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Sanjeev

Sanjeev Govila  | Answer  |Ask -

Financial Planner - Answered on Dec 25, 2023

Colonel Sanjeev Govila (retd) is the founder of Hum Fauji Initiatives, a financial planning company dedicated to the armed forces personnel and their families.
He has over 12 years of experience in financial planning and is a SEBI certified registered investment advisor; he is also accredited with AMFI and IRDA.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Dec 19, 2023Hindi
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Hi i am 46 years old , married with no kids . Have my own house in gurgaon and no loan of any sort to be paid . Me and my wife( 45 yrs) are both working and jointly earning 60 lacs pa after tax . Also 9 lacs pa we are getting annuity for life from LIC from jeevan shanti , which will increase to 15 lacs (for entire life )after 2028 . Further I have invested in hdfc life sanchay plus that will generate another 3.2 lacs pa from 2028 for 25 years (with return of 40 lacs in 25 th year ). Another 5 lacs per anum we will be getting from 2031for next 25 years (with return of 50 lacs in 25th year ) from another policy of sanchay plus . Also 7.5 lacs pa for 12 years after 2032 from one more policy of hdfc sanchay plus . Apart from above I have invested in nps tier 2 schemeE , current portfolio value is 35 lacs and my wife invested in nps tier 1 ( 75 % in scheme E ) with current investment of 7 lacs . Further my plan is to invest in tier 2 @ 36 lacs per year for 5 years/ 7 years . Also we both are having ppf accounts and total corpus is 70 lacs and we are planning to continue investing 1.5 lacs in each account for next 15 years . Apart from above my wife is contributing 25 k per month in vpf , her portfolio cured value is aprox 7 lacs . Currently we are having approximately 40 lacs in bank FD We both have term insurance of 1.5 cr and 1 cr respectively Also have health insurance of 40 lacs Our current monthly expenses are 1.5 lacs per month . Pls suggest if we are on right track to retire in next 7/ 8 years . Pls suggest/ comment on our current and planned future investments.

Ans: Based on the information you've provided, you and your wife appear to be on a very strong track for retirement.

• Retirement corpus estimate: Considering your planned investments and existing assets, assuming an 8% annual return (market is not guaranteed), your accumulated corpus at retirement (in 7-8 years) will be more than sufficient to cater your future needs.
• Passive income estimate: Combined guaranteed future annuities from HDFC Sanchay Plus and LIC Jeevan Shanti & PPF withdrawals, you can expect at least 25 lakhs p/a passive income, which cover all your monthly expenses.
• Expenses vs. income: This suggests your passive income can potentially cover your current expenses with some buffer.

Investment Recommendations:

• Review NPS contribution: Assess if contributing the maximum 36 lakhs pa in Tier 2 for 5-7 years is optimal, it's worth exploring other options, potentially offering higher returns,
• Balance equity exposure: While annuities and PPFs offer stability, consider exploring equity mutual funds or balanced funds for potential long-term growth, especially with your comfortable current income.
• Review VPF: Your wife's VPF contribution seems good; ensure the chosen scheme aligns with your risk tolerance and retirement goals.
• Contingency fund: Maintain an emergency fund (3-6 months of expenses) for unforeseen circumstances.
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6625 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 18, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 23, 2024Hindi
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Hi I am 47 years old. Married but no kids . Me and my wife combined annual income is 70 lacs . We have our own house in gurgaon whose current value is aprox 6 cr . We dont have any kind of loan on us . Currently our savings are as follows 1.65 cr invested in lic jeevan shanti and jeevan akshay from which Currently we are earning 8 lacs / year and by 2028 it will increase to 14 lacs / year till whole life . We have invested in hdfc sanchay plus also , from their we will get 16 lacs / anum starting from 2029 till next 25 years . Joint Ppf corpus is currently 80 lacs , will continue to invest 3 lacs / year for next 15 years My wifes epf vpf current corpus is aprox 20 lacs , currently she is contributing 2.5 lacs / year in that and will continue to do so till next 10 years Emergency fund of 20 lacs in form of auto sweep fd in saving account Equity investment currently Nps tier 2 ( 100 % equity - 55lacs ) Miare asset small cap etf - 5 lacs Nippon nifty bees etf - 5 lacs Planning to invest 30 lacs / year for next 5- 7 years in above equity options . Our current yearly expenses are neary 18 / 20 lacs We have medical insurance cover of 30 lacs And a term insurance of 1.5 cr and 1 cr respectively Pls suggest that are we on right track for a comfortable retirement at around 55 years Considering life expectency of 80 years and inflation. What should be our SWP and from which investments ( as mentioned above ) and how much this withdrawal can be increased per year to adjust the inflation and maintain our current lifestyle. Also i would like to know that whether shifting all the corpus from tier 2 to tier 1 at the age of 59 will be a wise decision in my case as 60 % withdrawal at age 60 from tier 1 will be tax free which can be withdrawn thru swp . Balance 40 corpus amount will generate annuity which only will be taxable.
Ans: Comprehensive Retirement Planning Assessment

