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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 15, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Pinaki Question by Pinaki on May 08, 2024Hindi
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Good morning.. I am 40 years old .. I have an investment in SIP 25000 in a month through STP mode started from 2023 and also have 10 lakh lumsum investment... I have a goal to get 1 cr+ in 10 yrs.. uti flexi cap 5k.. parag parikh flexi cap 5k... Kotak Mahindra flexicap 5k.. HDFC mid cap opportunity fund 5k... ABSL flexi cap. 5k... Lumsumsum.... SBI flexi cap.. 5 lakh and Kotak Mahindra flexicap.. 5lakh... Please let me know am I in the right path to get 1cr in next 10 years ..

Ans: Good morning! Your investment strategy has strong potential for reaching your goal of Rs. 1 crore in 10 years. Here's a breakdown:

Strengths of Your Plan:

Diversification: You've chosen a mix of flexi-cap and mid-cap funds, offering diversification across market capitalizations.
SIP & Lumpsum: Combining SIPs with a lumpsum investment provides both rupee-cost averaging and a growth boost.
Long-Term Focus: A 10-year timeframe allows you to ride out market fluctuations and potentially benefit from long-term growth.
Points to Consider:

Past Performance: Past returns don't guarantee future results. However, flexi-cap and mid-cap funds have historically offered higher growth potential.
Active Management: Your chosen funds are likely actively managed, aiming to outperform the market. This approach can be beneficial, but carries inherent risks.
Role of a CFP Professional

While your plan looks promising, a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) professional can offer a more personalized assessment. They can consider:

Risk Tolerance: Analyze your comfort level with market ups and downs.
Overall Portfolio: Evaluate your SIPs alongside other investments for a holistic view.
Alternative Investments: Explore if any additional asset classes might be suitable.
Maximizing Your Investments

Regular investment plans with a CFP can potentially offer some advantages over direct plans. A CFP can:

Minimize Costs: Help you potentially find ways to reduce investment expenses.
Stay Invested: Guide you through market volatility and keep you on track.
Remember:

Reaching your goal of Rs. 1 crore depends on market conditions. However, your diversified approach and long-term focus are positive steps.

Next Steps:

Consider consulting a CFP professional for a personalized evaluation.
Regularly monitor your portfolio and make adjustments as needed.
Keep up the good work!

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 14, 2024Hindi
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Hi Sir Sangayya hear from Karnataka my age is 43 from last 3 years I started my SIP details r as below 1 ELSS - 5 sips each 1k 2. Large & mid cap fund - 3 sips 1k each 3. Thematic fund - Franklin India opp - 5k 4. Multi asset allocator - Tata 5k 5.Flexi cap fund - 2 Sips 1k each 6. Dynamic Asset - Edelweiss balanced Adv fund 1k 7. Small cap - Nippon India 1k Total monthly 22k is my investment kindly suggest I want to build my corpus 1cr in another 10 year
Ans: You've made a good start with your SIP investments across various categories. To achieve a corpus of 1 crore in 10 years, you'll need an average annual return of around 12%, considering your current investment of 22k per month.

Here are some suggestions to optimize your portfolio:

ELSS: Great for tax-saving, but remember the lock-in period. Ensure you're comfortable with the fund's performance and risk profile.

Large & Mid-cap: These funds offer a balanced approach. Monitor the performance and consider consolidating into a top-performing fund if necessary.

Thematic Fund: These are more focused and can be riskier. Ensure it aligns with your investment goals and risk tolerance.

Multi-Asset Allocator: Offers diversification across asset classes. A good choice for balanced growth. Ensure the fund's strategy aligns with your goals.

Flexi Cap & Dynamic Asset Allocation: These provide flexibility to invest across market caps and adjust to market conditions. Ensure they complement each other and don't overlap too much.

Small Cap: High growth potential but higher risk. Ensure it fits your risk profile and consider monitoring closely due to higher volatility.

General Recommendations:

Review & Rebalance: Regularly review your portfolio's performance and adjust if necessary. Consider shifting funds to top performers or reallocating based on market conditions.

