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Busy CA Daughter-in-Law: Feeling Overwhelmed by Household Chores and Tense MIL

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |358 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 08, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Aug 08, 2024Hindi
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I am a CA, and I dont have much time or I dont somewhere like doing household chores but still my mother in law wants me to manage all household chores with office and studies. She only has to cook other household chores are done by me, still she is upset all the time, she never seems happy, the aura around her is very negative all the time. I try to be normal she never. What to do? Should I hire a cook and maid so that we both can relax.

Ans: It sounds like you're dealing with a lot of stress trying to balance your professional responsibilities with household chores, especially with the added pressure from your mother-in-law. It's important to address this situation in a way that maintains harmony at home while also ensuring you don't burn out.

First, have a calm and honest conversation with your mother-in-law. Explain how your work and studies demand a lot of your time and energy, and that you're finding it difficult to manage everything. Emphasize that it's not about shirking responsibilities but about finding a balance that works for everyone.

Suggest hiring a cook and a maid. This solution can help alleviate the workload for both of you, allowing your mother-in-law to relax and potentially improve her mood and overall atmosphere at home. Present it as a way to create a more peaceful and supportive environment, which can benefit both of you.

If she’s resistant, try to understand her concerns. She might feel that hiring help undermines her role or that it’s an unnecessary expense. Reassure her that the goal is to reduce stress and create a happier home, not to replace her or diminish her contributions.

In the meantime, take care of your well-being. Stress from work, studies, and household chores can take a toll on your mental and physical health. Ensure you have time for rest and relaxation, even if it means taking small breaks throughout the day.

Ultimately, finding a compromise that acknowledges both your needs and your mother-in-law’s feelings is key. This approach can help foster a more positive and supportive environment for everyone.

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 18, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 17, 2023Hindi
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I am from Middle class family. Our parents, 2 brothers, my sister and Me.My Father is no more and my mom lives alone. She does not want to stay with any of us. We all live out of country and my mother lives in India. My mother is not dependent on us financially and she can manage on her own and does not expect money from any of us. She is getting old and we need to take care of her, but I feel I am only one who checks on her and arranges for any small things she needs. My sibling don't even talk about it, I feel they think if they talk about it then they have do something. Like every other old person my mother and me have a lot of differences on everything like managing finances, or renewing something or going to hospital etc and I become the bad person because of these matters. My siblings don't get involved they just call her once a while and talk for while and manage to stay in her good books. I know that it is my duty to take care of her but I feel not appreciated or rejected when she ignores all the things I do for her when others don't. She is also old school and favors boys over girls and reject me saying that I am from a different family and always guilt traps me saying that she educated me but i earn and spent on my husband family. She hates my in-laws, but they are nice people and my husband is very supportive. Since it is my mother I don't tell these issues to anyone even my husband and it is destroying my Peace.
Ans: I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you're facing in your relationship with your mother. It can be challenging when there are differences in opinions and expectations, especially when it comes to caregiving and managing family dynamics. Here are a few suggestions that might help you navigate this situation:

Communication: It's important to have open and honest communication with your mother. Try to express your feelings calmly and respectfully, and listen to her perspective as well. Sharing your concerns and thoughts can help create a better understanding between both of you.

Seek support: While you may not want to burden your husband with these issues, it's still essential to have someone to talk to and seek support from. Consider confiding in a close friend or a counselor who can provide an objective viewpoint and offer guidance on how to cope with the emotional stress.

Boundaries: Establishing boundaries is crucial in any relationship. Make it clear to your mother what you can and cannot do, taking into account your own personal and family commitments. It's important to find a balance between caring for her and taking care of yourself and your own family.

Sibling involvement: If you feel overwhelmed and alone in taking care of your mother, you can try to involve your siblings more actively in the process. Have an open conversation with them, express your concerns, and see if they can contribute in any way, whether it's by providing emotional support or assisting with certain responsibilities.

Patience and empathy: Understand that your mother's behavior and expectations may be influenced by her upbringing, cultural beliefs, and personal experiences. Try to approach situations with empathy, even if it's challenging. Remember that she may be experiencing her own struggles and fears as she grows older.

Self-care: Taking care of your own well-being is essential. Ensure that you make time for yourself, engage in activities that bring you joy, and maintain a healthy work-life balance. By taking care of yourself, you'll be better equipped to handle the challenges that arise in your relationship with your mother.

Remember, it's normal to feel frustrated and emotionally drained in such situations. However, with patience, understanding, and effective communication, you may be able to improve your relationship with your mother and find a balance that works for both of you.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |358 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 30, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 30, 2023Hindi
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I have been married for one year. My mother in law has no respect in her talking towards me. She expects me to do all the household things and she doesn't want her daughter to do any kitchen works. Most of the time I feel like she made her son marry me just to do household things. I don't need any appreciation but I can't bear her disrespectful words. And her cunning character and lies. What can I do in such situations
Ans: Dealing with a challenging mother-in-law can be a delicate situation, but it's important to address these concerns to maintain a healthy relationship with your spouse and in-lawsStart by discussing your feelings with your spouse. Share your concerns about your mother-in-law's behavior and how it's affecting you. Ensure that you both are on the same page before addressing the issue with her. When you decide to talk to your mother-in-law, pick a calm and private setting. Avoid confrontations in the heat of the moment, and try to have a rational conversation. Clearly and calmly communicate how her words and actions make you feel. Use "I" statements to express your emotions without blaming her Make it clear what behavior is unacceptable and establish boundaries. Politely but firmly communicate what you are willing and unwilling to tolerate in terms of comments and expectations. If direct communication doesn't yield positive results, consider involving a neutral third party, a trusted family member, to mediate the conversation. Strengthen your relationship with your spouse and build a support system with friends and other family members. Having a strong network can provide emotional support during challenging times. Remember, it may take time to see changes, and it's essential to approach the situation with patience and understanding. Every family dynamic is unique, and finding the right balance may require ongoing effort and communication.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1186 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 13, 2024

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 04, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 18, 2024Hindi
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Hi, I am a 29 year old married women with a 1yr old baby girl. I am married to a lovable family. I live with my husband, MIL, FIL & SIL(youngwr to me and she is unmarried). I dont have any major issues with my inlaws. Mine is a arrange marriage. But Gods grace i got a good loving husband and inlaw fly. I was born in a middle class family buy highly pampered by parents but waa made grown to adjust, love, and respect everyone. I was very independent before marriage. I used to do what all i want But i an very sensitive. After marriage everything was going good. I was working and all household chores was done by MIL and she never asks or expects me to do even if i ask. Btw i dont know cooking except basic items. I was comitted to work later resigned my job after conceving. And baby born...etc everything was good. My mil was working initially when i got married and now she took vrs and is at home. Me also looking after baby and at home. Till now she doesnt allow me to do any work. If i ask also she says me to take rest and look after baby.whole day i have to look baby and ther is no work for me to do. She herself cooks, cleans vessels put laundry even our laundry. I feel like i want to cook do work she will immediately come and she will do it. That too she will say very sweetly. The thing is she doesnt want to hurt me as she sufferen a lot with her MIL. But this also make me worse without doing any work. It tiring to ask her everytine shall i cook today shall i do this that but she says i will do you take rest which make to think oh we dont have right itseems. Its her kitchen. I feel like sometimes i want to prepare anything for my husband or myself but can. Whenever i step inside kitchen my mil comes and looks and asks what i am doing. Like i feel that i am not independant. Also my FIL only buys groceries even that also she will only arrange. Very rarely i will say i wanted to do. But each and everytimr i cant keep asking. Its very tough only to look after my kid and not to have any work at home. Like this made me to long for having my own kitchen my own way of bying arranging this doing my household wok etc... also privacyyy plays. Even thou we had no issues directly....there is some gap within in laws ans me .. where they dont treat me as one of their fly. My mil keeps a distance. She doesnt want to dependant on me. Whenever i ask something to her like to help her she says she wants no help but later asks her daughter which make me sad. But i treat her like my mom but she keeps a distance which eventually made me to make distance with her. I could not be myself with her. We talk communicate be in safe roof no issues so far but i feel insecured. Like being in a cage. Now i feel like moving out ans starting ny owb fly. But this was not my intention. But stituation making me to think. Everything mil wants to take control. I could not even cook anything for my husband. Rather that this nothing hurts me. My mil is not bad she is overprotecting me. How to let know that i also need some me time from looking after baby so that i can do what i like like cooking, cleaning, vessel washing etc.
Ans: The key here is communication, but in a gentle and understanding way. You can express your gratitude for all the care and support your mother-in-law has provided while also sharing how important it is for you to feel more involved. Let her know that you want to be an active part of the household, whether it's cooking, cleaning, or managing some of the family responsibilities. You can explain that having that involvement helps you feel fulfilled and independent, and it's also part of what makes you happy as a wife and mother.

Rather than framing it as something she's doing wrong, approach the conversation from a place of mutual respect. It's clear that she wants what's best for you, so if you express how this would benefit you emotionally, she might be more open to giving you the space to do what you enjoy. Be patient, as it may take time for her to adjust, but creating a balance where you have some ownership over your daily life will likely help you feel more secure and at ease.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1186 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 02, 2024Hindi
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Hi Madam. I am married from last one and half years now, there has been numerous fights in between small and big ones both. In between this time I have become a mother, and, my baby is 7 months old now. My husband does nothing, did nothing in past one and half years. He is only occupied with his work all the time, he goes to office everyday mostly. Right now my baby is 7 months old and from last 7 months me and my parents are taking care of the baby. And, he absolutely shows no understanding when it comes to looking after the baby. Am also a working person. Moreover I pay all the bills when it comes to getting household stuff, paying rent, all the expenses related to baby. He is so shameless that he just doesn’t care too, when I pick these topics or raise concerns about handling the baby he gets abusive. I am not sure what to do now! How insensible can a person get if no one sees my husband would never feel that person like him exist in this world. I feel like filing a divorce petition now. He was the one who wanted to have baby so soon. I was never ready. Now when I have the baby I am the only person along with my parents and sister looking after the baby.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your husband wants a family without responsibilities and that's why neither is he interested in the baby nor in paying the bills...This is not just insensitivity but lack of emotional immaturity and the unwillingness to take on responsibilities head on...Approach a senior male member within the family who is someone that has been a role model to others in terms executing family responsibilities and is also caring and affectionate. This person can appeal to your husband and talk some sense into him.

If there's no one that fits the bill, the only option is to go to a professional for Couples Therapy. There's a reason why your husband avoids his duties as a husband and father and that needs to be uncovered and sorted out. It will also help the two of bond and connect better. Make this attempt before jumping into divorce; separating is a whole different world that comes with its own set of challenges and with the baby now in the picture, work at the marriage and putting things together.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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