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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7704 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 03, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jun 23, 2024Hindi
Money

I am 50 years age. My monthly expenses are 1 Lacs PM. I do not have any loan and stay in my own house. I want to plan early retirement and my investment are Equity - 1.5 cr MF - 50 L PPF - 25 L PF - 50 L FD for child higher education - 50 L Property - 85 L (get 20 K rent PM) Is my corpus sufficient to maintain current life style ? What should be my investment split if I take retirement now.

Ans: I understand your situation and goals. Let’s delve into an early retirement plan for you, considering your current investments and future needs.

Understanding Your Current Financial Situation
You are 50 years old, aiming for early retirement. Your monthly expenses are Rs. 1 lakh. You live in your own house, with no loan liabilities, which is great. Here’s a breakdown of your investments:

Equity: Rs. 1.5 crore
Mutual Funds (MF): Rs. 50 lakh
Public Provident Fund (PPF): Rs. 25 lakh
Provident Fund (PF): Rs. 50 lakh
Fixed Deposit (FD) for child’s higher education: Rs. 50 lakh
Property: Rs. 85 lakh (generating Rs. 20,000 rent per month)
Evaluating Your Retirement Corpus
To maintain your current lifestyle, you need a substantial retirement corpus. Let’s assess if your current investments are sufficient.

Monthly Expenses and Retirement Period
Assuming you want to retire now and live up to 85 years, your retirement period is 35 years. Your current monthly expenses are Rs. 1 lakh, totaling Rs. 12 lakh annually. Considering inflation and other factors, this amount will increase over time.

Rental Income
You earn Rs. 20,000 per month from your property, which translates to Rs. 2.4 lakh annually. This income will help supplement your retirement corpus.

Analyzing Your Investments
Equity Investments
Equity investments of Rs. 1.5 crore have the potential for high growth but come with higher risk. Equities are suitable for long-term wealth creation due to the power of compounding and potential for higher returns.

Mutual Funds
You have Rs. 50 lakh in mutual funds. A diversified mutual fund portfolio can balance risk and returns, offering growth and stability. Equity mutual funds can provide high returns, while debt mutual funds offer stability and regular income.

Public Provident Fund (PPF)
Your PPF amount is Rs. 25 lakh. PPF is a safe investment with tax benefits and fixed returns, suitable for long-term goals.

Provident Fund (PF)
You have Rs. 50 lakh in your PF. Similar to PPF, PF offers stable returns and tax benefits, contributing significantly to your retirement corpus.

Fixed Deposit (FD) for Child’s Education
You have Rs. 50 lakh in FD for your child’s higher education. This amount is earmarked for a specific purpose and should remain untouched for retirement planning.

Planning for Early Retirement
To plan for early retirement, consider the following steps:

1. Assess Retirement Corpus Requirement
Calculate the total corpus required to sustain your lifestyle. You need Rs. 1 lakh per month, totaling Rs. 12 lakh annually. Over 35 years, accounting for inflation, you need a substantial corpus.

2. Investment Split Post-Retirement
Post-retirement, your investments should balance growth and stability. Here’s a suggested investment split:

Equity: 30%
Debt Mutual Funds: 30%
PPF and PF: 30%
FDs and Other Safe Instruments: 10%
3. Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP)
Use SWPs to withdraw a fixed amount regularly from your mutual funds. SWPs provide a regular income, ensuring financial stability without depleting your corpus rapidly.

Detailed Investment Strategy
1. Equity Investments
Keep 30% of your corpus in equity investments. Equities offer high growth potential but come with volatility. Diversify your equity investments across large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap stocks to balance risk and returns.

2. Mutual Funds
Mutual funds are a crucial part of your retirement planning. Here’s a detailed look at the types of mutual funds:

Equity Mutual Funds: Invest in stocks, offering high growth potential. Suitable for long-term wealth creation.
Debt Mutual Funds: Invest in bonds and fixed-income securities, offering stability and regular income.
Hybrid Mutual Funds: Invest in a mix of equity and debt, providing a balanced approach.
The power of compounding in mutual funds can significantly grow your wealth over time. Reinvested earnings generate additional returns, creating a snowball effect.

