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Can I Afford to Retire at 50 with a Portfolio of 4.85 Crore and Monthly Expenses of 2 Lakhs?

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7831 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 04, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Dec 04, 2024Hindi
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I m 44 looking for retirement at 50 current portfolio 1 cr in mf ,1 cr in pms , 20 lac in ppf ,60 lac in fd and have one real estate asset of 2cr which i will sell in next 6 years and settle at home loan of 65 lac Please suggest strategy for future expense on 2 lac per month

Ans: Your portfolio showcases disciplined investments:

Rs. 1 crore in mutual funds.

Rs. 1 crore in PMS.

Rs. 20 lakh in PPF.

Rs. 60 lakh in fixed deposits.

A real estate asset worth Rs. 2 crore to be sold in 6 years.

A home loan liability of Rs. 65 lakh.

You aim for Rs. 2 lakh monthly expenses post-retirement at 50.

This diversified portfolio indicates a strong foundation. Let us optimise it for sustained income and financial stability.

Key Priorities
Generating a stable income post-retirement.

Protecting against inflation and rising costs.

Ensuring liquidity and tax efficiency.

Preparing for contingencies, such as medical expenses.

Strategy for Future Expenses
Step 1: Use Real Estate Sale Proceeds Strategically
Selling the property in six years will generate Rs. 2 crore.

Pay off the home loan of Rs. 65 lakh to become debt-free.

Invest the remaining Rs. 1.35 crore in instruments providing monthly cash flow.

Consider options like SWPs from mutual funds and balanced allocation.

Step 2: Strengthen Mutual Fund Investments
Diversify across large-cap, mid-cap, and balanced advantage categories.

Continue holding actively managed funds for long-term growth.

Use a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) for advice on optimising fund selection.

Prioritise regular funds through an MFD with CFP credentials over direct plans.

Step 3: Redeploy PMS Investments
Evaluate the performance of your PMS portfolio.

PMS often has high fees and limited flexibility.

Move funds to mutual funds for better cost efficiency and liquidity.

Allocate to equity mutual funds for higher long-term growth potential.

Step 4: Optimise PPF and Fixed Deposit Holdings
Continue PPF contributions for tax-free, stable returns.

PPF is a low-risk asset and complements equity investments.

Fixed deposits should be reduced to avoid overexposure to low-yield instruments.

Reinvest part of the FD corpus into debt mutual funds for better returns and tax efficiency.

Step 5: Create an Emergency Fund
Set aside Rs. 10-12 lakh as an emergency fund.

Use a mix of liquid funds and high-interest savings accounts for this purpose.

This fund should cover unexpected expenses like medical emergencies or sudden repairs.

Step 6: Plan for Retirement Income
Invest in a systematic withdrawal plan (SWP) for steady income.

Use Rs. 2 crore from mutual funds and PMS, allocating for growth and stability.

Ensure a mix of equity and debt for inflation-adjusted returns.

Focus on capital preservation while generating income.

Addressing Inflation
Inflation will erode Rs. 2 lakh’s purchasing power over time.

Invest in equity and balanced funds for long-term growth.

Review investments every year to rebalance based on inflation trends.

Tax Efficiency
Mutual fund capital gains attract taxes as per the new rules.

Equity mutual funds: LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh taxed at 12.5%.

Debt mutual funds taxed as per your income tax slab.

PPF is tax-free and should remain untouched till maturity.

Strategise withdrawals to minimise tax liability.

Healthcare and Insurance Planning
Assess your existing health insurance.

Upgrade your coverage if needed, keeping future medical inflation in mind.

Build a dedicated healthcare corpus.

Consider critical illness coverage for additional protection.

Retirement Lifestyle Adjustments
Maintain a lifestyle matching your retirement income.

Control discretionary spending to extend the portfolio's longevity.

Track expenses and ensure spending stays within the planned budget.

Final Insights
Your existing portfolio reflects strong savings discipline.

Focus on reallocating low-return assets to higher-yield investments.

Plan withdrawals and investments for tax efficiency and inflation protection.

Regular reviews with a Certified Financial Planner will ensure alignment with goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7831 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 12, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 12, 2024Hindi
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I have a monthly income of 1.4 lacs. Have 62 Lacs in FD, 5 Lacs in PF and about 5 lacs in equity. I spend about 40 k per month. How can I plan my retirement. Please suggest. Thanks.
Ans: Given your current financial situation, planning for retirement requires a strategic approach to ensure financial security in your golden years. Let's outline a retirement plan tailored to your needs:

Assess Retirement Needs: Start by estimating your expected expenses during retirement. Consider factors such as healthcare costs, living expenses, travel, and leisure activities. Be realistic in your estimations to ensure you have adequate funds to maintain your desired lifestyle.

Evaluate Current Assets: Take stock of your existing assets, including FDs, PF, and equity investments. Calculate their expected growth over time and factor in inflation to determine their future value. This assessment will provide a baseline for your retirement corpus.

Investment Strategy: Given your conservative investment approach with significant holdings in FDs and PF, consider diversifying your portfolio to optimize returns while managing risk. Allocate a portion of your portfolio to equity investments for long-term growth potential, balanced with fixed-income securities for stability.

Retirement Corpus Calculation: Determine the desired corpus needed to sustain your lifestyle during retirement. Factor in inflation, life expectancy, and potential healthcare expenses. Use online retirement calculators or consult with a Certified Financial Planner to arrive at a realistic target amount.

Savings and Investments: Maximize your savings by setting aside a portion of your monthly income specifically for retirement. Channel these savings into a mix of retirement-focused investments such as Equity Linked Savings Schemes (ELSS), National Pension System (NPS), and Mutual Funds tailored for retirement planning.

Regular Review and Adjustment: Regularly review your retirement plan to track progress towards your goals and make adjustments as needed. As you approach retirement age, gradually shift your portfolio towards more conservative investments to preserve capital and minimize risk.

Emergency Fund: Maintain an emergency fund equivalent to 6-12 months' worth of living expenses to cover unforeseen expenses or income disruptions during retirement.

Consult a Financial Planner: Consider seeking guidance from a Certified Financial Planner who can provide personalized advice based on your financial goals, risk tolerance, and retirement timeline. They can help optimize your retirement plan and address any concerns or uncertainties you may have.

By following these steps and staying disciplined in your savings and investment approach, you can work towards building a substantial retirement corpus that will provide financial security and peace of mind in your retirement years.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7831 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 22, 2024

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Hi sir Am 46 yr old and my financial investment are as below : 1) recently started SIP with 45k monthly investment. 2) am investing in NPS 20k monthly for last 8 years (currently 25 lacs in nps portfolio) 3) am investing in sukanya 70k annually for past 9 years (currents 8 lacs in portfolio) 4) commercial property worth 1.8 cr generating me rent of 70k monthly 5) 1 flat worth 1.7 cr generating me rent of 40k monthly) 6) 1 floor where am staying worth 1.8 cr has a loan going with emi of 66 k which i plan to close within next 4 to 5 yrs max 7) PF is 22 lacs as of now due to some withdrawals earlier. But am doing additional vpf of 10k monthly apart from 25k which gets invested from my salary 8) my take home salary is 2.7 lacs monthly I want to retire in another 7 to 8 years.pls suggest what i need to do or plan so as to have monthly 3lacs income
Ans: First off, kudos on taking charge of your financial future. You have a diversified portfolio with multiple investments, and that's great. Let's break down your current investments and see how you can reach your goal of Rs 3 lakhs monthly income post-retirement.

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
You've recently started a SIP with a monthly investment of Rs 45,000. SIPs are a fantastic way to build wealth over time. By investing regularly, you benefit from rupee cost averaging and the power of compounding. Given your goal, it's important to keep a close eye on the performance of the mutual funds you've chosen.

If you're in actively managed funds, ensure they consistently outperform their benchmarks. If any fund underperforms for an extended period, consider switching to a better-performing one. Actively managed funds, guided by professional fund managers, can potentially offer higher returns than passive funds.

National Pension System (NPS)
You've been investing Rs 20,000 monthly in NPS for the last eight years, with a current portfolio value of Rs 25 lakhs. NPS is a great choice for retirement planning due to its low cost and tax benefits.

However, NPS comes with certain withdrawal restrictions and partial annuitization at retirement. To maximize benefits, regularly review your asset allocation between equity, corporate bonds, and government securities. Adjust it based on market conditions and your risk tolerance. Given your timeline, consider increasing equity exposure slightly to boost potential returns.

Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana (SSY)
You're investing Rs 70,000 annually in Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana for the past nine years, with a current corpus of Rs 8 lakhs. This is a wonderful scheme for your daughter's future, offering high-interest rates and tax benefits. Keep this investment untouched until maturity to fully benefit from its tax-free interest.

Real Estate Investments
You own commercial property worth Rs 1.8 crores, generating Rs 70,000 monthly rent, and a flat worth Rs 1.7 crores, generating Rs 40,000 monthly rent. These provide a substantial passive income, which is excellent.

However, real estate investments come with risks like maintenance costs, tenant issues, and market fluctuations. While they are stable, they aren't very liquid. Keep this in mind as you plan for retirement, where liquidity can be crucial.

Residential Property and Loan
Your home is worth Rs 1.8 crores, and you're paying an EMI of Rs 66,000. Planning to close this loan within 4-5 years is wise. Once the loan is repaid, your cash flow will improve significantly. Until then, ensure you have a buffer to handle EMIs without stress.

Provident Fund (PF) and Voluntary Provident Fund (VPF)
Your current PF balance is Rs 22 lakhs, with an additional VPF contribution of Rs 10,000 monthly, apart from Rs 25,000 from your salary. Provident Fund is a safe and stable investment, offering guaranteed returns and tax benefits. Your regular contributions will compound over time, providing a substantial corpus at retirement.

Take-Home Salary and Expenses
Your take-home salary is Rs 2.7 lakhs monthly. With disciplined savings and investments, you're on a strong path. However, it's essential to ensure that your expenses are well-managed, allowing you to save and invest consistently. Budgeting is key here. Track your spending and identify areas where you can cut back, if necessary.

Setting Clear Retirement Goals
To retire with a monthly income of Rs 3 lakhs, we need to build a significant corpus. Let's look at the broad strategies to achieve this.

Increase SIP Contributions: If possible, gradually increase your SIP contributions. Even a small increase can make a big difference over time due to compounding.

Asset Allocation: Diversify your investments across different asset classes – equities, debt, and gold. Equities can offer higher returns, debt provides stability, and gold acts as a hedge against inflation.

Tax Efficiency: Ensure your investments are tax-efficient. Utilize all available tax-saving instruments to minimize tax liability and maximize returns.

Emergency Fund: Maintain an emergency fund to cover at least 6-12 months of expenses. This ensures you won't have to dip into your investments during a financial crunch.

Insurance: Adequate life and health insurance are crucial. This protects your family and savings from unforeseen medical expenses or financial loss.

Enhancing Your Investment Strategy
Active Management Over Passive
While passive funds like index funds track a benchmark, actively managed funds aim to outperform it. This can lead to better returns if the fund manager makes smart investment decisions. Since you've not mentioned index funds, it's good to focus on active management where fund managers actively select stocks.

Regular Fund Investments
Direct funds might seem cheaper due to lower expense ratios, but regular funds through a certified financial planner can be beneficial. They offer professional advice and help optimize your portfolio. A financial planner provides valuable insights, ensuring your investments align with your goals and risk tolerance.

Monitoring and Rebalancing
Regularly review and rebalance your portfolio. This involves adjusting your investments to maintain your desired asset allocation. For instance, if equities perform well and exceed your target allocation, sell some and reinvest in underperforming assets. This ensures you stay on track to meet your goals while managing risk.

Maximizing NPS Benefits
As you get closer to retirement, consider shifting some NPS funds to safer assets like government bonds. This reduces risk as you near your goal. Also, explore options within NPS to ensure you're getting the best possible returns with minimal risk.

Building a Robust Retirement Corpus
Given your diverse investments, you're well on your way to building a robust retirement corpus. To achieve Rs 3 lakhs monthly income, let's look at the sources:

Rental Income: Your commercial and residential properties already generate Rs 1.1 lakhs monthly. Ensure properties are well-maintained to avoid tenant turnover and vacancies.

NPS and PF: Continue maximizing contributions to NPS and PF. At retirement, these can be significant sources of income.

SIP and Mutual Funds: Regular SIP investments in mutual funds will grow over time. Ensure a mix of equity and debt funds to balance growth and stability.

VPF Contributions: Your VPF contributions add to your retirement corpus, providing a stable and guaranteed return.

Exploring Additional Investment Options
Equity Investments
Equities offer the potential for high returns but come with higher risk. Given your time frame, you can consider increasing equity exposure. Diversified equity mutual funds or blue-chip stocks can be good options. Ensure you have a balanced approach, considering your risk tolerance.

Debt Instruments
Debt instruments like corporate bonds, government securities, and fixed deposits provide stability and regular income. Allocate a portion of your portfolio to these to balance risk. Look for options offering higher interest rates with good credit ratings.

Gold Investments
Gold is a traditional hedge against inflation and economic uncertainty. Consider investing a small portion of your portfolio in gold through ETFs or sovereign gold bonds. This diversifies your portfolio and adds a layer of security.

Planning for Inflation and Taxes
Inflation Protection
Inflation can erode your purchasing power over time. Ensure your investments grow faster than inflation. Equities and real estate generally outpace inflation, while debt instruments may lag. Keep this in mind while planning your asset allocation.

Tax Planning
Tax-efficient investing is crucial. Utilize available tax deductions and exemptions. For instance, investments in NPS, PF, and certain mutual funds offer tax benefits. Consult with a tax advisor to optimize your tax strategy, ensuring you retain more of your returns.

Financial Discipline and Regular Review
Consistent Investments
Stay disciplined with your investments. Regular contributions, even during market downturns, ensure you benefit from compounding and rupee cost averaging.

Periodic Reviews
Regularly review your financial plan and investments. Life circumstances and market conditions change, requiring adjustments to your strategy. A certified financial planner can help with this, ensuring you stay on track.

Emergency Preparedness
Maintain an emergency fund and adequate insurance coverage. This safeguards your investments and ensures financial stability during unforeseen events.

Final Insights
Your diversified investments and disciplined approach are commendable. To retire with a monthly income of Rs 3 lakhs, focus on maximizing returns, managing risk, and maintaining financial discipline. Regularly review and adjust your portfolio, ensuring it aligns with your goals and risk tolerance. By doing so, you're well on your way to a secure and comfortable retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7831 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 05, 2025

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I am Lisha a kg teacher. I have debt of 40 lakhs. I have net income 25000. How can I manage to recover from debt? Please reply
Ans: Understanding the Debt Situation

You have a total debt of Rs. 40 lakhs.

Your net income is Rs. 25,000 per month.

Managing this situation requires planning, discipline, and action.

The key focus should be reducing high-interest loans first.

Increasing income is also necessary to speed up debt repayment.

Prioritising Debt Repayment

List all loans with their interest rates and EMI amounts.

Identify which loans have the highest interest rates.

Prioritise paying off the costliest loan first.

If you have multiple high-interest loans, consider debt consolidation.

Avoid taking new loans or using credit cards for daily expenses.

Reducing Monthly Interest Burden

Rs. 40 lakh debt with Rs. 25,000 income is a serious imbalance.

Your monthly interest burden alone can be unmanageable.

Speak with lenders and request lower interest rates.

Negotiate for an extended loan tenure to reduce EMI.

Avoid late payments to prevent penalties and additional charges.

Earning More Income

With Rs. 25,000 monthly income, repaying Rs. 40 lakh is tough.

Look for additional income sources, even part-time jobs.

Explore online tutoring, weekend coaching, or freelance work.

If possible, upskill to apply for a higher-paying job.

Can you take extra classes at school for additional earnings?

Find small home-based businesses like craft-making or baking.

Use any skills you have to create an extra income stream.

Cutting Down Expenses

Reduce unnecessary expenses wherever possible.

Limit non-essential spending like dining out, entertainment, and subscriptions.

Look for cheaper alternatives for daily expenses.

Create a strict monthly budget and track every expense.

Save on electricity, fuel, and shopping wherever possible.

Avoid personal luxuries until your financial situation improves.

Seeking Family Support

If possible, take help from family members.

Can they provide an interest-free loan for partial debt payment?

Even a small contribution can reduce your debt burden.

Family members may also help with daily expenses for some time.

Transparent communication with them is important.

Avoiding Traps of Loan Apps & Credit Cards

Avoid borrowing from mobile loan apps due to high interest.

Credit cards should not be used for cash withdrawals.

Paying only the minimum due on a credit card leads to more debt.

If you have credit card debt, clear it first due to high interest.

Stick to formal financial institutions for loans.

Exploring Debt Restructuring Options

If you have a bank loan, check if restructuring is possible.

Some banks allow restructuring in financial hardship cases.

This can reduce EMI or provide a temporary relief period.

Approach your lenders with a genuine repayment plan.

Avoid defaulting, as it can hurt your credit score.

Avoiding High-Risk Investments

Do not fall for quick-money schemes or gambling.

Avoid investments that promise unrealistically high returns.

Avoid stock market trading without proper knowledge.

Focus on steady income generation instead of risky bets.

Checking for Any Insurance Policies

If you have LIC, ULIP, or investment-linked insurance, review them.

If surrendering makes sense, reinvest the amount wisely.

Do not stop health insurance, as medical emergencies can worsen finances.

Creating a Step-by-Step Debt Repayment Plan

Pay the minimum due on all loans to avoid penalties.

Focus on repaying the highest-interest loan first.

Negotiate lower interest rates with lenders.

Increase income through side jobs.

Reduce unnecessary expenses to save money.

Explore options like debt consolidation if suitable.

Seek family support where possible.

Avoid new loans unless absolutely necessary.

Finally

Your financial situation is tough but not impossible to fix.

With discipline and effort, debt repayment is possible.

Every small step in saving and earning will help.

Avoid financial mistakes and stay committed to the plan.

With time, your financial situation will improve.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7831 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 05, 2025

Money
At the age of 35 I had 15 lakhs saving, but due a surgery at home I had to almost empty it, on top of it even I had gone through and surgery plus even my father too ( all three generations nero issue) from +15 I went to 25lakhs of debt From various apps and financial sector. I was able to settle few loans and credits but still my outstanding is approx 20 lakhs. My monthly income is 25000 and my only intrest per month is 12500 How do I get of it asap, as living a normal life seems magic.
Ans: Your financial situation is challenging, but not impossible to fix. With a structured approach, discipline, and patience, you can come out of this debt and regain financial stability. Below is a step-by-step guide to help you get back on track.

Understanding the Current Financial Situation
You had Rs. 15 lakhs in savings, but due to medical emergencies, your finances took a hit.

Now, you are left with Rs. 20 lakhs of debt, with an income of Rs. 25,000 per month.

Your monthly interest alone is Rs. 12,500, which is eating up 50% of your earnings.

The key priority should be reducing interest burden and increasing cash flow.

Steps to Reduce Your Debt Faster
1. Stop Borrowing More Money
Do not take new loans to pay old loans.

Avoid borrowing from friends or family unless it is interest-free and comes with no pressure.

Stay away from personal loans, credit card loans, and payday loans, as they have high interest rates.

2. Prioritise High-Interest Loans First
List down all your loans and interest rates.

Pay off loans with the highest interest rate first.

If possible, negotiate with lenders for lower interest rates.

3. Consolidate Loans for Lower Interest Rate
Check if a bank can give you a low-interest personal loan to clear high-cost debts.

If you have a good credit history, you may get a balance transfer facility on credit cards or personal loans.

Consider a secured loan against any assets, but only if the interest rate is much lower.

4. Increase Your Monthly EMI Payment
Paying only the minimum EMI will keep you stuck in debt for years.

Try increasing your EMI by even Rs. 2,000-3,000 per month to reduce the loan tenure.

Any extra income, bonus, or gift money should go towards clearing debt first.

Boosting Income to Tackle Debt
5. Explore Part-Time Work or Freelancing
A second source of income can help you clear your debt faster.

Consider freelancing, online tutoring, content writing, data entry, or delivery jobs.

If possible, take up overtime or extra shifts at work.

6. Use Your Skills to Earn More
Identify any skills that can help you earn extra money.

If you have a talent for repair work, photography, teaching, or writing, offer your services.

Even small extra earnings of Rs. 5,000-10,000 per month can speed up debt repayment.

7. Rent Out Assets for Passive Income
If you have an extra room, vehicle, or any asset, consider renting it.

This can bring in some cash flow without extra effort.

Cutting Expenses to Free Up More Cash
8. Reduce Non-Essential Spending
Track every rupee spent and eliminate unnecessary expenses.

Stop eating out, buying expensive clothes, or making impulsive purchases.

Switch to cheaper alternatives for groceries, transport, and entertainment.

