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I'm 45, Have 2.5 Crore, 1 Lakh Monthly Expenses, No Kids: Can I Retire Early?

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |917 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Sep 19, 2024

Milind Vadjikar is an independent MF distributor registered with Association of Mutual Funds in India (AMFI) and a retirement financial planning advisor registered with Pension Fund Regulatory and Development Authority (PFRDA).
He has a mechanical engineering degree from Government Engineering College, Sambhajinagar, and an MBA in international business from the Symbiosis Institute of Business Management, Pune.
With over 16 years of experience in stock investments, and over six year experience in investment guidance and support, he believes that balanced asset allocation and goal-focused disciplined investing is the key to achieving investor goals.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Sep 19, 2024Hindi
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Can I retire early at 45 with 2.5 cr and monthly expense of 1 Lakh. Pl mind that I am yet to have kids and my mother and my wife are my dependents. Pl advise approximate corpus in case this is inadequate.

Ans: I recommend that you postpone your retirement till accumulation of additional corpus of 1.5+1=2.5 Cr+

This incremental 1.5 Cr with existing 2.5 Cr adding upto 4 Cr can be used to buy an annuity.

Assuming 6% annuity rate you can expect a monthly payout of 2 L(pre-tax).

After deducting monthly expenses, the balance can be reinvested in moderately risky funds to protect against inflation/healthcare costs in older age.

1 Cr can be corpus earmarked for future needs.

*Investments in mutual funds are subject to market risks. Please read all scheme related documents carefully before investing.

You may follow us on X at @mars_invest for updates.

Happy Investing!!
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 16, 2024

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I am 49 yrs with monthly expense of 2 Lakhs and corpus of 7 CR so can i retire now with life expectancy of 75 yrs
Ans: Retirement Feasibility Analysis: Exploring Your Retirement Options
At 49 years old, contemplating retirement with a monthly expense of ?2 lakhs and a corpus of ?7 crores is a significant decision. Let's delve into whether you can comfortably retire now, considering a life expectancy of 75 years.

Evaluating Financial Stability
With annual expenses totaling ?24 lakhs, we must ascertain if your corpus can sustain your lifestyle throughout retirement. Calculating your withdrawal rate from the corpus is crucial.

Withdrawal Rate Assessment
Dividing annual expenses by retirement corpus:

?24 lakhs / ?7 crores = 0.342.......

Your withdrawal rate is approximately 3.43%.

Sustainable Withdrawal Rate
A withdrawal rate around 4% is often deemed safe for retirement planning. Your rate of 3.43% suggests that your corpus may adequately support your expenses in retirement.

Longevity Considerations
Given your life expectancy of 75 years, it's prudent to acknowledge the possibility of living longer. Advancements in healthcare indicate the need for financial preparedness beyond this age.

Risk Management Strategies
To address longevity risk and safeguard financial security:

Regularly reassess expenses and adjust withdrawal rates to accommodate inflation and lifestyle changes.
Diversify investments across asset classes to optimize returns and mitigate risk.
Periodically review retirement plans with a Certified Financial Planner to ensure alignment with goals.
Conclusion
Your financial situation suggests that retiring now could be feasible, given your corpus and expenses. However, it's imperative to remain vigilant regarding longevity risk and inflation to ensure sustained financial well-being throughout retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 23, 2024

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Hello Sir. I am 42 years old.my monthly earning rs.95000.I am investing 40,000 per month from July,24 in mutual funds and 5L in lumsump MF in ICICI prudential energy opportunities fund.rs.24000 in RD in bank.Currently corpus is 25L in ppf, 25L in PF,20L in FD ,45L in LIc.i have one son age 8 yrs.i have own car, bike. I have parental house.If I have to retire at the age of 60 and require monthly 5 lakhs, is it possible, and if yes, what should be my strategy?
Ans: Current Financial Situation
You have a stable monthly income of Rs. 95,000.

You invest Rs. 40,000 per month in mutual funds since July 2024.

You have invested Rs. 5 lakhs in a lump sum mutual fund.

