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Kirtan

Kirtan A Shah  | Answer  |Ask -

MF Expert, Financial Planner - Answered on Aug 29, 2023

Kirtan A Shah is a certified financial planner and managing director, private wealth, at Credence Family Office.
He is also a Certified International Wealth Manager and Financial Engineering and Risk Manager.
Shah is the co-author of Financial Service Management and Financial Market Operations, which are used as reference books for Mumbai University.
He is frequently seen on CNBC, Zee Business, ET NOW & BQ Prime as an expert guest.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Aug 27, 2023Hindi
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I want to know a way to multiply my life savings ( Rs 70 lakh) lying in an nri account FD around at 7 per cent interest. After looking a bit i was thinking to invest them as below. 1. Parag Parikh flexi cap (25%) 2 UTI nifty 50 index (15%) 3.quant small cap fund direct growth (25%) 4.Tata digital India fund direct growth(20%) 5.Hdfc large and midcap fund growth (15%) I have no pending loans in India. I have no knowledge of stocks and equity. There is no active management or additional funds to deposited. Its a all a one time. The time period will be 15-20 years.

Ans: - Just replace HDFC Large & Midcap with Kotak Emerging Equity.
- Put the funds in liquid & do weekly STP over the next 6 months
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7271 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 18, 2024Hindi
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Hello Nikunj, Hope you're doing good! I am 32 yrs old and planning to invest till 60 yrs i.e till next 28 yrs. I am investing in below MFs and some other savings schemes, I need you suggestion on the same: MFs Investment: 1. ICICI Prudential Nifty Alpha Low Volatility 30 ETF FOF - 1,500/- PM 2. Tata Resource & Energy Fund - 2,000/- PM 3. ICICI Prudential Technology - 1,500/- 4. Nippon India Nifty Smallcap 250 Index Fund - 1,000/- PM 5. SBI Nifty Next 50 Index Fund - 1,000/- PM 6. ICICI Prudential Nasdaq 100 Index Fund - 1,000/- PM 7. ICICI Prudential Nifty Bank Index Fund - 2,000/- PM Apart from this I am also investing in NPS around 17,500/- PM and PF around 30,500 including both. Also investing 5,000/- in Max Life Online Savings Plan (10 yrs investing period and 15 Yrs total Policy period). My goal is to be accumulate wealth for my retirement. Thank you in advance for your help.
Ans: It's great to hear about your proactive approach to investing for your retirement. Your portfolio seems well-diversified across different sectors and asset classes, which is essential for long-term wealth accumulation. However, it's essential to periodically review your investments to ensure they remain aligned with your financial goals and risk tolerance. Consider consulting with a financial advisor to assess your current portfolio, identify any gaps or areas for improvement, and make adjustments as needed. Additionally, continue to contribute regularly to your investments and take advantage of opportunities to increase your savings over time. Best of luck on your financial journey!

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7271 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 02, 2024Hindi
Money
Im 33 year old women with 2 kids, one is around 3 year old , my daughter and my son is 3 months old. I have savings around 9 lakhs and i want to double the same in next 5 years to get total of savings 20 lakhs .pls suggest me how should i go about it . My net salary is around 60k and expenses around 20 k
Ans: First, let me appreciate your clarity and determination. Doubling your savings of Rs 9 lakhs in five years is a focused goal. Achieving this requires a strategic and disciplined approach.

Evaluating Your Current Financial Position
Your net salary is Rs 60,000 per month, with expenses around Rs 20,000. This leaves you with a surplus of Rs 40,000 each month. You have Rs 9 lakhs in savings. We need to deploy these savings wisely and also utilize your monthly surplus effectively.

Investment Options to Double Your Savings
Mutual Funds
Investing in mutual funds can offer good returns over five years.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds:

Professional Management: Fund managers adjust portfolios based on market conditions.

Diversification: These funds spread investments across various sectors, reducing risk.

