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Kanchan Rai  |59 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 26, 2023

Arsh Question by Arsh on Feb 26, 2023

Dear Mam, I am a 46 year old married man for last 15 years. My wife is 39 year old ... We had an arranged marriage. The marriage all along appeared very happy, so to me. We had a very happy married life.. Our elder child is 13 years. ..... We have another who is 6 year .. ..... Around 8 years back my wife was regularly chatting with her old friend and he was openly flirting... I asked my wife to be careful and stop it.. Which she promised..... ... But she never did, she used to delete the chats and occasionally drop his name... I thought she is a wife, a mother and trusted her.... Last year i came to know that she was meeting him too.. I confronted her... and she gave excuses that it was just few... And she only sat in his Car and took some rides, never got down, never went with him anywhere... Never went to any place, apartment or hotel.. and she insisted it was just few and very recent. ... I checked and found she has met him earlier too.. I checked and found she had paused her google timeline off and on.. She had his contact as hidden in Hangouts, and had exchanged some photographs of hers with my Son to him.. She used to gift him on his birthday........ She was regularly chatting and delteting the messages on all forums with him... On again confronting, she admitted that this all started in 2016...and these are the only visits... She claiming she was afraid so didnt tell all initially.. She says she has met him, but never comitted Adultery... She saying she is remorseful, did a very big blunder and trying all hard to win back my trust... But its very hard to believe and trust...the reason 1) She did not disclose everything to me on first time of confronting...she disclosed only recent visits 2) On being asked to cut off all contacts..she told me she has asked her friend not to contact her thru any mode, but she did not delete him/block him from WhatsApp, Facebook, Truecaller, Mobile contact list..this i had to do. 3) Third she admitted she liked Going out wit him.......4) She so silently used to chat with him even when i was around all these years that i did not suspect....We both are working.. ..please Suggest ..... Hope my identity will not be Disclosed

Ans: Discovering that your wife is talking and meeting with a friend and hiding it from you can be a challenging and stressful situation. If you feel that the friend is flirting with your wife, it can further complicate things and cause feelings of jealousy, insecurity, and mistrust. However, it is essential to approach the situation calmly and objectively and take steps to address the issue.

The first thing to do is to communicate openly and honestly with your wife. Express your concerns and feelings and ask her to explain her relationship with the friend. Listen carefully to her side of the story and try to understand her perspective. It may be that there is a reasonable explanation for their interactions, such as a long-standing friendship or a professional relationship.

However, if you still feel uncomfortable with their interactions and suspect that there may be something more going on, it is essential to address the issue directly. Let your wife know how their interactions make you feel and explain why you feel uncomfortable with their friendship. It is essential to avoid accusing your wife of anything and instead focus on your own feelings and concerns.

It is also important to consider your own behavior in the relationship. Are you feeling jealous or insecure due to your own issues, or is there a valid reason for your concerns? Take some time to reflect on your own feelings and assess the situation objectively.

If you feel that the friend is indeed flirting with your wife, it may be necessary to set some boundaries. Let your wife know what behavior is unacceptable and make it clear that you expect her to respect your feelings and the boundaries you have set.

In some cases, seeking the help of a professional counselor or therapist may be beneficial. A therapist can help you both work through your feelings and emotions and develop a plan to move forward in a healthy and positive way.

It is essential to approach the situation with patience, understanding, and open communication to ensure that you can navigate this difficult time and move forward in a positive direction.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Love Guru

