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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6347 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 29, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Dec 26, 2023Hindi
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i am 46 years old and plan to invest 65000 PM on sip for my Dougher education , Marriage and retirement. For Daughter education I need 45 Lakhs (current cost) in 8 years and for her marriage 40 Lakh (current cost) in 12 years. I need 2 crores in 12 years for my retirement. My profile is moderately aggressive risk taker. i have currently have 40Lakhs in mutual fund portfolio. current mutual fund portfolio is a mix of midcap , Flexicap and small cap funds. i am currently doing a SIP of 20000 in Canara Robeco Emerging Equities-Direct-Growth,Rs 5000 sip in DSP Small Cap Fund-Direct-Growth , Rs 5000 SIP in Invesco India Infrastructure Fund - Direct Plan Growth and sip of 10000 in Kotak Emerging Equity Fund - Direct Plan - Growth . I have employee insurance and additional term insurance on own. i have employee medical insurance and additional family medical insurance of 5 lakh on my own. i have paid off my home loans. i want to increase my current sip of Rs 40000 to 65000 pm please suggest mutual funds to meet my goals for Daughter education , Marriage and retirement.

Ans: Given your financial goals for your daughter's education and marriage, as well as your retirement, let's devise a strategic plan to achieve them through SIP investments.

Assessing Your Financial Goals
You aim to accumulate Rs 45 lakhs in 8 years for your daughter's education, Rs 40 lakhs in 12 years for her marriage, and Rs 2 crores in 12 years for your retirement. These are ambitious yet achievable goals with the right investment approach.

Understanding Your Risk Profile
As a moderately aggressive investor, you are willing to accept higher risks in exchange for potentially higher returns. This risk appetite aligns well with your long-term investment horizon and financial goals.

Evaluating Your Current Mutual Fund Portfolio
Your existing portfolio consists of midcap, flexicap, and small-cap funds, reflecting a diversified approach to equity investments. These funds have the potential to generate high returns over time, suitable for your risk profile and long-term goals.

Increasing Your SIP Investments
To increase your SIP from Rs 40,000 to Rs 65,000 per month, we need to identify suitable mutual funds aligned with your financial goals and risk tolerance.

Choosing Mutual Funds for Education and Marriage Goals
Education Goal (Rs 45 lakhs in 8 years): Given the relatively short time horizon, focus on equity funds with a blend of midcap and flexicap funds. These offer growth potential while managing volatility.

Marriage Goal (Rs 40 lakhs in 12 years): With a slightly longer horizon, maintain exposure to midcap and flexicap funds but consider adding large-cap funds for stability and consistent returns.

Retirement Planning (Rs 2 crores in 12 years)
Balanced Approach: Given the importance of this goal, adopt a balanced approach with exposure to equity and debt funds. Allocate a significant portion to equity for growth potential while diversifying into debt for stability.

Systematic Asset Allocation: Implement a systematic asset allocation strategy, gradually shifting towards debt as you approach retirement to safeguard accumulated wealth.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds Over Index Funds
Actively managed funds offer several advantages over index funds:

Expert Management: Actively managed funds are overseen by professional fund managers who actively research and select investments, aiming to outperform the market.

Flexibility: Fund managers have the flexibility to adjust portfolios based on market conditions and opportunities, potentially enhancing returns.

Conclusion
Increasing your SIP investments to Rs 65,000 per month is a prudent step towards achieving your financial goals. By diversifying your portfolio with a mix of equity and debt funds, and focusing on actively managed funds, you can potentially maximize returns while managing risks effectively.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6347 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 29, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 27, 2023Hindi
Money
I am 46 years old and plan to invest 65,000 PM in sip for my daughters' future education, marriage, and my retirement. For her education, I need 45 lakhs (current cost) in 8 years, and for her marriage, I need 40 lakhs (current cost) in 12 years. I need 2 crores in 12 years for my retirement. My profile is that of a moderately aggressive risk-taker. I currently have 40 lakhs in my mutual fund portfolio. The current mutual fund portfolio is a mix of midcap, flexicap, and small cap funds. I am currently doing a SIP of 20000 in Canara Robeco Emerging Equities-Direct-Growth, a Rs 5000 sip in DSP Small Cap Fund-Direct-Growth, a Rs 5000 SIP in Invesco India Infrastructure Fund-Direct Plan Growth, and a sip of 10000 in Kotak Emerging Equity Fund-Direct Plan-Growth. I have employee insurance and additional term insurance on my own. I have employee medical insurance and additional family medical insurance of Rs 5 lakh on my own. I have paid off my home loans. I want to increase my current sip of Rs 40000 to 65000 pm. Please suggest if my financial goals are achievable. Plese suggest mutual funds to meet my goals for my daughter's education, marriage, and retirement. Can I maintain one portfolio to achieve all the goals or different portfolio with different funds for each goal?
Ans: Creating a Financial Plan to Achieve Your Financial Goals
Given your comprehensive financial profile, let's create a structured plan to achieve your goals for your daughter's education, marriage, and your retirement. You have done a commendable job in managing your finances so far. Let's build on that to ensure your future financial needs are met.

