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Can I trust my wife who talks to a 'honey'-calling womanizer?

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |431 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jul 23, 2024

Ravi Mittal is an expert on dating and relationships.
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Asked by Anonymous - Jun 25, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Me and my wife are happily married for 10 years and having a twins 4 years before. This incident happened 8 years ago, when my wife and her cousin visited the home town for a temple function they reconnected with this guy who is their old friend ( a distinct relative also), this person had an interest on my wife before marriage and my wife rejected. Now this person is married and having one kid. when they reconnected my wife's cousin used to do conference calls along with this person and my wife. My wife asked me is it ok to talk. i said yes it is fine but just maintain a healthy boundary. So she wont attend all the calls from them. Attended some conference calls for 5 to 15 min and dropped the call saying my husband don't like me in phone too much. this happened weekly once or twice for 2 month(maximum 10 calls). they also had a watsapp group, in that they had friendly chat between them, mostly between wife's cousin and that person. My wife's reply was very less. but when i was going through the messages they are not flirty messages, there i saw my wife saying very positive about our relationship and her cousin also agreed to that saying they are the best couples. but that person has addressed my wife's cousin and my wife occasionally as honey and dear. but both of them ignored and not asked them to stop calling like that. when i checked this with my wife she said that person calls everyone as honey/dear even her sisters and other cousin. Even he calls my wife's mother sometimes honey (she is very aged 60 years).it is habitual for him so she found no meaning in that and she is not bothered to correct that. this is not even a issue for her that's why she did not discuss this with me. that's why she ignored. i asked her to stop talking to him. My wife told she already stopped talking with him as he tried to make personal calls as she did not like it. that time the wats group also not active so she exited from the group and blocked his number. Recently we came to know that one of the relative girl got into affair with this person and this person got divorced due to that. 1. Does the words like honey can be used in friendly way. i have many friends in other gender i never used honey even though i used 'dear' occasionally. As he used this word with my wife, Does this make my wife less pure than other women. Is this cheating ? 2. I cant come in to terms with the fact my wife talked to a person who is a womanizer. does this affect my wife's reputation in the society. they never met in person other than this temple function reconnect.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,

Let me address your queries one by one.
1. Yes, honey or dear can be friendly too. I cannot tell for sure if he was being friendly or flirty, but these are very common terms.
2. How can him calling your wife, or him being of questionable character make your wife “less pure than other women”? I am not sure how these two are even connected. She spoke highly about your relationship, never engaged in one-on-one conversation with the guy, and even stopped talking to him when he tried to call her separately. What is making you question your wife’s character still?
3. No. This isn’t cheating. Not on your wife’s part. Maybe the man did not have good intentions, but your wife did not indulge him. Even if we look at it from 100 different angles, this is not cheating.
4. When your wife spoke to him, none of you knew about his affair and his character. Then how is she responsible for it? And how is she responsible for his misdeeds anyway?
5. No, this does not affect your wife’s reputation in the society. Again, ask yourself, what is her fault in all of this? You are yourself saying they never met in person, never had a one-off conversation, etc.
Please understand that this man’s behavior is a reflection of his character, not your wife’s. It’s unfair of you to blame her or doubt her.

Hope this helps.

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |431 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Dec 08, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 07, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
I am 40 year old and married for 14 years but what happened in 2011 was me n my wife was working in a same company and my wife became close to a colleague on the same floor we work. She was very friendly n one day her colleague proposed her via her friend my wife didn't tell me n she felt very excited about it and after she became very friendly with him after few days she was ignoring me and she expressed her feelings too.but soon she realised she is going wrong and i noticed her changed behaviour and soon she started ignoring tht guy but he came n offered her chocolate and my wife informed me saying this guy's intentions I ask her to tie raakhi she tried but he was running away later we logged out she asked me to stop him and I forced him to him to tie raakhi and my wife was tying and he said I love u. I gve a tight slap to tht guy. Soon after he left the job. We were still working and left the office n joined different companies.after 6 months she went to same office for 2 months. And suddenly she left the job.Now after 12 years her TL met with my ex colleague and shared he working in tht office my colleague asked hey in tht same office my friend was working with his wife and her TL said ohh yeah his wife had n affair with other guy and he asked his wife to raakhi. And my ex colleague called me n said the same to me and since then I have so many doubts on my wife and after few days she confessed she had feelings for him and she already knew he likes her and she said it was just a feeling. Now we are having difference between us. Please help what can be done now I'm getting disturbed alot. 12 years this was secret.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry to hear that you are facing such issues. Doubt is very destructive in a relationship. It's important to have an open and honest conversation with your partner regarding what happened in the past. Don't push her to give you all the details; it will not contribute positively to your well-being. Aim for a more balanced and productive discussion.

