Home > Money > Question
Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help

Widow With 40 Lakh Investment: 48-Year-Old Seeks Financial Advice for Future

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |955 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Milind Vadjikar is an independent MF distributor registered with Association of Mutual Funds in India (AMFI) and a retirement financial planning advisor registered with Pension Fund Regulatory and Development Authority (PFRDA).
He has a mechanical engineering degree from Government Engineering College, Sambhajinagar, and an MBA in international business from the Symbiosis Institute of Business Management, Pune.
With over 16 years of experience in stock investments, and over six year experience in investment guidance and support, he believes that balanced asset allocation and goal-focused disciplined investing is the key to achieving investor goals.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Feb 01, 2025Hindi
Listen
Money

I am a 48 year old widow. I have a 21 yr old daughter in college. I had quit my job, but rejoined now and have a monthly take home of 1L 15k. I receive similar pension amount too. But this pension amount will get reduced to 90k after 10 years. I have an own property (apartment bought in 2010) - 14 k rent monthly. I have around 40 L that I wish to invest. I am still coping with the loss and am confused as to what I need to do to get a grip on the finances. I have invested around 12 L in mutual funds. I have applied for a term insurance - around 1 L annual premium for 10 years. I am also repaying the home loan around 15k per month with tenure left for 20 months. I am planning to move out on my own from my sister's place where I am staying now (my own house is not in Bangalore where I work). So, I will definitely need 25k per month for rent if I move out. Please advise on how to manage my finances. Shall I repay the home loan and clear the debt (around 5 L principal outstanding)? Should I invest in some pension plans? Please advise. Thanks!

Ans: Hello;

Yes you should settle off the outstanding home loan.

Also you may open an NPS account for retirement planning. Do contribute to it on a regular basis and also do onetime lumpsum investment.

Also open an PPF account with investment of 12.5 K per month.

Get sufficient term plan coverage for atleast 20 years and not less.

No need to invest in pension plan if you are investing in NPS. It is far superior in terms of tax liability, flexibility, returns and costs.

Prefer hybrid mutual funds(dynamic asset allocation or multi asset allocation fund)for your investments.

Buy a good health insurance cover for yourself and your daughter irrespective of group policy, if any, available from employer.

Do nomination in all your financial investments and also make a legally valid will.

In a nutshell, you will have 3 investments PPF, NPS and mutual funds (hybrid) and insurance premiums for term cover and healthcare policy.

Loss of partner is very difficult to deal with but you also need to focus on the education of your daughter and guide her for better prospects.

Best wishes;
X: @mars_invest
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
Money

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 09, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 25, 2024Hindi
Listen
Money
I am 52 years and currently me and wife earn around a crore per annum. Our PF and NPS savings are currently at around 2 crores. I expect to work for around 4 more years after which both of us want to retire. My monthly expense is currently around 1.5 to 2 lakhs per month and I would like to maintain the same kind of lifestyle. I have a rental income of around 65k per month and have savings & property that can take care of my children's marriages. I have an own house to stay. Over and above this I have around 60 lakhs in stocks/mutual funds and ULIP, 50 lakhs of bank balance and 70 lakhs of loan. Unable to decide what to do with the housing loan and also for pension
Ans: It sounds like you've built a solid financial foundation, and you're in a good position to plan for your retirement. Let's address your concerns about your housing loan and pension.

Regarding your housing loan of 70 lakhs, it's essential to evaluate the interest rate and the impact on your overall financial health. If the interest rate is relatively low, and you have the means to continue servicing the loan comfortably, you might consider keeping it until its term ends. However, if the interest rate is high or if you prefer to reduce debt before retirement, you could explore options like prepaying the loan partially or fully, depending on your financial situation and goals.

As for pension planning, since you're looking to retire in about four years, it's crucial to ensure you have a reliable source of income to sustain your lifestyle post-retirement. With your PF and NPS savings totaling around 2 crores, you already have a significant retirement corpus. Consider consulting with a Certified Financial Planner to optimize your investment strategy and maximize your retirement income.

