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Stuck in my 40s: 3 Lakh Monthly Income, 1 Crore Corpus & Want 10 Crore Retirement - How?

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |665 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Oct 15, 2024

Milind Vadjikar is an independent MF distributor registered with Association of Mutual Funds in India (AMFI) and a retirement financial planning advisor registered with Pension Fund Regulatory and Development Authority (PFRDA).
He has a mechanical engineering degree from Government Engineering College, Sambhajinagar, and an MBA in international business from the Symbiosis Institute of Business Management, Pune.
With over 16 years of experience in stock investments, and over six year experience in investment guidance and support, he believes that balanced asset allocation and goal-focused disciplined investing is the key to achieving investor goals.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Oct 12, 2024Hindi
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HI, I am 40 years only and my monthly income is 3 lacs. I have a corpus of 1 cr. Of mutual funds. I have been investing from last 7 yrs. Now I have reached to a monthly SIP of 2 lacs. I want to retire in the age of 60 please advise how can I build a corpus of 10 cr in 10 yrs. Also, recently I have purchased a house of 1.3 Cr and paid 30% from my saving. I will have emi's starting in next 3 years at the time of possession. Should I take home loan then or should I put more money from my then corpus to reduce the total emi. Kindly advise.

Ans: Hello;

It makes prudent practical sense to utilise your corpus to reduce the loan EMI as much as possible.

You should work to maximise your gains not that of the lending agency.

If you continue your monthly sip of 2 L for the next 15 years, you may achieve a corpus of 10 Cr assuming modest return of 12%.

If you are keen to achieve 10 Cr target in 10 years then you must top-up the monthly sip amount(2L) by 20% each year upto 10 years after which you may accumulate corpus of 10 Cr+.

Happy Investing!!

You may follow us on X at @mars_invest for updates.

*Investments in mutual funds are subject to market risks. Please read all scheme related documents carefully before investing.
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7072 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 27, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 26, 2024Hindi
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Hi, we are a couple with monthly income of 7.5L per month (after tax & PF, NPS savings). Have around 50L in FDs, 1Cr in PF, 22L in NPS and 20L in stocks/Mutual Funds. Our expenses are around 2L pm and have a Home loan of 50L. We own 2 flats & land having value of around 11.5 Cr. Need to create a corpus of 10 Cr within next 10 year to retire. Can invest around 3L every month & can increase it by 8~10% every year. Our age is 45 & 42 years. Please advise how we can we achieve this.
Ans: Evaluating Your Financial Situation
You and your spouse have a combined monthly income of Rs 7.5 lakhs after tax and savings in PF and NPS. You have an existing portfolio consisting of:

Fixed Deposits (FDs): Rs 50 lakhs
Provident Fund (PF): Rs 1 crore
National Pension System (NPS): Rs 22 lakhs
Stocks/Mutual Funds: Rs 20 lakhs
Home loan outstanding: Rs 50 lakhs
Real estate assets (2 flats and land): Rs 11.5 crores
Your monthly expenses are around Rs 2 lakhs, and you aim to create a corpus of Rs 10 crores within the next 10 years. You can invest Rs 3 lakhs per month, increasing this by 8-10% annually. Let's explore a strategy to achieve this goal.

Setting a Retirement Corpus Target
To reach your goal of Rs 10 crores in 10 years, a systematic and disciplined investment approach is necessary. Considering your high monthly savings potential, diversification and growth-oriented investments will be key.

Monthly Investment Strategy
Start with Equity Mutual Funds
Equity Mutual Funds: Allocate a significant portion to equity mutual funds. These funds typically offer higher returns compared to other asset classes over the long term.

Balanced Advantage Funds: Consider these for a balance between equity and debt, reducing risk while still offering growth.

Debt Instruments for Stability
Debt Mutual Funds: These provide stability and lower risk compared to equity funds, suitable for part of your portfolio.

Public Provident Fund (PPF): PPF offers tax benefits and assured returns, providing a stable component to your portfolio.

Increasing SIP Contributions
Given your ability to increase investments by 8-10% annually, start with an SIP of Rs 3 lakhs per month. Increase your SIPs annually to keep pace with your income growth and inflation.