3. PPF and PF
PPF and PF are safe investments with guaranteed returns and tax benefits. Keep 30% of your corpus in these instruments. They provide stability and security, essential for a retired life.

4. Fixed Deposits and Safe Instruments
Allocate 10% of your corpus to FDs and other safe instruments. These provide liquidity and safety, ensuring funds are available for emergencies.

Risk Management and Diversification
1. Diversification
Diversify your investments across asset classes to manage risk. A balanced portfolio of equities, debt, and safe instruments can weather market volatility and provide steady returns.

2. Regular Review and Rebalancing
Regularly review and rebalance your portfolio. Adjust your investments based on market conditions and changing financial goals. Rebalancing ensures your portfolio remains aligned with your risk tolerance and retirement objectives.

Power of Compounding
Compounding plays a significant role in wealth creation. By reinvesting your returns, you can generate additional returns on your investments. This snowball effect can significantly grow your corpus over time.

Final Insights
Planning for early retirement requires careful consideration and strategic investment. Here’s a summary of key points:

Assess Retirement Corpus: Calculate the total corpus required to sustain your lifestyle.
Diversify Investments: Maintain a diversified portfolio with a mix of equity, debt, and safe instruments.
Systematic Withdrawal Plan: Use SWPs to ensure a regular income post-retirement.
Review and Rebalance: Regularly review and rebalance your portfolio to align with your goals and risk tolerance.
Seek Professional Guidance: Consult a Certified Financial Planner for personalized advice and strategies.
By following these strategies, you can achieve financial security and a comfortable lifestyle post-retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Asked by Anonymous - Jun 30, 2024Hindi
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Hi I am a working women at 40. I have about 50 lacs debt in home loan. I have a house worth 2.0 crs and gold around 1 crore. I want to plan my retirement fund as I m in a high burnt out corporate job. My retirement age is 50 years. I can invest 75k monthly comfortably apart from my house emi and monthly expenses. What split do you suggest for me so that I have 4 crs corpus at the time of retirement. Thanks
Ans: You're a working woman at 40, aiming to retire at 50 with a target corpus of Rs. 4 crores. Here’s a strategic approach to achieve your goal:

Current Financial Overview
Assets: House worth Rs. 2 crores, gold valued at Rs. 1 crore.
Liabilities: Home loan debt of Rs. 50 lakhs.
Monthly Investment Capacity
Comfortable monthly investment capacity of Rs. 75,000, excluding home loan EMIs and regular expenses.
Investment Strategy
Diversified Portfolio: Allocate investments across equity and debt instruments.
Equity Allocation: Consider equity mutual funds for growth potential.
Debt Allocation: Allocate a portion to debt instruments like debt mutual funds or fixed income options for stability.
Risk Management
Diversification: Spread investments to mitigate risks associated with any single asset class.
Regular Review: Periodically review and rebalance portfolio based on market conditions and financial goals.
Retirement Corpus Projection
Target Corpus: Aim for Rs. 4 crores by age 50.
Investment Horizon: Plan investments with a focus on long-term growth and compounding.
Financial Discipline
Expense Management: Monitor and control discretionary expenses to maximize savings.
Debt Repayment: Continue servicing home loan while focusing on wealth accumulation for retirement.
Final Insights
By adopting a disciplined approach to investment, balancing risk with growth potential, and staying committed to your financial plan, you can build a substantial retirement corpus by age 50. Seek professional guidance to tailor an investment strategy aligned with your specific financial circumstances.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7704 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 26, 2024