Understanding Your Financial Goals
Daughter’s Education: Rs. 45 lakhs needed in 8 years.
Daughter’s Marriage: Rs. 40 lakhs needed in 12 years.
Retirement: Rs. 2 crores needed in 12 years.
Current Financial Position
Monthly Income: Rs. 65,000 saved through SIP.
Current Mutual Fund Portfolio: Rs. 40 lakhs.
Current SIPs:
Rs. 20,000 in Canara Robeco Emerging Equities-Direct-Growth.
Rs. 5,000 in DSP Small Cap Fund-Direct-Growth.
Rs. 5,000 in Invesco India Infrastructure Fund-Direct Plan Growth.
Rs. 10,000 in Kotak Emerging Equity Fund-Direct Plan-Growth.
Risk Profile and Insurance
Moderately Aggressive Risk-Taker: This allows for a significant portion in equity.
Insurance: Sufficient life and health insurance coverage, reducing financial risk.
Investment Strategy
To meet your goals, we need a balanced approach focusing on high-growth potential while managing risks. Here is a detailed plan:

Consolidated Portfolio vs. Separate Portfolios
Consolidated Portfolio:

Easier to manage.
Allows flexibility in reallocating funds as goals approach.
Separate Portfolios:

Clarity in tracking progress towards individual goals.
Specific asset allocation based on the time horizon of each goal.
Given the clear demarcation of your financial goals, it may be practical to maintain separate portfolios with specific funds tailored to each goal.

Goal-Based Investment Portfolios
1. Daughter’s Education (8 Years)
Objective: Accumulate Rs. 45 lakhs.

Recommended Funds:

Equity-Oriented Hybrid Funds: Suitable for medium-term goals with a balanced risk-return profile.
Large-Cap Funds: Relatively stable with consistent returns.
Suggested Allocation:

60% in Equity-Oriented Hybrid Funds.
40% in Large-Cap Funds.
2. Daughter’s Marriage (12 Years)
Objective: Accumulate Rs. 40 lakhs.

Recommended Funds:

Flexi-Cap Funds: Provides diversification across market capitalizations.
Multi-Cap Funds: Allows dynamic asset allocation based on market conditions.
Suggested Allocation:

50% in Flexi-Cap Funds.
50% in Multi-Cap Funds.
3. Retirement (12 Years)
Objective: Accumulate Rs. 2 crores.

Recommended Funds:

Mid-Cap Funds: Suitable for long-term growth with higher returns.
Small-Cap Funds: Higher risk but potential for significant returns.
Balanced Advantage Funds: For a dynamic mix of equity and debt.
Suggested Allocation:

40% in Mid-Cap Funds.
30% in Small-Cap Funds.
30% in Balanced Advantage Funds.
Current SIPs Review and Adjustment
Your current SIPs are heavily invested in mid-cap and small-cap funds. While these have high growth potential, diversifying into large-cap and hybrid funds will balance the risk.

Review of Current SIPs:
Canara Robeco Emerging Equities-Direct-Growth: Continue but consider reducing allocation.
DSP Small Cap Fund-Direct-Growth: Continue with current allocation.
Invesco India Infrastructure Fund-Direct Plan Growth: Consider reallocating to more diversified funds.
Kotak Emerging Equity Fund-Direct Plan-Growth: Continue but monitor performance.
Adjusted SIPs:
Increase SIPs to Rs. 65,000:
Rs. 10,000 in a new Large-Cap Fund.
Rs. 10,000 in a new Equity-Oriented Hybrid Fund.
Rs. 5,000 in a new Flexi-Cap Fund.
Rs. 5,000 in a new Multi-Cap Fund.
Continue existing SIPs with adjusted amounts if necessary.
Achieving Financial Goals
To achieve Rs. 45 lakhs in 8 years for your daughter's education, you need a disciplined investment strategy with moderate risk. For the marriage goal, a slightly higher risk can be taken given the longer horizon. For retirement, balancing between growth and stability will be crucial.