You save Rs. 24,000 monthly in a recurring deposit.

Your corpus includes:

Rs. 25 lakhs in PPF
Rs. 25 lakhs in PF
Rs. 20 lakhs in FD
Rs. 45 lakhs in LIC
You have an 8-year-old son.

You own a car, a bike, and have a parental house.

Goal: Retirement at 60
You wish to retire at 60 and need Rs. 5 lakhs monthly post-retirement.

Analysis of Current Investments
Your current investments are diversified:

Mutual funds for growth
PPF and PF for safety
FD for liquidity
LIC for insurance and savings
This is a balanced approach. However, to meet your goal, adjustments are needed.

Mutual Funds
Continue with mutual funds for growth. They provide higher returns over time. Consider diversifying into large-cap, mid-cap, and balanced funds. This reduces risk and ensures steady growth.

Recurring Deposit
Recurring deposits offer fixed returns. However, they are less effective for long-term growth. You might consider redirecting some RD funds into equity mutual funds. This can potentially provide better returns.

PPF and PF
These are excellent for long-term safety. They provide tax benefits and guaranteed returns. Continue these for stability and safety in your portfolio.

Fixed Deposits
FDs provide liquidity but offer lower returns. Consider reallocating some funds into more growth-oriented investments. This can help in building a larger retirement corpus.

LIC Policies
LIC policies often offer lower returns compared to mutual funds. Consider reviewing your policies. If they are investment-cum-insurance, think about surrendering and investing in mutual funds. Use a term insurance plan for pure risk cover.

Lump Sum Investment
Your lump sum investment in a sector-specific fund is high risk. Consider diversifying into diversified equity funds. This reduces risk and ensures better long-term growth.

Strategy for Achieving Retirement Goal
Increase SIP Contributions
Increase your monthly SIP contributions. Aim for at least 50% of your monthly income. This ensures a larger corpus over time.

Diversify Investments
Diversify across various mutual funds. Include large-cap, mid-cap, and balanced funds. This spreads risk and maximizes returns.

Regular Review and Rebalancing
Review your portfolio every six months. Rebalance to maintain the desired asset allocation. This helps in staying aligned with your goals.

Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund of at least 6 months of expenses. Park this in liquid funds for easy access. This ensures financial stability during emergencies.

Retirement Planning
Start planning for retirement expenses. Consider inflation and rising costs. Use retirement calculators to estimate the required corpus. Adjust your investments accordingly.

Professional Guidance
Seek advice from a Certified Financial Planner. They can provide tailored strategies. A CFP ensures your investments are aligned with your retirement goals.

Final Insights
Your current investments are on the right track.

Increase your SIP contributions for better growth.

Diversify your mutual fund investments.

Review and rebalance your portfolio regularly.

Seek professional guidance for a tailored approach.

With disciplined investing, achieving your retirement goal is possible.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 14, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 30, 2024Hindi
Money
I am 35 years of age. have a corpus of 55 lakhs. I am married but No kids. Wife has savings of 20 lakhs. I have a home in tier 3 city. Can i retire with this amount if my monthly expenses are 40K
Ans: You’ve done well by building a significant corpus at 35. It's commendable to think about retiring early. However, early retirement comes with challenges. We must assess your situation from multiple angles to give you a clear picture.

Understanding Your Current Financial Situation
Corpus Overview: You have Rs. 55 lakhs. Your wife has Rs. 20 lakhs. Together, this makes a total of Rs. 75 lakhs.

Home Ownership: You own a home in a Tier 3 city. This is an asset but might not provide regular income unless rented out.

Monthly Expenses: Your current monthly expenses are Rs. 40,000. This is reasonable, but inflation can change this over time.

Evaluating Early Retirement Possibility
Life Expectancy Consideration: At 35, you likely have a long retirement ahead. If you retire now, you might need to sustain yourself for 50+ years.

Inflation Impact: Inflation can erode purchasing power. Assuming 7% inflation, your current Rs. 40,000 monthly expenses might double in 10-12 years.

