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48-Year-Old Widow Seeks Financial Advice: Managing Finances, Pension Plans, and Investing

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10881 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 01, 2025

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Feb 01, 2025Hindi
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I am a 48 year old widow. I have a 21 yr old daughter in college. I had quit my job, but rejoined now and have a monthly take home of 1L 15k. I receive similar pension amount too. But this pension amount will get reduced to 90k after 10 years. I have an own property (apartment bought in 2010) - 14 k rent monthly. I have around 40 L that I wish to invest. I am still coping with the loss and am confused as to what I need to do to get a grip on the finances. I have invested around 12 L in mutual funds. I have applied for a term insurance - around 1 L annual premium for 10 years. I am also repaying the home loan around 15k per month with tenure left for 20 months. I am planning to move out on my own from my sister's place where I am staying now (my own house is not in Bangalore where I work). So, I will definitely need 25k per month for rent if I move out. Please advise on how to manage my finances. Shall I repay the home loan and clear the debt (around 5 L principal outstanding)? Should I invest in some pension plans? Please advise. Thanks!

Ans: Your financial situation requires a structured approach to ensure long-term security. You have multiple income sources, a property, investments, and financial commitments. A clear plan will help manage expenses, investments, and future goals effectively.

Income Sources and Stability
Salary – Rs. 1.15 lakh per month

This is your primary source of income.
It provides stability and helps with regular expenses.
Pension – Rs. 1.15 lakh per month (reducing to Rs. 90,000 after 10 years)

This is a strong financial support.
Future reduction needs to be considered in planning.
Rental Income – Rs. 14,000 per month

This adds to cash flow.
It helps with loan repayment or investment.
Total Monthly Income – Rs. 2.44 lakh (reducing to Rs. 2.19 lakh in 10 years)

This is a good financial position.
A structured approach is required for long-term financial stability.
Home Loan Repayment
Current EMI – Rs. 15,000 per month

The principal outstanding is Rs. 5 lakh.
The loan will be cleared in 20 months.
Should You Prepay?

Yes, if there is no prepayment penalty.
Clearing the loan early gives peace of mind.
It saves on interest costs.
Impact on Finances

Prepaying Rs. 5 lakh reduces financial burden.
Monthly expenses will reduce after the loan is cleared.
Term Insurance Decision
Premium – Rs. 1 lakh per year for 10 years

Term insurance is necessary for your daughter’s security.
Ensure the sum assured is adequate.
Is It the Right Amount?

The premium seems high.
Reassess whether a lower premium plan can provide sufficient coverage.
Living Arrangement and Rent Planning
Current Situation – Staying with Sister

This reduces expenses.
It provides emotional support.
Moving Out – Additional Rs. 25,000 Rent per Month

This will increase monthly costs.
Ensure rental expenses fit within your budget.
Alternative Approach

Consider staying for a while longer to save more.
Delay moving out until your home loan is cleared.
Investment Strategy for Rs. 40 Lakh
Debt and Fixed Income Allocation – 30-40%

Provides stability and liquidity.
Ensures emergency fund availability.
Equity Mutual Funds – 50-60%

Helps with long-term wealth creation.
Beats inflation over time.
Actively managed funds perform better than index funds.
Systematic Investment Plan (SIP) for Growth

Investing monthly ensures rupee cost averaging.
Builds a strong financial corpus over time.
Emergency Fund

Keep at least 6-12 months’ expenses in liquid assets.
Ensures financial security in case of unexpected events.
Managing Future Financial Stability
Reducing Pension in 10 Years

Plan investments to compensate for lower pension.
Build a corpus that generates passive income.
Retirement Planning

Ensure investments support post-retirement needs.
Avoid pension plans, as they often provide lower returns.
Daughter’s Education and Future

Ensure sufficient funds for higher education.
Create a separate investment plan for this goal.
Finally
Your financial position is strong, but structured planning is key. Clearing the home loan, investing wisely, and managing expenses will ensure financial stability. With a balanced investment approach, you can secure a comfortable future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10881 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 09, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 25, 2024Hindi
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I am 52 years and currently me and wife earn around a crore per annum. Our PF and NPS savings are currently at around 2 crores. I expect to work for around 4 more years after which both of us want to retire. My monthly expense is currently around 1.5 to 2 lakhs per month and I would like to maintain the same kind of lifestyle. I have a rental income of around 65k per month and have savings & property that can take care of my children's marriages. I have an own house to stay. Over and above this I have around 60 lakhs in stocks/mutual funds and ULIP, 50 lakhs of bank balance and 70 lakhs of loan. Unable to decide what to do with the housing loan and also for pension
Ans: It sounds like you've built a solid financial foundation, and you're in a good position to plan for your retirement. Let's address your concerns about your housing loan and pension.

