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Married 14 years, husband having affair - should I stay?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1639 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 03, 2025

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Feb 26, 2025Hindi
Relationship

Hello Anu, I am married for 14 yrs. I have 5 yrs old twins. Currently I am dealing with my husband's extra marital affair with his ex colleague. In 2022 we went to abroad with my husband. But I found it very difficult to adjust with 2 3.5 yrs kids with my son diagnosed with ASD. I came back to India in 6 months.In April 2024 I came to know that my husband went on vacation with his ex colleague in abroad. He even sponsored her flight ticket and entire vacation. They spent 3 nights in a single hotel room. In 14 yrs old marriage despite being love marriage, I had to sponsor my honeymoon and first anniversary. With me he is always on savings mode where as with this woman he does not even care about money. When I confronted, he and his family blamed everything on me. They said it was my fault that I came back to India. Also as per him and his family it is nothing. Friends can travel like that. They pointed everything on my trust issues. He came back to India but he did not even contact me. He just wanted to meet kids. He never accepted his affair. As per him she is just a friend. I wanted divorce first but I asked him whether he wants to marry that woman he said NO. So we started couple therapy. During therapy he accepted his mistakes and said he was alone. That woman was going through her second divorce. And they started chatting on what's app frequently. Then calls and video calls. That woman was in India. He said he wants his family. But he never gave me any details about his affair. I came to know that when he was in India during holiday they went to pune , he lied to me and went to pune to be with her. There also they spent night in 5 star hotel room. I was devasted. This also he did not tell me. Going on vacation, sharing a hotel room , sharing a bed is nothing for them. I am also BE but I feel like he has crossed all boundaries. I was devasted. I felt so much betrayed that I was getting thoughts of suicide but looking at my kids I decided to work on our marriage. In diwali he gifted me a saree, we spent quality time as family. I said let's forget all and start a new life in our new house but please leave that affair. He said ok. But again he cheated. He booked 5 star resort room for her. He even sponsored her flight ticket. I was genuinely trying to save my marriage, to build our bond but he messed it. Even after that he wants to be with me. Recently I lost my job as well. Counselor told me to ignore his affair. But my husband wants me to pay half EMI, half of everything even though he has onsite money. I feel stuck in this marriage now. This man has always neglected my needs.He never respected me, he never valued me the way he is treating that woman. He wants me to perform all wifely duties but also wants to enjoy his time with that woman. Now he is saying he has stopped contact with her. But in Diwali he said the same in temple .when I am asking for divorce he is saying I want his money. He has zero regrets , no remorse of his actions. I am mentally very much disturbed now. I feel worthless and hopeless because of all these things. Now he wants to live with me but he wants me to share all the expenses. I don't trust him now and I don't want to invest my money in this marriage as there is no transparency. He has also disrespected my parents when they went to ask him about his affair. If he loves that woman this much why can't he accept that and leave me? He wants me to take a call. He leaving me would have helped me to move on. Is it worth saving such marriage where there are insecurities, no trust , no transparency, no respect? I put my ego aside for many times but should I also loose my self respect? I have decided to protect myself now.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Clearly your therapy didn't take you anywhere and your counselor telling you to forget the affair makes it even more clear that he/she was leading you into a space of impossibility. If it's so easy to forget, why haven't you? Because it is not possible to forget what impacts you the most...
It has to be worked upon and skimmed over. What I could gather from what you have shared is that you seem to be waiting for your husband to decide the fate of your marriage!
What's your thought on it? What makes you wait for his approval or decision on it? If after repeated attempts, the marriage does not seem like a priority to him, how can you expect him to make a decision about it?
He's a pretty cat sitting on a fence playing both fields and wishing that he can be the best player on both sides of the field...You get the depth of this? He's never going to decide and this will constantly keep you on the edge not letting you move on anything.
I am sure you will be relieved knowing that the decision when in your court can help you accelerate things and it will be clear how and when you wish to move on...
The decision must be yours NOW!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1639 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 28, 2023