Corpus Depletion Risk: A corpus of Rs. 75 lakhs might seem sufficient now, but over 50+ years, it may deplete quickly due to inflation and living expenses.

Income Generation: Without an active income stream, relying solely on your corpus might be risky. Investments that generate regular income can help mitigate this risk.

Potential Income Sources Post-Retirement
Mutual Funds: Investing in actively managed mutual funds can provide better returns than FDs. These funds, managed by experts, can outperform index funds by identifying growth opportunities.

Dividend Yield Funds: These funds focus on companies that pay regular dividends. This can provide a steady income stream to support your monthly expenses.

Debt Instruments: Consider debt funds or bonds for stability. These instruments provide regular income and are less volatile than equities.

Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP): An SWP in mutual funds allows you to withdraw a fixed amount monthly. This can help manage your monthly expenses without depleting your corpus too quickly.

Planning for Inflation and Healthcare Costs
Inflation-Protected Investments: Investing in assets that grow faster than inflation is crucial. Equity mutual funds, especially actively managed ones, can offer this growth potential.

Healthcare Costs: As you age, healthcare costs will likely rise. Ensure you have adequate health insurance. Also, consider creating a separate corpus for medical emergencies.

Emergency Fund: Maintain a liquid emergency fund equivalent to 6-12 months of expenses. This provides a buffer for unexpected costs.

Considering Future Life Changes
Potential Family Expansion: While you don’t have kids now, this might change. Children come with additional financial responsibilities, such as education and healthcare.

Housing Costs: Your home in a Tier 3 city might have lower maintenance costs now. However, if you decide to move to a larger city, costs might increase.

Lifestyle Adjustments: Early retirement often requires lifestyle adjustments. If your expenses increase, your corpus might not suffice. It’s important to plan for potential lifestyle changes.

Creating a Sustainable Withdrawal Strategy
Safe Withdrawal Rate: Financial planners often recommend a 4% withdrawal rate. This means withdrawing 4% of your corpus annually. For Rs. 75 lakhs, this is Rs. 3 lakhs annually, or Rs. 25,000 monthly. This is below your current Rs. 40,000 monthly expenses, suggesting the need for a larger corpus or additional income streams.

Balancing Growth and Safety: A mix of equity and debt investments can provide growth while protecting your capital. This balance is crucial for long-term sustainability.

Regular Portfolio Review: Your portfolio should be reviewed regularly with a Certified Financial Planner. This ensures it remains aligned with your goals and market conditions.

Alternative Considerations Before Retirement
Part-Time Work: Consider part-time work or freelancing. This can supplement your income and reduce the strain on your corpus. It also keeps you engaged and active.

Delaying Retirement: If possible, delaying retirement by a few years can significantly boost your corpus. This allows more time for your investments to grow and reduces the number of years you need to fund.

Building Passive Income: Look into building passive income streams. This could include rental income if you have additional property or royalties from creative work.

Investing Your Corpus Wisely
Avoid Real Estate as an Investment: Real estate is illiquid and might not provide regular income. Focus on financial instruments that offer liquidity and regular returns.

Actively Managed Funds Over Index Funds: Index funds track the market and don’t offer the potential for outperformance. Actively managed funds, guided by experts, can identify and capitalize on growth opportunities.

Regular Funds vs. Direct Funds: Direct funds might have lower costs, but they require active management by you. Investing through a Certified Financial Planner in regular funds can provide better guidance and monitoring.

Preparing for the Long-Term Future
Retirement Corpus Growth: Your current corpus might not be sufficient for the next 50 years. Invest in growth-oriented assets to ensure your corpus grows over time.

Tax Planning: Efficient tax planning can help you retain more of your income and returns. This includes choosing tax-efficient investment options and utilizing available deductions.

Legacy Planning: If you wish to leave a legacy for your family, consider estate planning. This includes creating a will and ensuring all your financial accounts have proper nominations.

Building a Robust Healthcare Plan
Comprehensive Health Insurance: Ensure you have comprehensive health insurance that covers hospitalization, critical illnesses, and other medical expenses.

