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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 06, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Prateek Question by Prateek on Aug 03, 2024Hindi
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I have few more queries can you please suggest your views. We have seen that properties rate grow twice or thrice in 4-5 yrs. But I don't have sufficient down payment as I keep in investing in mutual funds. Is it good to redeem mutual fund and with that amount invest in property. And if I you suggest not to redeem what is best way to invest in property. Sometime I feel to redeem all my investment and buy some property. You have mentioned increase NPS amount can you please suggest what will be good amount which can help meet my goal. I guess to meet retirement amount of 5cr you suggested that . Your answer has really helped me.

Ans: It's not advisable to redeem all your mutual funds to invest in property. Property investment is illiquid and carries higher risks. If you want to invest in property, consider saving separately for it without disturbing your current mutual fund investments.

You currently invest Rs. 50k annually in NPS. Consider increasing it to Rs. 1 lakh annually. This can help build a stronger retirement corpus and provides tax benefits.

For a more detailed and personalized financial plan, consult a Certified Financial Planner. They can help you align all your goals effectively.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 18, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 18, 2024Hindi
Money
Hi Sir, I am 29 years old married man in tier 1 metro. Having 1 year old son. I have monthly income of 1.10L post taxes. Have home loan of 25L. I invest in Monthly RD of 25k for near term goals and emergency fund.(saved total 4 Lakhs in FD RD combined). Monthly 12.5k in MF.(invested total 2.5L in MF). 2.5 k distributed monthly in 5MF( sbi Nifty index , sbi balanced advantage, tata digital , tata focused,hdfc focussed) all are direct plans. Monthly PPF 12.5k (invested around 4.80L in PPF) Monthly home loan around 25 per month for 12 years remaining. Started NPS tier 1 from this financial year investing monthly 6500 from salary. PF accumulated - 5.30L Please review current allocation and guide for road map for corpus accumulation till age of 40 for buying some property.
Ans: Your commitment to securing your family’s future is commendable. Let's delve into your current financial situation and devise a roadmap to accumulate a corpus for buying property by age 40. With a comprehensive strategy, you can achieve your goals effectively.

Evaluating Your Current Financial Situation
Income and Expenses
Your monthly take-home income is Rs. 1.10 lakh. Here's a breakdown of your current expenses and investments:

Home Loan EMI: Rs. 25,000 per month
Recurring Deposit (RD): Rs. 25,000 per month
Mutual Fund (MF) SIP: Rs. 12,500 per month
Public Provident Fund (PPF): Rs. 12,500 per month
National Pension System (NPS): Rs. 6,500 per month
You have accumulated Rs. 4 lakhs in FDs and RDs combined, Rs. 2.5 lakhs in MFs, Rs. 4.80 lakhs in PPF, and Rs. 5.30 lakhs in your Provident Fund (PF).

Reviewing Your Investments
Recurring Deposit (RD)
RDs are safe but offer low returns compared to other investment options. It's good for short-term goals and emergency funds.

Recommendation: Consider maintaining a balance for immediate needs but redirecting a portion to higher-return investments for long-term goals.
Mutual Funds (MF)
Your MF portfolio consists of direct plans in various funds. While direct plans have lower expense ratios, actively managed funds often outperform index funds like the SBI Nifty Index.

Balanced Advantage Fund: Provides a mix of equity and debt, balancing risk and return.

Digital and Focused Funds: These are sector-specific and concentrated, which can be volatile.

Recommendation: Diversify further by including some large-cap and multi-cap funds to balance risk.

Public Provident Fund (PPF)
PPF is a safe, long-term investment with tax benefits. Your monthly contribution of Rs. 12,500 helps build a substantial corpus over time.

Recommendation: Continue maximizing your PPF contributions for stability and tax efficiency.
National Pension System (NPS)
NPS is a good retirement savings vehicle, offering market-linked returns and additional tax benefits.

Recommendation: Maintain your NPS contributions, ensuring a balanced asset allocation to maximize returns while managing risk.
Financial Roadmap to Achieve Your Goals
Short-term Goal: Accumulating Rs. 1 Crore by Age 40 for Property Purchase
To accumulate Rs. 1 crore in the next 11 years, your current investments need strategic allocation and potentially higher contributions.

