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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7699 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Siddharth Question by Siddharth on Nov 16, 2024Hindi
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sbi small cap direct growth 15 year return tell me sir ? and if i invest 15k month sip then how many year create 1 cr and more that ?

Ans: Investing in small-cap funds can offer high returns over the long term. However, they come with higher volatility and risks. Let’s address your question about achieving Rs 1 crore through a Rs 15,000 SIP and the performance of small-cap funds.

Historical Returns and Small-Cap Funds
Small-cap funds have historically delivered returns ranging from 12% to 15% annually over 10-15 years.

These funds perform well during bullish market cycles but may underperform during downturns.

Always consider the long-term horizon to average out market volatility and benefit from compounding.

Time to Achieve Rs 1 Crore with Rs 15,000 SIP
At an assumed return of 12%, it takes 19 years to reach Rs 1 crore.

At an assumed return of 15%, it takes 15 years to reach Rs 1 crore.

Staying disciplined and investing consistently is critical to achieving your financial goals.

Disadvantages of Direct Funds
Direct funds require market expertise, time, and effort for continuous tracking.

Many investors face challenges in monitoring performance and making timely decisions.

Investing through a Certified Financial Planner ensures better fund selection and portfolio optimisation.

Regular funds provide personalised guidance, helping maximise your returns efficiently.

Importance of Small-Cap Funds in Your Portfolio
Small-cap funds are ideal for long-term investors looking for aggressive growth.

These funds can deliver substantial wealth but carry higher risk compared to large- and mid-cap funds.

Balancing small-cap funds with other categories diversifies risk and improves stability.

Actively Managed Funds vs. Index Funds
Actively managed funds leverage fund managers' expertise to identify growth opportunities.

Small-cap segments often outperform benchmarks through active management due to inefficiencies in the market.

Index funds, in comparison, are passive and miss out on stock-specific opportunities.

Actively managed funds ensure dynamic adjustments based on market conditions, unlike index funds.

Monitoring Your Investment
Regular reviews help track your SIP’s progress toward Rs 1 crore.

Rebalancing your portfolio periodically maintains an ideal asset allocation.

Seek professional guidance for optimising returns while managing risks.

Taxation for Small-Cap Funds
Long-term capital gains (LTCG) over Rs 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%.

Short-term capital gains (STCG) are taxed at 20% for equity mutual funds.

Consider these taxes while calculating the net growth of your portfolio.

Finally
A Rs 15,000 SIP in small-cap funds can help you achieve Rs 1 crore in 15 years at 15%.

Focus on long-term discipline and diversify your portfolio for consistent growth.

Prefer actively managed funds for small-cap investments to capitalise on professional expertise.

Stay committed to your financial plan while regularly reviewing and rebalancing your investments.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7699 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Oct 24, 2024

Money
Hello Sir, My Age is 31 From This Month, I started my SIP Details r as below 1). SBI Small Cap Fund Direct Growth 2K 2).Tata Small Cap Fund Direct Growth 2k 3).HDFC Health Care and Pharma Fund Direct Growth 2k 4). Motilal Oswal Midcap Fund Direct Growth 3L. Lumsum (One Time Investment) Above listed my investment is Good Or Required any Changes, kindly suggest I want to build my corpus 2 cr in another 15 year & how much I have to invest more to achieve Target. From- Gangadhar C.
Ans: At 31, you have plenty of time to grow your wealth, and it’s good to see that you’ve already started investing. You have specific goals, and it’s crucial to evaluate your investments and align them with your long-term objectives.

Let’s assess your current investments, their potential, and what adjustments may be required to achieve your goal of building a Rs 2 crore corpus in the next 15 years.

Overview of Your Current Investments
You’ve made investments in the following areas:

SBI Small Cap Fund (SIP of Rs 2,000)
Tata Small Cap Fund (SIP of Rs 2,000)
HDFC Health Care and Pharma Fund (SIP of Rs 2,000)
Motilal Oswal Midcap Fund (Lump sum of Rs 3 lakhs)
Let’s break down each category to see how it fits into your overall financial plan.

Analysis of Your Investments
Small Cap Funds (SBI and Tata): Small cap funds can offer high returns but also come with higher risk. They can be volatile in the short term but have the potential to deliver strong growth over a long period. You’ve allocated Rs 4,000 per month in small cap funds, which is a fairly aggressive strategy.