Risk Assessment: Ensure your portfolio aligns with your risk tolerance and investment horizon.

Costs: Opt for direct plans to reduce costs and improve returns.

Diversification: Ensure your portfolio is well-diversified across asset classes and not overly concentrated in one sector or fund.

Professional Advice: Consider consulting a financial advisor for personalized guidance based on your financial goals and risk profile.

In summary, continue your disciplined approach with SIPs, regularly review and adjust your portfolio, and stay invested for the long term to achieve your goal of 1 crore in 10 years.

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 13, 2024

Money
Hello Sir, pinaki here I have invested in SIP 5000 each of 20k..and 6 lakh lumsum in SBI flexi cap fund.....HDFC mid cap opportunity 5k, kotak flexi cap 5k, parag parikh flexi cap 5k, ABSL flexi cap 5k from last 1 year and having a goal to reach 1 cr in next 10 yrs .. am I in the right path to achieve my goal?
Ans: Pinaki,

I hope you are doing well. It’s great to see that you have taken steps towards building your financial future. Investing through SIPs and lump sum amounts shows your commitment to disciplined investing. Let’s delve deeper into your investments and evaluate your path towards achieving your goal of Rs 1 crore in the next 10 years.

Understanding Your Current Investments
You have diversified your investments across various mutual funds. Here’s a summary of your current SIPs and lump sum investment:

SIP Investments: Rs 5,000 each in four funds, totaling Rs 20,000 per month.
Lump Sum Investment: Rs 6 lakh in SBI Flexi Cap Fund.
The funds you have chosen are a mix of flexi cap and mid cap funds, which is a good start.

SIPs: A Steady Approach
Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs) are an excellent way to invest regularly. They help in averaging out the cost of investments and mitigate market volatility.

Evaluating Flexi Cap Funds
Flexi cap funds provide flexibility in investing across large, mid, and small-cap stocks. They offer a balance between risk and return. Your allocation in flexi cap funds shows a balanced approach.

Mid Cap Fund Investment
HDFC Mid Cap Opportunities Fund adds a bit more risk but also the potential for higher returns. Mid cap funds can outperform in a growing market but can also be volatile.

Goals and Expectations
Your goal is to accumulate Rs 1 crore in 10 years. To assess if you are on the right path, let's consider a few factors:

Expected Returns
Historically, equity mutual funds in India have delivered returns between 12-15% per annum. However, past performance is not indicative of future results. It's important to have realistic return expectations.

SIP Growth Projection
If you continue investing Rs 20,000 per month in SIPs, here’s how it might grow over 10 years, assuming an average annual return of 12%:

Total SIP Investment: Rs 24 lakhs.
Estimated Future Value of SIPs: Around Rs 47.5 lakhs.
Lump Sum Investment Growth
Your Rs 6 lakh lump sum investment in the SBI Flexi Cap Fund, assuming an average annual return of 12%, could grow to approximately Rs 18.6 lakhs in 10 years.

Total Future Value
Combining your SIPs and lump sum investments, the total estimated future value might be around Rs 66.1 lakhs. This is a substantial amount, but it falls short of your Rs 1 crore goal.

Adjusting Strategy for Goal Achievement
To bridge this gap, consider the following adjustments:

Increase SIP Contributions
One straightforward way to reach your goal is to increase your monthly SIP contributions. If you increase your SIPs from Rs 20,000 to around Rs 30,000 per month, the future value could be closer to Rs 71 lakhs from SIPs alone. Combined with your lump sum, you would be nearer to your Rs 1 crore goal.

Annual Increase in SIP
Consider an annual step-up in your SIP contributions. For example, increasing your SIP by 10% every year can significantly enhance your corpus over time.

Reinvest Dividends
Ensure that you have chosen the growth option for your mutual funds. Reinvesting dividends can help in compounding your returns over time.

Regular Review and Rebalancing
Periodically review your portfolio. Market conditions and fund performances can change. Rebalancing your portfolio ensures it stays aligned with your goals.