Regular Monitoring and Rebalancing
Annual Review: Assess portfolio performance and adjust allocations as needed.
Rebalancing: Rebalance portfolios to maintain desired asset allocation.
Adjust Contributions: Increase SIP amounts as your income grows.
Tax Efficiency
Equity Linked Savings Schemes (ELSS): Consider for tax benefits under Section 80C.
Long-Term Capital Gains Tax: Plan withdrawals considering tax implications.
Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund with 6-12 months of living expenses. This fund ensures financial security in case of unexpected expenses.

Conclusion
With a well-structured investment strategy and disciplined approach, your financial goals are achievable. Diversifying investments across different mutual funds tailored to each goal will help in managing risks and maximizing returns.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6347 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 30, 2024

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I am 46 years old and plan to invest 65,000 PM in sip for my daughters' education, marriage, and my retirement. For her education, I need 45 lakhs (current cost) in 8 years, and for her marriage, I need 40 lakhs (current cost) in 12 years. I need 2 crores in 12 years for my retirement. My profile is that of a moderately aggressive risk-taker. I currently have 45 lakhs in my mutual fund portfolio. The current mutual fund portfolio is a mix of midcap, flexicap, and small cap funds. I am currently doing a SIP of 20000 in Canara Robeco Emerging Equities-Direct-Growth, a Rs 5000 sip in DSP Small Cap Fund-Direct-Growth, a Rs 5000 SIP in Invesco India Infrastructure Fund-Direct Plan Growth, and a sip of 10000 in Kotak Emerging Equity Fund-Direct Plan-Growth. I have employee insurance and additional term insurance on my own. I have employee medical insurance and top up family medical insurance of Rs 5 lakh on my own. I have paid off my home loans. I want to increase my current sip of Rs 40000 to 65000 pm. Please suggest if my financial goals are achievable. Plese suggest SIP mutual funds to meet my goals for my daughter's education, marriage, and retirement. Can I maintain one portfolio to achieve all the goals or different portfolio with different funds for each goal with different Mutal funds in each portfolio?
Ans: It's inspiring to see your commitment to securing your family's future! With a moderately aggressive risk appetite, aligning your SIPs with your financial goals is crucial. To ensure success, consider diversifying your SIPs across equity mutual funds targeting different goals. For your daughter's education and marriage, opt for funds with a higher equity allocation for growth potential. For your retirement, balance risk with diversified funds focusing on wealth preservation. Regularly review your portfolio's performance and make adjustments as needed. Remember, financial planning is a journey, and with prudent decisions and disciplined investing, achieving your goals is indeed achievable.

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Sunil

Sunil Lala  | Answer  |Ask -

Financial Planner - Answered on Jan 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 02, 2024Hindi
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I am 46 years old and plan to invest 65,000 PM in sip for my daughters' education, marriage, and my retirement. For her education, I need 45 lakhs (current cost) in 8 years, and for her marriage, I need 40 lakhs (current cost) in 12 years. I need 2 crores in 12 years for my retirement. My profile is that of a moderately aggressive risk-taker. I currently have 45 lakhs in my mutual fund portfolio. The current mutual fund portfolio is a mix of midcap, flexicap, and small cap funds. I am currently doing a SIP of 20000 in Canara Robeco Emerging Equities-Direct-Growth, a Rs 5000 sip in DSP Small Cap Fund-Direct-Growth, a Rs 5000 SIP in Invesco India Infrastructure Fund-Direct Plan Growth, and a sip of 10000 in Kotak Emerging Equity Fund-Direct Plan-Growth. I have employee insurance and additional term insurance on my own. I have employee medical insurance and top up family medical insurance of Rs 5 lakh on my own. I have paid off my home loans. I want to increase my current sip of Rs 40000 to 65000 pm. Please suggest if my financial goals are achievable. Plese suggest mutual funds for SIP to meet my goals for my daughter's education, marriage, and retirement. Can I maintain one portfolio to achieve all the goals or different portfolio with different funds for each goal with different Mutal funds in each portfolio?
Ans: Your current Funds are good you can add in same funds and also add some amount of SIP in Large & Midcap fund of some good fund house. Your corpus of 45 Lakh can grow to 1.75 crores in next 12 years. With the SIP of 65K you can achieve the education and marriage cost of your daughter too. Also no need to specify funds for different goals, just maintain one portfolio. Your employees medical insurance will lapse once you are retired so increase your medical insurance

