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Sensitive Soul: Should I Blame Myself for My Family Dynamics?

Aruna

Aruna Agarwal  | Answer  |Ask -

Child and Parenting Counsellor - Answered on Jun 09, 2024

Aruna Agarwal is a qualified child psychologist and behaviour therapist with over 20 years of experience.
She has a master’s degree in psychology with a specialisation in behaviour analysis. She focuses on children between the ages of 2-10 years who face challenges related to behaviour, language development or attention issues and providing them with the right life skills.
Agarwal is the owner of Kidzee, a pre-primary school, and Mount Litera Zee School that caters to primary students.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jun 08, 2024Hindi
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Is it my fault that my sensitivity leads me to adopt a nonchalant demeanor in social situations, which my parents perceive as arrogance and irresponsibility? Is it my fault that I tend to remember negative experiences and words more vividly than positive ones, given their rarity? Is it my fault that I struggle to be affectionate with my parents after they scold me, as they expect, despite considering it a form of tough love? They feel that they're giving me valuable life lessons and I should be grateful to them and how bad my life would've been if someone else were my parents. They feel that they're so kind, generous and loving for tolerating me and my attitude and how disappointing I'm for disregarding their good wishes and how it's gonna make my future life so bad that I'll be wishing that I had listened to them. How alone I would be in my future due to my bad attitude and nobody would be there to celebrate my successes or share my sorrows. When I talk with them, we would all act like a happy family but after sometime they would tell me that how my this and that remark hurt them but to keep the vibe going they didn't stop me? How are they expecting me to continue talking with them when I feel that conversing with them is like walking around landmines? And if I don't talk, they feel like I'm a freeloader who is taking them for granted and treating their home as a hotel and them as waiters? Is it my fault that I feel uncomfortable conversing with my parents due to their tendency to highlight my faults and hurtful remarks, creating a tense atmosphere? Is it my fault that my parents make me feel guilty for envisioning my own future, independent of them, and accuse me of being heartless and ungrateful? Is it my fault that I struggle to make friends due to the constant comparison to others by my parents, which undermines my self-esteem? Is it my fault that I can't forget them calling be the karma of their bad actions in their previous lives and how it's better to have been childless? Is it my fault that I am petty and I can't make friends with those who my parents always compare me with in terms of their sensibility, responsibility and love towards their family and me being clueless of things in my house and not treating them lovingly, politely and properly and disregarding them? Is it my fault that I crave comfort and affection, longing for someone to understand and support me emotionally, especially in the absence of loving gestures from my parents? Is it my fault that I hesitate to confide in my parents about my deepest feelings due to fear of judgment and their tendency to use past mistakes as lessons against me? Is it my fault that I believe in the validity of subjective truths, yet my parents fail to acknowledge the possibility of their own fallibility? Is it my fault that my parents see me as a disappointment, only capable of goodness when I seek forgiveness or favor, rather than recognizing my genuine efforts? Is it my fault that I feel trapped in a dependent relationship with my parents, unable to assert my independence due to financial reliance and lack of alternative support? Is it my fault that my attempts to express my emotional distress are dismissed as self-victimization by my parents, while they themselves engage in guilt-tripping behavior? When faced with overwhelming emotions and a sense of detachment from myself and my responsibilities, I recognize the potential danger of suppressing these feelings. If I continue to bottle them up, I fear that I may reach a breaking point and act impulsively, leading to regrettable consequences. This state of mind has left me feeling demotivated, pessimistic, and disconnected from activities I once enjoyed and obligations I should fulfill for my future. Despite this, I acknowledge the love and support of my parents. However, I realize the urgency of addressing these feelings and seeking help to regain control over my emotions and motivation for self-care and responsibility. What should I do?