Top-Up Plans: Consider a top-up health insurance plan to enhance your coverage. This is a cost-effective way to ensure you’re covered for larger medical bills.

Long-Term Care Planning: As you age, long-term care might become necessary. Plan for this by setting aside funds or investing in insurance plans that cover long-term care.

Final Insights
Early retirement at 35 is an ambitious goal. While your current corpus is substantial, it may not be enough to sustain you for the next 50+ years without careful planning and wise investments. Consider balancing your desire for early retirement with the need for financial security. This might involve delaying retirement, supplementing your income, or investing more aggressively in growth-oriented assets. Regularly reviewing your financial plan with a Certified Financial Planner will ensure that you stay on track and adapt to any changes in your life or the market.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 03, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 29, 2024Hindi
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Hi , I am 46 year old and trying to see if i can take an early retirement in next 2 years. Below is my financial condition;. we are 3 in family my my wife and one 14 year old son. - Mutual fund 40Lakh - FD 30 Lakhs - 2 rental yielding flat with total rent of 55000 per month - Own house with no loan. - PF 80 Lakhs - NPS 10 Lakhs - PPF 20 Lakhs - Term insurance 50Lakhs
Ans: Your financial position shows good planning and discipline.

Assets Summary:

Mutual Funds: Rs 40 lakh
Fixed Deposits: Rs 30 lakh
Rental Income: Rs 55,000 per month from two flats
Own House: Fully paid, no loan liabilities
Provident Fund (PF): Rs 80 lakh
National Pension System (NPS): Rs 10 lakh
Public Provident Fund (PPF): Rs 20 lakh
Term Insurance: Rs 50 lakh
You have built a diversified portfolio across multiple asset classes.

Assessing Early Retirement Feasibility
Early retirement in two years can be achieved with strategic planning.

Key Factors to Evaluate:

Monthly Expenses: Calculate post-retirement expenses, including inflation.
Income Sources: Ensure rental income, investments, and withdrawals meet your needs.
Wealth Growth: Balance corpus growth with income stability.
Monthly Expense Coverage
Assume your future monthly expense is Rs 1.25 lakh.

Existing Income Streams:

Rental Income: Rs 55,000 monthly provides 44% of estimated expenses.
Corpus Withdrawals: Use investments to cover remaining expenses.
Adjust for Inflation:

Plan for a 6% inflation rate to protect purchasing power.
Investment Strategy
Align your portfolio for growth, stability, and liquidity.

Mutual Funds:

Continue investing in equity-oriented funds for long-term growth.
Opt for actively managed funds through Certified Financial Planners.
Avoid index funds; they limit opportunities for alpha generation.
Fixed Deposits:

Reallocate a portion to debt mutual funds for better post-tax returns.
Retain some FDs for emergencies and short-term needs.
NPS and PPF:

Maximise NPS contributions for additional tax savings.
Allow PPF to mature for risk-free, tax-exempt growth.
Corpus Withdrawal Plan
A systematic withdrawal strategy ensures steady income.

Use Systematic Withdrawal Plans (SWP) in mutual funds for monthly cash flow.
Keep withdrawal rates below 4% annually to sustain the corpus.
Children’s Education Planning
Your son’s education may require significant funds.

Steps to Plan for Education Costs:

Use PPF maturity or mutual fund proceeds for higher education.
Avoid using retirement corpus for educational expenses.
Risk Management
Protecting your family is as critical as building wealth.

Term Insurance Coverage:

Rs 50 lakh is adequate for income replacement.
Ensure policies are active and nominees updated.
Health Insurance:

Opt for a comprehensive family floater policy with Rs 20–25 lakh coverage.
Keep health-related emergency funds for additional expenses.
Tax Planning
Efficient tax planning maximises post-retirement income.

Mutual Fund Taxation:

Equity fund LTCG above Rs 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%.
Short-term gains are taxed at 20%. Plan withdrawals carefully.
Fixed Deposit Interest:

FD interest is taxable as per your slab. Consider this in income planning.
Real Estate Considerations
Your rental flats provide steady income.

