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40-Year-Old Male Software Engineer Seeking Advice on Extramarital Relationship

Anu Krishna |1186 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 14, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 13, 2024Hindi

Dont take my name. I am 40 male a software engineer and have left any hope of patch up with wife. We are leaving together for our daughters. I feel alone some time and desire for physical intimacy keeps haunting me.Should and how can i look for relationship outside.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Looking for intimacy outside does come with its set of challenges. I cannot tell you whether you should or should not look for it (That is a decision for you to make based on perspectives that I will share) and how to do the same (that is not my line of work).

Desire for physical intimacy is natural and when one does not find that with their spouse/partner, invariably the mind will try and look for it outside. If it is only a physical release, then I suggest going SOLO (masturbation) to ease your sexual energies. But the moment it involves another person outside of marriage, it is going to get complicated with possible emotional tangles from both sides. Now, that is up to you, if you choose to take on that complex situation and navigate through it.

As a side thought, is it not possible to find some sort of reconciliation between you and your wife?

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu Krishna |1186 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 27, 2020

Question by PK - Oct 27, 2020Hindi

Hello Anu, I am 48, male. I married in 2007 and we were blessed with a daughter in 2015. Ever since we were pregnant, I left my regular job and started working from home instead. Things went off smooth and professionally there is not much of a problem. Agreed, 2020 has been quite a bad year for almost everyone and I am no exception. But then, things are somewhat better with me when I see people around and learn about their getting unemployed or otherwise. My problem is related to family, relationship with my wife and this has started playing on me. The last time we indulged in any sexual activity was probably before my wife became pregnant. And even before that, she was always uninterested in having anything physical between us. At max, we would have sex just once a month. But after her birth, we have never had sex, no time together. The most we talk about in a day is the stock of this is finishing up or you need to get this or that kind of things. She works in an office, so she has friends, people whom she can talk to and spend time. I stay home caring for my daughter. Though most of the day is spent with caring for her, there is something that is dying inside me. I had tried asking her to make a visit to the consultant locally, but she has always denied. And she keeps telling me that all I need is sex from her, which of course has never been true. I wished there was some medical solution for my problems but I know there is nothing wrong. It is just some psychological issue. At times I just want to leave up everything and quit, but then I prefer not to do it thinking about the daughter. I now feel that I do need some friends, but at my age, finding them is also tough. I do not feel comfortable talking about these issues to even my friends because - 1. I do not feel that close with any and 2. I wonder, if any of those confronted up my wife with this - that would be asking for a chaos as well. I could go on into more details but am unsure if you would have that enough time. Please suggest if you can.

Ans: Dear PK, firstly, Parenting is a lot of work and to be a full-time parent from home, like you are right now, requires a lot of time and energy. Also, let’s not deny and most mothers/parents/others who are full time caregivers of a child will whisper and not say it aloud that doing that 24*7 without a break can be stressful and even monotonous at times.

They are encouraged to take a break every once in a while, to rejuvenate so they can do more and feel less exhausted.

It is pretty normal for women to lose interest in sex for a few weeks or perhaps months after the baby is born as the hormones now secreted elude her away from simply being a wife and the loving mother takes over.

This can cause a lot of rift between the new parents as the man obviously is not aware of this fact.

A book can throw more light on this and I cannot be more emphatic and say this here that it helps when the woman doesn’t have to worry about her husband and focus on bonding with the child which is of utmost importance for the development and growth of the baby.

Besides, there are other forms of affection/intimacy that can be explored so the new parents still manage to keep the spark alive.

The fact of your wife having a parallel life at her work place has become a dampener in your mind as she is definitely able to have a social life at least part of the day whereas you are not.

I do suggest you cook up some ‘Me Time’ over the weekends when your wife can bond with the baby and you can meet friends and simply unwind so that you back with a renewed vigour as the week begins.

And, it is possible to make friends at any age. Anyone who shares common interests and hobbies, can become a part of your inner circle.

It is apparent that both of you have lost communication and either your wife is unaware about how you feel or maybe she is going through something that you don’t know of.

If she isn’t comfortable going to a professional, take charge and revive your communication. Babies can demand a lot of time from their parents and if you can have someone trustworthy to watch the baby for a couple of hours over the weekend, where you and your wife can have some time to yourselves, that might help.

We can go on struggling or we can step up and do something about it. So, give it your best for yourself and your family.

Happy Bonding and have a great life!

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Anu Krishna |1186 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 11, 2024