Portfolio Diversification
Diversify Across Asset Classes
Large Cap Funds: These funds are less volatile and provide stable returns over the long term.

Mid Cap and Small Cap Funds: Allocate a portion to these funds for higher growth potential, though they carry more risk.

Sector-Specific Funds: Consider investing in specific sectors like technology or healthcare, which have high growth potential.

Review and Adjust Regularly
Monitor Performance
Regular Reviews: Review your portfolio every six months to ensure it aligns with your goals.

Rebalance Portfolio: Adjust your investments based on performance and market conditions to stay on track.

Avoid Index Funds
Disadvantages of Index Funds
Limited Returns: Index funds only match market returns and do not aim to outperform.

Lack of Flexibility: They cannot react quickly to market changes, potentially missing out on higher returns.

Actively Managed Funds Advantage
Professional Management: These funds benefit from the expertise of fund managers who make informed decisions.

Higher Returns: Actively managed funds aim to outperform the market, providing better growth potential.

Direct Funds vs Regular Funds
Disadvantages of Direct Funds
Lack of Guidance: Direct funds do not offer professional guidance, which can be crucial for optimal investment decisions.

Time-Consuming: Managing direct investments can be time-consuming and complex without expert help.

Benefits of Regular Funds via MFD with CFP Credential
Expert Advice: Regular funds provide access to certified financial planners who can offer tailored advice.

Comprehensive Planning: Investing through a CFP ensures a holistic approach to financial planning.

Better Performance: Professional management often results in better performance compared to self-managed direct funds.

Education Planning for Children
Education Savings Plans
Dedicated Education Funds: Invest in plans specifically designed for education to build a sufficient corpus for your children’s higher education.

Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana: If you have daughters, this scheme offers attractive interest rates and tax benefits.

Balancing Current and Future Needs
Emergency Fund: Maintain an emergency fund equal to 6-12 months of expenses for unforeseen events.

Debt Management: Continue servicing your home loan, ensuring it doesn’t burden your future finances.

Achieving Your Corpus Goal
Target Corpus Calculation
Assuming an average annual return of 12%, your monthly investments need to grow consistently. Start with Rs 3 lakhs per month and increase it by 8-10% yearly. This disciplined approach will help you reach your goal of Rs 10 crores.

Importance of Professional Guidance
Certified Financial Planner: Regular consultations with a CFP will ensure you stay on track and make necessary adjustments.

Tailored Advice: A CFP can provide tailored advice based on your specific financial situation and goals.

Final Thoughts
Your current financial health is strong, and your disciplined savings approach will help you achieve your retirement goal. Regular investments, portfolio diversification, and professional guidance are key to your success.

Staying on Course
Regular Reviews: Stay informed about your investments and review them periodically.

Flexibility: Be ready to adjust your strategy based on market conditions and personal circumstances.

Discipline: Maintain a disciplined approach to savings and investments.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7072 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 11, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 10, 2024Hindi
Money
HI, I am 35 years only and my monthly income is 3 lacs. I have a corpus of 1 cr. Of mutual funds. I have been investing from last 7 yrs. Now I have reached to a monthly SIP of 2 lacs. I want to retire in the age of 45, and my monthly expense is about 1 lac. Please advise can build a corpus of 10 cr in 10 yrs and how can I build that. Also, recently I have purchased a house of 1.3 Cr and paid 30% from my saving. I will have emi's starting in next 3 years. Should I take loan or should I put more money from my corpus to reduce the total emi. Please advise.
Ans: You have made commendable progress in your financial journey. Achieving a corpus of Rs 10 crore in 10 years is ambitious yet achievable with a disciplined approach.

Let’s break down your goals and create a detailed plan.

Assessment of Your Current Financial Situation
You have been investing diligently for the past 7 years and have already built a significant corpus of Rs 1 crore in mutual funds.

Your monthly income of Rs 3 lakh with a monthly expense of Rs 1 lakh indicates that you have a healthy surplus for investments.

Currently, you have a substantial SIP of Rs 2 lakh per month. This shows a strong commitment to growing your wealth.

