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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |405 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 26, 2023

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Arsh Question by Arsh on Feb 26, 2023Hindi
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Relationship

Dear Mam, I am a 46 year old married man for last 15 years. My wife is 39 year old ... We had an arranged marriage. The marriage all along appeared very happy, so to me. We had a very happy married life.. Our elder child is 13 years. ..... We have another who is 6 year .. ..... Around 8 years back my wife was regularly chatting with her old friend and he was openly flirting... I asked my wife to be careful and stop it.. Which she promised..... ... But she never did, she used to delete the chats and occasionally drop his name... I thought she is a wife, a mother and trusted her.... Last year i came to know that she was meeting him too.. I confronted her... and she gave excuses that it was just few... And she only sat in his Car and took some rides, never got down, never went with him anywhere... Never went to any place, apartment or hotel.. and she insisted it was just few and very recent. ... I checked and found she has met him earlier too.. I checked and found she had paused her google timeline off and on.. She had his contact as hidden in Hangouts, and had exchanged some photographs of hers with my Son to him.. She used to gift him on his birthday........ She was regularly chatting and delteting the messages on all forums with him... On again confronting, she admitted that this all started in 2016...and these are the only visits... She claiming she was afraid so didnt tell all initially.. She says she has met him, but never comitted Adultery... She saying she is remorseful, did a very big blunder and trying all hard to win back my trust... But its very hard to believe and trust...the reason 1) She did not disclose everything to me on first time of confronting...she disclosed only recent visits 2) On being asked to cut off all contacts..she told me she has asked her friend not to contact her thru any mode, but she did not delete him/block him from WhatsApp, Facebook, Truecaller, Mobile contact list..this i had to do. 3) Third she admitted she liked Going out wit him.......4) She so silently used to chat with him even when i was around all these years that i did not suspect....We both are working.. ..please Suggest ..... Hope my identity will not be Disclosed

Ans: Discovering that your wife is talking and meeting with a friend and hiding it from you can be a challenging and stressful situation. If you feel that the friend is flirting with your wife, it can further complicate things and cause feelings of jealousy, insecurity, and mistrust. However, it is essential to approach the situation calmly and objectively and take steps to address the issue.

The first thing to do is to communicate openly and honestly with your wife. Express your concerns and feelings and ask her to explain her relationship with the friend. Listen carefully to her side of the story and try to understand her perspective. It may be that there is a reasonable explanation for their interactions, such as a long-standing friendship or a professional relationship.

However, if you still feel uncomfortable with their interactions and suspect that there may be something more going on, it is essential to address the issue directly. Let your wife know how their interactions make you feel and explain why you feel uncomfortable with their friendship. It is essential to avoid accusing your wife of anything and instead focus on your own feelings and concerns.

It is also important to consider your own behavior in the relationship. Are you feeling jealous or insecure due to your own issues, or is there a valid reason for your concerns? Take some time to reflect on your own feelings and assess the situation objectively.

If you feel that the friend is indeed flirting with your wife, it may be necessary to set some boundaries. Let your wife know what behavior is unacceptable and make it clear that you expect her to respect your feelings and the boundaries you have set.

In some cases, seeking the help of a professional counselor or therapist may be beneficial. A therapist can help you both work through your feelings and emotions and develop a plan to move forward in a healthy and positive way.

It is essential to approach the situation with patience, understanding, and open communication to ensure that you can navigate this difficult time and move forward in a positive direction.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |431 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Feb 23, 2023

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My name is Rajesh, I am 50 year old 4years back I got to know that my wife is in relationship with someone and after inqiuring in detail I found that, that was her second relationship. Earlier relationship was broken 1 year before. and she told me all herself when I ask on condition that if she didnt tell me I may take dicision of breaking. so sho told me everything without hiding. she is telling me that she still loves me. Arter that she stoped all contacts but after a year she strated developing contacts with facebook messenger and developed one more relationship with one FB friend. again when I got to know she stoped contacting him. this time ther was no physical relationship, but she admitted that he once kissed her. the boy tried to contact her in all ways but she somehow stopped this matter. I love my wife very much. I forgive her every time. three year passed now all this year she was not going outside alone without me. but in these days I also insisted her to go out, and she started going to yoga class where she used to go early and she is very happy now days. I dont know whether I am doing correct or not, some time I still have dought in my mind whether she will start again doing affairs. I am some times afread, dont know what to do. whether I should still continue trusting and loving my wife or what. we have one son age 16 now. I am confuesd sometimes but till date happiness is maintained in the family. But I am feeling lonely somtimes. what to do?
Ans: Dear Rajesh,

