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Dr Ashish Sehgal  |119 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 27, 2023

Ashish Sehgal has over 20 years of experience as a counsellor. He holds a doctorate in neuro linguistic programming, mental health and social welfare.He is certified in neurolinguistics by both the Society of NLP and the American Board of NLP.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Feb 09, 2023Hindi
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Relationship

Hi ... I got married 16 years back and it was an arranged one. Before marriage, I barely got to know her and within a few weeks of marriage I knew that we are very different people and there is very little we have in common. However, I felt, with time we might develop similar interests but unfortunately we have only drifted apart. We don't get along with each other, she suffers from an inferiority complex and hates everyone on my side of the family. She doesn't get along with her own parents as well. Marriage has been hell but I have been silently enduring it for the sake of our son, who is 15 now. Around 4 years back I fell in love with a colleague and she loves me back. She is married herself and has a young kid. Her husband is a decent chap but I guess they've grown apart. For me, the last 4 years have been the best years of my life. She is everything I have always looked for in a partner and I feel destiny has played an extremely cruel joke on me. She is also bound by her commitment to her family even though she loves me dearly. I don't know what to do.

Ans: Hello, I understand that you've been going through a tough time in your marriage. It's difficult to be in a relationship where you and your partner have grown apart and don't have much in common.

It's important to acknowledge that cheating on your spouse is not a solution to this problem. It can cause pain and damage to everyone involved, including your son and the woman you're having an affair with.

Instead of pursuing a relationship with your colleague, I suggest focusing on repairing your marriage. It's okay to seek help from a couples counselor or therapist who can assist you and your wife in working through your differences and improving communication.

It's also important to address the issues with your wife's self-esteem and her strained relationships with your family and her own parents. These are problems that can be resolved with the assistance of a professional therapist.

Ultimately, whether you decide to stay in your marriage or leave is up to you. However, please consider the impact that a divorce may have on your son and your family as a whole. It's important to approach this situation with care and sensitivity and to make a decision that is in everyone's best interest.

Remember that there is hope for a better future. With effort and time, it is possible to repair a struggling marriage and find happiness with your spouse.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1600 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 13, 2022

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Hi I have been married to my college mate for more than 11 years now with a girl child of 8+ years.Wife and I were good friend for 2 years followed by live in for 4 years before we got married. We got into marriage unprepared financially and mentally.My wife is a great responsible caring person -- way more mature than I am. I am a bit childish and emotional, very talkative and expressive person.When I travelled to another city after 5 years of marriage for higher studies, I got involved with another girl. We were very much alike in terms of personalities. We could talk endlessly and were very compatible in all sense. We even got physical and felt like we’d never had this experience before. The thing is she too was recently married to another person quite like my wife.We tried to get separated from our previous relationships but the girl’s family couldn't bear the family pressure and her husband though good otherwise took this on his ego.I waited for 3 years for her to come out.In the mean time I was almost on the verge of breaking my marriage because whatever connection I had with my wife had almost come down to negligible.That girl too had to be in that forcible relationship with no connection at all and had to adopt a child to survive the dead relationship.I got into a messy situation too -- a marriage with no connection but a lovely child.I have a connection with that girl but without living together.I don’t know if I can start a new life and if I do, how much I will be involved with it. Absolutely messed up emotionally and physically. Although my wife and I are financially stable as both of us are officers.That girl too is a medical practitioner but I have no idea if she will ever be able to come out. Plz tell me what to do.I prayed a lot, read lots of books, tried meditation, counselling, still I am in the middle of nowhere.
Ans:

Dear HK,

Why exactly did you feel the need to get into a relationship with another person?

Did your current relationship lack anything that the other relationship was fulfilling you with?

How exactly did the relationship with your wife deteriorate? Did the two of you make efforts to communicate enough in that long distance relationship?

How do you say your marriage is one without connection? How did you lose that connection?

Now, do you plan on continuing in your marriage or move on? If you have decided to move on, isn’t it time for you to come out to your wife and share what has happened?

These questions are possibly ones that are very difficult to face and answer as they bring out the truth; but they will help you get a better grasp of the situation.

It’s nice to live an alternate reality life for some time and relish the goodness but coming back to your real life that holds the ‘real you’ and your responsibilities isn’t something that can be ignored any longer. So, as much as you feel that you are in the middle of nowhere, I see no mention of what your wife must be feeling right at this very moment.

It would help to put things in perspective and talk this out as adults, (and yes, you do owe her that) so that both of you can come to an amicable decision to live more peacefully.