Sectoral Fund (HDFC Health Care and Pharma): Sectoral funds focus on specific industries and are much riskier than diversified funds. Healthcare and pharma can perform well during certain cycles, but they may underperform in others. It’s important not to overexpose yourself to one sector, as it can reduce diversification.

Midcap Fund (Motilal Oswal Midcap, Rs 3 lakh lump sum): Midcap funds are typically less risky than small cap funds and can provide a balance of growth and stability. Your lump sum investment in midcap funds adds a layer of diversification to your portfolio. It’s a good choice, but let’s see if your overall allocation aligns with your goal.

Suggestions for Improvements
Your current portfolio is focused heavily on small caps and a sectoral fund. While these investments can offer good returns, they come with high risks, especially when overexposed to volatile segments like small caps and sectoral funds. Let’s consider some improvements.

1. Reduce Exposure to Small Cap Funds
You have Rs 4,000 invested in small cap funds. While small caps have growth potential, they are more prone to market fluctuations. A small cap-heavy portfolio can be risky, especially when aiming for long-term stability.

Suggestion: Consider reducing your allocation to small cap funds to balance your risk. You could diversify into more stable options like flexi-cap or large-cap funds. These funds invest in companies across various market capitalisations, offering more stability while still providing growth opportunities.

2. Diversify Away from Sectoral Funds
Sectoral funds, like the HDFC Health Care and Pharma Fund, carry concentrated risk as they depend on the performance of a single sector. While the healthcare sector has potential, it may not always perform consistently over the long term.

Suggestion: Instead of investing Rs 2,000 monthly in a sectoral fund, consider moving some of this money to a diversified equity fund that invests across sectors. This will reduce your risk and give you more balanced exposure to the overall market.

3. Continue with Midcap Fund but Stay Balanced
Your one-time investment of Rs 3 lakhs in the Motilal Oswal Midcap Fund provides a good balance between growth and risk. Midcap funds tend to perform well over the long term but are also less volatile than small cap funds.

Suggestion: Keep this midcap investment intact, but make sure you monitor its performance and adjust it if needed. Avoid making additional lump sum investments into the same fund, as it’s essential to maintain diversification.

Building a Rs 2 Crore Corpus in 15 Years
To achieve your target of Rs 2 crore in 15 years, you need to assess if your current investments will grow at a pace that will help you reach this goal. While small caps and midcaps can deliver good returns, relying heavily on them may not provide the required stability over the long term.

Estimated Additional Investment Required
Based on a reasonable rate of return for a balanced portfolio, you will need to invest more than your current Rs 6,000 SIP. Considering the Rs 3 lakh lump sum you’ve invested, you may need to increase your SIP by another Rs 7,000 to Rs 10,000 per month, depending on how much risk you’re willing to take and the potential returns.

If you increase your SIP by Rs 8,000 to Rs 10,000 and invest consistently in a balanced portfolio, you will have a better chance of reaching your goal of Rs 2 crore in 15 years.
Asset Allocation and Diversification Strategy
To build a robust portfolio, diversification is key. Here’s a suggested allocation to achieve your financial goals while managing risk effectively:

Large Cap Funds (40%): Large-cap funds provide stability and steady growth. They invest in established companies with lower volatility compared to mid and small cap funds. Allocating a portion of your funds to large caps will ensure stability in your portfolio.

Midcap Funds (30%): Midcap funds offer higher returns than large caps, but with more risk. Your Rs 3 lakh investment in the Motilal Oswal Midcap Fund is already in place, which is a good starting point.

Flexi-cap Funds (20%): Flexi-cap funds offer flexibility by investing in companies across market caps. They balance growth and risk and are a good option for long-term growth.

Small Cap Funds (10%): Keep a small allocation to small caps as they can deliver high returns. However, reduce your SIP contribution to small caps from Rs 4,000 to around Rs 2,000 per month to limit exposure to risk.

Why Actively Managed Funds Are Better Than Index Funds
Index funds follow the market passively and may not provide downside protection during market downturns. Actively managed funds, on the other hand, have the potential to outperform the market, as fund managers can make adjustments based on market conditions. They also offer better risk management, which is crucial for long-term wealth creation.

