Sister's Affair with Father-in-law: Torn Between Family and Ethics

Hello Mam. My sister (32F) is having affair with her father in law (61M) and friends of father in law. I got to know about it somehow on the day of rakhi when I visited her house. I asked her to stop all these, but she broken all kinds of relations with me and blocked me. She asked me to not to interfere in her life. She is my own sister. She has 2 children. They are 2 & 4 years old. My parents are no more, so I am not getting help from anyone. Her husband is a nice and genuine person. He loves her a lot. Believe me, I know her husband properly, but I don't know why is she doing this. I am not able to tell her husband because I don't want to ruin her marriage life. Her mother in law is also no more from before her marriage. My wife also tried to make her understand that it's not right, but she didn't understand. My wife asked her if there is any fault of her husband, but she replied "No". Then what is the reason behind all these ?? What should I do ??

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your concern for your sister is valid, but if she does not want that concern or suggestion or advice from you, what can you do about it?
Sadly, sometimes in life, we become spectators to dramas that we don't subscribe to BUT you have to let it be as a phase...else your relationship with her will sour and it may carry on to the next generation as well which is a well-known fact in many families.
So, don't interfere if she does not want it, you will risk losing your connection with her and the time when she is really going to need you, things would have soured too much.
Also, telling your sister's husband about it could go any way...either, he will be thankful to you and take things in his hands OR he may go about lashing at your sister and blaming you and your family...so, tread very carefully...usually, it's better to leave things alone between the couple and am sure that somewhere your sister's husband also knows about it or at least has doubts about it.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

Dear Anu,Hope you are doing well!I happened to read few of your articles on family issues hence thought of seeking advice on a very complicated family issue of mine.This is going to be really big email... sorry I badly need help!My elder sister is married for close to 8 years now.It's an arranged marriage and she is married to very big family of three sisters and two brothers....My sister's husband been the last one in the family...Since Day One of the marriage her sisters-in-law would interfere in every little thing that happens in my sister's and her husband's life. Literally everything and her life is miserable now...These three ladies never let his elder brother's wife as well to stay with her husband and now she lives separately fearing his sisters. And it's the same with my sister's life as well.It is an arranged marriage with an age gap of 10 years between my sister and her husband... Since Day One he would pick up silly fights with my sister and emotionally blackmail her... I'm not sure if he was really into the marriage.... He always complains about my sister, ill-treats her and constantly keep asking her to divorce him.He listens to his sisters and humiliates her.My parents have been looking after my sister's needs even after marriage -- phone recharges, dresses and even sanitary napkins. He has never spent money for my sister's basic needs.She has to do all house chores like washing, mopping and cleaning.... And his sister will just cook and leave... they have never let my sister to cook but complain to everyone that she doesn't want to do house chores.I have seen my sister (when I stayed with her for two days just see what was happening in the house) she wakes up at 4 am to sweep the garden mess which is close to half an acre. Then mop the house, wash vessels and clothes. She will be exhausted by the time she finishes all the work and when she finally sits to eat, the in-laws will taunt her and she has starved without eating for days.When she discussed this with her husband, he'd ignore or argue with her not to say anything bad about his sisters.Our upbringing back home was very different. We grew up around house helps who helped us with chores but my sister didn't complain about that as well. She said ‘in laws’ house is way different than mom's place.' It hurts to see my sister this way.All his three sisters rarely stay at their homes, instead they prefer staying at my sister's place and cause troubles between the husband and wife.He treats my sister like a slave.If she doesn't do what he asks her to do he says 'sign the divorce papers and leave.'According to him, my sister should never visit her mom's place. If she has to visit, she has to seek his permission and he will decide whether she can go or not and for how many days. If she stays back a day longer, he would pick up a fight. Even if he is in a different city she has to stay at her in-laws place.He works in army as a subhedhar. We have huge respect for people in the Army, that's the reason my sister was married to him despite the difference in age.And when my sister first gave birth to her son he said the most cruel thing any man could say. She had a C-section so he said, You are lame, you haven't done anything big or great, you had an operation, you easily cut open and gave birth. What pain do you think you have when you give birth in anesthesia?He would humiliate her in front of family members and friends, colleagues...We have advised her to leave him, find a job, to look after herself and the kids. We will support her. But she is not confident enough. She is so used to being dependent that she is scared of taking the big step fearing her kids’ future.She has been tolerating him more than any human can tolerate also because she is financially dependent on him.She has two kids, aged six and three.If she divorces him, she is worried about the kids’ schooling.As he is in the Army he will be moving to different cities every two years.In these 8 years of marriage, they have hardly been together for a year or more.He never took her to any deputed locations. She has to stay here in Kolar with her in-laws and he would visit her annually. My sister has to bear the brunt of the entire family.He will call my sister only if his sister permits, otherwise he will stay without calling her for months.My parents were also bearing all of his attitude for a few years until things went out of hand. Even after having 2 kids his attitude didn’t change.So my parents had to intervene.This pathetic man would find millions of ways to torture my sister mentally and physically.She was a silent and reserved kid in our family. Now she is so used to his behaviour that she is okay to live with him just for the sake of her kids. We are not that well off. My dad is a retired official who gets very little money as pension. So my parents are worried who will take care of her and kids after them if in case we file a divorce. Will alimony work here?There is no peace in our family.My parents are old and struggling with their health issues. And now there is so much of mental pressure due to all of this.After so much struggle and arguments, he finally took my sister with him to his current deputed location for 6 to 8 months. Again upon his sisters’ insistence he left his 6 year old kid with his sister and family and forced my sister to come with him or sign the divorce papers.And my foolish sister who didn't know what to do left her 6 year old kid with his sister in law family and went with her husband taking the another kid. Now she is crying day and night thinking about her kid.I went on with a huge argument with him asking what is the need for a child to leave his parents and study at his aunt's place. Since he is in the Army, changing schools should not be so difficult; he is your own kid and blood. How can you leave him alone there? He said, ‘My son will study wherever I ask him to.’When I asked him why he forced my sister to come with him leaving the kid with his sisters, he used cuss words and asked me to mind my own business. I lost my cool and said that he is acting brainless. He reminded me that he is the Army and no one can do anything to him. He said I could raise a complaint and cut the call.Now he has set rules that no one should visit or see his son. When my parents went to visit their own grandchild recently, his sisters did not allow them.I have been telling my parents to lodge a complaint against this man. But my parents feel that he is their son in law. Anything we do would affect my sister's life and brushed it aside. They’d rather convince my sister and send her back to live with the pyscho.Now they have realised and are repenting for not complaining about him earlier.Please advise us how to move further because whoever we consulted regarding this told us that we cannot complain about this. Only my sister can complain. She is scared of him and fears to lodge a complaint. She is in a different city now and wouldn't be able to do so.Is that right? Can't a grieving parent, grandparent or sister like me who is worried to the core about her sister's and cousins life complain against this saddest man?Is divorce advisable in this case or are we overdoing it? Should we lodge a police complaint? Can we write to his superior?It is possible that he might file a defamation case against us?I literally have no clue what to do or where to seek help. Please help me save my sister from this pathetic marriage.Awaiting your response.

