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How Can I Overcome My Deep Insecurities?

Anu Krishna |1431 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 04, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 27, 2024Hindi

Hello Anu, I want to talk about my something that has been bothering for a long time now. I am 28 years old now. I had immense body image problem as a child because I was often made fun of because of my obesity. With time I became active in school, participating in various events and was good at studies. When I was about 15 years old I started to experience hair loss as well but not too noticeable at the time. After the 1st semester in college I was able to shed excess weight and I started to feel good about how I looked, but the hair loss also continued and my confidence took a massive hit. I also found it quite difficult to commit to a relationship because I was afraid how others would perceive me and I would not be able to handle it. I was not able to keep myself happy so how could I keep someone else happy. Over the years I have kept myself occupied with my job and tried to be as social as I can be, but there has never been a moment where I could just switch off the feeling of being bothered by my hair loss, I did not let go of what I wanted to be, I just wanted to have a time where I would not be made fun of. I was quite sensitive emotionally and this aggravated after hair loss. I always feel that I could not enjoy my teenage life the way I wanted because of something that I don't know how it started. It's frustrating. I feel this huge gap between how am I supposed to be at my current age and what I actually feel as a person right now. Although I have tried to introspect even more this year and tried to accept that I will just have to find a match with what I have, I just don't understand how should I approach this. Sometimes I simulate it as business deal. My hair loss is not really something that a partner may be looking forward to. I still feel like I am not 28 years old. I am not supposed to be like this at 28. I know that there are others out there in the world in my age group who have also experience this, but I feel so isolated here just like how I used to feel as a child when someone would make fun of my weight among a group of kids. What should I do?

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
It's misshapen identity...Ultimately the only person who can accept you for who you are, is YOU. People are always going to have something to say about the way you look, what you eat, how you speak...
So, building your identity has to come from you, within you.
- how do I see myself in the mirror?
- what words do I use when I describe myself?
- what happens when I meet people?

A few questions that will give you a reality check. Self-talk is so undermined and we are the first ones to put down ourselves. Obviously, there are parts of your personality that you have overlooked as you have only focused on hair loss. Maybe you have a beautiful smile or you can hold conversations at length.

Actually do this:
Make a questionnaire that will help you figure out what people think of you. Ask these to at least 15 people. You will see the gap between how you see yourself and how others see you. This will help you when you are actively seeking a life partner as you will approach the same thing with confidence and assurance.
And maybe you can see a doctor who can help you with regaining the lost hair. Yeah?
You feel isolated because of your self-talk; so, be kind to yourself.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Question by Anon - Nov 30, 2022Hindi

Hi Ma'am,I'm a 23-year-old woman. For as long as I remember, I have been called out, insulted and shamed by my family. They have always threatened to stop all kinds of financial support if I ever disobeyed or questioned them. I have always tried my best at my studies and for my career. Even though, after seeing my achievements, their opinion of me has improved. But they're never truly happy. There's always something wrong with me. While I understand, my family only wants the best for me and probably this their way of caring for me. But the constant criticism has always impacted my self-confidence and self-image. I have missed out on several opportunities during my college years and failed to be proactive solely because of low self-esteem. I was bullied by my college mates during this period and I fell into depression and anxiety. I also developed bulimia and starved myself, hoping that losing weight could grant me more acceptance from my family and peers. In 2021, after completing my undergraduate degree, I was diagnosed with Meniere's disease and suffered hearing loss in my left ear. Furthermore, I was getting rejected from the universities I had applied to. But this turn of life changed me for better. I learnt to value myself more and ignored other people's opinion. I invested in mindfulness and spirituality and appreciated all the blessings that I had. I had improved my self-image and self-confidence greatly. Unfortunately, I had to shift to my family home and live with my extended family members. Now the nitpicking and taunts have increased even more and have kind of ruined all the improvements I made over the year. I have become more irritable and I am losing my patience with them. They have triggered all my sensitive issues again and this has greatly impacted my self-esteem all over again. With God's grace, I have received an opportunity to shift abroad and pursue a postgraduate education. I don't want to keep any kind of hard feelings against my family before leaving. I know that their opinions don't define me but yet I end up crying after every insult and argument. I want to heal and I want to forgive and forget. I have tried talking to them and have even apologised to peacefully end arguments. Yet, they repeat those words every day and each day ends in failure. I know and understand that I cannot change them. But, how do I learn to accept them when they keep on hurting me? Furthermore, the fact that they are financially supporting makes me feel guilty for questioning their behaviour. I am struggling with depression and anxiety again and I'm finding it hard to consider their emotional standpoint when my own mental well-being is messed up. How do I cope up with my mental health when I being disparaged every day?I would like to hear your opinion from a third person point-of-view and any advice would be appreciated.

Ans:

Dear Anonymous,

I can only imagine the challenges that you have been through and to turn within yourself for answers and deep inner work is nothing but the best gift that you have given yourself.

You cannot change them nor their thinking and possibly you are right that it might be the way that they care for you.

For now, till the time you leave home to pursue your life’s goals, keep things warm and simple even if the environment feels hostile or punitive.

Practise the following suggestions:

Journal your thoughts and feelings everyday
Surround yourself with friends who make you feel good about yourself
Play a sport or indulge in some physical activity to keep your anxiety levels down
Do some breathing exercises to calm your nerves
Lastly, forgive them for your own peace of mind; very hard but very blissful.

All the best for a wonderful future!

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Anu Krishna |1431 Answers |Ask -Follow

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