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20 Years Later, Can I Forgive Myself for Not Recognizing My Narcissist Friend?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1604 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 04, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Nov 26, 2024Hindi
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Dear Anu, How do i recognise narcissists? How do we deal with them? 20 years ago i was let doen by a friend who was a narcissists. Somestimes i can forgive him, but i cannot forgive myself not to recognise those traits in him? Can you also tell me how to understand a person s character during the initial meeting itself? What qualities should i be looking so as to not be deceived.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
There's enough and more reading material on this topic on the Internet. You may read those to actually educate yourself.
So, if you are still unsure who narcissists are, how are you sure that your friend was a narcissist?
Also, what makes you hold on to something that happened 20 years back. We are surrounded by all kinds of people; when you know somewhere you are being taken for granted, your personality has begun to change to suit the other person, you seem to go overboard to please them, watch out...you could very well be under their control.
Having said that, be kind to yourself and what happened is done...just start to become more aware when you are around people.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |587 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 22, 2024Hindi
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I am 52 year old female. I am a divorcee. I got married second time and it was the worst nightmare I went through. He was a hard core narcissist. I somehow stayed back for 4 years. Dont know why i kept on going back to him. It was a hard realization for me. He did everything possible to torture me and my daughter. Abuse, insults, gaslighting, manipulation, whatever one cannot imagine was done. I just hanged on coz i had nowhere to go at this age. This was an added advantage to him. He spoilt all my relationships at my back. I was completely choked living with him. But somehow I finally made some courage and left him forever not disclosing my details to anyone. I remained very isolated and moved to another city. I just ignored everything after that and blocked all his contacts. The main thing here is, it has been 4 years i came out of that relationship, got a divorce again which was very painful for me. But the thing is he has been sending messages for the last 4 years, all abusive language used. I am just ignoring things. Also i dont want to go to police or court coz I have had enough of all that throughout my life. Each time i block and ignore he uses a different number to message. Dont these people get tired doing all such things to another person. What kind of mentality is this. Because of all this I have kept myself isolated and dont mingle much with others. I lost everything Because of that man. Somehow got a job and surviving. I want to know what kind of people are these and what do they achieve doing all this. 4 years after leaving him i still keep getting messages though I maintained my privacy now.
Ans: For them, it’s about maintaining a sense of control, even if it means doing so through intimidation or manipulation. Abusive individuals with narcissistic traits are driven by an intense need for dominance, often unable to let go of those they once controlled. To them, harassment is a way of asserting that dominance, especially if they sense their target has gained any form of freedom or independence.

These behaviors stem from a place of deep insecurity masked by aggression, control, and a lack of empathy for the emotional and physical well-being of others. In their minds, harassment or abuse keeps the connection alive, no matter how destructive. Narcissistic individuals might not necessarily get tired of inflicting harm because, in a twisted way, it fulfills their need to feel powerful and in control. This behavior often extends over years for some abusers who refuse to let go.

Your resilience is remarkable, and choosing to move away and keep your details private was a courageous and necessary step for reclaiming your life. If you continue to receive these harassing messages, one option is to consider a digital harassment tracking tool, which could at least help you identify patterns or, if needed later, evidence if you ever decide to take a legal step. Some victims of abuse find that a written log of such instances can help them feel in control and serve as a reminder of their strength in managing each encounter without being drawn back in.

Building a support system slowly with people you trust or finding support groups for abuse survivors can provide comfort and encouragement, as isolation can be an unfortunate side effect of abuse. Re-engaging with supportive friends, therapy, or online communities for people recovering from narcissistic abuse could gently help you rediscover a world of safe and caring connections.

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Prof Suvasish

Prof Suvasish Mukhopadhyay  |790 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on May 22, 2025

Career
My son got 95.299 percetile in jee mains. Didnt appear for advanced as he is preparing fot bits. He got CS business system in Thapar. Whats the best option through csab counselling. Whats the order of preference
Ans: With a JEE Main percentile of 95.2, your son is eligible for admission to several NITs and IIITs through CSAB counselling. His best options would be to prioritize NITs with strong computer science programs, followed by IIITs, and finally, GFTIs. A strong choice would be NITs like NIT Calicut, IIIT Allahabad, or VNIT Nagpur, followed by IIITs with CSE programs like IIITM Gwalior or IIIT Delhi.
Order of Preference for CSAB Counseling:
1. NITs with strong CSE programs:
Consider NIT Calicut, NIT Kurukshetra, SVNIT Surat, and VNIT Nagpur, as these are known for their good placements and infrastructure.
2. IIITs with CSE programs:
IIITs offer specialized computer science programs and are a good option if you're aiming for a career in software development or AI. Consider IIIT Allahabad, IIITM Gwalior, IIIT Delhi.
3. GFTIs (Government Funded Technical Institutes):
These are generally less prestigious than NITs and IIITs, but can still offer a good education. Consider COEP Pune or other GFTIs that have good placement records.
4. Thapar CS Business Systems:
While Thapar is a good institution, it's important to consider whether your son's interests align more with a traditional CS program or a more business-oriented one. He could also consider upgrading to a better CS program through CSAB if possible.
Important Considerations for CSAB Counseling:
Preferences:
Carefully consider your son's interests and career goals when filling out his preferences. Don't just focus on the top-ranked colleges; also consider the specific programs and their faculty.
Cut-offs:
Check the previous year's cut-offs for each college and program to understand the level of competition.
Placements:
Research the placement records of each college and program to see how well graduates are getting jobs.
Infrastructure and Facilities:
Consider the quality of labs, libraries, and other facilities that are available at each college.
Location:
Think about the location of the college and whether it's suitable for your son's needs.
By carefully considering these factors and prioritizing the right choices, your son can maximize his chances of securing a seat in a good engineering program through CSAB counselling.

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