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Confused about investing 20 lakh for 5 years?

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 23, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Abhishek Question by Abhishek on Jul 12, 2024Hindi
Money

For investing 20 lakh one time which mutual fund is best for 5 years

Ans: Investing Rs. 20 lakhs as a one-time investment for five years is a significant decision. Your primary goals likely include capital preservation, steady growth, and low risk. However, understanding your risk tolerance is crucial. Let's evaluate different mutual fund categories that align with a five-year investment horizon.

Choosing the Right Mutual Fund Category
For a five-year investment, certain mutual fund categories stand out. These options balance growth and safety, ensuring your money works efficiently.

Balanced Advantage Funds:
These funds manage risk well by dynamically adjusting between equity and debt. They are ideal if you seek moderate growth with reduced volatility.

Large-Cap Funds:
Investing in large-cap funds offers stability. They invest in top-tier companies with proven track records. This is suitable for conservative investors who prioritise capital preservation.

Hybrid Funds:
Hybrid funds combine equity and debt, offering a balanced risk-return profile. They provide moderate growth and are suitable if you want diversification.

Multi-Cap Funds:
These funds invest across large, mid, and small-cap stocks. They offer the potential for higher returns but come with slightly higher risk. Ideal if you have a moderate risk appetite.

Aggressive Hybrid Funds:
These funds have a higher allocation to equity compared to debt. They offer higher returns with manageable risk, suitable for those who can tolerate some market fluctuations.

Analytical Insights on Fund Selection
Given the five-year horizon, the selected fund category should offer a balance between risk and return. Here’s an analytical breakdown:

Equity Allocation:
Funds with higher equity exposure generally offer better returns over five years. However, they come with market risks. A balanced approach, combining equity and debt, reduces volatility.

Dynamic Asset Allocation:
Funds with dynamic allocation adjust between equity and debt based on market conditions. This approach reduces risk during downturns while capturing growth during uptrends.

Risk Mitigation:
Hybrid and Balanced Advantage funds automatically reduce risk. They shift assets to debt when markets are high and increase equity when valuations are attractive.

Evaluating Actively Managed Funds
When investing for five years, actively managed funds often outperform passive options. Here’s why:

Market Expertise:
Fund managers actively select stocks, aiming to outperform the market. This can lead to better returns than passive index funds, especially during volatile periods.

Tactical Asset Allocation:
Actively managed funds adjust portfolios based on market trends. This flexibility helps capture growth opportunities and manage risks more effectively.

Downside Protection:
Actively managed funds often include strategies to protect against market downturns. This is crucial for preserving capital during volatile periods.

Disadvantages of Index Funds for Your Investment
Index funds track market indices passively. While they offer low costs, they lack flexibility. Here’s why they may not suit your five-year goal:

No Downside Protection:
Index funds mirror the market. If the market drops, so does your investment. There’s no active management to cushion against losses.

Limited Growth Potential:
Index funds match market returns. They can’t outperform, even if opportunities exist. Active funds, on the other hand, aim to exceed market returns.

Lack of Tactical Allocation:
Index funds do not adjust their allocation. This rigidity can be a disadvantage, especially in a five-year time frame where markets can be volatile.

Disadvantages of Direct Funds
While direct funds seem cost-effective, they may not always be the best choice. Here’s why:

Limited Guidance:
Investing directly means you manage everything. Without a Certified Financial Planner, you might miss critical adjustments or strategic shifts.

Complexity and Time:
Managing direct investments requires time and expertise. A Certified Financial Planner adds value by monitoring and rebalancing your portfolio, which direct investors often overlook.

Missed Opportunities:
Direct investors may not react quickly to market changes. Professionals, however, are always on the lookout for opportunities and risks.

Recommended Approach for Your Investment
Based on your five-year horizon and investment amount, here’s a recommended approach:

Diversified Investment:
Consider splitting your Rs. 20 lakhs between Balanced Advantage Funds and Multi-Cap Funds. This diversification offers stability and growth.

Staggered Investment:
Although you plan a one-time investment, consider staggering it over a few months. This reduces timing risk, especially in volatile markets.