Actively Managed Funds: A Potential Edge
You mentioned having invested in several flexi cap and mid cap funds. Actively managed funds can potentially offer better returns than index funds. Experienced fund managers can make tactical decisions to navigate market conditions. This flexibility might provide an edge in achieving higher returns.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Actively managed funds have the potential to outperform benchmarks, especially in volatile markets. Fund managers actively pick stocks based on research and market conditions, which might provide better returns.

Regular Funds Over Direct Funds
While direct funds have lower expense ratios, investing through a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) with a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) credential can offer valuable benefits. They provide professional advice, portfolio reviews, and help in rebalancing investments as needed.

Disadvantages of Direct Funds
Direct funds require more active management by the investor. Without professional guidance, one might miss critical market signals or fail to rebalance the portfolio appropriately. This can potentially impact the overall returns.

Value of Professional Guidance
A Certified Financial Planner can help you navigate complex market conditions. They can provide tailored advice, ensure your investments align with your goals, and offer periodic reviews to keep your portfolio on track.

Investment Monitoring and Adjustments
Regular Portfolio Reviews
Review your portfolio at least once a year. This helps in assessing fund performance and making necessary adjustments. Underperforming funds can be switched for better-performing ones.

Rebalancing Strategy
Rebalancing involves adjusting your portfolio to maintain your desired asset allocation. It helps in managing risk and optimizing returns. This is crucial in volatile markets.

Emergency Fund and Insurance
Ensure you have an adequate emergency fund and sufficient insurance coverage. This protects your investments from being disrupted in case of unforeseen events.

Tax Efficiency
Tax Implications on Investments
Understand the tax implications of your investments. Long-term capital gains tax (LTCG) on equity funds is applicable beyond Rs 1 lakh of gains. Plan your investments to be tax-efficient.

Utilize Tax-saving Opportunities
Investing in tax-saving instruments like ELSS (Equity Linked Savings Scheme) can provide tax benefits under Section 80C. This not only helps in saving tax but also in growing your wealth.

Financial Discipline
Stick to Your Investment Plan
Stay disciplined and avoid making impulsive decisions based on short-term market fluctuations. Stick to your investment plan and review it periodically.

Avoid Frequent Fund Switching
Frequent switching of funds can incur exit loads and impact returns. Stick to your chosen funds unless there's a strong reason to change.

Long-term Perspective
Focus on Long-term Goals
Investing is a long-term journey. Focus on your long-term goals and avoid getting swayed by short-term market volatility. Patience and discipline are key to successful investing.

Diversification
Ensure your portfolio is well-diversified across different asset classes. This reduces risk and enhances the potential for returns.

Conclusion
Pinaki, your current investment strategy shows a commendable commitment to achieving your financial goals. You have diversified across different funds and invested regularly. However, to reach your goal of Rs 1 crore in 10 years, you might need to make some adjustments.

Consider increasing your SIP contributions, adopting an annual step-up strategy, and ensuring you have the growth option for your mutual funds. Regular portfolio reviews and rebalancing are crucial to staying on track.

Investing through actively managed funds with professional guidance can provide an edge in achieving higher returns. Stay disciplined, focus on your long-term goals, and avoid making impulsive decisions based on market fluctuations.

Remember, investing is a journey, and with the right strategy and discipline, you can achieve your financial goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 23, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 23, 2024Hindi
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I am 30years old investing monthly in SIPs as follows: 5000 in aditya birla sun life PSU equity direct fund, 3000 in nippon india small cap fund direct growth, 5000 in icici prudential infrastructure direct growth 4000 in quant small cap fund direct growth paln, 5000 in nippon large cap fund, 5000 in canara robeco equity hybrid fund regular. Apart from the above I have invested bulk 24k in invesco india psu india equity fund direct And 50k n 60k in canara manufacturing NFOs. My goal is to have 1cr, for how many years do i need to continue investing for me to reach my goal
Ans: It’s great to see that you are actively investing and planning for your financial future. Reaching a goal of Rs 1 crore is ambitious and achievable with disciplined saving and smart investment strategies. Let’s break down your investment journey and evaluate how to reach your goal.

