Home > Money > Question
Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |4140 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 28, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - May 27, 2024Hindi
Listen
Money

Iam 40 yrs, My Net salary per month is 2,10000 , and Home loan Emi's total is 87k, My monthly savings towards SIP is 7.5k. Could you please advice me on creating corpus for retirement and child education planning for 2 kids 11 yrs son and 3 yrs daughter.

Ans: Understanding Your Financial Situation
You have a monthly net salary of Rs. 2,10,000, with home loan EMIs totaling Rs. 87,000. Your current SIP investment is Rs. 7,500 monthly. Your goal is to create a corpus for retirement and child education planning. You have two children: an 11-year-old son and a 3-year-old daughter. Let's discuss strategies to achieve your goals.

Evaluating Current Savings and Expenses
You are already saving Rs. 7,500 per month through SIPs, which is a positive step towards building your financial future. Considering your home loan EMIs, your net disposable income after loan repayment is Rs. 1,23,000. It is essential to manage this amount efficiently to meet your retirement and children's education goals.

Retirement Planning
Retirement planning requires a systematic and disciplined approach. You need to estimate the corpus required to maintain your lifestyle post-retirement. Assume retirement age as 60 and plan for at least 20-25 years post-retirement. Factor in inflation, healthcare costs, and lifestyle changes. Based on these considerations, let's create a step-by-step plan.

Assess Your Retirement Needs: Determine the monthly expenses you will need post-retirement. Consider inflation and increasing healthcare costs.

Current Savings Evaluation: Assess your current savings and investments. Include provident fund, gratuity, and any other retirement benefits you might receive.

Investment Strategy: Increase your SIP contributions gradually. Diversify your investments across equity, debt, and hybrid funds. Equity funds provide higher returns, while debt funds offer stability.

Regular Monitoring: Periodically review and rebalance your portfolio. Adjust investments based on market conditions and life changes.

Child Education Planning
Planning for your children's education is crucial. The costs of education are rising, and starting early will help you build a sufficient corpus. Here's how you can approach it:

Estimate Education Costs: Calculate the future cost of education for both children. Consider higher education costs and inflation rates.

Separate Education Fund: Create a dedicated education fund for each child. Start SIPs in mutual funds that align with the education timeline.

Investment Choices: For long-term goals, equity mutual funds are ideal. For medium-term goals, consider a mix of equity and debt funds.

Insurance Coverage: Ensure you have adequate life and health insurance coverage. This secures your children's future in case of any unforeseen events.

Budgeting and Saving More
Increasing your monthly savings will significantly impact your retirement and education corpus. Here are some tips to enhance your savings:

Expense Management: Track and manage your monthly expenses. Identify non-essential expenditures and reduce them.

Increase SIP Contributions: Gradually increase your SIP investments as your income grows. Even small increments can make a big difference over time.

Bonus and Windfalls: Use bonuses, increments, or any windfall gains to invest in your SIPs or other long-term investment options.

Role of Certified Financial Planner
A Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can provide professional guidance tailored to your specific needs. They can help you create a comprehensive financial plan, select suitable investment options, and monitor your progress. Regular consultations with a CFP ensure you stay on track to meet your financial goals.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Actively managed funds offer several advantages over index funds. Fund managers actively make investment decisions to outperform the market. These funds can adapt to market changes and capitalize on opportunities, potentially providing higher returns. By investing through a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) with CFP credentials, you gain access to professional advice and expertise, ensuring better fund selection and management.

Avoiding Real Estate and Annuities
Real estate can be an illiquid and high-maintenance investment. Instead, focus on financial assets like mutual funds, which offer liquidity, diversification, and professional management. Annuities are generally inflexible and come with high fees. Mutual funds provide more flexibility and potential for growth.

