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Sensitive Soul: Should I Blame Myself for My Family Dynamics?

Aruna

Aruna Agarwal  | Answer  |Ask -

Child and Parenting Counsellor - Answered on Jun 09, 2024

Aruna Agarwal is a qualified child psychologist and behaviour therapist with over 20 years of experience.
She has a master’s degree in psychology with a specialisation in behaviour analysis. She focuses on children between the ages of 2-10 years who face challenges related to behaviour, language development or attention issues and providing them with the right life skills.
Agarwal is the owner of Kidzee, a pre-primary school, and Mount Litera Zee School that caters to primary students.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jun 08, 2024Hindi
Health

Is it my fault that my sensitivity leads me to adopt a nonchalant demeanor in social situations, which my parents perceive as arrogance and irresponsibility? Is it my fault that I tend to remember negative experiences and words more vividly than positive ones, given their rarity? Is it my fault that I struggle to be affectionate with my parents after they scold me, as they expect, despite considering it a form of tough love? They feel that they're giving me valuable life lessons and I should be grateful to them and how bad my life would've been if someone else were my parents. They feel that they're so kind, generous and loving for tolerating me and my attitude and how disappointing I'm for disregarding their good wishes and how it's gonna make my future life so bad that I'll be wishing that I had listened to them. How alone I would be in my future due to my bad attitude and nobody would be there to celebrate my successes or share my sorrows. When I talk with them, we would all act like a happy family but after sometime they would tell me that how my this and that remark hurt them but to keep the vibe going they didn't stop me? How are they expecting me to continue talking with them when I feel that conversing with them is like walking around landmines? And if I don't talk, they feel like I'm a freeloader who is taking them for granted and treating their home as a hotel and them as waiters? Is it my fault that I feel uncomfortable conversing with my parents due to their tendency to highlight my faults and hurtful remarks, creating a tense atmosphere? Is it my fault that my parents make me feel guilty for envisioning my own future, independent of them, and accuse me of being heartless and ungrateful? Is it my fault that I struggle to make friends due to the constant comparison to others by my parents, which undermines my self-esteem? Is it my fault that I can't forget them calling be the karma of their bad actions in their previous lives and how it's better to have been childless? Is it my fault that I am petty and I can't make friends with those who my parents always compare me with in terms of their sensibility, responsibility and love towards their family and me being clueless of things in my house and not treating them lovingly, politely and properly and disregarding them? Is it my fault that I crave comfort and affection, longing for someone to understand and support me emotionally, especially in the absence of loving gestures from my parents? Is it my fault that I hesitate to confide in my parents about my deepest feelings due to fear of judgment and their tendency to use past mistakes as lessons against me? Is it my fault that I believe in the validity of subjective truths, yet my parents fail to acknowledge the possibility of their own fallibility? Is it my fault that my parents see me as a disappointment, only capable of goodness when I seek forgiveness or favor, rather than recognizing my genuine efforts? Is it my fault that I feel trapped in a dependent relationship with my parents, unable to assert my independence due to financial reliance and lack of alternative support? Is it my fault that my attempts to express my emotional distress are dismissed as self-victimization by my parents, while they themselves engage in guilt-tripping behavior? When faced with overwhelming emotions and a sense of detachment from myself and my responsibilities, I recognize the potential danger of suppressing these feelings. If I continue to bottle them up, I fear that I may reach a breaking point and act impulsively, leading to regrettable consequences. This state of mind has left me feeling demotivated, pessimistic, and disconnected from activities I once enjoyed and obligations I should fulfill for my future. Despite this, I acknowledge the love and support of my parents. However, I realize the urgency of addressing these feelings and seeking help to regain control over my emotions and motivation for self-care and responsibility. What should I do?