I can understand it is an impossible situation for you but this too shall pass. First things first, are you happy in a relationship that involves cheating, not once, but twice and who's to say there won't be a third? Ask yourself that. If the answer is no, it is quite understandable, but if it's yes, then why? Why would anyone be happy with a partner who cheats over and over again? Why do you think you deserve such a life? Granted, relationships are not all rainbows and butterflies all the time, but they should not look this grim either. You alone have kept it going for this long, and maintained harmony by accepting your partner's infidelity time and again; ask yourself what would happen if you allowed yourself to stop. You can stop tolerating it, you know?

The question isn't how you should deal with your partner who is evidently a repeat cheater. The question is how you should deal with the situation and why are you reacting in a way that almost makes me think that you believe you deserve such a relationship. As for your kid, divorce or separation has much less effect on a child than a broken marriage with two unhappy parents.

If you still want to continue, that is also okay. To each their own, but don't forget to ask yourself what are you staying in this marriage for; your kid, societal pressure, or is it unconditional love for your wife, who, by the way, does not reciprocate the same for you.

Best Wishes!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1321 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 19, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 18, 2023Hindi
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I had an arrange marriage and married for 1.5 years, after marriage I came to know my wife is not virgin, she never told about her past relationship during our pre-wedding meetings for knowing each other and fixing marriage when I had asked her if she had any past relationship as I had told her I was never involved in a relationship. She was even in touch with him after marriage and had even invited him to our wedding though he did not come. Sometimes she said she had physical relationship out of curiosity, then changed her statement to that she loved him and then said that he used to force her to have physical relation. When confronted she deleted all contacts with him but I still not able to trust her though she says she loves me. I wanted to speak to her parents but my mother asked me to stay quiet. I have lost trust in her because she was never honest from the first day, what should I do, please guide me, this feeling is just killing me! Had she told about it to me in our meetings, I would have rejected thus alliance. Please guide me Anu, I need your help!
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
What seems to bother you more?
The fact that she is not a virgin or the fact that she hid it from you.
Why I ask this question is because it will help you evaluate your feelings stemming from which of the two it is...
I do understand that you feel cheated and there is significant amount of trust lost...
Also, I gather from you that you have strong feelings about chastity, purity etc and this is fair in your world as it is part of your core beliefs.
Now let's see things for what they are...she possibly didn't tell you because she knew that you might reject the proposal OR that she wanted to start afresh and many more OR she was forced into this marriage...But the fact that it has begun to eat at your peace of mind suggests that you must speak with her about it. Tell her exactly how you have felt being lied to.
Ask her if she still is interested in being in the marriage and ask yourself the same question. If there is any scope of reconciliation and putting this scene behind you, then it maybe worthwhile to rebuild the marriage from scratch. But if your belief comes in the way and you are unable to make peace with the fact that she hid this fact, everyday will be torturous.
Whatever the decision, I suggest talking it through together without blame games as this will only lead to anger and more conflict rather than leading to a decision point.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1321 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 19, 2024Hindi
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Hi.. good evening.. i want your advise.. we are married for 6 months now and we had a arranged marriage. My mistake was not informing my wife about my past relationship which we had broken up badly and immediately after my marriage my ex girlfriend shared our pictures with my wife purposefully and she got upset with that and me and my family convinced my wife that i have broken up with her and i dont have any contact with her and it is true and i am loyal to my wife. Everthing was normal after that and 2 months passed and i observed that my wife is in regular contact with a guy on phone whom she calls friend and talks to him daily. I confronted this to her and she told that he is just her freind and he had helped her before during her difficult times. Again this continued and i asked her to stop contacting him daily and even though he is a friend what is the point in talking to him daily and she just cried telling that i am controlling her and she feels like she has no freedom and is in jail and i am not allowing her to talk to her friends. After this she limited her talks with him and seemed fine by me as it is just a friendly casual talks 2 to 3 times a week. One day she asked me reply to one of her emails and wanted to upload some file. While i went to upload i had access to her google photos and i was shell shocked to see lots of photos of her with this guy whom she calls friend and in close proximity. Also there are pictures of them dated 3 to 4 years back and also the most hurting part is the pictures of her with him after our marriage as well. She had told me that they have a college get together and reunion and she had went with him on that day and stayed overnight as well. I was literally shocked by this and confronted her immediately and then she told me that she was in relationship with him and her parents did not agree so couldnt marry him and even he also cancelled many marriage proposals because of her and she betrayed him and happily married now with me while he is still not married and she feels guilty as all this happened to him because of her and so she talks to him daily and she can only feel ok once he is married. I told her she has to stop talking to him if we want to keep this marriage.. she tells me if i leave her she is dead as even her parents wont accpet her and also he (her ex boyfriend) will not accept her and she says she has nowhere else to go.. she still cares for me though but i dont know what else to do.. she still talks to him 2 to 3 times a week... please advise how to go about this
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your wife was never into this marriage and it became convenient for her to pursue a link with her ex-boyfriend once she found out about your past.
Everything that she does now being justified. You are right in putting your foot down, but have you seen a favorite toy being snatched away from a child? The need for that toy only gets stronger.
The way that you can counter this is by showering her with a lot of care and attention as I do gather that the two of you want this marriage. You want it as you are in love with your wife, she wants it as she has nowhere to go. Fair enough! The reasons right now might not be the same BUT someday with much love going into the relationship, the two of you can be on the same path.

