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Newlywed Struggling with Wife's Past: Advice Needed

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |592 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 26, 2024

Ravi Mittal is an expert on dating and relationships.
He founded QuackQuack, an online dating platform, in 2010 with just two people. Today, it has over 20 million users in India.... more
ramesh Question by ramesh on Sep 26, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Hey!! Recently married, on 1st night she accepted she had already had physical relationship with her ex but she got cheated now she don't like him at all but they had 4 years of toxic relationship. I am not able to digest that she is not virgin.she always shared different stories and lied me about her relationship she have different stories for the same partner age broke my trust by lying to me.should I trust her ?

Ans: Dear Ramesh,

I understand your concerns. While your feelings are valid, that doesn't necessarily make her the villain here. Virginity was important to you and she should've told you about her past, but you cannot push someone to open up if they are not ready. A lot of people are not comfortable sharing such sensitive details, even with their spouses. And the different stories can just be a way to cover it up because you were asking and she wasn't comfortable revealing the truth; maybe she thought she would be judged. I suggest you have an open discussion with her where you let your wife know that you are not judging her, but you felt bad that she didn't tell you the trust.

From your question, I assume that your partner's physical intimacy history matters to you, but let me give you one quick advice- the past is in the past. Your beliefs and preferences are yours, and no judgments on that, but right now you are married and the best course of action would be to have a discussion and then try to keep the past where it belongs and focus on building a better future. The past can hurt your relationship only if you let it.

Best Wishes.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1612 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 19, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 18, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
I had an arrange marriage and married for 1.5 years, after marriage I came to know my wife is not virgin, she never told about her past relationship during our pre-wedding meetings for knowing each other and fixing marriage when I had asked her if she had any past relationship as I had told her I was never involved in a relationship. She was even in touch with him after marriage and had even invited him to our wedding though he did not come. Sometimes she said she had physical relationship out of curiosity, then changed her statement to that she loved him and then said that he used to force her to have physical relation. When confronted she deleted all contacts with him but I still not able to trust her though she says she loves me. I wanted to speak to her parents but my mother asked me to stay quiet. I have lost trust in her because she was never honest from the first day, what should I do, please guide me, this feeling is just killing me! Had she told about it to me in our meetings, I would have rejected thus alliance. Please guide me Anu, I need your help!
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
What seems to bother you more?
The fact that she is not a virgin or the fact that she hid it from you.
Why I ask this question is because it will help you evaluate your feelings stemming from which of the two it is...
I do understand that you feel cheated and there is significant amount of trust lost...
Also, I gather from you that you have strong feelings about chastity, purity etc and this is fair in your world as it is part of your core beliefs.
Now let's see things for what they are...she possibly didn't tell you because she knew that you might reject the proposal OR that she wanted to start afresh and many more OR she was forced into this marriage...But the fact that it has begun to eat at your peace of mind suggests that you must speak with her about it. Tell her exactly how you have felt being lied to.
Ask her if she still is interested in being in the marriage and ask yourself the same question. If there is any scope of reconciliation and putting this scene behind you, then it maybe worthwhile to rebuild the marriage from scratch. But if your belief comes in the way and you are unable to make peace with the fact that she hid this fact, everyday will be torturous.
Whatever the decision, I suggest talking it through together without blame games as this will only lead to anger and more conflict rather than leading to a decision point.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1612 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 26, 2024