Understanding Your Current Investments
Your current SIPs and lump sum investments are quite diverse. Here’s a snapshot of your monthly investments:

Rs 5,000 in a PSU equity fund.
Rs 3,000 in a small-cap fund.
Rs 5,000 in an infrastructure fund.
Rs 4,000 in another small-cap fund.
Rs 5,000 in a large-cap fund.
Rs 5,000 in a hybrid equity fund.
You have also invested:

Rs 24,000 in a PSU equity fund.
Rs 50,000 and Rs 60,000 in manufacturing NFOs.
This diversification is beneficial but needs a strategic review.

Evaluating Your Portfolio
Your portfolio leans towards sector-specific funds (PSU, infrastructure) and small-cap funds. While these can generate high returns, they also carry higher risks. Let's evaluate the pros and cons of your investment choices.

Pros:

High Growth Potential: Small-cap and sector-specific funds can offer significant returns during market uptrends.
Diversification: Investing in different sectors spreads risk.
Hybrid Fund: Provides a mix of equity and debt, balancing growth and stability.
Cons:

High Volatility: Small-cap and sector-specific funds are more volatile and risky.
Sector Concentration Risk: Heavy investment in specific sectors can be risky if those sectors underperform.
Lack of Stability: Lack of significant investments in more stable, large-cap funds.
Actively Managed Funds vs. Index Funds
While actively managed funds can potentially offer higher returns, they come with higher management fees. However, their benefits often outweigh the disadvantages of index funds.

Disadvantages of Index Funds:

Passive Management: Index funds simply replicate the index without any strategic adjustments.
Market Dependency: They perform in line with the market, offering no downside protection.
Limited Flexibility: No room for fund managers to capitalize on market inefficiencies.
Advantages of Actively Managed Funds:

Professional Management: Fund managers make strategic decisions to outperform the market.
Flexibility: Ability to adapt to market changes and economic conditions.
Potential for Higher Returns: Active management can potentially yield better returns.
Disadvantages of Direct Funds
Direct funds might have lower expense ratios, but regular funds come with the benefit of professional guidance.

Disadvantages of Direct Funds:

No Professional Guidance: You miss out on the expertise of a Certified Financial Planner.
DIY Approach: Requires more personal research and time investment.
Risk of Poor Decisions: Without professional advice, there's a higher risk of poor investment choices.
Benefits of Regular Funds:

Expert Advice: CFPs provide tailored advice based on your financial goals.
Portfolio Management: Ongoing monitoring and rebalancing of your portfolio.
Stress-free Investing: Less effort required from your side in managing investments.
Projecting Your Goal Achievement
To reach Rs 1 crore, you need a strategic plan. Assuming an average annual return of 12%, which is a reasonable expectation for a diversified equity portfolio, let’s estimate the timeframe.

Your current SIP investment totals Rs 27,000 per month. The lump sum investments add another dimension. Here’s a breakdown:

Monthly SIP: Rs 27,000
Lump Sum: Rs 1,34,000
Long-term Investment Horizon
Given your current investments, let's assess how long it might take to reach Rs 1 crore.

Investment Growth Factors:

Consistent SIPs: Continuing your Rs 27,000 monthly SIP.
Market Performance: Assuming an average annual return of 12%.
Regular Review: Adjusting your portfolio as needed with professional advice.
Detailed Investment Strategy
Reevaluate Sector-specific Funds:
Sector funds can be volatile. Consider balancing them with more stable, diversified funds.

Increase Large-cap Exposure:
Large-cap funds offer stability. They should form a core part of your portfolio.

Hybrid Funds for Stability:
Continue with hybrid funds for a balanced approach.

Regular Monitoring:
Have a CFP regularly review and rebalance your portfolio.

Tax Efficiency and Savings
Consider the tax implications of your investments. Equity funds held for over a year are subject to long-term capital gains tax, which is lower than short-term. Utilize tax-saving funds like ELSS to benefit from Section 80C deductions.