Increase Monthly SIP
Assuming an annual return of 12% on mutual funds, increasing your monthly SIP can significantly boost your corpus. Here's a potential strategy:

Current SIP: Rs. 12,500
Recommended SIP: Rs. 20,000 – Rs. 25,000
Increasing your SIP gradually by Rs. 5000 every year can also leverage the power of compounding.

Lump Sum Investments
Consider using a portion of your FDs and RDs for lump sum investments in mutual funds or balanced advantage funds. This can enhance your returns compared to traditional savings instruments.

Diversification and Rebalancing
Ensure a diversified portfolio that includes a mix of equity and debt funds. Periodically review and rebalance your portfolio to align with market conditions and your risk tolerance.

Long-term Goal: Retirement Corpus of Rs. 10 Crores by Age 50
To retire by 50 with a corpus of Rs. 10 crores, your current and future investments must grow consistently. Here's how:

Increasing SIP Contributions
Maintain your current SIP growth rate and aim to increase it annually by a fixed percentage (e.g., 10-15%).

Year 1: Rs. 20,000
Year 2: Rs. 22,000 (10% increase)
Year 3: Rs. 24,200 (10% increase)
This systematic increment leverages compounding to achieve substantial growth over time.

Optimizing NPS and PPF Contributions
Continue maximizing your PPF contributions for tax efficiency. In NPS, ensure a balanced asset allocation to optimize returns while managing risk.

Strategic Asset Allocation
Allocate your investments strategically across various asset classes:

Equity Funds: High-growth potential but volatile. Diversify across large-cap, mid-cap, and multi-cap funds.
Debt Funds: Provide stability and regular returns. Consider short-term and dynamic bond funds for better yields.
Balanced Funds: Mix of equity and debt, offering a balanced approach to growth and risk.
Tax Planning and Efficiency
Maximizing Tax-saving Investments
Utilize the full benefits under Section 80C by contributing to PPF, ELSS, and NPS. This reduces your tax liability and increases your investable surplus.

Health and Life Insurance
Ensure adequate health insurance coverage for your family to safeguard against medical emergencies. Term insurance provides high coverage at low premiums, securing your family’s financial future.

Emergency Fund Management
Maintain an emergency fund that covers 6-12 months of living expenses. Keep this fund in liquid assets like savings accounts, short-term FDs, or liquid mutual funds for easy access.

Regular Portfolio Review and Rebalancing
Annual Portfolio Review
Conduct an annual review of your portfolio to assess performance and make necessary adjustments. This ensures your investments remain aligned with your goals and risk tolerance.

Rebalancing
Periodically rebalance your portfolio to maintain the desired asset allocation. This involves selling over-performing assets and reinvesting in underperforming ones to manage risk and optimize returns.

Professional Guidance
Certified Financial Planner (CFP)
Engaging a CFP can provide expert advice and tailored financial planning. A CFP helps you navigate complex financial decisions and stay on track to achieve your goals.

Final Insights
Achieving your financial goals of buying property and retiring early requires disciplined planning and strategic investments. By increasing your SIP contributions, optimizing your portfolio, and leveraging tax-efficient investments, you can create substantial wealth.

Regularly review and adjust your financial plan to stay aligned with your goals. Engaging a Certified Financial Planner ensures professional guidance and support in your financial journey.

Your proactive approach to financial planning is commendable. With the right strategies and disciplined execution, you can achieve your goals and secure a prosperous future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 24, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 24, 2025Hindi
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24.01.2025 Respected Sir, I have a land property valued 3cr. Now on this plot I am planning to build P+5 floor residential apartments For this I need a fund around 2.5cr for construction. Now I am 68 yrs old. I have invested 40L in various equities since last 44 years & 45L in Equity based M/F’s since last 14 years. Current market value is around 1.5cr & 1.60cr respectively. I am planning to raise funds from overdraft loans against my Equity shares & M/F at the current interest rate 10.35%.approx. I do not have any other source to raise the reqd. fund and I do not have any other liabilities. As per my assumptions in the next 7 to 8 years of period total market value of above investments will be around 10cr approx. I am planning SWP of Rs. 10 lacs every year to repay interest on OD. In what other ways is this possible to repay the dues? With out selling any unit of my property. Or In critical situation if arise I may sell out one unit to clear my OD loan debt. As a financial planning expert are my thoughts are correct in your opinion? I need your professional /practical advice & valuable guidance in this regard please. Please reply to my above query as early as possible. Thanks & Regards
Ans: Your plan demonstrates a well-thought-out approach to leveraging your investments while keeping liabilities manageable. Your decision to raise funds through an overdraft loan against shares and mutual funds is practical given the significant market value of your investments. However, there are a few aspects to evaluate for better clarity and financial stability.