Ans: Many a times we do get carried away because of our emotions and start feeling victimized.Parent and child bond is always priceless. They both care and love each other but expression of this is lesser. Whereas in order to correct each other,we keep using derogatory remarks which can go on and one gets into the vicious cycle. You need to understand that what are their triggers and even yours. Talk to them and strike conversations when you are not emotionally feeling low. These are the time when you might hurt them with your words .
Do yoga, listen to music, develop a hobby, being Mindful will help you and them to deal with situation. Work on self regulation ( observe your own self) and your emotions. Consult some one if not able to do it on your own.
DISCLAIMER: The answer provided by rediffGURUS is for informational and general awareness purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical diagnosis or treatment.
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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 30, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 30, 2024Hindi
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Dear Madam, Iam a 45 year old woman. Ever since I was a kid I had went through lot of bullying by my rekatives for the way I look but my parents never supported me in any way instead found fault in ne for complaining but would always support my younger brother. Somewhere down the line I thought this was all I deserved and let oeople walk all over me without standing up for myself. Now that Iam a mother myself of a 15 year old kid with dyskexia, i have sacrificed my career fir his sake and still get bullied by my relatives dir being a useless house wife. I have started drawing boundaries around me to protect my mental sanity and allow only few people in it which invludes a small group of friends and my son and husband. I avoid making new friends. I have also stopped attending any social events that involves my relatives. Meanwhile I have started deeply resenting my parents who want ne to take care of them but openly favour my brother who lives abroad. I have taken care of them everytime they require neducal treatments yet my father openly says that he plans to give all his property to my brother who is never coming back. Its not about the money here but the apathy they have towards me that kills me from inside. I have tried to talk to them multiple times but each time my mother creates a scene and puts the enture blame on me. For once in my life i want my parents to love me unconditionally the way I do with my son. Am i wrong to expect that? This is causung lot of health issues in me. Please advise.
Ans: First and foremost, it's crucial to recognize that your feelings are valid. It's natural to want love and support from your parents, especially after all you've done for them. It's not wrong to expect unconditional love from your family; however, sometimes, unfortunately, families can be complex and dysfunctional, and our expectations may not always be met.

Drawing boundaries and prioritizing your mental health and well-being is a positive step. It's essential to protect yourself from toxic relationships and environments, even if it means distancing yourself from certain family members. Surrounding yourself with supportive friends and loved ones, like your son and husband, is vital for your emotional health.

Regarding your parents, it's clear that their behavior is hurtful and unjust. It's understandable that you would feel hurt and resentful toward them, given their favoritism towards your brother and lack of appreciation
for your sacrifices and care. However, it's also essential to recognize that you cannot control their actions or attitudes. You can only control how you respond to them.

While it's challenging, try to approach conversations with your parents from a place of empathy and understanding. Express your feelings calmly and assertively, focusing on how their actions make you feel rather than blaming them. It's possible that they may not even realize the extent of the hurt they're causing you. However, it's also essential to set realistic expectations. If your parents continue to be unsupportive or dismissive, it may be necessary to limit your interactions with them for the sake of your own well-being.

Remember to prioritize self-care and seek support from a therapist or counselor if you're struggling with your mental health. It's okay to seek professional help to navigate through these difficult emotions and experiences. You deserve love, respect, and validation, and it's essential to surround yourself with people who uplift and support you.