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Relationship
I have been married from last 20 years. It's arrange marriage and before marriage told me let she had an affair with a har college friend dena hai asked that if any relation physical relation has been done she said no I trusted her and married her but after 4 years of marriage I am notice that she didn't paid any attention or don't love me I always thought that there are some mistakes from my side that's why she behave like this . From last 16 years I was suffering from the situation. Recently I come to know when I saw her mobile accidentally and I come to know that she has the same affair from last 16 years with the same guy when I ask about this she told me that it was by mistake I am sorry I won't do this again after some pressureise she also told me that she did a physical relation with him before marriage and after marriage too. I was shocked cause physically I am fit and capable to satisfy her with all the way still she cheated me. Now she confess me all the things and told me promise me that she won't do any mistake henceforth. But no problem is whenever I am trying to get physical or emotional with her some thoughts in my mind game that she did all the things with another guy and cheating me so I can't make any relation ship with her. How can I trust her again we have to kids 10 year each. Please tell me what to do I am frustrated
Ans: Dear Trade,
You need to decide if you wish to trust her or not. It is difficult obviously with what you have discovered. But if you have chosen to carry on within the marriage, the only way that the mind can be managed is to accept what has happened and work with how things are today.
Give your marriage another chance and only then you can work your work through otherwise you will spend time only thinking about her cheating and what she did with the other person which anyone is not working well for you.
So, are you ready to forgive and move on OR hold onto the past? No decision is right or wrong; it's just what you want and then when you make that decision, make everything else work in favor of that decision.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |592 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 20, 2024
Relationship
Hi Sir, I met my wife in a matrimonial website.Our parents discussed our profiles and then we exchanged our numbers.We met once and then remained in contact for almost 9-10 months and during this period we became friends and met 3-4 times in public places.After that we both realised that we should see each other and get married.Then our courtship period started and I told her about my past and also told her that i had sex with my sex girlfriend.She also told me that she had 2 boyfriends and never had sex with anyone.I believed her and we met couples of times during our courtship period in cafes and hotels but never had sex.We discussed almost everything during that period and she confirmed that she is a virgin.After 6 months courtship period we got married and things were going good.After 10 months of marriage I found a chat backup on her phone and it was with her ex.They were discussing sex and with those messages it was clear that they had sex multiple times and she even took an Ipill due to unprotected sex... When i confronted her she again lied and denied the allegations.When i showed her the messages she confessed that they had sex thrice. I am broke now and this lie is taking all my peace and I am overthinking about this which is impacting my work as well.Though i am trying to be normal with her but somewhere in my conscious mind i keep on thinking this.The problem is that she lied not about the virginity. One fact that from the day we decided she never cheated on me and even i am very much loyal to her. need your help sir!!!!please suggest what to do now....
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I am glad you found your person. I understand that it is difficult for you to accept that she hid something that was important for you to know, especially when you shared your past experiences honestly. Your feelings are valid. But let's just take a second to think of this from a woman's perspective- it can be difficult for women to share certain details of their lives because of how easily society will judge them harshly for the same thing that they will ignore if a man does. I suppose she was afraid you would judge her too. Nevertheless, it was not right.

There are a few things to do now- first, focus on the positives. As you mentioned, she has been very loyal and loving to you- focus on that. Let the past be in the past; it can't be changed, but it can ruin your present and future if you let it. Second, if this revelation is causing extreme turmoil in your relationship, please consider seeing a marriage counselor together, or you can also see a therapist alone. They are professionals and can help you navigate your feelings in a more structured way.

Best wishes

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1612 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 07, 2024

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Relationship
I forgot to tell you that I already have confronted her and she admitted her affair but lied that it was for last 6 years only. She promised me to end her relation with her lover. I don't know if she is still keeping her communication with him.My question to you is that if a wife could cheat her loyal and completely dedicated husband for so many years can I ever trust her? I proposed her to marry her lover but she denied saying that he is good as a friend but not fit to be a husband. I understand that she likes me as a provider but loves him from her heart. If she had love and respect for me she could never have betrayed me ,that too for 12 years. Can I lead rest of my life with an infidel woman whom I cannot trust and respect any more? I accidentally came to know her affair with her lover, I would never know if she had or has multiple lovers over the stretch of 25 years of married life. Advise me sensibly keeping it a secret.
Ans: Dear Shristi,
What's done is done! You can't turn the clock backwards now...Yes, you are hurt by what she has done and trust is lost...now, is it possible to regain that trust?
I will ask you: Do you want to trust her again? it will happen only if you choose it...else the mind will only be focused on how not to trust her. If she does not pick your call, you may assume that she is with the other guy OR if she reads your text message and does not reply, you may assume that she is chatting with the other guy...The possibilities that will crop in the mind will be unlimited and it will bring in unlimited stress. You can see from your own example how your mind has begun to question if she has had multiple lovers...this is the way the mind will torture you.