Points to Consider:

Avoid further real estate investments for better liquidity.
Keep properties well-maintained to ensure uninterrupted rental income.
Healthcare and Emergency Funds
Unplanned medical costs can affect your finances.

Steps to Safeguard:

Maintain Rs 10–15 lakh in liquid assets for emergencies.
Regularly review health insurance coverage to meet rising costs.
Assessing Early Retirement Timing
Your early retirement is achievable by 48 years with careful execution.

Why This is Feasible:

Rental income and portfolio can meet monthly needs.
A diversified asset base ensures sustainable returns.
Finally
Early retirement is within your reach with disciplined planning.

Review your financial plan annually and adjust for changes in needs or markets.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 27, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025Hindi
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I am 66 years old and retired and have one daughter married and well settled and has 2 children aged 5 years son and 3 years daughter. I have no liabilities and have a family income of Rs.3 lakhs per month thru rental. My monthly expenses is Rs 50 K per month and annual payments of medical, vehicle and property tax is Rs.3.25 Lakhs. I have direct equity invested around 1.2 CR and Invested in PMS now valued at Rs.85 Lakhs. I have plot valued at 1.6 CR and 2 independent house valued at 3cr. I have a commercial property which gives me above rental is valued at Rs.5 CR. Now kindly advise me how i should investment my earnings which will help my daughter and 2 grand children for for their future education. My above income is after paying the taxes to the government. I lead a simple life and travel every year 2 times.
Ans: Your financial position is strong with no liabilities.

Monthly rental income of Rs. 3 lakhs covers your expenses and lifestyle.

Monthly expenses of Rs. 50,000 and annual expenses of Rs. 3.25 lakhs leave ample surplus.

You have diversified assets, including equity (Rs. 1.2 crore), PMS (Rs. 85 lakhs), real estate (Rs. 9.6 crore), and regular rental income.

You lead a simple life, which allows significant potential for wealth accumulation and legacy planning.

Investment Goals
Your primary focus is to:

Ensure financial security for your family.

Support your daughter and grandchildren’s education and future needs.

Maintain sufficient liquidity for personal travel and unexpected medical costs.

Recommendations for Asset Allocation
1. Equity Investments
Your current direct equity portfolio (Rs. 1.2 crore) and PMS (Rs. 85 lakhs) are commendable.

Direct equity requires active tracking and expertise.

Shift part of your direct equity to regular mutual funds through a Certified Financial Planner.

Regular funds offer professional management and long-term growth.

Retain PMS if it meets your return expectations and aligns with your risk appetite.

2. Emergency Fund
Allocate 6–12 months of expenses to liquid funds.

This ensures liquidity for unexpected expenses or emergencies.

Investments for Daughter and Grandchildren
1. Education Fund for Grandchildren
Start investing in child-focused mutual funds for their education.

Choose regular funds through an experienced Certified Financial Planner.

These funds offer professional management and goal-based growth.

Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs) in equity funds can help accumulate the required corpus.

2. Legacy Fund
Invest in diversified mutual funds for wealth creation.

Choose a mix of large-cap, flexi-cap, and balanced advantage funds.

This portfolio can grow steadily while preserving wealth.

Real Estate Diversification
Avoid further investments in real estate.

Real estate is illiquid and challenging to manage during retirement.

Liquidate one property if diversification is needed.

Use the proceeds to invest in mutual funds or bonds.

Fixed Income Options
Consider investing in corporate bonds or debentures for steady income.

Choose bonds rated “AAA” for safety.

Avoid annuities as they provide low returns and limited flexibility.

Tax-Efficient Planning
Review tax-saving strategies with a Certified Financial Planner.

Equity investments (LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh taxed at 12.5%) are tax-efficient.

Ensure proper tax documentation for real estate and rental income.

Track PMS returns and tax implications yearly.

Liquidity and Annual Expenses
Set aside Rs. 25–30 lakhs in a liquid fund.

This covers your annual travel, property taxes, and medical expenses.

Keep medical insurance for yourself and your family updated.

