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Ravi Mittal  |295 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Feb 23, 2023

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Nagendra Question by Nagendra on Feb 22, 2023Hindi
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Relationship

My name is Rajesh, I am 50 year old 4years back I got to know that my wife is in relationship with someone and after inqiuring in detail I found that, that was her second relationship. Earlier relationship was broken 1 year before. and she told me all herself when I ask on condition that if she didnt tell me I may take dicision of breaking. so sho told me everything without hiding. she is telling me that she still loves me. Arter that she stoped all contacts but after a year she strated developing contacts with facebook messenger and developed one more relationship with one FB friend. again when I got to know she stoped contacting him. this time ther was no physical relationship, but she admitted that he once kissed her. the boy tried to contact her in all ways but she somehow stopped this matter. I love my wife very much. I forgive her every time. three year passed now all this year she was not going outside alone without me. but in these days I also insisted her to go out, and she started going to yoga class where she used to go early and she is very happy now days. I dont know whether I am doing correct or not, some time I still have dought in my mind whether she will start again doing affairs. I am some times afread, dont know what to do. whether I should still continue trusting and loving my wife or what. we have one son age 16 now. I am confuesd sometimes but till date happiness is maintained in the family. But I am feeling lonely somtimes. what to do?

Ans: Dear Rajesh,

I can understand it is an impossible situation for you but this too shall pass. First things first, are you happy in a relationship that involves cheating, not once, but twice and who's to say there won't be a third? Ask yourself that. If the answer is no, it is quite understandable, but if it's yes, then why? Why would anyone be happy with a partner who cheats over and over again? Why do you think you deserve such a life? Granted, relationships are not all rainbows and butterflies all the time, but they should not look this grim either. You alone have kept it going for this long, and maintained harmony by accepting your partner's infidelity time and again; ask yourself what would happen if you allowed yourself to stop. You can stop tolerating it, you know?

The question isn't how you should deal with your partner who is evidently a repeat cheater. The question is how you should deal with the situation and why are you reacting in a way that almost makes me think that you believe you deserve such a relationship. As for your kid, divorce or separation has much less effect on a child than a broken marriage with two unhappy parents.

If you still want to continue, that is also okay. To each their own, but don't forget to ask yourself what are you staying in this marriage for; your kid, societal pressure, or is it unconditional love for your wife, who, by the way, does not reciprocate the same for you.

Best Wishes!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1155 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 21, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 15, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
Hello, I have been married from 15 yrs. I have a 9 yrs old son with me. In oct 21 my wife (age 38) started making REELS on insta of the facial acting. She got involved and told me that she is just doing for followers and like. People used to comment good and bad which i didnt like. She was trying to make young guy friends. In april 2022 she had an affair with a 22-year-old boy who was not even financial stable. I could she changes in her every day. In June 2022 I caught her and she confess that she did affair and also done physical relationship. I had unconditionally loved her all these years and didn’t wanted to let her go. Also, didn’t wanted to hurt my son by taking a divorce. That guy refused to keep my son and their relation broke, but my wife still loved him and missed him. Few months she was in depression and I took her upmost care and swallowed what she did. I just told her that please come back to our life as you were before but she was not getting back. There used to be few quarrels, she was just staying alone within herself and I never felt that love which she used to give me. Later in feb23 there was a marriage at her family and I agree to go with her so she may get that feel during our times and she promised me to enjoy the marriage and make love with me. But she was happy with her relative and didn’t even bother to make that love and affection with me. from that time, I used to get angry and fight with her. I went into depression. In May 2023 she was getting worst and one day fight increased and I asked her to leave my house which I wasn’t intentionally wanted to. She left and went missing 24 yrs and then called from her mom mobile who was in her village, since she didn’t come back home and from last two month, she has been asking me money for herself and says it’s her rights. She doesn’t bother for my son and just show that she loves him. She works and stay with woman from 6 months and I’m looking after my son all alone. I told her u can work but just come home and make things better for my son. Her conditions is to give money security (money) then only she will return. All my family says she is just behind money and doesn’t care what I and my son is going through. She is not guilt for what she did. 15 yrs of marriage has been ruin and now she has no shame at all. She talks rudely if i dont send her money and now I refused sending her. Please advice what do I do now.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You seem to have done a lot to try and get her back. What can you do if she doesn't want to acknowledge your efforts or appreciate what family life is! One would imagine that a child in the equation may bring about a change in heart but that doesn't seem to be the case here at this moment.
Your family members are right in their mind about the way that see your wife as they have been observing how this has impacted you and your son.
Either you wait for her to come to her senses OR simply learn to live life without her. If the outside world of social media is what seems to satisfy her, no matter what you do, she will be dissatisfied and unhappy. This only means that she has to learn and appreciate what she has with you and your son.
It is also possible that she has been disinterested in the marriage for a while now and has been seeking approval and validation from people on social media. Even if this is the case, being angry with you is understandable BUT what about her own child? What makes her not want to deal with that reality? If you need an answer to this, simply WAIT and WATCH without begging her to come back...That will give you an idea as to where her mind is and then decide on the future course...