Analyzing Retirement Preparedness and Strategy

Your meticulous approach towards retirement planning is evident, with a diversified portfolio and a clear vision for the future. Let's delve into each aspect to ensure a comfortable retirement at around 55 years, considering life expectancy and inflation.

Assessing Current Financial Position

Your combined annual income of 70 lakhs, along with substantial investments and assets, positions you well for retirement. The absence of loans and a sizable emergency fund further strengthens your financial resilience.

Evaluating Investment Portfolio

Your investment portfolio comprises a mix of traditional and market-linked instruments, providing a balance between stability and growth potential. Additionally, your equity investments and continued contributions to PPF demonstrate a long-term wealth accumulation strategy.

Benefits of Regular Funds Investing through MFD with CFP Credential

Investing through a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) with a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) credential offers personalized guidance and comprehensive financial planning. An MFD can assist in optimizing your investment strategy and ensuring alignment with your retirement goals.

Disadvantages of Direct Funds

Direct funds require investors to conduct their own research and make investment decisions independently, which may not be suitable for all investors. Utilizing the expertise of an MFD with a CFP credential can help navigate market complexities and optimize returns.

SWP Strategy for Retirement Income

To ensure a comfortable retirement, calculate your desired annual expenses adjusted for inflation and determine the Sustainable Withdrawal Rate (SWR) from your investment corpus. Regularly review your portfolio performance and adjust SWP amounts accordingly.

Mitigating Tax Implications on Tier 1 Withdrawals

Shifting corpus from NPS Tier 2 to Tier 1 at age 59 can be a prudent decision, considering the tax benefits associated with Tier 1 withdrawals. Withdrawals up to 60% at age 60 are tax-free, while the remaining amount can generate taxable annuities.

Planning for Future Expenses and Contingencies

Anticipate future expenses such as healthcare costs and lifestyle enhancements in retirement planning. Ensure adequate medical insurance coverage and periodically reassess your insurance needs to mitigate unforeseen risks.