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
A SIP allows you to invest a fixed amount monthly in mutual funds. This helps in averaging costs and reducing market volatility impact.

Advantages of SIP:

Rupee Cost Averaging: Buys more units when prices are low and fewer when prices are high.

Discipline: Encourages regular saving and investing habits.

Creating an Investment Strategy
Lump Sum Investment:

Invest your Rs 9 lakhs savings in a diversified portfolio of mutual funds.

Monthly SIPs:

Allocate a portion of your Rs 40,000 monthly surplus into SIPs. For example, investing Rs 30,000 monthly in mutual funds can yield significant returns over five years.

Building a Diversified Portfolio
A well-diversified portfolio can help in achieving your financial goals.

Equity Mutual Funds
These funds invest in stocks and have the potential to deliver high returns.

Benefits:

High Growth Potential: Equities generally offer higher returns compared to other asset classes.

Inflation Hedge: Equity investments can outpace inflation.

Debt Mutual Funds
These funds invest in fixed-income securities like bonds.

Benefits:

Stability: Lower risk compared to equity funds.

Regular Income: Suitable for conservative investors looking for steady returns.

Balancing Risk and Return
Investing in equity mutual funds offers higher returns but comes with higher risk. Debt mutual funds are more stable but offer lower returns. A balanced approach is to invest in both, creating a mix that aligns with your risk tolerance and financial goals.

Avoiding Common Pitfalls
Avoiding Index Funds
Index funds mirror market indices. They may not outperform the market.

Disadvantages:

Lack of Flexibility: No active management to capitalize on market opportunities.

Market Risk: Entirely dependent on market performance.

Actively Managed Funds:

Offer the expertise of fund managers who adjust portfolios for better returns.

Importance of Regular Funds
Avoiding Direct Funds
Direct funds require investors to manage their investments.

Disadvantages:

Complexity: Requires deep market knowledge.

Time-Consuming: Continuous monitoring and adjustments needed.

Benefits of Regular Funds:

Managed by professionals, offering better potential for growth.

Emergency Fund
It's crucial to maintain an emergency fund. This ensures financial stability during unforeseen circumstances.

Recommendation:

Keep aside Rs 1-2 lakhs as an emergency fund, invested in liquid or ultra-short-term funds for easy access.

Insurance Coverage
Ensure you have adequate life and health insurance.

Life Insurance:

Adequate cover ensures financial security for your family.

Health Insurance:

Protects against medical emergencies and high healthcare costs.

Financial Discipline
Sticking to your investment plan requires discipline.

Regular Review:

Monitor your investments periodically to ensure they are on track.

Avoid Emotional Decisions:

Stay invested during market fluctuations to reap long-term benefits.

Importance of Certified Financial Planner (CFP)
A CFP can provide personalized advice tailored to your financial situation.

Benefits:

Expert Guidance: Professional advice on investment strategies.

Comprehensive Planning: Covers all aspects of financial planning, ensuring holistic growth.

Long-Term Financial Planning
While doubling your savings in five years is a short-term goal, consider long-term planning as well.

Retirement Planning:

Ensure you are saving adequately for a comfortable retirement.

Child’s Education:

Plan for your children's education expenses early.

Final Insights
Doubling your savings in five years is achievable with a strategic and disciplined approach. Invest your Rs 9 lakhs in a mix of equity and debt mutual funds. Utilize your Rs 40,000 monthly surplus through SIPs. Maintain an emergency fund and ensure adequate insurance coverage.

Regularly review your investments and avoid emotional decisions. Seek guidance from a Certified Financial Planner to ensure your financial plans are on track.