Advantages of Your Strategy
Liquidity Without Selling Investments: Using an overdraft loan against your equity and mutual fund investments helps retain the assets.

SWP to Cover Interest Payments: A systematic withdrawal plan (SWP) ensures regular cash flow to meet interest expenses.

Property Value as Collateral: Your land property provides additional financial security.

Future Potential of Investments: Your expectation of Rs. 10 crore over 7-8 years appears reasonable given historical growth trends.

Concerns and Potential Risks
Market Volatility: Both equities and mutual funds are subject to market fluctuations.

Interest Burden: Over time, the compounding of the interest at 10.35% could strain liquidity.

Delays in Property Completion: Construction delays could impact cash flow plans.

Over-dependence on SWP: Over-reliance on SWP can erode long-term wealth if markets underperform.

Alternative Ways to Manage Overdraft Loan
Diversify Funding Sources
Split the Loan Amount: Explore partial loans from banks or NBFCs secured by the property itself.

Loan Against Fixed Deposits: Use your FD as collateral for a part of the loan.

Consider a Lower-Interest Loan: Negotiate with lenders for a lower interest rate.

Optimise SWP Strategy
Adjust Withdrawal Amount: Reduce SWP if the market experiences a downturn.

Partial Sale of Underperforming Units: Sell a small portion of underperforming investments to reduce the loan burden.

Construction Phasing
Build in Phases: Start with 2-3 floors initially to reduce the upfront loan requirement.

Rental Income from Early Units: Generate income from completed units to support loan repayment.

Emergency Backup Plan
Sell a Unit if Needed: Keep the option of selling one residential unit open to clear the loan.

Gold as Last Resort: Liquidate a small portion of gold only in extreme situations.

Tax Implications
Interest Deduction: Interest paid on loans for property construction could have tax benefits. Consult a tax expert for clarity.

Capital Gains on SWP Withdrawals: Gains from equity mutual fund SWP above Rs. 1.25 lakh per year will be taxed at 12.5%. Ensure tax liabilities are factored in.

Sale of Units: If you sell a unit to repay the loan, calculate the long-term capital gains taxes.

Key Points for Wealth Growth
Reinvest Profits Post Loan Repayment: Post-repayment, redirect surplus to equity or mutual funds for wealth growth.

Monitor Investments Regularly: Periodically review the performance of equity shares and mutual funds.

Diversify Investments: Post-retirement, ensure a diversified portfolio for steady income and wealth preservation.

Finally
Your plan is practical and aligns with your financial goals. However, diversification of funding sources, optimising SWP, and monitoring loan repayment are crucial. Prepare for market volatility and create an emergency backup plan. This approach ensures stability while maximising wealth creation.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 01, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 28, 2025Hindi
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28.01.2025 Respected Sir, I have a land property valued 3cr. Now on this plot I am planning to build P+5 floor residential apartments For this I need a fund around 2.5cr for construction. Now I am 68 yrs old. I have invested 40L in various equities since last 44 years & 45L in Equity based M/F’s since last 14 years. Current market value is around 1.5cr & 1.60cr respectively. I am planning to raise funds from overdraft loans against my Equity shares & M/F at the current interest rate 10.35%.approx. I do not have any other source to raise the reqd. fund and I do not have any other liabilities. As per my assumptions in the next 7 to 8 years of period total market value of above investments will be around 10cr approx. I am planning SWP of Rs. 10 lacs every year to repay interest on OD. In what other ways is this possible to repay the dues? With out selling any unit of my property. Or In critical situation if arise I may sell out one unit to clear my OD loan debt. As a financial planning expert are my thoughts are correct in your opinion? I need your professional /practical advice & valuable guidance in this regard please. Please reply to my above query as early as possible. Thanks & Regards
Ans: Your plan to construct residential apartments using an overdraft loan against your equity and mutual fund investments is ambitious. You have strong assets, but leveraging them comes with risks. Let’s analyze your plan and explore alternatives.