You have to recognize that all these happened many years back. It's in the past. And you cannot change it. While it's essential to acknowledge and understand them, dwelling on them may impact your peace of mind. Focus on the present and try to build a more transparent and communicative relationship in the present. Take this opportunity to work together and strengthen your marriage.

Best Wishes!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1321 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 25, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Me and my wife are happily married for 10 years and having a twins 4 years before. This incident happened 8 years ago, when my wife and her cousin visited the home town for a temple function they reconnected with this guy who is their old friend ( a distinct relative also), this person had an interest on my wife before marriage and my wife rejected. Now this person is married and having one kid. when they reconnected my wife's cousin used to do conference calls along with this person and my wife. My wife asked me is it ok to talk. i said yes it is fine but just maintain a boundary. So she wont attend all the calls from them. Attended some conference calls for 5 to 15 min and drop the call saying my husband don't like me in phone too much. this happens weekly once or twice for 2 month. they also had a watsapp group, in that they had friendly chat between them, mostly between wife's cousin and that person. My wife reply was very less. but when i was going through the messages they are not flirty messages, there i saw my wife saying very positive about our relationship and her cousin also agreed to that saying they are the best couples. but that person has addressed my wife's cousin and my wife occasionally as honey and dear. but both of them ignored and not asked them to stop calling like that. when i checked this with my wife she said that person calls everyone as honey/dear even her sisters and other cousin.it is habitual for him so she found no meaning in that and she is not bothered to correct that. thats why she ignored. i asked her to stop talking to him. My wife told she already stopped talking with him as he tried to make personal calls as she did not like it. that time the wats group also not active so she exited from the group and blocked his number. Recently we came to know that one of the relative girl got into affair with this person and this person got divorced due to that 1. Does words like honey can be used in friendly way. i have many freinds in other gender i never used honey even though i used 'dear' occassionaly. As he used this word with my wife, Does this make my wife less pure than other women's. is this cheating ? 2. I cant come in to terms with the fact my wife talked to a person who is a womanizer. does this affect my wife's reputation in the society. they never met in person other than this temple function reconnect.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
What is cheating and what is not is purely based on the Book of Rules that each of us have within us; it comes from the way we have been raised on a diet of 'right' and 'wrong' AND from our own experiences.
While validating whether a particular rule works well or not, just put in into context and see it.
- Does that rule keep you away from actually seeing things more openly?
- Does that rule keep you occupied with small things that hold no value?

I guess, you must think of it: is this really cheating? When your wife says that she has stopped talking to him, what makes you still obsess over it?
Also, her rule book says that 'honey' and 'dear' might not be a big thing...Plus, how can she control what another person says...yes, she could have objected and she didn't but not that she played on it.

See, the second doubts have crept in, the mind goes all over the place...even if there are no flirty messages, you will still find something problematic to confirm that what you were thinking in the first place.
So, maybe you need to look within to understand if there are jealousies and insecurities within you and that is what is occupying your mind. If Yes, then address this; speak with your wife and it's fine to tell her that you feel hurt and that you don't like it. When you are frank, a lot of things get sorted out...she may very well understand your point of view...and on your part, as you have said: she used to reply less and not respond much to him...
Do you want unnecessary thoughts drive a wedge in your marriage? Speak it out and things fall in place...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |431 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 22, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
A bit long story I'm 21 student preparing for medical competative entrance exam for past 3 years (21-24).2 year ago this phase I was in a long distance relationship for 4 months with a girl I met in my class .But it didn't last long due to the problems created due to distance as she couldn't understand myself and I couldn't understand herself.so there was a misunderstanding and I couldn't hold on as I was in heavy pressure by exams and financial problems.so I couldn't handle and I felt like too early and broke up with her by losing my mind.she was completely disappointed as I didn't speak to her for more than an year due to one more year preparation.i missed her very much but I didnt tell her.I missed govt seat in border mark and the same year she got into a relationship with another guy in her class.i don't blame her. But I feel like my entire life is shattered and I couldn't move on from that girl till now.I couldn't concentrate on my career too.im kind of person who is always confident in all aspects but I have totally lost my mind .I can see that in an danger situation as age is running and family pressure, everyone of my classmates are far ahead of me I couldn't withstand this situation and couldn't make proper decision in any aspect. Mam please help me out.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand your concerns. The first step is to focus on moving on; she has, and you should too. Prioritize your career, your family, and your future. Next, what has happened to your career progress has already happened. It's unfortunate, but there's no way to change that. But give yourself a second chance; work harder and achieve greater things than you even imagined before. Trust me, you are not the only person who is standing in a situation like this. Many have, and many more will. But the ones who have passed this time will give you the same advice that I did.

