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Help! How can I control my extreme anger outbursts?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1745 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jan 27, 2025Hindi
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Relationship

Hey everyone, I came here to find a solution for my severe anger outburst. It is going to be a VERY lengthy one so please be with me. My parents are good people and like every other parent they have always wanted good for me. But whenever there is some problem, they tend to make personal attacks on me, especially things that make me severely insecure. So recently, I have lost my job. My parents impliedly misbehaved with me even before this. This is because I chose a course of my own choice, I selected a boy who has been with me through all my thick and thin and who respects my parents even more than his own family, still they question my choice just because the boy I selected is of dark skin and short in height. Losing my job was the last nail in the coffin. My parents have been misbehaving with me ever since then. I still did not say a word to them. They have their wedding anniversary today. While on our way back to home, I was upset because my sister had lost my ear phones the very day we started our journey to this trip. These earphones are expensive and were gifted to me by my boyfriend. My sister kept it casually and lost them. I still did not get angry about it and calmly stayed with my family throughout the trip. When we were getting in the car this morning, , my parents still showed no concern towards my problem and when I calmly tried to explain why it bothers me so much, they out of nowhere told me that "you lost your job because you're so non cooperative". I was appalled at their response. This really upset me and made me severely mad at them but still I had not more than app slight argument with them. Now when they stopped the car on the way to grab some morning tea, then also my mother said "Nobody liked you at your workolace and look at me everybody likes me at mine" . Not minding much, I started looking for my earphones and found it in some random corner of my seat. My family said many things after that but I kept mum. But I lost it after sometime and told them about how they never accept their mistake but it's always a problem when I do it. Just few days ago my sister misplaced my mother's earphones too and my mother ACTUALLY started crying sitting inside the restaurant but when she found her own earphones back, she casually said not more than a few lines to my sister and when I did it , it became an issue for them. The problem now begins. I could not take those personal attacks anymore. To be honest , my mother's marriage has not been happy. She has cried each day and has been upset on my father many times. I told them "why do you even want to celebrate your marriage when you have not been happy at all?' This is because she has been attacking my insecurities since morning and I could not take it. After that my mum burst out in anger and said such shameful things about me and my boyfriend. She literally started to abuse him. Now I was holding tea in my hand. Somehow my hand shook in anger and half the tea was spilled on my legs. In a fit of anger, I poured the remaining tea on my mother's side of the seat and also the tea cup. My family went nuts after this and even I was shocked to the core about what I did. So I seriously need your help or at least guide me in how I can overcome my anger issues because I seriously want to get out of it. I am tired of taking bad karma on my head. I really want to change.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
If you really want to change, then you really need to stop REACTING. That's a tough thing to do especially when you are being provoked. Actually, it's a choice of whether you want to be provoked.
People say things from a place they are in; disappointment, anger, jealousy and so on...do you want to be a part of their drama that they are pulling you into? NO, right?
Then train your mind to deal with the anger and then train the mind to a place of no reaction. Is this possible? YES, with a mindset of minding your business and being unbothered by what your family says or does. This is mindset to be cultivated and it will take a while to do this.
What is the necessity to react when she attacks your boyfriend? Is he asking you to defend him? When you choose to react, that's when things get bigger. Sometimes just thinking about oneself and being in one's own space can prevent a lot of these continuing arguments and helps you get peace of mind.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/
Asked on - Jan 31, 2025 | Answered on Jan 31, 2025
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Hi Ma'am, I would like to share one more incident. Do you think I have Intermediate Explosive Disorder? This same thing happened 2 years ago as well. I was preparing for a competitive exam. After giving my mock test at night, I went to bed to grab some rest. My sister stormed into the room and threw me out without any reason. I wanted to tackle the situation on my own, but did not do so because my parents told me that whenever your sister does something like this, come to us. I went to them telling about how she threw me out of my room, my parents ignored this problem and brushed it off. They said "your sister is like that and she won't change. We have given up on her" I wad appalled. I asked them "why do you fear her so much?" This triggered my mother and father. My mum came and pulled my hair back. My neck snapped. I attacked my mum afterwards. Later in the morning, I deeply regretted what I did and asked for forgiveness. They did forgive me but continued the same behaviour. I managed to tackle that because I had a job.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Giving me and yourself more instances will only prove a point that its is okay to be angry towards them. So, in order for a change to happen, these things need to pushed back so that you can indulge in a new way of handling things. When your parents see a change in you as you start to become unbothered, somewhere they will also start to question their immature way of doing things...
You take the first step...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Hi Ma’am, My parents are not agreeing for my marriage with an intercaste marriage and this is not the first intercaste marriage one of cousin tried convincing their parents for 5 yrs but eventually gave up and opted for court marriage today they are very happy even their parents has also accepted the marriage. In my case , my parents are mocking me for my feelings and emotionally abusing me and have crossed all their limits. They know my boyfriend from class 10th and their family too but the only issue is with then what others will say . My mother called my boyfriend and kept on saying leave me alone and in return my boyfriend said aunty I know this is the big thing we will not take any drastic step and without your approval we will not get married and I’m willing to wait for your daughter even if it is waiting for for 5-6 yrs . We both are doing pretty good in our career we both have been so focused with out life. But after this call she kept on saying he’s very manipulative as he did not disrespect my mother and as a result of this my mother and father kept on harassing me by saying ill and foul words to me. They are so lost in their ego that I am suffering from 104 degree fever and they are ignoring this fact kept on saying foul words to me. My mother day and night she’s entering my room is saying Every second I’m giving you baddua ( wishing something bad happen to me) . I put forth my point but they are not in state of listening and somewhere very unhappy that I’m not financially dependent on them so they are keep bashing my job. I have stopped talking to them regarding this topic and just having very minimal conversation with them and I’m not misbehaving with them for this also they are scolding me they want to act normally and come sit with them.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Inter-faith marriages are still unaccepted in many societies and the challenges that come with it are not just with family acceptance but adapting and adjusting to different cultures, tastes etc...
Yes, on the one hand, love does not have any boundaries BUT massive changes in society have still not taken place to accept inter-faith marriages and your parents also belong to that very same society that hinders more than supports.
It has come down to a choice for you now!
Family or your Love?
If you choose Family, all will be well except you and your boyfriend. It will be giving up what you dreamed of together.
If you choose Love, you can of course live life on your terms but your family may vow to never see you again (it seems evident from all the vibes at your home).
Since, you are financially independent, you are in a better position to decide BUT it is going to be a decision that will leave someone unhappy. Who that is going to be and whether you can harden yourself with it is the question!
Now, Family and Love can go hand in hand only when both integrate which means an uphill task for both sides to negotiate, navigate and live in harmony. If this can be achieved by some neutral person bringing both sides together, please attempt this first before making a final decision. But make the choice soon, so there is a resolution either way.