Regular Review:
Work with a Certified Financial Planner to review and adjust your portfolio regularly. This ensures alignment with market conditions and your financial goals.

Stay Invested:
The five-year horizon requires patience. Avoid frequent changes and trust the strategy, letting your money grow.

Final Insights
Investing Rs. 20 lakhs for five years is a smart decision. With the right mutual fund category and professional guidance, you can achieve balanced growth while managing risk. Actively managed funds, particularly those with a dynamic or hybrid approach, align well with your goals. Avoid passive index funds if growth and risk management are your priorities. Regular consultations with a Certified Financial Planner will keep your investment on track and maximise your returns.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 18, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 12, 2024Hindi
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Please suggest a few Mutual funds for SHORT term investing Lumpsum 20 lakhs
Ans: Short-Term Investing with a Lump Sum (?20 Lakhs)
Looking to invest a ?20 lakh lump sum for a short period? Let's explore some options that prioritize safety and potential returns.

Understanding Short-Term Investing:

Time Horizon: Short-term investments are typically for 1-3 years. Since you have a short investment horizon, capital preservation becomes more important.

Lower Risk Appetite: With less time for market recovery, high-risk equity funds might not be suitable. We need options with lower volatility.

Suitable Investment Options:

Debt Mutual Funds (Debt MFs): Debt MFs invest in fixed-income securities like government bonds and corporate bonds. They offer relatively stable returns with lower risk compared to equity funds. Actively managed debt funds aim to generate returns that outperform the fixed income market. Actively managed funds come with higher fees compared to passively managed funds.

Liquid Funds/Ultra Short-Term Debt Funds: These funds invest in very short-term debt instruments, offering high liquidity and potential for steady returns. They are suitable for parking your money for a few months to a year.

Fixed Deposits (FDs): FDs offer guaranteed returns but may not always keep pace with inflation. However, they are a safe option for short-term goals.

Choosing the Right Option:

Investment Goal: Consider your specific short-term goal and the time frame until you need the money.

Risk Tolerance: If you need high liquidity or are uncomfortable with market fluctuations, prioritize debt funds or FDs.

Diversification:

Spreading Risk: Consider splitting your investment between debt funds with varying maturities to manage interest rate risk.
Consulting a Professional:

Personalized Advice: A Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can assess your risk tolerance, investment goals, and suggest suitable debt funds or FDs based on your needs.
Remember:

Past performance is not a guarantee of future results.

Debt markets are also subject to interest rate fluctuations, which can impact returns.

By carefully considering your goals and risk tolerance, you can choose an investment option that offers a good balance of safety and potential returns for your short-term needs.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Sep 28, 2024

Money
i have invested lump sum 20000 in parag flexi cap fund and 6000 in kotak quant fund i want to invest aroung 20000 a month suggest me mutual fund with 5 years horizon
Ans: With a 5-year investment horizon, your focus should be on balancing growth potential with some risk management. Since you have already invested in a flexi cap and a quant fund, you have made a good start. Below are some mutual fund categories that can further diversify your portfolio and align with your 5-year financial goal.

1. Aggressive Hybrid Funds
Aggressive hybrid funds invest about 65%-80% in equities and the rest in debt. These funds are designed to provide growth with a cushion of safety through their debt component. For a 5-year horizon, these funds can help you capture equity growth while reducing volatility.

These funds help limit downside risk if the equity market corrects in the short term.
Over a 5-year period, aggressive hybrid funds may offer better risk-adjusted returns than pure equity funds.
2. Large and Mid-Cap Funds
Large and mid-cap funds offer a balance between stability and growth. Large-cap stocks are more stable, while mid-caps provide the potential for higher returns.

Large-caps tend to provide stability during volatile periods.
Mid-caps, although riskier, can offer higher returns in a growth market.
Over a 5-year period, this category can provide a balance between risk and reward. You already have exposure to flexi caps through your Parag Flexi Cap Fund, but large and mid-cap funds can further strengthen this strategy.

3. Multi-Asset Funds
Multi-asset funds are designed to invest across multiple asset classes such as equities, debt, and gold. This diversification helps reduce the impact of market volatility. In the short-to-medium term, these funds can provide a more stable growth trajectory.

