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Dealing with emotionally and physically abusive relatives: How can I help my mom while avoiding them?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1617 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 24, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jul 21, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Respected Anu ji This is quite an unusual query and I request your patience and understanding through this lengthy text I am a native of Tamilnadu and my maternal relatives are mostly of the business class It may not seem odd, but one may have heard of mind reading (and controlling) like in some celebrated spiritual centres, something similar is happening with me, I am subjected to this by my maternal relatives - they identify themselves as Yadavas, some have Serious God complexes and schizophrenia - trust me they have abilities like crystal ball gazing/ future telling, mind mapping and Niyog (one may have heard of Vyasa of Mahabharat times doing this to his step sister-in- laws to beget children!) many other neuro related traits - some cases you may have handled Though I am relatively open minded, but I frankly do not subscribe to the concept of Niyog They have also hurt me emotionally and physically right from childhood - I don't have any proof of it I just want to sever all connections with them and live my life peacefully - I even did a vasectomy to avoid any altercation with them But the problem in India is that here we cannot avoid our relatives - more so till my mom is there - I am Not a momma's boy, but my mother of 73 years has multiple comorbidities including heart fail and asthma - it is my duty as a son and a human being to help her.. Please advise how I could avoid my relatives and yet take care of my mom and lead my life peacefully

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I am quite unaware of what you mention; but being a firm believer in Mind Sciences, I do believe that taking control of someone's mind can happen only when that someone meekly submits to the other person in a weak space OR when that someone actually believes some blindly.
You can see this happen with so many so-called spiritual heads who have so many blind followers and anything said by them will be unquestioningly followed by people. That is also called mind control.
You can stay away from people that you don't particularly fancy without severing ties also. Distances make that happen anyway, so does our busy lives...There is no need to make a big announcement about severing ties...staying away will do the trick in itself...

What I also still don't know is the purpose of your question as I don't actually see a question for me! Whatever I have been able to gather, I can only suggest: Do what you think and feel is right for you without actually fearing anyone and anything.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1617 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 09, 2023

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Relationship
Hi Anu...I dont want to be named but want to share my issues here with you to guidance. Im married and live with my wife and 2 year old son in Noida and my parents lives in some village in UP approx 500 Kms afar. My initial upbriging was done by my Grandparants at separate place till age of 10 so never got any chance to get along with my poarants very well as lived with them for only 4 years then shifted Noida. now the issue issus is my sister who is 5-6 years younger than me has been living with paranets since birth and became very arrogant and irresponsible in life as my parants never tried to correct her instead they always push me to get along citing Im older..she never even accepted my wife and even tried to conspire against my baby boy by filing my mothers mind for years. my parents married her 4 years ago but she dont spend even a month continuously at her inlawa and dont get along with them...she want to sta with my paranets as nobody bothers her in what she wants to do... when anybody try to make her realise that she is wrong she start threating them by saying that she will harm herself...actually she never does. My parents are getting older and dont want to see them suffer mentally and financially anymore but them cant come with me as they have take care of my Great Grandparents..she is too proud to say sorry to me for things she has done but my parents emotionally blackmailing to to talk to her....what should I do...
Ans: Dear R,
Obviously your parents have no clue that their over indulgence in your sister and her life is causing her misery. Their relationship is unhealthy and they are unaware of it...things are sure to go downhill until one of them pulls back...in this case, the ideal thing would be for your parents to pull back and cut financial and emotional support till she starts behaving like an adult and become accountable for herself and her life.
Some people just don't want to grow up...and that is because they have parents or parent figures who fill in their every need and fulfil their every want.
This becomes a habit and when they don't get what they want, they will threaten just like your sister does...she basically likes playing the 'child' and hence your parents are never out of their responsibility of parenting...make them aware that it is enough and a tough stance will set her right and help her build her life.
A grown up must be one and just keep the child alive in them...but here your sister just wants to be the child and keep happily playing thar role as the parents are allowing it...kindly intervene and help your parents understand and do the right thing for their daughter...

All the best!