Ans: Many a times we do get carried away because of our emotions and start feeling victimized.Parent and child bond is always priceless. They both care and love each other but expression of this is lesser. Whereas in order to correct each other,we keep using derogatory remarks which can go on and one gets into the vicious cycle. You need to understand that what are their triggers and even yours. Talk to them and strike conversations when you are not emotionally feeling low. These are the time when you might hurt them with your words .
Do yoga, listen to music, develop a hobby, being Mindful will help you and them to deal with situation. Work on self regulation ( observe your own self) and your emotions. Consult some one if not able to do it on your own.
DISCLAIMER: The answer provided by rediffGURUS is for informational and general awareness purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical diagnosis or treatment.
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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |645 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 30, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 30, 2024Hindi
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Dear Madam, Iam a 45 year old woman. Ever since I was a kid I had went through lot of bullying by my rekatives for the way I look but my parents never supported me in any way instead found fault in ne for complaining but would always support my younger brother. Somewhere down the line I thought this was all I deserved and let oeople walk all over me without standing up for myself. Now that Iam a mother myself of a 15 year old kid with dyskexia, i have sacrificed my career fir his sake and still get bullied by my relatives dir being a useless house wife. I have started drawing boundaries around me to protect my mental sanity and allow only few people in it which invludes a small group of friends and my son and husband. I avoid making new friends. I have also stopped attending any social events that involves my relatives. Meanwhile I have started deeply resenting my parents who want ne to take care of them but openly favour my brother who lives abroad. I have taken care of them everytime they require neducal treatments yet my father openly says that he plans to give all his property to my brother who is never coming back. Its not about the money here but the apathy they have towards me that kills me from inside. I have tried to talk to them multiple times but each time my mother creates a scene and puts the enture blame on me. For once in my life i want my parents to love me unconditionally the way I do with my son. Am i wrong to expect that? This is causung lot of health issues in me. Please advise.
Ans: First and foremost, it's crucial to recognize that your feelings are valid. It's natural to want love and support from your parents, especially after all you've done for them. It's not wrong to expect unconditional love from your family; however, sometimes, unfortunately, families can be complex and dysfunctional, and our expectations may not always be met.

Drawing boundaries and prioritizing your mental health and well-being is a positive step. It's essential to protect yourself from toxic relationships and environments, even if it means distancing yourself from certain family members. Surrounding yourself with supportive friends and loved ones, like your son and husband, is vital for your emotional health.

Regarding your parents, it's clear that their behavior is hurtful and unjust. It's understandable that you would feel hurt and resentful toward them, given their favoritism towards your brother and lack of appreciation
for your sacrifices and care. However, it's also essential to recognize that you cannot control their actions or attitudes. You can only control how you respond to them.

While it's challenging, try to approach conversations with your parents from a place of empathy and understanding. Express your feelings calmly and assertively, focusing on how their actions make you feel rather than blaming them. It's possible that they may not even realize the extent of the hurt they're causing you. However, it's also essential to set realistic expectations. If your parents continue to be unsupportive or dismissive, it may be necessary to limit your interactions with them for the sake of your own well-being.

Remember to prioritize self-care and seek support from a therapist or counselor if you're struggling with your mental health. It's okay to seek professional help to navigate through these difficult emotions and experiences. You deserve love, respect, and validation, and it's essential to surround yourself with people who uplift and support you.

