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Stuck in a 5-year relationship: Confused about marrying a supportive partner who doesn't tick all my boxes

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |409 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 15, 2024

Ravi Mittal is an expert on dating and relationships.
He founded QuackQuack, an online dating platform, in 2010 with just two people. Today, it has over 20 million users in India.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Oct 06, 2024Hindi
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I am dating a person for 5years when we are doing internship. He is always there whenever I need any support and help in my bad time. He will protect me and loves me a lot. It is my first dating experience initially when we start dating we have intense attachment but I thought we would not be remain together for much longer time. I was always interested in good looking handsome man he is not that fair and handsome. Also he is from different caste and region(he is Bihari and I am from Uttarakhand) and in his family he has mom and sister(they are finding a match for her).I don’t know if I should marry him or not. Because I am not comfortable with his family(his mother is somewhat very concerned about his son not captured by any girl). So I think it will be a struggle for him to convince her. But my question is it is worth to go for love marriage if the boy loves you a lot but still I think there is gap with the criteria of being handsome which I dream as a young girl story even our bonds are getting stronger Please suggest what to do.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Appearance does not last a lifetime. Are you sure it is that important for you? After all, you fell in love with a man whose appearance isn't his best quality. Makes me wonder if you are just giving into the societal construct of wanting to marry for good looks.

Next, if you are concerned about your future in his house, it is best not to rush anything in terms of getting married. Think about it; have a clear discussion with him about the kind of future he can offer you. Love isn't the only thread that holds onto a relationship.

I cannot tell you if you should pursue this relationship, but I can tell you that you shouldn't break up with someone because they are not fair or handsome by your standards.

Best Wishes.

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Hi..I just saw your page and found this is the right page where I can get answer.. I am so confused and so my thoughts coming in my mind and noone in my life which I can tell. However, I found you hopefully you'll get my answer I want to marry with my partner but he is not earning as much and I'm also earning but we both started our career in 2023. And my parents wants I should get Marry with someone and he is searching. But I told my parents that I love someone but the issue is he is not from my caste that is not the big issue main issue is that my partner belongs from very nuclear family like his mother and sister is there and noone is there in his family and my parents also saying the boy is not earning a good salary and noone is there in his family how will you be happy and I don't think so he is good for you.. but my partner loves me so much he loves me till 6 years and he waited for me also. My question is that for getting a married is all this stuff matters ? My parents is arising so many questions somehow she denied..should I convince to my parents or they are saying right ??
Ans: The salary is not a problem, if he doesn’t have misplaced ego about his wife earning more than him; some men are broad-minded enough to even be proud of their wives earning more. Nor is caste; love has no fixed faith. But this nuclear family business is a red flag; I would strictly advice not living under the same roof with his mother and sister. There is bound to be friction. Then relations sour and your marriage gets strained. If he is willing to step out from under their shadow and live separately with you, and the money-making is not an issue for him, you’re making the right choice of partner. If either of the above is not realistic, I would suggest you stop trying to convince your parents and listen to what they have to say.

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Anu

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 19, 2024Hindi
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My name is Anamika 27 years old from Punjab and about 17 months back i met person prakash from Bangalore age 42 through social media and initially it started as friendship and now we are loving each other a lot and we have met once and both spent considerable time together and we are ok to get married each other...problem is my family will not accept for love marriage and they are against love marrisges...i am punjabi and boy is south indian..there is 15 years age gap between us..for that reason also my family members will not accept boy...because he is 15 years elder than me...boy is already married and divorced...now i am planning to run away from home and get married with boy...as my family will not allow me to marry the person whom i love a lot...and don't want to miss thst boy...please advise what i can do in this given situation...i have brother too who is very aggressive and supporting my parents
Ans: Dear Anamika,
By running away, you are only making things more complicated for yourself.
You said: That you family WILL NOT accept this...how do you know if you still haven't asked them?
Also, let's say that they say NO...Find out what their concern is...being from the previous generation, they most likely might have an issue with him being divorced; which means you need to make an effort to make the boy and your parents meet. Let them also see what you see in him.
How easy it is to run away rather than actually facing things head on, right? Face the, fix them, work on them...then you will have a chance at more blossoming relationships. No where in your letter, I could read what the boy's opinion or reaction to the matter is. What does he feel about all this? How committed is he as you are the one planning to leave everything behind? How is his family background? These are missing gaps in your story and I urge you to look into this before taking any step. Marriage is not a movie type fairy tale; it is literally breaking into a new life and making something together as a couple. Do you two have that in you? Think...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Kanchan