Now, the question is: Are you willing to wait and pour more into the relationship? She will waver for a while going back and forth between you and that guy; it will hurt you...There will be a lot of anger and perhaps feelings of inadequacy in you, BUT you know that it's not the case. Can you persist on this journey? I sincerely believe that somewhere along the way, she is bound to stick by you when she realizes the stability that you can offer and that the sheen out there will wear out. Possible? Are you willing? If you are, go for it...Love, care, stability, security is something that is core in any marriage...be a part of it!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1321 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 26, 2024

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I have been married from last 20 years. It's arrange marriage and before marriage told me let she had an affair with a har college friend dena hai asked that if any relation physical relation has been done she said no I trusted her and married her but after 4 years of marriage I am notice that she didn't paid any attention or don't love me I always thought that there are some mistakes from my side that's why she behave like this . From last 16 years I was suffering from the situation. Recently I come to know when I saw her mobile accidentally and I come to know that she has the same affair from last 16 years with the same guy when I ask about this she told me that it was by mistake I am sorry I won't do this again after some pressureise she also told me that she did a physical relation with him before marriage and after marriage too. I was shocked cause physically I am fit and capable to satisfy her with all the way still she cheated me. Now she confess me all the things and told me promise me that she won't do any mistake henceforth. But no problem is whenever I am trying to get physical or emotional with her some thoughts in my mind game that she did all the things with another guy and cheating me so I can't make any relation ship with her. How can I trust her again we have to kids 10 year each. Please tell me what to do I am frustrated
Ans: Dear Trade,
You need to decide if you wish to trust her or not. It is difficult obviously with what you have discovered. But if you have chosen to carry on within the marriage, the only way that the mind can be managed is to accept what has happened and work with how things are today.
Give your marriage another chance and only then you can work your work through otherwise you will spend time only thinking about her cheating and what she did with the other person which anyone is not working well for you.
So, are you ready to forgive and move on OR hold onto the past? No decision is right or wrong; it's just what you want and then when you make that decision, make everything else work in favor of that decision.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |431 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 22, 2024Hindi
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A bit long story I'm 21 student preparing for medical competative entrance exam for past 3 years (21-24).2 year ago this phase I was in a long distance relationship for 4 months with a girl I met in my class .But it didn't last long due to the problems created due to distance as she couldn't understand myself and I couldn't understand herself.so there was a misunderstanding and I couldn't hold on as I was in heavy pressure by exams and financial problems.so I couldn't handle and I felt like too early and broke up with her by losing my mind.she was completely disappointed as I didn't speak to her for more than an year due to one more year preparation.i missed her very much but I didnt tell her.I missed govt seat in border mark and the same year she got into a relationship with another guy in her class.i don't blame her. But I feel like my entire life is shattered and I couldn't move on from that girl till now.I couldn't concentrate on my career too.im kind of person who is always confident in all aspects but I have totally lost my mind .I can see that in an danger situation as age is running and family pressure, everyone of my classmates are far ahead of me I couldn't withstand this situation and couldn't make proper decision in any aspect. Mam please help me out.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand your concerns. The first step is to focus on moving on; she has, and you should too. Prioritize your career, your family, and your future. Next, what has happened to your career progress has already happened. It's unfortunate, but there's no way to change that. But give yourself a second chance; work harder and achieve greater things than you even imagined before. Trust me, you are not the only person who is standing in a situation like this. Many have, and many more will. But the ones who have passed this time will give you the same advice that I did.