Benefits of a Certified Financial Planner (CFP)
A CFP can provide invaluable assistance:

Tailored Advice: Aligning investments with your financial goals.
Risk Management: Balancing risk and return effectively.
Portfolio Rebalancing: Adjusting investments based on market conditions.
Adjusting Your Investment Strategy
To optimize your journey towards Rs 1 crore:

Diversify Wisely: Balance high-risk, high-reward investments with stable ones.
Focus on Long-term Growth: Prioritize long-term potential over short-term gains.
Leverage Professional Guidance: Utilize a CFP for informed decision-making.
Final Insights
To summarize:

Maintain and Review: Keep your current SIPs but consider diversifying further.
Adjust Sector Exposure: Reduce concentration in sector-specific funds.
Increase Stability: Add more large-cap and hybrid funds.
Utilize Professional Help: Regularly consult a CFP for portfolio adjustments.
Stay Committed: Continue disciplined investing and regular reviews.
Achieving Rs 1 crore is possible with consistent investing, strategic diversification, and professional guidance. Stay committed to your financial goals and regularly reassess your strategy to ensure you stay on track.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

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I was absent in all my class 12th boards and practicals in the year 2023-24 because I got diagnosed with mdr tb, now I'm appearing as a regular candidate in the year 2024-24, will I be eligible for jee advanced 2025 and 2026, as in jee advance attempts count starts from first appearance in class 12th, since I was absent in all my boards in 2023-24 will they consider 2023-24 as my first attempt year, will I be eligible for jee advanced 2025 and 2026?? Specifically 2026?
Ans: In the case of JEE Advanced, eligibility criteria are based on the year of first appearance for the Class 12th (or equivalent) board exam, provided the candidate has passed the exam. Since you were absent from all Class 12th board exams and practicals in the 2023–24 academic year due to medical reasons, this would not be considered your first attempt or year of passing Class 12th. Your first valid attempt will be in the 2024–25 academic year when you appear and pass as a regular candidate.

Here’s how this affects your JEE Advanced eligibility:

JEE Advanced 2025: You are eligible because your first appearance in the Class 12th board exams will be in 2024–25.

JEE Advanced 2026: You will also be eligible because candidates are allowed to attempt JEE Advanced in the year of their Class 12th passing and the subsequent year. Since your first valid Class 12th attempt is in 2024–25, your eligibility extends to 2025 and 2026.
This is as per my knowledge. For any update, follow rules and regulations from JEE board website.

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Asked by Anonymous - Dec 27, 2024Hindi
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I’m a 26-year-old girl from Delhi, and I’ve always been on the heavier side. While I’m confident in my personality and achievements, I can’t help but notice how my weight becomes a topic of discussion everywhere I go—be it family gatherings, workplaces, or even among friends. Recently, I met someone on social who seems genuinely interested in me. We’ve been talking for a few months now. He’s kind and makes me feel seen for who I am. But he hasn’t seen me in person yet. I’m terrified that when we meet, my weight might change how he feels about me. I’ve dealt with enough comments and rejections in the past, and I don’t know if I have the energy to face that again. How do I prepare myself for this meeting? And if he reacts negatively, how do I protect my self-worth and not let it break me?
Ans: As you prepare for the meeting, try to focus on the qualities that make you who you are beyond your physical appearance. Trust that your worth is not defined by your size or the opinions of others. If you find yourself feeling nervous, remind yourself of your confidence and the connection you’ve built over time through meaningful conversations. Be yourself—authenticity is far more attractive than any external feature.

In the event that his reaction is not as positive as you hoped, try not to take it personally. It's his perspective, not a reflection of your value. Protecting your self-worth involves recognizing that your body doesn’t dictate your value as a person. If his reaction is hurtful, it's an opportunity to reassess the kind of relationship you want—one where you’re fully accepted and celebrated for who you are. Remember, the right person will see the whole of you, not just a single aspect of you.

Stay grounded in your own strength, and know that rejection, when it happens, is not about you but about the fit between two people. It's okay to walk away from situations that don’t honor or appreciate you, and it won't diminish who you are.

