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Ravi Mittal  |260 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on May 06, 2024

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Asked by Anonymous - Apr 30, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

To start with I am in my early sixties . We have a large WhatsApp group of undergraduate college batchmates where sometimes news about batchmates / their families get posted . A married lady batchmate, located in one of the metro cities reached out to me over phone to offer her condolences / sympathies for loss of a family member that I had suffered . While I didn't personally know the lady , found the gesture empathetic & touching . So when the next physical batch meet took place I sought her out to thank her and we chatted for some time too ! Subsequently , we started being in touch , she mentioned that she found my gesture ( asking her to sit besides me to chat up very affectionate ) both through chat and calls and started sharing about each other , even personal matters . And now it seems that the relationship is moving in to a clear zone of intimacy ! And we talk pretty affectionately and frequently these days and it seems we make a good chatting pair . She is pretty attached to her grown up children and probably with a non intimate, dysfunctional, unsatisfactory marriage dragging on . She says her relationship in her marriage has totally failed right from beginning but she has not been able to do anything about that so far . It seems that the children are with the mother ! I find her balanced, affectionate and would like understand if something akin to a long term relationship /companionship would be possible . So have asked her to share about me, about our mutual feelings to her kids . Have also sounded her that if her husband gets to know about this relationship - it might lead to a family issue including formal break up of her marriage. And I am truly concerned about that . But she is very wishy wishy in her ideas about possible course of action , way forward .And I don't want her to get hurt or disappointed nor I want to be placed in a emotional drag. My questions are 1. Can this relationship go anywhere ? And if yes , what is the minimum expected from her ? 2. Can we be just be chatting friends ? Doesn't seem so as we talk & share as if we are a couple ? 3. What should we both do to avoid any possible emotional trauma to each of us ? (A still active and adorable senior citizen without strings and without a care in the world )

Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am glad you found a genuine companion. I understand that you both care a great deal about each other and that is rare in today's day and age. Now coming to your questions-

1) It most definitely can. But that depends on the course of action your partner is willing to take. I assume that neither one of you would like to formally tag it as a relationship till she is married to another man, no matter how the marriage is. So, in that case, your partner must have a clear discussion about the same with her husband and you can proceed from there. But going ahead and having a romantic relationship while she is married to someone else would not be ethical and even when she has every right to seek happiness in her life, it would be her who faces all the societal judgment.

2) You can be two friends chatting with each other. Friends do share a lot, even personal matters. Having said that, it did not sound to me that you are in that platonic friend zone anymore. You have grown to like each other a little more and given the circumstances, it is perfectly alright. But to be more than friends, it is important for your partner to first speak to her current husband and consider separating. But at the end of the day, it is her decision. If she doesn't want to formally end it, you would have two options. One, love each other in secret and never have the chance to show off your love to the world. Two, break it off and either try to remain friends or sever ties altogether.

3) Don't have unrealistic expectations. We are all guilty of it time and again. In this case, even though her marriage isn't perfect- you know and she knows it too- it isn't easy to let go of a relationship people spend years to build. Take things slow and let her make her own decisions. If you expect she will leave her marriage for you, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. It might happen, but then again, it might not. Focus on being each other's companion. You can't help how you feel, but that does not mean you have to act on it right now.

One more thing- if you can see yourself getting hurt, I would suggest reconsidering the relationship. Every relationship has in its capacity to cause emotional trauma. That's the thing about romance- it can make or break you.

Best Wishes.
Asked on - May 20, 2024 | Answered on May 20, 2024
Thanks a lot for such a nuanced response to a set of rather complex emotions posed as questions. Now there has been some further developments. First, the interaction has graduated from text chats to frequent voice calls and even video calls. The points of touch have become varied and we are almost in constant touch as in case of two love birds . And the topics have become varied, even often including innuendos involving alluding possible physical intimacy. She has openly started saying that she finds me incredibly attractive even physically! We have been indirectly and lately directly talking about physical meetings and then now she has even set up a rendezvous. She informed me that she had long planned and arranged a travel to a tourist place with a friend long time back and then in passing informed me that she has booked an additional room for me. And requested me to join in. I jumped into the fray and have now booked my tickets. She tells me that her long standing friend on this trip knows about her state of marriage and she is going to tell her that we are in fact lovers !And the stay , for a couple of nights would also include a temple visit together …. Just to reiterate, my friend is no impetuous, love infatuated school girl; she has been the head of a school and has worked in responsible positions. And she also has two grown up children with newly set up families. But she says had it been possible, she would have loved to have a baby with me …. Secondly, I have been mildly persuading the lady to share my profile with her kids- so that they also get to feel that her mother's ex. classmate is also one with accomplishments. Incidentally I have a public profile which could be interesting to the NewGen kids. However, my friend probably doesn’t get the drift or unsure how to share this without having to reveal the intimacy level or doesn’t want to take any step forward now . Thirdly, I also notice that she also remotely keeps track of my activities , whether the maid has come , when I am taking food , whether my health /mood is as in case of a couple . She also sometimes even seems to be getting a little possessive about me , my being in touch with other lady batchmates , mostly in a good humoured manner ! Now in this back drop my questions are these: i) I am a little weary of getting into a physical relationship with a married lady (how so much she may love me ) as it feels unethical , I feel for the partner of the lady and also afraid that both me/ and the lady may also carry a feeling of guilt if we get into a physical relationship in the sly . So what would be the right thing to do on this planned rendezvous to be able to nicely avoid the physical part ? ii)I have been cautioning her to lock her phone lest her family member accidentally read her messages / hear our voice message exchanges. But she seems to have thrown all caution to winds without thinking about consequences. She is in constant touch with me .So how to get over this ? iii)And my hunch is that she would like to continue with the marriage and simultaneously carry on meeting me. to my mind, It doesn’t seem to go any where . So what should I do for letting her know that I expect her to come over in due course in a nice way? iv) I wanted her kids to know me as her mother’s friend , classmate . But she isn’t sharing my profile with them , nor is she interested that we ( her children and me) engage in usual conversation . What is that I need to do to get her think that getting her children to know me could be a good idea? Yours sincerely , Bholanath
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am happy you found my advice helpful. Coming to your current query-