Given your rental income, savings, and investments, you're in a good position to maintain your current lifestyle even after retirement. However, it's essential to have a diversified retirement income strategy that includes a mix of annuities, systematic withdrawal plans, and other investment vehicles to ensure financial security in your golden years.

Continuously reassess your financial plan as you approach retirement to make any necessary adjustments based on changing circumstances and goals. With careful planning and prudent decision-making, you can enjoy a comfortable and fulfilling retirement ahead.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 12, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 02, 2024Hindi
Money
I am 46 years, my wife and me both arw working with 400000 every month in hand. I have 4 houses , 3 under loan. The loan iutstanding is 2,10,00000 and I pay around 212000 as Emis , I have 2 girk children, 1 is 15 years and the other is 10 yeara old. Looking at the curreny market trend I dont think we will survive next 5 years. The property market vakuation would be around 38500000. How do I manage my finances to have a rwapectful retirement. Please nite we dont have any pf or savings but have around 2300000 in sukanya sanridhi.
Ans: First, let's take a moment to appreciate your proactive approach in managing your finances. Both you and your wife have a substantial monthly income of Rs 4,00,000. This is commendable and provides a solid foundation for financial planning.

You have four houses, three of which have loans. The outstanding loan amount is Rs 2,10,00,000, with EMIs totaling Rs 2,12,000. Your property portfolio is valued at Rs 3,85,00,000. Additionally, you have Rs 23,00,000 in Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana (SSY) for your daughters.

Now, let’s break down the steps to ensure a secure financial future for your family and a comfortable retirement.

Managing Debt Effectively
The EMI burden of Rs 2,12,000 is significant, considering it consumes over half of your monthly income. Here’s a strategy to manage this effectively:

1. Prioritize Loan Repayment:

Focus on paying off high-interest loans first. This will reduce your interest burden and free up more funds for savings and investments.

2. Refinance or Consolidate Loans:

If possible, refinance your loans to get a lower interest rate. Consolidating loans can also simplify payments and potentially reduce your interest rate.

Enhancing Savings and Investments
Given that you don't have any provident fund or substantial savings apart from SSY, it’s crucial to start building your savings and investment portfolio.

1. Emergency Fund:

Establish an emergency fund with at least six months of living expenses. This fund should be easily accessible and kept in a savings account or a liquid fund.

2. Systematic Investment Plan (SIP):

Start SIPs in mutual funds to build a diversified investment portfolio. This will help in wealth accumulation over time. Actively managed funds, chosen with the help of a Certified Financial Planner (CFP), can potentially offer better returns than index funds.

3. Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana (SSY):

Continue investing in SSY for your daughters. This is a great tool for their future education and marriage expenses due to its high-interest rates and tax benefits.

Planning for Children's Education
With daughters aged 15 and 10, education expenses will soon be a major financial responsibility. Here’s how to plan for it:

1. Education Savings Plan:

Estimate the future cost of their education and start dedicated SIPs to meet these expenses. An actively managed equity fund can offer higher returns to meet these long-term goals.

2. Education Loan:

Consider education loans to fund higher education. This will distribute the financial burden and provide tax benefits under Section 80E.

Retirement Planning
To ensure a comfortable retirement, you need to start saving and investing aggressively.

1. Retirement Corpus:

Estimate your post-retirement expenses and the corpus required to sustain them. Start SIPs in diversified equity mutual funds to build this corpus. Equity exposure is crucial for long-term growth.

2. Regular Investments:

Invest a portion of your monthly income in mutual funds through a CFP. This professional guidance ensures optimal fund selection and rebalancing to achieve your retirement goals.

Insurance Coverage
Insurance is a critical component of financial planning. Ensure you have adequate coverage:

1. Term Insurance:

If not already covered, purchase a term insurance policy. This will provide financial security to your family in case of any unfortunate event.