..Read more

Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |119 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 05, 2024Hindi
Relationship
Hello Sir. I am unwilling to disclose my name. I come from a nuclear family based in Kolkata. I am in a very painful situation and I need your suggestion earnestly. The problem arises with my father. He is 66 , retired and a stay at home dad. He has severe anger issues, is demanding and controlling and often tells certain things verbally that are very traumatic for me. My hands and legs tremble and my heart beats rapidly when ever we have an argument as I am a peace loving person. Of late I have realised that I prefer to maintain distance from him . In all honesty I respect him but my love for him has long gone. My mother is a very demure person and is a stay at home mom. In order to not make my father angry or agitated by any means and to maintain peace in the house, she prefers to do what he prefers. I love my mother dearly but my father calls us a bunch of liars and is agitated that I support my mother. Even though I earn, I am in no position to leave my family/ house and shift elsewhere because I respect my mother's will. But I am traumatized and severely in mental agony. I can neither show my anguish nor express my situation to anyone for fear of being misunderstood. I am often asked to remain silent and not talk back to my father but sometimes the words are unbearable. He financially supports our family and you wouldn't believe if I told you that he has a completely different side when he is not in one of his' moods '. But Sir, does being the head of the family means to step over others and do what you feel like, irrespective of what the other members in your family feel? Additionally talking or communication with him also fails because he threatens to leave the house or just pushes us away. Even when I am writing this tears are streaming down my face. I am slowly becoming a shell of myself and am scared. Am I being selfish? Am I missing out something? I am so so tired of adjusting and compromising. I believe I have never ever written such a heart felt message. Can you help me out? Can you tell me how things can be resolved? Regards MR.
Ans: Dear MR,

First, let me acknowledge your courage in expressing these deeply personal emotions. It is not easy to articulate such pain, and your message reflects a strong desire to find clarity and relief in a situation that feels overwhelming. Let me assure you, you are not alone, and there are steps we can take together to help you regain a sense of control and peace.

Understanding the Dynamics
Your father’s behavior, while difficult and hurtful, seems to stem from his own unresolved emotions or unmet needs. Retirement, aging, and a sense of losing relevance can sometimes manifest as controlling or angry behavior in individuals who were once accustomed to authority or a sense of purpose. However, this does not justify his actions. Emotional safety is as important in a home as financial support, and it appears this balance is missing.

Your mother, with her passive approach, may be coping in a way that avoids confrontation but also leaves you feeling unsupported and isolated. This dynamic creates a cycle where you’re left holding the weight of everyone's emotions, which is exhausting.

Addressing Your Internal Conflict
Let’s begin by addressing the questions you’ve asked yourself:

Are you being selfish? Absolutely not. Wanting to protect your mental well-being is not selfish—it’s necessary. You cannot pour from an empty cup, and neglecting your emotional health will only harm you in the long run.
Are you missing out on something? Perhaps the only thing you might be missing is recognizing that this is not your fault. It is easy to internalize blame in such situations, but this is not about you failing—it’s about a family dynamic that needs healing.
Steps Toward Resolution
While changing deeply ingrained patterns takes time, here are some immediate and long-term strategies to help you navigate this situation:

Self-Regulation First:

When arguments or confrontations arise, focus on calming your body first. Practice deep breathing or grounding techniques. For example, count your breaths slowly or focus on the sensation of your feet touching the ground. This will help you regain control over the trembling and rapid heartbeat.
Create a safe mental space for yourself. When you feel overwhelmed, imagine a place where you feel secure and loved. Retreat there mentally for a moment to regain your composure.
Establish Emotional Boundaries:

Decide what you will and won’t accept during conversations. For instance, if he raises his voice or says something hurtful, consider calmly saying, “I want to have this conversation, but not if we can’t speak respectfully.” If he continues, you can excuse yourself from the situation.
Have a Gentle Conversation:

Choose a time when your father is calm. Express your feelings in a non-confrontational way. Use “I” statements to avoid triggering his defensiveness. For example, “I feel very hurt and scared when we argue, and it affects my health. I want us to have a peaceful relationship.”
Involve a Neutral Third Party:

Sometimes family dynamics require external mediation. If your father is open to it, consider family counseling. A neutral professional can help facilitate healthier communication patterns.
Build Your Own Resilience:

Strengthen your emotional boundaries through self-care. Engage in activities that bring you joy, whether it’s a hobby, spending time with friends, or pursuing a passion.
Journaling can also be a powerful tool to process your emotions and find clarity. Write without judgment—just let the words flow.
Support Your Mother with Empathy:

While you may feel frustrated by your mother’s silence, understand that she too is coping in the best way she knows how. Gently encourage her to find her voice and share her feelings when she feels safe.
Seek Community Support:

If you cannot share your situation with friends or family, consider joining a support group (online or in person). Knowing you’re not alone can be incredibly healing.
Plan for the Future:

While moving out isn’t an option right now, think about small steps you can take toward greater independence over time. This might include saving money, learning new skills, or preparing emotionally for when you’re ready to take that step.

A Gentle Reminder
MR, healing this situation doesn’t solely depend on changing your father’s behavior. It starts with you reclaiming your power to protect your mental health. Your peace of mind is just as valuable as anyone else’s.

Take this one step at a time. You are not broken—you are resilient. With each small action, you’ll begin to feel more grounded and capable of navigating this challenge.

If you ever need to share more or simply vent, I am here to listen.

Warm regards,
Dr. Ashish Sehgal

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1617 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 07, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 06, 2024Hindi
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Hello Ma'am. I hope you are doing well. I am not willing to disclose my name. I hail from a nuclear family comprising my parents and myself. I am 28. I was hesitating at first but I am suffering from severe mental agony. The cause of this is my father. My father is extremely volatile, getting aggressive and verbally violent in the smallest and most random of issues. I am an extremely peace loving person as my job as a teacher is demanding. My mother is very demure and prefers to do things hus way to maintain peace in the house. Whenever aggravated situations like this arise, and I have a debate or argument with my father, I generally keep my voice calm but hands and legs tremble and I have palpitations. I lose my semblance and become unable to place my opinions. When I see my father like this, I feel scared to the core. I start remembering the violent childhood beatings that I used to get for not able to cope with studies. I respect him but have realised that my love for him is long gone. The words that he spews verbally, add to my scar and trauma. My mother asks me to remain silent and let him calm down on his own. But the words scar me. I am increasingly becoming distant from my father. I am at a phase in life where I am earning but am not stable. Moreover I worry for my mother as I love her dearly. Can you suggest me how to cope with such a difficult situation? I am earnestly looking forward to your suggestions. Regards MR
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
There's little that you can do to change the dynamics of the relationship between your mother and father. Your mother chooses to be submissive and your father has also got used to being the decision maker and things work between them. So leave it at that.
Now, when it comes to you; you have a choice of going through it or doing something about it. You are 28; so what if you are not earning well...maybe stepping out of home will help you re-think and move to something better that lets you earn better as well. At times in life, strong decisions like these are life-changing and they must be made. Is this going to change the relationship between you and your father? No, it wont; but at least you have a chance at a life that you can build for yourself. It's time you grew into your own skin and at this moment if you don't do that for yourself, the rest of your life you will be playing the role of a victim and blaming your father for things not going well for you. You have a choice!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |600 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 07, 2024