Love Guru   |155 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 07, 2022

Dear LG, Please don't disclose my name. I don't want to share my personal problems with others. I am 45 years old, married 13 years ago; my wife's age is now 38 years. I got two kids. My wife is pretty (she takes lot of care for her beauty) and I want to live simple. I kept faith on my wife so I didn't interfere in her life. From last four years, I am staying away from family (because of work I have shifted to other city, monthly once I go back , purchase everything, give money for expense and return to job). She keeps her mobile with security. Once, by mistake, I read her WhatsApp message. One of her office client was praising her pics and she was responding to him. So I told her, be official, don't entertain, if they fall behind you and we may face problem. She agreed but is doing the same thing and deleting his messages. Then I wanted to see what all things she does in WhatsApp. So her link I shared in my mobile and started reading her messages. She use to chat with one married person from last three years, she changed his name in her mobile and kept his wife's name. Three years back he proposed her with love song. My wife used to support him, sometimes she used to delete the messages. He knows all my family history. Whenever they get time, they used to talk each other in phone. Some messages I read, they were planning to meet also. She always come home very late, I didn't question her because I kept faith, but as I told you I have two kids in home. If she comes late, they are facing a problem (they stay alone until she comes back). Simultaneously she is chatting with another married friend. She says he is like a brother in front of me, but that person says baby, darling, dear, love, etc, in his conversation and forwarded some love songs and calling her for long drive. My wife replied some other day we will go. He replies, You always says same thing. I will become old one day. Then I was surprised and guided my wife indirectly. I told, don't entertain any person they may start to trouble you or if anybody troubling you please tell I will help you. We got two kids so we got lot of responsibility. She got a clue that I am reading her messages, so immediately she deleted all messages and after some days she deleted their numbers, along with that she deleted some other numbers also!  Why, I don't know. Once I told my son, beware, I can track you and tell where are you going and what are you doing. But from that day onwards, my wife is blocking her internet at 6 pm (when her office closes) and unblocking when she returns home. I am worried regarding this behaviour. I have stopped reading her messages now. But now I am feeling very uncomfortable because her behaviour is very soft with me, (previously she was very aggressive, she used to fight with me unnecessarily.) Please guide me how to handle the situation. What can I do now? Sometimes I feel I should leave everything go somewhere or is it a punishment for marrying a pretty girl? What to do? Please guide how handle the situation. Regards.

So, in a nutshell, you think your wife was flirting behind your back, you dropped some hints and then she has either stopped, or then stopped you from spying on her phone.

First of all, why are you dropping hints to her instead of talking straight? Which husband is going to appreciate his wife being wooed by other men with all this darling-baby love talk?

Even if she’s not having an affair, the flirty behaviour is bound to make you uncomfortable. Don’t you think you should call her out on it instead of pretending like some other man is making her uncomfortable?

Clearly, she’s enjoying the attention!

You seem very timid and intimidated by your wife. And if her behaviour has changed toward you for the better because you suspect she is guilty of something, all the more reason to get to the bottom of it!

Stop playing games and pussyfooting around her. Do some straight-talking for a change instead of going behind her back and reading messages!

And FYI, being good-looking doesn’t give any spouse licence to make their partner insecure!


Love Guru

Love Guru   |155 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 13, 2022

Dear Love Guru, My wife and I are in an arranged marriage since around 15 years and there is nothing that we celebrate about our relationship, except kids which are the only reason for our existing relations. I am working abroad and have visits for a month on vacation after every couple of months. After marriage, I noticed my wife’s flirting behaviour with strange men (to seduce) during many occasions but initially ignored it. However, I found it frustrating when I felt her to be habitual flirter. I then spoke to her, which was after around 2.5 years of our marriage, and she denied the matter. Soon noticing such perpetual habits about her, we went on for non-talking terms some time and then a storm broke out in our house. My parents and her parents supported her, since I couldn’t prove any of her behaviour. She has been lying since her behaviour was noticed and even after that, but my love for her and my child (at that time) made me feel that probably that I need to avoid any suspicious behaviour. Such storm was repeated even recently few years earlier. I had thought my idea of a second child would improve our relations, but it hasn’t helped. I could still notice her flirting behaviour with strangers and even with known personnel including my relatives. I even believe her to be in relationship with one of my cousins, based on my observations of their behaviour during our every meet, which I cannot speak of due to my previous experience and which will otherwise definitely terminate our relations. Actually, we are never on good terms these days whenever I visit home and mostly converse only if required. We are also not good in bed and I have also been feeling a low erectile in bed these days. These moments have affected me psychologically and I feel very negative about our relationship. My family remains my priority and I have been trying to see that we all are all happy as a family. I have even sacrificed my own family time for better earnings so that my family can get all the best in life. She takes good care of the children and manages the house nicely. I also ensure that we, as a family, go out on long journeys for travel and my children are everything for me. I have trying to cope up with all this by focusing on work and socialising with friends to the best extent possible. However, her behaviour (in spite of my presence) makes me feel negative. How can I deal with the matter since any re-attempt on my part to speak on the same matter, even if cordially, with my wife will create another storm like earlier? I wish to sort out the differences and need your advice. Should we meet a counsellor separately on this to sort out the matter? Keep me anonymous and respect my privacy.