You have recently purchased a house worth Rs 1.3 crore, paying 30% upfront. The EMI for the remaining amount will start in 3 years.

This background will guide our strategy to reach your target.

Strategic Investment Plan for Rs 10 Crore Goal
1. Leverage Your Current SIP Investments
Increasing your monthly SIP to Rs 2 lakh is a great step. Continue to channel this amount into a mix of actively managed equity mutual funds.

Actively managed funds tend to outperform index funds over the long term due to the expertise of fund managers. This can help generate higher returns compared to passively managed funds.

Avoid investing in index funds. They might seem low-cost, but they miss out on potential alpha generation. Actively managed funds provide better returns, especially during market downturns when fund managers can adjust strategies.

Invest in regular plans through a certified mutual fund distributor (MFD). This will give you access to expert guidance and ongoing support, which is critical for optimizing your portfolio.

You should diversify across different categories, such as large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds. This strategy reduces risk and provides a balanced growth opportunity.

2. Consider Equity-Linked Savings Schemes (ELSS)
If you have not fully utilized your tax-saving options under Section 80C, consider investing in ELSS.

These funds have a lock-in period of 3 years, offering both tax benefits and potential long-term growth.

However, avoid investing in direct funds. Regular plans through MFDs will help you navigate market volatility better and keep you aligned with your financial goals.

Optimizing Your Real Estate Loan Strategy
Now, let's address your query regarding your new home purchase:

You paid 30% upfront, which is a good strategy. The remaining 70% will be funded through a loan with EMIs starting in 3 years.

It is usually beneficial to take a home loan, especially with the tax deductions on principal repayment (Section 80C) and interest payments (Section 24).

However, with your current savings and surplus, you can consider partially prepaying the loan. This will reduce the overall interest burden without affecting your liquidity significantly.

Avoid using a significant portion of your mutual fund corpus for prepayment. This corpus is vital for your retirement goal. Instead, prepay the loan gradually using your surplus income.

Tax Implications of Mutual Fund Investments
Understanding the new tax rules is crucial:

For equity mutual funds, long-term capital gains (LTCG) above Rs 1.25 lakh are now taxed at 12.5%.

Short-term capital gains (STCG) are taxed at 20%.

For debt mutual funds, both LTCG and STCG will be taxed according to your income tax slab rate. This is higher than the previous LTCG rate of 20% with indexation benefits.

To maximize your returns, consider holding your equity mutual funds for the long term to benefit from lower LTCG taxes.

If you need to rebalance your portfolio, plan your redemptions carefully to minimize tax liabilities.

Prioritizing Your Financial Goals
You aim to retire at 45 with a passive income of Rs 1 lakh per month. Let's map out how you can align your investments to achieve this.

1. Focus on Equity for Wealth Accumulation
Equity mutual funds should continue to be your primary investment vehicle. Given your 10-year horizon, equity has the potential to provide higher returns compared to debt instruments.

To reach your Rs 10 crore goal, you may need to increase your SIP amount gradually as your income grows.

2. Emergency Fund and Liquidity
Ensure that you have an emergency fund equivalent to 12-18 months of expenses in a safe, liquid instrument like a bank fixed deposit or a liquid mutual fund. This will protect your investments from being disrupted in case of any unexpected expenses.

Avoid using your emergency fund for loan prepayment or large investments. It should remain accessible at all times.

Insurance Coverage and Risk Management
Since you have a home loan, it is crucial to ensure you have adequate life insurance coverage. This will protect your family from financial liabilities if something were to happen to you.

Consider increasing your term insurance to cover the outstanding home loan amount and provide for your family’s future needs.

Review your health insurance coverage as well. Given the rising healthcare costs, ensure that your family is adequately covered.

Debt vs. Equity Balance for Your Retirement Plan
As you approach your retirement age of 45, it is essential to gradually reduce exposure to equity and shift towards safer debt instruments.

At the age of 45, consider reallocating a portion of your portfolio into debt mutual funds, which offer stability. This will help generate a steady monthly income while preserving your capital.

However, do not fully exit equity. A small portion should remain invested to combat inflation and sustain your wealth over a longer retirement period.