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1155 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 26, 2024

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Relationship
I have been married from last 20 years. It's arrange marriage and before marriage told me let she had an affair with a har college friend dena hai asked that if any relation physical relation has been done she said no I trusted her and married her but after 4 years of marriage I am notice that she didn't paid any attention or don't love me I always thought that there are some mistakes from my side that's why she behave like this . From last 16 years I was suffering from the situation. Recently I come to know when I saw her mobile accidentally and I come to know that she has the same affair from last 16 years with the same guy when I ask about this she told me that it was by mistake I am sorry I won't do this again after some pressureise she also told me that she did a physical relation with him before marriage and after marriage too. I was shocked cause physically I am fit and capable to satisfy her with all the way still she cheated me. Now she confess me all the things and told me promise me that she won't do any mistake henceforth. But no problem is whenever I am trying to get physical or emotional with her some thoughts in my mind game that she did all the things with another guy and cheating me so I can't make any relation ship with her. How can I trust her again we have to kids 10 year each. Please tell me what to do I am frustrated
Ans: Dear Trade,
You need to decide if you wish to trust her or not. It is difficult obviously with what you have discovered. But if you have chosen to carry on within the marriage, the only way that the mind can be managed is to accept what has happened and work with how things are today.
Give your marriage another chance and only then you can work your work through otherwise you will spend time only thinking about her cheating and what she did with the other person which anyone is not working well for you.
So, are you ready to forgive and move on OR hold onto the past? No decision is right or wrong; it's just what you want and then when you make that decision, make everything else work in favor of that decision.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1155 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 22, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Anu, I am a guy 45, married and with 2 lovely children. My wife and I have great relationship from the time of love marriage. I love her a lot and as a family all is great financially, emotionally. It does seem to be like a perfect family anyone can ask for. During dating she was she was flirting with others but after all our love and commitment we moved ahead. She has this nature of seeking attention from others and I was ok as long as it was harmless. After our first child, I know it must be difficult for her as a new mother etc but I caught her with her colleague, they were having affair for 1.5 years. she regretted her decision and I forgive her. I gave her more attention and we continued, she shows all the love and affection and I know in my heart she loved me a lot as I do the same. All was good, we had a second child and the pregnancy and post pregnancy was happy. She has been very happy and giving her all to the family. Our relationship was very good from every angle. yet again she had a one night stand and also another affair. This time i was heard broken. She is independent, she earns well and better than me of which I am proud of. If she is unhappy with the relationship and marriage, i am happy if she is wants to move on for her good. But she repented again and says he cannot live without me and that she only loves me. If there is so much love I am unable to understand why she is looking elsewhere. I have asked her to make me understand but she has no answer. I have forgiven her as my love for her is a lot and I know she does love me too and we continue our marriage... but I am unable to figure out this nature and for her and myself I want to understand what can be done. I am lost.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I can see that it is very unsettling for you. It might have been a huge deal to know that your wife has been vying for attention outside of marriage and also indulging in the physical angle as well.
It's possible that she is getting used to your being okay with the entire thing and just adapting to it that there has been no thought on how she can change the way that she is. Since you have forgiven her, there is nothing that needs to change in her...that's the message that you are implying to her.

