Dealing with emotionally and physically abusive relatives: How can I help my mom while avoiding them?

Ans: Dear R,
Obviously your parents have no clue that their over indulgence in your sister and her life is causing her misery. Their relationship is unhealthy and they are unaware of it...things are sure to go downhill until one of them pulls back...in this case, the ideal thing would be for your parents to pull back and cut financial and emotional support till she starts behaving like an adult and become accountable for herself and her life.
Some people just don't want to grow up...and that is because they have parents or parent figures who fill in their every need and fulfil their every want.
This becomes a habit and when they don't get what they want, they will threaten just like your sister does...she basically likes playing the 'child' and hence your parents are never out of their responsibility of parenting...make them aware that it is enough and a tough stance will set her right and help her build her life.
A grown up must be one and just keep the child alive in them...but here your sister just wants to be the child and keep happily playing thar role as the parents are allowing it...kindly intervene and help your parents understand and do the right thing for their daughter...

All the best!

Ans: Dear MR,

First, let me acknowledge your courage in expressing these deeply personal emotions. It is not easy to articulate such pain, and your message reflects a strong desire to find clarity and relief in a situation that feels overwhelming. Let me assure you, you are not alone, and there are steps we can take together to help you regain a sense of control and peace.

Understanding the Dynamics
Your father’s behavior, while difficult and hurtful, seems to stem from his own unresolved emotions or unmet needs. Retirement, aging, and a sense of losing relevance can sometimes manifest as controlling or angry behavior in individuals who were once accustomed to authority or a sense of purpose. However, this does not justify his actions. Emotional safety is as important in a home as financial support, and it appears this balance is missing.

Your mother, with her passive approach, may be coping in a way that avoids confrontation but also leaves you feeling unsupported and isolated. This dynamic creates a cycle where you’re left holding the weight of everyone's emotions, which is exhausting.

Addressing Your Internal Conflict
Let’s begin by addressing the questions you’ve asked yourself:

Are you being selfish? Absolutely not. Wanting to protect your mental well-being is not selfish—it’s necessary. You cannot pour from an empty cup, and neglecting your emotional health will only harm you in the long run.
Are you missing out on something? Perhaps the only thing you might be missing is recognizing that this is not your fault. It is easy to internalize blame in such situations, but this is not about you failing—it’s about a family dynamic that needs healing.
Steps Toward Resolution
While changing deeply ingrained patterns takes time, here are some immediate and long-term strategies to help you navigate this situation:

Self-Regulation First:

When arguments or confrontations arise, focus on calming your body first. Practice deep breathing or grounding techniques. For example, count your breaths slowly or focus on the sensation of your feet touching the ground. This will help you regain control over the trembling and rapid heartbeat.
Create a safe mental space for yourself. When you feel overwhelmed, imagine a place where you feel secure and loved. Retreat there mentally for a moment to regain your composure.
Establish Emotional Boundaries:

Decide what you will and won’t accept during conversations. For instance, if he raises his voice or says something hurtful, consider calmly saying, “I want to have this conversation, but not if we can’t speak respectfully.” If he continues, you can excuse yourself from the situation.
Have a Gentle Conversation:

Choose a time when your father is calm. Express your feelings in a non-confrontational way. Use “I” statements to avoid triggering his defensiveness. For example, “I feel very hurt and scared when we argue, and it affects my health. I want us to have a peaceful relationship.”
Involve a Neutral Third Party:

Sometimes family dynamics require external mediation. If your father is open to it, consider family counseling. A neutral professional can help facilitate healthier communication patterns.
Build Your Own Resilience:

Strengthen your emotional boundaries through self-care. Engage in activities that bring you joy, whether it’s a hobby, spending time with friends, or pursuing a passion.
Journaling can also be a powerful tool to process your emotions and find clarity. Write without judgment—just let the words flow.
Support Your Mother with Empathy:

While you may feel frustrated by your mother’s silence, understand that she too is coping in the best way she knows how. Gently encourage her to find her voice and share her feelings when she feels safe.
Seek Community Support:

If you cannot share your situation with friends or family, consider joining a support group (online or in person). Knowing you’re not alone can be incredibly healing.
Plan for the Future:

While moving out isn’t an option right now, think about small steps you can take toward greater independence over time. This might include saving money, learning new skills, or preparing emotionally for when you’re ready to take that step.

A Gentle Reminder
MR, healing this situation doesn’t solely depend on changing your father’s behavior. It starts with you reclaiming your power to protect your mental health. Your peace of mind is just as valuable as anyone else’s.

Take this one step at a time. You are not broken—you are resilient. With each small action, you’ll begin to feel more grounded and capable of navigating this challenge.

If you ever need to share more or simply vent, I am here to listen.

Warm regards,
Dr. Ashish Sehgal