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 23, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 22, 2024Hindi
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Hii ma'am... I'm in relationship with my boyfriend for about 5 years and we both love each other a lot..We are doing MBBS and preparing for IAS alongside..He is an amazing human being.. considerate kind honest compassionate...He is really smart intelligent and determined to achieve everything he sets his eyes on...He is just so confident... a good human being...He respects me a lot..never been a time in 5 years he yelled at me in loud voice or he said or did something bad to me...like he loves me a lot and says he is doing everything for me.. his studies achievements and all are for me..He is everything I will want in a husband The problem is ... I'm a Jaat girl and he is Brahmin boy..His family agreed to our marriage...my parents are not ready at any cost for an intercaste marriage I'm from a well off family..my parents both are in govt jobs..He isn't from a rich family so my parents say that there needs to be a family background otherwise you will face problems...They say that I should find a boy who matches me in the looks.. They don't like his looks...Also his and mine home are almost 300 km from each other adding to the problem...my parents say that they won't want me to live so far from them that they can't even meet me regularly...They say that you will be busy in jobs and being so far we won't be able to meet you and you also won't be able to come..he should've been from same district... Their main objections are.. Intercaste..His looks.. Family background..Money.. Distance They have sacrificed a lot for me and I've always been a child who didn't ask for anything..never saying no to my parents..and all.. Always been close to them..it is very difficult for me to hurt them...but I love this boy so much..I can't even imagine marrying someone else..He is everything I would ever want in a husband... Ma'am please consider all the aspects and please advise accordingly what should be done..are my parents right..or they aren't...what should I do.. I'm stuck..
Ans: One thing that’s important to consider is that, ultimately, the person you marry will be the one who you will spend your life with—not your parents. It’s you who will navigate the everyday realities of this partnership. You’ve already seen the kind of partner your boyfriend is, and it sounds like you trust him deeply. He’s shown commitment, love, and respect, and those qualities are foundational to a long-lasting, fulfilling relationship.

When it comes to your parents, their concerns about caste, financial background, and distance are understandable, but these are challenges that many couples can and do overcome. Financial stability can change with time, and distance is something that can be managed with compromise, especially if both you and your partner have career goals that align. What matters most is the emotional connection and support you offer each other. It’s possible that once your parents see how happy and fulfilled you are with him, they may come around, even if it takes time.

I think one of the most crucial steps here is communication—not just with your boyfriend, but with your parents. You mentioned that you’ve always been a respectful and compliant child, and that’s a beautiful testament to the relationship you’ve shared with them. However, this might be the moment where you need to lovingly express your desires and assert your independence as an adult. Your happiness and well-being in a marriage should be the central concern. Try having an open, calm conversation with them where you acknowledge their concerns but also explain how deeply you feel for your boyfriend, emphasizing the qualities that truly matter to you—his kindness, his respect for you, and the life you want to build together.

While it’s natural to want your parents’ approval and blessing, it’s also important to recognize that they might not fully understand your relationship unless they see it from your perspective. It’s not about rebelling or hurting them—it’s about being honest with them about who you are now and what you want for your future. It may take time for them to come to terms with it, but as they see the strength of your commitment, they may begin to soften their stance.

If, after many conversations, they still cannot accept your choice, you’ll have to weigh your options. You can continue to work on slowly helping them see your perspective, or you may have to make a decision that prioritizes your happiness, even if it’s difficult in the short term. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and being with someone who supports, loves, and respects you as your boyfriend does will be far more valuable in the long run than external factors like caste or background.