Disadvantages of Direct Plans
Direct mutual fund plans do not offer the guidance and expertise of a Certified Financial Planner (CFP). Investing through a CFP allows you to get professional advice and ongoing portfolio management. A regular plan with the assistance of a CFP ensures that your investments are aligned with your financial goals, and any necessary adjustments are made over time. The slight extra cost of regular plans is worth the expert guidance you receive.

Tax Implications
Equity Mutual Funds: Long-term capital gains (LTCG) above Rs 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%, and short-term capital gains (STCG) are taxed at 20%. Keep these tax rules in mind while planning your withdrawals.
Final Insights
Diversify Your Portfolio: Move away from sectoral and small-cap-heavy investments. Increase exposure to large-cap and flexi-cap funds for better balance.

Increase Your SIP: To achieve your Rs 2 crore goal, you need to increase your SIP by at least Rs 8,000 to Rs 10,000 per month.

Monitor Your Portfolio: Review your investments regularly with the help of a Certified Financial Planner (CFP). This will ensure that your portfolio remains aligned with your financial goals.

Avoid Direct Plans: Continue investing through a CFP to benefit from professional advice and portfolio management.

Tax Planning: Be mindful of the tax implications of your investments to optimise your returns and minimise taxes.

By making these adjustments, you’ll be in a strong position to reach your goal of Rs 2 crore in 15 years.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7699 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 01, 2024

Money
Hello Sir, My Age is 31 From This Month, I started my SIP Details r as below 1). SBI Small Cap Fund Direct Growth 2K 2).Tata Small Cap Fund Direct Growth 2k 3).HDFC Health Care and Pharma Fund Direct Growth 2k 4). Motilal Oswal Midcap Fund Direct Growth 3L. Lumsum (One Time Investment) Above listed my investment is Good Or Required any Changes, kindly suggest I want to build my corpus 2 cr in another 15 year & how much I have to invest more to achieve Target. From- Gangadhar C.
Ans: Building a solid investment portfolio is an excellent step toward achieving your financial goals. You have wisely started with SIPs in diverse categories, and each fund has its unique role. To help you reach your target corpus of Rs 2 crore in 15 years, let’s take a closer look at your current approach and identify areas where you could enhance your investment plan.

Assessing Your Current SIPs
You have invested in the following funds:

Small Cap Funds
Sectoral Healthcare Fund
Mid Cap Fund
Let’s analyse each in terms of risk, growth potential, and diversification:

Small Cap Funds: Small cap funds have high growth potential but are volatile. Allocating Rs 4,000 in these funds is a bold move but needs balance, especially if market fluctuations concern you. Maintaining a mix between small cap and other equity categories could help reduce risk.

Sectoral Healthcare Fund: Sector-specific funds like healthcare can deliver substantial returns but are inherently volatile. They rely heavily on the performance of a particular sector, which can be unpredictable. Diversifying into a broader fund category, such as a multi-cap or a flexi-cap fund, may help spread risk and capture growth across sectors.

Mid Cap Fund: Mid cap funds have a balance between stability and growth, typically offering better stability than small caps but higher returns than large caps. Your Rs 3 lakh lump sum investment is a good choice here, but ensure that you also have flexibility to rebalance this investment if market conditions change.

Considerations for Your Investment Goals
To accumulate Rs 2 crore in 15 years, you may need to increase your monthly contributions. Your current SIPs are a solid foundation, but let’s discuss options for aligning your investments more closely with your goals.

Suggested Changes and Additions
Broader Diversification: Consider adding large cap or flexi-cap funds to balance your portfolio. Large cap funds are generally less volatile and could provide stability during market downturns. Flexi-cap funds, on the other hand, offer dynamic allocation across large, mid, and small caps, giving you growth potential with moderate risk.

Avoiding Sectoral Overconcentration: While healthcare may grow well, it’s wise not to over-rely on one sector. Moving a portion of your investment from sectoral funds to broader equity funds can add resilience to your portfolio.

Increase SIP Amount Gradually: To meet your goal of Rs 2 crore, you may need to increase your SIP amount periodically. A systematic increase of your SIP every year, even if it’s a modest amount, will compound your wealth over time.