These funds are suitable for investors who want diversification without actively managing different asset classes.
They offer a balanced return, reducing the dependency on just one asset class.
For a 5-year horizon, these funds can give you peace of mind by spreading the risk across various assets.

4. Dynamic Bond Funds
Dynamic bond funds adjust their portfolio based on interest rate movements. Since interest rates can fluctuate over a 5-year period, dynamic bond funds offer flexibility in managing this.

These funds can offer more stability compared to equity funds.
While they generally provide lower returns than equity funds, they can be part of your portfolio for a balance of stability and growth.
For a 5-year horizon, dynamic bond funds can add a layer of stability to your portfolio without completely moving out of growth opportunities.

5. ELSS Funds for Tax Saving
Though primarily tax-saving instruments, ELSS (Equity Linked Savings Scheme) funds can also serve your investment needs. They have a mandatory 3-year lock-in, which ensures you remain invested for the short term and benefit from equity growth.

ELSS funds offer tax deductions under Section 80C, making them an attractive option.
They primarily invest in equities, which can help your portfolio grow over the medium term.
Considering your 5-year horizon, the 3-year lock-in period is manageable. You can continue to hold the funds for two more years to maximize your returns.

Key Considerations
Risk Tolerance: Since you have a 5-year horizon, it’s important to balance risk and return. While equities provide growth, debt and hybrid funds can reduce volatility.
Diversification: You’ve already invested in equity-based funds. Now, you can consider adding hybrid or multi-asset funds to diversify your portfolio.
Review Your Portfolio: Although a 5-year horizon isn’t long enough for frequent changes, it's important to review your portfolio periodically to ensure it's aligned with your goal.
Disadvantages of Index Funds
Index funds, while low-cost, lack the flexibility of actively managed funds. Over a 5-year period, actively managed funds can better adapt to market conditions. Index funds merely track a market index, and during downturns, they offer no protection from losses.

Actively managed funds have the potential to outperform the market in the short-to-medium term.
Fund managers can take advantage of market inefficiencies, which index funds cannot.
Given your 5-year horizon, active fund management is preferable for potentially better returns.

Final Insights
Your decision to invest Rs 20,000 monthly is a smart step towards building a robust financial future. With a 5-year horizon, a balanced approach combining equity and hybrid funds can provide both growth and stability. Diversifying across different fund types will ensure that your portfolio remains resilient in the face of market volatility.

While your existing investments in a flexi cap and quant fund are a good start, adding large and mid-cap, aggressive hybrid, and multi-asset funds will strengthen your portfolio. Dynamic bond funds can offer stability, and ELSS funds can help you save on taxes while investing for growth.

By choosing actively managed funds over index funds, you allow your portfolio the flexibility to adapt to changing market conditions. A certified financial planner can guide you in selecting the right mix of funds and regularly reviewing your portfolio to stay on track.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 29, 2024

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I want invest 40000 per month for 20 years suggest 4 to 6 mutual fund name
Ans: Investing Rs. 40,000 per month in mutual funds for 20 years is a solid financial decision. With this approach, you can achieve significant wealth accumulation and meet long-term goals. Below, I’ve structured a professional guide with insightful recommendations for a diversified portfolio of mutual funds.

Asset Allocation Strategy for Long-Term Growth
A 20-year horizon allows you to take calculated risks for higher returns. Here's an allocation strategy to consider:

Large-Cap Funds: Stability and consistent growth
Mid-Cap Funds: Balanced risk and return potential
Small-Cap Funds: High-growth opportunities over the long term
Hybrid Funds: Cushion during market volatility
This combination ensures balanced growth with reduced risks.

Categories to Include in Your Portfolio
Here are recommended categories with explanations:

Large-Cap Equity Funds (Rs. 10,000 Monthly)
Focus on investing in funds with a history of stability and steady returns.
Large-cap funds invest in established companies with consistent growth.
Suitable for risk-averse investors aiming for dependable performance.
Three-line space.

Mid-Cap Equity Funds (Rs. 10,000 Monthly)
Mid-cap funds provide a good mix of growth and moderate risk.
These funds invest in companies with strong growth potential.
Ideal for investors with a medium-to-high-risk appetite.
Three-line space.