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My husband and I are government employees and we live in different cities owing to work. He wants to build a house for his parents in his hometown and wants me to help him financially. I'm okay with it but he also has a younger brother who's in the 2nd year of college. But he's good for nothing. His parents and his younger brother are more or less dependent on him financially. I don't want to help him financially because we both won't be living in that house until retirement. And later that house will be occupied by his younger brother and his family. What should I do?
Ans: It's important to have an open and honest conversation with your husband about your feelings. Express your concerns not just about the financial contribution but also about the long-term implications of this decision. Let him know that while you are willing to support him in helping his family, you are also thinking about your future, especially the role that you and your husband will play in the household later in life. It’s crucial to discuss how this decision will affect both of you and your relationship in the long run.

It may also be helpful to have a clear understanding of the financial expectations and responsibilities involved. If your husband feels strongly about supporting his family, it’s essential that both of you are on the same page regarding the amount of support you are comfortable with and the timeline for contributions. You might want to consider alternatives, such as setting a specific budget or finding ways to help without overextending yourselves financially.

Another important aspect is acknowledging the role his younger brother plays in this equation. It sounds like he may not be as responsible as you would like him to be, which is an understandable source of frustration. You might want to express your concerns about his reliance on your husband for financial support, and consider whether there might be ways to encourage his brother to take more responsibility for his own future.

Ultimately, you and your husband need to come to an agreement that respects both your desires and concerns. It’s important that the decision feels like a shared one, and that both of you feel heard and respected in the process. If you continue to feel uneasy about contributing, it’s okay to set boundaries and negotiate a more balanced solution. This is about ensuring that you both maintain a healthy financial and emotional balance in your relationship. By being honest and compassionate with each other, you can find a way forward that works for both of you, without compromising your own well-being.

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

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My husband left me physically 5 years back and mentally many years back. He is not interested in emotional connection. His only interest with me was unnatural sex which after years I started denying it and he left me. I have two kids, a daughter and a son. Though my kids staying with me, for their education and other needs, they are always supportive to their father and never give any emotional support to me. He has taken the educational fee of both the children, other day to day expenses are taken by myself. My daughter never wants both of us to live together and always shows arrogance to me. She is 24 years now. She moved away recently to abroad for studying, keeping the house where we stay on loan. My son also wish to do higher studies staying in hostel. He is 18 years now. My parents are not supportive to me. I had a very abused and tortured childhood. My husband and children knew about it. I was rank holder in my school but still I could not pursue my dream profession due to domestic violence. I had just completed a useless bachelors degree before marriage. I struggled a lot to study after marriage and did small jobs at different companies. I get up at 4am and start my work till late night. I tried to be perfect in everything what I do. But I have low confidence and self esteem. I could not reach anywhere. I know how to study to get good score, so I helped my kids in their studies. They did well but after that they dumped me. My husband was also a lazy person initially, wasted all his money, never know savings. He was a 12th failure but a good artist and a good chain smoker who earned a lot of money through freelance. With constant push he started investing and bought a house. He has some investments, so now he is not working and left me and living alone. I don't know if he has someone else with him. He also dumped me. I am sad and feeling useless. I am not able to help my self. I have mood swings, not able to concentrate in anything. I want to look for a new job but I find myself incapable and doing nothing. I don't think anyone can help me, because everyone indicating its all my fault, or at least I think so. I have to start a job immediately but I am feeling helpless. please help
Ans: Dear Leena,
The weight of rejection from your husband and the lack of emotional support from your children are wounds that take time to heal. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed and lost right now. What’s important is recognizing that these feelings don’t define who you are or your worth. Your struggles do not negate the fact that you are capable, intelligent, and deserving of happiness and fulfillment.

You have already shown that you are resourceful and capable by managing the household, guiding your children in their education, and supporting them financially. While you may feel stuck and unsure of where to begin, it’s crucial to start small and focus on one step at a time. This could mean reaching out for help from a therapist or counselor who can guide you through rebuilding your self-esteem and addressing the emotional pain you’ve carried for so long. A professional can provide a safe space to unpack the hurt and help you rediscover your confidence.