Conclusion
You are on the right path with your current SIP investments. By increasing your savings, managing expenses, and choosing the right investment options, you can achieve your retirement and child education goals. Regularly consult with a Certified Financial Planner to ensure your financial plan stays on track.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
Money

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |4140 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 17, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 30, 2024Hindi
Listen
Money
Me and my wife have a corpus of 45 lakhs invested in various MFs and currently doing SIPs of 65000 pm in large/mid and small segments. Apart from that very negligible amount is invested in PPF (3lakhs). I am 43 and my wife is 42 yrs old and have 2 child(11 yrs amd 5 yrs). What is the best way to create a corpus of 1 cr for their education needs in around 8- 10 years and saving for my retirement. Obligation 66 lakhs home loan going on with emi of 54000 pm. Kindly suggest
Ans: Creating a Robust Financial Plan for Education and Retirement

Congratulations on your disciplined approach towards savings and investments. Your commitment to securing a financial future for your family is commendable. Let's assess your current situation and explore strategies to create a corpus of ?1 crore for your children's education and plan for your retirement.

Current Financial Situation
Corpus in Mutual Funds: ?45 lakhs
Monthly SIPs: ?65,000 in large, mid, and small-cap segments
PPF Investment: ?3 lakhs
Home Loan: ?66 lakhs with an EMI of ?54,000 per month
Children's Ages: 11 and 5 years
Goals
Education Corpus: ?1 crore in 8-10 years
Retirement Planning
Education Planning Strategy
Assessing the Required Investment
To achieve ?1 crore in 8-10 years, you need a strategic investment approach. Mutual funds, particularly those with a strong track record, can help achieve this goal.

Diversification and Allocation
Equity Mutual Funds
Equity funds are ideal for long-term goals due to their potential for high returns. Given your timeline, a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and multi-cap funds would be prudent. These funds provide a balance of stability and growth.

Balanced Advantage Funds
These funds adjust their allocation between equity and debt based on market conditions. They offer growth potential with lower volatility, suitable for medium to long-term goals.

Debt Mutual Funds
As you approach your goal, gradually shifting a portion of your corpus to debt funds can help preserve capital. Debt funds are less volatile and provide stable returns.

Suggested Investment Allocation
Continue Existing SIPs
Maintain your current SIPs of ?65,000 per month in large, mid, and small-cap funds. These segments offer diversification and growth potential.

Increase SIP Amount Gradually
As your income grows, consider increasing your SIP amount. Even a small increase can significantly impact your corpus over time.

Separate Education Fund
Open a separate investment account dedicated to your children's education. Allocate a portion of your SIPs specifically towards this goal.

Retirement Planning Strategy
Review and Realign
Assess Current Investments
Review your current mutual fund investments. Ensure they are aligned with your long-term retirement goals. A mix of equity and balanced advantage funds can provide growth and stability.

Public Provident Fund (PPF)
Although your PPF investment is currently negligible, consider increasing contributions. PPF offers tax benefits and guaranteed returns, making it a safe and effective long-term investment.

Regular Monitoring
Regularly review your portfolio. Rebalance it to maintain the desired asset allocation and risk profile. Consulting a certified financial planner (CFP) can provide personalized guidance.

Home Loan Management
Balancing EMI and Investments
EMI Affordability
Your home loan EMI is significant at ?54,000 per month. Ensure this does not compromise your ability to invest for future goals. Balancing EMI payments with investments is crucial.

Prepayment Strategy
Consider making periodic prepayments on your home loan. Reducing your loan principal can save on interest and shorten the loan tenure. Ensure this does not affect your investment capacity for education and retirement.

Conclusion
Achieving ?1 crore for your children's education in 8-10 years and planning for retirement is feasible with a strategic approach. Continue your disciplined SIP investments, consider increasing your PPF contributions, and regularly review and rebalance your portfolio. Managing your home loan effectively will also play a critical role. Consulting a certified financial planner can provide tailored advice and ensure your financial goals are met efficiently.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |4140 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 10, 2024

Money
Hello Sir, I am an salaried professional, 44 yrs, with monthly income of 2.3L. I have a home loan with EMI of 70k and remaining tenure of 13 yrs. Current investments are 41L in PF, 9L in PPF, 10L balance in savings, 3L in stocks. Almost 80K savings per month after deducing everything required. I want to build a retirement plan fund and fund for child education(25L in next 4 yrs). Please suggest.
Ans: Thank you for sharing your financial details with me. Your current financial position is commendable, and you have a clear focus on building a retirement fund and a fund for your child’s education. With a structured approach, we can create a robust plan that meets your goals.