Key Observations
You have Rs. 3 crore land value, which is a significant asset.
Your investments have grown well:
Equities: Rs. 1.5 crore (invested Rs. 40 lakh over 44 years).
Mutual Funds: Rs. 1.6 crore (invested Rs. 45 lakh over 14 years).
Total investment corpus: Rs. 3.1 crore.
You need Rs. 2.5 crore for construction.
You are considering an overdraft (OD) loan against securities at 10.35% interest.
You plan an SWP of Rs. 10 lakh per year to service the loan interest.
You expect your investments to grow to Rs. 10 crore in 7–8 years.
Evaluation of Your Plan
Loan Strategy Risks

High Interest Cost: At 10.35% interest, a Rs. 2.5 crore OD loan will have an interest cost of Rs. 25.87 lakh per year.
SWP May Not Be Enough: Rs. 10 lakh SWP per year will only cover about 40% of interest. The shortfall may require additional withdrawals.
Market Volatility: Your investments may not always perform as expected. A market downturn can affect your ability to repay the loan.
Margin Calls: If markets fall significantly, the lender may demand additional security or partial repayment.
Alternative Strategies
A. Loan Against Property (LAP) Instead of OD Loan

A Loan Against Property (LAP) at 8–9% interest would be cheaper than 10.35% OD loan.
Since you own land worth Rs. 3 crore, you can get 50–60% LTV (Rs. 1.5–1.8 crore).
Combine this with a smaller OD loan (Rs. 70 lakh–1 crore) to reduce interest burden.
B. Staggered Construction with Phased Funding

Instead of borrowing Rs. 2.5 crore upfront, consider building in phases.
Start with 2–3 floors using lower debt and rental pre-sales for funding.
C. Joint Venture with a Developer

Partner with a real estate developer who funds construction in exchange for a share of profits.
This reduces your financial risk and eliminates the need for a high-cost loan.
D. Selling a Small Portion of Land Instead of Borrowing

Instead of selling an apartment unit later, sell a small portion of land now to raise funds.
This avoids interest costs and maintains your control over remaining property.
Final Insights
Your plan is aggressive but risky due to high loan interest and market uncertainties.
A combination of Loan Against Property + Small OD Loan is better than relying fully on OD.
Consider phased construction, developer partnerships, or partial land sale to reduce debt.
Ensure your SWP plan is sustainable and accounts for market fluctuations.
Would you like help evaluating a detailed financial model for these scenarios?