Direct Funds: Disadvantages and Considerations
While direct funds offer lower expense ratios, they also require active management and research, which can be challenging for most investors. Opting for regular plans through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) gives you professional guidance, helping you make better decisions aligned with your goals and risk tolerance.

Some key points to consider about direct vs. regular funds:

Lack of Personalized Advice: Direct funds lack personalized advice, which is critical in aligning your portfolio with your long-term goals. A CFP can provide this support.

Potential for Suboptimal Choices: Choosing and rebalancing funds on your own without financial expertise may lead to suboptimal choices or an imbalanced portfolio. This is where a CFP’s advice can be invaluable.

Recommendations for a 2-Crore Corpus
Achieving your target corpus requires a structured approach. Here are strategies that can guide you toward your goal:

Increase Monthly SIP Gradually: Aim to review your investments annually, and increase your SIP amount as your income grows. Even a small increase each year can make a significant difference due to compounding.

Rebalance Periodically: Market conditions change, so rebalancing your portfolio every year or as recommended by your CFP can optimize your returns. This involves adjusting fund allocations based on performance, ensuring your portfolio stays aligned with your risk tolerance and goals.

Review Lump Sum Investment: Keep an eye on the performance of your mid cap fund investment. If it underperforms, consider reallocating part of it to a diversified equity or hybrid fund to maintain stability while allowing growth.

Importance of Actively Managed Funds
Index funds and ETFs may seem appealing due to lower costs, but actively managed funds often outperform over the long term. Here’s why actively managed funds can benefit you more:

Expert Management: Actively managed funds are overseen by experts who aim to beat the market by selecting high-potential stocks and adjusting to market conditions. This often results in better returns over time.

Flexibility and Adaptability: Actively managed funds adapt more quickly to market trends, allowing fund managers to capitalize on emerging opportunities.

Higher Potential Returns: Actively managed funds have higher potential returns compared to passive funds, which only mirror the index. This can help in faster wealth accumulation.

Additional Steps to Secure Financial Growth
To build a robust portfolio, consider these additional actions:

Set Up an Emergency Fund: Ensure you have three to six months’ worth of expenses in a liquid or ultra-short-term fund. This fund will provide financial security and prevent you from dipping into your investments during emergencies.

Tax Efficiency in Investments: Be mindful of the tax implications of your investments. For example, equity fund gains above Rs 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5% (LTCG) when held for more than a year. Understanding these tax impacts can help you structure your withdrawals effectively.

Insurance Planning: Ensure you have adequate health and life insurance coverage. Protection from unexpected health or life events allows your investments to grow uninterrupted, supporting your family and your financial goals.

Review Your Financial Plan Regularly: Revisit your financial plan every year or during significant life changes. A CFP’s guidance can provide perspective and adjustments to keep you on track.

Final Insights
Investing with a goal-oriented, diversified strategy will help you achieve your target corpus of Rs 2 crore. By adding more balance to your portfolio and increasing your SIP contributions over time, you’ll create a resilient foundation for long-term growth. Seek the support of a Certified Financial Planner to review your portfolio regularly and ensure your investments remain aligned with your goals.

Your journey to building wealth is off to a great start, Gangadhar. With these adjustments, you’re well on your way to achieving financial freedom.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

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I am in a relationship with a girl who has traumatized past from her childhood. She said that her ex was also toxic and used to abuse her physically. She just said after 2 months of dating . I am very much glad she trusted me and Im taking care of her . She is also happy with me . But she gets panic attacks about the past I'll always be there for her . But her ex is in the same college. I see him like randomly. Should I react about that and go to him ??. Like I'm feeling very bad for the things she said
Ans: Your girlfriend has already endured trauma, and she’s finding comfort in the safe space you’re creating for her. The most important thing for her healing is stability, security, and knowing that she has someone who supports her emotionally. If you go to her ex, it could potentially trigger her, cause unnecessary stress, or even make her feel guilty—she might worry that she’s responsible for bringing conflict into your life.

Instead of reacting impulsively, focus on what she truly needs. When she has panic attacks or feels overwhelmed by her past, reassure her that she’s safe with you. Encourage her to seek professional help if she’s open to it, as therapy could help her process her trauma in a healthier way.