With a balanced approach and disciplined investing, you can achieve your financial goals and secure a bright future for your family.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7271 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Oct 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 21, 2024Hindi
Money
Hello Sir, Am 47 year old private sector employee earning around 125K salary + 40K ( some other income) monthly. Currently all my loans cleared but planning buy a home for which I need to pay 100K towards loan EMI per month towards home loan of 1.0 Cr. Having commitments of children's education as well in next 2 year onwards. Currently holding MF investments of 2Lacks as mentioned below: 1. Motilal Oswal midcap fund regular growth - 10K 2. SBI PSU fund -growth -10K 3. HDFC small cap fund regular growth - 20K 4. ICICI prudential infrastructure fund growth - 10K 5. HDFC NIFTY Next50 Index Fund direct - 50K 6. HDFC Mid-Cap Opportunities Fund-DG - 50K 7. SBI Nifty Smallcap 250 Index Fund Reg - 40K 8. SBI silver ETF FoF Reg growth - 10K Assuming retirement at the age of 60. Pls advice how can I create additional wealth to pre-close the home loan and create 1cr on retirement.
Ans: You are earning Rs. 125,000 from your salary and Rs. 40,000 from other sources, which gives you a total monthly income of Rs. 165,000. With all your loans cleared, you’re now planning to take a home loan of Rs. 1 crore with an EMI of Rs. 100,000. You also have upcoming commitments related to your children's education in two years.

You have Rs. 2 lakhs invested in mutual funds (MFs) across various schemes. Your goal is to pre-close your home loan and create a retirement corpus of Rs. 1 crore by age 60.

At 47, you have a 13-year window before retirement. To meet these goals, we need to take a 360-degree approach. Let’s evaluate your current investments, income, and future commitments, and suggest steps that align with your goals.

Key Points to Consider
Your home loan EMI of Rs. 100,000 per month will significantly impact your cash flow.

Children’s education costs are expected in two years, adding further financial responsibility.

You have 13 years to create wealth before retirement.

These commitments demand a balanced approach between managing EMIs, future expenses, and growing your wealth for retirement.

Assessing Your Current Mutual Fund Investments
Your mutual fund portfolio of Rs. 2 lakhs is diversified across various categories. Here’s an analysis of your current portfolio:

Mid-Cap and Small-Cap Funds
You have a notable exposure to mid-cap and small-cap funds. These funds offer high growth potential but come with higher volatility. Since you have a long-term horizon, this is fine. However, you need to ensure you don’t over-expose yourself to these funds. Mid- and small-cap funds can be highly volatile, especially in the short term.

A balanced portfolio would reduce the risk of short-term market swings while keeping the potential for long-term growth intact.

PSU and Sectoral Funds
You are also invested in PSU and infrastructure funds. Sector-specific funds can be risky as their performance is tied to the particular sector’s growth. Such funds may not perform consistently across market cycles. You could consider reducing your exposure to sectoral funds and reallocating to diversified equity funds.

Diversified equity funds can reduce the sector-specific risks while providing similar growth potential over the long term.

Index Funds: A Suboptimal Choice
You have invested in index funds, which simply replicate market indices. While these funds come with lower expense ratios, they lack flexibility. Index funds do not outperform the market, as they are designed to mirror it. In contrast, actively managed funds are managed by professional fund managers. These managers aim to outperform the market and make tactical decisions based on market conditions.

Given your goals, actively managed funds are a better choice for wealth creation. They can provide better returns over time compared to passive index funds.

Direct Funds vs Regular Funds
You’ve also invested in direct plans, which may seem attractive because of their lower expense ratios. However, direct funds don’t come with the guidance and professional advice you get from regular funds through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP). A CFP can help you regularly review and rebalance your portfolio based on market conditions, helping you avoid costly mistakes.

Investing in regular plans through a CFP can provide the much-needed personalized advice and periodic portfolio reviews to ensure your investments stay on track to meet your goals.

Creating Additional Wealth to Pre-Close Home Loan
Your goal of pre-closing the home loan is achievable with the right strategy. Let’s look at some key points:

1. Increase Your SIP Investments
You should increase your Systematic Investment Plan (SIP) contributions. You are currently investing Rs. 2 lakhs across different funds. To meet your goal of creating additional wealth to pre-close your loan and retire with Rs. 1 crore, you need to boost your monthly SIPs. Consider increasing your SIPs by 10-15% every year.