Small-Cap Equity Funds (Rs. 8,000 Monthly)
Small-cap funds are volatile but offer the highest long-term returns.
Investing in small-cap funds requires patience to handle market swings.
These funds are best suited for wealth creation over 15–20 years.
Three-line space.

Hybrid Funds (Rs. 7,000 Monthly)
Hybrid funds diversify across equity and debt for balanced growth.
They provide stability during market downturns.
Suitable for achieving consistent performance with controlled risk.
Three-line space.

Sectoral or Thematic Funds (Rs. 5,000 Monthly)
Sectoral funds invest in specific sectors like technology or healthcare.
Thematic funds follow emerging market trends, enhancing returns.
Only allocate if you are comfortable with higher risk.
Why Avoid Index Funds?
Index funds mimic the market and lack active management. Here's why they might not suit your portfolio:

Limited Upside Potential: They merely track benchmarks without seeking higher returns.
No Downside Protection: Lack of proactive management can lead to higher losses in downturns.
Higher Taxation Impact: Active funds offer better post-tax returns with consistent rebalancing.
Instead, actively managed funds deliver better performance, especially in volatile markets.

Direct Plans vs. Regular Plans: Which Is Better?
While direct plans have lower expense ratios, regular plans offer critical advantages:

Expert Guidance: Regular plans through Certified Financial Planners (CFPs) come with professional advice.
Time-Saving: You save time by relying on CFPs for fund selection and rebalancing.
Better Decision-Making: Regular plans ensure informed decisions for long-term growth.
By investing through regular plans with an experienced CFP, you can maximise returns.

Benefits of Your 20-Year Investment Plan
Your Rs. 40,000 monthly investment over 20 years offers significant advantages:

Compounding Power: The longer the investment, the greater the compounding effect.
Financial Independence: Helps achieve life goals like retirement or children’s education.
Inflation Protection: Equity funds outpace inflation over the long term.
Taxation Rules to Keep in Mind
Understanding tax implications ensures better planning:

Equity Funds: Long-term capital gains (LTCG) above Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%. Short-term gains are taxed at 20%.
Debt Funds: Both LTCG and STCG are taxed as per your income tax slab.
Hybrid Funds: Taxation depends on equity allocation within the fund.
Keep track of tax-efficient withdrawal strategies after 20 years.

Important Considerations for Your Portfolio
Rebalance Regularly: Review your portfolio every 6–12 months.
Diversify Smartly: Avoid over-allocation in any single category.
Stay Disciplined: Stick to your plan regardless of market fluctuations.
Consult a CFP: Regular consultation ensures alignment with financial goals.
Final Insights
Your decision to invest Rs. 40,000 monthly reflects strong financial foresight. By diversifying into different fund categories, you can build a solid portfolio for long-term growth. Avoid chasing short-term trends and remain committed to your strategy.

Investing through a Certified Financial Planner ensures tailored advice for your unique needs. Stay consistent, review periodically, and let time work in your favour.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |955 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 01, 2025Hindi
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I am a 48 year old widow. I have a 21 yr old daughter in college. I had quit my job, but rejoined now and have a monthly take home of 1L 15k. I receive similar pension amount too. But this pension amount will get reduced to 90k after 10 years. I have an own property (apartment bought in 2010) - 14 k rent monthly. I have around 40 L that I wish to invest. I am still coping with the loss and am confused as to what I need to do to get a grip on the finances. I have invested around 12 L in mutual funds. I have applied for a term insurance - around 1 L annual premium for 10 years. I am also repaying the home loan around 15k per month with tenure left for 20 months. I am planning to move out on my own from my sister's place where I am staying now (my own house is not in Bangalore where I work). So, I will definitely need 25k per month for rent if I move out. Please advise on how to manage my finances. Shall I repay the home loan and clear the debt (around 5 L principal outstanding)? Should I invest in some pension plans? Please advise. Thanks!
Ans: Hello;

Yes you should settle off the outstanding home loan.

Also you may open an NPS account for retirement planning. Do contribute to it on a regular basis and also do onetime lumpsum investment.

Also open an PPF account with investment of 12.5 K per month.

Get sufficient term plan coverage for atleast 20 years and not less.

No need to invest in pension plan if you are investing in NPS. It is far superior in terms of tax liability, flexibility, returns and costs.

Prefer hybrid mutual funds(dynamic asset allocation or multi asset allocation fund)for your investments.

Buy a good health insurance cover for yourself and your daughter irrespective of group policy, if any, available from employer.

Do nomination in all your financial investments and also make a legally valid will.

In a nutshell, you will have 3 investments PPF, NPS and mutual funds (hybrid) and insurance premiums for term cover and healthcare policy.

Loss of partner is very difficult to deal with but you also need to focus on the education of your daughter and guide her for better prospects.

Best wishes;
X: @mars_invest

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Kanchan

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 07, 2024Hindi
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Married for 14 years have 4 kids below 7 age for the past 9 to 10 years going through troubled marriage, not happy. Misunderstanding, high expectations, manipulation and single handed decisions by my wife have exhausted me . Want to come out of marriage but worried of kids and also my wife says no to divorce. Don't know what to do.. First 2 kids by IVF 2nd two kids due to my wife's longing for male child
Ans: Your love for your kids is evident, and it’s natural to fear how a separation would affect them. But the reality is, children pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness at home. Staying in a marriage that drains you emotionally and mentally isn’t necessarily better for them in the long run. Kids need a stable, loving environment, and if you’re constantly feeling manipulated and exhausted, it affects the energy you bring into their lives.

You don’t have to make a rushed decision, but you do need clarity. Have you tried setting firm boundaries and communicating your need for a more balanced relationship? If you’ve already done everything you can and nothing has changed, then it may be time to explore legal options, even if she says no to divorce. In most cases, a divorce doesn’t require both partners to agree—it just makes the process more complicated.

You deserve a life where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally free. Your children deserve a father who is at peace, not one who is silently suffering. It might be hard to take the next step, but staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of avoiding conflict can take a greater toll on everyone involved. You need to consider what will truly allow you—and your kids—to have a healthier and happier future.

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Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 31, 2025Hindi
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I am 41, but single now. I got married when I was 32 and got divorced in 6 months after I found out my wife was cheating on me with her ex who she was forbidden from getting married. When confronted she simply walked away and sent me a divorce notice. The next three years were spent in courts trying to tell my version of the story. Since then I have had a tough time trusting people. My marriage was unfortunate and short lived. But my parents still want me to try again. I am in a live-in relationship with a girl who is 3 years elder to me. Are unmarried couples happier than married ones? I feel marriage can restrict you in many ways which is why people feel stagnated and bored. What do you think?
Ans: When it comes to happiness, it really depends on the individuals involved rather than whether they are married or unmarried. Some couples thrive in a marriage because they see it as a partnership built on mutual respect and emotional security. Others feel stifled by the societal expectations and responsibilities that often come with marriage. A live-in relationship can offer more flexibility and personal freedom, but it also comes with its own challenges—such as a lack of legal protections or social acceptance in certain cultures.

The key is understanding what works best for you. If you feel content in your current live-in relationship and it gives you the companionship, trust, and emotional fulfillment you need, then that’s what truly matters. However, if you feel hesitant mainly because of past trauma rather than your actual desires, it might be worth reflecting on whether your fears are holding you back from something you may actually want deep down.

