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20 Years Later, Can I Forgive Myself for Not Recognizing My Narcissist Friend?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1355 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 04, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Nov 26, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Dear Anu, How do i recognise narcissists? How do we deal with them? 20 years ago i was let doen by a friend who was a narcissists. Somestimes i can forgive him, but i cannot forgive myself not to recognise those traits in him? Can you also tell me how to understand a person s character during the initial meeting itself? What qualities should i be looking so as to not be deceived.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
There's enough and more reading material on this topic on the Internet. You may read those to actually educate yourself.
So, if you are still unsure who narcissists are, how are you sure that your friend was a narcissist?
Also, what makes you hold on to something that happened 20 years back. We are surrounded by all kinds of people; when you know somewhere you are being taken for granted, your personality has begun to change to suit the other person, you seem to go overboard to please them, watch out...you could very well be under their control.
Having said that, be kind to yourself and what happened is done...just start to become more aware when you are around people.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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I am 52 year old female. I am a divorcee. I got married second time and it was the worst nightmare I went through. He was a hard core narcissist. I somehow stayed back for 4 years. Dont know why i kept on going back to him. It was a hard realization for me. He did everything possible to torture me and my daughter. Abuse, insults, gaslighting, manipulation, whatever one cannot imagine was done. I just hanged on coz i had nowhere to go at this age. This was an added advantage to him. He spoilt all my relationships at my back. I was completely choked living with him. But somehow I finally made some courage and left him forever not disclosing my details to anyone. I remained very isolated and moved to another city. I just ignored everything after that and blocked all his contacts. The main thing here is, it has been 4 years i came out of that relationship, got a divorce again which was very painful for me. But the thing is he has been sending messages for the last 4 years, all abusive language used. I am just ignoring things. Also i dont want to go to police or court coz I have had enough of all that throughout my life. Each time i block and ignore he uses a different number to message. Dont these people get tired doing all such things to another person. What kind of mentality is this. Because of all this I have kept myself isolated and dont mingle much with others. I lost everything Because of that man. Somehow got a job and surviving. I want to know what kind of people are these and what do they achieve doing all this. 4 years after leaving him i still keep getting messages though I maintained my privacy now.
Ans: For them, it’s about maintaining a sense of control, even if it means doing so through intimidation or manipulation. Abusive individuals with narcissistic traits are driven by an intense need for dominance, often unable to let go of those they once controlled. To them, harassment is a way of asserting that dominance, especially if they sense their target has gained any form of freedom or independence.

These behaviors stem from a place of deep insecurity masked by aggression, control, and a lack of empathy for the emotional and physical well-being of others. In their minds, harassment or abuse keeps the connection alive, no matter how destructive. Narcissistic individuals might not necessarily get tired of inflicting harm because, in a twisted way, it fulfills their need to feel powerful and in control. This behavior often extends over years for some abusers who refuse to let go.

Your resilience is remarkable, and choosing to move away and keep your details private was a courageous and necessary step for reclaiming your life. If you continue to receive these harassing messages, one option is to consider a digital harassment tracking tool, which could at least help you identify patterns or, if needed later, evidence if you ever decide to take a legal step. Some victims of abuse find that a written log of such instances can help them feel in control and serve as a reminder of their strength in managing each encounter without being drawn back in.

Building a support system slowly with people you trust or finding support groups for abuse survivors can provide comfort and encouragement, as isolation can be an unfortunate side effect of abuse. Re-engaging with supportive friends, therapy, or online communities for people recovering from narcissistic abuse could gently help you rediscover a world of safe and caring connections.

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Janak

Janak Patel  |8 Answers  |Ask -

MF, PF Expert - Answered on Dec 04, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 30, 2024Hindi
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Money
Hi, i am 52years old, wanted to retire early, following are my investments, MF - INR 65L, Equity - INR 22L, 3 houses, one is self-occupied, other 2 houses valued at INR 90 L and INR 32L respectively, i have home loan outstanding of INR 12L, FD of INR 36L , PF INR 32L, monthly expenses requirement is INR 1 L, kindly help me to plan my early retirement. Thank you in advance for your reply on my question.
Ans: Hi,

As there are many things to consider for an early retirement, one of the first is to start thinking about it in a more realistic manner. An early retirement is not necessarily stop working life, but think of it as a more comfortable schedule that provides you opportunities to relax and pursue your passion and interests and live life on your own terms. You may or may not undertake an activity which can be monetized, meaning which provides you some sort of income - not necessarily to cover your living expenses in whole/part. So do give it some thought of how you intend to keep yourself occupied once you retire from your "current schedule". Will you generate any source of income or will you incur/require more expense.