Conclusion

Your comprehensive retirement planning approach, coupled with disciplined savings and investments, positions you well for a comfortable retirement at around 55 years. Continuously monitor your portfolio performance, reassess your financial goals, and seek guidance from a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) to navigate evolving financial landscapes effectively.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6625 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 07, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 24, 2024Hindi
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Money
Hi I am 47 years old. Married but no kids . Me and my wife combined annual income is 70 lacs . We have our own house in gurgaon whose current value is aprox 6 cr . We dont have any kind of loan on us . Currently our savings are as follows 1.65 cr invested in lic jeevan shanti and jeevan akshay from which Currently we are earning 8 lacs / year and by 2028 it will increase to 14 lacs / year till whole life . We have invested in hdfc sanchay plus also , from their we will get 16 lacs / anum starting from 2029 till next 25 years . Joint Ppf corpus is currently 80 lacs , will continue to invest 3 lacs / year for next 15 years My wifes epf vpf current corpus is aprox 20 lacs , currently she is contributing 2.5 lacs / year in that and will continue to do so till next 10 years Emergency fund of 20 lacs in form of auto sweep fd in saving account Equity investment currently Nps tier 2 ( 100 % equity - 55lacs ) Miare asset small cap etf - 5 lacs Nippon nifty bees etf - 5 lacs Planning to invest 30 lacs / year for next 5- 7 years in above equity options . Our current yearly expenses are neary 18 / 20 lacs We have medical insurance cover of 30 lacs And a term insurance of 1.5 cr and 1 cr respectively Pls suggest that are we on right track for a comfortable retirement at around 55 years Considering life expectency of 80 years and inflation. What should be our SWP and from which investments ( as mentioned above ) and how much this withdrawal can be increased per year to adjust the inflation and maintain our current lifestyle. Also i would like to know that whether shifting all the corpus from tier 2 to tier 1 at the age of 59 will be a wise decision in my case as 60 % withdrawal at age 60 from tier 1 will be tax free which can be withdrawn thru swp . Balance 40 corpus amount will generate annuity which only will be taxable.
Ans: It's evident that you've made significant strides towards securing a comfortable retirement, but let's delve deeper into your current financial position and future plans:
• Income and Assets: With a combined annual income of 70 lakhs and significant assets, including your house in Gurgaon and various investments, you're well-positioned for retirement.
• Investment Portfolio: Your investment portfolio appears diversified, with allocations to LIC policies, HDFC Sanchay Plus, PPF, EPF/VPF, equity investments, and plans for further equity investments.
• Retirement Planning: Based on your current savings, income, and investments, along with your planned contributions and expected returns, it seems you're on track for a comfortable retirement.
• SWP and Inflation Adjustments: To determine your SWP (Systematic Withdrawal Plan), consider factors such as your estimated lifespan, expected returns on investments, inflation rate, and desired annual income. Adjust your withdrawals annually to account for inflation and ensure your lifestyle is maintained.
• NPS Tier 2 to Tier 1 Transfer: Shifting your corpus from NPS Tier 2 to Tier 1 at age 59 could be beneficial, considering the tax benefits associated with withdrawals from Tier 1 after age 60. Assess the tax implications and consult with a financial advisor to make an informed decision.
• Insurance and Emergency Fund: Your medical insurance cover and term insurance policies provide essential protection. Ensure these coverages are periodically reviewed and adjusted as needed.
• Consult a Financial Advisor: Given the complexity of retirement planning and tax implications, consider consulting a Certified Financial Planner to optimize your retirement strategy, tax planning, and SWP calculations.
Overall, it appears that you've taken proactive steps towards a secure retirement. With careful monitoring, periodic adjustments, and professional guidance, you can continue on the path to achieving your retirement goals and maintaining your desired lifestyle.

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6625 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 26, 2024

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Hi I am 38 years old Central banker and my wife is 35 years old financial professional with combined salary of Rs 2.80 lakhs per month ( post deducting all monthly EMI’s).Our combined Investment per month is as under- -Mutual fund SIP- 1.75 lakhs ( includes retirement planning and educational planning for both the kids) -PPF 10k each for both of us -Sukanya Samruddhi Yojana -10k per month for girl child -VPF from wife’s ac- 12k -NPS from my salary 35k -Further, Life insurance Term plan of Rs 1.5 cr and 2.25 cr taken for me and my wife respectively. -1 lakh per year goes towards HDFC Samchay plan for period of 12 years and expected 2lakh per year for 14 th year to 26 years. $as on date portfolio of ours is as under:- -direct equity- around Rs. 57lakhs -Gold max 10lakh -Mutual fund corpus- 52 lakhs -2 residential flats and investment in 3 residential open plots. - 40 lakh corpus available for investing lumps in mutual fund for additional retirement planning. Funds made available by selling a Bunglow property. -monthly rental income is around 29 k. Kids aged 6 and 2 years old. Desire to retire at the age of 55 years and wife would like to retire at the age of 45 years. -Current monthly expenses is around 1 lakh per month and considering inflation 7%, post retirement per month requirement would be 4 lakhs. Please review and suggest improvement in investment strategy. Thank you very much
Ans: Current Financial Snapshot
Combined Salary: Rs. 2.80 lakhs per month (post deducting EMIs)
Mutual Fund SIPs: Rs. 1.75 lakhs per month
PPF Contributions: Rs. 10k each per month
Sukanya Samruddhi Yojana: Rs. 10k per month
VPF from Wife's Account: Rs. 12k per month
NPS Contribution: Rs. 35k per month
Life Insurance Term Plans: Rs. 1.5 cr for you and Rs. 2.25 cr for your wife
HDFC Samchay Plan: Rs. 1 lakh per year for 12 years, expected Rs. 2 lakhs per year from 14th to 26th year
Portfolio Overview
Direct Equity: Rs. 57 lakhs
Gold: Rs. 10 lakhs
Mutual Fund Corpus: Rs. 52 lakhs
Real Estate: 2 residential flats and investment in 3 residential open plots
Lump Sum for Retirement Planning: Rs. 40 lakhs
Monthly Rental Income: Rs. 29k
Financial Goals
Retirement: You at 55 years, wife at 45 years
Current Monthly Expenses: Rs. 1 lakh
Post-Retirement Monthly Requirement: Rs. 4 lakhs (considering 7% inflation)
Children's Education and Future Planning: Ongoing investments in PPF and Sukanya Samruddhi Yojana
Analysis and Recommendations
Investment Strategy Review
Diversification: Your portfolio is well-diversified with investments in equities, mutual funds, gold, and real estate. This diversification helps in risk management.