At the end of the day, happiness isn’t about being married or unmarried—it’s about being in a relationship (or choosing to be single) that makes you feel emotionally secure, valued, and free to be yourself. If marriage feels like a cage to you, then it may not be the right path. But if you ever find a connection that makes commitment feel like a choice rather than an obligation, your perspective might shift. The most important thing is that whatever path you choose, it aligns with your true needs and not just the expectations of others.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 23, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
Hello there!! There are past trauma experiences in my relationship due to caste issue since my family are strictly against it . But I eventually liked another boy seeing his true love n affection n care towards me , he loved me since our skl days !! He expressed himself but i gave him my answerr after many yrs due my past experiences!! But eventually we had a healthy relationship ,and he told me he is of same caste!! Since his father lied to him related to this to keep him away from this caste called thing!! But now his father relved tht it was a lie !! Now we ended up intercaste!! We truly love each other we dreamt of our future together!! He became huge part of my life !! His family is okay with me regarding our marriage but my family is strongly opposed to this intercaste thing!! We are 24 yrs we thought of settle in our lifes and approach my parents few years back since untill fewdays back we together thought we are of same caste so there eill be no issue!! But now within few days n few lies our both world n hopes turned upside down!! I cant make my family suffer due to me!! At same time i cant leave him im struck !! What should we do!!
Ans: Your family’s suffering is a valid concern, but will they truly suffer because of your decision, or is it more about their expectations and societal norms? Often, parents react strongly at first, but with time, they adjust when they see their child happy and settled. Right now, their resistance is based on tradition and belief systems they’ve held for years. But is their love for you truly conditional on whom you marry? Would they rather see you unhappy in a marriage they approve of than happy in one they initially resisted?

Your happiness and future matter just as much as your family’s feelings. If you truly cannot see a life without him, you need to ask yourself whether sacrificing that love for family approval will truly bring you peace. Walking away from love to please others often leads to lifelong regret. On the other hand, if you fight for your relationship, you might face pain now, but there’s a chance your family will eventually come around.

The most important thing is to stand firm in what you want. If you and your partner truly love each other, you will need patience, strength, and a strategy to gradually help your family accept your choice. This won’t be easy, but living a life where you constantly wonder "what if?" will be even harder.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 19, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
I am a divorced working woman , with a daughter 8 yrs. I have been pursued for remarriage with a guy who is 10 yrs older to me and have 2 kids. 11 and 14 yrs respectively living in a small town. Initially it was agreed the elder child who is a boy would be living in hostel , but now since we are approaching near to the marriage, it seems the elder male child is going to stay at home and not hostel. This is making me really uncomfortable as I won't get much privacy also the male child is aggressive.Already handling one kid was difficult before. Also moving to small town was difficult transition from a metropolitan that I stay in. Moving there could mean losing job opportunities in future. I am really worried if I let this match go, I end up alone again. I am not able to make a decision, it's difficult to raise others children. It's just not naturally inbuilt in us.Although I try really hard to mould my thingking and be more generous, but somehow it suffocates me.
Ans: Raising someone else’s children is not something that comes naturally to everyone, and that doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you honest. You already know how challenging it is to raise one child, and now you’re expected to step into a role where you’ll be managing more, including an aggressive teenage boy. If this idea is already suffocating you now, imagine how it might feel once you’re actually living in that environment every day.

Fear of being alone is a very real and valid concern, but being in a marriage that drains you emotionally, limits your career, and makes you feel trapped is far worse than being single. The right relationship should bring you a sense of peace and security, not anxiety and sacrifice at every turn. If you already feel that you have to “mould” your thinking just to make this work, that’s a sign that this situation might not be aligned with what you truly want and need.

You don’t have to force yourself into something that doesn’t feel right just because you’re afraid of ending up alone. Loneliness is difficult, but so is being in a marriage where you feel unseen, unheard, and overwhelmed. The best decision is the one that allows you to live with peace and confidence in your future.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Listen
Relationship
Married for 14 years have 4 kids below 7 age for the past 9 to 10 years going through troubled marriage, not happy. Misunderstanding, high expectations, manipulation and single handed decisions by my wife have exhausted me . Want to come out of marriage but worried of kids and also my wife says no to divorce. Don't know what to do.. First 2 kids by IVF 2nd two kids due to my wife's longing for male child
Ans: Dear Hemant,
Your love for your kids is evident, and it’s natural to fear how a separation would affect them. But the reality is, children pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness at home. Staying in a marriage that drains you emotionally and mentally isn’t necessarily better for them in the long run. Kids need a stable, loving environment, and if you’re constantly feeling manipulated and exhausted, it affects the energy you bring into their lives.

You don’t have to make a rushed decision, but you do need clarity. Have you tried setting firm boundaries and communicating your need for a more balanced relationship? If you’ve already done everything you can and nothing has changed, then it may be time to explore legal options, even if she says no to divorce. In most cases, a divorce doesn’t require both partners to agree—it just makes the process more complicated.