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 31, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 30, 2025Hindi
Money
30.01.2025 Respected Sir, I have a land property valued 3cr. Now on this plot I am planning to build P+5 floor residential apartments For this I need a fund around 2.5cr for construction. Now I am 68 yrs old. I have invested 40L in various equities since last 44 years & 45L in Equity based M/F’s since last 14 years. Current market value is around 1.5cr & 1.60cr respectively. I am planning to raise funds from overdraft loans against my Equity shares & M/F at the current interest rate 10.35%.approx. I do not have any other source to raise the reqd. fund and I do not have any other liabilities. As per my assumptions in the next 7 to 8 years of period total market value of above investments will be around 10cr approx. I am planning SWP of Rs. 10 lacs every year to repay interest on OD. In what other ways is this possible to repay the dues? With out selling any unit of my property. Or In critical situation if arise I may sell out one unit to clear my OD loan debt. As a financial planning expert are my thoughts are correct in your opinion? I need your professional /practical advice & valuable guidance in this regard please. Please reply to my above query as early as possible. Thanks & Regards
Ans: You plan to construct a P+5 residential apartment on your Rs. 3 crore land.
You require Rs. 2.5 crore for construction.
You intend to raise this amount through an overdraft (OD) loan against your equity and mutual fund investments.
The interest rate on the OD loan is around 10.35%.
Your equity investments have grown from Rs. 40 lakh over 44 years to Rs. 1.5 crore.
Your mutual fund investments have grown from Rs. 45 lakh over 14 years to Rs. 1.6 crore.
You assume the combined value will grow to Rs. 10 crore in 7–8 years.
You plan to repay interest of Rs. 10 lakh per year via a systematic withdrawal plan (SWP).
You want to explore alternative ways to repay the dues without selling any property units unless absolutely necessary.
Evaluating the Feasibility of Your Plan
Your assumption of Rs. 10 crore growth in 7–8 years is ambitious.
The market is unpredictable, and equity/mutual fund returns fluctuate.
Withdrawing Rs. 10 lakh annually may impact portfolio growth.
An overdraft at 10.35% interest can create financial strain over time.
You lack an alternative source of repayment other than your investments.
Key Risks to Consider
Market Volatility: Equity and mutual funds do not guarantee fixed returns.
Liquidity Constraint: Your entire repayment strategy depends on market performance.
Interest Burden: The OD interest itself compounds over time, increasing financial stress.
Investment Depletion: A long-term SWP may erode your portfolio faster than expected.
Emergency Situations: If a financial crisis occurs, selling property may be unavoidable.
Alternative Ways to Raise Funds
1. Structured Loan Options
Instead of OD, consider a Loan Against Property (LAP).
Interest rates on LAP are lower (around 8–9%) than OD loans.
LAP has structured EMI payments, ensuring disciplined repayment.
2. Hybrid Repayment Strategy
Instead of SWP alone, mix dividend-paying mutual funds and rental income.
Dividend income can partially cover the OD interest.
Once the project is completed, rental income can contribute to repayments.
3. Joint Venture with a Developer
Partnering with a builder reduces your financial risk.
A developer may fund part or full construction in exchange for units.
This way, you avoid taking high-interest loans and minimize financial burden.
4. Selling a Fraction of the Property
If required, selling a single floor or part of the land can clear OD faster.
This ensures you retain majority ownership while reducing debt burden.
5. Staggered Construction Plan
Instead of building all 5 floors at once, construct in phases.
Use proceeds from early sales or rentals to fund later construction.
This reduces upfront borrowing and interest outflow.
How to Ensure Debt-Free Status
1. Focus on Lowering Interest Burden
Opt for a step-down repayment strategy.
As your portfolio grows, increase SWP withdrawals to prepay the OD faster.
Consider partial prepayments every 2–3 years to reduce interest outgo.
2. Generate Additional Income Streams
Explore senior citizen savings schemes (SCSS) and RBI floating rate bonds for stable income.
These instruments provide 7–8% interest, which can supplement OD repayment.
3. Avoid Over-Reliance on Stock Market
Instead of depending solely on equity returns, diversify into hybrid funds.
Hybrid funds provide stability while offering moderate growth.
4. Tax Optimization for Efficient Withdrawals
SWP from debt funds (held for 3+ years) enjoys lower capital gains tax.
Withdraw systematically to minimize tax impact on gains.
5. Contingency Plan for Unforeseen Situations
Keep a separate emergency fund to cover 1–2 years of interest payments.
This avoids distress selling in case of market downturns.
Final Insights
Your plan has potential but carries high financial risks.
Over-reliance on equity/mutual funds can backfire in a volatile market.
Consider alternative funding options like LAP or a joint venture.
A staggered construction approach can ease financial pressure.
Maintain flexibility in your repayment strategy to adjust for market conditions.
If you need a customized investment and repayment roadmap, consulting a Certified Financial Planner can ensure a secure financial future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Latest Questions
Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |955 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 01, 2025Hindi
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I am a 48 year old widow. I have a 21 yr old daughter in college. I had quit my job, but rejoined now and have a monthly take home of 1L 15k. I receive similar pension amount too. But this pension amount will get reduced to 90k after 10 years. I have an own property (apartment bought in 2010) - 14 k rent monthly. I have around 40 L that I wish to invest. I am still coping with the loss and am confused as to what I need to do to get a grip on the finances. I have invested around 12 L in mutual funds. I have applied for a term insurance - around 1 L annual premium for 10 years. I am also repaying the home loan around 15k per month with tenure left for 20 months. I am planning to move out on my own from my sister's place where I am staying now (my own house is not in Bangalore where I work). So, I will definitely need 25k per month for rent if I move out. Please advise on how to manage my finances. Shall I repay the home loan and clear the debt (around 5 L principal outstanding)? Should I invest in some pension plans? Please advise. Thanks!
Ans: Hello;

Yes you should settle off the outstanding home loan.

