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Torn between love and family: Should I marry my girlfriend despite disapproval and challenges?

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |597 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 20, 2025

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jan 09, 2025Hindi
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Relationship

I’ve been in a relationship with a girl for the past 4 years, but due to various issues, things have become extremely complicated. Her father doesn’t approve of me, and my mother doesn’t like her either. Despite this, we’ve managed to stay together all these years. The problem is now escalating. My family is pressuring me to marry someone else, but I’m unable to leave her. At the same time, I feel I can’t marry her either because of her behavior and the ongoing issues with my family. I’ve tried to ask her to change certain things, but she hasn’t made any efforts in that direction. To make matters worse, her mother supports our relationship and trusts me, which makes it even harder for me to walk away. I don’t want her to marry someone else, but I also feel stuck because of my family’s expectations and the challenges in our relationship. Even If I leave her I don't know what she is going to do. What should I do in this situation to make the best decision for everyone involved?

Ans: it's crucial to reflect on what you truly want and need from a relationship. Ask yourself if this relationship brings you the happiness and fulfillment you seek, or if the challenges you face are too significant to overcome. It's important to differentiate between staying out of love and staying out of fear or obligation.

Talking to your partner openly is essential. Share your concerns honestly and listen to her perspective. If there are changes you've hoped for, express why they matter to you. At the same time, recognize that change is a two-way street—it requires effort and willingness from both sides. If she hasn't made efforts in the areas you've discussed, it may be worth considering whether this is a pattern that can be changed or a fundamental mismatch in expectations.

Your family's disapproval complicates things further, but it's important to remember that this is your life and relationship. While their opinions are significant, they shouldn't be the sole deciding factor in your happiness. Balancing respect for their wishes with your own needs is a delicate task, but ultimately, you need to make a decision that feels right for you.

If the relationship feels unsustainable despite your efforts, it may be time to consider a different path. It's understandable that you’re concerned about her well-being, especially given her mother's trust in you, but staying out of guilt or obligation can lead to further unhappiness for both of you. If you decide to part ways, doing so with kindness and honesty can help mitigate some of the hurt.

Ultimately, this decision is deeply personal. Weighing your feelings, the relationship dynamics, and your family's expectations will guide you toward a resolution that prioritizes your well-being and future happiness.
Asked on - Jan 27, 2025 | Answered on Jan 29, 2025
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I've tried to leave her, but she doesn't want me to go. Even her mother started calling me, asking how we’ve been together for four years, and why I want to leave her, especially after she cried so much. But despite all this, nothing has changed on her side.
Ans: The fact that she doesn’t want you to leave shows how much she cares about you, but love alone isn’t always enough. A healthy relationship requires mutual growth, understanding, and effort. If you’ve expressed your concerns and she hasn’t made any real changes, that tells you something important—either she doesn’t see the issues the same way you do, or she doesn’t believe change is necessary. Either way, that’s a serious disconnect.

Guilt should not be the reason you stay. Just because someone cries or their family pleads with you doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your own happiness and peace of mind. Right now, you might be staying more out of obligation than genuine hope for a better future together, and that’s not fair to either of you. If you continue like this, resentment will build, and eventually, things could turn even more painful.

It’s not easy to walk away, especially when someone refuses to let go. But if deep down you know that the relationship isn’t working and won’t improve, then prolonging it will only make the eventual separation harder. You need to be clear with her—not just that you’re unhappy, but that staying together without change isn’t an option.

If you’re worried about how she will cope, it might help to reassure her that she is strong and will get through this, even if it doesn’t feel that way now. She may cry, her mother may call, but those emotions will settle with time. Right now, you need to focus on what is right for your long-term happiness, not just the immediate guilt of hurting her. Letting go can be painful, but sometimes, it’s the only way forward.
Asked on - Jan 31, 2025 | Answered on Feb 02, 2025
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She always sets boundaries for me, but when I do the same, she doesn’t like it and expects only me to follow them. I’ve even tried to separate from her through arguments, and while she agrees with everything in the moment, she later denies it all. She stops me, tries to reconnect, and insists on meeting me. If I try to walk away, she digs her nails into me to make me stop and talk to her.
Ans: You’ve already tried talking, reasoning, and even arguing, but she continues to pull you back in, only to keep things exactly as they are. This cycle won’t break unless you make a firm decision and stick to it. She may cry, she may plead, and her mother may continue reaching out—but at some point, you have to stop being available for these conversations if you truly want to move on.

Right now, guilt and emotional pressure are keeping you from fully detaching. But you are not responsible for how she reacts to your decision. You are responsible for your own well-being, and staying in this exhausting cycle will only continue to take a toll on your mental and emotional health.