So, either you decide to trust her OR not; it's up to you...If NO, then you have a lot of decisions to make...If YES, you really must put the past aside and then find a way of building your marriage. It will require both of you to work as a team and bring the best into the marriage. So, what is it that you want? Just focus on that and move ahead!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8598 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - May 29, 2025
Money
Hi I am 52 years old IT professional, and planning to retire by 56-57. In next 5 year I will accumulate 1 Cr each in PF and PPF , Have stocks worth 2 Cr. And I am sure it will become least 2.53 Cr. FDs worth 70 Lakhs and post office investment of 40+ lakhs. I will also get 40 lakhs from gratuity and superannuation. Please suggest how I should invest so that I will get steady income.. Other than my two sons marriage I will not have any liability Please note I don't trust Mutual funds so please don't suggest SWP, SIP..
Ans: Your preparation so far is strong. With a clear retirement age target, minimal liabilities, and good asset mix, your foundation is solid. Let us now build a secure and income-generating retirement plan for you.

Below is a complete and personalised strategy.



Your Retirement Readiness Assessment

You plan to retire by 56 or 57. You are currently 52. That gives 4 to 5 years.



Retirement corpus will include:



 – Rs. 1 crore in PF
 – Rs. 1 crore in PPF
 – Rs. 2.53 crore in stocks
 – Rs. 70 lakhs in fixed deposits
 – Rs. 40+ lakhs in post office schemes
 – Rs. 40 lakhs from gratuity and superannuation



Your post-retirement lifestyle needs to be carefully calculated. Life expectancy planning should go till age 85 at least.



Your corpus is expected to be around Rs. 6 to 6.5 crore in five years. This is strong.



Two major expenses ahead are your sons’ marriages. These can be met through a planned drawdown.



You have clearly avoided mutual funds. So, we will exclude them. We will build income using other regulated options.



Your Emergency Liquidity Plan

Emergency fund should always be available in safe and quick-access options.



Keep Rs. 15 lakhs in a laddered fixed deposit structure.



Split this into three parts maturing every 3 to 6 months.



This will help if any unexpected medical or family need arises.



FD ladder also reduces reinvestment risk. It provides better liquidity flow.



Do not invest emergency fund in long-term or risky assets.



Retirement Income Portfolio Construction

Let us focus on creating stable monthly or quarterly income from different asset classes.



This should come with minimum risk. Also, inflation should not reduce the value over time.



Split retirement corpus into three buckets:



 Bucket 1 – Safety and Liquidity (2 to 3 years income)
 – Rs. 40 to 50 lakhs in senior citizen savings scheme and post office MIS
 – These provide steady monthly or quarterly income
 – Use your gratuity and superannuation lump sum here
 – You can also consider tax-free bonds if available in the secondary market



 Bucket 2 – Medium-Term Income (4 to 10 years income)
 – Rs. 1 crore in corporate fixed deposits and bank deposits
 – Ensure these are from high-rated institutions only
 – Choose monthly or quarterly interest payout options
 – Ladder the deposits for 3 to 5 year maturities
 – Taxation should be managed through 15H or by splitting under family members if possible



 Bucket 3 – Long-Term Growth and Backup (10+ years)
 – Rs. 1 crore in PPF and PF will remain safe and tax-free
 – Use interest from these accounts later in retirement
 – Keep some part in safe dividend-paying stocks
 – Choose mature, stable companies with 10+ year dividend history



 – Reinvest dividends into bank deposits if not needed now
 – Keep part of your stock portfolio intact to beat inflation
 – But avoid aggressive stocks or sector-based stocks



 – Keep a rebalancing rule every 3 years to shift excess profits to deposits



Income Streams Planning

You need regular income from age 57 to 85 or beyond.



Monthly expenses need to be estimated accurately.



Estimate cost of living at today’s value and account for inflation.



Let us say you need Rs. 1.25 lakhs per month now.



Your PF, PPF, FDs, MIS, SCSS, stock dividends can jointly support this.



Interest from SCSS, MIS, and FDs will form your early retirement income base.



Later, start using your PF, PPF maturity and stock profits.



