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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 22, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Hemanti Question by Hemanti on Jun 22, 2024Hindi
Money

Hi I m 49 year old I have monthly income of 1 lakh . I have 25 thousand of investment monthly. I have personal loan of 9 lakh I will retired at 60 . I have a planning of purchasing home of 50 lakh . Kindly suggest.

Ans: First of all, it's great to see you're proactive about your financial future. At 49, with a monthly income of Rs 1 lakh and investing Rs 25,000 monthly, you're on a solid path. Let's plan how you can manage your personal loan, save for retirement, and purchase a home worth Rs 50 lakh.

Understanding Your Current Financial Position
You have a monthly income of Rs 1 lakh and a personal loan of Rs 9 lakh. You invest Rs 25,000 monthly, which is commendable. Your goal is to retire at 60 and buy a home worth Rs 50 lakh. Let's break down how you can achieve these goals.

Managing Your Personal Loan
Importance of Reducing Debt
Your personal loan of Rs 9 lakh is a significant liability. Paying off this loan should be a priority to free up your cash flow and reduce financial stress. Personal loans usually have high-interest rates, which can eat into your savings.

Accelerating Loan Repayment
Consider allocating more funds towards your loan repayment. This might mean temporarily reducing your monthly investments. Paying off the loan faster will save you money on interest and improve your financial stability.

Balancing Loan Repayment and Investments
You don't want to stop investing altogether. Find a balance where you can pay extra towards your loan while still investing a portion of your income. This ensures you continue to build your future corpus while managing your debt.

Strategic Investment Planning
Review Your Investment Portfolio
Review your current investments to ensure they align with your long-term goals. Are you investing in a mix of equity and debt instruments? Diversification is key to managing risk and maximizing returns.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Actively managed funds can offer higher returns compared to index funds. Fund managers actively select stocks, aiming to outperform the market. This can be beneficial for growing your investments faster.

Regular Investments and SIPs
Continue with your SIPs, but ensure they are in high-performing funds. Even small, regular investments can grow significantly over time due to compounding. Review the performance of your funds periodically.

Saving for Retirement
Estimating Retirement Corpus
You aim to retire at 60, which gives you 11 years to save. Estimate how much you will need for a comfortable retirement. Consider inflation and your expected lifestyle expenses.

Increasing Retirement Contributions
If possible, gradually increase your monthly investment contributions. Even a small increase can make a big difference over time. Automate your investments to ensure consistency.

Asset Allocation for Retirement
A good mix of equity and debt can help you achieve a balance between growth and stability. As you approach retirement, gradually shift towards safer, more stable investments.

Planning for Home Purchase
Evaluating Home Purchase Decision
Buying a home worth Rs 50 lakh is a big financial commitment. Ensure it fits within your long-term financial plan without straining your finances. Consider all costs, including down payment, EMIs, maintenance, and property taxes.

Saving for Down Payment
Start saving for the down payment. Typically, a down payment is 20% of the property's value, so for a Rs 50 lakh home, you'll need Rs 10 lakh. Allocate a portion of your monthly savings towards this goal.

Home Loan Considerations
If you plan to take a home loan, compare interest rates and terms from different lenders. Aim for a shorter loan tenure to save on interest. Ensure your EMI is manageable within your monthly budget.

Tax Efficiency and Benefits
Utilizing Tax-Saving Instruments
Maximize your tax-saving investments under Section 80C. This includes contributions to PPF, EPF, and ELSS. Tax savings can enhance your overall returns and help you build a larger corpus.

Regular Fund Investments
Investing through a certified financial planner can provide professional advice. Regular funds, despite higher expense ratios, come with expert guidance, which can optimize your portfolio and returns.

Creating an Emergency Fund
Importance of an Emergency Fund
An emergency fund is crucial to cover unexpected expenses. This ensures you don't have to dip into your long-term investments during financial crises.

Building the Fund
Aim to save at least 6-12 months' worth of expenses in a liquid account. Allocate a portion of your monthly savings until you reach this target. This fund should be easily accessible in emergencies.

Insurance and Risk Management
Adequate Life Insurance
Ensure you have adequate life insurance coverage to protect your family financially. Term insurance is a good option as it provides high coverage at a low premium.

Health Insurance
A comprehensive health insurance plan is essential to cover medical emergencies. This prevents large out-of-pocket expenses that can disrupt your savings and investments.

Regular Monitoring and Rebalancing
Periodic Portfolio Review
Regularly review your investment portfolio to ensure it aligns with your goals. Markets and personal circumstances change, requiring adjustments to your strategy. A certified financial planner can assist with these reviews.

Rebalancing Your Portfolio
Rebalancing involves adjusting your investments to maintain your desired asset allocation. For example, if equities have grown significantly, sell some and reinvest in underperforming assets. This helps manage risk and stay on track with your goals.

Maximizing Your Savings
Budgeting and Expense Management
Track your expenses to identify areas where you can save more. Create a budget and stick to it. This ensures you have more funds available for investments and loan repayment.

Increasing Savings Rate
As your income grows, aim to increase your savings rate. Even small increments can significantly impact your final corpus due to the power of compounding. Automate savings to ensure consistency.

Leveraging Employer Benefits
Provident Fund Contributions
Ensure you maximize your contributions to the Employee Provident Fund (EPF). This is a safe and tax-efficient way to build your retirement corpus.

Voluntary Provident Fund (VPF)
Consider contributing to the Voluntary Provident Fund (VPF) if you can save more. VPF offers the same benefits as EPF, with guaranteed returns and tax benefits.

Long-Term Investment Strategies
Compounding Power
The power of compounding cannot be overstated. The earlier you start investing, the more your money grows over time. Regular investments and reinvesting returns accelerate growth.

Staying Invested
Market fluctuations are normal. Stay invested for the long term to ride out volatility. Equity markets tend to deliver good returns over extended periods.

Avoiding Emotional Decisions
Investment decisions should be based on logic, not emotions. Avoid making impulsive decisions based on market movements. A certified financial planner can provide an objective perspective.

Planning for Inflation and Taxes
Inflation Protection
Inflation can erode your purchasing power over time. Ensure your investments grow faster than inflation. Equities and other high-growth investments generally outpace inflation.

Tax Planning
Tax-efficient investing is crucial. Utilize available tax deductions and exemptions. For instance, investments in PPF, EPF, and certain mutual funds offer tax benefits. Consult with a tax advisor to optimize your tax strategy, ensuring you retain more of your returns.

Final Insights
Managing your personal loan, saving for retirement, and planning to buy a home are significant financial goals. With disciplined savings and strategic investments, you can achieve these goals. Focus on reducing your personal loan, maximizing your savings, and investing wisely. Regularly review and adjust your financial plan to stay on track. With consistent efforts and careful planning, you can secure a comfortable retirement and fulfill your dream of purchasing a home.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 17, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 22, 2024Hindi
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I am 55 yrs of age I have cash in hand payment of 80000. I need to buy a house of 1 cr when i retire at 50 I will be retiring with pension and medical cover Thks
Ans: There seems to be a discrepancy in the information provided. You mentioned you are 55 years old and want to buy a house of 1 crore when you retire at 50. It's likely you meant 60 instead of 50 for your retirement age.

Here's how I can help you considering a retirement age of 60:

Planning for a House Purchase:

Investment Timeframe: You have 5 years (assuming retirement at 60) to accumulate the remaining amount for the house (Rs. 1 crore - Rs. 80,000) = Rs. 9,20,000.

Investment Options: Given the shorter timeframe, consider options with a balance of growth potential and moderate risk:

Fixed Deposits (FDs): Secure investment with guaranteed returns, but interest rates might not outpace inflation.
Debt Mutual Funds: Potentially higher returns than FDs, but some market fluctuations are possible. Explore short-term debt funds or income funds for stability and regular interest payouts.
Here's a breakdown of two investment approaches (consult a financial advisor for personalization):

Approach 1: Prioritizing Safety (Focus on FDs)

Invest a major portion (around 70%) in FDs. Research and compare FD interest rates offered by different banks.
Consider a shorter tenure FD (like 3-year) to potentially ladder your investments and have some flexibility closer to your purchase.
Invest the remaining amount (around 30%) in low-risk debt funds for potentially higher returns.
Approach 2: Balancing Growth and Safety (Mix of FDs and Debt Funds)

Invest a portion (around 50%) in FDs for guaranteed returns.
Invest the remaining amount (around 50%) in debt funds with a slightly higher risk profile for potentially higher returns than FDs. Choose debt funds with a good credit rating.
Additional Tips:

Emergency Fund: Maintain an emergency fund with 3-6 months of living expenses to cover unexpected costs. Park this in a liquid instrument like a savings account.
Loan Options: Explore home loan options closer to your retirement. You might be eligible for senior citizen loan schemes with potentially lower interest rates. However, factor in the loan repayment burden after retirement.
Review and Rebalance: Regularly review your investment performance (at least annually) and adjust your strategy if needed.
Consulting a Financial Advisor:

A Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can analyze your financial situation, risk tolerance, and retirement plans. They can suggest a personalized investment strategy to reach your house purchase goal while considering your overall financial needs.

Remember:

There are inherent risks involved in any investment. The above approaches provide a general framework.
Disciplined investment and staying invested for the long term are crucial for achieving your goals.

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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 24, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 20, 2024Hindi
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Hello sir, I am 33yr old. I have a salary of 50k/month. I m living in rented house 8k/month. And SIP of 5k/month. Other expenses of 5-8k/month. Please suggest financial planning. And wanted to buy house.
Ans: It's great that you're thinking about financial planning at 33. Let's craft a strategy tailored to your needs and goals.

Emergency Fund:
Goal: Build an emergency fund equal to 6-12 months of living expenses.
Action: Allocate a portion of your savings monthly until you reach this target. Aim to have this fund in a liquid and easily accessible account.
SIPs & Investments:
Current SIP: 5k/month
Action: Consider increasing your SIP amount as your income grows. Diversify investments across equity, debt, and other asset classes to manage risk and achieve growth.
Home Purchase:
Goal: Buy a house.
Action: Start saving for a down payment. Consider your current expenses and see where you can cut back or increase savings. Also, explore home loan options to understand the amount you'd need to borrow and the EMI you'd be comfortable with.
Retirement Planning:
Goal: Secure your retirement.
Action: Start an SIP specifically for retirement. The earlier you start, the better. Consider allocating a portion of your monthly savings to this SIP.
Insurance:
Goal: Protect yourself and your loved ones.
Action: Ensure you have health insurance, life insurance, and if possible, disability insurance. Review and update coverage as your circumstances change.
Additional Income:
Goal: Increase income streams.
Action: Explore opportunities for side hustles, freelancing, or upskilling to boost your income.
Budgeting:
Goal: Manage expenses effectively.
Action: Create a monthly budget to track income and expenses. This will help you identify areas where you can save more.
Remember, financial planning is not a one-time activity. It's an ongoing process that requires regular review and adjustments as your life circumstances change. It's also essential to consult with a Certified Financial Planner to ensure your plan aligns with your goals, risk tolerance, and financial situation.

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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 21, 2024Hindi
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I am 40 years old.I am earning monthly salary of Rs.1.20 lakhs per month.Currently I am having SIP of Rs.50K,RD,SSA,PF--Combinedly Rs.25K.I am having a vehicle loan EMI of Rs.8500/-.I want to purchase a home through home loan of Rs.60 lakhs.Please advise me.
Ans: Let's create a plan to help you purchase a home and manage your finances effectively.

Current Financial Overview
Age: 40 years old
Monthly Salary: Rs 1.20 lakhs
Current SIP: Rs 50,000
Recurring Deposit (RD), Sukanya Samriddhi Account (SSA), Provident Fund (PF): Combined Rs 25,000
Vehicle Loan EMI: Rs 8,500
Financial Goals
Purchase a Home: Home loan of Rs 60 lakhs
Monthly Income and Expenses
Total Monthly Income: Rs 1.20 lakhs
Total Monthly Savings: Rs 75,000 (SIP + RD, SSA, PF)
Total Monthly Loan EMI: Rs 8,500
Remaining for Expenses: Rs 36,500
Investment Strategy
Continue Current SIP and Savings
SIP: Continue Rs 50,000 SIP in diversified mutual funds. Actively managed funds can offer better returns than index funds.

RD, SSA, PF: Maintain Rs 25,000 monthly in RD, SSA, and PF. These provide stability and long-term benefits.

Advantages of Actively Managed Funds
Professional Management: Access to experienced fund managers.

Potential for Higher Returns: Opportunity to outperform the market.

Flexibility: Fund managers can adjust portfolios based on market conditions.

Home Loan Consideration
EMI Calculation and Affordability
Home Loan Amount: Rs 60 lakhs

Estimated EMI: Approximately Rs 55,000 per month (based on 8.5% interest rate for 20 years)

Total EMIs: Rs 63,500 (vehicle loan + home loan)

Financial Assessment
Monthly Cash Flow
Income: Rs 1.20 lakhs
Total EMIs: Rs 63,500
Total Savings: Rs 75,000
Remaining for Expenses: Rs 36,500
Action Plan
Adjust SIP and Savings
SIP Adjustment: Consider reducing SIP temporarily to Rs 30,000 to manage cash flow better.

Emergency Fund: Ensure you have an emergency fund covering 6 months of expenses.

Home Loan Affordability
Down Payment: Save for a larger down payment to reduce the loan amount.

EMI Affordability: Ensure EMIs do not exceed 40% of your monthly income.

Additional Considerations
Insurance and Risk Management
Term Insurance: Ensure you have adequate term insurance coverage.

Health Insurance: Maintain comprehensive health insurance.

Long-term Planning
Retirement Planning: Continue contributing to PF and consider additional retirement savings.

Child’s Education: Plan for future educational expenses through dedicated savings.

Final Insights
Review Regularly: Keep reviewing your financial plan and make adjustments as needed.

Seek Expert Advice: Consult a Certified Financial Planner for personalized guidance.

Stay Disciplined: Maintain a disciplined approach to savings and investments.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

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Requesting you, to help me, regarding midcap 150 etf of mirae asset midcap 150 etf for longterm through SIP
Ans: Let us review the suitability of investing in a mid-cap 150 ETF for the long term via SIP.

Understanding ETFs and Their Characteristics
Passive Management: Midcap ETFs replicate an index like the Nifty Midcap 150.

Cost Efficiency: They offer lower expense ratios compared to actively managed funds.

No Active Decision Making: They do not try to outperform the market but track the index.

Volatility Concerns: Midcap indices are more volatile than large-cap indices.

Returns Depend on Index: The ETF's performance mirrors the performance of its benchmark.

Disadvantages of Investing in Midcap ETFs
Lack of Active Management
Mid-cap stocks are highly volatile.

Active fund managers can adjust portfolios to limit risks during downturns.

ETFs lack this flexibility, as they strictly follow the index composition.

Limited Flexibility in Rebalancing
Market conditions often demand sector rotation or stock-specific decisions.

Actively managed funds adapt to such conditions, but ETFs cannot.

Tracking Errors
ETFs may not perfectly replicate the index due to tracking errors.

This can affect returns, especially over the long term.

Why Actively Managed Funds May Be Better
Fund Manager Expertise
Skilled managers can outperform the index by selecting high-growth stocks.

They can mitigate risks in falling markets through tactical decisions.

Flexibility in Stock Selection
Active funds are not limited to a predefined basket of stocks.

Managers can select fundamentally strong stocks beyond the index.

Potential for Higher Returns
Actively managed funds have historically outperformed midcap indices over long periods.

This makes them a better choice for wealth creation in the mid-cap segment.

Recommendations for Long-Term Mid-Cap Investments
Diversify: Include actively managed mid-cap funds instead of relying solely on an ETF.

Professional Guidance: Invest in regular plans via a Certified Financial Planner.

Monitor Performance: Review fund performance every 6–12 months.

Manage Risk: Avoid overexposure to mid-cap investments due to their volatility.

Final Insights
While Mirae Asset Midcap 150 ETF is a low-cost option, it has limitations.

Active mid-cap funds can better navigate market volatility.

They provide the flexibility and expertise required for wealth creation.

For long-term SIPs, consider balanced exposure to actively managed funds. This ensures both growth and risk management over time.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Money
Dear sir, I am 50 years old and working in private sector MNC 1.5 Lakhs on hand. My job security is very less. I have two kids aged 18, 14 years old. My wife is housewife. I have 80L in Mutual funds and 20L in stocks, Bank deposits 40L. I am investing in SIP in below Mutual funds all direct growth around 57000 pm. CR Bule chip fund, MA Large and Midcap, HDFC smallcap each 5000 pm (15000) step up 2000 every 6months. Invesco Infra, JM Value fund, Nippon India Multicap, Small cap, Parag parekh Flexi cap, Quant Small cap, Mid cap each 6000 pm (42000), all these SIPs started recently from June 2024. Some Lumpsum in Axis smallcap 6L, Bandan core Equity 3L, CR Smallcap 8L, DSP smallcap 4L,HSBC Flexicap 3.5, HSBC Smallcap 3L, ICICI Pru Infra 3.5L, Value discovery 3L, Invesco Large & Midcap 2L, JM Flexicap 1L, Motilal Oswal Midcap 8L, SBI Bluechip 7L, Infrastructure 2L, Sundaram Smallcap 3L My expenses per month are 1.2 Lakh. I don't have loans/EMIs. Please advice me for my retirement life which need at least 1.5L per month, my kids education expenses, and also advice to my Portfolio. Thanks and regards, Yours sincerely, Purushotham Thati
Ans: Your current portfolio and investment habits show a good start. Let us evaluate your financial standing, address your goals, and provide suggestions for optimisation.

Assessment of Your Current Financial Position
Income and Expenses: You have a monthly income of Rs. 1.5 lakh and expenses of Rs. 1.2 lakh. This leaves a surplus of Rs. 30,000 per month.

Investment Corpus: Your existing corpus includes Rs. 80 lakh in mutual funds, Rs. 20 lakh in stocks, and Rs. 40 lakh in bank deposits.

SIP Contributions: You are investing Rs. 57,000 monthly across multiple mutual funds.

Lump Sum Investments: You have allocated significant lump sums to small-cap, flexi-cap, and thematic funds.

Goals: Your goals include securing Rs. 1.5 lakh monthly for retirement and funding your children's education.

Planning for Retirement
Corpus Required
You aim for Rs. 1.5 lakh per month during retirement.

Factor in inflation to estimate future monthly expenses.

The current corpus and SIPs must grow consistently to meet this goal.

Recommendations
Maintain a balanced allocation between equity and debt for steady growth.

Avoid excessive concentration in small-cap and thematic funds, which are volatile.

Increase exposure to balanced and flexi-cap funds for stability.

Planning for Children’s Education
Current Needs
Your children are aged 18 and 14, which implies upcoming higher education expenses.

Plan for expenses within the next 4–8 years.

Recommendations
Create a dedicated education fund for both children.

Use debt-oriented hybrid funds or short-term debt funds for near-term goals.

Ensure part of your mutual fund corpus is earmarked for this purpose.

Portfolio Review and Suggestions
Strengths of the Portfolio
Disciplined SIP Investments: Investing Rs. 57,000 monthly shows financial discipline.

Diversification: Exposure to various categories like large-cap, mid-cap, small-cap, and thematic funds.

Areas for Improvement
Excessive Small-Cap Allocation: High exposure to small-cap funds increases volatility.

Thematic Fund Overlap: Thematic funds like infrastructure may lead to concentration risks.

Direct Fund Investments: Direct funds lack professional guidance and ongoing monitoring.

Portfolio Optimisation
Consolidate funds to reduce over-diversification and improve focus.

Shift some SIPs to balanced advantage or hybrid funds for stability.

Review and replace underperforming funds periodically.

Invest through a Certified Financial Planner to benefit from professional advice.

Optimising Lumpsum Investments
Review the performance of your lump sum investments.

Redeploy underperforming small-cap and thematic funds into balanced funds.

Keep a portion of your bank deposits in liquid funds for emergencies.

Avoid high allocations to sectoral or cyclical funds due to their dependency on market conditions.

Tax Planning
Long-term capital gains on equity mutual funds above Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%.

Short-term capital gains on equity funds are taxed at 20%.

Debt mutual funds are taxed as per your income tax slab.

Plan redemptions considering these rules to minimise tax liabilities.

Emergency Fund Allocation
Maintain at least 6–12 months of expenses in liquid funds or fixed deposits.

This ensures financial security given your low job security.

Allocate Rs. 15–20 lakh from your bank deposits for this purpose.

Recommendations for SIPs
Reduce exposure to small-cap and thematic funds.

Increase allocation to large-cap and multi-cap funds for stability.

Consider balanced advantage funds to manage market volatility.

Step-up SIPs only after assessing fund performance.

Final Insights
Your financial foundation is strong, but optimisation is essential.

Prioritise stability and diversification in your portfolio.

Allocate funds separately for retirement and children’s education.

Maintain a robust emergency fund to handle uncertainties.

Seek professional advice to streamline and monitor your investments.

Consistent review and disciplined investing will help you achieve financial independence and secure your family’s future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |807 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 28, 2024Hindi
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Money
Retiremen advice I am 50 yrs old single with recurring and chronic health issues. I would like to retire and I have 2 crore in FD 1 crore in stock and mutual funds I also own a home and a flat both are free of debt. Please advice me to restructure my assets and have a peaceful retirement. My tax consultant told me I can get up to 3 lakhs per month with 3 cr invested in stocks and mutual funds How realistic is it possible and how to montage the downside risks associated with it. I had been a victim of Franklin Templeton debt funds during covid and I do not trust Mutual funds houses or its manages as before.
Ans: Hello;

It is impossible to get 3 L per month with 3 Cr corpus in mutual funds, unless you are ready to deplete the corpus completely over 10-12 years.

Since you were impacted with Franklin Templeton debt funds issue earlier, I recommend you to buy an immediate annuity from a life insurance company for a sum of 2.8 Cr.

You may chose annuity for life with return of purchase price to your nominee.

It may yield you a post tax monthly income of around 1.1 L+.

After fulfilling your regular expenses you may begin a monthly sip of 10-15 K in any equity fund.

The corpus that this investment will generate over 10-15 years may be used to top-up annuity and hence monthly payouts to account for rise in the inflation.

You may keep balance 20 L corpus in savings account as emergency fund.

Although the Franklin Templeton debt fund issue was difficult for the unitholders of those funds, the alacrity and surgical precision with which SEBI handled that issue and ensured all investors get their money back was commendable.

We cannot control human behaviour but we have extremely robust system of checks and balances in regulation of our MF industry to safeguard investor interests at all costs even if some negative event occurs.

Seek help from a mutual fund distributor or an investment advisor for help, if required.

Best wishes;
X: @mars_invest

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1413 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 27, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I live in a joint family with my brother and parents. I’ve been having a hard time managing my relationship with my bhabhi (sister-in-law). We live in the same house, and things have been tense lately. I’ve always tried to be polite and respectful, but there are constant little misunderstandings between us, and it’s starting to affect my peace of mind. We both want to keep things cordial for the family’s sake, but it feels like there’s always some tension whenever we interact. The problem is, I tend to get defensive whenever she says something I don’t agree with, and I know it’s only making things worse. I’m also trying to stay calm in front of everyone, but it’s hard not to let these small issues build up in my head. I really don’t want to keep feeling frustrated, but I don’t know how to change my approach. I love my brother and I want to improve the atmosphere at home and make sure I’m not letting these things affect me so much. Please help.
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Joint family systems are filled with adventure and these things that you have brought up are part of that adventure.
Take things as they come and make sure you train yourself not to react...is this possible? YES, it is!
Let's say your Bhabhi accuses you of something, maybe your first reaction is to get defensive and explain or argue. Instead, what if you trained yourself to say: Okay, she's again accusing me of something; let's see what is the new thing that she has invented and let me have fun by simply listening.

This will ensure that your part of adventure gets playful and it will also enable you to respond rather than react. Now, does this happen overnight? NO, it requires a lot of mind training but start somewhere to get to someplace different.

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Anu Krishna  |1413 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

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Hi, I Am 26(M). I had an arranged marriage, my wife had a pre-marital affair which continued even after our engagement and for 9 months of marriage. According to my wife, she met him once and he wanted to have sex but my wife didn't do it. (The used to chat on Instagram). I found out today after 2 years of marriage. And we just had a baby. My wife asked me to use Instagram after we got engaged, but I refused because I was afraid it would have a bad effect on her. I don't even use it cause I know what can go wrong. When I caught her red-handed and saw the man's chats, I took her phone. And then I had read a little chat, then my wife came to me and said that she had to call our maid. I gave her the phone and she not only spoke on the phone but also deleted the chats with the guy. My eyes were closed when she spoke to maid on the phone. Cause I was so tired. Then I asked my wife to talk to him in front of me because I wanted to teach him a lesson and find his fiancée and tell her the truth. I'm very loyal to my wife. And she was my world. I've never had a girlfriend. I am open minded and I had asked my wife before the engagement, after the engagement on the phone and even after the marriage that if she had a past, I will accept it. My wife messaged him and he asked her talk on video call. The guy also knows that we have just had a baby who is not even 1 month old. I turned on the screen recording of the video call and gave it to my wife. In that screen recording, my wife texted the guy and told him to talk carefully cause I was sitting in front of her and then deleted the message with option of 'delete for you' on Instagram. This is how my wife cheated on me 2 times even after being caught. She told me that she loved me later on. And she took great care of me. She brought me out of depression. She did everything and I also loved her with all my heart and did everything for her. Right now she is saying I forgive her and she wants to live with me like before. She apologized a ton as well. But I don't know what to do at the moment. After so many lies, I can't trust her easily. She has a habit of lying in small things as well. I want to live with her, she was my support, my mother is not even there. when I was 12 years old... Now what do I do? Please kindly guide me!
Ans: Dear LoneKnight,
Yes, you feel like your trust has been broken. Is it easy to build back that trust? Yes and No...Yes, if you wish to...No, if you don't wish to...
If you go back in time and play the same story about how you wife was on Instagram and how she 'cheated' on you, there is no way that you can put your marriage back together.
How are you open-minded when an Instagram account causes you to fear what will happen? I can understand that you are a person with no past girlfriends but people do come with a past. Now, your wife could have shared her past with you, but most women seem to not want to for fear of reaction from the men like you have now. I can see that all this has hurt you, but if you want this marriage to work, you are going to have to drop all the past baggage, yours and your wife's and start afresh. Which means taking things for what it is NOW at face value without doubting it.
Can you do that? My suggestion would be: make an honest attempt at it. But warn yourself against going back in to the past otherwise there will be more mud throwing and no solution in sight.
Start new, Start afresh...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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