Mutual Fund Investments: Continue with SIPs for long-term growth. Focus on actively managed funds rather than index funds for better potential returns.

Direct Equity: Rs. 57 lakhs in direct equity is significant. Ensure it's diversified across sectors to minimize risk.

Gold: Rs. 10 lakhs in gold adds stability to your portfolio. Consider holding it as a long-term investment.

Lump Sum Investment
Additional Retirement Planning: Invest the Rs. 40 lakhs lump sum in a mix of debt and equity mutual funds. This helps in balancing risk and ensuring steady growth.
Debt Management
Home and Car Loans: Ensure EMIs are manageable within your current income. Focus on pre-paying high-interest loans if possible.
Children's Future Planning
Education Planning: Continue investments in Sukanya Samruddhi Yojana and PPF. These provide stable returns and tax benefits.
Retirement Planning
NPS and VPF: Your contributions to NPS and VPF are excellent for retirement planning. They offer tax benefits and steady returns.

Projected Expenses: With a post-retirement monthly requirement of Rs. 4 lakhs, ensure your corpus is sufficient to generate this income.

Life Insurance
Term Plans: Your term plans are adequate. Ensure they are reviewed periodically to match your needs.
Emergency Fund
Liquidity: Maintain an emergency fund of at least 6-12 months of expenses in liquid assets like savings accounts or liquid mutual funds.
Review and Rebalance
Periodic Review: Review your portfolio every 6-12 months. Rebalance if needed to align with your financial goals and risk tolerance.
Final Insights
Your current investment strategy is robust and well-diversified. By continuing your disciplined approach and making periodic adjustments, you can achieve your financial goals, including early retirement and securing your children's future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |360 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 15, 2024

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Hi, I am not yet mairred. I used to like a man and after a month we decided to get married. He was of my caste so I thought my parents won't deny this mairrage. I used to talk to and wanted to let him know everything about my past so that we can built a strong root of our relationship. I spoke every detail of my past life to him. Then before he proposed me for mairrage I went for a vacation with my male friend to dehradun. I didn't tell him that day as he didn't proposed me till that day then why would I tell everything about me to anyone. He was noone to me at that time. After that he came to visit me in Delhi and on the same when he was on train a friend of mine along with his fiance came to meet me after a very long time. I asked him and he didn't denied. After returning home he blocked me. I cried and cried, called multiple times but he didn't received my call. Even I went to his location and waited for almost 3 hr but he didn't came. Then I asked my sister to call him. Then he talked to me but he said me so much of harsh and vulgar words that I went in shock. I cried a lot but he went on humiliating me. But somehow I convinced him to stay with me. I never talked to that friend ever. Then I told my parents about him that I want to get married with this men. Being a girl's father my father enquired about him by being annonymous. And trust me noone has said anything good about him. Later on we get to know that his father has a murder case on him of his brother in law. But then I wanted to get married. Finally my parents agreed only for my happines. Meanwhile I was never being respected by him. He always doubt me, humiliate me, abuse me mentally and physically, and when I was like I don't want to be with you he used to say sorry and begged me to be with him. He even used to restrict to visit my uncle aunty. His mother wants used to defend him and never used to make him realise that he was wrong. Then before engagement we went to Kolkata to buy dress. Yes one more thing I have informed him on the very first day that I used to drink and smoke occassionally. So whenever he used to visit me he always wanted to drink with me whether I want it or not. He always used to abuse me and humiliate me in front of everyone after drinking, so after a period of time I used to avoid drinking. Then he used to fight with me for that also that why will you not drink. In kolkata the same thing happen. We stayed there for 3 days and he was convincing to go to club from the very first day but I refused. On 3rd he hit me. After engagement his family asked for dowry. After a lot of dealing my parents agreed for an amount. But I felt betrayed. I stopped talking. After after when I initiated the conversation he picked up a fight and said he won't marry. I tried to convince. But when everyone was blaming me then I broke my silence and said everything about him to my parent. But he manipulated everything and made me villain. My parents want me to get married What should I do
Ans: Dear Akriti,
After reading your question I can only give you one advice, please do not marry him no matter what people say. Even if we overlook every other red flag that he has exhibited, abuse of any form is unacceptable. Why are you trying to convince your parents to marry a guy who hits you? Do you think you deserve it or anyone, for that matter, deserves that?