Lastly, continue to cherish the love and bond you have with your son and husband. They are your pillars of support, and together, you can navigate through these challenges. You're stronger than you realize, and you have the power to create a fulfilling and loving life for yourself, regardless of the negativity from others.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1745 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 03, 2024Hindi
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I'm 25 YO, I've completed my medical degree in BAMS recently and brother is 17YO still in school. I've seen very severe favouritism of my parents towards my brother. I know he's a boy and all and in India, being a boy makes all of your wrong doings right! It's very emotionally distressing for me that even I'm the older child, my parents asks and discuss things with my younger brother but not me :( since the time he was born, I've always been neglected, I used to be a star kid, the getting 10/10 marks in everything. But eventually my self esteem degraded, and I stopped working hard, they have always pointed me out for my looks and my behavior, which was very hurtful. I've been away from my family for 5 years and it literally changed me, I was not depressed anymore, although my self esteem also affected my academic performance and my relationship choices, but somewhat I was happy. But now I'm home, and again, my parents points out my mistakes, my academic that I didn't get MBBS, that I don't even look good, and I'm crazy, I don't even have brains. And my brother who didn't even score 50% is asked and being discussed over everything what to eat, where to go, what car to buy, what TV to buy etc. I feel so sad and stuck here. I feel like for my father and mother, I'm invisible. Everyday I feel like when this life will end. It's even harming my studies. All I do is day dream about being loved by someone. I just want to focus on me and my studies. But I'm not able to do it.What can I do?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
If there's evident distinction in the way that your parents treat you and your brother, then it's pretty unfortunate.
One way is to actually talk to them about it and tell them how you feel, but I am unsure if this is going to work. The other way is to reassure yourself with your own self-love and be happy that you are academically strong. Use your degree wisely and to make a mark on your own by serving the society in your own way.
Someday, your parents may realize this and pay attention to you. But if you feel that things are going well for you emotionally, I suggest that you work with a professional who can guide you and your energies back into yourself without relying on anyone. This will help you tide over the hurt and the pain and move into a space of confidence.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1745 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 27, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
Hey everyone, I came here to find a solution for my severe anger outburst. It is going to be a VERY lengthy one so please be with me. My parents are good people and like every other parent they have always wanted good for me. But whenever there is some problem, they tend to make personal attacks on me, especially things that make me severely insecure. So recently, I have lost my job. My parents impliedly misbehaved with me even before this. This is because I chose a course of my own choice, I selected a boy who has been with me through all my thick and thin and who respects my parents even more than his own family, still they question my choice just because the boy I selected is of dark skin and short in height. Losing my job was the last nail in the coffin. My parents have been misbehaving with me ever since then. I still did not say a word to them. They have their wedding anniversary today. While on our way back to home, I was upset because my sister had lost my ear phones the very day we started our journey to this trip. These earphones are expensive and were gifted to me by my boyfriend. My sister kept it casually and lost them. I still did not get angry about it and calmly stayed with my family throughout the trip. When we were getting in the car this morning, , my parents still showed no concern towards my problem and when I calmly tried to explain why it bothers me so much, they out of nowhere told me that "you lost your job because you're so non cooperative". I was appalled at their response. This really upset me and made me severely mad at them but still I had not more than app slight argument with them. Now when they stopped the car on the way to grab some morning tea, then also my mother said "Nobody liked you at your workolace and look at me everybody likes me at mine" . Not minding much, I started looking for my earphones and found it in some random corner of my seat. My family said many things after that but I kept mum. But I lost it after sometime and told them about how they never accept their mistake but it's always a problem when I do it. Just few days ago my sister misplaced my mother's earphones too and my mother ACTUALLY started crying sitting inside the restaurant but when she found her own earphones back, she casually said not more than a few lines to my sister and when I did it , it became an issue for them. The problem now begins. I could not take those personal attacks anymore. To be honest , my mother's marriage has not been happy. She has cried each day and has been upset on my father many times. I told them "why do you even want to celebrate your marriage when you have not been happy at all?' This is because she has been attacking my insecurities since morning and I could not take it. After that my mum burst out in anger and said such shameful things about me and my boyfriend. She literally started to abuse him. Now I was holding tea in my hand. Somehow my hand shook in anger and half the tea was spilled on my legs. In a fit of anger, I poured the remaining tea on my mother's side of the seat and also the tea cup. My family went nuts after this and even I was shocked to the core about what I did. So I seriously need your help or at least guide me in how I can overcome my anger issues because I seriously want to get out of it. I am tired of taking bad karma on my head. I really want to change.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
If you really want to change, then you really need to stop REACTING. That's a tough thing to do especially when you are being provoked. Actually, it's a choice of whether you want to be provoked.
People say things from a place they are in; disappointment, anger, jealousy and so on...do you want to be a part of their drama that they are pulling you into? NO, right?
Then train your mind to deal with the anger and then train the mind to a place of no reaction. Is this possible? YES, with a mindset of minding your business and being unbothered by what your family says or does. This is mindset to be cultivated and it will take a while to do this.
What is the necessity to react when she attacks your boyfriend? Is he asking you to defend him? When you choose to react, that's when things get bigger. Sometimes just thinking about oneself and being in one's own space can prevent a lot of these continuing arguments and helps you get peace of mind.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10871 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 06, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 06, 2025Hindi
Money
Dear Sir/Ma'am, I need some guidance and advice for continuing my mutual fund investments. I am a 36 year old male, married, no kids yet and no debts/liabilities as such. I have couple of savings in PPF, NPS, Emergency funds and long term investing in direct stocks. I recently started below mentioned SIPs for long term to grow wealth. Request you to review the same and let me know if I should continue with the SIPs or need to rationalize. Kindly also advice on how to invest a lumpsum amount of around 6lacs. invesco small cap 2000 motilal oswal midcap 2700 parag parikh flexicap 3000 HDFC flexicap 3100 ICICI prudential largecap 3100 HDFC large and midcap 3100 HDFC gold etf FOF 2000 ICICI Pru equity and debt fund 3000 HDFC balanced advantage fund 3000 nippon india silver etf FOF 2000
Ans: You already built a solid foundation. Many investors delay planning. But you started early at 36. That gives you a strong advantage. You have no liabilities. You have long term thinking. You also have diversified savings like PPF, NPS, Emergency funds and direct stocks. That shows clarity and discipline. This approach builds wealth with less stress over time.