Withdraw PF and PPF only after 65 or later, if possible.



This structure will ensure you never run out of money.



Insurance and Risk Coverage

At 52, health insurance is extremely important.



Please keep Rs. 25 to 50 lakhs individual health policy for yourself and spouse.



Check if super top-up plans are available to expand your cover.



Renew policies every year without gap. Choose lifelong renewability.



Keep Rs. 10 lakhs medical buffer in bank if you prefer not depending on insurer.



Term insurance is optional at this stage if your dependents are financially secure.



Since you are already financially independent, you may skip term cover.



Gold and Physical Assets

Your current plan includes buying 20 gm gold every year.



While gold offers value preservation, it does not provide income.



Keep gold allocation below 10% of total wealth.



Focus more on income-generating assets like SCSS, FDs, dividend stocks.



If needed, sell part of gold for children’s marriages. Use it only for real needs.



Tax Management in Retirement

Plan withdrawals in a tax-efficient way.



SCSS, MIS, FDs – interest is taxable. Spread across family accounts.



PF and PPF – completely tax-free.



Dividends from stocks are taxable as per your slab.



Keep annual tax-free limit in mind – Rs. 2.5 lakhs basic exemption (plus 1.5 lakh for senior citizens above 60).



Split investments in spouse’s name to save tax legally.



Track your Form 26AS and AIS for interest and dividend records.



File ITR every year without fail to maintain tax history.



Asset Protection and Nomination

Assign nominees for every investment and bank account.



Update EPF, PPF, stocks, FD and PO account nominations.



Write a will if your asset size is large.



Will should mention names of family members and asset distribution.



You can also explore joint holding to simplify post-retirement access.



Keep one asset register updated every six months.



Other Useful Points for Financial Peace

Sons’ marriage fund should be kept in short-term deposits or bonds.



Do not disturb your long-term assets for short-term expenses.



Avoid loans post-retirement. Stay debt free.



Track inflation every year and review income need accordingly.



Do a full review every 2 years with a certified financial planner.



Maintain lifestyle within income. Do not overspend on lifestyle upgrades.



Prefer spending from interest. Avoid touching principal till absolutely needed.



Keep mental peace by building a system-based financial plan.



Finally

You are already ahead in your retirement journey. Assets are in place. You need a structure now.

You want to avoid mutual funds, and that’s fine. The above strategy uses only deposits, PFs, stocks, and post office tools.

This gives you inflation protection, steady income, and safety.

Rebalancing every 3 years will help you stay aligned.

Please implement it step by step, not in one go. Stay in control always.

Live simply, spend wisely, and let your money work peacefully.



Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Aasif Ahmed Khan

Aasif Ahmed Khan   |170 Answers  |Ask -

Tech Career Expert - Answered on May 29, 2025

Career
Sir during our 4 years of engineering how can we develop our skills which are required for placements and future. Since AI Is developing day by day and is replacing humans which is reason for many people losing their jobs and in future very less number of jobs. Could you please tell how can we develop our skills both dependent on college and independent on the engineering college in which we are studying
Ans: Skills to be Developed in College:
Strong Fundamentals: Master core subjects like programming (Python, Java, C++), data structures, algorithms, mathematics, and engineering principles.
Project-Based Learning: Take advantage of labs and project work—real-world applications will deepen your understanding and showcase your skills to recruiters.
Internships & Industry Exposure: Apply for internships, research opportunities, or collaborations with companies to gain practical experience.
Communication & Soft Skills: Being able to explain complex ideas clearly, work in teams, and present your ideas is crucial.
Campus Placements & Networking: Participate in career fairs, company recruitment drives, and workshops to get early exposure to employers.
Stay Updated on Technology: Follow trends in AI, cloud computing, cybersecurity, and blockchain. Sites like Coursera, Udemy, and edX offer great courses.
Develop Problem-Solving Skills: Participate in hackathons, coding competitions, and open-source projects. Websites like LeetCode, CodeChef, and HackerRank help sharpen problem-solving.
Build a Strong Portfolio: Work on independent projects, contribute to GitHub repositories, or develop apps and websites to showcase your work.

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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