Also you may open an NPS account for retirement planning. Do contribute to it on a regular basis and also do onetime lumpsum investment.

Also open an PPF account with investment of 12.5 K per month.

Get sufficient term plan coverage for atleast 20 years and not less.

No need to invest in pension plan if you are investing in NPS. It is far superior in terms of tax liability, flexibility, returns and costs.

Prefer hybrid mutual funds(dynamic asset allocation or multi asset allocation fund)for your investments.

Buy a good health insurance cover for yourself and your daughter irrespective of group policy, if any, available from employer.

Do nomination in all your financial investments and also make a legally valid will.

In a nutshell, you will have 3 investments PPF, NPS and mutual funds (hybrid) and insurance premiums for term cover and healthcare policy.

Loss of partner is very difficult to deal with but you also need to focus on the education of your daughter and guide her for better prospects.

Best wishes;
X: @mars_invest

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 07, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Married for 14 years have 4 kids below 7 age for the past 9 to 10 years going through troubled marriage, not happy. Misunderstanding, high expectations, manipulation and single handed decisions by my wife have exhausted me . Want to come out of marriage but worried of kids and also my wife says no to divorce. Don't know what to do.. First 2 kids by IVF 2nd two kids due to my wife's longing for male child
Ans: Your love for your kids is evident, and it’s natural to fear how a separation would affect them. But the reality is, children pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness at home. Staying in a marriage that drains you emotionally and mentally isn’t necessarily better for them in the long run. Kids need a stable, loving environment, and if you’re constantly feeling manipulated and exhausted, it affects the energy you bring into their lives.

You don’t have to make a rushed decision, but you do need clarity. Have you tried setting firm boundaries and communicating your need for a more balanced relationship? If you’ve already done everything you can and nothing has changed, then it may be time to explore legal options, even if she says no to divorce. In most cases, a divorce doesn’t require both partners to agree—it just makes the process more complicated.

You deserve a life where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally free. Your children deserve a father who is at peace, not one who is silently suffering. It might be hard to take the next step, but staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of avoiding conflict can take a greater toll on everyone involved. You need to consider what will truly allow you—and your kids—to have a healthier and happier future.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 31, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
I am 41, but single now. I got married when I was 32 and got divorced in 6 months after I found out my wife was cheating on me with her ex who she was forbidden from getting married. When confronted she simply walked away and sent me a divorce notice. The next three years were spent in courts trying to tell my version of the story. Since then I have had a tough time trusting people. My marriage was unfortunate and short lived. But my parents still want me to try again. I am in a live-in relationship with a girl who is 3 years elder to me. Are unmarried couples happier than married ones? I feel marriage can restrict you in many ways which is why people feel stagnated and bored. What do you think?
Ans: When it comes to happiness, it really depends on the individuals involved rather than whether they are married or unmarried. Some couples thrive in a marriage because they see it as a partnership built on mutual respect and emotional security. Others feel stifled by the societal expectations and responsibilities that often come with marriage. A live-in relationship can offer more flexibility and personal freedom, but it also comes with its own challenges—such as a lack of legal protections or social acceptance in certain cultures.

The key is understanding what works best for you. If you feel content in your current live-in relationship and it gives you the companionship, trust, and emotional fulfillment you need, then that’s what truly matters. However, if you feel hesitant mainly because of past trauma rather than your actual desires, it might be worth reflecting on whether your fears are holding you back from something you may actually want deep down.