Current Financial Overview
Your monthly income is Rs 2.3 lakhs, and you manage to save Rs 80,000 after all expenses. You have a home loan EMI of Rs 70,000 with a remaining tenure of 13 years. Your current investments are impressive:

Provident Fund (PF): Rs 41 lakhs

Public Provident Fund (PPF): Rs 9 lakhs

Savings Account: Rs 10 lakhs

Stocks: Rs 3 lakhs

Given this strong foundation, let's proceed with building a comprehensive financial plan.

Setting Financial Goals
Child’s Education Fund
You aim to accumulate Rs 25 lakhs for your child's education in the next four years. This is a short-term goal, so we need a low-risk investment strategy.

Retirement Fund
You also want to build a retirement corpus. Considering your age, you have around 16-20 years until retirement. This gives us a medium to long-term horizon, allowing for a mix of investment options.

Building the Child’s Education Fund
Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
One effective way to accumulate the education fund is through a Systematic Investment Plan (SIP) in mutual funds. SIPs allow you to invest a fixed amount regularly, helping in rupee-cost averaging and compounding.

To achieve Rs 25 lakhs in four years, you can start a SIP in debt mutual funds, which are relatively low-risk. Here’s an illustration:

Assuming a conservative annual return of 6%, you would need to invest approximately Rs 50,000 monthly. This calculation is based on the future value of a SIP investment.

Fixed Deposits (FDs)
Fixed Deposits (FDs) offer assured returns and are suitable for short-term goals. You could allocate a portion of your savings into FDs. FDs with cumulative interest options are beneficial as they compound interest over the tenure.

Recurring Deposits (RDs)
Recurring Deposits are another safe investment option. They allow you to save a fixed amount every month, and earn interest on it. RDs are ideal for disciplined saving towards short-term goals.

Equity Mutual Funds
While equity mutual funds are generally considered for long-term goals, including a small proportion in your child's education fund can provide higher returns. This approach is suitable if you have a moderate risk appetite. Allocate about 20% of the investment in equity mutual funds, focusing on large-cap funds to balance risk and return.

Building the Retirement Corpus
Equity Mutual Funds
For your retirement corpus, equity mutual funds are an excellent choice. They offer higher returns over the long term, albeit with higher risk. Given your time horizon, you can leverage the power of compounding.

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
Continuing with SIPs in equity mutual funds can help you build a substantial retirement corpus. Diversify your investments across large-cap, mid-cap, and multi-cap funds. This diversification helps in managing risk and optimizing returns.

Public Provident Fund (PPF)
You already have Rs 9 lakhs in PPF. Continue contributing to your PPF account as it offers tax benefits under Section 80C and assured returns. The lock-in period aligns well with your retirement goal.

Employee Provident Fund (EPF)
Your EPF is already substantial at Rs 41 lakhs. This should be continued as it provides a steady return and is a low-risk investment. EPF also offers tax benefits and compounds over time.

Investment Strategies
Asset Allocation
Asset allocation is crucial for balancing risk and returns. Given your age and financial goals, a 60:40 equity to debt ratio is advisable. As you near retirement, gradually shift towards more debt investments to preserve capital.

Regular Reviews
Regular reviews of your investment portfolio ensure it aligns with your goals. Adjustments may be needed based on market conditions and life changes. It is essential to stay informed and proactive.

Avoid Emotional Decisions
Investing should be a disciplined and emotion-free process. Avoid making impulsive decisions based on market volatility. Stick to your financial plan and make changes only after careful consideration.

Emergency Fund
Maintaining an emergency fund is vital. It ensures liquidity during unforeseen circumstances. Ideally, this fund should cover 6-12 months of expenses, including your EMI.

You have Rs 10 lakhs in your savings account. Ensure part of this amount is earmarked as an emergency fund. You can also park this fund in liquid mutual funds for better returns while maintaining liquidity.

Tax Planning
Efficient tax planning helps in maximizing your savings. Utilize Section 80C deductions fully by investing in PPF, EPF, and ELSS (Equity Linked Savings Scheme). ELSS funds have a lock-in period of three years and provide tax benefits along with equity returns.