Ultimately, it’s about what kind of life and partnership you envision for yourself. If your boyfriend is the one who aligns with your values, dreams, and emotional needs, you might need to help your parents understand that, even if it means navigating some tough conversations ahead.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |400 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 01, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi mam, I am in a 14 year old relationship with a man, the relationship is quite healthy until now, but our families are not accepting for marriage. Since his parents are divorced and her elder sister to. Everyone in my family is against this marriage and not one person is supporting it, but we truly love each other. Even the boy does, and he is doing everything he can for a mutual acceptance. There is no divorce history in my family till date. So sometimes, even I get sceptical about taking this relationship forward as I understand the seriousness of marriage, but I also understand that there is attachment, love, commitment, duration, everything involved in this 14 year old relationship which will make it very hard to accept someone else in place of him, so basically, I want to marry the guy, but not his family I know that’s not possible, but then what should I do? Should I just take the step forward with total faith in the man, or should I marry somewhere else where everything is great, only love will be unsure. The man has connections with both his parents and there is no custody involved. In this case. He is in a good relationship with both the parents, although he lives with his mother and sister.
Ans: Fourteen years is a profound commitment, and the fact that both of you have nurtured such a bond reflects a solid foundation that’s not easy to find or replicate. The conflict seems to lie mainly in your family’s fears and cultural values around marriage and their concern about potential patterns in relationships. This is an understandable reaction from them, given the uniqueness of his family background compared to what they’ve experienced.

It’s natural for you to feel torn, especially since you value your family’s approval and understand the complexities that can arise in marriage. While family acceptance can provide a comforting support system, there are instances when it doesn’t fully align with one’s own heart. Marrying him would mean choosing to rely primarily on each other, despite family reservations, which could require extra resilience and patience as you move forward together. Since he has strong relationships with both parents, it may be reassuring that he has a healthy view of family, despite their past. This could suggest that he has personal maturity and the ability to build a stable, loving relationship with you.

At the same time, your family’s perspective doesn’t necessarily mean there’s any curse or pattern that would carry over into your marriage. The key to deciding might be to look at the qualities he brings to the relationship, how both of you handle challenges, and whether he brings stability, honesty, and emotional support. The longevity and health of your relationship are positive indicators, and if both of you have open communication about potential concerns—like how family dynamics might play a role in the future—you’ll likely be prepared to face those hurdles together.

You’re faced with a decision that balances taking a leap of faith with the potential for some family disappointment. If he is the partner with whom you see a fulfilling life, the choice to marry might ultimately come down to what feels right to you, independent of family fears. Love, trust, and understanding—especially those that withstand the test of time—are incredibly powerful foundations. So, if you believe in the strength of your bond and feel you could weather any storm together, choosing him could be a step toward building the kind of family you truly want, even if it’s unconventional by your family’s standards.

But if you’re still unsure, taking time to express all these feelings to him, to explore your shared values and long-term goals, and to be absolutely sure of the life you want to build can help reinforce whichever path feels right for you.

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I am a 30-year-old woman from an upper-middle-class business family. I've been in a relationship for the past four years with a man who holds a government job, while I recently completed my MBA and started working at a reputable company. He comes from a modest background, and we are from different castes. About a year and a half ago, I introduced him to my family as a potential partner, but they were strongly opposed to the idea. At the time, I decided to let it go, but now I feel compelled to try again. However, I’m uncertain about how to approach my parents, and with time passing, I find myself questioning the decision to marry someone from a different background. What should I do?
Ans: First, it might be helpful to reflect on your relationship itself. After four years, you likely know each other well, and it’s good to take stock of what you value in your partner. Think about whether you see a long-term future together, especially in terms of shared goals, values, and mutual support. These are the foundational elements that matter most, regardless of background or status. If you’re truly aligned, you can have confidence that you’re making a choice based on a solid partnership.