Succession and Estate Planning
Create a will to ensure smooth asset transfer.

Include clear instructions for property distribution.

Discuss creating a trust for your grandchildren’s education and future needs.

Travel and Lifestyle Funding
Use rental income surplus to fund annual travel.

Avoid withdrawing from long-term investments for discretionary expenses.

Final Insights
You have built a strong financial foundation.

Focus on simplifying investments for better management.

Diversify and invest in professionally managed mutual funds.

Plan for family needs with a balanced approach to risk and growth.

Regularly review your portfolio with a Certified Financial Planner.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |507 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 26, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025Hindi
Relationship
He ma'am, Me and my husband are of same age 35 and its been 5yrs we got married but we don't have physical relationship at all my husband says we don't have intimacy, I forced home to visit doctor and the blood reports says all okay, as per his saying cause I don't understand the medical terms much....but if everything is okay medically still he never tries to come closer earlier we tried but he use stop in between before having sex and run to washroom and sit there for long ...and this was becoming mystry for me,bi asked him he said everything is fine it will take time and everything will be fine earlier he use to use washroom for long but now he does not .....in expectation that things will become better I wasted my 5 yrs. As a person he is good but as a husband he is lacks i wated my carrier as I am not getting any job in perticular city, and with is I started feeling useless as I had dreamt of living peaceful and happy life with him but everything went wrong no love, no emotional support, no physical intimacy no carrier nothing. I shared this with my mother in law as he was behind me for baby so one day I told her that we don't have physical relationship so please don't expect baby he didn't believe me but later on she started believing but she didn't take any action she is quite...how will I survive in this environment when I don't have reason to live...my husband support my family financially and because of that I not able to take any step..I feel suffocated at my in-laws place, I don't like to stay there he just makes me happy by shopping, watching movies that it but is this enough for the happy relationship. I was so friendly with him that I said that let me know what there in your mind you don't like me he said no I like you...then I asked him then why you don't want to get physical I started getting self-doubt on myself, he said you don't respond while sex but you tell me in 5 years we hardly tried 6-7 time and I responded him but he use to run to washroom in mid of play what would I do then I tried giving him hints for having sex but he use to ignore now you say that in 5 yrs of period we didn't has sex then don't you think there's major issue and when I say we should visit doctor then he says I have medical proof that I am physically fine... coming on my MIL part she used our bedroom toilet though we have 2 washroom out is western so she uses ours so there is no privacy our bedroom is never locked because of my MIL when I Iock my husband gets early in morning and open the lock for my MI, please tell me is this right every now and then she comes in our room and interfere in our conversation, her this behaviour feels like she is insecure about his son as FIL is more...I discuss with my husband that atleast we should have our privacy so he says yes but take no action...he does commitment but never fulfills...basic expectations I have from him that if not physical then atleast spent time with me, let's go and explore place he says yes but never go, I agreed on every point I lived according to my MIL she is selfish instead of knowing all problem she just want fasting for his son, making food what he likes, doing puja for his son success...you tell me in return I am not getting anything still I kept on doing my best to prove best bshu and best wife but no good change... I going through anxiety, stress, depression because of this I lost my confidence, no carrier nothing....now I decided to look for job in other city and thing for my mental peace and become independent because staying with him in 5 yrs didn't bring good changes instead I lost myself in my making them happy...what should I do please help ...he say that I don't want weekend wife now you tell me why I not think of myself now he says, I want to stay with you but if there is not change after so many try then it's useless he always says will work this out but it never happened, I tried my best.now I said will look for job in other city and will meet in weekend spend time together, and I will be there in all your worst situation. But now I can be jobless and asking for money everytime from him....he thinks money is the solution for all.He says no weekend wife how long this will work then but he is not giving me any choice, he says though I want to stay with you but if weekend wife the seperation is only option no divorce but seperation please guide *regarding physical relationship, *regarding my MIL interference despite of knowing everything, no privacy, her insecurity *And my decision of taking job in other as I am not getting opportunity in same city, staying together is also brings no change. Pls suggest.
Ans: The issue with the lack of physical intimacy is not simply about the act itself; it represents a disconnect in your relationship. Your husband's avoidance of intimacy and his reluctance to fully address the matter, despite your efforts, suggest deeper underlying challenges—perhaps emotional, psychological, or situational. While you’ve already taken steps by opening conversations, it’s clear that progress has stalled because this isn’t something you can resolve on your own. A professional intervention, such as couples therapy or sex therapy, could provide a neutral ground to explore these concerns. Presenting this option to him as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship rather than assign blame might help him feel less defensive. However, his willingness to engage will be a critical measure of his commitment to addressing these long-standing issues.