Achieving Financial Independence by Age 45
By following the plan outlined above, you can achieve your goal of building a corpus of Rs 10 crore and retire comfortably at 45.

Continue your disciplined SIP investments, optimize tax benefits, and manage your loan efficiently.

Make periodic assessments of your portfolio to ensure it aligns with your risk tolerance and financial goals.

It’s advisable to consult a certified financial planner annually. This ensures that your investment strategy remains on track, and any necessary adjustments can be made.

Final Insights
You have made significant strides toward financial independence. Keep up the disciplined approach.

A well-diversified portfolio, optimized tax strategy, and careful debt management will help you reach your target corpus of Rs 10 crore.

Retirement at 45 with a stable passive income is a realistic goal if you stick to the plan outlined here.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

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Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 15, 2024Hindi
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I am a 25 year old girl. I have good job and happy career wise. I am in a relationship with a boy who is very career oriented, and runs from the marriage topic also. My parents are now behind to me to get married. I am also interested in getting married and settle in my. When I told my boyfriend about this. He gets furious. He don’t want to communicate with me on this. He don’t give any attention to my problem. He says if you really love me then you will love and you will do whatever needed to be done. Now everything is on me.I am very confused what to do. I can’t tell my parents about him, as he is not ready. I also have a fear, that this boy is not going to marry me, so am I leaving good boys which my parents are showing me. Am I already late...what if I don’t get anyone, will I have to compromise in my life If I will delay. Please help!!
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Let me start with the most important thing- you are far from late. You are only 25; I would say this is your time to focus on your career and live a little. But if you are ready for marriage, then that is great too. But do not ever think that it's too late. It isn't even a little late. If anything, in today's day and age, it's early.

Now coming to your boyfriend- have you ever asked him if he has any plans to get married or if he intends to continue this relationship without ever committing to marriage? It's important that you discuss this. And his dialogue, "if you really love me then you will love and you will do whatever needed to be done" doesn't make any sense because you can tell him the same. I suggest you speak to him openly and let him know that you want to get married- if not right now, but somewhere down the line you want marriage. If his intentions are not the same, he should let you know so that you can move on and find someone who shares the same outlook as you. And, to be honest, not paying attention to your problems is concerning. In a relationship, two people should help each other out in times of trouble.

Please have the talk and reconsider the relationship according to how it goes.

Best Wishes.

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Asked by Anonymous - Nov 21, 2024Hindi
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I (27M) have recently started searching for prospects through Arranged Marriage Platforms. I got connected with a Lady (25F) & we seemed to be getting along quite well, through chatting & phone calls. When we were planning to meet in person, for our first Date, she picked a place which is one of the most expensive ones in our City & just a single Date over there may cost us around ?10 Thousand. Though, I am earning pretty well (?30Lakh/Annum), I am reluctant to spend so much amount on our First Date, whilst we are still in the process of getting to know each other. If I'd been Married to her, I'd be willing to spend that much for celebrating our Wedding Anniversary. But this is just our First Date & I am not even sure whether we'd be getting Married or not. The Date is scheduled for next Month & I'm still in Dilemma, whether I should request her to meet up at a more affordable venue or ask her to split the expenses, equally or proportionate to our Earning (She earns just around ?6 Lakh/Annum). I'm afraid that being so Straight-forward & upfront about Money Matters, at this stage, might give her a negative impression about me. She seems to be having a lot of Materialistic Expectations from me, as I earn much more than her & she has been hinting me about her expectations such as Expensive Gifts & Vacations abroad. Even though I am a person who's very cautious & disciplined with Money, I'd be glad to spend generously, for the happiness of my Life Partner, but not at this stage, when we haven't even committed to each other. Please suggest me, how can I handle this situation without coming off as too miserly? Moreover, I'm also planning to discuss some important matters, such as how we'd be handling our Finances in the Future. But I am worried, whether it would be appropriate to bring up this matter, in our very first personal meet-up? I'm afraid that she might Judge me as too Money-minded & I might lose out on a suitable match. Please Help me.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your concerns are completely valid. Splurging, especially at this stage, is unnecessary. Good connections can be built anywhere; expensive places play no part in it. Also, being disciplined about money is the right approach.