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6347 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 06, 2024

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Sir I am 37 year old ... having salary of 1.2 lacs per months and want to save money for child higher education and daughter martiage. Have 48 lakhs in fd's and PF account is having 18 laksh and will receive 20 lakhs in 2027 from LIC Please suggest how to invest in SIP currently having 50000 lumsump in Sbi energy opportunities fund, lumsump 50000 in SBI AUTO Hdfc noncyclic consumer fund Sip of 3000 Edelweiss small cap fund sip of 4000 Kotak emerging equity fund sip of. 3000 NJFlexi cap 1500, Hdfc multicap fund SIP of 1500 (50000 lumsum) Icici prudential value discovery fund sip of 1000 Total SIP per month 14500 and will increase to 30000 Please review my mutual fund portfolio as i dont have any knowledge and suggest if i have chossen correct category with mutual fund name or need to switch Waiting for your suggestion and thanks in advance Please suggest me fund for SIP as i dont have much knowledge and want to invest 30000 per month.. please help me
Ans: You have taken commendable steps towards securing your financial future. It’s inspiring to see your commitment to investing for your child's higher education and your daughter's marriage. Financial planning is crucial, and your efforts to build a diversified portfolio are noteworthy.

Current Financial Situation
You are 37 years old, earning Rs. 1.2 lakh per month. You have Rs. 48 lakhs in fixed deposits (FDs) and Rs. 18 lakhs in your Provident Fund (PF) account. Additionally, you will receive Rs. 20 lakhs from LIC in 2027.

Your current investments include:

Rs. 50,000 lump sum in SBI Energy Opportunities Fund
Rs. 50,000 lump sum in SBI Auto Fund
SIPs totaling Rs. 14,500 per month in various funds:
Edelweiss Small Cap Fund: Rs. 3,000
Kotak Emerging Equity Fund: Rs. 4,000
NJ Flexi Cap Fund: Rs. 1,500
HDFC Multicap Fund: Rs. 1,500 (plus Rs. 50,000 lump sum)
ICICI Prudential Value Discovery Fund: Rs. 1,000
You plan to increase your SIP to Rs. 30,000 per month.

Portfolio Analysis
Your current portfolio is diverse, covering small cap, mid cap, and multi-cap funds. However, it's essential to assess if the allocation aligns with your financial goals and risk tolerance.

Financial Goals and Investment Horizon
Child's Higher Education: Assuming your child is currently around 10 years old, you have roughly 8-10 years until higher education expenses begin.
Daughter's Marriage: Assuming your daughter is currently around 5 years old, you have roughly 15-20 years until her marriage expenses.
These timelines give you a medium to long-term investment horizon, allowing for a balanced approach between growth and stability.

Calculating Required Corpus
Child's Higher Education
Assume the cost of higher education today is Rs. 20 lakhs. With an average inflation rate of 6%, the cost after 10 years would be:

Future Cost = Current Cost × (1 + Inflation Rate)^Number of Years
Future Cost = 20,00,000 × (1 + 0.06)^10
Future Cost ≈ 35,80,000

Daughter's Marriage
Assume the cost of marriage today is Rs. 15 lakhs. With an average inflation rate of 6%, the cost after 20 years would be:

Future Cost = Current Cost × (1 + Inflation Rate)^Number of Years
Future Cost = 15,00,000 × (1 + 0.06)^20
Future Cost ≈ 48,10,000

SIP Required for Future Goals
To accumulate Rs. 35.8 lakhs in 10 years and Rs. 48.1 lakhs in 20 years, let’s calculate the SIP amounts needed. Assuming an average annual return of 12%, the monthly SIP required can be calculated using the future value of an SIP formula:

Future Value (FV) = P × [ (1 + r)^n - 1 ] / r × (1 + r)

Where:

P is the monthly investment (SIP amount)
r is the monthly rate of return (annual return / 12)
n is the total number of investments (months)
For a 12% annual return:
r = 12/100 / 12 = 0.01