Regarding your housing loan of 70 lakhs, it's essential to evaluate the interest rate and the impact on your overall financial health. If the interest rate is relatively low, and you have the means to continue servicing the loan comfortably, you might consider keeping it until its term ends. However, if the interest rate is high or if you prefer to reduce debt before retirement, you could explore options like prepaying the loan partially or fully, depending on your financial situation and goals.

As for pension planning, since you're looking to retire in about four years, it's crucial to ensure you have a reliable source of income to sustain your lifestyle post-retirement. With your PF and NPS savings totaling around 2 crores, you already have a significant retirement corpus. Consider consulting with a Certified Financial Planner to optimize your investment strategy and maximize your retirement income.

Given your rental income, savings, and investments, you're in a good position to maintain your current lifestyle even after retirement. However, it's essential to have a diversified retirement income strategy that includes a mix of annuities, systematic withdrawal plans, and other investment vehicles to ensure financial security in your golden years.

Continuously reassess your financial plan as you approach retirement to make any necessary adjustments based on changing circumstances and goals. With careful planning and prudent decision-making, you can enjoy a comfortable and fulfilling retirement ahead.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10881 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 12, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 02, 2024Hindi
Money
I am 46 years, my wife and me both arw working with 400000 every month in hand. I have 4 houses , 3 under loan. The loan iutstanding is 2,10,00000 and I pay around 212000 as Emis , I have 2 girk children, 1 is 15 years and the other is 10 yeara old. Looking at the curreny market trend I dont think we will survive next 5 years. The property market vakuation would be around 38500000. How do I manage my finances to have a rwapectful retirement. Please nite we dont have any pf or savings but have around 2300000 in sukanya sanridhi.
Ans: First, let's take a moment to appreciate your proactive approach in managing your finances. Both you and your wife have a substantial monthly income of Rs 4,00,000. This is commendable and provides a solid foundation for financial planning.

You have four houses, three of which have loans. The outstanding loan amount is Rs 2,10,00,000, with EMIs totaling Rs 2,12,000. Your property portfolio is valued at Rs 3,85,00,000. Additionally, you have Rs 23,00,000 in Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana (SSY) for your daughters.

Now, let’s break down the steps to ensure a secure financial future for your family and a comfortable retirement.

Managing Debt Effectively
The EMI burden of Rs 2,12,000 is significant, considering it consumes over half of your monthly income. Here’s a strategy to manage this effectively:

1. Prioritize Loan Repayment:

Focus on paying off high-interest loans first. This will reduce your interest burden and free up more funds for savings and investments.

2. Refinance or Consolidate Loans:

If possible, refinance your loans to get a lower interest rate. Consolidating loans can also simplify payments and potentially reduce your interest rate.

Enhancing Savings and Investments
Given that you don't have any provident fund or substantial savings apart from SSY, it’s crucial to start building your savings and investment portfolio.

1. Emergency Fund:

Establish an emergency fund with at least six months of living expenses. This fund should be easily accessible and kept in a savings account or a liquid fund.

2. Systematic Investment Plan (SIP):

Start SIPs in mutual funds to build a diversified investment portfolio. This will help in wealth accumulation over time. Actively managed funds, chosen with the help of a Certified Financial Planner (CFP), can potentially offer better returns than index funds.

3. Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana (SSY):

Continue investing in SSY for your daughters. This is a great tool for their future education and marriage expenses due to its high-interest rates and tax benefits.

Planning for Children's Education
With daughters aged 15 and 10, education expenses will soon be a major financial responsibility. Here’s how to plan for it:

1. Education Savings Plan:

Estimate the future cost of their education and start dedicated SIPs to meet these expenses. An actively managed equity fund can offer higher returns to meet these long-term goals.

2. Education Loan:

Consider education loans to fund higher education. This will distribute the financial burden and provide tax benefits under Section 80E.

Retirement Planning
To ensure a comfortable retirement, you need to start saving and investing aggressively.