Relationship
Hello Ma'am. I am unwilling to disclose my name. I come from a nuclear family based in Kolkata. I am in a very painful situation and I need your suggestion earnestly. The problem arises with my father. He is 66 , retired and a stay at home dad. He has severe anger issues, is demanding and controlling and often tells certain things verbally that are very traumatic for me. My hands and legs tremble and my heart beats rapidly when ever we have an argument as I am a peace loving person. Of late I have realised that I prefer to maintain distance from him . In all honesty I respect him but my love for him has long gone. My mother is a very demure person and is a stay at home mom. In order to not make my father angry or agitated by any means and to maintain peace in the house, she prefers to do what he prefers. I love my mother dearly but my father calls us a bunch of liars and is agitated that I support my mother. Even though I earn, I am in no position to leave my family/ house and shift elsewhere because I respect my mother's will. But I am traumatized and severely in mental agony. I can neither show my anguish nor express my situation to anyone for fear of being misunderstood. I am often asked to remain silent and not talk back to my father but sometimes the words are unbearable. He financially supports our family and you wouldn't believe if I told you that he has a completely different side when he is not in one of his' moods '. But Ma'am, does being the head of the family means to step over others and do what you feel like, irrespective of what the other members in your family feel? Additionally talking or communication with him also fails because he threatens to leave the house or just pushes us away. Even when I am writing this tears are streaming down my face. I am slowly becoming a shell of myself and am scared. Am I being selfish? Am I missing out something? I am so so tired of adjusting and compromising. I believe I have never ever written such a heart felt message. Can you help me out? Can you tell me how things can be resolved? Regards MR
Ans: From what you’ve shared, your father seems to be wrestling with his own frustrations, using control and anger as tools to manage his environment. This does not make it right, nor does it excuse the pain he causes. But understanding that his behavior may stem from internal struggles might help you view the situation with some compassion, even if from a distance.

Your love and respect for your mother shine through your words, and it’s clear that her well-being is a priority for you. The way you support her is a testament to your strength and kindness. But I also sense that her coping mechanism—complying with your father to maintain peace—might unintentionally place an additional burden on you. It’s as though you’re not only protecting yourself but also shielding her, which is an immense responsibility.

You are not alone in feeling conflicted about standing up to your father. It’s not just about his words; it’s about the power dynamics and the emotional weight he holds in the family. His “other side”—the moments when he is kind or approachable—makes it even harder to reconcile the anger and trauma he causes. This duality often creates confusion and guilt, leaving you wondering if you’re overreacting or misjudging him.

What’s most important right now is preserving your emotional well-being. It’s okay to create boundaries, even if they are small and subtle. For instance, when you sense an argument brewing, stepping away or finding a reason to leave the room can help you avoid escalating the situation. If direct communication with him fails, sometimes maintaining emotional distance is the only way to protect yourself.

I also encourage you to find someone you trust to talk to—a counselor, a friend, or even a support group. Sharing your pain with someone who can listen without judgment can lighten your load and help you feel less alone. Writing, as you’ve done here, is also a powerful outlet. Keep journaling—it can provide clarity and a sense of release.

You’ve asked if being the head of the family means stepping over others. The simple answer is no. True leadership in a family should come from love, mutual respect, and understanding. When it turns into control or fear, it becomes harmful. Your father’s actions do not reflect a failure on your part or your family’s; they reflect his own struggles with how to express himself and manage his emotions.

Finally, give yourself permission to feel tired. You are human, and this constant state of tension would drain anyone. But even in your exhaustion, remember this: you are brave, resilient, and full of love for your family. There is no shame in wanting peace, and there is no shame in seeking help to find it.

With heartfelt wishes for your healing and happiness,

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8781 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 04, 2025

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Good evening. Me and my wife ate both 42 years old. Both are working professionals. We have combined income around 4 to 4.5 lakhs per month. Average total monthly expenses for family around 85k(total 5 members). Investment- Shares- 1.45 Cr(present value) MF- 82 lakhs(present value) Monthly Sip- 22 k running(small cap,multicap,flexicap) Health insurance- 25 lakh floater woth 1 Cr super top up. Term plan- 2 crore for each Apartment cost - 90 lakhs(loan closed) Own home price- around 65 lakhs 10 years old daughter i have. Planning for future studies after 6 years- around 60 lakhs(inflation not calculated). Would like to retire at 58 to 60 years of age. Considering moderate lifestyles, how should I plan further? Thanks
Ans: You have five family members. Your spending pattern is moderate.



You own equity shares worth Rs. 1.45 crore.



Mutual fund investments are worth Rs. 82 lakhs.



Running SIPs of Rs. 22,000 in small cap, multicap, and flexicap funds.



You have a home costing Rs. 90 lakhs. Loan is fully paid.



You also own another house worth Rs. 65 lakhs.



Health insurance of Rs. 25 lakhs floater + Rs. 1 crore super top-up.



Term insurance of Rs. 2 crore each for you and your wife.



Daughter is 10 years old. Need Rs. 60 lakhs after 6 years for education.



Planning to retire between age 58 and 60.



Appreciation and Positives

You have created strong asset base at an early stage.



Your insurance coverage is very good.



Loan-free status and regular SIP show great discipline.



Moderate expenses reflect financial maturity.



Suggestions for Daughter's Education

Education goal is within 6 years.



Equity shares and small cap MFs are high-risk for short-term goals.



Please move required Rs. 60 lakhs in staggered manner.



Shift to low-volatility hybrid or short-duration debt mutual funds.



Start switching now and complete it within next 3 years.



This will reduce volatility risk and protect capital.



Retirement Planning Evaluation

Retirement in 16 to 18 years is a medium to long-term goal.



Your existing corpus of Rs. 2.27 crore (Shares + MF) is strong.



SIP of Rs. 22,000 may not be enough for your target retirement.



Retirement corpus needed could be Rs. 6 crore to Rs. 7 crore approx.



You may need to increase SIP gradually to Rs. 50,000 or more.



Focus more on multicap and flexicap funds.



Avoid small cap for retirement corpus due to volatility.



Use active funds with good long-term track record.



Avoid index funds due to lack of downside protection.



Direct vs Regular MF Investing

Investing directly is not suitable for goal-based planning.



Direct plans lack handholding and review.



Regular plans through MFD + Certified Financial Planner offer continuous tracking.



Helps optimise portfolio and rebalance when needed.



Real Estate

No new investment is needed in real estate.



Real estate is illiquid and gives poor inflation-adjusted returns.



Holding two homes is enough.



Life Insurance

Term cover of Rs. 2 crore each is good.



Please review sum assured every 3 years.



Increase cover if income increases substantially.



Health Insurance

Rs. 25 lakh floater and Rs. 1 crore top-up are excellent.



You have good protection against medical expenses.



Estate Planning

Please write a Will for both of you.



Nominate each other and your daughter in investments.



Create a basic estate plan for smooth transition of assets.



Tax Planning

Track capital gains from equity MFs.



LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh taxed at 12.5%.



STCG taxed at 20%.



Debt fund gains taxed as per your income slab.



What Needs Focus Now

Prioritise daughter’s education goal. Begin reallocation today.



Review and increase retirement SIP amount steadily.



Avoid direct and index funds.



Continue regular review of term cover, health cover.



Do not invest in annuities or real estate now.



Rebalance equity portfolio. Prefer diversified and actively managed MFs.



Finally

You are financially stable and secure.



You need few tactical shifts to optimise your plan.



Focus on structured goal-based investing.



Follow 360-degree approach for financial well-being.



Engage with a Certified Financial Planner regularly.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8781 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 03, 2025
Money
I am 52 years old. My wife, son and my father are dependent on me. My monthly income is 3.5L and my investment/savings are 10% of my income. I am living in my own home on which there is no liability. I have taken a loan of 75L for a second home for which the EMI will be around Rs.80,000/-. I have a portfolio of 50L in equities, 5L in MFs, 10L in FDs, 7L in PPF and 20L in physical gold. My father's home (worth 80L) is in my name, though I don't intend to sell it now. My biggest expenses are higher education for my son abroad and his marriage. I will want to work till atleast 65 years of age. How much will I need for my retirement and what should be my investment strategy. Please advise.
Ans: You are 52 now. You want to work till 65.

You have 13 more earning years. You are thinking about retirement planning. That is timely.

You also have dependent family members. You also have big goals like son’s education and marriage.

Now let’s build a 360-degree view and give a clear action plan.

Understanding Your Current Financial Profile
Your monthly income is Rs. 3.5 lakhs. That is a strong income.

Your current savings rate is only 10%. That is Rs. 35,000 per month.