I understand that you are worried about coming off miserly, but you are not. You are merely being responsible. You can suggest another more affordable place and see how she reacts. If she is okay with it, then great. If not, then you should rethink this match. You don't want to marry someone who is in it for the money. Now, coming to discussing how to split the finances, I would suggest you wait a bit. A first date might not be the right place for it. If all goes well, and you think this woman can be a suitable match, bring it up politely on the second or third date, to have clarity on it early on. For instance, you can casually start by giving an example of a friend who recently got married- something like, "Rohan's wife takes care of the groceries and stuff, while he pays off the bill." And then mention that you were wondering how you two should split it if you happen to get married. It is a reasonable question and should not show you off as money-minded. It's always best to discuss these important matters in the initial stages to avoid any conflict in the future.

Hope this helps!

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Asked by Anonymous - Nov 20, 2024Hindi
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Ravi Mittal  |428 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 20, 2024
Relationship
Hello, I am married for 4 years. And someone from my office loves me. He wants me to love him also even if I am married. That office colleague take too much efforts for me, he listens everything about me, he cares about me. But my husband only focused on his work. So I want love, that boy is the best for the love. But loving another man even if you have husband is cheating. I don't know but I feel that I want both of them and I am confused about it. I also love that man from my office. I am so much confused.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand that you are feeling undervalued by your husband but the "I want both of them" approach has never worked out well for anyone, especially in an exclusive relationship. You have a few options here-
You speak to your husband about how the lack of attention from him is affecting you and work on it with him.
Tell him openly about this man and let him know that there's a slight chance that you might develop feelings for him if your husband continues to pay all his focus on work and none on you. This could shake him up from his slumber and help him realize that he has not been fair to you.
Opt for separation- if you do not have an open marriage, you cannot have both of the men. It isn't moral to do this behind your partner's back.

I strongly suggest you consider doing the first option. Communicate your feelings of loneliness to your husband and seek help from a marriage counselor. It can do wonders for your relationship.

Best Wishes.

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Hello Dr.Shakeeb, I’m a 55 yrs male, had stents implanted in 2020 because of bad food habits and lack of regular movement, things have improved since then with better control on food habits. My problem is belly fat which is embarrassing and my weight is 77kgs, I was on knee braces for last 30 days bcoz of a slight ligament strain, so not able to do strenuous exercises. Pls suggest a workable regime for belly fat elimination considering my case history.
Ans: Hello Sir. Thank you for your query. Reducing belly fat requires a combination of calorie control, low-impact exercises, and lifestyle changes, tailored to your health history. Start by maintaining a slight calorie deficit of 200-300 kcal/day, focusing on a balanced diet rich in lean proteins, complex carbs, and healthy fats while avoiding sugary and processed foods. Drink 2-3 liters of water daily to stay hydrated. Engage in low-impact activities like brisk walking for 30-40 minutes daily, which is gentle on the knees and heart-friendly. Incorporate simple core-strengthening exercises such as pelvic tilts, seated knee lifts, and standing side bends to activate abdominal muscles without straining your knees. As your ligament strain heals, consult Physiotherapist about gradually increasing exercise intensity, including light resistance training. Prioritize 7-8 hours of quality sleep and manage stress through mindfulness to lower cortisol levels, which can contribute to belly fat. Small, frequent meals can keep your metabolism active, and tracking progress through waist measurements rather than just weight will help you stay motivated. These adjustments will promote gradual, sustainable fat loss while ensuring safety and heart health. I wish you healthy and active lifestyle.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1318 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