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Relationship
Hello, I am 41 year old professional. I had met my husband before marriage though social media 5 years back and thereafter maintaining distance relationship and meeting occasionally for 3 years we got married in 2021. It was a struggle for marriage as it was inter caste and inter religious marriage. Everything was smooth in relationship to the fact that I’m responsible for all financial matters as my husband has no job. He is still trying and looking for job. I didn’t mind much but would encourage him to get the job to be mentally and physically fit. Last year we went to his nephews marriage to his village. It was of 7 day programme. On second day I noticed him watching another women ( nephews mother’s sister who has 2 daughters) At that time I didn’t pay attention. After 2 days on a night function I saw my husband texting from far but he looked at that lady again. She also seemed to texting. I became suspicious. Later that night when he came to room I asked to show him his phone he was reluctant. I had to snatch his phone and I saw that he was texting the same lady and in that had asked her to meet her alone. and asking her where he can meet her. I gnashed cried and made a huge scene coz this was not what I had expected. He tried to convince that she was his girlfriend of past and suddenly after seeing her after sometime he only wanted to talk to her. I only asked her ... why alone? He had told me during dating that she had a girlfriend ( never told her identity) and that she has married and moved on. Feeling cheated I could not sleep but only cried that night and in the morning if we can return to our city. Programme had not finished but he agreed and we left. Since then that night and those days still haunt me ; thinking what didn’t I do to love him so much and in return we get cheated. I’m still with him, but mentally I still feel cheated and still am in doubt that he is in touch with her. I am not able to do my duties as part of my mind thinks he cheats me though I have confronted many times on this and he denies that he is not in touch with her Should I leave him or continue with this marriage? We still don’t have any baby.
Ans: Dear Vandana,
Clearly you are more into him than he is into you. Baby or no baby, he seems like someone who isn't going to be steady...what was the need to hide and plan a meeting and if the other lady has moved on, what is doing hanging around her?
And with no financial assurance and stability, he is only tuning his energies to external validation to 'up' his elf esteem...

Isn't it time you actually called him out for his wayward nature and his absolute reluctance to take on some responsibility in the marriage and home? The more you are quiet, the more he is going to feel that you are supporting this nonsense...call it out and NOW! And as for your state of mind, do know that you have it in you to hold your own...don't base you peace of mind on anything outside of you...

All the best!

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |612 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 08, 2024

Listen
Relationship
Hello, I am 41 year old professional. I had met my husband before marriage though social media 5 years back and thereafter maintaining distance relationship and meeting occasionally for 3 years we got married in 2021. It was a struggle for marriage as it was inter caste and inter religious marriage. Everything was smooth in relationship to the fact that I’m responsible for all financial matters as my husband has no job. He is still trying and looking for job. I didn’t mind much but would encourage him to get the job to be mentally and physically fit. Last year we went to his nephews marriage to his village. It was of 7 day programme. On second day I noticed him watching another women ( nephews mother’s sister who has 2 daughters) At that time I didn’t pay attention. After 2 days on a night function I saw my husband texting from far but he looked at that lady again. She also seemed to texting. I became suspicious. Later that night when he came to room I asked to show him his phone he was reluctant. I had to snatch his phone and I saw that he was texting the same lady and in that had asked her to meet her alone. and asking her where he can meet her. I gnashed cried and made a huge scene coz this was not what I had expected. He tried to convince that she was his girlfriend of past and suddenly after seeing her after sometime he only wanted to talk to her. I only asked her ... why alone? He had told me during dating that she had a girlfriend ( never told her identity) and that she has married and moved on. Feeling cheated I could not sleep but only cried that night and in the morning if we can return to our city. Programme had not finished but he agreed and we left. Since then that night and those days still haunt me ; thinking what didn’t I do to love him so much and in return we get cheated. I’m still with him, but mentally I still feel cheated and still am in doubt that he is in touch with her. I am not able to do my duties as part of my mind thinks he cheats me though I have confronted many times on this and he denies that he is not in touch with her Should I leave him or continue with this marriage? We still don’t have any baby.
Ans: Dear Vandana