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Hi my name is Somani, I have completed 39 years and planning to retire in my career, below are my current financial situation. Saving account: 5 Lac FD: 15 Lac, all maturing in 2026 Mutual fund: 28 Lac (current value: 36 Lac, Large cap: 50%, Mid cap: 26%, Small cap: 22%, Other: 2%) Gold Bonds: 3.5 Lac (current value: 6.85 Lac) Equity share: 26 Lac (current value: 47 Lac) NPS: current value: 6 Lac EPFO: 12.25 Lac PPF: 7.67 Lac Term Plan: 1 Cr Pension Plan after 60: 30k approx monthly Health insurance: 13 Lac whole family My wife is working and gets around 70k in hand Having one daughter, age is 8 year and studying in 2nd class My father is retired and below are his financial situation Pension: 45k approx per month FD: 1 cr Equity Share/Mutual fund/ Gold bonds: 1 cr approx Property: 80 Lac approx current valuation Own House: 1.75 cr - 2 cr current valuation Rental income: 18k approx per month Please guide me on above data, how much corpus I should have to have a peaceful retirement considering my current monthly expense around 1.25 Lac per month.
Ans: You have a strong and diverse financial foundation. Let us analyse it comprehensively.

Liquid Assets
Savings account balance of Rs 5 lakh offers immediate liquidity.

Fixed deposits worth Rs 15 lakh maturing in 2026 ensure mid-term stability.

Investments
Mutual fund portfolio of Rs 36 lakh is well-diversified across large, mid, and small caps.

Gold bonds with a current value of Rs 6.85 lakh add stability and hedge against inflation.

Equity shares valued at Rs 47 lakh showcase significant growth.

National Pension System (NPS) holding of Rs 6 lakh offers retirement-oriented savings.

Retirement Savings
EPFO corpus of Rs 12.25 lakh and PPF balance of Rs 7.67 lakh ensure steady long-term growth.

Term plan coverage of Rs 1 crore secures your family's future.

Family Support
Your wife’s monthly income of Rs 70,000 provides stability.

Your father’s solid financial base and Rs 45,000 pension ensure reduced dependency.

Estimating Retirement Corpus
Retirement planning requires addressing future expenses, inflation, and longevity.

Monthly Expense Analysis
Your current expenses of Rs 1.25 lakh per month are significant.

Adjust for post-retirement expenses like reduced work-related costs but increased healthcare spending.

Corpus Needed
For a peaceful retirement, aim for a corpus that generates Rs 1.25 lakh monthly for at least 30 years.

Factor in inflation at 6-7% annually to maintain purchasing power.

A corpus of Rs 12-15 crore is recommended for financial independence.

Strategic Recommendations
Step 1: Optimising Current Assets
Avoid excessive reliance on savings accounts and fixed deposits due to lower returns.

Reinvest FD maturity proceeds into higher-yielding instruments like mutual funds.

Step 2: Enhancing Mutual Fund Investments
Increase mutual fund allocation to Rs 50 lakh in a staggered manner.

Focus on actively managed funds for better performance over passive options like index funds.

Diversify further across asset classes and maintain a balance between equity and debt.

Step 3: Consolidating Gold and Equity
Gold bonds and equity shares have grown well.

Retain gold bonds for stability but monitor equity shares for market risks.

Systematically transfer gains from volatile equity to stable debt funds or hybrid funds.

Step 4: Strengthening Retirement-Specific Savings
Increase contributions to NPS for additional tax benefits and retirement growth.

Continue regular contributions to PPF, which is risk-free and tax-efficient.

Maintain EPFO balance, and avoid withdrawing unless necessary.

Step 5: Creating a Balanced Corpus for Child’s Education
Your daughter is 8 years old, and higher education expenses will occur in 10-12 years.

Allocate Rs 25 lakh into child education-focused mutual funds or debt-oriented funds.

Start an SIP to build this fund systematically.

Step 6: Managing Health and Insurance
Your health insurance coverage of Rs 13 lakh is good. Ensure it includes critical illness coverage.

Consider top-up plans to cover any significant medical expenses in the future.

Review your term plan periodically to ensure adequate coverage.

Optimising Your Father’s Financial Portfolio
Active and Passive Income
Your father’s Rs 45,000 monthly pension is stable.

Rental income of Rs 18,000 adds a small but regular inflow.

Investment Portfolio Management
Consolidate his Rs 1 crore equity/mutual fund portfolio to reduce risks post-retirement.