Section 80D allows deductions for health insurance premiums. Ensure you have adequate health coverage for your family. Premiums paid towards health insurance policies can help in reducing your taxable income.

Child’s Education Fund: Investment Mix
Debt Mutual Funds
Debt mutual funds are suitable for your child’s education fund due to their lower risk compared to equity funds. They invest in fixed-income securities and offer steady returns.

Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana (SSY)
If you have a daughter, consider the Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana. It offers attractive interest rates and tax benefits. SSY is specifically designed for the education and marriage expenses of a girl child.

National Savings Certificate (NSC)
NSC is a government-backed savings scheme. It offers guaranteed returns and is a safe investment option. NSC investments are eligible for tax deductions under Section 80C.

Equity Mutual Funds
To potentially enhance returns, include equity mutual funds in the mix. Allocate about 20% of the total investment towards large-cap equity mutual funds. They provide growth potential with relatively lower risk compared to mid or small-cap funds. This helps in balancing safety and growth for the education fund.

Retirement Fund: Investment Mix
Equity-Linked Savings Scheme (ELSS)
ELSS funds provide the dual benefit of tax savings and equity returns. They have a mandatory lock-in period of three years, making them suitable for long-term investments.

National Pension System (NPS)
NPS is a retirement-focused investment option. It offers market-linked returns and tax benefits under Section 80CCD. NPS allows partial withdrawals for specific purposes like children’s education and buying a house.

Monitoring and Adjustments
Annual Portfolio Review
Review your investment portfolio annually. Assess the performance of your investments and make necessary adjustments. This helps in staying on track with your financial goals.

Rebalancing
Rebalancing involves realigning the weightings of your portfolio. It helps in maintaining your desired asset allocation. Rebalancing is essential to manage risk and optimize returns.

Risk Management
Insurance Coverage
Ensure you have adequate life and health insurance coverage. Term insurance provides financial protection to your family in case of an untimely demise. Health insurance covers medical expenses and safeguards your savings.

Diversification
Diversification reduces risk by spreading investments across different asset classes. It ensures that poor performance in one investment does not significantly impact your overall portfolio.

Building Wealth for the Long Term
Compounding
Compounding is a powerful tool in wealth creation. Start investing early and regularly to take advantage of compounding. Reinvesting returns helps in exponential growth of your investments.

Consistency
Consistency in investing is key to achieving financial goals. Regular investments, even in small amounts, contribute significantly over time. Avoid the temptation to time the market.

Behavioral Finance
Avoid Herd Mentality
Investing based on market trends or popular opinion can be detrimental. Make informed decisions based on your financial goals and risk tolerance. Consult with a Certified Financial Planner for personalized advice.

Discipline
Discipline in investing involves sticking to your financial plan. Avoid making changes based on short-term market fluctuations. Regular and disciplined investments yield better results over the long term.

Final Insights
Creating a financial plan requires careful consideration and discipline. By focusing on your child’s education and retirement, you can secure your family’s future. Start with a detailed plan and make regular investments. Monitor your progress and make adjustments as needed.

Your financial journey is unique, and personalized advice from a Certified Financial Planner can further enhance your strategy. Stay committed to your goals and enjoy the financial freedom you deserve.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |4140 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 25, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 17, 2024Hindi
Money
Hi sir, I am 29 years old and having 3 months old kid, working in IT earning 90k monthly and I have NPS of 5k. I have a personal loan of 14L and I pay 30k loan for it and monthly expenses is about 40k. I invest in mutual fund 15k. I am planning to have Corpus of 10cr in my 50s..can you help me to plan sir.
Ans: You're doing a great job balancing work and finances at 29, especially with a 3-month-old child. You're earning Rs. 90,000 per month, contributing Rs. 5,000 to NPS, and investing Rs. 15,000 in mutual funds. You also have a personal loan of Rs. 14 lakh with an EMI of Rs. 30,000 and monthly expenses of Rs. 40,000.

Understanding Your Financial Goals
You aim to build a corpus of Rs. 10 crore by your 50s. This goal is ambitious but achievable with disciplined saving and smart investing. Let's break down your current situation and outline a plan to help you reach this goal.