She possibly is just exploring and trying new things for herself, she is looking for validation and attention outside...the reasons could be many...wandering is only an indication of something that we are not happy with within ourselves or in our lives...If you want your situation to change, I would strongly recommend Couples Therapy to unearth what exactly is happening. It might give both of you some perspective and since there's love still within the marriage, things might actually fall in place quickly.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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Hello Sir, my age is 37 and I am currently employed in the private sector with a monthly salary of 1.75 lakhs. I would like to provide a summary of my financial situation and seek advice on how much corpus I would require to comfortably retire at the age of 45. Current Financial Overview: Real Estate: 3.5 crores (includes 3 houses and a plot) Stocks: 7.5 lakhs Mutual Funds: 13.5 lakhs Corporate Bonds: 2 lakhs Employees' Provident Fund (EPF): 21.5 lakhs Public Provident Fund (PPF): 8.5 lakhs (investing since 2013) PPF (Wife’s Name): 1.5 lakhs (invested this year, continue to invest the same amount each year) Gold: 20 lakhs Home Loan: 23 lakhs (balance with LIC), Planning to close within 1 year time-frame. Systematic Investment Plan (SIP): Investing 30,000 monthly (recently started, 3 months ago) Term Insurance: 1 crore (premium of approximately 35,000 annually) Health Insurance: Company-provided (7.5 lakhs limit) National Pension System (NPS): Investing 50,000 annually (started this year) Monthly Expenses: 50,000 (including child’s fees and other expenditures, excluding investments) & Investing 50K in Gold every month. Family Details: I have a 6-year-old son and am expecting a new baby in October 2024. My wife is a homemaker. Could you please provide guidance on how much corpus I would need to retire comfortably at 45, considering my current financial situation and future goals? Thank you for your assistance.
Ans: You've outlined a comprehensive overview of your financial landscape, which provides a solid foundation for planning your retirement. With a goal to retire at 45, you have eight years to build and secure a sufficient corpus to ensure a comfortable retirement for you and your family.

Key Financial Assets and Liabilities
Real Estate: Rs 3.5 crore
Stocks: Rs 7.5 lakhs
Mutual Funds: Rs 13.5 lakhs
Corporate Bonds: Rs 2 lakhs
EPF: Rs 21.5 lakhs
PPF: Rs 8.5 lakhs (self), Rs 1.5 lakhs (wife)
Gold: Rs 20 lakhs
Home Loan: Rs 23 lakhs (planning to close in 1 year)
SIP: Rs 30,000 per month (recently started)
NPS: Rs 50,000 annually (started this year)
Insurance: Term insurance of Rs 1 crore, company-provided health insurance of Rs 7.5 lakhs
Monthly Expenses: Rs 50,000 (excluding investments)
Evaluating Your Retirement Corpus Needs
To determine the corpus required for retirement at 45, we need to consider several factors, including your expected expenses during retirement, inflation, and the number of years you plan to be retired.

1. Estimate Post-Retirement Expenses:
Current Monthly Expenses: Rs 50,000 (excluding investments)

Inflation Adjustment: Assuming an average inflation rate of 6%, your current monthly expenses will likely increase by the time you retire.

Post-Retirement Monthly Expenses: Assuming you maintain a similar lifestyle, and considering inflation, your monthly expenses could rise to approximately Rs 80,000 by the time you retire.

Yearly Expenses: Rs 80,000 x 12 = Rs 9.6 lakhs annually at retirement age.

2. Determine the Number of Years in Retirement:
Retirement Age: 45 years
Life Expectancy: Assuming you plan up to 85 years, you'll need to plan for 40 years of retirement.
3. Estimate Required Corpus:
Corpus Required: The corpus needed to sustain your lifestyle for 40 years considering inflation, and safe withdrawal rates.
Assumptions:
Post-retirement, you could adopt a safe withdrawal rate of 4% annually.
Expected returns on the retirement corpus post-retirement could be around 7%.
Using these assumptions, the corpus required to sustain annual expenses of Rs 9.6 lakhs for 40 years with a 4% withdrawal rate can be calculated.

4. Corpus Calculation:
Given the complexities of long-term retirement planning, a simplified method to estimate the corpus is:

Corpus Calculation Formula:
Annual Expenses at Retirement Age (Rs 9.6 lakhs) x 25 = Rs 2.4 crores
This formula is based on the 4% rule, which suggests that if you withdraw 4% of your corpus annually, your savings should last for 30-40 years.

However, considering the uncertainties and potential changes in your lifestyle, a more conservative approach would be to plan for a corpus of around Rs 3-4 crores. This takes into account potential healthcare costs, lifestyle changes, and other unforeseen expenses.

Current Asset Evaluation and Future Planning
Now, let’s break down how your current assets can contribute towards building the required corpus and what additional steps are necessary.