If her ex ever tries to approach her, harass her, or make her feel unsafe, then absolutely step in and support her in setting clear boundaries, whether that means standing by her side, helping her avoid situations where she might run into him, or even reporting any concerning behavior. But if he’s simply existing in the same space, then your energy is better spent on helping her heal rather than giving him any attention.

Right now, the best thing you can do is continue being the safe, loving presence that she trusts. Let your actions show her that she doesn’t have to relive the past, because with you, she is valued, respected, and truly cared for.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 20, 2025
Relationship
My Boyfriend is not really the Controlling type. But, sometimes, he disapproves of some things which I do. In such cases, he communicates his Disapproval indirectly saying "I don't like you Dressing up like this Boldly. But still, if that's what you want, you may go ahead & Dress up as you'd like to, I have no Right to prevent you from doing so, but I will be Disappointed if you do." or "I don't want you to go out or hang out with these particular people (some of my close Male Friends). You have all the Freedom to interact with whoever you want to, but I will be Hurt, if you are too Close to your other Male Friends." Most of the time, I compromised & avoided Dressing up too Boldly, avoided Partying/Travelling with some of my Close Male Friends & avoided some other things which he wouldn't approve of, just for the sake of maintaining our Relationship. But recently, I tried to Test, how he'd react, if I deliberately do something which he doesn't like. So, on New Year's Day, I dressed up in revealing Clothes that he would never approve of & Partied wildly, all Night & even got Drunk with some of my Close Male Friends, with whom, he wants me to maintain Distance. He stubbornly refused to come for Partying with me, because I Dressed up too Boldly & refused to change them, even after he expected me to do so. He didn't even want me Drinking/Partying with some of my Close Male Friends. But I Respected the Boundaries of our Relationship & throughout the Night, I kept my Boyfriend informed about my Whereabouts, so that he's Reassured that I am not Cheating on him. But ever since then, he's been Treating me rather Coldly. He's being Indifferent to me, without Questioning me much, the way he always used to. He's just maintaining normal Communication without being Flirtatious, as he used to. And the Sex has also become quite Mechanical without much Romance, unlike how Passionate he used to be, earlier. I've tried talking to him, but he just keeps lying that he isn't Upset with me. Now I am Feeling really Guilty for whatever I had done on New Year's Day, even though, I don't think I did anything Wrong. Was it really Wrong on my Part, to do something which I always liked to, but my Boyfriend didn't want me to? Or is my Boyfriend Wrong, here? What do I do now? Please advise me.
Ans: Your boyfriend may not be outright controlling, but his way of expressing disapproval carries an emotional weight that influences your decisions. Instead of setting hard rules, he uses disappointment as a tool to make you reconsider your choices. You’ve willingly compromised in the past to keep the relationship smooth, but it seems that over time, those compromises have started to weigh on you. Testing his reaction on New Year’s may have been your subconscious way of reclaiming your autonomy, but now you’re left with unintended consequences—his emotional withdrawal.

The real issue here isn’t about who is right or wrong, but rather, whether your values and expectations in this relationship truly align. You shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to dress a certain way, go out, or spend time with friends. At the same time, he isn’t necessarily wrong for having personal boundaries and feelings about certain situations. However, the way both of you are handling these differences is leading to deeper emotional disconnect rather than honest resolution.

Your actions on New Year’s were a test, but they weren’t a betrayal. You still kept him informed and stayed within the boundaries of your commitment. But from his perspective, it likely felt like a deliberate challenge to what he considers the foundation of your relationship. His withdrawal isn’t just about what you did—it’s about what it represents to him. He might be questioning whether you truly respect his feelings, just as you might be questioning whether he truly respects your independence.