For Higher Education (10 years):
n = 10 × 12 = 120

35,80,000 = P × [ (1 + 0.01)^120 - 1 ] / 0.01 × (1 + 0.01)
35,80,000 = P × 232.97 × 1.01
35,80,000 = P × 235.30
P ≈ 15,200

For Marriage (20 years):
n = 20 × 12 = 240

48,10,000 = P × [ (1 + 0.01)^240 - 1 ] / 0.01 × (1 + 0.01)
48,10,000 = P × 967.15 × 1.01
48,10,000 = P × 976.82
P ≈ 4,920

Recommended Monthly SIP
To meet both goals, you need to invest approximately Rs. 20,120 per month (Rs. 15,200 for education + Rs. 4,920 for marriage). This is well within your planned SIP increase to Rs. 30,000.

Reviewing and Adjusting Your Portfolio
Given your existing investments, it is essential to ensure they align with your goals and risk profile. Here’s a detailed review:

Existing SIPs
Edelweiss Small Cap Fund: Small-cap funds can provide high growth but come with high volatility. Limit to a smaller portion of your portfolio.
Kotak Emerging Equity Fund: Mid-cap fund, good for growth but also volatile.
NJ Flexi Cap Fund: Diversified across market caps, providing stability and growth.
HDFC Multicap Fund: Balanced approach with exposure to large, mid, and small caps.
ICICI Prudential Value Discovery Fund: Focus on undervalued stocks, adding stability to the portfolio.
Recommended Changes
Reduce Exposure to High-Risk Funds: Limit small-cap funds to 10-15% of your total portfolio to manage risk.
Increase Diversification: Add large-cap funds for stability. Large-cap funds tend to be less volatile and provide steady returns.
Focus on Goal-Based Allocation: Allocate investments specifically for education and marriage goals.
Suggested Allocation for Rs. 30,000 SIP
Large Cap Fund: Rs. 7,500
Multi Cap Fund: Rs. 7,500
Mid Cap Fund: Rs. 5,000
Small Cap Fund: Rs. 3,000
Flexi Cap Fund: Rs. 4,000
Value Fund: Rs. 3,000
Actively Managed Funds vs. Index Funds
While index funds replicate market indices, actively managed funds can outperform due to the expertise of fund managers. Actively managed funds are adaptable and can capitalize on market opportunities, offering potentially higher returns.

Direct vs. Regular Funds
Direct funds have lower expense ratios but require active management and market knowledge. Regular funds, managed through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) and a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD), provide professional guidance and can be beneficial for informed decision-making.

Monitoring and Rebalancing
Regularly review and rebalance your portfolio to stay aligned with your goals. Market conditions and personal circumstances change, so periodic reviews ensure your investments remain optimal.

Conclusion
To achieve your financial goals, increase your monthly SIP to Rs. 30,000 with a well-diversified portfolio. Focus on goal-based investments and consider professional guidance for effective fund management.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |171 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Sep 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 20, 2024Hindi
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Hi, I'm 37 and I just started to invest in MFs regularly. My investments are listed below. Except a couple of them, all of them are either 1 month to a few days old. As mentioned below, started SIP of 40000 between Motilal Oswal Nifty Midcap 150 and Nippon india small cap. I would like to invest 40000 more in SIPs making my total investment as 1CR over the next 10 years, in the hopes of creating a portfolio of 2 CR with a 12% return on year. I understand that there are 11 MFs here but appreciate your suggestions on trimming this down while meeting the above mentioned financial goal. Thanks. 1. Motilal Oswal Nifty 500 Momentum 50 Index Dir-G: One Time: Investment: 50000: Current Value 50000: 2. Nippon India Nifty 500 Momentum 50 Index Dir-G: One Time: Investment: 50000: Current Value: 50000: 3. Mirae Asset ELSS Tax Saver Dir-G: One Time: Investment: 50000: Current Value:70277: 4. Mirae Asset ELSS Tax Saver Reg-G: One Time: Investment: 24998: Current Value:38598: 5. Parag Parikh Flexi Cap Dir-G: One Time: Investment: 50000: Current Value: 52727: 6. Axis ELSS Tax Saver Dir-G: One Time: Investment:30000: Current Value: 63863: 7. Nippon India Large Cap Dir-G: One Time: Investment: 49999.99: Current Value: 52358: 8. Motilal Oswal Midcap Dir-G: One Time: Investment: 50000: Current Value: 54061: 9. Quant Small Cap Dir-G: One Time: Investment: 100000: Current Value: 103437: 10. Motilal Oswal Nifty Midcap 150 Dir-G: SIP: Investment:19999.98 Current Value: 20319: 11. Nippon India Small Cap Dir-G: SIP: Investment: 20000: Current Value 20040:
Ans: 1. Nifty 500 Momentum 50 Index is a recently introduced index and hence also your funds based on this index. The back tested results look attractive however I recommend you to monitor them closely for 2-3 years and if you feel not sure about their progress you may exit and redeploy proceeds into PPFAS flexicap fund and Nippon large cap fund.