You’ve been sweeping the same issues your marriage has faced from the very beginning under the carpet for 15 years. Why?

And instead of addressing the issues, you decided to go ahead and have a second child?

Having a child is a joy in itself, but it is never the solution to marital woes; in fact, in most cases it only exacerbates the problem.

From everything you’ve told me, you seem to come across as an insecure husband.

I’m not saying that what you’ve told me is untrue, but you keep suspecting your wife of flirting with random men and have no proof of it.

Both sides of the family support her and let me tell you, unless she is a master of deception, no one can conceal their true nature so well from everyone else for the better part of two decades.

Maybe what you construe as flirting is simply her being friendly? Maybe you’re just not comfortable with the manner in which she interacts with other men?

Have you ever managed to prove her inappropriate relations? And when you accuse her, she blows up at you... a guilty party would not react in so volatile a manner.

I do think marital counselling is in order. And yes, maybe separately at first and then together.

Contact a good therapist and do it sooner rather than later... 15 years has been long enough!



Anu Krishna  |580 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 19, 2022

Hi Anu, I am 35, male. We had a love marriage seven years ago after being together for eight years in friendship. During our courtship, she was in other city in India for three years her higher education.There she befriended a guy, her college mate and eventually we broke up. I was hurt badly. In 2013 she messaged me and asked to marry her but I didn't respond on social media. She would message me every 5-6 months initiating a talk but I never responded. She was in a relationship with the guy while she was messaging me (I read her messages post marriage hence I know).She also had one or two guys interested in her where she had casual talk relationship also while she was not interested in marriage with the first guy from her college. Meanwhile she kept messaging me also between 2013 and 2014.Somehow we met in 2015 and got married. Lately I happened to read messages somewhere on social media about her intimate relationship with the first person (the reason we broke up ) and I was devastated to know that as she had promised she didn't have any relationship with the particular person as it was the first condition for marrying her.Recently I read her messages again with some old friend of her where she approached him and instantly got into intimate chat with him to the extent that she said she loves him and plans to go on a trip with him citing official trip since she works. I am stunned since then. She claims to love me and plans our future and everything but somewhere I sense something is fishy.My queries Should I trust her?Should I confront her?What to do if she plans to go on trip with him while lying to me and I know about it? Should I confront her before she goes on trip?If she says sorry after confronting how can I trust?

Dear T,

The very fact that you have approached me, a total stranger on the topic of whether you can trust your spouse or not, simply means that somewhere you have lost trust in her.

The timelines are a little confusing to me and hence what I would say to you is that: Past is the past and what happens there and what people do is what they can in the best possible manner. So, do not bring the past into a present decision.

But if there are any parallel relationships brewing now that are threatening your mind and the marriage, kindly confront her calmly and with ample evidence in your kitty to produce in case she denies them. But make sure that the evidence that you have is all real with time stamps on it.

Do make sure that the confrontation is not for you to prove a point and score high but it comes from a place where you want to know where this marriage is headed.

This helps avoid unnecessary arguments and will help you both be in a solution space.