For example, if you start with an additional Rs. 20,000 per month and increase it annually, your portfolio will grow significantly over time.

2. Focus on Balanced Funds
Since you have high exposure to mid-cap and small-cap funds, you should consider adding balanced advantage funds to your portfolio. These funds dynamically shift between equity and debt depending on market conditions. This will provide some stability to your portfolio, especially as you approach retirement.

Balanced funds help mitigate risks and offer consistent returns over the long term.

3. Prioritize Equity-Oriented Funds
Given your long-term horizon, equity-oriented mutual funds should remain your primary investment. They offer the highest potential for growth over a 13-year period. However, you need to diversify across large-cap, multi-cap, and flexi-cap funds. These funds are less volatile than mid-cap and small-cap funds but still provide good returns.

By maintaining a diversified equity portfolio, you can benefit from market growth while keeping your risk profile balanced.

4. Reduce Sectoral Fund Exposure
Consider reducing your exposure to sectoral funds like PSU and infrastructure funds. Instead, reallocate those investments to diversified equity funds or large-cap funds. These funds provide more consistent returns and are less risky compared to sectoral funds.

A well-diversified portfolio will perform better across different market conditions.

Planning for Your Children’s Education
Education expenses for your children are a significant commitment in the next two years. You need to start setting aside funds specifically for this goal. Here’s what you can do:

1. Create a Dedicated Fund for Education
Set up a separate SIP for your children’s education. You could invest in hybrid funds or debt-oriented funds to build a corpus for this goal. Since this is a short-term goal, it’s better to focus on funds with lower risk.

By setting aside a specific amount every month, you can ensure that your children’s education is taken care of without impacting your other financial goals.

2. Use Debt Funds for Short-Term Needs
For short-term commitments like education, consider debt mutual funds. These funds are less volatile and can offer better returns than traditional fixed deposits. Additionally, debt funds are more tax-efficient compared to FDs, as they benefit from indexation if held for more than three years.

Debt funds are an ideal option to save for upcoming educational expenses.

Creating a Rs. 1 Crore Retirement Corpus
Your goal is to create Rs. 1 crore by the time you retire at 60. Here’s a strategy to achieve this:

1. Increase Equity Exposure Gradually
You are currently 47 years old, and with 13 years left to retirement, you should maintain a high equity exposure for the next 7-10 years. Gradually increase your equity investments in a mix of large-cap and multi-cap funds. These funds provide growth potential with a more stable risk profile.

Over time, you can start reducing your equity exposure as you approach retirement.

2. Keep Reinvesting Dividends
If your funds offer dividend options, ensure that you reinvest dividends. Reinvesting helps compound your returns and grow your wealth faster. Compounding can significantly boost your corpus over time.

3. Tax-Efficient Investments
Keep in mind the tax implications of your investments. Equity mutual funds are taxed differently based on the holding period:

Long-term capital gains (LTCG) above Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%.

Short-term capital gains (STCG) are taxed at 20%.

When planning withdrawals during retirement, it’s essential to manage taxes efficiently to maximize your returns.

Managing Your Home Loan
Paying a home loan EMI of Rs. 100,000 per month will be a significant expense. Here’s how you can manage it:

1. Increase EMIs When Possible
Whenever you get a salary hike or an increase in your other income, try to increase your EMI payments. This will help you reduce the loan tenure and save on interest costs.

2. Use Bonuses and Windfalls
If you receive any bonuses, incentives, or windfalls, consider using a part of these to make pre-payments on your home loan. Pre-paying can help you clear the loan faster, reducing the interest burden.

Final Insights
At 47, your focus should be on balancing between your short-term and long-term financial goals. While the home loan will consume a significant portion of your income, you can still build wealth by strategically increasing your investments.