2. The additional 40 K sip proposed maybe split between either ELSS(for tax saving too) or PPFAS flexicap and Nippon India large cap fund.

3. You may merge your ELSS investments into one fund, my advice would be Mirae Asset ELSS.

4. This will help rationalize number of funds in your portfolio from 10(+2) to 7.

5. Discipline, focus and periodic review in MF investment are a must!

6. As you reach closer to your target transfer the gains from equity funds to liquid/debt funds to protect it from volatility.

I am quite hopeful that you may very well achieve the intended target with the right approach.

*Investments in mutual funds are subject to market risks. Please read all scheme related documents carefully before investing.

You may follow us on X at @mars_invest for updates.

Happy Investing!!

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |314 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 07, 2024Hindi
Relationship
I met a women through a matrimonial site. I live abroad and she lives in India. I am 42 and she is 40 years old. We spoke for about 6 months. Then I came to India. Spent some time together and even met the parents. We both like each other. And have the blessings of the parents. But the problem is distance. I am very close to attaining citizenship. But still see that the process and getting an OCI could take at least 2 years. She has a good job with the central government in India. She has decent career prospects, in the country where I live. Initially, she was not interested in marrying anyone living abroad. I raised this with her when we spoke. She had come to where I live for a short diploma course, and was okay in talking with me. When I met her parents, they were also okay with her moving abroad. So far things have been good, but now we are trying to fix the dates for marriage, and trying to solve the long distance issue. I suggested that she could take a sabbatical and spend some time, or if possible pursue higher education. so she need not leave her job in India. Given her current background she also has good career prospects already. However she panics now every time I try to breach this topic. She is scared even to research n life abroad, and now she feels it is better we break up. She admits that , she is a chronic overthinker, I have been very careful in dealing with difficult topics. She has had a relatively easy life, whereas I am used to dealing with challenges personal and professional setbacks. It is really difficult to connect with someone, irrespective of age. I have worked for 18 years in India, and not keen to go through the toxic culture and harsh corporate life. She has a transferable job in India, so even in India we might struggle to be together. I am okay with retiring, from a corpoarte jb and seeking another career which would keep me financially independant and help me lead a meanigful existene. I am exploring ways, but thiis is going to take time. We both considered all the scenarios, and agreed that if she finds a good job abroad, would be relatiely the easier path. But now she is not even ready to consider this and becomes very anxious. . I feel I am more, happy healthy living abroad than in India. I was diabetic in India, and am now off medicines , after moving abroad. It has been easier for me to lead a happy and healthy life abroad, even though I live alone. I am wondering how to approach this. I do not want to hurt anyone. I can understand why she is anxious. I have told her that she does not have to leave her job, she only has to research if she has good prospects. I even offered to get her in touch with folks who have made such transition. I gave her contact details of consultants who can advic her on her career prospects. Visa etc is not an issue. Please advise if I can salvage this relationship or better to accept defeat. I really like her and do not want to hurt her.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I understand your concerns. It is a tough choice- both for you and her. On one hand, we can't completely deny her concerns either. She has a good job here and the fear is only fair. But, given her chronic overthinking, she must have already created a worse scenario in her head. It sounds like you both are in a difficult spot where you care for each other deeply but life-changing decisions are creating anxiety. No matter how much you tell her, it isn't going to help. She has to come to terms with it herself. but there are some things you can do to speed up the process-

Acknowledge the fear- Don't make her feel like she is wrong to think this way, or that she is merely overthinking. There is some logic to her fears. Acknowledge that. It does not mean you are encouraging them. Just let her know that any big life decisions are bound to cause some panic in a person and her feelings are completely valid.