1. Retirement Corpus:

Estimate your post-retirement expenses and the corpus required to sustain them. Start SIPs in diversified equity mutual funds to build this corpus. Equity exposure is crucial for long-term growth.

2. Regular Investments:

Invest a portion of your monthly income in mutual funds through a CFP. This professional guidance ensures optimal fund selection and rebalancing to achieve your retirement goals.

Insurance Coverage
Insurance is a critical component of financial planning. Ensure you have adequate coverage:

1. Term Insurance:

If not already covered, purchase a term insurance policy. This will provide financial security to your family in case of any unfortunate event.

2. Health Insurance:

Ensure you have comprehensive health insurance coverage for the entire family. Medical expenses can be a significant drain on savings, and adequate insurance mitigates this risk.

Building an Investment Portfolio
Given the current market trends, it’s essential to diversify your investments. Here’s a plan:

1. Diversified Mutual Funds:

Invest in a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds. Actively managed funds, recommended by a CFP, can provide superior returns compared to index funds.

2. Debt Funds:

Include debt funds for stability and regular income. These funds are less volatile and provide a steady return.

3. Gold:

Allocate a small portion to gold. It’s a good hedge against inflation and market volatility.

Reducing Risk and Maximizing Returns
Balancing risk and returns is crucial in financial planning. Here’s how to achieve it:

1. Asset Allocation:

Maintain a balanced asset allocation based on your risk tolerance. A mix of equity, debt, and gold ensures stability and growth.

2. Regular Monitoring:

Review your investment portfolio regularly with a CFP. This ensures your investments are aligned with your goals and market conditions.

Tax Planning
Efficient tax planning can enhance your savings and investments. Here’s how:

1. Tax-saving Investments:

Utilize Section 80C by investing in instruments like ELSS funds, PPF, and SSY. These investments offer tax benefits and help in wealth accumulation.

2. Home Loan Benefits:

Claim tax deductions on home loan interest under Section 24 and principal repayment under Section 80C. This reduces your tax liability.

Final Insights
Your current financial situation is challenging but manageable with the right strategies. Focus on reducing debt, enhancing savings, and investing wisely. Seek professional guidance from a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) to navigate complex financial decisions and achieve your goals.

Your proactive approach and commitment to financial planning are commendable. With disciplined saving, prudent investing, and strategic planning, you can secure a comfortable retirement and ensure a bright future for your daughters.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  | Answer  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 01, 2025Hindi
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Money
I am a 48 year old widow. I have a 21 yr old daughter in college. I had quit my job, but rejoined now and have a monthly take home of 1L 15k. I receive similar pension amount too. But this pension amount will get reduced to 90k after 10 years. I have an own property (apartment bought in 2010) - 14 k rent monthly. I have around 40 L that I wish to invest. I am still coping with the loss and am confused as to what I need to do to get a grip on the finances. I have invested around 12 L in mutual funds. I have applied for a term insurance - around 1 L annual premium for 10 years. I am also repaying the home loan around 15k per month with tenure left for 20 months. I am planning to move out on my own from my sister's place where I am staying now (my own house is not in Bangalore where I work). So, I will definitely need 25k per month for rent if I move out. Please advise on how to manage my finances. Shall I repay the home loan and clear the debt (around 5 L principal outstanding)? Should I invest in some pension plans? Please advise. Thanks!
Ans: Hello;

Yes you should settle off the outstanding home loan.

Also you may open an NPS account for retirement planning. Do contribute to it on a regular basis and also do onetime lumpsum investment.

Also open an PPF account with investment of 12.5 K per month.

Get sufficient term plan coverage for atleast 20 years and not less.

No need to invest in pension plan if you are investing in NPS. It is far superior in terms of tax liability, flexibility, returns and costs.

Prefer hybrid mutual funds(dynamic asset allocation or multi asset allocation fund)for your investments.

Buy a good health insurance cover for yourself and your daughter irrespective of group policy, if any, available from employer.

Do nomination in all your financial investments and also make a legally valid will.

In a nutshell, you will have 3 investments PPF, NPS and mutual funds (hybrid) and insurance premiums for term cover and healthcare policy.

Loss of partner is very difficult to deal with but you also need to focus on the education of your daughter and guide her for better prospects.