Best Wishes.

...Read more

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |682 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Nov 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 13, 2024Hindi
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Money
Sir, I am 40yrs old. Having monthly takehome salary of 1.1 lakh and rental income of 36000. My investment are 2 flats worth of 1cr. 4 plots in Bhubaneswar worth of 2crs. EPF balance 50 lakh, LIC policies worth of 16 lakhs, NPS worth of 10 lakhs. My monthly saving commitments are - EPF (employee+employer) 28000 NPS 15000 MF 7500 Gold scheme 5000 Financial burden - HL emi of 24000 Monthly expanses 50000 I would like to retire at 50. Please advise for retirement plan with life expectancy of 80yrs.
Ans: Hello;

The value of your investments after 10 years;

A. EPF Corpus+Contribution: 1.6 Cr
B. NPS Corpus+Contribution: 53 L
C. MF(sip) + Gold(sip): 25 L
D. Real estate (land): 3.26 Cr

So sum of A, C & D gives us a corpus of 5.11 Cr

Since you will withdraw NPS before 60 age 80% of corpus will go into annuity while 20% will be available to you.

So you may expect monthly income of around 21 K from annuity(42.4 L).

Balance 10.6 L get added to 5.11L taking your total corpus to ~ 5.2 Cr.

If you invest 5 Cr in a conservative hybrid debt fund and do a SWP at the rate of 3%, you may expect a monthly income of around 1.1 L(post-tax).

Add your monthly rental income of 36 K(No growth factored) and annuity income of 21 K to this and you have total monthly income of 1.67 L after 10 years.

Your current monthly expenses of 50 K after 10 years would be around 90 K and 1.6 L after 20 years.

Considering return of around 7-7.5% from the conservative hybrid debt fund you will still generate inflation adjusted return at 3% SWP after 80 years of age.

Assumptions:
Inflation rate-6%
Return from EPF-8%
Return from NPS-9%
Return from MF-10%
Return from gold-7%
Return from Land-5%
Annuity rate-6%

The spare flat is not considered in this because it will continue to yield you rental income in retirement.

Since real estate(land) returns may fluctuate over 10 years suggest to increase MF sip(6X) as a back-up, also in this case you may decide to retain & invest in NPS upto 60 age.

Of course MF returns are also not assured but you are improving the odds by backing two appreciable assets(RE & equity) over long-term.

Happy Investing;
X: @mars_invest

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7101 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 22, 2024

Money
My age 62, male, getting rental income Rs. 90k nett. Already subscribing 12.5k in PPF for the past 2 1/2 years. No other investments. My target is 5 crores in 10 years. I already have Mediclaim Rs.50 lakhs for me & wife . Please advice me what to do.
Ans: Your current financial foundation is strong and shows promise:

A rental income of Rs. 90,000 per month provides consistent and predictable cash flow. This stability can serve as the backbone for your investment strategy.

PPF contributions of Rs. 12,500 per month for 2.5 years reflect disciplined saving. However, its returns may be insufficient to achieve a high-growth target like Rs. 5 crores in 10 years.

A robust Mediclaim policy of Rs. 50 lakhs for you and your wife ensures adequate health coverage. This safeguard allows you to focus on wealth-building without worrying about medical emergencies.

Despite these positive factors, achieving Rs. 5 crores in 10 years requires a carefully crafted and growth-oriented strategy.

Defining and Prioritising Your Financial Goals
Achieving Rs. 5 crores is ambitious yet achievable with a focused approach:

Define this target as your primary financial goal over the next decade.

Break it into manageable milestones: for example, Rs. 50 lakhs every 1-2 years in cumulative investments and growth.

Prioritise high-return investments that align with your risk tolerance and financial capacity.

Optimising Existing PPF Contributions
While PPF is a secure investment, its growth potential is limited:

Returns: PPF currently offers an interest rate of approximately 7-7.5%, which barely outpaces inflation.

Contribution Review: Consider capping your PPF contributions at Rs. 1.5 lakh annually (to utilise the Section 80C benefit). This ensures that excess funds are redirected to higher-return investments.

PPF can serve as a low-risk component of your portfolio but should not dominate your investment strategy.