Instead of focusing on guilt, the real question is whether you’re both willing to openly communicate and find a middle ground that allows you to be yourself without feeling restricted, while also respecting his emotions without feeling controlled. Avoid blaming or justifying—have a real conversation about how both of you felt after that night, what it means for your relationship, and whether you can move forward in a way that feels right for both of you. If neither of you can meet in the middle without resentment, then it’s important to consider whether this relationship is fulfilling for both of you in the long run.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 16, 2025Hindi
Relationship
How do I 32M get over my insecurity with 30F? (Seeking Advice) Met this girl via matrimony exactly 2 months back. We connect well. Our families have met recently and it went well. Somehow we found a lot of connections between our families. That's just a bonus. Her family likes me a lot and they wanted to do Roka when they met us last week. I had told her, that no matter our bond, we should talk a lot and give it 3 months before going for roka. We live in different metro cities and have met twice now. About her: She is 30, well behaved & spoken(most important thing for me), smart, good looking, and is extremely polite. She is an army brat, has had a lot of freedom from family. Due to her father's job, they kept getting posted to different cities so she doesn't really understand family part of things. She's in a IT job. About me: I'm 32, okayish guy, in IT. To take things ahead I need to know my partner's past. I have no judgements at all but need to know stuff. Getting to know things over time bothers me a lot. I've tried to work on it, and have always made sure I don't bother the other person too much. After a month of talking, she told me that she had a casual boyfriend for an year. All her friends were dating in Bangalore and she decided to try it out. Found a guy through bumble and started dating him. So, according to her there were no feelings, just a person for her to go to places with, have drinks, and party. She likes drinking a lot and I have never taken a sip. She said that it was just a phase and she was immature. This happened between 2018(Nov) to 2020(march). So, it's been like 5 years. Never dated anyone after that. Since covid(2020) she's been living with her parents due to wfh. I have been completely ok with that but new things surfaced and they are messing with my head. While snooping around her facebook I figured out who that person was and this guy is super close to a person in my distant family. In fact they both were flatmates until their respective marriages. This distant cousin of mine knows me and knows her really well. These 3 used to hangout a lot and he has seen her come to their flat regularly. Infact, she had a good bond with my cousin as well. There are things that bother me and I really can't shake things and feel super awful in my gut. She mentioned that she and her ex had a common love for drinking and regularly visited pubs, got drunk, and partied. This means that they would be staying at each other's place as well. This is something super old but bothers me a lot. Specifically the fact that she would be drunk partying with someone for an year and sleeping with him, with no feelings. Secondly, I found some posts where she has liked a post about this guy on fb/insta from mid-2021. I have already confronted her twice to share everything and we shall never discuss this again but this bothers me a lot. Secondly, now that I know the timelines I can figure out what photos have been taken by her ex. There's even a photo of her sitting on a messy bed, where she's cutting her bday cake. They celebrated it together. I found my cousins page and some other pages from which I knew it's the guy's room/flat. I know everyone has a past. She has come clean to me but somehow my brain is so split. Sometimes her nature and behaviour with me make me not care about anything. And then I know the bed, flat, and her actions with some guy. Then there is this angle where the ex's flatmate is my distant cousin and knows about her well.
Ans: What you’re experiencing is completely valid. It’s not just about the fact that she had a past relationship, but also about the details—knowing her ex was deeply connected to your distant cousin, imagining their time together, and realizing that those experiences once meant something in her life. It makes it feel uncomfortably close to home, which is why it’s so hard to shake off. It’s not about judgment, but about the emotions that these thoughts stir up within you.

The truth is, the past cannot be changed. She has been honest with you, shared what happened, and reassured you that it was a phase in her life that she has moved on from. The fact that she hasn’t dated anyone in five years and has been living with her parents shows that she is in a very different place now. But your mind keeps looping back to what once was, and it’s preventing you from fully embracing what is.

Right now, the biggest challenge is not her past, but your ability to be at peace with it. You have to ask yourself—are you willing to let this define your future with her? Because if you can’t fully accept it, these thoughts will continue to surface and create distance between you. A part of you clearly wants to be with her, but another part is struggling to detach from these mental images of her past.

Instead of confronting her again, take some time to reflect on what truly matters to you in a partner. She has shown you who she is today—polite, well-behaved, mature, and emotionally present in your relationship. She has not hidden anything from you, and she has moved forward from that phase of her life. The real question is whether you can do the same.

