to approach her, harass her, or make her feel unsafe, then absolutely step in and support her in setting clear boundaries, whether that means standing by her side, helping her avoid situations where she might run into him, or even reporting any concerning behavior. But if he’s simply existing in the same space, then your energy is better spent on helping her heal rather than giving him any attention.

Right now, the best thing you can do is continue being the safe, loving presence that she trusts. Let your actions show her that she doesn’t have to relive the past, because with you, she is valued, respected, and truly cared for.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 20, 2025
Relationship
My Boyfriend is not really the Controlling type. But, sometimes, he disapproves of some things which I do. In such cases, he communicates his Disapproval indirectly saying "I don't like you Dressing up like this Boldly. But still, if that's what you want, you may go ahead & Dress up as you'd like to, I have no Right to prevent you from doing so, but I will be Disappointed if you do." or "I don't want you to go out or hang out with these particular people (some of my close Male Friends). You have all the Freedom to interact with whoever you want to, but I will be Hurt, if you are too Close to your other Male Friends." Most of the time, I compromised & avoided Dressing up too Boldly, avoided Partying/Travelling with some of my Close Male Friends & avoided some other things which he wouldn't approve of, just for the sake of maintaining our Relationship. But recently, I tried to Test, how he'd react, if I deliberately do something which he doesn't like. So, on New Year's Day, I dressed up in revealing Clothes that he would never approve of & Partied wildly, all Night & even got Drunk with some of my Close Male Friends, with whom, he wants me to maintain Distance. He stubbornly refused to come for Partying with me, because I Dressed up too Boldly & refused to change them, even after he expected me to do so. He didn't even want me Drinking/Partying with some of my Close Male Friends. But I Respected the Boundaries of our Relationship & throughout the Night, I kept my Boyfriend informed about my Whereabouts, so that he's Reassured that I am not Cheating on him. But ever since then, he's been Treating me rather Coldly. He's being Indifferent to me, without Questioning me much, the way he always used to. He's just maintaining normal Communication without being Flirtatious, as he used to. And the Sex has also become quite Mechanical without much Romance, unlike how Passionate he used to be, earlier. I've tried talking to him, but he just keeps lying that he isn't Upset with me. Now I am Feeling really Guilty for whatever I had done on New Year's Day, even though, I don't think I did anything Wrong. Was it really Wrong on my Part, to do something which I always liked to, but my Boyfriend didn't want me to? Or is my Boyfriend Wrong, here? What do I do now? Please advise me.
Ans: Your boyfriend may not be outright controlling, but his way of expressing disapproval carries an emotional weight that influences your decisions. Instead of setting hard rules, he uses disappointment as a tool to make you reconsider your choices. You’ve willingly compromised in the past to keep the relationship smooth, but it seems that over time, those compromises have started to weigh on you. Testing his reaction on New Year’s may have been your subconscious way of reclaiming your autonomy, but now you’re left with unintended consequences—his emotional withdrawal.

The real issue here isn’t about who is right or wrong, but rather, whether your values and expectations in this relationship truly align. You shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to dress a certain way, go out, or spend time with friends. At the same time, he isn’t necessarily wrong for having personal boundaries and feelings about certain situations. However, the way both of you are handling these differences is leading to deeper emotional disconnect rather than honest resolution.

Your actions on New Year’s were a test, but they weren’t a betrayal. You still kept him informed and stayed within the boundaries of your commitment. But from his perspective, it likely felt like a deliberate challenge to what he considers the foundation of your relationship. His withdrawal isn’t just about what you did—it’s about what it represents to him. He might be questioning whether you truly respect his feelings, just as you might be questioning whether he truly respects your independence.