You are living in your own house. There is no loan on it. That is a strength.

You have taken a loan of Rs. 75 lakhs for a second house. EMI is Rs. 80,000.

You already have assets in many categories. Let’s list them below.

Your Asset Distribution Today:

Equity portfolio: Rs. 50 lakhs

Mutual Funds: Rs. 5 lakhs

Fixed Deposits: Rs. 10 lakhs

PPF: Rs. 7 lakhs

Physical Gold: Rs. 20 lakhs

Father’s home (in your name): Rs. 80 lakhs (Not for sale now)

Immediate Observations on Current Strategy
Your debt EMI is around 23% of your monthly income. That is on the higher side.

Your overall investments are diversified, but need better allocation.

Your gold holding is 20% of your investment value. That is too high.

You have very low exposure to mutual funds. That needs to be increased.

Your equity value is high. But need to check the quality and risks.

You are saving only 10% of income. That needs to be doubled.

Your Key Goals Identified
Retirement at age 65. You have 13 years to plan.

Son’s higher education abroad. It is a near-term high-cost goal.

Son’s marriage. This will also need large funds.

Managing your father’s needs. It needs regular cash flow.

Regular income for wife in your absence. This must be secured too.

Retirement Fund Planning
Let’s first plan for retirement. That is your most important long-term need.

You are 52 now. You want to retire at 65. So, 13 years of saving time.

After 65, you may live for 25 more years. So plan for at least 25 years.

You may need Rs. 80,000 per month (in today’s value) during retirement.

Due to inflation, this will grow. You may need over Rs. 2 lakhs monthly at retirement.

So, you must create a retirement corpus of at least Rs. 4.5 to 5 crores.

This includes both lifestyle expenses and healthcare.

This corpus must be built step by step from now.

Strategy for Retirement Corpus
Start saving 25% of your income every month for retirement. That is Rs. 87,500.

Increase your mutual fund allocation for long-term goals.

Use actively managed funds. Do not use index funds.

Index funds lack fund manager skill. They just copy the market.

In market downturns, index funds may fall harder.

Actively managed funds help manage risk better.

Also, do not invest in direct mutual funds.

Direct plans may save cost but offer no personal advice.

Instead, invest via MFDs who are guided by Certified Financial Planners.

You get personalised planning and continuous review.

Review asset allocation every year with help of your planner.

Education Planning for Son
This goal is coming soon. You will need a big amount.

Find out the total cost of his course. Include tuition, living, travel.

Start a dedicated SIP for this goal.

Use low-duration funds if the goal is less than 3 years away.

If you need funds within 2 years, avoid equity.

For 3-5 years horizon, use balanced allocation funds.

Don’t use FDs for long horizon goals. FD returns are not inflation-beating.

Also avoid gold for education goals. Gold is not predictable.

Use mutual funds with steady performance.

Rebalance quarterly if possible. This reduces risk.

Marriage Planning for Son
Set a budget for the wedding.

You still have time for this goal.

Use long-term mutual fund SIPs to build the marriage fund.

Choose good performing diversified funds.

Don’t stop SIPs midway.

Review once a year to check target progress.

Avoid investing in real estate for this goal.

Real estate has low liquidity and high entry cost.

Your EMI and Real Estate Strategy
EMI of Rs. 80,000 per month is fixed now.

That is around 23% of your monthly income.

Try to prepay this home loan faster.

Make annual part-payments if possible.

Reduce the interest outgo and loan term.

Don’t buy another property now.

Real estate has high cost and low flexibility.

Also, selling a property takes time and effort.

Instead of more properties, focus on mutual funds.

Mutual funds offer better liquidity and professional management.

Also, no maintenance cost like in property.

Optimising Your Investment Portfolio
Let’s optimise your current investments. Below are ideas:

Equities (Rs. 50 lakhs):

Review portfolio quality and sector allocation.

Exit high-risk or non-performing stocks.

Diversify better across sectors and themes.

Avoid too much exposure to small-cap or penny stocks.

