Recently, we got Engaged after a Courtship Period of 6 Months. Prior to this, my Fiancee had been in a Long Term Relationship, while I had never been into any Serious Romantic Relationship, apart from Platonic Friendship, with the Female Gender. Some 3 Months ago, my Fiancee confessed everything about her Past Relationship. Apparently, her Ex Boyfriend was quite Toxic. He used to Abuse her Emotionally but still Manipulate her into having Sexual Intercourse with him, which he was really good at. She also confessed that she enjoyed the Sexual Intimacy, even though she felt Emotionally invalidated in her previous Relationship. Apparently, their Relationship ended when she started being Assertive & tried taking a stand for herself. Then he Gaslighted her & Broke up the Relationship which was almost 5 years long. Initially, I felt uncomfortable hearing all these details from her as I was Virgin without any Prior Relationship Experience. But gradually, I began to Empathize with her. I appreciated her Honesty, as most other Women may not have Confessed all these before having an Arranged Marriage. Hence, I decided to Love her, without Judging her Past. Over the next 3 Months, we both became Emotionally close to each other & got Engaged with the Blessings of both Families. At the beginning of the Valentine's Week, I expressed my desire to lose my Virginity to her & also check our Sexual Compatibility, only if she's comfortable with it. She agreed & promised me that she would be taking the lead to ensure that my 'First Experience' would be memorable. On the 14th of February (Valentine's Day), she was the one who took me out on a Romantic Date, pampered me with Gifts, Treated me to exquisite Food & Drink. She had Pre-booked a Room in a Classy Hotel & had it arranged like it was meant for the First Night of a Just-Married Couple. We freshened up & got into the act. Initially, it was going great, but when we were in the middle of it, she started moaning the name of her Ex Boyfriend, in a Sub-conscious state. I was shocked & turned off. Immediately, I left the Hotel Room & went back Home & cried throughout the Night, thinking about my First Experience which was Ruined like this. The next day, she came over to meet me at my Place & gave me a Flower Bouquet with an Apology Note. My Heart wouldn't let me meet or talk with her. Hence, she expressed herself in Text. She profusely apologized for ruining my First Experience, though it was not intentional. She promised me that she would make up for this Bad Experience with a much better Experience, if I am willing to give her another chance. But I have a Gut Feeling that she was missing the Sexual Intimacy, which she used to enjoy with her Ex Boyfriend & that she can never Love me, as deeply as she Loved him, that she was unable to forget him even after going through an Abusive Relationship & a Traumatic Breakup. During the last 3 Months, I had treated gently with Empathy, showering her with Affection, so that she'd heal from her Past Relationship Trauma & I never tried to Pressurize her into having Sex with me, I just expressed my Desires & gave her the choice, whether or not to fulfill them. She seemed to have agreed, wholeheartedly. Several times, I asked her whether she was Physically, Mentally & Emotionally Prepared for it, just to Reassure myself that I am not being Manipulative like her Ex Boyfriend. Even if she had expressed 1% Uncertainty to go ahead, I wouldn't have insisted her & put it away to a later point of time, when she felt comfortable with me. She reassured me that she's completely ready & did all the Arrangements herself, which really touched my Heart as most other Girls expect the man to put in most of the efforts & feel as if they are doing him a Favour by 'giving him Sexual Pleasure'. But what happened on our First Night, Devastated me completely. Now I feel that she had been Faking it all the time. I told her clearly that I felt Cheated & that it would be Difficult for me to Trust her again. She excused herself saying that it was just a 'Mistake' & she didn't even consider it as 'Cheating' as it happened involuntarily. But I am Worried about such scenarios recurring after we get Married. What if she keeps thinking & fantasizing about her Ex Boyfriend, everytime we get Intimate? It would be as if, she's just present with me, physically but not Emotionally. It Would Ruin my Peace of Mind as I want to Enjoy a Blissful Sex Life with my Wife after getting Married. I am worried that this Incident may keep playing in my Subconscious Mind, everytime we get Intimate & that I'll never be able to enjoy Sexual Intimacy ever again. I told her that I am not really Sure about going ahead with the Marriage, but I am not able to discuss this matter with my Parents (or even her Parents) as they wouldn't approve of the Pre-marital Sex, which we engaged in. I am also Worried that even if I Cancel this Marriage, I may or may not get another Girl who's as good as this one & I am also worried about how the Next Girl would be Judging me, if I disclose all this to her. I am losing my Sleep over-thinking all this & unable to lead my Daily Life, Peacefully. Meanwhile, my Fiancee messages me several times every day, Requesting for another chance to Please me Sexually (in order to keep me attached to her, so that I don't try to Cancel the Marriage). I don't understand what to do, in this situation, Please advise me. Shall I Cancel the Marriage? What shall we tell our Parents? Or does she really Deserve another Chance?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
First of all, I am really sorry you are going through such a tough time. Secondly, from all the details you have given, you were certainly not manipulative. Now coming to your query, I understand that it can be very difficult to discuss such an intimate moment with parents or make them understand why you decided to break things off, but if that is the only thing holding you off, I would say it's better to have a few uncomfortable discussions than a lifetime of wondering "if your wife is thinking about her ex." And even if she does not, would you ever truly believe that? You have two options- either you postpone the wedding and ask for some time to figure things out, in the meanwhile seek couples' counseling and see if this is a compatible match, or you completely rethink the alliance. After all, it is a matter of your entire life. The one thing I would definitely suggest is not to make hasty decisions or decisions based on "will I find someone else?" These both will make you make choices that are made in desperation. Remember it is better to be alone than in an unhappy and lonely marriage. And why would anyone judge you? You are not in the wrong here.
One more thing, as far as telling your parents is concerned, you can cite a reason like "compatibility issues which are slightly personal." I am sure they won't press on it. But please do not rush into anything.
Hope this helps.
Question by Vibha on Jun 25, 2024Hindi