Relationship
Dear Anu Krishna, I'm 48 married with 2 kids daughter in 10th and son in 5th. Wife works as a VP in a large firm. Since post COVID there has been almost no intimacy. I tried to talk to her and she says that I'm a sex maniac. I said once in six months at least she says not interested. She s fit in good health exercises and all tests are ok. Last year my friend's wife informed me about their private WhatsApp messages and I was shocked. We go on tours and trips and functions and everything externally is normal. I buy her gifts and we go out to restaurants etc. Everything except intimacy. I've tried to talk about 50 times but she doesn't want to talk not seek any help. Infact the signs of this started from 2016. She's 43 now. I m thinking of now seperating from her. Im really fed up. Nothing is working, and she's adamant. I've pulled on for kids but maybe I can be together for a few more years. I can't live with her forever. You generally ask people to get help and talk etc which is done and tried and yet no solution. Can you agree for once that there is a genuine case to not continue It's my life I know but I think I'm 100% right and that i have hit the end of the road. Inhold you in high regard hence writing to you Sameer
Ans: Dear Sachin,
Thank you for your kind and respectful acknowledgement of me.
Now,
You wrote:
Last year my friend's wife informed me about their private WhatsApp messages and I was shocked. - What was shocking? You have not shared this!

Lack of interest in sex can be due to:
- change in hormones
- boredom in the bedroom routine
- lack of intimacy outside the bedroom

Now, what I must agree on is something that we can keep aside, yeah? My job is to try and guide people to put things together of course, if that's what they want. You seem to have already believed that nothing can work; how can anyone guide you? When you claim that you nothing is working, I will still ask you, "How do you know that you have tried everything to know that nothing is working?"

Also, if you have decided to separate, what more can I suggest? You feel that you are 100% right, BUT you know what: If you actually were 100% right, you would not be here checking in with me...Just playing the mirror here for you.
I still would suggest that you work on your marriage; communicate and rebuild...it's a long path BUT the fruits of it can be amazing!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1318 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 18, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi , I am married 2.5 years ago to a man , who is very less in education compared to me , this marriage was done as a compromise or in worries about my future as my parents are no more .. He and his family is average in all case ..cleanliness, hygeiene , social relations, religious practices , education , self respect , financial well being ... all these things are either meaningless for them or they vary poor in those . Nor even they have moral values , as they have cheated me by hiding my husband's age to me . I told them that we strongly believe in astrology and will not go without it . Still they gave me wrong information about his age and he is very elder to me .As I am well educated , employed and self dependant. So they somehow trapped me for marriage. After 3-4 months of marriage my husband was diagnosed (a type of oral cancer) caused due to consuming gutkha and ciggarettes. He lied and denied to have any disease still i started his medication . In some time I lost my job also still continued his treatment , tried to help him in his business , it made a big impact on my sqving too :( But because of his careless business practice , it didnt work for him. Also I paid many times his car's EMI . And supported in all types of expenses be it house hold , his medication or business . He has parental properties in village but they are hardly using it for their own use and wanted to use my money till now . As I now denied to give more money , now they have started looking to sell or rent / lease their property for their use . I have spent lot of money on them , I hardly believe they will try to pay it out fully to me or give some part of property for my safe future now :( I am now 43 and have no children . At other hand my brother is also alone( even being his wife and 2 sons) Wife is quarrelsome and has a history of false case of dowry on my brother and due to this my brother and my family sufferered a lot , its been 20 years now . But this has tortured my brother me and my mother a lot in past .Sis-in-law never let my nephews to stay or sit for some time with us (me or my mother ). And now as my both nephews have grown up my sis-in-law told them lie as if she was victim and , we were the culprit . Children were innocent , they didnt knew the fact , hence taking mother's side now. I thought that as my sis-in-law doesn't like us so unwillingly I decided to marry with a compromise , thinking that after my marriage all will be fine in brother's home , But nothing improved. And now my brother , after my marriage is emotionally alone at home , I feel very sorry about this . I want to go back and take care of my brother , as now he is 53 and emotionally very weak , diabetic and suffering other disease too . Sis-in-law is least interested in his health , care .. so as her children. Going back to parental (it is my father's home, so i also have legal right on that property )home and leaving husband is not so easy, .. Elder Nephew and sis-in-law can become very violent as they are always . I dont want to endanger my brother's health and if I dont go then also .. brother is taking care of him alone ..that too very casually ..how can i make all things correct . Please suggest .
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Hello! Excuse me...
Take care of yourself first before trying to save someone else.
Your brother is a grown man and knows what is to be done. Allow him to process his life's situations. By stepping into it especially in your state of mind will make things worse. Also, if you want guidance on this, kindly post another question else it will get confusing for all of us here.