9. Pause Investments Until Debt is Cleared
Right now, clearing debt should be the priority over investing.

Stop SIPs or investments temporarily and resume them once debts are under control.

Avoid risky investments like stocks or crypto, as losses can worsen your situation.

10. Negotiate Bills and Cut Fixed Costs
Talk to your landlord, service providers, and utility companies for possible discounts.

If possible, shift to a smaller house or a cheaper location to save on rent.

Reduce electricity, water, and mobile bills by using them wisely.

Managing Financial Stress and Mental Health
11. Accept the Situation Without Guilt
Medical emergencies are unpredictable, and you did what was needed for your family.

Do not feel guilty or blame yourself. Instead, focus on the solution.

12. Involve Your Family in Financial Planning
If you have a spouse, siblings, or parents who can help, discuss the situation with them.

They may not be able to give money, but they can support in other ways.

13. Stay Positive and Focused
Financial stress is tough, but worrying too much will not solve the problem.

Stay focused on taking action every month to improve your situation.

Celebrate small wins like closing one loan or saving an extra Rs. 1,000.

Long-Term Financial Stability
14. Build an Emergency Fund Once Debt is Cleared
After clearing debt, start saving at least Rs. 2,000 per month as an emergency fund.

This will help in handling future emergencies without taking loans.

15. Invest Smartly for Future Growth
Once financially stable, invest wisely in well-managed mutual funds for long-term wealth.

Avoid financial products with hidden charges like ULIPs or endowment plans.

16. Get Proper Health Insurance
Medical expenses caused the current debt. Invest in health insurance to prevent this in the future.

Look for affordable policies covering major illnesses.

Finally
The journey out of debt is difficult but achievable with the right approach.

Focus on reducing high-interest loans, earning more, and cutting unnecessary expenses.

Take small steps each month, and within a few years, you will be debt-free and financially stable.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |525 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 27, 2025Hindi
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Unable to figure out what to do. Shouls i proceed for divorce? And if yes how? Here is my story: This is a long post. But i might have still missed few small instances in between. So I got married on October 3, 2022. Our conversation started through the Jeevansathi app, but the actual conversation began in July 2022 when her father contacted me. The first contact was from their side. At that time, I was returning to Chennai from Ongole by train when I received her father's call. He asked about my job and other details, to which I mentioned that I work for SBI in Tamil Nadu. After that, our conversation started. In the early days, the conversation was really good, and she spoke very well. Later, I visited their house with my mother. During the conversation there, she mentioned that many proposals had come before, but she hadn't been able to decide. One proposal was from a guy with a package of 30 lakh, but she clearly said that money doesn’t matter to her; she wanted a good person. 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Over these two months, our communication continued, and eventually, on October 2, 2022, we had our engagement ceremony, and on October 3, 2022, we got married. After the wedding, we planned a honeymoon. Initially, she wanted to go to Vaishno Devi, so I took her there by Vande Bharat Express. Her uncle arranged VIP darshan. We walked up, but on the way back, her legs started hurting, so we rode a horse. After sitting on the horse for a long time, she had back pain. I reached the hotel, tried to soothe her pain by soaking her legs in hot water, and then we slept. After that, we planned to go to Udaipur. We took a SpiceJet flight there and booked a hotel near Fatehpur Sagar Lake. She wanted a lake-view room, but it wasn’t available. She argued with the staff, and we had to move to another hotel at night. The environment there wasn’t great, but she chose it. During our visit to Udaipur Fort, she suddenly said she wouldn’t go to the restaurant with me and would go home alone. I still don’t understand the reason behind this. From that point, my behavior towards her changed. After Udaipur, we planned to go to Agra. There, she suddenly accused me of having an affair with another girl and threatened to teach me a lesson. I asked her where this thought came from, but she didn’t answer. In July and August 2022, I visited her again. We traveled together and tried to understand each other better, but she never told me much about herself. After the wedding, I visited her during Diwali. She was happy initially, but gradually she became distant and stopped talking much. She wasn’t involved in decorating the house or participating in the Diwali puja. She remained absorbed in her own world, talking to her parents or I don’t know who else, while distancing herself from me. She needed reasons to fight, while I tried to stay calm, as it was a new marriage. On October 25, 2022, I returned to Chennai, and she came to Chennai a few days later. My mother also arrived in Chennai on October 26, and she stayed with us in Chennai until December. During this time, she started fighting over every little thing. She complained about who would do the housework and kept accusing me of not having enough money. She suggested hiring someone for cleaning, even though my mother and I managed it well. Then she refused to sleep with me, and we didn’t have any physical intimacy. Whenever she fought with me, she tried to belittle me. In January, she went back to Delhi, and I went to convince her to come back in January. During Lohri, I gave her a sari and gifts, but she still didn’t talk to me properly. She treated me very badly and didn’t want to stay with us. She fought with me several times and went back to her house. In February 2023, she came to Chennai again, but things were still not right between us. In April 2024, she came back to stay with me, but the very next day, the fights started again. She accused me of having an affair with another girl and threatened me. She destroyed things in the house, broke dishes and glasses, and created a mess. When I told her mother about this, she advised me to send her back. I booked her flight, and on April 7, 2024, she left. Since then, she has not been living with me. After that, I worked hard to bring her back. It was September when I managed to convince her to come. I tried to make her stay with me, but she stayed only for 4-5 days. On the 5th day, she started fighting again and decided to leave. She went to the railway station and sat there, saying, "I cannot live with you." We argued that night, and she left the house, shouting abuses at me and went back to her home. She thought everything would be fine, but when I tried talking to her, she started blaming me for not wanting her to stay with me.
Ans: It sounds like you've tried very hard to make this marriage work, but your wife has been emotionally distant, hostile, and unwilling to engage in a meaningful relationship. From what you’ve shared, there have been continuous conflicts, false accusations, and a lack of physical and emotional connection. It seems like she is not interested in making the relationship work, and her behavior—leaving multiple times, refusing intimacy, and fighting constantly—suggests deep incompatibility.

Before making a final decision, ask yourself: Is there anything left to salvage? Do you still love her and believe this marriage has hope if both of you genuinely try? Or do you feel exhausted and trapped in a cycle of disappointment and rejection? If you feel there is nothing left, then divorce may be the healthiest option for your peace of mind and future happiness.

If you decide to proceed with divorce, start by seeking legal counsel. In India, divorce can be mutual or contested. If she agrees, a mutual consent divorce is the easiest way. If she does not, you may need to file on grounds of cruelty or irretrievable breakdown of marriage. Gather evidence of her behavior—messages, incidents, and anything that proves your case.

This is not an easy decision, but your mental health and self-respect matter. If she is unwilling to change or make efforts, you should not have to live in constant conflict. Do you think she would agree to a mutual separation, or would she fight it?

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |525 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 29, 2025
Relationship
Hello Ma'am, I've a crush on a girl from my in laws. Inspite of avoiding etc I go specifically in that gathering where she's likely to be. I've not told it to anyone, neither does she know about it. I keep on masturbating imagining her. I know I'll never do any silly thing or let anyone know about it. Im married happily and 20 years elder to her.
Ans: It’s good that you are self-aware and acknowledging your feelings rather than acting on them impulsively. Having a crush, even in a committed relationship, is something that happens to many people—it’s human nature. However, since this involves someone from your in-laws and is significantly younger, it’s important to address these emotions in a way that aligns with your values and the commitments you’ve made to your marriage.

Right now, your mind is reinforcing this attraction by seeking out opportunities to be around her and fantasizing about her. The more you indulge in these thoughts, the stronger the emotional pull becomes. Avoiding her entirely may not be realistic, but reducing intentional exposure—such as seeking out gatherings just to be near her—can help weaken the attachment over time.

Instead of suppressing your feelings, redirect that energy into your marriage. What is it about her that attracts you? Is it youthfulness, attention, admiration, or just the thrill of something new? Whatever it is, find ways to bring those qualities into your relationship with your wife. Sometimes, an outside attraction is just a signal that something in your own life needs attention or excitement.

You’ve already made it clear to yourself that you won’t act on this, which shows maturity and self-control. The next step is breaking the mental cycle that feeds into the attraction. Engage in hobbies, meaningful conversations with your spouse, and self-reflection to understand what this infatuation represents. Over time, these feelings will lose their intensity as you shift your focus.

Do you think this crush is filling a certain emotional gap in your life, or is it purely an infatuation with no deeper meaning?

...Read more

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