Instead of focusing on guilt, the real question is whether you’re both willing to openly communicate and find a middle ground that allows you to be yourself without feeling restricted, while also respecting his emotions without feeling controlled. Avoid blaming or justifying—have a real conversation about how both of you felt after that night, what it means for your relationship, and whether you can move forward in a way that feels right for both of you. If neither of you can meet in the middle without resentment, then it’s important to consider whether this relationship is fulfilling for both of you in the long run.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 16, 2025Hindi
Relationship
How do I 32M get over my insecurity with 30F? (Seeking Advice) Met this girl via matrimony exactly 2 months back. We connect well. Our families have met recently and it went well. Somehow we found a lot of connections between our families. That's just a bonus. Her family likes me a lot and they wanted to do Roka when they met us last week. I had told her, that no matter our bond, we should talk a lot and give it 3 months before going for roka. We live in different metro cities and have met twice now. About her: She is 30, well behaved & spoken(most important thing for me), smart, good looking, and is extremely polite. She is an army brat, has had a lot of freedom from family. Due to her father's job, they kept getting posted to different cities so she doesn't really understand family part of things. She's in a IT job. About me: I'm 32, okayish guy, in IT. To take things ahead I need to know my partner's past. I have no judgements at all but need to know stuff. Getting to know things over time bothers me a lot. I've tried to work on it, and have always made sure I don't bother the other person too much. After a month of talking, she told me that she had a casual boyfriend for an year. All her friends were dating in Bangalore and she decided to try it out. Found a guy through bumble and started dating him. So, according to her there were no feelings, just a person for her to go to places with, have drinks, and party. She likes drinking a lot and I have never taken a sip. She said that it was just a phase and she was immature. This happened between 2018(Nov) to 2020(march). So, it's been like 5 years. Never dated anyone after that. Since covid(2020) she's been living with her parents due to wfh. I have been completely ok with that but new things surfaced and they are messing with my head. While snooping around her facebook I figured out who that person was and this guy is super close to a person in my distant family. In fact they both were flatmates until their respective marriages. This distant cousin of mine knows me and knows her really well. These 3 used to hangout a lot and he has seen her come to their flat regularly. Infact, she had a good bond with my cousin as well. There are things that bother me and I really can't shake things and feel super awful in my gut. She mentioned that she and her ex had a common love for drinking and regularly visited pubs, got drunk, and partied. This means that they would be staying at each other's place as well. This is something super old but bothers me a lot. Specifically the fact that she would be drunk partying with someone for an year and sleeping with him, with no feelings. Secondly, I found some posts where she has liked a post about this guy on fb/insta from mid-2021. I have already confronted her twice to share everything and we shall never discuss this again but this bothers me a lot. Secondly, now that I know the timelines I can figure out what photos have been taken by her ex. There's even a photo of her sitting on a messy bed, where she's cutting her bday cake. They celebrated it together. I found my cousins page and some other pages from which I knew it's the guy's room/flat. I know everyone has a past. She has come clean to me but somehow my brain is so split. Sometimes her nature and behaviour with me make me not care about anything. And then I know the bed, flat, and her actions with some guy. Then there is this angle where the ex's flatmate is my distant cousin and knows about her well.
Ans: What you’re experiencing is completely valid. It’s not just about the fact that she had a past relationship, but also about the details—knowing her ex was deeply connected to your distant cousin, imagining their time together, and realizing that those experiences once meant something in her life. It makes it feel uncomfortably close to home, which is why it’s so hard to shake off. It’s not about judgment, but about the emotions that these thoughts stir up within you.

The truth is, the past cannot be changed. She has been honest with you, shared what happened, and reassured you that it was a phase in her life that she has moved on from. The fact that she hasn’t dated anyone in five years and has been living with her parents shows that she is in a very different place now. But your mind keeps looping back to what once was, and it’s preventing you from fully embracing what is.

Right now, the biggest challenge is not her past, but your ability to be at peace with it. You have to ask yourself—are you willing to let this define your future with her? Because if you can’t fully accept it, these thoughts will continue to surface and create distance between you. A part of you clearly wants to be with her, but another part is struggling to detach from these mental images of her past.

Instead of confronting her again, take some time to reflect on what truly matters to you in a partner. She has shown you who she is today—polite, well-behaved, mature, and emotionally present in your relationship. She has not hidden anything from you, and she has moved forward from that phase of her life. The real question is whether you can do the same.