Ans: You have built a strong base. You have raised your sons well. They live independently. You and your wife now want a peaceful and enjoyable retired life. You have created wealth with discipline. You have no home loan. You live in your own house. This gives strength to your cash flow. Your savings across equity, mutual funds, and bank deposits show good clarity. I appreciate your careful preparation. You deserve a happy retired life with travel and comfort.

» Your Present Position
Your current financial position looks very steady. You hold direct equity of around Rs 2.5 Cr. You hold equity mutual funds worth Rs 50 lakh. You also have Rs 50 lakh in bank deposits and other secured savings. Your two rental properties add more comfort. You earn around Rs 40,000 per month from rent. You also live in your owned house in Delhi NCR. So you have no rent expense.

Your total net worth crosses Rs 5.5 Cr easily. This gives you a strong base for your retired life. You plan to spend around Rs 24 lakh per year for all expenses, including travel. This is reasonable for your lifestyle. Your savings can support this if planned well. You have built more than the minimum needed for a comfortable retired life.

» Your Key Strengths
You already enjoy many strengths. These strengths hold your plan together.

You have zero housing loan.

You have stable rental income.

You have children living independently.

You have a balanced mix of assets.

You have built wealth with discipline.

You have clear goals for travel and lifestyle.

You have strong liquidity with Rs 50 lakh in bank and secured savings.

These strengths reduce risk. They support a smooth retired life with less stress. They also help you handle inflation and medical costs better.

» Your Cash Flow Needs
Your yearly expense is around Rs 24 lakh. This includes travel, which is your main dream for retired life. A couple at your stage can keep this lifestyle if the cash flow is planned well. You need cash flow clarity for the next 30 years. Retirement at 56 can extend for three decades. So your wealth must support you for a long period.

Your rental income gives you around Rs 4.8 lakh per year. This covers almost 20% of your yearly spending. This reduces pressure on your investments. The rest can come from a planned withdrawal strategy from your financial assets.

You also have Rs 50 lakh in bank deposits. This acts as liquidity buffer. You can use this buffer for short-term and medium-term needs. You also have equity exposure. This can support long-term growth.

» Risk Capacity and Risk Need
Your risk capacity is moderate to high. This is because:

You own your home.

You have rental income.

Your children are financially independent.

You have large accumulated assets.

You have enough liquidity in bank deposits.

Your risk need is also moderate. You need growth because inflation will rise. Travel costs will rise. Medical costs will increase. Your lifestyle will change with age. Your equity portion helps you beat inflation. But your equity exposure must be managed well. You should avoid sudden large withdrawals from equity at the wrong time.

Your stability allows you to keep some portion in equity even during retired life. But you should avoid excessive risk through direct equity. Direct equity carries concentration risk. A balanced mix of high-quality mutual funds is safer in retired life.

» Direct Equity Risk in Retired Life
You hold around Rs 2.5 Cr in direct equity. This brings some concerns. Direct equity needs frequent tracking. It needs research. It carries single-stock risk. One mistake may reduce your capital. In retired life, you need stability, clarity, and lower volatility.