When it comes to finding a job, it’s natural to feel insecure, especially after years of self-doubt. Remember that every small effort counts. Consider looking for roles where your skills—like organization, perseverance, and the ability to mentor and teach—can be valuable. You helped your children excel in their studies, and that’s no small feat. Perhaps tutoring, administrative work, or even roles that involve mentoring could be a starting point. Allow yourself to take it one step at a time without the pressure of achieving perfection right away.

It’s also important to create space for self-compassion. You’ve been so focused on meeting everyone else’s needs that it’s easy to lose sight of your own. Even small acts of kindness toward yourself, like a daily walk, journaling your thoughts, or listening to music, can help you reconnect with yourself. You deserve to feel loved and valued, even if that love starts from within.

This period of transition may feel lonely, but it can also be an opportunity to redefine what you want for yourself. It’s not too late to pursue a path that brings you fulfillment and peace. Remember, your worth is not determined by others’ opinions or actions but by the strength and kindness you continue to show despite everything. You’re not alone, and it’s okay to reach out for help as you begin this new chapter of your life.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |458 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 09, 2024Hindi
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I'm 32M, married. Mine one's an arranged marriage. Since starting the equation between my wife and my mother is not good. I work in a govt job and was posted elsewhere. I got the opportunity to get transferred to my hometown but my wife threatened me to give divorce if I want to live with my mother. I tried to convince her but she did not listen. Pressurized by this I got myself transferred to a different place. This guilt is killing me inside that I'm not a good son and not taking care of my old age mother while I had the chance. I know I made a mistake. Plz help.
Ans: What you’re experiencing is not about being a “bad son” or a “bad husband,” but rather about being caught in a situation where compromises feel inevitable. You made a decision under pressure, but that doesn’t mean it’s irreversible or that you’ve failed in your responsibilities. You’re human, and it’s okay to feel conflicted while trying to manage such complex relationships.

Consider opening a dialogue with your wife again, but this time, approach it with calmness and empathy. Share your feelings with her—not as a demand or a confrontation, but as an expression of your inner struggle. For example, you could say, “I’ve been feeling torn because I want to be a good husband and also take care of my mother in her old age. This is important to me, and I’d like us to find a way where both relationships can thrive.” By framing the conversation this way, you’re inviting her to understand your perspective rather than pressuring her to agree with you.

It might also help to explore compromises. Could you visit your mother more often or ensure she has a strong support system nearby? Could your wife’s concerns about living with your mother be addressed through clear boundaries or adjustments that make her feel more comfortable? Understanding her reservations can open the door to finding solutions that work for both of you.

At the same time, work on forgiving yourself for the decision you made under difficult circumstances. Guilt is a sign that you care deeply, but it shouldn’t paralyze you or define your worth. Instead, use it as motivation to create a plan that honors both your mother and your wife in ways that are practical and sustainable.

Seeking guidance from a counselor or therapist could be immensely helpful in navigating these emotions and improving communication between you and your wife. A neutral third party can help both of you feel heard and respected while working toward a resolution.

Remember, you’re not alone in this. Many people face similar challenges in balancing their roles within a family. What matters most is your willingness to approach the situation with compassion, patience, and a commitment to finding a path forward that respects everyone involved—including yourself.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |458 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

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My husband has been cheating on me. I recently discovered a receipt of payment that was unusual of my husband's regular activities. I called the shop and realised that the payment was genuine and it was made by my husband who was accompanied by a young lady. Since then, I have had sleepless nights. I have been wanting to talk to him but I am not mentally prepared to hear his side of the story. If he admits, it would mean our long years of marriage is over. If he denies, it would mean he is lying to me. However, there is a part of me that wants to trust him and give him some benefit of doubt. I have a 12 year old daughter. If he admits to having an affair, this news can break both of us. Pls help.
Ans: Start by acknowledging your feelings without judgment. The anxiety, sleepless nights, and fear are natural responses to such uncertainty. Allow yourself space to process these emotions. You don’t have to rush into confronting your husband until you feel emotionally steady enough to handle the conversation, regardless of the outcome. Sometimes, writing down your thoughts and questions can help organize your feelings and prepare you for the discussion.