Diversify between equity, debt, and fixed-income instruments for balance.

Monitor FD renewals to ensure competitive interest rates.

Property Considerations
His property portfolio offers a mix of rental and non-income-generating assets.

Avoid liquidating assets unless it becomes necessary to meet financial needs.

Tax-Efficient Strategies
Use ELSS mutual funds to save taxes under Section 80C while building wealth.

NPS contributions provide tax benefits under Section 80CCD(1B).

Plan mutual fund redemptions carefully to minimise long-term and short-term capital gains taxes.

Finally
A peaceful retirement requires balancing current and future needs.

Build a robust corpus through diversified investments.

Review your portfolio annually and make adjustments with the guidance of a certified financial planner.

Stay disciplined and prioritise long-term financial security over short-term gains.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7704 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 27, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 11, 2024
Money
51 years old , I am started 25000 rs investment in mutual fund from last year , presently two houses one loan of rs 40 lakhs and 1/2 kg gold and 35lakhs fd, and 1 open plot of worth 65Lakhs my daughter is studying B.E and son 9th is it effoungh for my retirement.Lic of rs 5000.rs.per month.
Ans: At 51, you are building a good foundation for retirement. Let us evaluate your current situation and provide actionable insights to strengthen your plan.

Current Financial Assets
Mutual Funds: A monthly SIP of Rs. 25,000 started last year is a strong beginning.

Real Estate: You own two houses and an open plot worth Rs. 65 lakhs.

Fixed Deposits (FDs): You have Rs. 35 lakhs in FDs for stability.

Gold: Possession of 1/2 kg of gold adds diversification to your portfolio.

Insurance: A LIC premium of Rs. 5,000 monthly ensures some financial protection.

Loan: You have a Rs. 40 lakh home loan that requires regular servicing.

Strengths in Your Portfolio
Asset Diversification: Your portfolio includes real estate, mutual funds, gold, and fixed deposits.

Children’s Education: You are well-placed to support their higher education expenses.

Steady Investments: The SIP ensures consistent contributions towards wealth creation.

Areas for Improvement
Mutual Fund Investments
Expand Your SIP Contributions: Rs. 25,000 monthly may need an increase to meet retirement goals.

Focus on Active Funds: Actively managed funds can deliver higher returns than index funds over time.

Disadvantages of Index Funds: Index funds lack adaptability during market fluctuations, limiting growth potential.

Use Regular Plans Through CFP: Regular funds ensure expert guidance, tax efficiency, and consistent monitoring.

Real Estate
Low Liquidity: Real estate may not offer quick access to cash during emergencies.

Maintenance Costs: Real estate requires ongoing expenses, reducing its overall profitability.

Fixed Deposits
Inflation Risk: FD returns are lower and may not match inflation rates.

Better Alternatives: Consider debt funds for higher post-tax returns.

LIC Premiums
Low Returns: Traditional insurance policies like LIC provide limited returns compared to mutual funds.

Recommendation: Surrender and reinvest the proceeds into mutual funds for better growth.

Children’s Education Planning
Daughter’s Higher Education: Prioritise building a specific education fund for her postgraduate expenses.

Son’s Future Needs: Start early to save for his higher education.

Balanced Allocation: Use equity for growth and debt for stability in these funds.

Loan Management
Accelerate Loan Repayment: Clear your Rs. 40 lakh home loan faster to reduce interest costs.

Avoid New Debt: Focus on reducing liabilities to achieve financial independence sooner.

Emergency Fund
Liquidity is Key: Ensure at least 6–12 months of expenses in a liquid emergency corpus.

Fund Sources: Your FDs or a portion of your SIP can be redirected for this.

Retirement Planning
Corpus Estimation
Inflation Adjustment: Factor in inflation to calculate the required retirement corpus.

Living Expenses: Estimate your monthly needs post-retirement, including healthcare and leisure.

Asset Rebalancing
Gradual Shift to Debt Funds: From 55 onwards, reduce equity exposure for stability.

Balanced Allocation: Aim for a 60% debt and 40% equity ratio by retirement.