Lastly, continue to cherish the love and bond you have with your son and husband. They are your pillars of support, and together, you can navigate through these challenges. You're stronger than you realize, and you have the power to create a fulfilling and loving life for yourself, regardless of the negativity from others.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1540 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 03, 2024Hindi
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I'm 25 YO, I've completed my medical degree in BAMS recently and brother is 17YO still in school. I've seen very severe favouritism of my parents towards my brother. I know he's a boy and all and in India, being a boy makes all of your wrong doings right! It's very emotionally distressing for me that even I'm the older child, my parents asks and discuss things with my younger brother but not me :( since the time he was born, I've always been neglected, I used to be a star kid, the getting 10/10 marks in everything. But eventually my self esteem degraded, and I stopped working hard, they have always pointed me out for my looks and my behavior, which was very hurtful. I've been away from my family for 5 years and it literally changed me, I was not depressed anymore, although my self esteem also affected my academic performance and my relationship choices, but somewhat I was happy. But now I'm home, and again, my parents points out my mistakes, my academic that I didn't get MBBS, that I don't even look good, and I'm crazy, I don't even have brains. And my brother who didn't even score 50% is asked and being discussed over everything what to eat, where to go, what car to buy, what TV to buy etc. I feel so sad and stuck here. I feel like for my father and mother, I'm invisible. Everyday I feel like when this life will end. It's even harming my studies. All I do is day dream about being loved by someone. I just want to focus on me and my studies. But I'm not able to do it.What can I do?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
If there's evident distinction in the way that your parents treat you and your brother, then it's pretty unfortunate.
One way is to actually talk to them about it and tell them how you feel, but I am unsure if this is going to work. The other way is to reassure yourself with your own self-love and be happy that you are academically strong. Use your degree wisely and to make a mark on your own by serving the society in your own way.
Someday, your parents may realize this and pay attention to you. But if you feel that things are going well for you emotionally, I suggest that you work with a professional who can guide you and your energies back into yourself without relying on anyone. This will help you tide over the hurt and the pain and move into a space of confidence.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1540 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 27, 2025Hindi
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Hey everyone, I came here to find a solution for my severe anger outburst. It is going to be a VERY lengthy one so please be with me. My parents are good people and like every other parent they have always wanted good for me. But whenever there is some problem, they tend to make personal attacks on me, especially things that make me severely insecure. So recently, I have lost my job. My parents impliedly misbehaved with me even before this. This is because I chose a course of my own choice, I selected a boy who has been with me through all my thick and thin and who respects my parents even more than his own family, still they question my choice just because the boy I selected is of dark skin and short in height. Losing my job was the last nail in the coffin. My parents have been misbehaving with me ever since then. I still did not say a word to them. They have their wedding anniversary today. While on our way back to home, I was upset because my sister had lost my ear phones the very day we started our journey to this trip. These earphones are expensive and were gifted to me by my boyfriend. My sister kept it casually and lost them. I still did not get angry about it and calmly stayed with my family throughout the trip. When we were getting in the car this morning, , my parents still showed no concern towards my problem and when I calmly tried to explain why it bothers me so much, they out of nowhere told me that "you lost your job because you're so non cooperative". I was appalled at their response. This really upset me and made me severely mad at them but still I had not more than app slight argument with them. Now when they stopped the car on the way to grab some morning tea, then also my mother said "Nobody liked you at your workolace and look at me everybody likes me at mine" . Not minding much, I started looking for my earphones and found it in some random corner of my seat. My family said many things after that but I kept mum. But I lost it after sometime and told them about how they never accept their mistake but it's always a problem when I do it. Just few days ago my sister misplaced my mother's earphones too and my mother ACTUALLY started crying sitting inside the restaurant but when she found her own earphones back, she casually said not more than a few lines to my sister and when I did it , it became an issue for them. The problem now begins. I could not take those personal attacks anymore. To be honest , my mother's marriage has not been happy. She has cried each day and has been upset on my father many times. I told them "why do you even want to celebrate your marriage when you have not been happy at all?' This is because she has been attacking my insecurities since morning and I could not take it. After that my mum burst out in anger and said such shameful things about me and my boyfriend. She literally started to abuse him. Now I was holding tea in my hand. Somehow my hand shook in anger and half the tea was spilled on my legs. In a fit of anger, I poured the remaining tea on my mother's side of the seat and also the tea cup. My family went nuts after this and even I was shocked to the core about what I did. So I seriously need your help or at least guide me in how I can overcome my anger issues because I seriously want to get out of it. I am tired of taking bad karma on my head. I really want to change.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
If you really want to change, then you really need to stop REACTING. That's a tough thing to do especially when you are being provoked. Actually, it's a choice of whether you want to be provoked.
People say things from a place they are in; disappointment, anger, jealousy and so on...do you want to be a part of their drama that they are pulling you into? NO, right?
Then train your mind to deal with the anger and then train the mind to a place of no reaction. Is this possible? YES, with a mindset of minding your business and being unbothered by what your family says or does. This is mindset to be cultivated and it will take a while to do this.
What is the necessity to react when she attacks your boyfriend? Is he asking you to defend him? When you choose to react, that's when things get bigger. Sometimes just thinking about oneself and being in one's own space can prevent a lot of these continuing arguments and helps you get peace of mind.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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