Creating a Strong Financial Foundation
Emergency Fund
Before diving deeper into investments, establish an emergency fund. Save 6-12 months' worth of expenses in a liquid, easily accessible account. This fund acts as a safety net for unforeseen events and provides financial stability.

Paying Off Debt
Your personal loan of Rs. 14 lakh with a monthly EMI of Rs. 30,000 is significant. Paying off this debt should be a priority. Focus on repaying high-interest loans first to reduce the financial burden and free up more money for investments.

Investing in Mutual Funds
Diversifying Your Portfolio
Investing Rs. 15,000 per month in mutual funds is a good start. Consider diversifying your portfolio across different types of mutual funds to spread risk and increase potential returns. Here’s a suggested allocation:

Large-Cap Funds: 30% of your investment
Mid-Cap Funds: 30% of your investment
Small-Cap Funds: 20% of your investment
Flexi-Cap Funds: 20% of your investment
Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Actively managed funds have the potential to outperform the market indices. Fund managers actively select stocks that can offer better returns. This approach can be more beneficial than investing in index funds, which simply track market indices.

National Pension System (NPS)
Enhancing Your NPS Contribution
Currently, you're contributing Rs. 5,000 per month to NPS. Consider increasing this contribution over time. NPS offers tax benefits and is a good long-term investment for retirement planning. The additional tax benefits under Section 80CCD(1B) can also help reduce your taxable income.

Exploring Other Investment Options
Equity-Linked Savings Scheme (ELSS)
ELSS funds offer tax benefits under Section 80C and have a lock-in period of three years. They invest primarily in equities and can provide good returns. Allocating a portion of your savings to ELSS can help you save on taxes and grow your wealth.

Public Provident Fund (PPF)
PPF is a safe investment option with tax-free returns. It has a 15-year lock-in period, making it suitable for long-term goals. Consider investing in PPF to balance the risk in your portfolio and ensure steady returns.

Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs)
Consistent Investing
Continue your SIPs in mutual funds. SIPs allow you to invest a fixed amount regularly, which helps in averaging the purchase cost and reducing the impact of market volatility. Increasing your SIP amount as your income grows can significantly boost your corpus over time.

Avoiding High-Risk Investments
Caution with Direct Stock Trading
While direct stock trading can offer high returns, it comes with significant risks. Unless you have in-depth market knowledge and time to monitor stocks, it's better to stick with mutual funds. Professional fund managers have the expertise to make informed decisions and manage risks effectively.

Financial Discipline and Budgeting
Maintaining a Budget
Keep a detailed record of your income and expenses. A budget helps you identify unnecessary expenses and allows you to allocate more towards savings and investments. Financial discipline is crucial in achieving your long-term goals.

Regular Savings
Apart from investments, ensure you save a portion of your income regularly. Set aside at least 20-30% of your income for savings and investments. Automating your savings can help maintain consistency and discipline.

Tax Planning
Maximizing Tax Benefits
Utilize tax-saving instruments like NPS, ELSS, and PPF to reduce your taxable income. Efficient tax planning can help increase your investable surplus, enabling you to invest more towards your financial goals.

Reviewing and Rebalancing Your Portfolio
Regular Monitoring
Review your investment portfolio at least once a year. This helps you assess the performance of your investments and make necessary adjustments. Rebalancing your portfolio ensures it remains aligned with your risk tolerance and financial goals.

Planning for Child’s Future
Education and Other Expenses
Start a dedicated investment plan for your child’s education and future needs. Consider child-specific mutual funds or PPF for these goals. Investing early ensures you have a substantial corpus when required.

Insurance and Protection
Health and Life Insurance
Ensure you have adequate health insurance for your family to cover medical emergencies. Additionally, a term life insurance policy is crucial to protect your family’s financial future in case of any unforeseen events. Insurance acts as a safety net and prevents your investments from being used for emergencies.

Long-Term Wealth Creation
Compounding and Time
The power of compounding works best over a long period. By starting early and investing consistently, your money grows exponentially. The longer you stay invested, the more your wealth grows.

Staying Invested
Market fluctuations are normal. Avoid the temptation to withdraw your investments during market downturns. Staying invested through ups and downs helps in realizing the full potential of your investments.