It’s time to make a clean break. Stop engaging in debates about why you’re leaving—because she will always find a way to twist things to keep you there. Be firm, limit all communication, and if necessary, involve someone you trust to help you create that distance. She may not like it, but she doesn’t have to. What matters is that you make a decision that brings you peace, rather than one that keeps you trapped.

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Asked by Anonymous - Jun 27, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello everyone who sees this post! I've a very unique dilemma to deal with, but I'm sure someone could help me! I (M23) am in a relationship with this girl(F23) for 5 years and in the first 3 months I've told both of our parents her and mine that we're in a relationship, but my parents won't agree for her and her parents wants me to marry her daughter immediately (meaning just after I told them we're in a relationship that was 4 years back and PS:- I'm not yet married) So yeah, I didn't want to upset either one (my parents/ her parents/ her) so I somehow found a middle ground and persuaded mine & her parents for an engagement and wait for marriage till I earn. But now my parents don't want us to meet till I get a decent career/job. (That too can be a hoax) And this action is making her/parents to conclude that they (my parents) want us to get separated. So now, I must either listen to my parents (who wants their sons best is what I believe) or her/parents (who wants the best for this relationship). I don't know what to do, and yeah this is a brief! If someone could advice me I'll tell all the details so it would be easy for gurus to sum up an advice.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
This sounds like a challenging situation and I understand the pressure you must be feeling; being torn between the expectations of your parents and your partner is not a pleasant feeling.

Here are a few things you can consider doing-

• Talk to your parents. I am sure you have done it but this time, do it with an open mind and put in the effort to understand their perspective. As you mentioned, they must have the best of your intention in mind. Ask them why they are hesitant about the relationship and also give you a solution where you can keep both them and your partner happy. This conversation can make them feel valued and they will also know that you want to keep them in the loop.
• Do the same with your partner and her parents. Let them give you a solution too. Explain the pressure you are experiencing and explain how some of your parent's concerns are valid. We cannot really deny that being financially stable is very important before getting married.
• Based on the conversations, set realistic goals. It can be achieving some career milestone, saving a certain amount to get married, or a date before which you will try to be financially independent. This will show all parties involved that you are serious about your commitment.
• Of course, it is important to value everyone's feelings, but it is equally important to take yours into account. Communicating with everyone will allow you to look at the matter from different perspectives but the ultimate decision must be yours. While you respect everyone's wishes, you should also prioritize your own.

If you feel the stress is overwhelming, do not shy away from seeking help.

Best Wishes.

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |597 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 15, 2024

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Hi, I'm a 33-year-old male, in a relationship for the last 4 years. I have an elder unmarried sister who is 39 years old, and an elder brother who is also unmarried but might get married next year. My concern is about my relationship. Initially, everything was fine, but after two years, things started to get messy. In 2022, during Diwali, my girlfriend visited my home. After that, she began to take issue with many small things related to my mother and sister and complained to me about them. Now, things are getting worse day by day. She constantly taunts me, saying, "As long as your sister is in that house, no one will want to marry their daughter into your family." My mother gave her a gold coin as a Diwali gift, which she has now returned to me, asking me to give it back to my mom with the message, "Find someone else for your son and see how many proposals you get." I always try to meet her demands, but she never seems to understand my perspective. Now, I feel angry and negative toward my family. I love her very much and can't leave her, but I know she doesn't understand my situation and always tries to prove she is right in every way. Please help me understand what I should do..???
Ans: Dear K,
It's clear you're in a difficult situation, feeling torn between your love for your girlfriend and your loyalty to your family. It's essential to acknowledge both your emotions and your needs, as well as those of your girlfriend and family.

First, have an open and honest conversation with your girlfriend. Share how her comments and actions are affecting you and your relationship with your family. It's crucial that she understands your perspective and the importance of family in your life. Approach this conversation with empathy, making it clear that you value her feelings but also need her to respect your family's role.

Additionally, consider discussing boundaries and expectations. Every relationship requires compromise, but it shouldn't come at the cost of your mental and emotional well-being. If your girlfriend is unwilling to see things from your point of view or continues to create tension, it might be necessary to reassess the relationship's dynamics.

Seeking guidance from a relationship counselor could provide a neutral ground for both of you to express your concerns and work towards a solution. A professional can offer tools and strategies to navigate these challenges, ensuring that both your relationship and family bonds are respected.

Remember, a healthy relationship should uplift and support you, not create constant conflict and negativity. Balancing love and family can be challenging, but with clear communication and mutual respect, it is possible to find a path that honors both.

..Read more

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