Now, no matter who tries to manipulate you, or however much they try to convince you, get out of the relationship for the love and self-respect you have for yourself. It is a big decision but in your case, it is worth making that big decision. I'd normally never tell people they should this or they shouldn't do that, but in your case, no sane person would ever suggest you marry this man and be subjected to abuse for the rest of your life.
Please make the right choice.

Best Wishes

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |360 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 06, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I am dating a person for 5years when we are doing internship. He is always there whenever I need any support and help in my bad time. He will protect me and loves me a lot. It is my first dating experience initially when we start dating we have intense attachment but I thought we would not be remain together for much longer time. I was always interested in good looking handsome man he is not that fair and handsome. Also he is from different caste and region(he is Bihari and I am from Uttarakhand) and in his family he has mom and sister(they are finding a match for her).I don’t know if I should marry him or not. Because I am not comfortable with his family(his mother is somewhat very concerned about his son not captured by any girl). So I think it will be a struggle for him to convince her. But my question is it is worth to go for love marriage if the boy loves you a lot but still I think there is gap with the criteria of being handsome which I dream as a young girl story even our bonds are getting stronger Please suggest what to do.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Appearance does not last a lifetime. Are you sure it is that important for you? After all, you fell in love with a man whose appearance isn't his best quality. Makes me wonder if you are just giving into the societal construct of wanting to marry for good looks.

Next, if you are concerned about your future in his house, it is best not to rush anything in terms of getting married. Think about it; have a clear discussion with him about the kind of future he can offer you. Love isn't the only thread that holds onto a relationship.

I cannot tell you if you should pursue this relationship, but I can tell you that you shouldn't break up with someone because they are not fair or handsome by your standards.

Best Wishes.

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |360 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 06, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi, I’m a 26 yr old woman, was in a relationship with my classmate from school a year ago. We dated for a few months and then talked to my parents about us as they had started looking for matches for me in arranged marriage . Once I told them about us they got very emotional and didn’t agree for our marriage as we are from different caste. So we decided to breakup and just stay as friends but we are not able to move on from each other ..it’s been 6 months now, my parents have started looking for alliances for me again now but I’m not getting any interest in these because I’m not able to forget him. But I’m also scared to take a strong decision to hurt my parents and get married to him because I’m a very sensitive person and sometimes he behaves manipulative with some people and I’m scared he’ll do that with me also if any fights happen with him or his family. But I’m not able to forget him. Please tell me what to do as I have lost peace and crying every night.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Sounds like you are torn between your feelings for him and love and respect for your parents. Firstly, acknowledge that you are allowed to feel confused. Next, understand that you deserve a relationship where you feel happy and safe. Will this relationship give you that? Take some time to evaluate whether staying with him will align with your goal of long-term happiness. You have mentioned manipulation; consider that too when gauging the potential of this relationship.

Coming to your parents, you can try gently communicating your unwillingness to get married to someone else right now. That does not automatically translate to your desire to marry this guy. It can also mean that you need some time to figure things out. Ultimately, you need to make a decision that makes you happy- whether it means working things out with him or taking a separate path. I am sure you will make the right choice.

Best Wishes.

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1201 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 07, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Mam i am a 52 year ols women i have never had a secure relationship only who wanted to have s.Marriage in proposals too dint work for me. At late 40 age i met a guy it was all good till start 1 year but since 3 years we just fight my fault to as i have no family no friends and all i have to look after 2 aged parents and i am deep involved my life is just that. This relationship is good to talk on phone as all i do is talk my problems 24 by 7 365 days which i understands upsets him. But i see no effort too from him for meeting planning dates and if i do i pay for it all he never pays . I lost interest felt disappointed after going on saying he never tries to make plans talk future his family finance. I am not sure what i should do stay or live my life alone which i was always doing.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Start fresh and if you had a clean slate, what would you want to draw on it?
All your miseries or what you actually want from life?
When you meet someone new and you dump your set of issues on them, how exactly do you think they are going to be interested in taking you out on a date?
Your prospective life partner is not a dumping yard for your life's problems BUT a person that is going to marry you and support you and who you can trust. And will you start this relationship by actually talking only about your problems? Honestly, you need to ask yourself if you will be interested in a guy who keeps ranting about all things going wrong...
Establish a connection by being on a positive ground and showing the other person that you care and also are interested in knowing about them. This interest will let them lower their guard down and actually connect with you at an emotional level and then you can pursue this as a potential life partner association...somewhere down the line, they will be genuinely interested in being a part of your challenges and that's when you make them your strength to solve these challenges. Am I making sense to you?
Do you see how you have been sabotaging your own future? Dust yourself, become genuinely interested in people not to dump your problems on them but to make a genuine connection and watch how things change for you. Prioritize your life not your problems!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1201 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 15, 2024