At current age of 52, an early retirement even if we consider at 55 years of age, it a still a long life ahead. I will make a lot of assumptions in my response as these are not known from your query - such as life expectancy of another 30 years, average return of 8% on all investments for future etc. Are the 2 real estate properties earning any kind of rent that can be considered as income.
There are too many variables that go into the calculations for retirement which are specific to each individual and their circle of life.

Generic solution - You have a currently accumulated investments valued at INR 2.65 Cr (all investments less loan).

Current monthly expenses is INR 1 Lac, over which inflation needs to be applied each year (depends on lifestyle and composition of items of expenses).

So if your cumulative investments appreciate at average 8% annually, and your monthly expense increases at 6% annual inflation, your current accumulated investments are just about enough to manage expenses for next 30yrs (excluding tax implications - refer below).

Points to consider -
1. Inflation in real world is more than 6% (depends on the individual)
2. Liquidation of investments e.g. Real estate attract expenses/fees and tax on capital gains as it will be lumpsum
3. PF post retirement will earn interest only for 3 years, so you need to plan to re-invest the amount
4. Interest income on FD attracts tax at slab rate
5. Withdrawal of amount for monthly expense from your investments will attract tax on capital gains (MF and Equity)

I strongly recommend you connect with a Certified Financial Planner for personalized guidance and prepare a plan that will take into consideration your risk profile and overall investment management towards the retirement. Benefits will include a more tax efficient plan which will consider your requirements and ensure retirement goals are achieved and if there is a shortfall - what alternatives you need to consider.

Hope this is helpful and all the best for the future.

Regards
Janak Patel
Certified Financial Planner.

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Dr Nagarajan J S K

Dr Nagarajan J S K   |174 Answers  |Ask -

Health Science and Pharmaceutical Careers Expert - Answered on Dec 04, 2024

Career
Sir I am preparing for mbbs, but I'm not able to crack that. I'm a middle class student. Can I pursue mbbs in abroad under 8 lakhs in a best college for mbbs?After that can I able to be a doctor in India?
Ans: Hi Lagna,

It seems you haven’t provided the details clearly on this platform. If you could share more information, I’m sure you will receive helpful input.

Based on your message, I understand that you are considering pursuing a career in medicine. If you intend to enroll in a medical program either in India or abroad and plan to practice in India after completion, here are some important guidelines according to the National Medical Commission (NMC):

You must appear for the NEET exam, as it is a mandatory requirement for anyone wishing to pursue graduate medical education in India or elsewhere while intending to return and practice in India. According to the NMC eligibility criteria: “No student shall be eligible to pursue graduate medical education either in India or elsewhere (if they want to return and practice in India), except by scoring the minimum eligible score at the NEET UG exam. The UGMEB will announce the list of eligible students periodically.”

Therefore, I recommend preparing for the NEET exam and trying to secure admission in India itself. If you choose to pursue medical education abroad, you can still practice in India, but you will need to pass exit exams as well.

Regarding your question about pursuing MBBS abroad for under 8 lakhs, are you asking if this is per year or for the entire course? Studying abroad at that cost per year is possible. However, when you take into account the total expenses, which include course fees, accommodation, food, travel, visa, and other costs, it might be more feasible to complete your MBBS in India.

I hope this clarifies your queries!

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Patrick

Patrick Dsouza  |879 Answers  |Ask -

CAT, XAT, CMAT, CET Expert - Answered on Dec 04, 2024

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Hi Sir, I am 41 years old. I've 15 years of experience in Finance (FP&A) domain. In last 2.5 years I have changed 3 companies due to lay off, Cultural misfit and latest one due to Personal and family issue. I quit my last job in Sept'24 (from Apr;24 to Sept'24). Due to some family issues, Lay offs, Challenges faced on the job I am feeling very low. I don't have any confidence left as a result don't want to return to work out of fear and anxiety. However, I also want to upskill myself and thinking of pursuing US CMA. But I am in dilemna that with around 15 years of work experience would it open any gates for growth opportunities going forward. Another dilemna that I am constantly fighting is to whether think of making a switch from Finance domain to Learning & Development domain. I have good communication & interpersonal skills and have always had a liking towards L&D domain. Now myself on a Career break I am not sure how to proceed further - Whether to pursue my Career in Finance and look for jobs in Finance domain and then gradually look to switch to L&D domain or Look for the opportunities only in L&D domain. I have an emergency fund that can take care of my expenses for next 6-8 months. Looking forward to your guidance that can help me bounce back in my career as I am feeling lost, depressed and Lack of Confidence at present in life. Thanks.
Ans: Learning is a continuous process. So doing a course in Finance should not be a problem. As far as getting into LnD domain, start with being a faculty in one of the colleges or can start with taking private tuitions. See if it suits you. If it does, then you can decide to make the switch.

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