1. Real Estate: Rs 3.5 Crores
Real estate is a significant part of your net worth. However, liquidity is an issue with real estate.
You might want to consider whether you plan to keep these properties for rental income, sell them closer to retirement, or downsize.
2. Stocks: Rs 7.5 Lakhs
Your current stock portfolio is modest. Over the next 8 years, aim to increase your investment in stocks through systematic investments (SIPs or direct stock purchases) to leverage market growth.
3. Mutual Funds: Rs 13.5 Lakhs
Continue your SIPs, and consider increasing the amount when feasible. Diversify into equity funds with a good track record, and consider a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and hybrid funds to balance risk and return.
4. Corporate Bonds: Rs 2 Lakhs
While bonds are safer, they offer lower returns. It’s good to have them for stability, but focus more on equity for growth at this stage.
5. EPF and PPF: Rs 31.5 Lakhs
Your EPF and PPF investments are doing well. Continue with these contributions as they provide tax-free returns and security. Consider increasing your contribution to PPF if possible, as it offers a secure, long-term return.
6. Gold: Rs 20 Lakhs
Your monthly investment of Rs 50,000 in gold is significant. While gold is a good hedge against inflation, it should not dominate your portfolio. Consider reducing the monthly investment in gold and reallocating some of these funds into equity SIPs or mutual funds to enhance growth.
7. Home Loan: Rs 23 Lakhs
Closing this loan within a year is a wise decision, as it will free up cash flow and reduce your financial liabilities, allowing you to invest more aggressively for your retirement.
8. NPS: Rs 50,000 Annually
Since you’ve just started investing in NPS, it’s a good tax-saving tool with the added benefit of a pension. Continue with this investment, as it will provide you with a regular income post-retirement.
9. Term Insurance and Health Insurance
Your term insurance cover of Rs 1 crore is adequate. Ensure it is kept active as it provides financial security for your family. Review your health insurance coverage to ensure it meets your future needs, especially as your family grows.
Future Investment Strategy
Given your current asset base and retirement goal, here’s a roadmap to help you reach your target:

1. Increase Equity Investments
With 8 years to retirement, your portfolio should have a higher equity exposure to maximize growth. Gradually increase your SIP amounts in equity mutual funds or direct stocks.
Consider reallocating some of your monthly gold investment into equity funds to enhance returns.
2. Diversify Mutual Fund Investments
While continuing with your current SIPs, consider adding diversified equity funds and index funds to your portfolio. A balanced mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds will provide the necessary growth potential.
3. Consider Additional Real Estate Monetization
Evaluate if selling one of your real estate holdings closer to retirement could provide liquidity and enhance your retirement corpus. Alternatively, rental income can supplement your retirement income, but be cautious about the management and upkeep costs.
4. Maximize Tax-Advantaged Accounts
Continue contributing to your PPF and NPS accounts, as PPF provides tax-free returns and NPS contributes to a secure retirement corpus. Maximize contributions to these accounts within the allowable limits.
5. Focus on Debt Repayment
Prioritize closing your home loan within the next year. Once this debt is cleared, redirect the EMI amount into your retirement savings.
6. Emergency Fund
Ensure you have a sufficient emergency fund, equivalent to at least 6 months of expenses, to cover any unforeseen events without dipping into your retirement savings.
7. Plan for Healthcare and Child’s Education
Given that your family is growing, it’s essential to plan for increased healthcare needs and your children’s education expenses. Consider setting up dedicated funds for these goals, separate from your retirement corpus.
Regular Monitoring and Review
Retirement planning is dynamic. It’s crucial to review your investments regularly, at least once a year, to ensure they are aligned with your retirement goals. Adjust your strategy as needed based on market conditions, changes in your financial situation, and progress towards your retirement target.

Final Insights
Based on your current financial situation and assuming disciplined investment and regular reviews, accumulating a corpus of Rs 3-4 crores by the time you retire at 45 is feasible. This corpus, combined with your real estate assets and other investments, should provide a comfortable retirement with a reasonable withdrawal strategy.

Focus on increasing your equity exposure, reducing unnecessary debt, and ensuring your portfolio is well-diversified to achieve higher growth. As you approach retirement, gradually shift your portfolio towards more stable, income-generating assets to preserve your capital.

Retirement planning requires careful consideration of both current and future needs. By staying committed to your investment strategy and making informed adjustments, you can secure a financially independent retirement at 45.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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