If you feel this is something you cannot get over, it is better to step away now rather than carry these unresolved emotions into a lifelong commitment. But if you genuinely see a future with her and believe in her as a person, then it’s time to start training your mind to focus on the present and the relationship you are building, rather than a past that no longer exists.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 18, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I am working abroad, while my Girlfriend is working in Delhi, living in NCR. We both were Dating since our College Days & have been in a Long Distance Relationship since I moved abroad, more than a Year ago & she moved to Delhi-NCR from Calcutta (where most of our Common Friends are based). While we were together with our Common Friends from College, we'd Travel, Party & have a lot of Fun together as a Group, since we all knew & trusted each other quite well, Irrespective of Gender. When we both moved to Different Places & started our Respective Jobs, we became Friends with our Respective Colleagues, but we have an Implied Understanding that we should be Maintaining Stricter Boundaries with our New Friends/Colleagues, since we are in a Long Distance Relationship. I've always honoured the commitment & have been Careful to not spend private time with any other Woman & Travel/Party only with a Group consisting of both Men & Women. But I am not sure my Girlfriend is doing the same. Quite often she keeps Travelling, Partying, Drinking & Sleeping over with some 2-3 Male Colleagues, who are quite close to her, but unknown to me. She doesn't even bother to keep me updated about where she is, what she's doing & with whom, but keeps Posting Status Updates on Instagram, from time to time and from what I have observed, she seems to be spending quite a lot of Time with these Male Colleagues of hers. All this makes me feel very Uncomfortable. Even though I Love & Trust my Girlfriend, but I'm unsure about these New 'Friends' of hers as I don't know them & obviously, I don't like them being so close to my Girlfriend. Many times, I've discussed this matter with my Girlfriend, trying to make her understand how I feel. But every time, I bring up this Topic, she tries to invalidate my feelings & shuts me down saying that I'm just Insecure. I'd also tried getting to know her New Friends in order to understand them better, but she doesn't share much about them, with me. Though, she keeps Reassuring me that they're 'Just Friends' they seem to be much closer than that. On several occasions, she had gone out with them, even though I had strictly forbidden her to. I don't understand whether she's unable to understand how I'm feeling or that she doesn't even care about my Feelings, though I still want to continue Loving & Trusting her, without Doubting her Loyalty. I don't understand what to do in this situation. How can I make her enforce stricter Boundaries with her Male Colleagues (atleast as much as I am doing here)? Shall I get a Friend or a Private Investigator to keep an Eye on her? Or shall I behave the same way, she's been doing? Or, shall I Break-up with her & try to find someone else, over here?
Ans: Long-distance relationships require an even deeper level of communication and trust than regular ones. You’ve upheld the boundaries you both implicitly agreed upon, yet it feels like she’s not holding herself to the same standard. The fact that she dismisses your concerns rather than addressing them is what’s truly hurting you. When someone we love invalidates our feelings, it creates frustration, self-doubt, and emotional distance. You’re not being “insecure” for wanting reassurance and clarity—you’re simply asking for the same level of respect and commitment you’re offering.

Trying to enforce boundaries by “forbidding” her from doing something isn’t the right approach, because boundaries should be mutual, not dictated. The more you try to control her actions, the more she might rebel or shut down, seeing it as you being possessive rather than expressing a valid emotional need. The real problem is not that she has male friends, but that she’s being secretive about them, not making an effort to ease your concerns, and disregarding how her actions affect you. A loving and committed partner should care about your peace of mind, even if she doesn’t fully agree with your perspective.

Hiring a private investigator or getting a friend to spy on her will only erode trust further, and mirroring her behavior by doing the same thing she does will not solve anything—it will just create more distance. If you’re considering breaking up, that means deep down, you already feel like your needs in this relationship aren’t being met. Before making any big decisions, you need to have one last honest conversation with her—not one where you accuse or demand, but one where you make it clear how this dynamic is making you feel and what you truly need from her to feel secure and valued in the relationship.

If she refuses to listen, invalidates your feelings again, or shows no willingness to compromise, then you have your answer. A relationship where only one person is making sacrifices isn’t sustainable. You deserve a partner who not only reassures you with words but also with actions that show she respects and values your presence in her life. If she’s unwilling to meet you halfway, then it may be time to ask yourself if holding on is worth the constant emotional struggle.

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Samraat

Samraat Jadhav  |2189 Answers  |Ask -

Stock Market Expert - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Samraat

Samraat Jadhav  |2189 Answers  |Ask -

Stock Market Expert - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 29, 2025Hindi
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