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Kanchan Rai |326 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 28, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 28, 2024Hindi

Further to my previous query, my wife is still secretly talking to her ex boyfriend and chatting with him on watsapp behind my back. She is very cautious with her phone and always places it heads down and it is always locked. This is really bothering me? I dont know what to do.. our relation is good and i dont want to ask her again and confront this as she may think i am controlling her. I dont want this to continue? How can i make her stop talking to him? Please advise

Ans: First, it's important to acknowledge your feelings. It’s perfectly normal to feel uneasy and even hurt by your wife's behavior. When someone we care deeply about maintains contact with an ex in a hidden manner, it can shake our sense of security and trust. Your emotions are valid, and they deserve thoughtful consideration.

To navigate this, it’s essential to approach the situation with a focus on open communication rather than confrontation. Start by reflecting on what exactly bothers you about her communication with her ex. Is it the secrecy, the content of their conversations, or how often they’re in touch? Understanding your emotions clearly can help you articulate them better when the time comes to talk.

Choose a calm, private moment to have this conversation with your wife. It’s best to avoid bringing it up in the heat of the moment or when either of you is stressed. A peaceful setting will help you both engage more constructively. When you speak to her, try to express your feelings calmly and use “I” statements. For example, you might say, “I feel uncomfortable and uneasy when I see you being secretive with your phone because it makes me feel excluded and anxious.” This way, you’re sharing your emotions without sounding accusatory, which can help her understand your perspective without feeling attacked.

After you’ve shared your feelings, give her a chance to explain her side. There might be reasons for her behavior that you haven’t considered. Listening to her perspective can provide valuable insights and help you understand her actions better. It's crucial to approach this conversation with an open mind and a willingness to understand her viewpoint.

Discussing your boundaries and expectations regarding interactions with ex-partners can be helpful. Every relationship has different comfort levels when it comes to staying in touch with past relationships. Finding a balance that respects both of your feelings and fosters trust is important. If she acknowledges your discomfort and agrees to limit or end contact with her ex, you can work together to rebuild trust. This might involve more open communication, sharing more about each other’s day, or finding ways to reconnect emotionally.

If the issue persists or if you find it challenging to navigate this on your own, seeking help from a relationship counselor can be very beneficial. A professional can provide a neutral space to explore your concerns and work on solutions together. They can offer strategies to improve your communication and help both of you feel heard and understood.

Remember, the goal is not to control your wife’s actions but to address your discomfort and work towards a solution that strengthens your relationship. Trust and transparency are key components of a healthy partnership, and addressing these issues openly can help you both grow closer. With patience, understanding, and a willingness to listen and compromise, you can navigate this challenge together and come out stronger on the other side.