Best wishes;
X: @mars_invest

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10881 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 21, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 19, 2025Hindi
I am a 52 yrs old woman,desire to retire early within 2-3 years, but in a confused fearful state whether I have enough to lead a decent life post retirement. Currently my expenses are about 1 lakh per month as I live in a 2 tier city . Till date my mf is about 1.25 cr , but at times it varies as per market, I also have invested around 25 lakhs gross in different ulip policies, which I have to still premium for another 2-3 yrs, This is only the total my money gone into this policies. I also have ppf of 2 5 lakhs, and lic and around 10 lakhs I expect from these on maturity. I have a housing loan of about 1.2 lakhs left with currently 7 installments left . I am in a secure position to think about retirement and pursue my hobbies of gardening and travelling. How should I go ahead to get this amount safe and good amount later . Currently my sip are around 50 k and my ulip are around 5 lakhs per year of which 3 - 4 yrs premium left . The locking period of 5 yrs of 3 ulip are over , I am still continuing
Ans: You have built a good base of Rs.1.25 cr in mutual funds.

Having Rs.25 lakh in ULIP policies shows your discipline.

Rs.25 lakh in PPF and Rs.10 lakh in LIC adds stability.

Housing loan balance is small and ending soon, which is great.

SIPs of Rs.50,000 per month show strong commitment.

You are serious about your hobbies and lifestyle after retirement.

» Assessing Your Retirement Goal

You aim to retire in 2 to 3 years.

Your current expense is Rs.1 lakh per month in a tier 2 city.

That means Rs.12 lakh per year as baseline living cost.

This expense will increase with inflation.

Your retirement plan must cover 30 years of life or more.

Your investments need both growth and safety.

» Understanding Your Current Portfolio

Mutual funds are the largest portion at Rs.1.25 cr.

ULIPs hold Rs.25 lakh but lock liquidity and returns.

PPF balance of Rs.25 lakh offers safety but low flexibility.

LIC maturity of Rs.10 lakh will come later, not immediate.

Home loan is small and nearly complete.

SIPs add Rs.50,000 per month, strong inflows until retirement.

» Challenges With ULIPs and LIC

ULIPs combine insurance and investment.

Returns are usually lower than mutual funds.

Premiums are heavy at Rs.5 lakh per year for next few years.

Liquidity is restricted even after lock-in ends.

Insurance cover inside ULIP is very limited.

LIC traditional plans usually give poor real returns.

These policies drag down overall portfolio growth.

» Recommended Action on ULIPs and LIC

Since lock-in is over, stop paying new ULIP premiums.

Surrender existing ULIP policies and recover invested value.

Reinvest that corpus in mutual funds for better growth.

LIC maturity will give you Rs.10 lakh. Do not reinvest in LIC.

Shift that amount into mutual funds through a Certified Financial Planner.

This will simplify your portfolio and increase returns.

» Mutual Funds as the Core Retirement Engine

Your mutual funds already form the strongest base.

Continue SIPs for 2 to 3 years till retirement.

Build mix of equity and debt mutual funds for balance.

Equity portion will give growth against inflation.

Debt portion will give safety and steady cash flow.

Regular plan mutual funds via a CFP add guidance and discipline.

Avoid direct funds, as they lack advisor support.

» Disadvantages of Direct Funds

Direct funds save only small expense cost.

But they provide no personal advice.

Mistakes in timing and selection may hurt long-term returns.

Emotional decisions may reduce gains.

A CFP-backed mutual fund distributor helps with review and rebalancing.

This guidance protects you during market falls.

So, regular plans through CFP are far better for your stage.

» Creating a Retirement Income Plan

Target monthly income of Rs.1 lakh from retirement corpus.

Divide corpus into growth and income buckets.

Growth bucket: equity funds to beat inflation.

Income bucket: debt funds and part of PPF to generate cash flow.

Use Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP) from mutual funds for monthly cash.

SWP gives steady flow like salary, but with growth.

Plan withdrawals with tax efficiency in mind.

» Taxation Awareness

Equity mutual funds: LTCG above Rs.1.25 lakh taxed at 12.5%.

STCG taxed at 20%.

Debt mutual funds: gains taxed as per your slab.

Plan withdrawals smartly to reduce tax impact.

A CFP can help structure SWP across funds for tax efficiency.

» Housing Loan Closure

Loan balance is very small with only 7 installments.

This will end before you retire.