I understand how heartbreaking it can be to find out your spouse is cheating. I would only tell you one thing- if the thought of leaving him has crossed your mind even once, it is worth sitting down and introspecting. If you happen to come to an understanding that separation would be what's best for you, have an open and clear discussion with your spouse. If he agrees to change his ways, you can give it another shot. But that's completely up to you. No one can force you to give him a second chance. As you said, you don't still have a child and it is best to come to a decision before there is a child in the equation. If your husband does not care about it and sticks to his behavior, there will remain not a shred of doubt that separation is the right choice. But before all of that, take a beat and think. Not from a place of anger and grudge. Calm yourself and think if you are reading too much into the situation or if is it actually as bad as it looks. It will be tough, but it is important because the rest of your life depends on it.

Best Wishes!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1639 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 17, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 16, 2025
Relationship
Dear Anu, Am Shilpa,36 years old.Got married to a friend in 2015.It was a love come arranged.Initially married life was going smooth.I was working before marriage and due to marriage and relocation , discontinued the job. After marriage i started new job even though my husband was against it.Some misunderstanding started between us slowly and most of the adjustments were done by me to avoid fights.After 2 years we were blessed with a baby boy and i had to reluctantly and was also forced to quit job to take care of our kid.And i agreed and things went smoothly again for 3 more years.I got busy with my motherhood. I felt my husband was happy and was changing for the happy family. But i was wrong, he had a physical relationship with his ex college friend. They used to have sex in hotels. They even had sex chats and used to share nude pictures . This broke my heart completely and was disturbed mentally. I wanted to enquire my husband with all the proofs in my hand.without the proof he would prove me mentally retarded women. Initially he asaulted and abused me for blaming on him.But when he knew abt the proofs, he accepted and apologised for his mistake and begged me not to take divorce only for the sake of our son.Even i dropped the idea of divorce thinking the future of our son.Later few months he acted as if he changed himself completely but he always had disrespect on me and my parents. I even suffered domestic violence once which shattered me into pieces. Even then he apologised me and forced me to drop the idea of divorce. I again started to adjust and compromise with my life only because of my kid and his good future as all elders advice. This adjustments continued for few more months.But once i saw his ex girlfriend calls and daughter pics in his mobile, i was again mentally disturbed and after thinking many times, i made up my mind and left him without explanning him . I packed all my luggage and came to my parents with my kid. Now i got a job in which i opted work from home so that i can concentrate on my kid and support myself financially. Am trying to move on but my true love towards him is making it difficult. Please advice me on this Anu mam. The step which i took is right ? After seperation he is harassing me to visit son and kidnapped him 2 times. I really don't want to share my son with him.Please advice what should I do.
Ans: Dear Shilpa,
You have done what you needed to in order to protect your child and your sanity. Your husband could never get over his affair and he possibly won't. He maybe never even tried...