All the best!

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |645 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 30, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 30, 2024Hindi
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Dear Madam, Iam a 45 year old woman. Ever since I was a kid I had went through lot of bullying by my rekatives for the way I look but my parents never supported me in any way instead found fault in ne for complaining but would always support my younger brother. Somewhere down the line I thought this was all I deserved and let oeople walk all over me without standing up for myself. Now that Iam a mother myself of a 15 year old kid with dyskexia, i have sacrificed my career fir his sake and still get bullied by my relatives dir being a useless house wife. I have started drawing boundaries around me to protect my mental sanity and allow only few people in it which invludes a small group of friends and my son and husband. I avoid making new friends. I have also stopped attending any social events that involves my relatives. Meanwhile I have started deeply resenting my parents who want ne to take care of them but openly favour my brother who lives abroad. I have taken care of them everytime they require neducal treatments yet my father openly says that he plans to give all his property to my brother who is never coming back. Its not about the money here but the apathy they have towards me that kills me from inside. I have tried to talk to them multiple times but each time my mother creates a scene and puts the enture blame on me. For once in my life i want my parents to love me unconditionally the way I do with my son. Am i wrong to expect that? This is causung lot of health issues in me. Please advise.
Ans: First and foremost, it's crucial to recognize that your feelings are valid. It's natural to want love and support from your parents, especially after all you've done for them. It's not wrong to expect unconditional love from your family; however, sometimes, unfortunately, families can be complex and dysfunctional, and our expectations may not always be met.