Best Wishes.

...Read more

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |682 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Nov 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 13, 2024Hindi
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Sir, I am 40yrs old. Having monthly takehome salary of 1.1 lakh and rental income of 36000. My investment are 2 flats worth of 1cr. 4 plots in Bhubaneswar worth of 2crs. EPF balance 50 lakh, LIC policies worth of 16 lakhs, NPS worth of 10 lakhs. My monthly saving commitments are - EPF (employee+employer) 28000 NPS 15000 MF 7500 Gold scheme 5000 Financial burden - HL emi of 24000 Monthly expanses 50000 I would like to retire at 50. Please advise for retirement plan with life expectancy of 80yrs.
Ans: Hello;

The value of your investments after 10 years;

A. EPF Corpus+Contribution: 1.6 Cr
B. NPS Corpus+Contribution: 53 L
C. MF(sip) + Gold(sip): 25 L
D. Real estate (land): 3.26 Cr

So sum of A, C & D gives us a corpus of 5.11 Cr

Since you will withdraw NPS before 60 age 80% of corpus will go into annuity while 20% will be available to you.

So you may expect monthly income of around 21 K from annuity(42.4 L).

Balance 10.6 L get added to 5.11L taking your total corpus to ~ 5.2 Cr.

If you invest 5 Cr in a conservative hybrid debt fund and do a SWP at the rate of 3%, you may expect a monthly income of around 1.1 L(post-tax).

Add your monthly rental income of 36 K(No growth factored) and annuity income of 21 K to this and you have total monthly income of 1.67 L after 10 years.

Your current monthly expenses of 50 K after 10 years would be around 90 K and 1.6 L after 20 years.

Considering return of around 7-7.5% from the conservative hybrid debt fund you will still generate inflation adjusted return at 3% SWP after 80 years of age.

Assumptions:
Inflation rate-6%
Return from EPF-8%
Return from NPS-9%
Return from MF-10%
Return from gold-7%
Return from Land-5%
Annuity rate-6%

The spare flat is not considered in this because it will continue to yield you rental income in retirement.

Since real estate(land) returns may fluctuate over 10 years suggest to increase MF sip(6X) as a back-up, also in this case you may decide to retain & invest in NPS upto 60 age.

Of course MF returns are also not assured but you are improving the odds by backing two appreciable assets(RE & equity) over long-term.

Happy Investing;
X: @mars_invest

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7101 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 22, 2024

Money
My age 62, male, getting rental income Rs. 90k nett. Already subscribing 12.5k in PPF for the past 2 1/2 years. No other investments. My target is 5 crores in 10 years. I already have Mediclaim Rs.50 lakhs for me & wife . Please advice me what to do.
Ans: Your current financial foundation is strong and shows promise:

A rental income of Rs. 90,000 per month provides consistent and predictable cash flow. This stability can serve as the backbone for your investment strategy.

PPF contributions of Rs. 12,500 per month for 2.5 years reflect disciplined saving. However, its returns may be insufficient to achieve a high-growth target like Rs. 5 crores in 10 years.

A robust Mediclaim policy of Rs. 50 lakhs for you and your wife ensures adequate health coverage. This safeguard allows you to focus on wealth-building without worrying about medical emergencies.

Despite these positive factors, achieving Rs. 5 crores in 10 years requires a carefully crafted and growth-oriented strategy.

Defining and Prioritising Your Financial Goals
Achieving Rs. 5 crores is ambitious yet achievable with a focused approach:

Define this target as your primary financial goal over the next decade.

Break it into manageable milestones: for example, Rs. 50 lakhs every 1-2 years in cumulative investments and growth.

Prioritise high-return investments that align with your risk tolerance and financial capacity.

Optimising Existing PPF Contributions
While PPF is a secure investment, its growth potential is limited:

Returns: PPF currently offers an interest rate of approximately 7-7.5%, which barely outpaces inflation.

Contribution Review: Consider capping your PPF contributions at Rs. 1.5 lakh annually (to utilise the Section 80C benefit). This ensures that excess funds are redirected to higher-return investments.

PPF can serve as a low-risk component of your portfolio but should not dominate your investment strategy.