I firmly suggest you go to the cops so that he does not try to take the child away...Also, have you thought about a legal separation? That will offer you and your child enough protection and it will stop his harassment. This is not an easy decision to make BUT what choice is he leaving you with? Kidnapping the child? If by kidnapping you mean that he takes away the child without informing you, please watch out and contact a lawyer. A BIG BIG RED FLAG...Act soon...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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Dear Sir, My son got CS in Thapar, CS in LMNIIT, ICT in DAIICT Gandhinagar and ECE in COEP Pune. Could kindly suggest the better one.
Ans: Thapar Institute of Engineering & Technology’s CSE programme, a NAAC A+ and NBA-accredited, ABET-recognised deemed university ranked 29th in NIRF Engineering 2024, boasts a robust placement ecosystem with 334 recruiters and 88.51% of CSE students placed over the past three years, supported by 27 state-of-the-art computing labs and strong industry tie-ups with Apple, IBM, TCS, and more. LNMIIT Jaipur’s NAAC A++ and UGC Category-I deemed CSE programme delivers an average package of ?13.87 LPA and places 70% of registered students through its dedicated placement cell, achieving an 88.51% branch-specific placement consistency over three years, underpinned by high-value recruiters like Unacademy, NAV Consulting, and Kelly Technologies and cutting-edge algorithm and AI labs. DAIICT Gandhinagar’s B.Tech ICT, NAAC A+ and UGC-accredited and ranked 201–300 in NIRF, secures 96% campus-wide placements with an average package of ?16.03 LPA through 150+ recruiters including Google, Amazon, and Deloitte, facilitated by specialised ICT, VLSI, and data-science research clusters and mandatory project-based learning. COEP Pune’s ECE, part of a NAAC A+ government institute established in 1854, records an 88.57% placement rate for E&TC students and an average package of ?12.00 LPA over three years, leveraging advanced VLSI, signal-processing, and SMT manufacturing labs established via a Centre of Excellence, and a placement cell that engages 230+ recruiters annually.

Recommendation: Prioritise Thapar CSE for its top-tier accreditation, ABET recognition, and balanced placement-infrastructure synergy; next, choose DAIICT ICT for its highest placement consistency and premium packages in the ICT domain; LNMIIT CSE is third for strong average packages and focused AI/algorithm training; COEP Pune ECE stands fourth for specialised electronics manufacturing labs and solid placement metrics in ECE. All the BEST for Admission & a Prosperous Future!

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Sir My Son Shivam soni Got electrical and computer sciences in Thapar patiala Another option may be Nagpur fire safety engineering Which shall be better for him
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Prioritize Thapar Patiala ECE for broader technology exposure, higher recruiter diversity, and interdisciplinary labs; choose NFSC Nagpur Fire Engineering if aiming for specialized fire-safety leadership roles within government and industrial safety sectors. All the BEST for Admission & a Prosperous Future!

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Bit deoghar cse or bit mesra ece
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |9696 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 11, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 11, 2025Hindi
Money
Hi sir, i'm employee and age 33 and Recently married. I have 1. Home loan 7.29 L (Outstanding), tenure 13 yrs, emi is 7000 2.personal loan 12.3L, tenure 57 months, emi is 30500. 3.Another PL 50K (Outstanding), emi is 9350 4.Need to give 1L to friend which I took long back. My monthly income in hand 92k. 1.NPS having 7k ---- Monthly Rs.500 2.Recently (2 months ago) Started a invested on Cryptocoins for BTC,ETH and INJ at Rs.7000 --- One time investment 3.Again Recently (2 months ago) Started a invested on digital gold at 10000 monthly. Tel me better management of loans and savings. Planning to retirement is April-2055.
Ans: You are only 33 and newly married. That gives you solid time to plan smartly for retirement and wealth creation. Below is a detailed 360-degree answer to guide you, written in simple Indian English, keeping your financial goals and commitments in mind.

? Your Current Financial Snapshot

– Your take-home salary is Rs. 92,000 per month.
– You have home loan EMI of Rs. 7,000 monthly.
– One personal loan EMI is Rs. 30,500.
– Another personal loan EMI is Rs. 9,350.
– You have a one-time friend repayment of Rs. 1 lakh.
– You are investing Rs. 500 monthly in NPS.
– You invested Rs. 7,000 in crypto coins recently.
– You are investing Rs. 10,000 monthly in digital gold.
– Retirement planned in April 2055, 30+ years from now.

Let’s review and re-structure your loans, investments, and savings with an expert lens.

? Evaluation of Your Loan Commitments

– Total monthly EMI is nearly Rs. 46,850.
– That takes up over 50% of your income.
– This is on the higher side for your salary.
– Home loan EMI is fine. It is low and for long term.
– But personal loans are reducing your monthly cash flow.
– These loans carry high interest rates.
– Clearing these early will bring huge relief.