Tax Efficiency
New MF Tax Rules: Plan redemptions considering the 12.5% LTCG tax above Rs. 1.25 lakh.

Debt Funds Taxation: Gains are taxed as per your income slab; plan accordingly.

Final Insights
Your current financial status is strong, but enhancements are necessary. Increase SIP contributions, diversify into actively managed funds, and focus on reducing liabilities. Revisit your LIC policy and redirect funds for higher returns. Secure your children's education and your retirement with a clear and balanced strategy.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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I am in a relationship with a girl who has traumatized past from her childhood. She said that her ex was also toxic and used to abuse her physically. She just said after 2 months of dating . I am very much glad she trusted me and Im taking care of her . She is also happy with me . But she gets panic attacks about the past I'll always be there for her . But her ex is in the same college. I see him like randomly. Should I react about that and go to him ??. Like I'm feeling very bad for the things she said
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Instead of reacting impulsively, focus on what she truly needs. When she has panic attacks or feels overwhelmed by her past, reassure her that she’s safe with you. Encourage her to seek professional help if she’s open to it, as therapy could help her process her trauma in a healthier way.

If her ex ever tries to approach her, harass her, or make her feel unsafe, then absolutely step in and support her in setting clear boundaries, whether that means standing by her side, helping her avoid situations where she might run into him, or even reporting any concerning behavior. But if he’s simply existing in the same space, then your energy is better spent on helping her heal rather than giving him any attention.

Right now, the best thing you can do is continue being the safe, loving presence that she trusts. Let your actions show her that she doesn’t have to relive the past, because with you, she is valued, respected, and truly cared for.