Drawing boundaries and prioritizing your mental health and well-being is a positive step. It's essential to protect yourself from toxic relationships and environments, even if it means distancing yourself from certain family members. Surrounding yourself with supportive friends and loved ones, like your son and husband, is vital for your emotional health.

Regarding your parents, it's clear that their behavior is hurtful and unjust. It's understandable that you would feel hurt and resentful toward them, given their favoritism towards your brother and lack of appreciation
for your sacrifices and care. However, it's also essential to recognize that you cannot control their actions or attitudes. You can only control how you respond to them.

While it's challenging, try to approach conversations with your parents from a place of empathy and understanding. Express your feelings calmly and assertively, focusing on how their actions make you feel rather than blaming them. It's possible that they may not even realize the extent of the hurt they're causing you. However, it's also essential to set realistic expectations. If your parents continue to be unsupportive or dismissive, it may be necessary to limit your interactions with them for the sake of your own well-being.

Remember to prioritize self-care and seek support from a therapist or counselor if you're struggling with your mental health. It's okay to seek professional help to navigate through these difficult emotions and experiences. You deserve love, respect, and validation, and it's essential to surround yourself with people who uplift and support you.

Lastly, continue to cherish the love and bond you have with your son and husband. They are your pillars of support, and together, you can navigate through these challenges. You're stronger than you realize, and you have the power to create a fulfilling and loving life for yourself, regardless of the negativity from others.

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Anu Krishna  |1745 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 27, 2024Hindi
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Hello I have a strained relationship with my parents. I am 44 years old woman and married late. And now have twins who are 7 years old. Before entering this marriage, I was working and paid 50% of the earnings to my parents. And tried managing with rest 50% by paying home loan, food and others. It was very difficult but at times, i couldnnot manage on my own as the finances were tight and couldnnot save anything. Later, I took a break from work due to my love marriage and had to settle in a rural place where job opportunities were unavailable. I started a school but things did not go well and had to shut down due to covid. My money which I received from PF, gratuity all had vanished due to the school and my husband business also got into troubles and has no support from families. We were almost on roads and did not have any help. It was difficult to manage with twins. Then, i started with 5 freelancer jobs and made one lakh a month which was needed to support my family. In the interim, i got a good job at Chennai and moved with my husband. He too got a job in a start up and moved with me. His being a work from home could manage my twins while they were at home. While we started earning, again my parents started asking for money and I stopped supporting them, as my sister had started giving them money every month while i got married. My sister is well settled and runs a company abroad. I had got into a job and just settling down and did not want to take pressure again. I have my children and need to save for our retirement too. So, i started saving penny by penny. And due to not supporting my parents they do not talk to me at all. I too stopped as I thought it's better to be far with peace of mind rather than have frequent heart aches. Husband side story is that..after business got lost due to covid, his mother filed case against us stating that my husband brought loss to the business and need to step away and filed an injunction case against us. So, we could neither go to our property or restart business. As such, the case is moving and no relationship with my inlaw. But I always feel when children have holidays ...and children have been unaware of the relationship of grandparents and they yearn to be with them. They are growing up without any love of grandparents and they seem to understand. At time, I feel to help my family but I am scared as they will start squeezing me totally and I will be left with no savings. At this age, I have started to save and need it for our future. Am I doing it right
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Oh, yes, you are thinking and doing the right thing.
You have done what needs to be done for parents when you could and if by not supporting them with money now has made them judge you and distance you, then well, what can you do?
Yes, it's unfortunate that your children don't have the opportunity to get the love and attention of their grandparents, but if you look at how immature they have been and dragging you and your husband down, it's better to keep the children away from all this drama until things settle.
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Asked by Anonymous - Mar 09, 2025Hindi
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Ans: It’s clear that you and your partner love each other deeply and are willing to stand by each other despite this turmoil. The fact that his family is now hesitant is understandable, given the hostility from your parents. But the strength you and your partner have shown through this is a sign that your relationship is built on trust and commitment. That kind of connection is rare, and it’s worth fighting for.