This means retirement will begin debt-free.

That is a very strong position to be in.

Use the loan closure as mental relief, not as worry.

» PPF and Its Role

Rs.25 lakh in PPF is safe and guaranteed.

It can be your emergency reserve.

Interest is tax-free but rate is modest.

Do not depend only on PPF for long term.

Use it for stability while mutual funds create growth.

» Emergency Fund and Safety Buffer

Keep at least 1 to 2 years of expenses in safe instruments.

Bank FD or liquid funds are suitable for this.

This ensures you never break long-term investments.

It reduces fear during market volatility.

Safety buffer gives peace during retired life.

» Lifestyle Planning After Retirement

You want gardening and travelling as hobbies.

Both require steady money and flexible cash.

SWP from mutual funds can cover these lifestyle needs.

Avoid locking money in long-term insurance products.

Keep liquidity open so you can pursue hobbies.

This balance will reduce fear and increase joy.

» Importance of Inflation Protection

Inflation will double your expenses every 12 to 15 years.

Rs.1 lakh today may need Rs.2 lakh later.

Only equity funds can fight inflation in long run.

So growth allocation is not optional, but essential.

Safe products like PPF alone cannot protect lifestyle.

» Role of Certified Financial Planner

A CFP can design customised retirement cash flow plan.

They will guide on fund mix, withdrawal, and tax planning.

They will ensure your portfolio matches rising expenses.

They will give discipline when markets fall.

This avoids fear-driven decisions.

With a CFP, you get a 360-degree approach to money.

» Psychological Readiness for Retirement

Fear of not having enough is common.

But your base corpus is already strong.

By restructuring ULIPs and LIC, you can add more strength.

With proper plan, Rs.1 lakh monthly lifestyle is possible.

Secure cash flow reduces fear and increases confidence.

This allows you to focus on hobbies without worry.

» Risk Management and Insurance

Term insurance is more efficient than ULIP or LIC.

Check if you still need life cover after retirement.

If dependents are self-sufficient, coverage can reduce.

Medical insurance is essential in retirement.

Keep separate health buffer to meet rising medical costs.

» Finally

You are already in a good position for retirement.

By ending ULIP premiums, you will save big outflow.

Redeploying into mutual funds will give better growth.

PPF and FD can act as safety layers.

Mutual funds with SWP can provide monthly income.

A CFP can help you maintain balance and tax efficiency.

Your retirement dream of gardening and travelling looks achievable.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Latest Questions
Dr Dipankar

Dr Dipankar Dutta  |1840 Answers  |Ask -

Tech Careers and Skill Development Expert - Answered on Dec 13, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 12, 2025
Career
Dear Sir/Madam, I am currently a 1st year UG student studying engineering in Sairam Engineering College, But there the lack of exposure and strict academics feels so rigid and I don't like it that. It's like they don't gaf about skills but just wants us to memorize things and score a good CGPA, the only skill they want is you to memorize things and pass, there's even special class for students who don't perform well in academics and it is compulsory for them to attend or else the student and his/her parents needs to face authorities who lashes out. My question is when did engineering became something that requires good academics instead of actual learning and skill set. In sairam they provides us a coding platform in which we need to gain the required points for each semester which is ridiculous cuz most of the students here just look at the solution to code instead of actual debugging. I am passionate about engineering so I want to learn and experiment things instead of just memorizing, so I actually consider dropping out and I want to give jee a try and maybe viteee , srmjeee But i heard some people say SRM may provide exposure but not that good in placements. I may not be excellent at studies but my marks are decent. So gimme some insights about SRM and recommend me other colleges/universities which are good at exposure
Ans: First — your frustration is valid

What you are experiencing at Sairam is not engineering, it is rote-based credential production.

“When did engineering become memorizing instead of learning?”

Sadly, this shift happened decades ago in most Tier-3 private colleges in India.

About “coding platforms & points” – your observation is sharp

You are absolutely right:

Mandatory coding points → students copy solutions

Copying ≠ learning

Debugging & thinking are missing

This is pseudo-skill education — it looks modern but produces shallow engineers.

The fact that you noticed this in 1st year already puts you ahead of 80% students.

Should you DROP OUT and prepare for JEE / VITEEE / SRMJEEE?