Building a Diversified Investment Portfolio
A diversified portfolio will provide a balance of risk and reward. Include the following components:

1. Equity Mutual Funds for Growth
Equity mutual funds are essential for achieving high returns over the long term:

Large-Cap Funds: These invest in established companies and offer stability with moderate growth. They are ideal for a portion of your portfolio to reduce risk.

Multi-Cap or Flexi-Cap Funds: These provide exposure to companies of all sizes, offering growth and diversification.

Sectoral and Thematic Funds: Avoid these unless you have a high risk tolerance and understand market dynamics.

ELSS Funds: These not only provide tax savings under Section 80C but also deliver market-linked returns.

Why Avoid Index Funds?

Index funds may offer simplicity and lower expense ratios, but they lack flexibility. They cannot adapt to market conditions or capitalise on outperforming sectors. Actively managed funds, on the other hand, have the potential to outperform the market, especially in a developing economy like India.

Start with a Systematic Investment Plan (SIP) in selected funds to build wealth steadily.

2. Debt Mutual Funds for Stability
Debt funds add stability to your portfolio and reduce overall risk:

Choose funds with low credit risk and moderate duration to ensure safety and predictable returns.

Debt funds are suitable for short- to medium-term goals or as a fallback during market corrections.

Taxation Note: Both LTCG and STCG on debt funds are taxed as per your income tax slab. This should be factored into your planning.

3. Balanced Advantage Funds
Balanced advantage funds (BAFs) dynamically allocate assets between equity and debt. They:

Provide exposure to equity while minimising downside risk.

Offer a suitable option for someone nearing retirement but seeking growth.

4. Gold Investments for Diversification
Allocate a small portion (5-10%) of your portfolio to gold:

Gold serves as a hedge against inflation and currency depreciation.

Choose gold ETFs or sovereign gold bonds for ease of liquidity and better returns.

Emergency Fund Creation
Having an emergency fund is non-negotiable:

Maintain at least 6-12 months of expenses in liquid investments like liquid mutual funds or high-interest savings accounts.

This ensures liquidity for unforeseen events without disturbing your long-term investments.

Focus on Retirement Planning
At 62, balancing growth and safety becomes critical:

Estimate your monthly retirement expenses, considering inflation over the next 10-15 years.

Your target of Rs. 5 crores should primarily serve as your retirement corpus.

Allocate assets thoughtfully:

60-70% in equity funds for growth.
30-40% in debt funds for stability.
Periodically rebalance your portfolio to maintain this allocation.

Strategic Tax Planning
Tax efficiency can significantly impact your returns:

Continue using Section 80C to its full potential, including ELSS funds and PPF.

Consider the National Pension System (NPS) for an additional Rs. 50,000 deduction under Section 80CCD(1B).

Be mindful of the new taxation rules for mutual funds:

Equity Mutual Funds: LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%; STCG at 20%.
Debt Funds: LTCG and STCG are taxed as per your income slab.
Consult a Certified Financial Planner to optimise your tax strategy.

Regular Portfolio Monitoring and Rebalancing
Investing is not a one-time activity:

Review your portfolio every six months or annually to track performance.

Rebalance your asset allocation periodically to align with your financial goals and risk appetite.

Stay committed to SIPs even during market downturns, as this ensures cost-averaging.

Additional Suggestions
Avoid Over-Reliance on PPF
While PPF is safe, it is not sufficient for wealth creation. Shift excess contributions to equity-based investments for better returns.

Avoid Direct Stocks
Direct equity investing requires time, expertise, and constant monitoring. It carries higher risk and may lead to losses without proper research. Instead, rely on equity mutual funds managed by professionals.

Avoid Mixing Insurance and Investments
Do not invest in ULIPs or endowment plans, as they offer suboptimal returns. Stick to pure insurance products for protection and mutual funds for growth.

The Role of a Certified Financial Planner
To achieve Rs. 5 crores, a well-crafted financial plan is essential. A Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can:

Analyse your current investments and recommend improvements.

Design a customised strategy tailored to your income, expenses, and goals.

Provide periodic reviews to ensure you stay on track.

Finally
Achieving Rs. 5 crores in 10 years is a realistic goal if you adopt a disciplined and diversified approach.

Optimise your PPF contributions and channel excess funds into higher-growth investments.

Build a diversified portfolio with equity and debt mutual funds.

Include a small allocation to gold and maintain an emergency fund.

Stay consistent with your SIPs and review your investments regularly.

Work with a Certified Financial Planner to create a personalised roadmap.

By following these steps, you can secure your financial future and meet your goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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