By adjusting your mutual fund portfolio, increasing your SIPs, and focusing on tax-efficient investments, you can achieve your goal of pre-closing your home loan and creating a Rs. 1 crore retirement corpus.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

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Nayagam P

Nayagam P P  |3976 Answers  |Ask -

Career Counsellor - Answered on Dec 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 14, 2024Hindi
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Career
Hi Experts, Need your valued advise... My wife completed BSC Computer science in 2022. We got married in the same year and due to pregancy we did not much focussed on her carrer till now as we need to take care of the baby. We would like start her carrer and get a job. What are options we have to explore now considering 2years gap almost. And my wife english fluency is not that good. Could you advise what is the best action we can take to ensure she is not too dependent on everyone. Thanks in advance
Ans: Sir, This is a comprehensive plan to support your wife in resuming her professional career after a two-year break. Begin by evaluating her strengths and interests in Computer Science, such as programming, databases, web development, and digital marketing, among others. Assess her preference for technical roles in comparison to non-technical positions. Concentrate on avenues for improving your skills by looking into budget-friendly online courses.

When it comes to enhancing her English skills, this is the most effective approach. Instruct her to start with the fundamental 12 Tenses: Simple Present, Simple Past, Simple Future, Present Perfect Continuous, Past Perfect Continuous, Future Perfect Continuous, Present Perfect, Past Perfect, Future Perfect, Present Perfect Continuous, Past Perfect Continuous, and Future Perfect Continuous. Additionally, suggest that she memorize at least 40-50 verbs to effectively use with the aforementioned 12 tenses. She can easily learn this from YouTube or any high-quality book to boost her confidence in communicating in English.

Explore job opportunities ideal for newcomers, such as remote or freelance roles, virtual assistant positions, social media management, IT support associate, software testing, and data support functions. Engaging in small projects and enhancing her resume with online certifications.

Additionally, allow her to maintain her LinkedIn account and set up job alerts in her field to stay informed about the job market trends. Starting her career requires a significant amount of patience and a willingness to learn. All the BEST for your Wife’s Prosperous Future.

Follow RediffGURUS to Know More on ‘Jobs | Careers | Education’

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Career Counsellor - Answered on Dec 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 16, 2024Hindi
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Career
Gave 2 levels of interview at Eaton in starting of December 2024 and HR said that they will share the candidature status by mid previous week ( 11-12 Dec) but till now , there had been no communication. Could you please let me know what should I do here, should I call HR or send an email ?
Ans: As they indicated they would respond by the second week of December, it is possible that they may require an additional week to reach a decision and finalize their response. To follow up with HR about your application, please send a concise and courteous email, making sure it is brief and direct. If a response is not received within 3-4 business days, please initiate a follow-up call, ensuring that the conversation remains concise and polite. Emails provide the HR team with the opportunity to assess your status and reply with careful consideration, showcasing a high level of professionalism. Please ensure the email is sent today, as the response has already experienced a delay. And, continue to apply for jobs as you normally would through LinkedIn, the websites of your preferred companies, employee referrals, and other avenues, rather than waiting for their response. Maintain a record of the companies and job titles to which you have applied to prevent redundancy. MOST IMPORTANT TIP: Having a second / PROFESSIONAL email address is strongly advised, especially when looking for employment & applying for jobs, as even crucial emails may find up in your spam folder and you may miss them.

All the BEST for your Prosperous Future.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |442 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 03, 2024
Relationship
How much weightage should be given to the Past (Relationship & Sexual History) of a Man, while vetting prospective matches in the process of Arranged Marriage? Does a Man's Virginity matter as much as a Woman's Virginity? Or can his Past be overlooked completely, if his Present is Good & Future looks Promising?
Ans: A man’s past should not be entirely overlooked, but it should also not define him. It’s important to understand the context of his previous relationships—whether they were casual, meaningful, or unhealthy—and how those experiences have shaped him. The focus should be on whether he has grown from those experiences and whether his present actions and values align with the future he envisions with you. If he demonstrates honesty, respect, and a commitment to the relationship, his past becomes less significant compared to the person he is today.