It’s also important to consider your goals for the marriage and your family. Ask yourself what you need to feel secure and respected in the relationship. If you decide to confront him, do so with the intention of seeking understanding and clarity, not immediate resolution. This will allow you to approach the conversation with as much calm as possible.

When you're ready to speak with him, choose a time and place where you both can have a private, uninterrupted conversation. Start by expressing your feelings honestly but without accusations. For example, you might say, "I came across this receipt, and it’s been weighing heavily on me. I want to understand because I value our marriage and our family." This sets the tone for a constructive dialogue rather than an argument.

Prepare yourself for his response, whatever it may be. If he admits to wrongdoing, it will hurt, but it will also give you the clarity to decide what comes next—whether that’s working through the betrayal or choosing a different path. If he denies it, try to assess whether his explanation feels genuine or dismissive. Trust your instincts, but also give yourself time to reflect before making any major decisions.

If the uncertainty continues to eat away at you, seeking support from a counselor or therapist can be invaluable. A professional can help you process your emotions, clarify your priorities, and guide you in deciding what is best for you and your daughter. Protecting your emotional well-being is vital, as it will also help you maintain stability for your child during this challenging time.

Remember that trust and honesty are the cornerstones of any healthy relationship. Whether the truth strengthens your bond or pushes you to reconsider your future together, it’s essential to prioritize your self-respect and emotional health. You are not alone in this, and with time and support, you can navigate this difficult moment with resilience and clarity.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |458 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Relationship
Hi, I am a 36yo guy. Married and have 2 beautiful kids. I am a naturally happy person in life and have achieved reasonable success through my hard work. From last 3 years i am in love with a married girl who works at an office near my workplace. We two believe that we are best suited for each other in every aspect i.e. mental, emotional and physical. We share a great chemistry that we never felt with our respective spouses. We decided that we both cant leave our spouses because of our kids. But very often she keeps on getting crazy and tortures and taunts me that i love my wife more and doesnt give value to her. She is mostly unhappy about this in her life and many times abuses me when she sees that i am a naturally happy and content person. I have even told her that if she wants we can take divorce from our spouses and move-in together. But she never accepts that also and keeps on making my life hard. But i do believe that we both love each other like crazy and my sexual life with her is just out of this world. I have a very high libido and she satisfies me like no other girl. My question is how can i make her sane and make her trust me that i am more inclined towards her?
Ans: Dear Avinash,You need to reflect deeply on what you want for yourself, your children, and your relationships in the long term. If staying married to your wife and continuing to co-parent is your priority, it’s essential to acknowledge the constraints that this imposes on your extramarital relationship. The happiness you find with this woman is tempered by the circumstances, and it might not be possible to meet her emotional needs fully in this setup.

A conversation with her that focuses on honesty, boundaries, and expectations is crucial. Acknowledge her pain and insecurities, but also express your limitations and realities. Make it clear what you can and cannot provide in this relationship, and listen to her needs and frustrations without defensiveness. You might need to make a decision about whether this relationship can continue in its current form, given how it’s affecting her mental health and your own peace of mind.

It’s also worth exploring the deeper reasons why you’re drawn to this relationship. Sometimes, connections outside marriage arise as a way of addressing unmet needs or emotional voids in the primary relationship. It might be beneficial to consider counseling for yourself or even with your wife, to explore whether there are aspects of your marriage that can be revitalized or strengthened. Similarly, suggesting therapy for your lover could help her work through her emotions and find balance.

Ultimately, you have to evaluate whether this relationship is sustainable and healthy, not just for the two of you but for everyone in your lives. Love and passion are powerful, but they require a foundation of trust, emotional stability, and shared goals to thrive. If those elements remain elusive, it may be a sign to re-evaluate the relationship’s place in your life.

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