– Prioritise repaying the smaller personal loan of Rs. 50,000 first.
– After that, target the 12.3L personal loan.
– Avoid prepayment of home loan for now.
– Home loan gives tax benefit. Personal loans do not.
– Do not take any new loan until existing ones are closed.
– Avoid credit card EMIs or BNPL schemes.

– Once you repay these loans, your savings power will increase.
– Try to increase your EMI by Rs. 2,000-3,000 if possible.
– That will reduce your debt faster.
– Focus all extra income or bonuses toward loan repayments.

? Friend Loan – Honor This Quickly

– Rs. 1 lakh is pending to your friend.
– Clear this first before making any investment.
– Keep personal integrity and trust intact.
– If not possible in one shot, repay in 3 parts over 3 months.
– Avoid delaying this for the sake of digital gold or crypto.

? Assessment of Digital Gold Investment

– You are investing Rs. 10,000 monthly in digital gold.
– That is a high allocation at your age.
– Gold does not create wealth. It only preserves value.
– Over long term, gold returns are less than equity.
– For young investors, equity mutual funds work better.

– Reduce digital gold to Rs. 2,000 per month or pause it.
– Reallocate remaining to mutual fund SIPs.
– Use gold only for diversification or specific goal like jewellery.
– Do not consider gold as a retirement investment tool.

? Assessment of Crypto Investment

– You invested Rs. 7,000 in BTC, ETH, and INJ.
– Crypto is highly risky and volatile.
– It can give high returns or major losses.
– Crypto is not regulated like mutual funds.
– Do not add more money into crypto now.
– Consider it like a lottery ticket, not an investment.
– Keep exposure to crypto under 2-3% of total investments.
– Avoid monthly SIPs into crypto.

? Review of NPS Contribution

– You are contributing Rs. 500 monthly in NPS.
– That is good for tax saving and retirement.
– NPS offers market-linked returns with some tax benefits.
– Increase this to Rs. 1,000-2,000 per month later.
– Don’t depend on NPS as the only retirement tool.
– Use mutual funds also for long-term wealth.

? Savings vs. Expenses – Cash Flow Management

– Income is Rs. 92,000.
– After loan EMIs of Rs. 46,850, balance is Rs. 45,150.
– Digital gold SIP is Rs. 10,000.
– NPS is Rs. 500.
– That leaves Rs. 34,650 for household and other expenses.
– Try to live on Rs. 25,000 for all expenses.
– Keep Rs. 5,000-7,000 aside for emergency or loan repayment.
– Create a budget and stick to it.
– Use apps or notebook to track all monthly expenses.
– Avoid luxury spending, impulse buying or new gadgets.

? Emergency Fund is a Must

– You must build an emergency fund.
– Keep at least Rs. 60,000 to Rs. 1,00,000 ready.
– Keep in a savings account or liquid mutual fund.
– This avoids taking loans during sudden expenses.
– Build it slowly over 6 to 8 months.
– Use bonuses or tax refunds to create this fund.

? Future Focus: Mutual Funds for Long Term Wealth

– Your goal is retirement in 2055.
– That gives over 30 years to invest and grow money.
– Mutual funds are ideal for long-term compounding.
– Choose actively managed diversified equity mutual funds.
– These are run by professional fund managers.
– They outperform index funds over long periods.
– Index funds do not beat market in volatile times.

– Avoid direct mutual fund platforms.
– They save cost, but there is no guidance.
– Wrong fund or wrong timing leads to poor results.
– Invest through Certified Financial Planner and MFD.
– They review and adjust based on your goals.

– Start with Rs. 5,000 monthly SIP in equity mutual funds.
– As loan EMIs end, increase SIP step-by-step.
– Use STP if you have lump sum to invest.
– Do not invest lump sum directly into equity funds.
– Choose growth plans, not dividend plans.