If she says sorry, you need to ask yourself, if you can move ahead placing trust on her again.

What must she do to gain your trust? State this clearly to her. Move on this quickly before it eats your peace of mind.
All the best!


Ravi Mittal  |79 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Feb 23, 2023

My name is Rajesh, I am 50 year old 4years back I got to know that my wife is in relationship with someone and after inqiuring in detail I found that, that was her second relationship. Earlier relationship was broken 1 year before. and she told me all herself when I ask on condition that if she didnt tell me I may take dicision of breaking. so sho told me everything without hiding. she is telling me that she still loves me. Arter that she stoped all contacts but after a year she strated developing contacts with facebook messenger and developed one more relationship with one FB friend. again when I got to know she stoped contacting him. this time ther was no physical relationship, but she admitted that he once kissed her. the boy tried to contact her in all ways but she somehow stopped this matter. I love my wife very much. I forgive her every time. three year passed now all this year she was not going outside alone without me. but in these days I also insisted her to go out, and she started going to yoga class where she used to go early and she is very happy now days. I dont know whether I am doing correct or not, some time I still have dought in my mind whether she will start again doing affairs. I am some times afread, dont know what to do. whether I should still continue trusting and loving my wife or what. we have one son age 16 now. I am confuesd sometimes but till date happiness is maintained in the family. But I am feeling lonely somtimes. what to do?
Ans: Dear Rajesh,

I can understand it is an impossible situation for you but this too shall pass. First things first, are you happy in a relationship that involves cheating, not once, but twice and who's to say there won't be a third? Ask yourself that. If the answer is no, it is quite understandable, but if it's yes, then why? Why would anyone be happy with a partner who cheats over and over again? Why do you think you deserve such a life? Granted, relationships are not all rainbows and butterflies all the time, but they should not look this grim either. You alone have kept it going for this long, and maintained harmony by accepting your partner's infidelity time and again; ask yourself what would happen if you allowed yourself to stop. You can stop tolerating it, you know?

The question isn't how you should deal with your partner who is evidently a repeat cheater. The question is how you should deal with the situation and why are you reacting in a way that almost makes me think that you believe you deserve such a relationship. As for your kid, divorce or separation has much less effect on a child than a broken marriage with two unhappy parents.

If you still want to continue, that is also okay. To each their own, but don't forget to ask yourself what are you staying in this marriage for; your kid, societal pressure, or is it unconditional love for your wife, who, by the way, does not reciprocate the same for you.

Best Wishes!
Latest Questions

Sushil Sukhwani  |109 Answers  |Ask -

Study Abroad Expert - Answered on Oct 04, 2023

Can you please give me any tips for preparing for GRE?
Ans: Hello Vishal,

First and foremost, thank you for getting in touch with us. I am happy to hear about your plans on preparing for the Graduate Record Examination (GRE). To prepare well and secure good grades, I would suggest the following tips:

1. Get to know the structure or format of the GRE
2. Make a study plan
3. Make use of authentic GRE study resources or guides
4. Practice on a regular basis
5. Get to know your strengths and weaknesses in each component of the GRE. Also, pay more attention to the areas that require improvement.
6. Sharpen your mathematical abilities by solving maths problems
7. Write Essays and pay heed to the format, flow of the essay, and clarity.
8. Enhance your vocabulary through vocabulary apps and flashcards.
9. Brush up on your reading skills by reading journals, newspapers, and literature.
10. Appear for Mock Exams
11. Understand the mistakes you have made in the mock exams and learn from them.
12. Do not practice continuously, engage in brief breaks during study sessions to remain alert and concentrate better.
13. To acquire more guidance, make use of GRE test prep books, engage in courses online, or consider hiring a teacher.
14. Register for the GRE exam well before you intend appearing for the test in order to obtain a seat.
15. If you plan on appearing for the GRE in offline mode, ensure that you visit your exam centre beforehand.
16. Be mindful of any modifications in the structure of the GRE or its rules as well as any updates.
17. Maintain a Healthy Balance
18. Master Time Management. Answer easy questions first and save the difficult ones for later. Avoid dedicating ample time to one question.
19. Stay Confident and remain assured to earn good grades in the test.
20. On the day of the test, carry all the required materials, including the ID and the admission test card.