All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1600 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 03, 2023

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I'M 40 years old man, i have had troubled childhood. I faced abuse from my elder brother who later on developed mental health issues whiich broughg lot of stress to the family. I worked very hard to achieve reasonable professional success but my personal life has been very difficult. I got married with lot of difficulty despite being well placed professionally and decent looks. It was an arranged marriage but things went bad after a year. I caught my wife having an affair with her ex but i fogave her for the sake of myndaugher who was just 1 year old then. She keept on having flings with gym instructor and later on her colleagues which i dont have any proof of. She would humilate me in front of my maid driver and other people. But i wanted ti save my marriage for the sake of my daughter who was only 4-5 years old then. Finally she started asking me for divorce after every trivial fights. Fed up i finally agreed and we separated in 2021 November. During that time i came in contact with my school friend. She proposed to me during our school days but due to stress at home and other issues i said no but i always liked her. When we started talking around December 2021 and we realized we still love each other after 20 years. But problem was though i was divorced she was still married and she is from a different religion. She is trying hard to get separated from her husband but her family being very conservative is not allowing her to do so. I'm stuck with her emotionally. Now my ex-wife has started approaching me for reconciliation. Im totally confused now what should i do? Should i wait for my friend knowing that chances are very slim that her family would leave her. Or should i patch up with my exwife for the sake of my daughter. I dont feel any emotional connection with my exwife now as she was never nice to me. But my parents are telling me to go for patch up. They are nkt aware about my school friend and i doubt they would approve her due to religious beliefs. Pls guide me I'm totally confused. Thanks A confused Homo Sapiens
Ans: Dear Pratik,
At this point in time, choose neither. You need space to clear your head first.
Too many emotional situations to jump into one more...Give yourself time to figure out what is that you want out of life?
Do you want to get into another commitment in a short gap? It could be an attraction on a rebound as well; so take time to figure these things out well before you decide to patch up or wait for your friend.
You deserve this time off, to make sure that you not only heal from the marriage but also put things in perspective.
So no need to bring on a new confusion for the time being till you get strong enough in the mind to decide the next course of your life. Making a choice right now means you will be bringing in more confusions of either of the two women into your life as well. So, PAUSE and take this time...

Best wishes!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1600 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 08, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 07, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
Hi. I am 41 year male married since last 15 years. I have a 8 year old daughter. My relationship with my wife isn't great as far as I am concerned. She was busy with her job and raising our daughter and while doing so could not focus much on our relationship. Our physical interaction almost stopped after our child birth and since last 5 years we never had intercourse. I engaged myself in casual relationship with few colleagues of mine and life was going on like that. But in 2021 , I engaged myself with another female colleague of mine and with her , I feel like what I have never ever felt with any other woman. I can't let her go. I long to meet her. I feel sad when she is away. And it's been 3 years. She loves me very much and I love her too. My wife got a wind of it and now she is trying hard to make up for the lost time and efforts. My wife loves me too. I don't want to separate from her because though she wasn't a great partner but she did manage our house and daughter diligently. Moreover, I don't want my daughter suffer too. She deserves both her parents. So, I discussed this with my wife and told her that , I believe we can't be a great couple but we can at least be good parents. Allow me to spend some time with my female colleague and let's continue as we have been doing since last decade. But she is not accepting this. And I can't let my colleague go. I do love her. She also loves me and is not inclined towards settling with me as she is married too and has 2 kids. Kindly suggest what to do.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
There is some sort of trend of stepping out of marriage when physical needs are not met within the marriage. It's the easiest way out!
Why is it so hard to figure out what is happening when one of the partners in the marriage is not interested in intimacy?
Why doesn't the other partner try to understand, accept and work with the partner who is struggling through something?
And this goes for the husband and wife and partners within a relationship.

It isn't something written in stone that sex 'MUST' be a part of marriage BUT it certainly is a pillar to creating a stronger relationship. So, why assume and go searching for it? Then you will have all reasons to justify why you did it and how your partner is responsible for it.
Now, you are in a soup with two women vying for your time and attention. And with children involved, things only get complicated. Yes, your wife feels that it his her right to be in your life and your question is: where was she all these years? My question is: why did you stop trying all these years to put things together?

My suggestion: As much as you want to be in the other lady's life, she is clear that she does not want to settle with you. You are also clear that you don't want to separate from your wife but you want her to accept the other lady. Doesn't it seem highly impractical to you?

Before you end up hurting someone or yourself, do what's right for everyone and especially the children. They don't deserve a set of parents that is confused. Good people who come into our lives can end up becoming good friends as well.

All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1600 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 31, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I have been married for 12 years and I have a son. Ever since the birth of our son, my relationship with my wife is slowly deteriorating. We fight a lot and we do not agree in almost all the issues. There is no intimacy - physical or emotional. However, I feel responsible for her. I know she loves me and I also know that she will be destroyed emotionally if I decided to separate. I love a girl who is on the verge of her divorce. With her I really find that I have finally found a soulmate. Until recently she was fine with my situation, but recently she mentioned that she is not ready to continue as we are and she wants me exclusively. I am now torn in two worlds - one where I finally find love and intimacy which I lacked, other where I feel responsible and I will feel guilty if I decide to separate. Can you please advise me?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Many couples find a similar challenge of sexual intimacy after having children. It requires the couple to communicate with one another and much before experiencing the childhood phase. The husband and wife are not even aware of how life is going to change with a new-born with waking nights and caring for the child 24*7.
And slowly this change becomes a cause for misunderstanding between the couple and small fights lead to bigger disappointments. Here is where the gap widens...the gap is easily not available for other people to step in which is what has happened in your case.
And then the adventure has become a nightmare with the other lady demanding her pound of flesh. Think wisely...you have a wife and a family and a responsibility that comes along with it. Isn't it possible to work on the issues that you and your wife had? You ran away from the issues only to find solace externally. How is the new relationship going to work? The same issues may crop up somewhere there too...Make a wise choice...Fill that gap with understanding, love and trust!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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