? Tax Planning Strategy

– Use home loan interest for tax deduction.
– NPS also gives extra Rs. 50,000 tax benefit under Sec 80CCD(1B).
– Mutual funds are tax efficient for long-term.
– Equity fund gains above Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%.
– Short-term gains are taxed at 20%.
– Debt fund gains taxed as per income slab.

– Fixed deposits are fully taxable every year.
– Avoid them for long-term savings.
– Use debt mutual funds for short-term goals instead.

? Retirement Plan Roadmap

– At age 33, you are in perfect stage to plan retirement.
– Target to build large corpus by 55 or 60 years.
– Use mutual fund SIPs for 20-25 years.
– Review and adjust portfolio every year.
– Shift slowly to safer funds as you near retirement.
– After 55, start SWP (Systematic Withdrawal Plan).
– It helps withdraw monthly income during retirement.
– Avoid insurance products or annuity plans for retirement.
– Do not lock money for long periods unnecessarily.

? Insurance Coverage

– You have not mentioned term insurance or health cover.
– These are critical for married people.
– Buy term insurance of at least 10 times your income.
– It protects your family in your absence.
– Also, buy a good family health insurance policy.
– Don’t depend only on company group insurance.

– Avoid ULIP or money-back policies.
– These give low returns and poor coverage.
– Keep insurance and investment separate.

? Avoid These Common Financial Mistakes

– Don’t keep adding to digital gold or crypto.
– Don’t ignore loans. Clear them first.
– Don’t stop NPS or delay mutual fund SIPs.
– Don’t use credit cards for lifestyle spending.
– Don’t take new loans unless urgent.
– Don’t invest in index funds. Active funds give better returns.
– Don’t invest directly in mutual funds without guidance.
– Don’t postpone emergency fund or insurance.
– Don’t guess your future needs. Plan and document clearly.

? Finally

– You have made a strong start.
– You are earning well and have many years ahead.
– Focus now on clearing high-cost loans quickly.
– Then increase investments steadily every year.
– Cut down digital gold and avoid new crypto purchases.
– Create emergency fund and buy insurance.
– Start mutual fund SIPs through Certified Financial Planner.
– Review your goals and portfolio every year.
– Stick to your plan. Stay consistent.
– You can build strong wealth and retire peacefully.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |8556 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Jul 11, 2025

Career
Sir, my son is getting CSE at Thapar and Dual degree MSc. Physics at BITS Pilani campus. Can you guide which is better in terms of long term career goals.
Ans: Omesh Sir, Thapar University’s four-year B.E. in Computer Science & Engineering is NBA and NAAC A+ accredited, ABET-USA recognized under the Washington Accord, and hosts 27 state-of-the-art undergraduate and postgraduate laboratories with a dedicated data centre. Its 2023 placement drive saw 334 recruiters making 1,884 offers, placing 83% of undergraduates and nearly 100% of CSE students with an average package of ?11.90 LPA. The curriculum, benchmarked to ACM/IEEE standards, features industry-aligned electives and incubation support, while strong industry tie-ups ensure ongoing research and internship opportunities.

BITS Pilani’s five-year Integrated Dual Degree in M.Sc. Physics operates under the Institute of Eminence framework with UGC and NAAC A++ accreditation, offering advanced fabrication, characterization, and clean-room facilities across Pilani, Goa, and Hyderabad campuses. Practice School internships immerse students in R&D projects; over the past three years, 73.61% of physics graduates secured placement with an average package of ?19.71 LPA. The interdisciplinary curriculum spans quantum mechanics to astrophysics, supported by a robust alumni network and global research collaborations.

Recommendation: Considering sustained high CSE placement rates, strong industry partnerships, and ABET accreditation, the recommendation favors Thapar CSE for a direct software-engineering career trajectory with guaranteed industry readiness; BITS Pilani’s dual-degree M.Sc. Physics suits those targeting advanced research, specialized R&D roles, or academia. All the BEST for Admission & a Prosperous Future!

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