At the end of the day, happiness isn’t about being married or unmarried—it’s about being in a relationship (or choosing to be single) that makes you feel emotionally secure, valued, and free to be yourself. If marriage feels like a cage to you, then it may not be the right path. But if you ever find a connection that makes commitment feel like a choice rather than an obligation, your perspective might shift. The most important thing is that whatever path you choose, it aligns with your true needs and not just the expectations of others.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 23, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
Hello there!! There are past trauma experiences in my relationship due to caste issue since my family are strictly against it . But I eventually liked another boy seeing his true love n affection n care towards me , he loved me since our skl days !! He expressed himself but i gave him my answerr after many yrs due my past experiences!! But eventually we had a healthy relationship ,and he told me he is of same caste!! Since his father lied to him related to this to keep him away from this caste called thing!! But now his father relved tht it was a lie !! Now we ended up intercaste!! We truly love each other we dreamt of our future together!! He became huge part of my life !! His family is okay with me regarding our marriage but my family is strongly opposed to this intercaste thing!! We are 24 yrs we thought of settle in our lifes and approach my parents few years back since untill fewdays back we together thought we are of same caste so there eill be no issue!! But now within few days n few lies our both world n hopes turned upside down!! I cant make my family suffer due to me!! At same time i cant leave him im struck !! What should we do!!
Ans: Your family’s suffering is a valid concern, but will they truly suffer because of your decision, or is it more about their expectations and societal norms? Often, parents react strongly at first, but with time, they adjust when they see their child happy and settled. Right now, their resistance is based on tradition and belief systems they’ve held for years. But is their love for you truly conditional on whom you marry? Would they rather see you unhappy in a marriage they approve of than happy in one they initially resisted?

Your happiness and future matter just as much as your family’s feelings. If you truly cannot see a life without him, you need to ask yourself whether sacrificing that love for family approval will truly bring you peace. Walking away from love to please others often leads to lifelong regret. On the other hand, if you fight for your relationship, you might face pain now, but there’s a chance your family will eventually come around.

The most important thing is to stand firm in what you want. If you and your partner truly love each other, you will need patience, strength, and a strategy to gradually help your family accept your choice. This won’t be easy, but living a life where you constantly wonder "what if?" will be even harder.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 19, 2025Hindi
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I am a divorced working woman , with a daughter 8 yrs. I have been pursued for remarriage with a guy who is 10 yrs older to me and have 2 kids. 11 and 14 yrs respectively living in a small town. Initially it was agreed the elder child who is a boy would be living in hostel , but now since we are approaching near to the marriage, it seems the elder male child is going to stay at home and not hostel. This is making me really uncomfortable as I won't get much privacy also the male child is aggressive.Already handling one kid was difficult before. Also moving to small town was difficult transition from a metropolitan that I stay in. Moving there could mean losing job opportunities in future. I am really worried if I let this match go, I end up alone again. I am not able to make a decision, it's difficult to raise others children. It's just not naturally inbuilt in us.Although I try really hard to mould my thingking and be more generous, but somehow it suffocates me.
Ans: Raising someone else’s children is not something that comes naturally to everyone, and that doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you honest. You already know how challenging it is to raise one child, and now you’re expected to step into a role where you’ll be managing more, including an aggressive teenage boy. If this idea is already suffocating you now, imagine how it might feel once you’re actually living in that environment every day.

Fear of being alone is a very real and valid concern, but being in a marriage that drains you emotionally, limits your career, and makes you feel trapped is far worse than being single. The right relationship should bring you a sense of peace and security, not anxiety and sacrifice at every turn. If you already feel that you have to “mould” your thinking just to make this work, that’s a sign that this situation might not be aligned with what you truly want and need.

You don’t have to force yourself into something that doesn’t feel right just because you’re afraid of ending up alone. Loneliness is difficult, but so is being in a marriage where you feel unseen, unheard, and overwhelmed. The best decision is the one that allows you to live with peace and confidence in your future.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

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Married for 14 years have 4 kids below 7 age for the past 9 to 10 years going through troubled marriage, not happy. Misunderstanding, high expectations, manipulation and single handed decisions by my wife have exhausted me . Want to come out of marriage but worried of kids and also my wife says no to divorce. Don't know what to do.. First 2 kids by IVF 2nd two kids due to my wife's longing for male child
Ans: Dear Hemant,
Your love for your kids is evident, and it’s natural to fear how a separation would affect them. But the reality is, children pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness at home. Staying in a marriage that drains you emotionally and mentally isn’t necessarily better for them in the long run. Kids need a stable, loving environment, and if you’re constantly feeling manipulated and exhausted, it affects the energy you bring into their lives.