Consult a Certified Financial Planner for portfolio review.

Mutual Funds (Rs. 5 lakhs):

This is very low compared to equity. Increase it step by step.

Add SIPs in actively managed funds.

Avoid NFOs and trendy sectoral funds.

FDs (Rs. 10 lakhs):

These give low returns after tax.

Keep only for emergency fund or 1-year goals.

Rest should be reallocated to better products.

PPF (Rs. 7 lakhs):

Continue yearly contributions till retirement.

This gives tax-free and safe returns.

Max out yearly limit for compounding benefits.

Gold (Rs. 20 lakhs):

This is 20% of your portfolio. That is too high.

Reduce it to 10% slowly.

Avoid physical gold. Instead shift to Sovereign Gold Bonds.

Physical gold has storage, wastage, and purity issues.

Family Protection Strategy
Life Insurance:

You must have a term plan of 15 to 20 times annual income.

This covers your family’s future if something happens to you.

Don’t buy investment-linked policies.

If you hold LIC or ULIP or endowment plans, surrender them.

Reinvest that amount in mutual funds.

Health Insurance:

Ensure separate cover for all family members.

Include your father and son too.

Corporate cover is not enough. Take individual policy.

Also add critical illness cover.

Estate Planning and Father’s Home
Your father’s home is in your name.

You don’t plan to sell now. That is fine.

Keep all documents clear and updated.

Make a registered Will. Mention distribution wishes clearly.

Nominate your wife and son in all financial instruments.

This avoids legal issues later.

Action Plan Summary
Increase your monthly saving to 25% of income

Use mutual fund SIPs to build retirement, education, marriage goals

Avoid index funds and direct plans. Use active funds via MFDs with CFP help

Reduce exposure to real estate and gold

Review equity portfolio with professional help

Prepay second home loan gradually

Secure family with term insurance and health cover

Rebalance portfolio yearly

Create Will and update nominations

Finally
You have strong income and some assets. That is a good start.

But current savings and portfolio allocation need changes.

Real estate and gold are high. Mutual fund exposure is low.

You need to shift slowly from fixed assets to liquid investments.

You also need goal-based planning. Separate funds for each goal.

Your retirement corpus target is Rs. 4.5 to 5 crores.

With 13 working years left, it is possible with discipline.

Take help from a Certified Financial Planner to build and monitor your plan.

Stay invested regularly. Review yearly. Protect your family always.

This approach will bring financial peace and clarity.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

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Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 04, 2025Hindi
Money
Good morning sir, I am 32,from Andhra Pradesh, I don't have financial knowledge, I am marine engineer,I buy one land for 38lks two years before, recently 6months back but another land 60lakhs,and have 30lk cash in hand for my parents retirement. Now me my wife my daughter planing to move UK.we already paid 12lkhs remaining 28lakhs need to pay for uk process.we don't have any job in uk.we need to search after go there.Beofre going to uk.my friend forcing me to buy g+2 house which gets 30k rent.for that.i need to take 1.cr loan.plues need to my parents retirement money 30lakhs. Please suggest me how can proceed with this.i am totally confused
Ans: Age: 32

Profession: Marine Engineer

Location: Andhra Pradesh

Family: Wife and Daughter

Assets Owned:

Land purchased 2 years ago – Rs. 38 lakhs

Land purchased 6 months ago – Rs. 60 lakhs

Cash kept for parents’ retirement – Rs. 30 lakhs

Cash Outflow Already Done:

Rs. 12 lakhs paid for UK relocation process

Still Required for UK Relocation:

Rs. 28 lakhs remaining to pay

No Job Yet in UK

One Option Suggested by Friend:

Buy G+2 house

Cost involves Rs. 1 crore loan + use Rs. 30 lakhs retirement fund

Estimated rent Rs. 30,000 per month

Understanding the UK Move
1. Basic Expense Preparedness

You need to first complete UK relocation cost – Rs. 28 lakhs.

After that, you must have living expenses for at least 6 months.

For a family, monthly cost in the UK can be around Rs. 2.5 lakhs.