First think of what you must do to make things better for yourself. Ask yourself whether you are interested in continuing the marriage. A lot of your time, money and energy has been invested in it and based on a lie. You have no clue what else they have lied about...do you want a marriage that is standing on a bed of lies? is it possible for you to trust your husband and his family all over again? What can they do so that you place trust in them again?

If this is not possible, the you are in a place where you need to make decisions about your marriage and your life in general.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1318 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

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Hi Anu, Im 27yrs old. I have been married for 1.5 yrs. Me and my husband live abroad. I grew up abroad for a great deal of my life and all members of my family are post graduate degree holders from renowned universities. Recently my mother-in-law came to visit us, she is staying for 6 months. My husband prior to marriage said that his mother is educated when I asked him. Post marriage I found out she studied only till 10th and married my father-in-law who is deceased. Since her arrival, my mother-in-law’s behaviour has been very weird. 1. She once told me that in their caste Kshatriyas ( we had an inter-caste marriage) its very common for the men to have 2 wives and mistresses. This was said totally out if context. Couple of days later she mentioned that her husband had a mistress. 2. She asks me questions about why things are the way they are and why are they like that. I find it very difficult to answer to her questions at the same time I don’t want to sound condescending. 3. She complained to my mother that my husband and I are using up too much ghee and oil. She blames that I made her son fat. My husband likes to have everything deep fried when I don’t do as he asks he throws a fit like a child and refuses to eat. Now I realised why, she deep fries almost everything, bhindi, potato, gobi, arvi, and even brinjal. 4. She also mentions that some relative of their was going to give then 2kg gold dowry to marry her son. I asked her why didn’t she accept it then. They she covered up saying that our engagement was already done by then. Again recently, she was talking to her sister on the phone and was saying that a girl is really beautiful and she was considering her for my husband but he liked me. All while I was literally in front of her. 5. She tries to take over the kitchen, she wants to wash dishes by hand and there is food residue all over. She doesn't want me to use the dishwasher. When I pointedly out that there is residue all dried up on the mixer blade, she covered it up saying that its powder. 6. I asked her not to put oil or ghee on the roti pan when making rotis as its ruining the pan and to ghee after the roti is cooked. She still went ahead and melted butter and poured it on the pan and made rotis. She said that they are not puffing up without the oil. I tried it out myself and I discovered that she lied. Dishonesty is my biggest peeve. I have no respect for her now. I don’t understand why she behaves the way she does. She also expects me to listen to all her stories and express interest in her superstitions. She on the other hand shows total disregard to what I say. My parents want me to be nice to her as she is a widow and has only her son and daughter. She is not nice to her daughter. My sister in law does not want to live with her in laws and my mother-in-laws laughs when she calls her crying. I have witnessed her gas lighting her daughter on many occasions. Once my husband asked her is the sister can come stay at home with her back in India and my mother-in-law said that she does not want her daughter in the house because she is a burden. My mother in law also keeps telling me that I should press her son’s legs as it will give Lakshmi. Once he took food from my plate I told him to put it back and get his own, she said its a Maha paap to snatch from husband’s mouth. She uses this Mahapaap whenever I ask my husband to help around the house. I don’t know how to communicate this with my husband and how to deal with her. He believes he needs to provide everything his mom wants and give her the world because she went thru difficulties after their dad’s passing. However my mother in law believes her life got better after her husband’s passing. She says that her husband was abusive to her physically, emotionally and financially. What do I do?
Ans: Dear DD,
Some space is necessary to be away from people who display less empathy. It keeps the relationship healthier.
You will usually find me guiding people towards one another first BUT at times maintaining a healthy distance can save relationships. Your mother-in-law can become the cause for stress within your marriage as you will have no one to take your complaints to other than your husband. He is obviously not going to take it that easily...
Also the fact that your mother-in-law herself hasn't held a steady marriage is going to be a constant source of more stresses as she is very likely to expect special treatment from her son and you.
She needs to work on her mind and that's too much to expect of her. It's wise to keep some distance and over time, she may wish to re-build relationships with everyone and live in harmony.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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