1) If you are not comfortable getting physically intimate, clearly communicating that is the best thing. You both are adults; beating around the bush or making other excuses to avoid getting intimate might come off as disinterest. Clearly expressing your concerns is the right way. Tell your partner that you don't think it's ethical to get intimate with someone who is committed to another man; while you love her, you are not comfortable with that. Instead, you want to focus on emotional intimacy.

2) Seems like that is her choice. You can only caution her and you already did that. The only thing to do here is continue doing so. She is an adult and you can't really do anything more than that.

3) I repeat, communication is the only answer. If it bothers you that she won't leave her husband and settle with you, you have to voice your feelings to her. It isn't easy to leave a marriage, no matter how it is. You can let her know that you don't want to be in a dead-end relationship if that's what is bothering you. I am sure she can handle the truth.

4) She is their mother. She knows what's best for her children. I would recommend not interfering with it. But you can directly ask her why she is not willing to introduce you to them. You might get some clarity.

Best Wishes.

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |260 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on May 20, 2024

Relationship
Thanks a lot for such a nuanced response to a set of rather complex emotions posed as questions. Now there has been some further developments. First, the interaction has graduated from text chats to frequent voice calls and even video calls. The points of touch have become varied and we are almost in constant touch as in case of two love birds . And the topics have become varied, even often including innuendos involving alluding possible physical intimacy. She has openly started saying that she finds me incredibly attractive even physically! We have been indirectly and lately directly talking about physical meetings and then now she has even set up a rendezvous. She informed me that she had long planned and arranged a travel to a tourist place with a friend long time back and then in passing informed me that she has booked an additional room for me. And requested me to join in. I jumped into the fray and have now booked my tickets. She tells me that her long standing friend on this trip knows about her state of marriage and she is going to tell her that we are in fact lovers !And the stay , for a couple of nights would also include a temple visit together …. Just to reiterate, my friend is no impetuous, love infatuated school girl; she has been the head of a school and has worked in responsible positions. And she also has two grown up children with newly set up families. But she says had it been possible, she would have loved to have a baby with me …. Secondly, I have been mildly persuading the lady to share my profile with her kids- so that they also get to feel that her mother's ex. classmate is also one with accomplishments. Incidentally I have a public profile which could be interesting to the NewGen kids. However, my friend probably doesn’t get the drift or unsure how to share this without having to reveal the intimacy level or doesn’t want to take any step forward now . Thirdly, I also notice that she also remotely keeps track of my activities , whether the maid has come , when I am taking food , whether my health /mood is as in case of a couple . She also sometimes even seems to be getting a little possessive about me , my being in touch with other lady batchmates , mostly in a good humoured manner ! Now in this back drop my questions are these: i) I am a little weary of getting into a physical relationship with a married lady (how so much she may love me ) as it feels unethical , I feel for the partner of the lady and also afraid that both me/ and the lady may also carry a feeling of guilt if we get into a physical relationship in the sly . So what would be the right thing to do on this planned rendezvous to be able to nicely avoid the physical part ? ii)I have been cautioning her to lock her phone lest her family member accidentally read her messages / hear our voice message exchanges. But she seems to have thrown all caution to winds without thinking about consequences. She is in constant touch with me .So how to get over this ? iii)And my hunch is that she would like to continue with the marriage and simultaneously carry on meeting me. to my mind, It doesn’t seem to go any where . So what should I do for letting her know that I expect her to come over in due course in a nice way? iv) I wanted her kids to know me as her mother’s friend , classmate . But she isn’t sharing my profile with them , nor is she interested that we ( her children and me) engage in usual conversation . What is that I need to do to get her think that getting her children to know me could be a good idea? Yours sincerely , Bholanath
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am happy you found my advice helpful. Coming to your current query-

1) If you are not comfortable getting physically intimate, clearly communicating that is the best thing. You both are adults; beating around the bush or making other excuses to avoid getting intimate might come off as disinterest. Clearly expressing your concerns is the right way. Tell your partner that you don't think it's ethical to get intimate with someone who is committed to another man; while you love her, you are not comfortable with that. Instead, you want to focus on emotional intimacy.

2) Seems like that is her choice. You can only caution her and you already did that. The only thing to do here is continue doing so. She is an adult and you can't really do anything more than that.

3) I repeat, communication is the only answer. If it bothers you that she won't leave her husband and settle with you, you have to voice your feelings to her. It isn't easy to leave a marriage, no matter how it is. You can let her know that you don't want to be in a dead-end relationship if that's what is bothering you. I am sure she can handle the truth.

4) She is their mother. She knows what's best for her children. I would recommend not interfering with it. But you can directly ask her why she is not willing to introduce you to them. You might get some clarity.

Best Wishes.

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