Ultimately, the decision depends on what matters most to you in a partner. If a man’s virginity or lack of prior relationships is important to you for personal, cultural, or religious reasons, it’s essential to communicate this openly and respectfully. At the same time, consider whether the expectations you place on him are fair and reflective of the qualities you value in a lifelong partner—trust, kindness, loyalty, and shared goals.

What truly matters in an arranged marriage—or any relationship—is how the person’s past, present, and future align with your vision of a partnership. If he is open about his history, takes accountability for any mistakes, and is genuinely committed to building a strong and loving future with you, his past should not necessarily overshadow the potential for a fulfilling relationship.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |442 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 05, 2024
Relationship
Hi, i am sri lankan girl, and my bf is indian, recently his family had found a girl and forced him to marry, he said he had no option this time he had to say ok, because after he told about me to them, they started to act rude and now they all find out me and try to make me scared, my bf blocked me, because that girl also controls him, i told him you can still turn back and choose your life, but he said it will be a problem to his parents, and his dad trying to hurt himself. I really love him, we were together 2 years. Even he says he misses me a lot and he said he feels the life how happy it was before and now he is confused and he says feel like he is in a jail, please help me, he says now he can’t promise me anything.he says if i find someone it ok, he will be a good friend, but i really love him, what can i do
Ans: What’s important here is to also focus on what this situation is doing to you. You’re trying to hold on, to fight for the love you’ve shared, and it’s exhausting. It’s heartbreaking to love someone who feels like they have no choice but to walk away. You’ve already shown courage in encouraging him to choose his own happiness, to take control of his life, but it sounds like he’s not in a place where he can take that step. His confusion and feelings of being “in a jail” may reflect his inner turmoil, but they also show that he’s currently unable to prioritize your relationship in the way it deserves. His offer to remain a "friend" while giving you the freedom to move on might come from a place of care, but it also leaves you carrying the weight of love and heartbreak alone.

You need to take a step back and ask yourself some difficult questions. Are you willing to continue waiting for him, knowing that his family may never accept you and that he may never have the strength to stand up to them? Or is it time to prioritize your own emotional well-being and open yourself to the possibility of a future where you’re truly valued and chosen by someone who can fight for you, no matter the challenges?