Final Insights
Achieving a corpus of Rs. 10 crore by your 50s is ambitious but attainable with disciplined saving and strategic investing. Prioritize paying off your personal loan, build an emergency fund, and ensure adequate insurance coverage. Continue with your mutual fund SIPs and diversify your portfolio. Increase your NPS contributions and consider tax-saving instruments like ELSS and PPF. Regularly review and rebalance your portfolio, maintain financial discipline, and stay invested for the long term. This holistic approach will help you reach your financial goals and secure a prosperous future for your family.

Best regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |4140 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 02, 2024

Listen
Money
Dear Sir, This is incontinence of the question asked by Mr Ranjith regarding premature closure of Fixed deposits and calculation of Interest income. Some banks do not impose penalty but deduct excessive interest paid due to lesser interest rates for the period of premature closure. In which case does it not amount to lesser income . G.V.Suryanarayana Visakhapatnam
Ans: Dear Mr. Suryanarayana,

I apologize for not having the details of the earlier question asked by Mr. Ranjith. However, I can provide some general insights into the matter of premature closure of Fixed Deposits (FDs) and the calculation of interest income:

Scenarios for Premature FD Closure
Penalty-Free Premature Withdrawal with Interest Rate Adjustment:

Some banks do not impose a penalty for premature closure but will recalculate the interest based on the rate applicable for the actual period the deposit was held.
For example, if you had a 3-year FD with an interest rate of 6% but you close it after 1 year, the bank will recalculate the interest at the 1-year FD rate, which might be 5%.
This adjustment generally leads to a lower interest income than initially expected because the shorter duration rates are usually lower.
Penalty Imposition:

Other banks may charge a penalty for premature withdrawal. This penalty is typically a percentage of the interest earned or a reduction in the applicable interest rate by a specified percentage.
For instance, if the bank imposes a 1% penalty on a 1-year FD rate of 5%, the effective rate becomes 4%, reducing your interest income.
Impact on Interest Income
Lower Interest Rates: When the bank recalculates interest based on the period the FD was actually held, it almost always results in lower interest income because shorter-term rates are generally lower than longer-term rates.
Penalties: Penalties directly reduce the interest income, either by deducting a percentage of the interest earned or by lowering the applicable interest rate.
Conclusion
In both scenarios, premature closure generally results in lesser interest income compared to holding the FD until maturity. The exact impact depends on whether the bank applies a recalculated rate for the shorter period or imposes a penalty. Both methods are designed to compensate the bank for the early withdrawal and typically reduce the overall interest earnings for the depositor.

If you have any specific cases or examples you'd like to discuss, please provide further details, and I'd be happy to offer more tailored insights.