2. Health Insurance:

Ensure you have comprehensive health insurance coverage for the entire family. Medical expenses can be a significant drain on savings, and adequate insurance mitigates this risk.

Building an Investment Portfolio
Given the current market trends, it’s essential to diversify your investments. Here’s a plan:

1. Diversified Mutual Funds:

Invest in a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds. Actively managed funds, recommended by a CFP, can provide superior returns compared to index funds.

2. Debt Funds:

Include debt funds for stability and regular income. These funds are less volatile and provide a steady return.

3. Gold:

Allocate a small portion to gold. It’s a good hedge against inflation and market volatility.

Reducing Risk and Maximizing Returns
Balancing risk and returns is crucial in financial planning. Here’s how to achieve it:

1. Asset Allocation:

Maintain a balanced asset allocation based on your risk tolerance. A mix of equity, debt, and gold ensures stability and growth.

2. Regular Monitoring:

Review your investment portfolio regularly with a CFP. This ensures your investments are aligned with your goals and market conditions.

Tax Planning
Efficient tax planning can enhance your savings and investments. Here’s how:

1. Tax-saving Investments:

Utilize Section 80C by investing in instruments like ELSS funds, PPF, and SSY. These investments offer tax benefits and help in wealth accumulation.

2. Home Loan Benefits:

Claim tax deductions on home loan interest under Section 24 and principal repayment under Section 80C. This reduces your tax liability.

Final Insights
Your current financial situation is challenging but manageable with the right strategies. Focus on reducing debt, enhancing savings, and investing wisely. Seek professional guidance from a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) to navigate complex financial decisions and achieve your goals.

Your proactive approach and commitment to financial planning are commendable. With disciplined saving, prudent investing, and strategic planning, you can secure a comfortable retirement and ensure a bright future for your daughters.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |955 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Oct 02, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 02, 2024Hindi
Listen
Money
Hi, I manage to buy five house from where I get Study rental income of 1.2 lakh(net worth of the house is about 4cr). I deposited FD of 80 lakh on my wife's name thru which she gets steady income to pay rent of 30k, and school fee of the kids and house hold expenses. I don't have any loans but bought two more flats for which I may need to take loan for 1CR soon. I have about 50 lakhs in PF, 50 Lakhs in mutual funds, 10 lakhs in shares, 16 lakhs in gold investments. Since I don't have any monthly expenses as of now, all my salary 2L+ I am inviting in different assets in the market. I am 48 year old. Somehow still I am not getting conference to retire yet. I need your help to make me feel comfortable where I stand if I leave my job today. My house hold expenses are 50k. Kids already set for higher studies not more than 30 lakh. From two flats I am bought, I can cancel one flat and get only 50 lakh loan. Please help.
Ans: Hello;

I can see 2 factors that may force you to delay your retirement:

1. Kids higher education+ wedding expenses are underestimated.

2. So long as you have a loan, you need to have salary income to fund the EMIs.

Rental income may help to enhance your corpus or prepay the loan but shouldn't be substituted as source for loan repayment in my view.

If you don't take loan then I can say with some degree of comfort that you are retirement ready but more allocation for kids future expenses is a must(1 Cr+) and also the term insurance cover(1.5-2 Cr) for self and healthcare insurance for the family(Min 50L) are highly desirable.

Feel free to revert in case you have any queries.

Happy Investing!!