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At the same time, it’s natural to worry about how lifestyle differences might play out. You might consider having an open conversation with your partner about any potential challenges you foresee. Talking openly now about things like finances, family roles, and lifestyle expectations can give you both a clearer picture of what marriage will look like and whether you feel ready to commit.

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 12, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 11, 2024Hindi
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hello, I'm a 49F married for 21years. It was an arranged match, and from day one my husband and sister have not gotten along. I've also been naive and under my sister's control for a long time, which has angered my husband a lot. In March they both had a verbal altercation and have not been on talking terms. Now my husband is not letting my 18y son meet my sister. My husband is demanding a sorry from my sister, post which only my son can meet her. I'm really sad as my sister dearly loves my son, also I don't feel its morally right to involve children in family politics. And my sister will not apologize to my husband. Need help to understand on how to get my innocent son out of this mess. My husband is very controlling, very angry, very interfering person, overall he has a very negative perspective on everything.
Ans: It might help to approach this from a place of calm and clarity, starting by recognizing that both your husband and your sister likely feel hurt in their own ways. Your husband’s demand for an apology may come from years of built-up tension and perhaps a feeling that he hasn’t been supported in the past. On the other hand, your sister may feel hurt or defensive, making her unwilling to apologize. While it would be ideal for them to resolve this between themselves, you’ve noticed that it’s now affecting your son, and you understandably want to protect him from being caught in the middle.

When talking with your husband, you could try sharing your perspective calmly, focusing on your son’s well-being. For instance, you could gently explain that keeping your son away from his aunt might make him feel confused or torn. Rather than asking your husband to change his mind outright, it could help to show him that your main concern is your son’s happiness, not taking sides. If he understands that this isn’t about undermining his feelings, he may be more open to a conversation.

With your sister, if you have a trusting relationship, consider sharing that her relationship with your son is important, but so is reducing tension in the family. Without asking her to apologize, you might just express that a little openness on her part could make a big difference in helping your son maintain his connections.

This might take time to work through, and that’s okay. In the meantime, keep reassuring your son that he’s loved by everyone. Explain to him that sometimes adults have disagreements, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s cared for. Keeping those bonds strong now could help everyone come to a better place down the line.

This is a tough situation, but focusing on your values—family harmony and your son’s well-being—can help guide you through it.

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Pradeep Pramanik  |176 Answers  |Ask -

Career And Placement Consultant - Answered on Nov 12, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 29, 2024Hindi
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Pradeep, I am a professional with more than 17 years of experience in Operations, team management. Currently I have started working in a global MNC in a global position. Earlier I was working with the same organization for more than 10 years. Then during Covid, I lost my job. Finally, settled down with another company with almost 40% less salary. Though I loved the role and responsibilities there. I was a Senior Team Lead there. I liked the role where I was managing the team, working with the team. But due to some internal politics, I lost my job in that organization too in this year only. Why I am saying politics? Because just before they fired me, I got best performer award and best employee of the last quarter 2024 award. Then I rejoined my old organization with lots of hope. But now I am finiding it difficult to cope up in this global role. The top management expected me to know everything within 3 to 4 months and start delivering. One of the biggest hurdle that I am facing is that earlier when I was in this organization for more than 10 years, I was in another process. This time I got in a role where the process is completely different. Also no proper training is provided. I am not get a fulfiling satisfaction from this role. Also I am not able to get job satisfaction and now I am thinking of quitting and start something of my own. A business venture or a consultancy service. But not sure how to start and also afraid of the flow of income. I have a mother who is suffering from age related problems. Have a little kid of 12 years. My wife is not working. I tried to switch jobs. But it seems that no one is there to take someone who is almost at 45 years of age. I am loosing my hope and confidence day by day. Please help.
Ans: Dear... Request you to mention the question in precise way to understand what exactly you require from us. Big question normally indicates state of confusion somewhere hence difficult to repply which will satisfy you.

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