Loving him and letting go can coexist. Letting go doesn’t mean you stop loving him or that what you shared wasn’t real. It means recognizing that his inability to fight for your relationship is a reality you can’t control. You’ve done everything you could to show him what he stands to lose, and now the choice lies with him. In the meantime, you need to protect your own heart and focus on your happiness. Surround yourself with people who uplift you, and allow yourself time to grieve this loss. Healing won’t happen overnight, but it begins when you choose to honor your own worth and emotional health. If he comes back to you one day, it should only be because he’s ready to fight for the love you deserve, not because he feels trapped or confused. Until then, you have every right to move forward with your life and pursue the happiness you deserve.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |442 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 08, 2024Hindi
Relationship
I have a friend for over 9 years. She is 38, married with a 13 yr old boy and I am single and 32. Ever since we have known each other we have been friends. I never had romantic feelings or intimate thoughts about her(I guess I am not that much into married women). Over the course of years since 2015, we have had a very close friendship and at a professional capacity I am tutor to her child.(The child has been hanging out with me since he was 4). Me and the lady went for vacations and have spent countless nights on the balcony with a drink and lots to talk about our lives. I am thoroughly aware of her troubled marriage including instances of DV and her complicated upper middle class family dynamics. She knows my childhood, how I lost my parents and has been close watcher of how I have transformed over the years. In 2020 in a moment of my weakness, loneliness, desperation I spoke to her extensively even breaking down and she somehow made the call the treatment me like a son and I have ever since addressed her as 'Maate'. (My mother passed away in childbirth so my knowledge of a mother's presence is next to 0) During the pandemic where we could barely meet during to distance and lockdown. Her husband also moved to UK for work. A new "friend" comes to the picture. I did not meet him at the beginning but after a few months, I notice my friend taking care of the finances, lifestyle choices of the"friend". He enjoys the involvement citing how difficult his life was where his parents could not provide such interactions when he was a kid. (The "friend" is 28 years old). The "friend" also a leukaemia survivor indulges in alcohol with us, tries other substances in her company and one night confesses his feelings to Maate. Maate tells him that she has a kid, a husband and a boyfriend so those spectrums there is no space for the "friend". So the "friend" officially friendzones himself but over the times has arranged him to stay in her place, sleep in her bed, cuddle with her everynight(can't sleep otherwise) has access to her emails, photos, phone password, and subtly starts taking control over her house to get things done his way. He even does not allow the 13 yr old child sleep with his mom because the child gets a pole in his sleep(like of teens and men) it creeps the "friend" out. Finally after a night of drinking I suddenly woke up to sounds of moaning early in the morning from her bathroom. So the "friend" finally had his long overdue sex at 6 am in the morning in her bathroom. I wake to listen to Maate moaning buty paranoia kicks in when I see her kid waking up and standing behind me and asking 'where is Mamma'. I have no words, I have no idea what to do. I take him away on the pretext of making some yummy breakfast. Now the problem for me is: 1. I have lived by a few codes and one of them is not to cross boundaries with female friends. I have stayed friends with them for over 2 decades. So someone doing it infront of me and calling it friendship and apologizing with the words 'heat of the moment','honest mistake', 'drunken daze', etc just makes me call it bullshit. The "friend" wanted it and took the first shot he got. 2. My Maate asking me to let it go, forgive and treat the "friend" like a younger brother. I have tried it a lot over the last year and I sincerely can't(because of reasons mentioned in Point 1) 3. Saying it to openly to Maate has starined my equation with her. I just want to stay away from such a "friend" but evidently voicing it out (albeit in a very loud manner) pushed away my closest confidant. The only thing I know is if things get better I can't pull of this pretentious stuff and it will make me burst again. I don't know what to do here.
Ans: You’ve built your life around certain principles—one being the importance of boundaries and respect in friendships. Seeing those boundaries crossed in a way that you perceive as disrespectful to the sanctity of your connection with Maate, as well as her responsibilities as a mother, strikes at the heart of your values. It’s no wonder that you feel uneasy and unable to simply accept her request to forgive and treat the “friend” as a younger brother.

What’s critical here is that your feelings of discomfort are not about being judgmental but about being protective—of your bond with Maate, her child’s well-being, and your own emotional integrity. This situation has left you in a moral and emotional bind. You value the relationship with Maate, but the dynamic involving the “friend” is deeply troubling for you.

To move forward, you need to find a way to honor your values while also preserving your emotional well-being. Open communication is key, but it’s also clear that the way this has been discussed so far has caused strain. You might need to reframe your approach. Instead of focusing on the specifics of what happened or pointing out the flaws in the “friend’s” behavior, you could focus on how the situation has affected you. Express your feelings honestly but gently—share how it has created a sense of distance and how much you miss the closeness and trust you once shared.

At the same time, it’s important to set boundaries for yourself. You don’t have to accept the “friend” into your life if it feels wrong to you. However, you can make it clear to Maate that this boundary is about your own peace of mind and not a judgment of her choices. Acknowledge her autonomy while asserting your need for space from situations that make you uncomfortable.

Ultimately, this might mean accepting that the relationship with Maate will change. Relationships evolve, and sometimes people we care about make choices that we can’t fully align with. It doesn’t mean you have to sever ties, but it does mean redefining the terms of your connection in a way that allows you to stay true to yourself.

Take time to reflect on what you need to feel whole and grounded. This situation has understandably shaken you, but it’s also an opportunity to reaffirm your values and protect your well-being. Seek support from others you trust, and remember that it’s okay to take a step back to process your feelings and recalibrate the relationship on your terms.

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Milind Vadjikar  |774 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Dec 16, 2024

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