Encourage her to take small steps- Instead of asking her to talk to people who have made the shift, try casually including stories of such people in a normal daily conversation once in a while. It would not feel like a commitment but also give her an idea.

Frame the discussion in a better way- For instance, instead of focusing on the move, discuss the life you will be building together. This will give her a scope to see what she can gain if only she can get over her fears.

Do not rush- Big life decisions can't be taken in a hurry. So, give her that space and time. In the meantime, you can continue with life as it was. Let her know that there isn't a timeframe within which she has to decide. This isn't an ultimatum. Sometimes a few kind words can make all the difference.

It's still not time to give up. Is she worth trying a little more? If yes, try. Create a space that is free of judgment where she can openly share her worries, no matter how trivial they might be. It can seem that you are putting in all the effort, but for a chronic overthinker, even considering or trying to overcome a set fear is a big task. Give her a little more time. I am sure things will work out soon.

Best Wishes.

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |314 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 27, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
So, i've started talking to this girl who was a classmate during my college. We've never talked all this time... But we started talking only after 7 years... She was currently working near my home town.. and i am working in a neighbouring state. It is 3 or 4months now.. we are talking and we liked each other...like.. we were in the same situations in life... Like.. we both lost our mothers.. and we are from the same community.. but the deadlock came here in the guise of religion. She belongs to one and i belong to another... Even though we both from same caste... We had a discussion before like.. even though we like each other... she cant move forward in relation because of religion. We had am understanding for sometime... But recently we had a discussion over the same topic and we had a fight... Now the girl and i are not fully talking to each other... Cause she was frightened on what could happen to us if we move forward in a relationship and it fails... Because we are not a stage to try and test things because we both are 29 and you know how it will be in family for a girl... So pleaseee give me advice how to save this relationship... Because i dont want to miss this girl at all. Please...
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I understand that you are in a tough spot, but if she has truly made up her mind not to proceed with the relationship, especially based on something as sensitive as religion, I cannot advise you to pursue her or try to convince her further. The only thing you can do is have one last open discussion where you express your feelings and the things you are willing to do to make this relationship work out. And for one last time, you can ask her, and only ask, if she would be willing to give it another try. If the answer is still a no, I am sorry, but it would not be wise to continue pushing this. If religion is important to her or an integral part of her family values, it would be selfish to ask her to set that aside for you.

I hope things work out for you.


Best Wishes.

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |314 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 16, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi sir, I’m planning to start a new life with my girlfriend for rest of my life leaving our both families aside. Reason to do that is, I’m recently married with other girl, and my gf married to other guy. We both didn’t even completed 6 months. We are not happy with our life partners. The reason we Got married to other is lack of courage to fight elders by my girlfriend but now she is ready to do fight or even leave them aside for me and start a new complete life.I’m a simple corporate working guy. We are completely decided to live together whatever happens. Our parents wont accept us as they are thinking about our married partners. Whats the best advice you would give to us to start new life in other state?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

This is a huge decision. First, I would advise both of you to think this through. I am not discouraging you because a broken marriage is far better than a forced one. But if you have even the slightest tinge of doubt, don't rush it. A lot of people are involved in this.

Here are my two cents-

Respect your current marriage- Even if you decide to leave your spouses, you have to handle this situation responsibly and with respect. You are in love with each other, but your current partners are going to suffer for it, through no fault of their own. The least you can do is part ways with kindness and integrity.

Legalities- Divorces can be a long and complicated process. It takes a financial and mental toll on people. Be prepared for that, especially since you do not have the support of your family.

Mental health- Here I am not only talking about your mental health, you need to consider your current spouse's mental health too. And though leaving behind your family seems to be the only option, it is still a big decision. Make sure both you and your girlfriend are in the right frame of mind when you finalize the decision.

As for building a new life in a new city, as exciting as it is, it will be equally challenging. Plan everything to the last detail- finances, living arrangements, job, etc. Before you make the move, make sure both of you are financially independent and self-sufficient. That's the only way to tackle any hurdles.

My best advice is to make this decision very carefully and approach the situation with empathy for all parties involved. I urge you to be honest with your current partner, instead of ever resorting to gaslighting. This is on you, but it would be easy to pin this on your spouse. Don't take the easy route. Take the right one.

I hope things work out for you with no one getting irreparably hurt.

Best wishes.

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