Elope? That’s a huge step, and I understand why it’s crossed your mind. You’re desperate for freedom, for the ability to choose your own life, and to finally break free from the suffocating grip of your parents' control. But eloping will come with its own set of consequences—emotional, social, and even legal. Your parents might retaliate even more aggressively. They could try to interfere with your life and your partner's life afterward, possibly dragging this into a public scandal. Your father’s influence in the community might make things harder for you both in the long run.

But here’s the truth—you cannot live the rest of your life under someone else's control. You cannot sacrifice your happiness and autonomy to satisfy their misguided expectations. Love and marriage are not about caste, status, or parental approval—they are about partnership, understanding, and mutual respect. If your partner is ready to stand by you and you both are truly prepared to face the fallout together, then choosing to be with him is not wrong. You’re both adults. You’re financially independent and emotionally mature enough to know what you want from life.

What you need to consider is whether you have the emotional strength to handle the aftermath. If you choose to walk away from your family and marry this man, it might mean cutting ties with your parents for a while—or possibly forever. Are you prepared for that emotional void? On the other hand, if you give in and stay, if you let them force you into an arranged marriage, you might lose not only the person you love but also a piece of yourself. That resentment and emotional wound might stay with you for life.

If you decide to elope, you need to have a strong support system in place—your partner's family, friends, and anyone who will stand by you. You’ll need to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the fallout. But if you decide to stay and try to negotiate with your parents, you need to be clear and firm about your boundaries. They need to understand that your life is not theirs to control.

Right now, you need to prioritize your safety and mental well-being. The fact that you’ve been physically assaulted and emotionally manipulated for months is deeply concerning. If you feel that your safety is at risk, you might need to consider reaching out to legal authorities or a women's support organization. You have the right to live without fear and control. Your life belongs to you—not to your parents, not to societal expectations, and not to fear.

You don’t have to have all the answers today. But you do need to decide what kind of life you want to live—and who you want to live it with. And whatever choice you make, it needs to come from a place of strength and clarity, not from fear or pressure. Your heart already knows what you want—you just need to decide whether you’re ready to stand up for it.

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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10872 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 06, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 06, 2025Hindi
Money
Dear Sir/Ma'am, I need some guidance and advice for continuing my mutual fund investments. I am a 36 year old male, married, no kids yet and no debts/liabilities as such. I have couple of savings in PPF, NPS, Emergency funds and long term investing in direct stocks. I recently started below mentioned SIPs for long term to grow wealth. Request you to review the same and let me know if I should continue with the SIPs or need to rationalize. Kindly also advice on how to invest a lumpsum amount of around 6lacs. invesco small cap 2000 motilal oswal midcap 2700 parag parikh flexicap 3000 HDFC flexicap 3100 ICICI prudential largecap 3100 HDFC large and midcap 3100 HDFC gold etf FOF 2000 ICICI Pru equity and debt fund 3000 HDFC balanced advantage fund 3000 nippon india silver etf FOF 2000
Ans: You already built a solid foundation. Many investors delay planning. But you started early at 36. That gives you a strong advantage. You have no liabilities. You have long term thinking. You also have diversified savings like PPF, NPS, Emergency funds and direct stocks. That shows clarity and discipline. This approach builds wealth with less stress over time.

You also started systematic investments in equity funds. That is a positive step. Your selection covers multiple categories like large cap, mid cap, small cap, flexi cap, hybrid and precious metals. So the intent is right. You are trying to create a broad portfolio. That gives balance.