Although VIT/SRM is better than Sairam Engineering College, but you may face the same problem. You will not face this type of problem only in some top IITs, but getting seat in those IITs will be difficult.
Instead of dropping immediately, consider:

???? Strategy:

Stay enrolled (degree security)

Reduce emotional investment in college rules

Use:

GitHub

Open-source projects

Hackathons

Internships (remote)

Hardware / software self-projects

This way:

College = formality

Learning = self-driven

Risk = minimal

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |646 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 12, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 07, 2025Hindi
Relationship
Dear Madam, I was a bright student during my school days and my plan was to become a civil servant but that did not succeed even after several attempts. With the advise of my brother i went ahead and pursued Masters at a normal university in Sydney. I did internship and continued staying with my job though it wasn't my field of study. After that what came as a shock was my brother's divorce. We don't know what is the actual issue till date but I tried a lot to fix the gap by talking to his ex-wife but they were very orthodox. I couldn't see my brother suffer because he had planned and arranged so much for her. I had no choice then so i try to harm his ex-wife by spoiling her reputation thinking she will come back for him. In the mean time i got married to a girl who was her relative too thinking my wife can help us in some case but she turned out to be completely in the opposite direction. She was probably convinced by my brother's ex-wife or their relatives that she is not coming back. Even then my brother tried to go meet his ex-wife through many channels. My wife did not help him at all in any aspect. Finally the divorced happened and everything ended. Now we have sought several proposals but nothing seem to be a good fit for him. Most of the girls whom we met on matrimonial sites are fake profiles with something hidden or falsely represented. I would say my brother escaped all this. But we are worried about his life now as he is already in his 40's and he seem to be struggling for a good job and finance. He is very picky probably but doesn't talk much to all of us. Sometimes he even says the game is over so no point looking at a second marriage. My wife and he fought once when he visited us because she didn't want him in our house and she created a fight putting me in the front. After that he stopped coming to our house or see us or talk to us. Things even gets worse sometimes when her brother comes and visits us and stays at our house which my parents don't like. My parents argue that your brother was not allowed to stay for few months then how come her brother is allowed for several months. What kind of partiality is that? I feel i could not do anything for him despite the fact that he is my only brother. He is good at heart and looked after me when i went abroad financially and even came to meet me few times. I tried to send him money, gifts but he is still the same. He communicates with our parents but not with me nor my wife anymore. Kindly give us a good advise.
Ans: Your brother’s distance is not a rejection of you. It is his way of protecting himself. He went through a difficult marriage, an emotional collapse, and then watched people around him — including you — react out of desperation to fix things for him. Even though your intentions came from love, he may have associated those actions with more pain and pressure. When a person has been wounded, silence feels safer than conversation. His withdrawal simply means he is tired, not that he dislikes you.
You also need to understand that the guilt you are carrying is heavier than it needs to be. You tried to intervene in his marriage because you wanted to protect him, not because you wanted to cause harm. Looking back now, with more maturity and clarity, you see the mistakes, but at that time, you were acting out of fear and love. This is why it’s important to forgive yourself instead of punishing yourself over and over.
The conflict between your wife and your brother only added another layer of stress, because it forced you into choosing sides. Your wife reacted emotionally, your brother pulled away, your parents questioned the imbalance — and in the middle of all this, you lost your sense of peace. But their disagreements are not failures on your part. They are the natural result of people operating from insecurity, fear, and past hurt.
What needs to happen now is a shift in your role. You cannot continue trying to solve everything for everyone. You cannot carry your brother’s marriage, your wife’s fears, and your parents’ judgments all at once. It’s time to step out of the role of rescuer and step into the role of a grounded, calm brother who offers presence, not solutions.
Rebuilding your bond with your brother will not come from pushing proposals, sending gifts, or trying to fix his life. It will come from offering him emotional safety. A simple message, expressing that you are sorry for any hurt, that you care for him, and that you are available whenever he feels ready, will speak louder than any effort to arrange his future. Once you send such a message, the healthiest thing you can do is give him space. Sometimes relationships repair themselves in silence, when pressure is removed.
And for yourself, healing begins when you stop believing that every problem in the family rests on your shoulders. You have given more than enough over the years. Now you deserve emotional rest. You deserve peace. You deserve to feel like a brother, not a crisis manager.
Your brother may take time, but distance does not erase love. When he feels safe, he will come closer again. Your responsibility is not to force that moment, but to make sure you are emotionally steady and ready when it happens.

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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