You don’t have to make a rushed decision, but you do need clarity. Have you tried setting firm boundaries and communicating your need for a more balanced relationship? If you’ve already done everything you can and nothing has changed, then it may be time to explore legal options, even if she says no to divorce. In most cases, a divorce doesn’t require both partners to agree—it just makes the process more complicated.

You deserve a life where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally free. Your children deserve a father who is at peace, not one who is silently suffering. It might be hard to take the next step, but staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of avoiding conflict can take a greater toll on everyone involved. You need to consider what will truly allow you—and your kids—to have a healthier and happier future.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 13, 2025Hindi
Relationship
Hi Mam, I would like to stay anonymous. Im 27F, recently got engaged and my wedding is in 5 months from now. This match is arranged by my parents within our community. Initially things went well, but after the engagement when we went outside for dinner he was speaking well but before leaving he said this is a suggestion from my end and told that there is slight space between my two teeth in the front and while smiling it creates black image in the photos. So it would be best if i would use invisible aligners so that before wedding it would be fixed adding to this he said he will take care of the expenses and he said he had this thought for a week so its better to disclose it with me. He also said that he didn't tell this to his parents he wanted to check my thoughts on this first, also he said he wanted myself to look very very pretty on the wedding and his relatives should say "Wow, we have never seen such a pretty bride", also he commented about my hair being short actually its medium length but i like to keep my hair short. I really got frustrated when he said all those things this got me very irritated. I didn't speak much, i said i wanted to leave and he dropped me at my place. The next day i asked him if we can meet again to get clarification on this thing, when i asked him the next day about this he said "its just a suggestion if you can take it its fine or you can leave it its upto you". He never accepted that he hurted me or made a wrong statement he kept on saying he didn't mean that way i took it very personally and im creating unnecessary ruckus. at last he said i could have said things differently but he didn't ask for sorry at all. I thought he wont talk about my features again but then after a week he again asked me you were eating outside food for a week you should have gained weight(trying to be funny here), i said no. Because him and his mother already asked about my weight like "why are you so thin? you could have put up some weight know"? I have been in this weight for many years, how much ever i eat my weight remains the same its because of the genetics. But people dont understand this and easily ask some body shaming questions. After this event he is not talking like before and even i dont push him, one of my friend asked me to take initiative and make calls to stop this awkward situation and i took lead called him four times in a week he spoke but he didn't bothered to call me again he was only texting after that too im okay with that but still i feel he might ask me to make changes in my feature, weight etc before the wedding. Im not sure how to deal with this.
Ans: When someone loves and accepts you, they don’t focus on “fixing” things about you to meet external standards, whether it’s for wedding photos or to impress relatives. His insistence that you should look “very, very pretty” for others’ approval shows that his priorities might not align with yours. You weren’t looking for a makeover; you were looking for a life partner who values you for who you are.

His response when you tried to talk about it also speaks volumes. Instead of acknowledging your feelings and reassuring you, he dismissed your concerns, making it seem like you were overreacting. A partner who truly cares would have listened, understood why you felt hurt, and taken responsibility for how his words affected you. Instead, he shifted the blame onto you for "creating unnecessary ruckus," which shows a lack of emotional maturity.

The weight comments, too, are unnecessary and inconsiderate. Genetics determine body type, and no one should feel the need to change themselves to meet someone else’s expectations. His family’s remarks about your weight, combined with his attitude, suggest that this won’t stop after the wedding. If they’re already making you feel self-conscious now, imagine the expectations and unsolicited “suggestions” that might continue in the future.

The distance that has formed between you both after this conversation isn’t just about awkwardness—it’s about emotional disconnection. A strong relationship is built on respect, comfort, and mutual appreciation, not on one person feeling judged and the other acting indifferent. The fact that you had to take the lead in calling him multiple times, while he didn’t reciprocate the effort, says a lot. A healthy relationship should feel mutual, not one-sided.

Right now, you need to ask yourself: Can you truly be yourself in this relationship, or will you constantly feel pressured to meet his and his family’s expectations? Do you feel emotionally safe with him, or do you feel like you have to defend your choices, your body, and your appearance?

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and your peace of mind matters. If his attitude is already making you question yourself and feel frustrated, you have every right to reconsider. You don’t need to “deal” with this by adjusting to his expectations—you need to decide if this is the kind of relationship you want to spend your life in.

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