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29-Year-Old Woman Seeking Advice on Inter-Caste Marriage Delays

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1180 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 02, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Sep 25, 2024Hindi
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Hello, I am in a relationship and have been trying to convince my parents for the past two years. We belong to different castes, and our families live far apart, which makes it difficult for us to meet in person. I am a 29-year-old woman, and my parents have finally been convinced. However, the issue is now with the boy's family. They are delaying making a firm decision. This is the second time they haven’t confirmed whether they are ready. The boy's father is elderly and unwell, but I can't tell this to my parents, as they might think his family is using it as another excuse to delay. The boy is under a lot of stress because his family blames him for his father's illness. Meanwhile, my parents are losing interest, as this is the second time they’ve been convinced, only for the boy’s family to delay. Both families have met twice, but there has never been a discussion about how to proceed with the marriage. We have a mediator known to both families, but since the boy’s parents haven’t given a clear answer, the mediator got frustrated and said something to my parents, making them suspicious. Now, the mediator wants to clear things up, but the situation on the boy's side is so sensitive that he cannot talk to his parents directly. The delays are making my parents even more frustrated. I do not want to leave him. My parents believe that because this is the second time things have fallen through, it's a bad omen. While the boy's mother and brother have no issues with the marriage, his father is still not fully convinced, and they are not taking any initiative. I’m unsure what to do. My parents are pressuring me to leave him and make a final decision. It's been 10 days since this situation escalated, and I keep fighting with them. They believe there’s no solution to this problem, but I am not ready to leave him, and neither is he. For my parents, two years feels like a long time to wait, and they think it’s time to move on.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your parents seem to be right from their point of view. Two years is a lot of wait time. I think you need to step in and bring in this perspective to your boyfriend that you cannot wait forever. It's time that he took charge and understands that by postponing, the problem does not go away!
So, let him deal with his side of the family as only he can get through to them. Stay away from worrying about his family as he needs to take responsibility for it. Talk to him and clearly state to him that waiting forever is not what you can or wish to do. Sometimes, an ultimatum can bring closure to situations that are hanging in balance.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |358 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 03, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 03, 2024Hindi
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Hi mam i am dating my bf from 10 years. He have good job. His family also very good and well settled.i told my parents about him first they say no because of different cast. But i explain them then they are ready. So i told them to meet with bf family. But every week they give reasons and in the end they cancel to meet with my bf. And they say we will get you marry to ur bf but they doesnt want to meet him and talk to him even in once not even in call. Now i am confuse i dont know what to do. My parents are not giving me any clear answer. Everyone told me they are just buying time.
Ans: It sounds like you're in a difficult situation where your parents are expressing ambiguity despite initially agreeing to your relationship. This can be very frustrating, especially when you've invested so much time and emotion into your relationship and are ready to take the next step.
First, have a calm and honest conversation with your parents. Try to understand their concerns and reservations. Ask them directly why they are hesitant to meet your boyfriend and his family. Sometimes, parents may have unspoken worries or cultural considerations that they find difficult to articulate. By understanding their perspective, you can address specific concerns rather than general resistance.

Secondly, communicate your feelings clearly. Let your parents know how important this relationship is to you and how their lack of engagement affects you. Explain that meeting your boyfriend and his family is a crucial step in solidifying your future together. Emphasize that this meeting is not just a formality but a meaningful way to blend two families and cultures.

It might also be helpful to suggest a low-pressure, informal meeting. Sometimes the idea of a formal introduction can be intimidating for parents. Suggest meeting in a casual setting, such as a family dinner at a restaurant or a small gathering at home, which might make them more comfortable and less pressured.

If your parents continue to delay without a clear reason, you may need to make a decision based on your own values and priorities. Reflect on what you want for your future and consider if your parents' hesitation is something that can be worked through with time, or if it might require you to take a stand for your own happiness.

Lastly, seek support from trusted family members or friends who understand your situation. Sometimes, having someone else advocate for you can make a difference. They might be able to mediate the conversation and provide a perspective that resonates with your parents.

Ultimately, your happiness and the future of your relationship are paramount. While it's important to respect and consider your parents' opinions, you also need to ensure that you're making decisions that align with your own values and desires. Balance patience with assertiveness, and prioritize open, honest communication both with your parents and your boyfriend.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1180 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 13, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 09, 2024Hindi
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Hi mam, My parents are very strict ones I tried to talk to them from last aug to November or December my father stoped talking to me and abused me with abusive words and my mother did not say anything she was in support to my parents, then I stopped some while , now parents are behaving normally like nothing happened and mother was asking is I forget about him i said no again and now I want to talk again about this issue but I don't how to start again I feel hesitation and i started panicking I feel so sad all the time I don't know what to do please help me . I love my parents and my partner very much , my partners parents were ready for us but now they are saying tell her to do talk to her parents fastly and ask if they are ready or not we will not wait for her , they are forcing him to marry someone else I'm so stressed all the time.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
If you are an adult and my that I mean at an age where you can legally be married, then what is the confusion?
Also, is your partner is someone who values you and is also in a good financial position? (I say this only because many girls become blind in love without realizing that his income is the one that will support the family when you are ready to have a baby wherein there will be a small break in your career or you will have the flexibility to take a break).

What is the reason for your parents to say NO to this boy? I suggest that you address that concern otherwise no amount of talking is going to convince them. Request your partner to speak with his family so that can give you sometime to talk to your parents and sort things first. You are stressed all the time because instead of finding ways to solve the problem, you have been sitting with the problem and worrying about it.

Talk to your parents first, understand why don't like your partner and what must happen for them to start liking him. See where this talk leads you to...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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