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 01, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 01, 2025Hindi
Listen
Money
I am a 48 year old widow. I have a 21 yr old daughter in college. I had quit my job, but rejoined now and have a monthly take home of 1L 15k. I receive similar pension amount too. But this pension amount will get reduced to 90k after 10 years. I have an own property (apartment bought in 2010) - 14 k rent monthly. I have around 40 L that I wish to invest. I am still coping with the loss and am confused as to what I need to do to get a grip on the finances. I have invested around 12 L in mutual funds. I have applied for a term insurance - around 1 L annual premium for 10 years. I am also repaying the home loan around 15k per month with tenure left for 20 months. I am planning to move out on my own from my sister's place where I am staying now (my own house is not in Bangalore where I work). So, I will definitely need 25k per month for rent if I move out. Please advise on how to manage my finances. Shall I repay the home loan and clear the debt (around 5 L principal outstanding)? Should I invest in some pension plans? Please advise. Thanks!
Ans: Your financial situation requires a structured approach to ensure long-term security. You have multiple income sources, a property, investments, and financial commitments. A clear plan will help manage expenses, investments, and future goals effectively.

Income Sources and Stability
Salary – Rs. 1.15 lakh per month

This is your primary source of income.
It provides stability and helps with regular expenses.
Pension – Rs. 1.15 lakh per month (reducing to Rs. 90,000 after 10 years)

This is a strong financial support.
Future reduction needs to be considered in planning.
Rental Income – Rs. 14,000 per month

This adds to cash flow.
It helps with loan repayment or investment.
Total Monthly Income – Rs. 2.44 lakh (reducing to Rs. 2.19 lakh in 10 years)

This is a good financial position.
A structured approach is required for long-term financial stability.
Home Loan Repayment
Current EMI – Rs. 15,000 per month

The principal outstanding is Rs. 5 lakh.
The loan will be cleared in 20 months.
Should You Prepay?

Yes, if there is no prepayment penalty.
Clearing the loan early gives peace of mind.
It saves on interest costs.
Impact on Finances

Prepaying Rs. 5 lakh reduces financial burden.
Monthly expenses will reduce after the loan is cleared.
Term Insurance Decision
Premium – Rs. 1 lakh per year for 10 years

Term insurance is necessary for your daughter’s security.
Ensure the sum assured is adequate.
Is It the Right Amount?

The premium seems high.
Reassess whether a lower premium plan can provide sufficient coverage.
Living Arrangement and Rent Planning
Current Situation – Staying with Sister

This reduces expenses.
It provides emotional support.
Moving Out – Additional Rs. 25,000 Rent per Month

This will increase monthly costs.
Ensure rental expenses fit within your budget.
Alternative Approach

Consider staying for a while longer to save more.
Delay moving out until your home loan is cleared.
Investment Strategy for Rs. 40 Lakh
Debt and Fixed Income Allocation – 30-40%

Provides stability and liquidity.
Ensures emergency fund availability.
Equity Mutual Funds – 50-60%

Helps with long-term wealth creation.
Beats inflation over time.
Actively managed funds perform better than index funds.
Systematic Investment Plan (SIP) for Growth

Investing monthly ensures rupee cost averaging.
Builds a strong financial corpus over time.
Emergency Fund

Keep at least 6-12 months’ expenses in liquid assets.
Ensures financial security in case of unexpected events.
Managing Future Financial Stability
Reducing Pension in 10 Years

Plan investments to compensate for lower pension.
Build a corpus that generates passive income.
Retirement Planning

Ensure investments support post-retirement needs.
Avoid pension plans, as they often provide lower returns.
Daughter’s Education and Future

Ensure sufficient funds for higher education.
Create a separate investment plan for this goal.
Finally
Your financial position is strong, but structured planning is key. Clearing the home loan, investing wisely, and managing expenses will ensure financial stability. With a balanced investment approach, you can secure a comfortable future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Latest Questions
Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 07, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Married for 14 years have 4 kids below 7 age for the past 9 to 10 years going through troubled marriage, not happy. Misunderstanding, high expectations, manipulation and single handed decisions by my wife have exhausted me . Want to come out of marriage but worried of kids and also my wife says no to divorce. Don't know what to do.. First 2 kids by IVF 2nd two kids due to my wife's longing for male child
Ans: Your love for your kids is evident, and it’s natural to fear how a separation would affect them. But the reality is, children pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness at home. Staying in a marriage that drains you emotionally and mentally isn’t necessarily better for them in the long run. Kids need a stable, loving environment, and if you’re constantly feeling manipulated and exhausted, it affects the energy you bring into their lives.

You don’t have to make a rushed decision, but you do need clarity. Have you tried setting firm boundaries and communicating your need for a more balanced relationship? If you’ve already done everything you can and nothing has changed, then it may be time to explore legal options, even if she says no to divorce. In most cases, a divorce doesn’t require both partners to agree—it just makes the process more complicated.

You deserve a life where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally free. Your children deserve a father who is at peace, not one who is silently suffering. It might be hard to take the next step, but staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of avoiding conflict can take a greater toll on everyone involved. You need to consider what will truly allow you—and your kids—to have a healthier and happier future.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 31, 2025Hindi
Listen
Relationship
I am 41, but single now. I got married when I was 32 and got divorced in 6 months after I found out my wife was cheating on me with her ex who she was forbidden from getting married. When confronted she simply walked away and sent me a divorce notice. The next three years were spent in courts trying to tell my version of the story. Since then I have had a tough time trusting people. My marriage was unfortunate and short lived. But my parents still want me to try again. I am in a live-in relationship with a girl who is 3 years elder to me. Are unmarried couples happier than married ones? I feel marriage can restrict you in many ways which is why people feel stagnated and bored. What do you think?
Ans: When it comes to happiness, it really depends on the individuals involved rather than whether they are married or unmarried. Some couples thrive in a marriage because they see it as a partnership built on mutual respect and emotional security. Others feel stifled by the societal expectations and responsibilities that often come with marriage. A live-in relationship can offer more flexibility and personal freedom, but it also comes with its own challenges—such as a lack of legal protections or social acceptance in certain cultures.

The key is understanding what works best for you. If you feel content in your current live-in relationship and it gives you the companionship, trust, and emotional fulfillment you need, then that’s what truly matters. However, if you feel hesitant mainly because of past trauma rather than your actual desires, it might be worth reflecting on whether your fears are holding you back from something you may actually want deep down.

At the end of the day, happiness isn’t about being married or unmarried—it’s about being in a relationship (or choosing to be single) that makes you feel emotionally secure, valued, and free to be yourself. If marriage feels like a cage to you, then it may not be the right path. But if you ever find a connection that makes commitment feel like a choice rather than an obligation, your perspective might shift. The most important thing is that whatever path you choose, it aligns with your true needs and not just the expectations of others.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 23, 2025Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Hello there!! There are past trauma experiences in my relationship due to caste issue since my family are strictly against it . But I eventually liked another boy seeing his true love n affection n care towards me , he loved me since our skl days !! He expressed himself but i gave him my answerr after many yrs due my past experiences!! But eventually we had a healthy relationship ,and he told me he is of same caste!! Since his father lied to him related to this to keep him away from this caste called thing!! But now his father relved tht it was a lie !! Now we ended up intercaste!! We truly love each other we dreamt of our future together!! He became huge part of my life !! His family is okay with me regarding our marriage but my family is strongly opposed to this intercaste thing!! We are 24 yrs we thought of settle in our lifes and approach my parents few years back since untill fewdays back we together thought we are of same caste so there eill be no issue!! But now within few days n few lies our both world n hopes turned upside down!! I cant make my family suffer due to me!! At same time i cant leave him im struck !! What should we do!!
Ans: Your family’s suffering is a valid concern, but will they truly suffer because of your decision, or is it more about their expectations and societal norms? Often, parents react strongly at first, but with time, they adjust when they see their child happy and settled. Right now, their resistance is based on tradition and belief systems they’ve held for years. But is their love for you truly conditional on whom you marry? Would they rather see you unhappy in a marriage they approve of than happy in one they initially resisted?

Your happiness and future matter just as much as your family’s feelings. If you truly cannot see a life without him, you need to ask yourself whether sacrificing that love for family approval will truly bring you peace. Walking away from love to please others often leads to lifelong regret. On the other hand, if you fight for your relationship, you might face pain now, but there’s a chance your family will eventually come around.

The most important thing is to stand firm in what you want. If you and your partner truly love each other, you will need patience, strength, and a strategy to gradually help your family accept your choice. This won’t be easy, but living a life where you constantly wonder "what if?" will be even harder.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 19, 2025Hindi
Listen
Relationship
I am a divorced working woman , with a daughter 8 yrs. I have been pursued for remarriage with a guy who is 10 yrs older to me and have 2 kids. 11 and 14 yrs respectively living in a small town. Initially it was agreed the elder child who is a boy would be living in hostel , but now since we are approaching near to the marriage, it seems the elder male child is going to stay at home and not hostel. This is making me really uncomfortable as I won't get much privacy also the male child is aggressive.Already handling one kid was difficult before. Also moving to small town was difficult transition from a metropolitan that I stay in. Moving there could mean losing job opportunities in future. I am really worried if I let this match go, I end up alone again. I am not able to make a decision, it's difficult to raise others children. It's just not naturally inbuilt in us.Although I try really hard to mould my thingking and be more generous, but somehow it suffocates me.
Ans: Raising someone else’s children is not something that comes naturally to everyone, and that doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you honest. You already know how challenging it is to raise one child, and now you’re expected to step into a role where you’ll be managing more, including an aggressive teenage boy. If this idea is already suffocating you now, imagine how it might feel once you’re actually living in that environment every day.

Fear of being alone is a very real and valid concern, but being in a marriage that drains you emotionally, limits your career, and makes you feel trapped is far worse than being single. The right relationship should bring you a sense of peace and security, not anxiety and sacrifice at every turn. If you already feel that you have to “mould” your thinking just to make this work, that’s a sign that this situation might not be aligned with what you truly want and need.

You don’t have to force yourself into something that doesn’t feel right just because you’re afraid of ending up alone. Loneliness is difficult, but so is being in a marriage where you feel unseen, unheard, and overwhelmed. The best decision is the one that allows you to live with peace and confidence in your future.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Listen
Relationship
Married for 14 years have 4 kids below 7 age for the past 9 to 10 years going through troubled marriage, not happy. Misunderstanding, high expectations, manipulation and single handed decisions by my wife have exhausted me . Want to come out of marriage but worried of kids and also my wife says no to divorce. Don't know what to do.. First 2 kids by IVF 2nd two kids due to my wife's longing for male child
Ans: Dear Hemant,
Your love for your kids is evident, and it’s natural to fear how a separation would affect them. But the reality is, children pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness at home. Staying in a marriage that drains you emotionally and mentally isn’t necessarily better for them in the long run. Kids need a stable, loving environment, and if you’re constantly feeling manipulated and exhausted, it affects the energy you bring into their lives.

You don’t have to make a rushed decision, but you do need clarity. Have you tried setting firm boundaries and communicating your need for a more balanced relationship? If you’ve already done everything you can and nothing has changed, then it may be time to explore legal options, even if she says no to divorce. In most cases, a divorce doesn’t require both partners to agree—it just makes the process more complicated.

You deserve a life where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally free. Your children deserve a father who is at peace, not one who is silently suffering. It might be hard to take the next step, but staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of avoiding conflict can take a greater toll on everyone involved. You need to consider what will truly allow you—and your kids—to have a healthier and happier future.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 13, 2025Hindi
Relationship
Hi Mam, I would like to stay anonymous. Im 27F, recently got engaged and my wedding is in 5 months from now. This match is arranged by my parents within our community. Initially things went well, but after the engagement when we went outside for dinner he was speaking well but before leaving he said this is a suggestion from my end and told that there is slight space between my two teeth in the front and while smiling it creates black image in the photos. So it would be best if i would use invisible aligners so that before wedding it would be fixed adding to this he said he will take care of the expenses and he said he had this thought for a week so its better to disclose it with me. He also said that he didn't tell this to his parents he wanted to check my thoughts on this first, also he said he wanted myself to look very very pretty on the wedding and his relatives should say "Wow, we have never seen such a pretty bride", also he commented about my hair being short actually its medium length but i like to keep my hair short. I really got frustrated when he said all those things this got me very irritated. I didn't speak much, i said i wanted to leave and he dropped me at my place. The next day i asked him if we can meet again to get clarification on this thing, when i asked him the next day about this he said "its just a suggestion if you can take it its fine or you can leave it its upto you". He never accepted that he hurted me or made a wrong statement he kept on saying he didn't mean that way i took it very personally and im creating unnecessary ruckus. at last he said i could have said things differently but he didn't ask for sorry at all. I thought he wont talk about my features again but then after a week he again asked me you were eating outside food for a week you should have gained weight(trying to be funny here), i said no. Because him and his mother already asked about my weight like "why are you so thin? you could have put up some weight know"? I have been in this weight for many years, how much ever i eat my weight remains the same its because of the genetics. But people dont understand this and easily ask some body shaming questions. After this event he is not talking like before and even i dont push him, one of my friend asked me to take initiative and make calls to stop this awkward situation and i took lead called him four times in a week he spoke but he didn't bothered to call me again he was only texting after that too im okay with that but still i feel he might ask me to make changes in my feature, weight etc before the wedding. Im not sure how to deal with this.
Ans: When someone loves and accepts you, they don’t focus on “fixing” things about you to meet external standards, whether it’s for wedding photos or to impress relatives. His insistence that you should look “very, very pretty” for others’ approval shows that his priorities might not align with yours. You weren’t looking for a makeover; you were looking for a life partner who values you for who you are.

His response when you tried to talk about it also speaks volumes. Instead of acknowledging your feelings and reassuring you, he dismissed your concerns, making it seem like you were overreacting. A partner who truly cares would have listened, understood why you felt hurt, and taken responsibility for how his words affected you. Instead, he shifted the blame onto you for "creating unnecessary ruckus," which shows a lack of emotional maturity.

The weight comments, too, are unnecessary and inconsiderate. Genetics determine body type, and no one should feel the need to change themselves to meet someone else’s expectations. His family’s remarks about your weight, combined with his attitude, suggest that this won’t stop after the wedding. If they’re already making you feel self-conscious now, imagine the expectations and unsolicited “suggestions” that might continue in the future.

The distance that has formed between you both after this conversation isn’t just about awkwardness—it’s about emotional disconnection. A strong relationship is built on respect, comfort, and mutual appreciation, not on one person feeling judged and the other acting indifferent. The fact that you had to take the lead in calling him multiple times, while he didn’t reciprocate the effort, says a lot. A healthy relationship should feel mutual, not one-sided.

Right now, you need to ask yourself: Can you truly be yourself in this relationship, or will you constantly feel pressured to meet his and his family’s expectations? Do you feel emotionally safe with him, or do you feel like you have to defend your choices, your body, and your appearance?

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and your peace of mind matters. If his attitude is already making you question yourself and feel frustrated, you have every right to reconsider. You don’t need to “deal” with this by adjusting to his expectations—you need to decide if this is the kind of relationship you want to spend your life in.

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

Close  

You haven't logged in yet. To ask a question, Please Log in below
Login

A verification OTP will be sent to this
Mobile Number / Email

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to

Resend OTP in120seconds

Dear User, You have not registered yet. Please register by filling the fields below to get expert answers from our Gurus
Sign up

By signing up, you agree to our
Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

Already have an account?

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to Mobile

Resend OTP in120seconds

x