You deserve a life where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally free. Your children deserve a father who is at peace, not one who is silently suffering. It might be hard to take the next step, but staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of avoiding conflict can take a greater toll on everyone involved. You need to consider what will truly allow you—and your kids—to have a healthier and happier future.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 13, 2025Hindi
Relationship
Hi Mam, I would like to stay anonymous. Im 27F, recently got engaged and my wedding is in 5 months from now. This match is arranged by my parents within our community. Initially things went well, but after the engagement when we went outside for dinner he was speaking well but before leaving he said this is a suggestion from my end and told that there is slight space between my two teeth in the front and while smiling it creates black image in the photos. So it would be best if i would use invisible aligners so that before wedding it would be fixed adding to this he said he will take care of the expenses and he said he had this thought for a week so its better to disclose it with me. He also said that he didn't tell this to his parents he wanted to check my thoughts on this first, also he said he wanted myself to look very very pretty on the wedding and his relatives should say "Wow, we have never seen such a pretty bride", also he commented about my hair being short actually its medium length but i like to keep my hair short. I really got frustrated when he said all those things this got me very irritated. I didn't speak much, i said i wanted to leave and he dropped me at my place. The next day i asked him if we can meet again to get clarification on this thing, when i asked him the next day about this he said "its just a suggestion if you can take it its fine or you can leave it its upto you". He never accepted that he hurted me or made a wrong statement he kept on saying he didn't mean that way i took it very personally and im creating unnecessary ruckus. at last he said i could have said things differently but he didn't ask for sorry at all. I thought he wont talk about my features again but then after a week he again asked me you were eating outside food for a week you should have gained weight(trying to be funny here), i said no. Because him and his mother already asked about my weight like "why are you so thin? you could have put up some weight know"? I have been in this weight for many years, how much ever i eat my weight remains the same its because of the genetics. But people dont understand this and easily ask some body shaming questions. After this event he is not talking like before and even i dont push him, one of my friend asked me to take initiative and make calls to stop this awkward situation and i took lead called him four times in a week he spoke but he didn't bothered to call me again he was only texting after that too im okay with that but still i feel he might ask me to make changes in my feature, weight etc before the wedding. Im not sure how to deal with this.
Ans: When someone loves and accepts you, they don’t focus on “fixing” things about you to meet external standards, whether it’s for wedding photos or to impress relatives. His insistence that you should look “very, very pretty” for others’ approval shows that his priorities might not align with yours. You weren’t looking for a makeover; you were looking for a life partner who values you for who you are.

His response when you tried to talk about it also speaks volumes. Instead of acknowledging your feelings and reassuring you, he dismissed your concerns, making it seem like you were overreacting. A partner who truly cares would have listened, understood why you felt hurt, and taken responsibility for how his words affected you. Instead, he shifted the blame onto you for "creating unnecessary ruckus," which shows a lack of emotional maturity.

The weight comments, too, are unnecessary and inconsiderate. Genetics determine body type, and no one should feel the need to change themselves to meet someone else’s expectations. His family’s remarks about your weight, combined with his attitude, suggest that this won’t stop after the wedding. If they’re already making you feel self-conscious now, imagine the expectations and unsolicited “suggestions” that might continue in the future.

The distance that has formed between you both after this conversation isn’t just about awkwardness—it’s about emotional disconnection. A strong relationship is built on respect, comfort, and mutual appreciation, not on one person feeling judged and the other acting indifferent. The fact that you had to take the lead in calling him multiple times, while he didn’t reciprocate the effort, says a lot. A healthy relationship should feel mutual, not one-sided.

Right now, you need to ask yourself: Can you truly be yourself in this relationship, or will you constantly feel pressured to meet his and his family’s expectations? Do you feel emotionally safe with him, or do you feel like you have to defend your choices, your body, and your appearance?

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and your peace of mind matters. If his attitude is already making you question yourself and feel frustrated, you have every right to reconsider. You don’t need to “deal” with this by adjusting to his expectations—you need to decide if this is the kind of relationship you want to spend your life in.

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