Relationship
Hi, I am a 36yo guy. Married and have 2 beautiful kids. I am a naturally happy person in life and have achieved reasonable success through my hard work. From last 3 years i am in love with a married girl who works at an office near my workplace. We two believe that we are best suited for each other in every aspect i.e. mental, emotional and physical. We share a great chemistry that we never felt with our respective spouses. We decided that we both cant leave our spouses because of our kids. But very often she keeps on getting crazy and tortures and taunts me that i love my wife more and doesnt give value to her. She is mostly unhappy about this in her life and many times abuses me when she sees that i am a naturally happy and content person. I have even told her that if she wants we can take divorce from our spouses and move-in together. But she never accepts that also and keeps on making my life hard. But i do believe that we both love each other like crazy and my sexual life with her is just out of this world. I have a very high libido and she satisfies me like no other girl. My question is how can i make her sane and make her trust me that i am more inclined towards her?
Ans: Dear Avinash,
I am sure by now you realize that having parallel lives is not easy. Maybe you are at that stage where a decision must be made...
You owe at least that much to your respective spouses who have nothing to do this life of yours...

The lady in question wants the cake and wants to eat it too...obviously she needs to see that if she wants her marriage, then you are going to keep your marriage as well and with that all the insecurities that arise must also be accepted as this is something that the two of you got into willingly...did she not know that a relationship outside of marriage comes with its set of challenges like insecurities, doubts, fears, instability and more? I guess it's not about you making her sane and trust you BUT for the two fo you to come to some sort of a decision on where all this is leading?

Again, I say this...leading two lives in parallel ain't easy; especially on an emotional level!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1201 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 01, 2024
Relationship
Hi Anu, I have been reading since long the advices you give to others expecting that there can be an identical issue which i am suffering, i am 48yrs and my wife 42yrs married for 22yrs & having grown up children, over period of time my wife has become more dominating expecting me to listen and follow everything what she says, everything was going fine for until last six years when she was following me as a dutiful wife, since last 6-7yrs she is disinterested in sex also, i sit and speak with her trying to address all the issues, but things get back to ZERO within days, she has turned very short tempered and egoistic, shouting and using foul language in rage at times, we both are highly educated and give lectures at college with limited reasonable income, the problem is she compares her life to others and disturbs our life, ours is a marriage against parents so both the side relatives are little indifferent and we are not extroverts or that persons who are outgoing to change all that, we just lead our life within ourselves and try to help the relatives whenever they come to us. My question is that is it not cruel for a wife to deprive the husband of sex and develop unreasonable expectations comparing the lifestyles of others. when at peace my wife suggests that i can look outside for sex and she is ok with it but i don't believe in it and in her words, at times in rage she keeps asking for divorce uttering foul language, i keep reminding her that emotions, anger and rage shall only aggravate the issues we should know what we actually want and seek it speaking to each other, i feel that my wife doesn't know what she wants from herself or from me or from life, Anu, Is this all that pre-menopause frustrations which is building up or is it some mental issues which are surfacing due to negligence from me or our relatives? Please suggest? Thank you
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Let's understand it in 3 ways..

1) Whether your wife is in pre-menopause or perimenopause or menopause stage can be determined only by a doctor. A lot of material floats on the internet convincing people of one over the other BUT it's important to get it validated by a doctor that will help your wife understand what is going on with her body and how it impacts her mind...

2) It is also possible that the current sex routine maybe boring to her and infusing it with some spice can get things going? So, think out of the box here...

3) Also, you might want to think if the emotional bond between the two of you has broken down; women respond to sex easier when they feel emotionally connected and safe with their man...

What will be useful in your situation is: to reconnect with her and aim to connect with her emotionally. This will help her in conveying to you what might be the problem and then it gets easier to solve it or take necessary steps...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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A 6 digit code has been sent to Mobile

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