» Your Portfolio Composition Understanding
Your current SIP list includes:

Small cap

Mid cap

Flexi cap

Large cap

Large and mid cap

Hybrid category

Gold and Silver FoF

Equity and Debt allocation fund

Dynamic hybrid fund

This shows you are trying to cover many segments. But too many categories can create overlap. When there is overlap, you get confusion during review. It also makes portfolio discipline difficult. You may think you are diversified. But the holdings inside may repeat. That reduces efficiency.

Your portfolio now looks like:

Equity dominant

Hybrid for stability

Metals for hedge

So the broad direction is fine. But simplifying helps in long-term habit building.

» Fund Category Duplication
You hold:

Two flexi cap funds

One large and mid cap fund

One pure large cap fund

One mid cap fund

One small cap fund

Flexi cap funds already invest across large, mid, small. Then large and mid also overlaps. So the large cap exposure gets repeated. That may not add extra benefit. But it increases monitoring complexity.

So I suggest rationalising. Keep one fund per category in core. Keep satellite space for only high conviction.

» Core and Satellite Strategy
A structured portfolio follows core and satellite method.

Core portfolio should be:

Simple

Long term

Stable

Satellite portfolio can be:

High growth

Concentrated

Based on your thinking level, you can structure like this:

Core funds:

One large cap

One flexi cap

One hybrid equity and debt fund

One balanced advantage type fund

Satellite funds:

One mid cap

One small cap

One metal allocation if needed

This division gives clarity. You can continue SIPs with review every year. No need to stop and restart often. That reduces behavioural mistakes.

» Your Current SIP List Review with Suggested Streamlining

You can consider continuing:

One flexi cap

One large cap

One mid cap

One small cap

One balanced advantage

One equity and debt hybrid

You may reconsider keeping both flexi caps and both gold silver funds. One of each category is enough. Because too many funds do not increase returns. It complicates tracking.

Precious metal funds should not be more than 5 to 7 percent in your portfolio. This is because metals are hedge assets. They do not create compounding like equity. They act as protection during cycles. So keep them small.

» How to Use the Rs 6 Lakh Lump Sum
You asked about lump sum investing. This is important. Lump sum should not go fully into equity at one time. Markets move in cycles. So use a staggered method. You can invest the lump sum through STP (Systematic Transfer Plan). You can keep the amount in a liquid fund and set STP toward your chosen growth funds over 6 to 12 months.

This reduces timing risk. It also creates discipline. So your Rs 6 lakh can be deployed gradually. You may use 50% towards core equity funds and 30% toward satellite growth category. The remaining 20% can go into hybrid category. This gives balance and comfort.

» Regular Funds Over Direct Funds
One important point many investors miss. Direct funds look cheaper. But they demand deep knowledge, discipline, and behaviour control. Most investors lose more through emotional selling and wrong timing than they save on expense ratio.

With regular funds through a Mutual Fund Distributor with Certified Financial Planner qualification, you get guidance, structure and correction. The advisory discipline protects you during market extremes. That is more valuable than a small saving in expense ratio.

A personalised planner also tracks portfolio drift, rebalancing need and category shifts. So regular fund investing gives long-term benefit and behaviour coaching.

» Actively Managed Funds over Index or ETF
Some investors choose index funds or ETF thinking they are simple and cheap. But they ignore drawbacks.

Index funds or ETF will not avoid weak companies in the index. They will invest whether the company grows or struggles. There is no fund manager decision making. So when markets are at peak, index funds continue aggressive exposure. In downturns also they fall fully. There is no cushion.

Actively managed funds work with research teams. They can avoid bad sectors. They can shift allocation based on market and economy. Over long term, this gives better alpha and stability. So continuing with actively managed funds creates better wealth compounding.

» SIP Continuation Strategy
Once the rationalisation is done, continue SIPs every month without interruption. Pause and restart behaviour damages compounding power. SIP works best when you go through all market cycles. You benefit more during corrections because cost averaging works.

So continue SIP amount. You can also review SIP increase every year based on income. Increasing SIP by 10 to 15 percent every year helps you reach large corpus faster.

» Asset Allocation Based Approach
One key point in wealth creation is having the right asset mix. Equity gives growth. Hybrid gives balance. Metals give hedge. Debt gives safety. Your asset allocation should stay aligned to your risk profile and time horizon.