Best regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

...Read more

Aasif Ahmed Khan

Aasif Ahmed Khan   |19 Answers  |Ask -

Tech Career Expert - Answered on Jul 02, 2024

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |267 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 02, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 02, 2024Hindi
Relationship
i am 50 and my wife is 43. We are living two different countries to help our children to pursue their interests. We are pretty good in financially and i go to my home (where my wife and younger son live) at least 2 to 3 times a year and spend 2 to 3 weeks per trip. We married for the last 22 years and we both of us seen ups and lows of our relationship. Most of the time, we are happy and we did the right things not only for us but also for our children and both are willing to take sacrifices for the sake of children and we wholeheartedly agree on this. However, i see few concerns especially after living separately. 1. really don't see my wife shows much interest about me. She also mentioned that if i come to my home where she lives, she doesn't feel really excited and just normal for her. However, i will be happy to see her and spend time with her. Inspite I come to our home, she really didn't care much about my interests like what food makes me happy. In-fact, she doesn't need to cook and we have cook who does most of the stuff. 2. In-terms of intimacy, she doesn't show much interest and i stopped asking her unless if she initiates and I didn't want to initiate as I start getting rejection from her for the last few years. Overall, if I ask to fulfill my interest (showing love and affection), she says that she cannot do as she is too busy. However, she does other works like taking care of children, spending time with her friends or her own interests she does take care. however, any thing specific to me, she thinks it is not a high priority. I askied clearly to her that why my needs of lower prioirty. Her answer is very vague and she does say that she loves me and she needs me. I am getting a picture that I am there to take care of them financially like building assets, taking care of the children and wife but I am not getting any return from her, I vent my frustration to my wife and asker her to open up and share any concerns. She really don't share any point that could really help me to understand her mind. At this point, I am kind of confused. I am just 50 and she is 43 and i see that there is really not much love. i was thinking when i turn 60 , it would be far worse than today in terms of love and affection. I really don't want to divorce at least for the next 10 years as my kids are growing and i really don't have a compelling reason to do now as I still love my wife and if she is feel bad on any reason , I don't care of these problems and i still be with her to address any problem she has. I support even today for her wants and desires and I do wholeheartedly. Also, She is not a person who cheats me My concern is that I cannot change her much. I would like your advice on How should I change so that i still live happily (regardless of whether i get love from my wife or not) without getting frustations on relathinship issues. Should I accept that this what I would expet from wife and be content.
Ans: Navigating the dynamics of a long-term marriage, especially one complicated by physical distance, is indeed challenging. Your situation is layered with decades of shared history, responsibilities, and deep commitments.
First and foremost, it’s crucial to try to understand your wife's perspective. Living apart can create emotional and physical distance that’s hard to bridge during occasional visits. When she says she’s not particularly excited about your visits, it may not necessarily reflect a lack of love or care. Instead, she might be grappling with the routine and demands of her daily life, which can often dull the excitement of reunions. The responsibilities of managing a household, even with help, combined with the constant care for your children, can be incredibly taxing. This often leaves little room for nurturing the romantic and intimate aspects of a relationship.

It’s also possible that she has grown used to the independence that comes with your living arrangement. Over time, people can adapt to new rhythms and find comfort in their routines, even if those routines don’t include their partner as prominently as before. This doesn’t necessarily mean a lack of love; rather, it’s a shift in how she’s accustomed to living day-to-day.

For your part, consider what you’re seeking from your relationship and what you’re currently receiving. You’ve mentioned feeling like a provider rather than a partner, which can be deeply unsatisfying. Reflect on whether your expectations align with the reality of your relationship. Are you hoping for expressions of affection and excitement that your wife may not be able to provide right now due to her own emotional or practical constraints?

Your frustration and sense of being undervalued are entirely valid. It’s important to acknowledge these feelings and not dismiss them. However, the key is to approach this situation without letting these feelings drive a wedge between you and your wife. Instead of focusing on what’s missing, try to identify what’s still present in your relationship. Your shared commitment to your children and the mutual sacrifices you've made are significant bonds that can still be honored and celebrated.

In terms of intimacy, it’s understandable to feel hesitant about initiating when past attempts have led to rejection. This aspect of your relationship might require open, honest, and non-confrontational dialogue. Let your wife know that you miss the closeness and that it’s important to you, not just physically but emotionally. It’s possible she might not fully realize the impact her disinterest has had on you.

While it’s clear you’re committed to staying in the marriage for at least the next decade, it’s also important to focus on your own happiness. Invest in self-care and activities that bring you joy outside of the relationship. This could be pursuing hobbies, spending time with friends, or even exploring new interests that fulfill you personally. Building a satisfying life for yourself can alleviate some of the pressure on your marriage to meet all your emotional needs.

Acceptance can be a powerful tool in finding contentment. Accepting that your wife may not be able to give you what you once had or what you currently desire doesn’t mean giving up on the relationship. Instead, it’s about finding peace with the current reality while still cherishing and nurturing the aspects of your relationship that are strong and positive.

Remember, relationships are dynamic, and people change over time. What’s crucial is finding a balance that allows you to feel fulfilled and connected, even if it means adjusting your expectations and finding joy in different ways. Continue to express your love and support for your wife and children, but also give yourself permission to seek happiness and fulfillment in ways that are within your control.

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

Close  

You haven't logged in yet. To ask a question, Please Log in below
Login

A verification OTP will be sent to this
Mobile Number / Email

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to

Resend OTP in120seconds

Dear User, You have not registered yet. Please register by filling the fields below to get expert answers from our Gurus
Sign up

By signing up, you agree to our
Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

Already have an account?

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to Mobile

Resend OTP in120seconds

x