Preparing for the GRE examination requires one to put in a lot of effort and time. I would suggest that you create a study plan in accordance with your personal strengths and weaknesses.

For more information, you can visit our website.

Sushil Sukhwani  |109 Answers  |Ask -

Study Abroad Expert - Answered on Oct 04, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 24, 2023
I have completed my BE in Mechatronics in 2016. Then i started working in embedded electronic segment. But now i want to do masters from USA with top universities in power electronics. What is process. Which university will be best. Is power electronics will be good choice as academically i am from mechatronics background but professionally i am from embedded and power domain.
Ans: Hello,

To begin with, thank you for contacting us. I am glad to hear about your plans on pursuing a Master's degree in the USA. As an answer to your question, I would like to let you know that it is indeed possible and rather a fruitful step to shift from a Bachelor's degree in Mechatronics to a Master's degree in Power Electronics in the United States. Take the following steps into consideration.

1. Conduct a thorough study and choose: As the first step in the process, I would recommend that you conduct an extensive study on the field of your choice i.e. power electronics and take into account the employment possibilities it has to offer. Although you have a background in mechatronics as previously mentioned by you, you should make sure that the field of power electronics matches your career objectives and interests, and for the same, I suggest that you get in touch with field experts as they will be able to advise you better.

2. Select Universities: There are a number of universities that are renowned for their programs in the field of power electronics. I recommend that you conduct a comprehensive study and list universities. University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign, Massachusetts Institute of Technology, University of California, Berkeley, Stanford University, and University of Michigan are among the prominent ones. In addition, the university’s location, scholarship opportunities they have to offer, the experience of faculty members, and the likelihood of you securing admission should also be taken into account.

3. Appear for the GRE and English Proficiency Tests viz., IELTS or TOEFL: Majority of the universities in USA require students to prepare for and undertake the GRE i.e. Graduate Record Examination. You may also be required to prove your fluency in the English language through appearing for English competency tests viz. the IELTS or TOEFL, if English is not your first language.

4. Submit a Strong Personal Statement or Statement of Purpose: Next, I would suggest that you draft a strong personal statement or Statement of Purpose that outlines your reasons for wanting to pursue a Master's degree in Power Electronics, how your training in mechatronics as well as your hands-on experience in the embedded and power sectors will help you succeed, and the reasons behind selecting the universities you intend applying to.

5. Submit Academic Marksheets and Endorsement Letters: Along with the SOP, you will also need to submit your BE program marksheets, and obtain strong recommendation letters from instructors and employers who can attest to your educational and work abilities.

6. Take necessary courses: As mentioned earlier, you have a background in mechatronics and now wish to pursue your Master's in Power Electronics. To aid in your transition from mechatronics to power electronics, and to fill in the knowledge gap between your training in mechatronics and the particular demands of power electronics, you may be required to appear for certain prerequisite courses. The courses that you may be required to appear for are mentioned on the websites of the universities.

7. Plan your Finances: Studying in the USA can be a costly affair, and so I suggest that you plan your finances adequately. Take into account your financial circumstances. Also universities in USA offer ample scholarships and assistantships, look into the possible financial aid options that universities have to offer.

8. Make Applications to Universities: As part of the application procedure you will need to submit all the necessary documentation, pay the required application fees, and adhere to application deadlines. I suggest that you complete each university’s online application procedure.

9. Apply for a Visa: On receiving a Letter of Acceptance from the university, as the next step in the process, you will be required to apply for a student visa. Generally, an F-1 visa is required to study in USA. I suggest that you submit the required paperwork and adhere to all the visa prerequisites.