You also started systematic investments in equity funds. That is a positive step. Your selection covers multiple categories like large cap, mid cap, small cap, flexi cap, hybrid and precious metals. So the intent is right. You are trying to create a broad portfolio. That gives balance.

» Your Portfolio Composition Understanding
Your current SIP list includes:

Small cap

Mid cap

Flexi cap

Large cap

Large and mid cap

Hybrid category

Gold and Silver FoF

Equity and Debt allocation fund

Dynamic hybrid fund

This shows you are trying to cover many segments. But too many categories can create overlap. When there is overlap, you get confusion during review. It also makes portfolio discipline difficult. You may think you are diversified. But the holdings inside may repeat. That reduces efficiency.

Your portfolio now looks like:

Equity dominant

Hybrid for stability

Metals for hedge

So the broad direction is fine. But simplifying helps in long-term habit building.

» Fund Category Duplication
You hold:

Two flexi cap funds

One large and mid cap fund

One pure large cap fund

One mid cap fund

One small cap fund

Flexi cap funds already invest across large, mid, small. Then large and mid also overlaps. So the large cap exposure gets repeated. That may not add extra benefit. But it increases monitoring complexity.

So I suggest rationalising. Keep one fund per category in core. Keep satellite space for only high conviction.

» Core and Satellite Strategy
A structured portfolio follows core and satellite method.

Core portfolio should be:

Simple

Long term

Stable

Satellite portfolio can be:

High growth

Concentrated

Based on your thinking level, you can structure like this:

Core funds:

One large cap

One flexi cap

One hybrid equity and debt fund

One balanced advantage type fund

Satellite funds:

One mid cap

One small cap

One metal allocation if needed

This division gives clarity. You can continue SIPs with review every year. No need to stop and restart often. That reduces behavioural mistakes.

» Your Current SIP List Review with Suggested Streamlining

You can consider continuing:

One flexi cap

One large cap

One mid cap

One small cap

One balanced advantage

One equity and debt hybrid

You may reconsider keeping both flexi caps and both gold silver funds. One of each category is enough. Because too many funds do not increase returns. It complicates tracking.

Precious metal funds should not be more than 5 to 7 percent in your portfolio. This is because metals are hedge assets. They do not create compounding like equity. They act as protection during cycles. So keep them small.

» How to Use the Rs 6 Lakh Lump Sum
You asked about lump sum investing. This is important. Lump sum should not go fully into equity at one time. Markets move in cycles. So use a staggered method. You can invest the lump sum through STP (Systematic Transfer Plan). You can keep the amount in a liquid fund and set STP toward your chosen growth funds over 6 to 12 months.

This reduces timing risk. It also creates discipline. So your Rs 6 lakh can be deployed gradually. You may use 50% towards core equity funds and 30% toward satellite growth category. The remaining 20% can go into hybrid category. This gives balance and comfort.

» Regular Funds Over Direct Funds
One important point many investors miss. Direct funds look cheaper. But they demand deep knowledge, discipline, and behaviour control. Most investors lose more through emotional selling and wrong timing than they save on expense ratio.

With regular funds through a Mutual Fund Distributor with Certified Financial Planner qualification, you get guidance, structure and correction. The advisory discipline protects you during market extremes. That is more valuable than a small saving in expense ratio.

A personalised planner also tracks portfolio drift, rebalancing need and category shifts. So regular fund investing gives long-term benefit and behaviour coaching.

» Actively Managed Funds over Index or ETF
Some investors choose index funds or ETF thinking they are simple and cheap. But they ignore drawbacks.

Index funds or ETF will not avoid weak companies in the index. They will invest whether the company grows or struggles. There is no fund manager decision making. So when markets are at peak, index funds continue aggressive exposure. In downturns also they fall fully. There is no cushion.

Actively managed funds work with research teams. They can avoid bad sectors. They can shift allocation based on market and economy. Over long term, this gives better alpha and stability. So continuing with actively managed funds creates better wealth compounding.

» SIP Continuation Strategy
Once the rationalisation is done, continue SIPs every month without interruption. Pause and restart behaviour damages compounding power. SIP works best when you go through all market cycles. You benefit more during corrections because cost averaging works.