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My Boyfriend is not really the Controlling type. But, sometimes, he disapproves of some things which I do. In such cases, he communicates his Disapproval indirectly saying "I don't like you Dressing up like this Boldly. But still, if that's what you want, you may go ahead & Dress up as you'd like to, I have no Right to prevent you from doing so, but I will be Disappointed if you do." or "I don't want you to go out or hang out with these particular people (some of my close Male Friends). You have all the Freedom to interact with whoever you want to, but I will be Hurt, if you are too Close to your other Male Friends." Most of the time, I compromised & avoided Dressing up too Boldly, avoided Partying/Travelling with some of my Close Male Friends & avoided some other things which he wouldn't approve of, just for the sake of maintaining our Relationship. But recently, I tried to Test, how he'd react, if I deliberately do something which he doesn't like. So, on New Year's Day, I dressed up in revealing Clothes that he would never approve of & Partied wildly, all Night & even got Drunk with some of my Close Male Friends, with whom, he wants me to maintain Distance. He stubbornly refused to come for Partying with me, because I Dressed up too Boldly & refused to change them, even after he expected me to do so. He didn't even want me Drinking/Partying with some of my Close Male Friends. But I Respected the Boundaries of our Relationship & throughout the Night, I kept my Boyfriend informed about my Whereabouts, so that he's Reassured that I am not Cheating on him. But ever since then, he's been Treating me rather Coldly. He's being Indifferent to me, without Questioning me much, the way he always used to. He's just maintaining normal Communication without being Flirtatious, as he used to. And the Sex has also become quite Mechanical without much Romance, unlike how Passionate he used to be, earlier. I've tried talking to him, but he just keeps lying that he isn't Upset with me. Now I am Feeling really Guilty for whatever I had done on New Year's Day, even though, I don't think I did anything Wrong. Was it really Wrong on my Part, to do something which I always liked to, but my Boyfriend didn't want me to? Or is my Boyfriend Wrong, here? What do I do now? Please advise me.
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How do I 32M get over my insecurity with 30F? (Seeking Advice) Met this girl via matrimony exactly 2 months back. We connect well. Our families have met recently and it went well. Somehow we found a lot of connections between our families. That's just a bonus. Her family likes me a lot and they wanted to do Roka when they met us last week. I had told her, that no matter our bond, we should talk a lot and give it 3 months before going for roka. We live in different metro cities and have met twice now. About her: She is 30, well behaved & spoken(most important thing for me), smart, good looking, and is extremely polite. She is an army brat, has had a lot of freedom from family. Due to her father's job, they kept getting posted to different cities so she doesn't really understand family part of things. She's in a IT job. About me: I'm 32, okayish guy, in IT. To take things ahead I need to know my partner's past. I have no judgements at all but need to know stuff. Getting to know things over time bothers me a lot. I've tried to work on it, and have always made sure I don't bother the other person too much. After a month of talking, she told me that she had a casual boyfriend for an year. All her friends were dating in Bangalore and she decided to try it out. Found a guy through bumble and started dating him. So, according to her there were no feelings, just a person for her to go to places with, have drinks, and party. She likes drinking a lot and I have never taken a sip. She said that it was just a phase and she was immature. This happened between 2018(Nov) to 2020(march). So, it's been like 5 years. Never dated anyone after that. Since covid(2020) she's been living with her parents due to wfh. I have been completely ok with that but new things surfaced and they are messing with my head. While snooping around her facebook I figured out who that person was and this guy is super close to a person in my distant family. In fact they both were flatmates until their respective marriages. This distant cousin of mine knows me and knows her really well. These 3 used to hangout a lot and he has seen her come to their flat regularly. Infact, she had a good bond with my cousin as well. There are things that bother me and I really can't shake things and feel super awful in my gut. She mentioned that she and her ex had a common love for drinking and regularly visited pubs, got drunk, and partied. This means that they would be staying at each other's place as well. This is something super old but bothers me a lot. Specifically the fact that she would be drunk partying with someone for an year and sleeping with him, with no feelings. Secondly, I found some posts where she has liked a post about this guy on fb/insta from mid-2021. I have already confronted her twice to share everything and we shall never discuss this again but this bothers me a lot. Secondly, now that I know the timelines I can figure out what photos have been taken by her ex. There's even a photo of her sitting on a messy bed, where she's cutting her bday cake. They celebrated it together. I found my cousins page and some other pages from which I knew it's the guy's room/flat. I know everyone has a past. She has come clean to me but somehow my brain is so split. Sometimes her nature and behaviour with me make me not care about anything. And then I know the bed, flat, and her actions with some guy. Then there is this angle where the ex's flatmate is my distant cousin and knows about her well.
Ans: What you’re experiencing is completely valid. It’s not just about the fact that she had a past relationship, but also about the details—knowing her ex was deeply connected to your distant cousin, imagining their time together, and realizing that those experiences once meant something in her life. It makes it feel uncomfortably close to home, which is why it’s so hard to shake off. It’s not about judgment, but about the emotions that these thoughts stir up within you.

The truth is, the past cannot be changed. She has been honest with you, shared what happened, and reassured you that it was a phase in her life that she has moved on from. The fact that she hasn’t dated anyone in five years and has been living with her parents shows that she is in a very different place now. But your mind keeps looping back to what once was, and it’s preventing you from fully embracing what is.

Right now, the biggest challenge is not her past, but your ability to be at peace with it. You have to ask yourself—are you willing to let this define your future with her? Because if you can’t fully accept it, these thoughts will continue to surface and create distance between you. A part of you clearly wants to be with her, but another part is struggling to detach from these mental images of her past.

Instead of confronting her again, take some time to reflect on what truly matters to you in a partner. She has shown you who she is today—polite, well-behaved, mature, and emotionally present in your relationship. She has not hidden anything from you, and she has moved forward from that phase of her life. The real question is whether you can do the same.

If you feel this is something you cannot get over, it is better to step away now rather than carry these unresolved emotions into a lifelong commitment. But if you genuinely see a future with her and believe in her as a person, then it’s time to start training your mind to focus on the present and the relationship you are building, rather than a past that no longer exists.