Since you are young and have long term horizon, higher equity allocation is fine. But as time moves, rebalancing is important. Rebalancing protects gains and restores allocation.

So review your asset allocation every year or during major life events like child birth, home buying or retirement planning.

» Behaviour Management
Many portfolios fail not due to bad funds. They fail due to bad decisions. Selling during correction. Stopping SIP when market falls. Chasing past return performance. These mistakes reduce wealth.

Your discipline so far is good. Continue to stay patient during volatility. Equity rewards patience and time.

» Financial Goals Clarity
Since you have no children now, you can decide your long-term goals. Typical goals may include:

Retirement

Future child education

Dream lifestyle purchase

Health care reserves

When goals are clear, investment purpose becomes stronger. So you can map each fund category to goal horizon. Short-term goals should not use equity. Long-term goals should use equity with hybrid support.

» Role of Review and Monitoring
Review once in a year is enough. Frequent review can create anxiety. Annual review helps check:

Fund performance

Expense drift

Category relevance

Allocation balance

Then adjust only if needed. This progress helps you stay confident and aligned.

» Taxation Awareness
Equity mutual funds taxation rules are:

Short term (below one year holding) taxable at 20 percent

Long term (above one year holding) gains above Rs 1.25 lakh taxable at 12.5 percent

Debt mutual funds are taxed as per your income slab.

So always hold equity funds for long term. That reduces tax impact and gives better growth.

» SIP Increase Plan
You can create a simple plan to increase SIP over time. For example:

Increase SIP at every salary increment

Increase SIP during bonus time

Use rewards or extra income for investing

This habit accelerates wealth. So by the time you reach 45 to 50 years, your investments could reach a strong level.

» Insurance and Protection
Before investing large, ensure you have term insurance and health insurance. If not already done, it is important. Insurance protects wealth. Without insurance, even a small medical event can impact investment plan. So review this part also. Since you are married, cover both.

» Wealth Behaviour Mindset
You are already disciplined. Just keep these simple principles:

Invest without stopping

Review once a year

Avoid funds overlap

Follow asset allocation

Avoid reacting to media noise

This helps you reach long term milestones.

» Finally
You are on the right track. Only fine tuning and simplification is needed. Your discipline is visible. Your portfolio will grow well with structure, patience and periodic review. Use the Rs 6 lakh with STP approach. And continue SIP with rationalised categories.

With time and consistency, wealth creation becomes effortless and peaceful. You just need to stay committed and avoid overthinking during market movements.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Dr Dipankar Dutta  |1837 Answers  |Ask -

Tech Careers and Skill Development Expert - Answered on Dec 05, 2025

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Dear Sir, I did my BTech from a normal engineering college not very famous. The teaching was not great and hence i did not study well. I tried my best to learn coding including all the technologies like html,css,javascript,react js,dba,php because i wanted to be a web developer But nothing seem to enter my head except html and css. I don't understand a language which has more complexities. Is it because of my lack of experience or not devoting enough time. I am not sure. I did many courses online and tried to do diplomas also abroad which i passed somehow. I recently joined android development course because i like apps but the teaching was so fast that i could not memorize anything. There was no time to even take notes down. During the course i did assignments and understood the code because i have to pass but after the course is over i tend to forget everything. I attempted a lot of interviews. Some of them i even got but could not perform well so they let me go. Now due to the AI booming and job markets in a bad shape i am re-thinking whether to keep studying or whether its just time waste. Since 3 years i am doing labour type of jobs which does not yield anything to me for survival and to pay my expenses. I have the quest to learn everything but as soon as i sit in front of the computer i listen to music or read something else. What should i do to stay more focused? What should i do to make myself believe confident. Is there still scope of IT in todays world? Kindly advise.
Ans: Your story does not show failure.
It shows persistence, effort, and desire to improve.

Most people give up.
You didn’t.
That means you will succeed — but with the right method, not the old one.

...Read more

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