So you need Rs. 15 lakhs for six months survival.

Total required = Rs. 28 lakhs + Rs. 15 lakhs = Rs. 43 lakhs

You must arrange this before any other investment.

2. Job Readiness in UK

Job search may take 3 to 6 months.

Marine Engineering jobs exist but not guaranteed quickly.

Try to start applying before you travel.

Connect with people from your industry in UK online.

Jobless time in UK will pressure your savings.

3. Currency and Emergency Factors

UK expenses will be in British Pounds.

Currency value changes can affect your money.

You must carry buffer cash for emergencies.

No income, new country, new rules – safety money is important.

Evaluating Property Suggestion
1. Loan Size and EMI Pressure

Rs. 1 crore loan for house is very risky now.

EMI for Rs. 1 crore loan can be around Rs. 75,000 per month.

Your rental income is Rs. 30,000 per month only.

EMI gap is Rs. 45,000 per month.

No job in UK yet – this will break your cash flow.

2. Misuse of Parents’ Retirement Money

Rs. 30 lakhs is saved for your parents.

This is their safety for the rest of life.

Using this for buying property is risky and wrong.

Parents’ money must never be used for experiments.

They may not have future income to recover loss.

3. Real Estate Investment Problems

Real estate looks attractive but has big risks.

Rent is not guaranteed. Property repair cost is high.

Property is not easy to sell quickly if needed.

Price growth is not steady.

You will be in UK – managing this property from there is tough.

If tenant leaves, you will have zero income.

You will still pay full EMI every month.

4. Friend’s Suggestion Needs Caution

Friends can give ideas.

But you carry the financial burden, not them.

Your future, your parents, and your daughter depend on this.

One mistake can destroy years of your work.

Always make independent decisions after evaluating risk.

What You Should Do Now
1. Protect Your UK Relocation Plan

Complete the Rs. 28 lakhs balance for UK.

Keep extra Rs. 15 lakhs ready as survival fund for 6 months.

This must be your first priority now.

2. Keep Parents’ Retirement Fund Safe

Do not touch the Rs. 30 lakhs set aside for parents.

This is for their medical needs and living support.

Invest this amount in actively managed mutual funds.

Invest through a Certified Financial Planner.

Let a trusted Mutual Fund Distributor guide the execution.

3. Avoid Real Estate Investments Now

Do not buy property now.

Your income is not stable.

You will move abroad soon.

Rental return is low.

EMI is very high.

Risk is too much compared to benefit.

4. Start Job Search Early in UK

Apply for jobs in marine field.

Connect with UK professionals on job portals.

Update your resume in UK format.

Have video interviews before landing in UK.

Look for backup jobs if marine role takes time.

5. Secure Your Family in UK

Keep medical insurance ready for family.

Know the basic rights and rules in UK.

Look for schools early if needed.

Reduce lifestyle expenses in beginning phase.

Focus on income first.

6. Begin Systematic Investment for Long Term

Once job is secured, begin long term investments.

Use actively managed mutual funds with SIP.

Choose equity and hybrid mutual funds for long term growth.

Avoid index funds. They don’t beat inflation always.

Index funds have no flexibility in fund manager decisions.

Active funds adjust faster to market changes.

7. Use Certified Financial Planner for Support

Work with a CFP to make a full financial plan.

Planner will help in India and abroad strategy.

CFP knows how to balance between family, retirement, and wealth creation.

A planner gives regular review and adjustments.

Finally
Your current focus should be simple.

Complete UK relocation cost.

Keep 6 months emergency fund.

Protect your parents’ Rs. 30 lakhs retirement money.

Avoid risky new loans and real estate deals.

Settle in UK first. Get income. Then start long term investment plan.

Work with a Certified Financial Planner for all key money decisions.

You are already taking steps towards a better life. That is a great start.

With the right moves now, your future will be financially strong.

Take one step at a time with full care.

Don’t fall into pressure or shortcuts.

Secure your parents, your family and yourself first.

Then grow your wealth with smart and safe investments.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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