Hi mam, I am a 19 years old girl. In 2019, after my 10th boards, I came across a guy in FB. He was 9 years older than me. He seemed to be a really nice and helping guy. And he also belonged from a prestigious university pursuing his research. After my 10th, I started preparing for entrance exams. So, he used to motivate me, give me validation, encourage me to do better in my mocks. It all happened online. I haven't even met this guy till date. At that time, he showed me the dream of targeting the best college of India of which I hadn't even thought of before. And I was also so motivated that I started studying hard. Besides, I started emotionally depending on him for validation. He is such a manipulating guy, that slowly I started falling in love with him. He told me that we should wait and see what the time decides. But, slowly he showed his real colours. He was just interested in 'friends with benefits' type of relationship with me. I strongly disagreed on it. Then days and months passed, his validation, manipulation, toxic and provocative words made me stand before an existential crisis. I used to cry out for the entire day. By 2020, during the lockdown phase, staying back at home, dealing with these sh***y things and exam pressure pushed me into depression. He made me insecure about every single thing... My academics, studies, results, my looks, my innocent nature, my previous success, my future.... every single thing. I eventually came to know he was just interested in sharing his life stories, getting an emotional support in his life, a good timepass element, hoping to get intimate with me someday. Moreover he was just interested in successful girls and ladies. So, all I thought at that period was that I have to succeed in my entrance exam at any cost and then everything will be alright.Unfortunately, I could not make it. I failed to qualify in my first attempt. I went into a severe depression, had to attend some online mental health rehab and counselling. To add salt to my wounds, the guy disclosed that he has been in a relationship since the past 1 year. And he is very happy. I broke down completely. For 5-6 months I could not study anything. I have an exam just round the corner. How can I just forget whatever happened and focus on my work? Please help and guide me... I am still having emotional breakdowns very frequently.
Ans: Dear AI,
The nature of a virtual relationship can be the way that you have mentioned.
What is being shared virtually may not be reality and it is difficult to spot this.
Now that you know, isn’t it a lesson learned not to rely on anyone outside of you for your own happiness?
Did you have to study hard just so that you fit his choice of ‘successful’ women/girls?
Can you not work hard to live your dreams?
What you lack is self-love! Something that you didn’t focus on because you were working hard to prove how relevant you are in his life so that he chooses you.
Even if this relationship works, it will be his call always and other than strive hard to be in his life, there’s nothing that will grow in it.
Moreover, isn’t it a red flag when he revealed that he has been in a relationship for over a year?
Time to get back to yourself. Value yourself more, love yourself more…if you don’t, no one else will!
Start every morning doing these little things:
- in gratitude for being alive
- list down 3 things that you love about yourself
- do one thing that you love at least for 15 minutes everyday
- spend time in Nature
- surround yourself with people that love you
These are tried and tested methods to get you out of a low phase.
Again, love yourself more and yet again!
All the best!