If you feel this is something you cannot get over, it is better to step away now rather than carry these unresolved emotions into a lifelong commitment. But if you genuinely see a future with her and believe in her as a person, then it’s time to start training your mind to focus on the present and the relationship you are building, rather than a past that no longer exists.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 18, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I am working abroad, while my Girlfriend is working in Delhi, living in NCR. We both were Dating since our College Days & have been in a Long Distance Relationship since I moved abroad, more than a Year ago & she moved to Delhi-NCR from Calcutta (where most of our Common Friends are based). While we were together with our Common Friends from College, we'd Travel, Party & have a lot of Fun together as a Group, since we all knew & trusted each other quite well, Irrespective of Gender. When we both moved to Different Places & started our Respective Jobs, we became Friends with our Respective Colleagues, but we have an Implied Understanding that we should be Maintaining Stricter Boundaries with our New Friends/Colleagues, since we are in a Long Distance Relationship. I've always honoured the commitment & have been Careful to not spend private time with any other Woman & Travel/Party only with a Group consisting of both Men & Women. But I am not sure my Girlfriend is doing the same. Quite often she keeps Travelling, Partying, Drinking & Sleeping over with some 2-3 Male Colleagues, who are quite close to her, but unknown to me. She doesn't even bother to keep me updated about where she is, what she's doing & with whom, but keeps Posting Status Updates on Instagram, from time to time and from what I have observed, she seems to be spending quite a lot of Time with these Male Colleagues of hers. All this makes me feel very Uncomfortable. Even though I Love & Trust my Girlfriend, but I'm unsure about these New 'Friends' of hers as I don't know them & obviously, I don't like them being so close to my Girlfriend. Many times, I've discussed this matter with my Girlfriend, trying to make her understand how I feel. But every time, I bring up this Topic, she tries to invalidate my feelings & shuts me down saying that I'm just Insecure. I'd also tried getting to know her New Friends in order to understand them better, but she doesn't share much about them, with me. Though, she keeps Reassuring me that they're 'Just Friends' they seem to be much closer than that. On several occasions, she had gone out with them, even though I had strictly forbidden her to. I don't understand whether she's unable to understand how I'm feeling or that she doesn't even care about my Feelings, though I still want to continue Loving & Trusting her, without Doubting her Loyalty. I don't understand what to do in this situation. How can I make her enforce stricter Boundaries with her Male Colleagues (atleast as much as I am doing here)? Shall I get a Friend or a Private Investigator to keep an Eye on her? Or shall I behave the same way, she's been doing? Or, shall I Break-up with her & try to find someone else, over here?
Ans: Long-distance relationships require an even deeper level of communication and trust than regular ones. You’ve upheld the boundaries you both implicitly agreed upon, yet it feels like she’s not holding herself to the same standard. The fact that she dismisses your concerns rather than addressing them is what’s truly hurting you. When someone we love invalidates our feelings, it creates frustration, self-doubt, and emotional distance. You’re not being “insecure” for wanting reassurance and clarity—you’re simply asking for the same level of respect and commitment you’re offering.

Trying to enforce boundaries by “forbidding” her from doing something isn’t the right approach, because boundaries should be mutual, not dictated. The more you try to control her actions, the more she might rebel or shut down, seeing it as you being possessive rather than expressing a valid emotional need. The real problem is not that she has male friends, but that she’s being secretive about them, not making an effort to ease your concerns, and disregarding how her actions affect you. A loving and committed partner should care about your peace of mind, even if she doesn’t fully agree with your perspective.

Hiring a private investigator or getting a friend to spy on her will only erode trust further, and mirroring her behavior by doing the same thing she does will not solve anything—it will just create more distance. If you’re considering breaking up, that means deep down, you already feel like your needs in this relationship aren’t being met. Before making any big decisions, you need to have one last honest conversation with her—not one where you accuse or demand, but one where you make it clear how this dynamic is making you feel and what you truly need from her to feel secure and valued in the relationship.

If she refuses to listen, invalidates your feelings again, or shows no willingness to compromise, then you have your answer. A relationship where only one person is making sacrifices isn’t sustainable. You deserve a partner who not only reassures you with words but also with actions that show she respects and values your presence in her life. If she’s unwilling to meet you halfway, then it may be time to ask yourself if holding on is worth the constant emotional struggle.

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Samraat

Samraat Jadhav  |2189 Answers  |Ask -

Stock Market Expert - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Samraat

Samraat Jadhav  |2189 Answers  |Ask -

Stock Market Expert - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 29, 2025Hindi
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