10. Prepare to Migrate: The final step in the process will require you to make all the necessary arrangements. Arrange for accommodation, obtain a medical insurance, and make arrangements for other requirements in the country. Understand the customs and academic standards of the country.

As an answer to your query whether power electronics is a good choice or not, I would like to tell you that as you have expertise in the power and embedded sectors, this field can be a fantastic one. Different sectors viz., electric vehicles, renewable energy, consumer electronics, etc. all depend on the field of power electronics. As mechatronics frequently includes the combination of mechanical systems, control systems, and electronics, your knowledge in the field of mechatronics can offer a distinct viewpoint.

Lastly, the university that you select should resonate with professional ambitions and research pursuits with the filed of power electronics. I would suggest that you conduct a thorough study on not only the courses but also the expertise of the faculty members at each university to ascertain which one best suits your educational and professional goals.

For more information, you can visit our website.

Sushil Sukhwani  |109 Answers  |Ask -

Study Abroad Expert - Answered on Oct 03, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 03, 2023
I am doing WILP M.Sc IT first year BITS It is a course of 2.5 years in BITS. Can i join for 2nd year in abroad universities
Ans: Hello,

First and foremost, thank you for getting in touch with us. I am happy to hear about your plans on deciding to pursue the 2nd year of your WILP M.Sc IT BITS Pilani program at a university overseas. As an answer to your query, I would like to inform you that a number of factors including overseas universities’ guidelines as well as your BITS Pilani program’s acknowledgement play a vital role in deciding whether or not you are eligible to pursue the second year of the program at a university abroad. Please take the following factors into account:

1. Consider the program’s acknowledgement and accreditation: Accreditation or getting certified guarantees a student that his/her degree is legitimate and recognized by universities across the globe. As the first step in the process, I would suggest that you make sure that the pertinent academic institutions in India as well as overseas, both recognize as well as accept the WILP M.Sc. IT program at BITS Pilani.

2. Get to know the Transfer Guidelines: Transfer students are generally accepted by certain universities. Nevertheless, they possess unique prerequisites and constraints, and thus, in my opinion, it’s best to consult your preferred universities overseas in order to understand their guidelines with respect to the credit transfer from other schools/universities.

3. Familiarize Yourself with prerequisites for Admission: For transfer students, varying prerequisites for admission may be set forth by varying universities. I suggest that you get to know and adhere to not only their education criteria but also their prerequisites for language competency.

4. Ensure a coherence between the course curriculum: You will need to make sure that there is a coherence between the course of study that was completed by you at BITS Pilani and the program of study at the international university. Remember that in order to fill in any gaps, you may be needed to appear for other extra courses.

5. Plan your Finances: Pursuing studies overseas can be a costly affair, and for this reason, you will need to ensure that you have sufficient funds to pay for your living costs, tuition fees, as well as other miscellaneous expenditures.

6. Get in touch with education counselors: To better comprehend the consequences and the steps involved in the process of transferring to a foreign university, I highly recommend that you get in touch with education counselors at BITS Pilani as they will be in a better position to offer specialized advice based on your circumstances.

7. Get to know the Application Deadlines: You should get to know the last date to apply to your preferred universities overseas. For that, I recommend that you start planning well in advance and send in your application as per schedule.

8. Follow Visa and Immigration Prerequisites: There are visa and immigration prerequisites associated with studying overseas that you will be required to look in. To be able to study in your preferred country, I suggest that you adhere to the visa requirements in order to acquire the appropriate authorization.

I would like to inform you that transferring to an overseas university to pursue the second year of your studies is indeed possible. Nevertheless, you will need to take into account all the aforementioned aspects and plan meticulously. To see if you qualify and to understand the likelihood of transfer, I recommend that you conduct an extensive study and directly get in touch with each university as each may have unique prerequisites and guidelines.

For more information, you can visit our website.
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.


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