The lack of boundaries with your mother-in-law is another significant stressor that’s undermining your marriage and your mental peace. A healthy relationship requires a sense of security and privacy, which has been compromised by her interference. While it’s natural to want to maintain respect within a family, your husband’s inability or unwillingness to enforce boundaries is enabling a dynamic where you feel powerless and overlooked. The fact that you’ve expressed your concerns and seen no action suggests that waiting for change may not lead anywhere. You need to clearly communicate to your husband that privacy is not negotiable for the survival of your relationship. If he continues to prioritize his mother’s comfort over your peace, it will remain a barrier to the intimacy and connection you’re seeking.

The decision to pursue a job in another city reflects your need to reclaim control over your life and mental well-being. This isn’t just about financial independence—it’s about rediscovering your sense of purpose and confidence after years of feeling stuck. Your husband’s opposition to the idea of a “weekend wife” underscores his resistance to change, but his reluctance to address the core issues in the relationship leaves you with no alternative. Staying in this environment without progress will only deepen your feelings of suffocation and self-doubt. Choosing to prioritize your career is not a failure of the relationship; it’s a necessary step to protect your own mental health. You’ve already demonstrated immense patience and effort over the past five years, and now it’s time to invest in yourself.

As a coach, I would encourage you to focus on actionable steps: seeking therapy for clarity, setting non-negotiable boundaries with your husband regarding privacy and mutual respect, and pursuing your professional goals with confidence. By stepping into a space where you feel empowered, you’ll be in a better position to assess whether this relationship can evolve into the partnership you deserve. It’s important to remember that you’re not walking away from the marriage by making these decisions—you’re simply ensuring that your needs and well-being are no longer sidelined.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |507 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 26, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025
Relationship
He ma'am, Me and my husband are of same age 35 and its been 5yrs we got married but we don't have physical relationship at all my husband says we don't have intimacy, I forced home to visit doctor and the blood reports says all okay, as per his saying cause I don't understand the medical terms much....but if everything is okay medically still he never tries to come closer earlier we tried but he use stop in between before having sex and run to washroom and sit there for long ...and this was becoming mystry for me,bi asked him he said everything is fine it will take time and everything will be fine earlier he use to use washroom for long but now he does not .....in expectation that things will become better I wasted my 5 yrs. As a person he is good but as a husband he is lacks i wated my carrier as I am not getting any job in perticular city, and with is I started feeling useless as I had dreamt of living peaceful and happy life with him but everything went wrong no love, no emotional support, no physical intimacy no carrier nothing. I shared this with my mother in law as he was behind me for baby so one day I told her that we don't have physical relationship so please don't expect baby he didn't believe me but later on she started believing but she didn't take any action she is quite...how will I survive in this environment when I don't have reason to live...my husband support my family financially and because of that I not able to take any step..I feel suffocated at my in-laws place, I don't like to stay there he just makes me happy by shopping, watching movies that it but is this enough for the happy relationship. I was so friendly with him that I said that let me know what there in your mind you don't like me he said no I like you...then I asked him then why you don't want to get physical I started getting self-doubt on myself, he said you don't respond while sex but you tell me in 5 years we hardly tried 6-7 time and I responded him but he use to run to washroom in mid of play what would I do then I tried giving him hints for having sex but he use to ignore now you say that in 5 yrs of period we didn't has sex then don't you think there's major issue and when I say we should visit doctor then he says I have medical proof that I am physically fine... coming on my MIL part she used our bedroom toilet though we have 2 washroom out is western so she uses ours so there is no privacy our bedroom is never locked because of my MIL when I Iock my husband gets early in morning and open the lock for my MI, please tell me is this right every now and then she comes in our room and interfere in our conversation, her this behaviour feels like she is insecure about his