So continue SIP amount. You can also review SIP increase every year based on income. Increasing SIP by 10 to 15 percent every year helps you reach large corpus faster.

» Asset Allocation Based Approach
One key point in wealth creation is having the right asset mix. Equity gives growth. Hybrid gives balance. Metals give hedge. Debt gives safety. Your asset allocation should stay aligned to your risk profile and time horizon.

Since you are young and have long term horizon, higher equity allocation is fine. But as time moves, rebalancing is important. Rebalancing protects gains and restores allocation.

So review your asset allocation every year or during major life events like child birth, home buying or retirement planning.

» Behaviour Management
Many portfolios fail not due to bad funds. They fail due to bad decisions. Selling during correction. Stopping SIP when market falls. Chasing past return performance. These mistakes reduce wealth.

Your discipline so far is good. Continue to stay patient during volatility. Equity rewards patience and time.

» Financial Goals Clarity
Since you have no children now, you can decide your long-term goals. Typical goals may include:

Retirement

Future child education

Dream lifestyle purchase

Health care reserves

When goals are clear, investment purpose becomes stronger. So you can map each fund category to goal horizon. Short-term goals should not use equity. Long-term goals should use equity with hybrid support.

» Role of Review and Monitoring
Review once in a year is enough. Frequent review can create anxiety. Annual review helps check:

Fund performance

Expense drift

Category relevance

Allocation balance

Then adjust only if needed. This progress helps you stay confident and aligned.

» Taxation Awareness
Equity mutual funds taxation rules are:

Short term (below one year holding) taxable at 20 percent

Long term (above one year holding) gains above Rs 1.25 lakh taxable at 12.5 percent

Debt mutual funds are taxed as per your income slab.

So always hold equity funds for long term. That reduces tax impact and gives better growth.

» SIP Increase Plan
You can create a simple plan to increase SIP over time. For example:

Increase SIP at every salary increment

Increase SIP during bonus time

Use rewards or extra income for investing

This habit accelerates wealth. So by the time you reach 45 to 50 years, your investments could reach a strong level.

» Insurance and Protection
Before investing large, ensure you have term insurance and health insurance. If not already done, it is important. Insurance protects wealth. Without insurance, even a small medical event can impact investment plan. So review this part also. Since you are married, cover both.

» Wealth Behaviour Mindset
You are already disciplined. Just keep these simple principles:

Invest without stopping

Review once a year

Avoid funds overlap

Follow asset allocation

Avoid reacting to media noise

This helps you reach long term milestones.

» Finally
You are on the right track. Only fine tuning and simplification is needed. Your discipline is visible. Your portfolio will grow well with structure, patience and periodic review. Use the Rs 6 lakh with STP approach. And continue SIP with rationalised categories.

With time and consistency, wealth creation becomes effortless and peaceful. You just need to stay committed and avoid overthinking during market movements.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Dr Dipankar

Dr Dipankar Dutta  |1837 Answers  |Ask -

Tech Careers and Skill Development Expert - Answered on Dec 05, 2025

Career
Dear Sir, I did my BTech from a normal engineering college not very famous. The teaching was not great and hence i did not study well. I tried my best to learn coding including all the technologies like html,css,javascript,react js,dba,php because i wanted to be a web developer But nothing seem to enter my head except html and css. I don't understand a language which has more complexities. Is it because of my lack of experience or not devoting enough time. I am not sure. I did many courses online and tried to do diplomas also abroad which i passed somehow. I recently joined android development course because i like apps but the teaching was so fast that i could not memorize anything. There was no time to even take notes down. During the course i did assignments and understood the code because i have to pass but after the course is over i tend to forget everything. I attempted a lot of interviews. Some of them i even got but could not perform well so they let me go. Now due to the AI booming and job markets in a bad shape i am re-thinking whether to keep studying or whether its just time waste. Since 3 years i am doing labour type of jobs which does not yield anything to me for survival and to pay my expenses. I have the quest to learn everything but as soon as i sit in front of the computer i listen to music or read something else. What should i do to stay more focused? What should i do to make myself believe confident. Is there still scope of IT in todays world? Kindly advise.
Ans: Your story does not show failure.
It shows persistence, effort, and desire to improve.

Most people give up.
You didn’t.
That means you will succeed — but with the right method, not the old one.

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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