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Asked by Anonymous - Jan 18, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I am working abroad, while my Girlfriend is working in Delhi, living in NCR. We both were Dating since our College Days & have been in a Long Distance Relationship since I moved abroad, more than a Year ago & she moved to Delhi-NCR from Calcutta (where most of our Common Friends are based). While we were together with our Common Friends from College, we'd Travel, Party & have a lot of Fun together as a Group, since we all knew & trusted each other quite well, Irrespective of Gender. When we both moved to Different Places & started our Respective Jobs, we became Friends with our Respective Colleagues, but we have an Implied Understanding that we should be Maintaining Stricter Boundaries with our New Friends/Colleagues, since we are in a Long Distance Relationship. I've always honoured the commitment & have been Careful to not spend private time with any other Woman & Travel/Party only with a Group consisting of both Men & Women. But I am not sure my Girlfriend is doing the same. Quite often she keeps Travelling, Partying, Drinking & Sleeping over with some 2-3 Male Colleagues, who are quite close to her, but unknown to me. She doesn't even bother to keep me updated about where she is, what she's doing & with whom, but keeps Posting Status Updates on Instagram, from time to time and from what I have observed, she seems to be spending quite a lot of Time with these Male Colleagues of hers. All this makes me feel very Uncomfortable. Even though I Love & Trust my Girlfriend, but I'm unsure about these New 'Friends' of hers as I don't know them & obviously, I don't like them being so close to my Girlfriend. Many times, I've discussed this matter with my Girlfriend, trying to make her understand how I feel. But every time, I bring up this Topic, she tries to invalidate my feelings & shuts me down saying that I'm just Insecure. I'd also tried getting to know her New Friends in order to understand them better, but she doesn't share much about them, with me. Though, she keeps Reassuring me that they're 'Just Friends' they seem to be much closer than that. On several occasions, she had gone out with them, even though I had strictly forbidden her to. I don't understand whether she's unable to understand how I'm feeling or that she doesn't even care about my Feelings, though I still want to continue Loving & Trusting her, without Doubting her Loyalty. I don't understand what to do in this situation. How can I make her enforce stricter Boundaries with her Male Colleagues (atleast as much as I am doing here)? Shall I get a Friend or a Private Investigator to keep an Eye on her? Or shall I behave the same way, she's been doing? Or, shall I Break-up with her & try to find someone else, over here?
Ans: Long-distance relationships require an even deeper level of communication and trust than regular ones. You’ve upheld the boundaries you both implicitly agreed upon, yet it feels like she’s not holding herself to the same standard. The fact that she dismisses your concerns rather than addressing them is what’s truly hurting you. When someone we love invalidates our feelings, it creates frustration, self-doubt, and emotional distance. You’re not being “insecure” for wanting reassurance and clarity—you’re simply asking for the same level of respect and commitment you’re offering.

Trying to enforce boundaries by “forbidding” her from doing something isn’t the right approach, because boundaries should be mutual, not dictated. The more you try to control her actions, the more she might rebel or shut down, seeing it as you being possessive rather than expressing a valid emotional need. The real problem is not that she has male friends, but that she’s being secretive about them, not making an effort to ease your concerns, and disregarding how her actions affect you. A loving and committed partner should care about your peace of mind, even if she doesn’t fully agree with your perspective.

Hiring a private investigator or getting a friend to spy on her will only erode trust further, and mirroring her behavior by doing the same thing she does will not solve anything—it will just create more distance. If you’re considering breaking up, that means deep down, you already feel like your needs in this relationship aren’t being met. Before making any big decisions, you need to have one last honest conversation with her—not one where you accuse or demand, but one where you make it clear how this dynamic is making you feel and what you truly need from her to feel secure and valued in the relationship.

If she refuses to listen, invalidates your feelings again, or shows no willingness to compromise, then you have your answer. A relationship where only one person is making sacrifices isn’t sustainable. You deserve a partner who not only reassures you with words but also with actions that show she respects and values your presence in her life. If she’s unwilling to meet you halfway, then it may be time to ask yourself if holding on is worth the constant emotional struggle.

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Samraat

Samraat Jadhav  |2189 Answers  |Ask -

Stock Market Expert - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Samraat

Samraat Jadhav  |2189 Answers  |Ask -

Stock Market Expert - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 29, 2025Hindi
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