son as FIL is more...I discuss with my husband that atleast we should have our privacy so he says yes but take no action...he does commitment but never fulfills...basic expectations I have from him that if not physical then atleast spent time with me, let's go and explore place he says yes but never go, I agreed on every point I lived according to my MIL she is selfish instead of knowing all problem she just want fasting for his son, making food what he likes, doing puja for his son success...you tell me in return I am not getting anything still I kept on doing my best to prove best bshu and best wife but no good change... I going through anxiety, stress, depression because of this I lost my confidence, no carrier nothing....now I decided to look for job in other city and thing for my mental peace and become independent because staying with him in 5 yrs didn't bring good changes instead I lost myself in my making them happy...what should I do please help ...he say that I don't want weekend wife now you tell me why I not think of myself now he says, I want to stay with you but if there is not change after so many try then it's useless he always says will work this out but it never happened, I tried my best.now I said will look for job in other city and will meet in weekend spend time together, and I will be there in all your worst situation. But now I can be jobless and asking for money everytime from him....he thinks money is the solution for all.He says no weekend wife how long this will work then but he is not giving me any choice, he says though I want to stay with you but if weekend wife the seperation is only option no divorce but seperation please guide *regarding physical relationship, *regarding my MIL interference despite of knowing everything, no privacy, her insecurity *And my decision of taking job in other as I am not getting opportunity in same city, staying together is also brings no change. Pls suggest.
Ans: The issue with the lack of physical intimacy is not simply about the act itself; it represents a disconnect in your relationship. Your husband's avoidance of intimacy and his reluctance to fully address the matter, despite your efforts, suggest deeper underlying challenges—perhaps emotional, psychological, or situational. While you’ve already taken steps by opening conversations, it’s clear that progress has stalled because this isn’t something you can resolve on your own. A professional intervention, such as couples therapy or sex therapy, could provide a neutral ground to explore these concerns. Presenting this option to him as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship rather than assign blame might help him feel less defensive. However, his willingness to engage will be a critical measure of his commitment to addressing these long-standing issues.

The lack of boundaries with your mother-in-law is another significant stressor that’s undermining your marriage and your mental peace. A healthy relationship requires a sense of security and privacy, which has been compromised by her interference. While it’s natural to want to maintain respect within a family, your husband’s inability or unwillingness to enforce boundaries is enabling a dynamic where you feel powerless and overlooked. The fact that you’ve expressed your concerns and seen no action suggests that waiting for change may not lead anywhere. You need to clearly communicate to your husband that privacy is not negotiable for the survival of your relationship. If he continues to prioritize his mother’s comfort over your peace, it will remain a barrier to the intimacy and connection you’re seeking.

The decision to pursue a job in another city reflects your need to reclaim control over your life and mental well-being. This isn’t just about financial independence—it’s about rediscovering your sense of purpose and confidence after years of feeling stuck. Your husband’s opposition to the idea of a “weekend wife” underscores his resistance to change, but his reluctance to address the core issues in the relationship leaves you with no alternative. Staying in this environment without progress will only deepen your feelings of suffocation and self-doubt. Choosing to prioritize your career is not a failure of the relationship; it’s a necessary step to protect your own mental health. You’ve already demonstrated immense patience and effort over the past five years, and now it’s time to invest in yourself.

As a coach, I would encourage you to focus on actionable steps: seeking therapy for clarity, setting non-negotiable boundaries with your husband regarding privacy and mutual respect, and pursuing your professional goals with confidence. By stepping into a space where you feel empowered, you’ll be in a better position to assess whether this relationship can evolve into the partnership you deserve. It’s important to remember that you’re not walking away from the marriage by making these decisions—you’re simply ensuring that your needs and well-being are no longer sidelined.

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