Building a Diversified Investment Portfolio
A diversified portfolio will provide a balance of risk and reward. Include the following components:

1. Equity Mutual Funds for Growth
Equity mutual funds are essential for achieving high returns over the long term:

Large-Cap Funds: These invest in established companies and offer stability with moderate growth. They are ideal for a portion of your portfolio to reduce risk.

Multi-Cap or Flexi-Cap Funds: These provide exposure to companies of all sizes, offering growth and diversification.

Sectoral and Thematic Funds: Avoid these unless you have a high risk tolerance and understand market dynamics.

ELSS Funds: These not only provide tax savings under Section 80C but also deliver market-linked returns.

Why Avoid Index Funds?

Index funds may offer simplicity and lower expense ratios, but they lack flexibility. They cannot adapt to market conditions or capitalise on outperforming sectors. Actively managed funds, on the other hand, have the potential to outperform the market, especially in a developing economy like India.

Start with a Systematic Investment Plan (SIP) in selected funds to build wealth steadily.

2. Debt Mutual Funds for Stability
Debt funds add stability to your portfolio and reduce overall risk:

Choose funds with low credit risk and moderate duration to ensure safety and predictable returns.

Debt funds are suitable for short- to medium-term goals or as a fallback during market corrections.

Taxation Note: Both LTCG and STCG on debt funds are taxed as per your income tax slab. This should be factored into your planning.

3. Balanced Advantage Funds
Balanced advantage funds (BAFs) dynamically allocate assets between equity and debt. They:

Provide exposure to equity while minimising downside risk.

Offer a suitable option for someone nearing retirement but seeking growth.

4. Gold Investments for Diversification
Allocate a small portion (5-10%) of your portfolio to gold:

Gold serves as a hedge against inflation and currency depreciation.

Choose gold ETFs or sovereign gold bonds for ease of liquidity and better returns.

Emergency Fund Creation
Having an emergency fund is non-negotiable:

Maintain at least 6-12 months of expenses in liquid investments like liquid mutual funds or high-interest savings accounts.

This ensures liquidity for unforeseen events without disturbing your long-term investments.

Focus on Retirement Planning
At 62, balancing growth and safety becomes critical:

Estimate your monthly retirement expenses, considering inflation over the next 10-15 years.

Your target of Rs. 5 crores should primarily serve as your retirement corpus.

Allocate assets thoughtfully:

60-70% in equity funds for growth.
30-40% in debt funds for stability.
Periodically rebalance your portfolio to maintain this allocation.

Strategic Tax Planning
Tax efficiency can significantly impact your returns:

Continue using Section 80C to its full potential, including ELSS funds and PPF.

Consider the National Pension System (NPS) for an additional Rs. 50,000 deduction under Section 80CCD(1B).

Be mindful of the new taxation rules for mutual funds:

Equity Mutual Funds: LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%; STCG at 20%.
Debt Funds: LTCG and STCG are taxed as per your income slab.
Consult a Certified Financial Planner to optimise your tax strategy.

Regular Portfolio Monitoring and Rebalancing
Investing is not a one-time activity:

Review your portfolio every six months or annually to track performance.

Rebalance your asset allocation periodically to align with your financial goals and risk appetite.

Stay committed to SIPs even during market downturns, as this ensures cost-averaging.

Additional Suggestions
Avoid Over-Reliance on PPF
While PPF is safe, it is not sufficient for wealth creation. Shift excess contributions to equity-based investments for better returns.

Avoid Direct Stocks
Direct equity investing requires time, expertise, and constant monitoring. It carries higher risk and may lead to losses without proper research. Instead, rely on equity mutual funds managed by professionals.

Avoid Mixing Insurance and Investments
Do not invest in ULIPs or endowment plans, as they offer suboptimal returns. Stick to pure insurance products for protection and mutual funds for growth.

The Role of a Certified Financial Planner
To achieve Rs. 5 crores, a well-crafted financial plan is essential. A Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can:

Analyse your current investments and recommend improvements.

Design a customised strategy tailored to your income, expenses, and goals.

Provide periodic reviews to ensure you stay on track.

Finally
Achieving Rs. 5 crores in 10 years is a realistic goal if you adopt a disciplined and diversified approach.

Optimise your PPF contributions and channel excess funds into higher-growth investments.

Build a diversified portfolio with equity and debt mutual funds.

Include a small allocation to gold and maintain an emergency fund.

Stay consistent with your SIPs and review your investments regularly.

Work with a Certified Financial Planner to create a personalised roadmap.

By following these steps, you can secure your financial future and meet your goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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