Direct funds inside mutual funds also bring challenges. Direct funds lack personalised support. Regular plans through a Mutual Fund Distributor with a Certified Financial Planner bring guidance and strategy. Regular funds also support better tracking and behaviour management in volatile markets. In retired life, proper handholding improves long-term stability.

Many people think direct funds save cost. But the value of advisory support through a CFP gives higher net gains over long periods. Direct plans also create more confusion in asset allocation for retirees.

» Mutual Funds as a Core Support
Actively managed mutual funds remain a strong pillar. They bring professional management and risk controls. They handle market cycles better than index funds. Index funds follow the market blindly. They do not help in volatile phases. They also offer no risk protection. They cannot manage quality of stocks.

Actively managed funds deliver better selection and risk handling. A retiree benefits from such active strategy. You should avoid index funds for a long retirement plan. You should prefer strong active funds under a disciplined review with a CFP-led MFD support.

» Why Regular Plans Work Better for Retirees
Direct plans give no guidance. Retired investors often face emotional decisions. Some panic during market fall. Some withdraw heavily during market rise. This harms wealth. Regular plan under a CFP-led MFD gives a relationship. It offers disciplined rebalancing. It improves long-term returns. It protects wealth from poor behaviour.

For retirees, the difference is huge. So shifting to regular plans for the mutual fund portion will help long-term stability.

» Your Withdrawal Strategy
A planned withdrawal strategy is key for your case. You should create three layers.

Short-Term Bucket
This comes from your bank deposits. This should hold at least 18 to 24 months of expenses. You already have Rs 50 lakh. This is enough to hold your short-term cash needs. You can use this for household costs and some travel. This avoids panic selling of equity during market downturn.

Medium-Term Bucket
This bucket can stay partly in low-volatility debt funds and partly in hybrid options. This should cover your next 5 to 7 years. This helps smoothen withdrawals. It gives regular cash flow. It reduces market shocks.

Long-Term Bucket
This can stay in high-quality equity mutual funds. This bucket helps beat inflation. This bucket helps fund your travel dreams in later years. This bucket also builds buffer for medical needs.

This three-bucket strategy protects your lifestyle. It also keeps discipline and clarity.

» Handling Property and Rental Income
Your properties give Rs 40,000 monthly rental. This helps your cash flow. You should maintain the property well. You should keep some funds aside for repairs. Do not depend fully on rental growth. Rental yields remain low. But your rental income reduces pressure on your investments. So keep the rental income as a steady support, not a primary source.

You should not plan more real estate purchase. Real estate brings low returns and poor liquidity. You already own enough. Holding more can hurt flexibility in retired life.

» Planning for Medical Costs
Medical costs rise faster than inflation. You and your wife need strong health coverage. You should maintain a reliable health insurance. You should also keep a medical fund from your bank deposits. You may keep around 3 to 4 lakh per year as a buffer for medical needs. Your bank savings support this.

Health coverage reduces stress on your long-term wealth. It also avoids large withdrawals from your growth assets.

» Travel Planning
Travel is your main dream now. You can plan your travel using your short-term and medium-term buckets. You can take funds annually from your liquidity bucket. You can avoid touching long-term equity assets for travel. This approach keeps your wealth stable.

You should plan travel for the next five years with a budget. You should adjust your travel based on markets and health. Do not use entire gains of equity for travel. Keep travel budget fixed. Add small adjustments only when needed.

» Inflation and Lifestyle Stability
Inflation will impact lifestyle. At Rs 24 lakh per year today, the cost may double in 12 to 14 years. Your equity exposure helps you beat this. But you need careful rebalancing. You also need disciplined review with a CFP-led MFD. This will help you manage inflation and maintain comfort.

Your lifestyle is stable because your children live independently. So your cash flow demand stays predictable. This makes your plan sustainable.

» Longevity Risk
Retirement at 56 means you may live till 85 or 90. Your plan should cover long years. Your total net worth of around Rs 5.5 Cr to Rs 6 Cr can support this. But you need a proper drawdown strategy. Avoid high withdrawals in early years. Keep your travel budget steady.

Do not depend on one asset class. A mix of debt and equity gives comfort. Keep your bank deposits as cushion.

» Succession and Estate Planning
Since you have two sons who are settled, you can plan a clear will. Clear distribution avoids conflict. You can also assign nominees across accounts. You can also review your legal papers. This gives peace to you and your family.

» Summary of Your Retirement Readiness
Based on your assets and cash flow, you are ready to retire. You have enough wealth. You have enough liquidity. You have enough income support from rent. You also have good asset mix. With proper planning, your lifestyle is comfortable.

You can retire now. But maintain a disciplined withdrawal strategy. Shift more reliance from direct equity into professionally managed mutual funds under regular plans. Keep your liquidity strong. Review once every year with a CFP.

Your wealth can support your travel dreams for many years. You can enjoy retired life with confidence.

» Finally
Your preparation is strong. Your intentions are clear. Your lifestyle needs are reasonable. Your assets support your dreams. With a balanced plan, steady review, and mindful spending, you can enjoy a comfortable retired life with your wife. You can travel the world without fear of running out of money. You deserve this peace and joy.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment