Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help

Torn Between Respect & Independence: Young Wife's Struggles in Joint Family

Kanchan Rai |551 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 04, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 18, 2024Hindi

Hi, I am a 29 year old married women with a 1yr old baby girl. I am married to a lovable family. I live with my husband, MIL, FIL & SIL(youngwr to me and she is unmarried). I dont have any major issues with my inlaws. Mine is a arrange marriage. But Gods grace i got a good loving husband and inlaw fly. I was born in a middle class family buy highly pampered by parents but waa made grown to adjust, love, and respect everyone. I was very independent before marriage. I used to do what all i want But i an very sensitive. After marriage everything was going good. I was working and all household chores was done by MIL and she never asks or expects me to do even if i ask. Btw i dont know cooking except basic items. I was comitted to work later resigned my job after conceving. And baby born...etc everything was good. My mil was working initially when i got married and now she took vrs and is at home. Me also looking after baby and at home. Till now she doesnt allow me to do any work. If i ask also she says me to take rest and look after baby.whole day i have to look baby and ther is no work for me to do. She herself cooks, cleans vessels put laundry even our laundry. I feel like i want to cook do work she will immediately come and she will do it. That too she will say very sweetly. The thing is she doesnt want to hurt me as she sufferen a lot with her MIL. But this also make me worse without doing any work. It tiring to ask her everytine shall i cook today shall i do this that but she says i will do you take rest which make to think oh we dont have right itseems. Its her kitchen. I feel like sometimes i want to prepare anything for my husband or myself but can. Whenever i step inside kitchen my mil comes and looks and asks what i am doing. Like i feel that i am not independant. Also my FIL only buys groceries even that also she will only arrange. Very rarely i will say i wanted to do. But each and everytimr i cant keep asking. Its very tough only to look after my kid and not to have any work at home. Like this made me to long for having my own kitchen my own way of bying arranging this doing my household wok etc... also privacyyy plays. Even thou we had no issues directly....there is some gap within in laws ans me .. where they dont treat me as one of their fly. My mil keeps a distance. She doesnt want to dependant on me. Whenever i ask something to her like to help her she says she wants no help but later asks her daughter which make me sad. But i treat her like my mom but she keeps a distance which eventually made me to make distance with her. I could not be myself with her. We talk communicate be in safe roof no issues so far but i feel insecured. Like being in a cage. Now i feel like moving out ans starting ny owb fly. But this was not my intention. But stituation making me to think. Everything mil wants to take control. I could not even cook anything for my husband. Rather that this nothing hurts me. My mil is not bad she is overprotecting me. How to let know that i also need some me time from looking after baby so that i can do what i like like cooking, cleaning, vessel washing etc.

Ans: The key here is communication, but in a gentle and understanding way. You can express your gratitude for all the care and support your mother-in-law has provided while also sharing how important it is for you to feel more involved. Let her know that you want to be an active part of the household, whether it's cooking, cleaning, or managing some of the family responsibilities. You can explain that having that involvement helps you feel fulfilled and independent, and it's also part of what makes you happy as a wife and mother.

Rather than framing it as something she's doing wrong, approach the conversation from a place of mutual respect. It's clear that she wants what's best for you, so if you express how this would benefit you emotionally, she might be more open to giving you the space to do what you enjoy. Be patient, as it may take time for her to adjust, but creating a balance where you have some ownership over your daily life will likely help you feel more secure and at ease.