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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 24, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Harry Question by Harry on Apr 20, 2024Hindi
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Iam 38 and have 20 lakhs as my savings which I want to invest for 1,3,5 and 7 years. Please suggest appropriate as I'm willing to take risk but want good returns.

Ans: Investing with specific time horizons in mind is a smart approach. Here's a suggested investment strategy considering your willingness to take risks and aiming for good returns:

1-Year Investment (Short-term):
Liquid Funds: These funds offer stability and liquidity. They invest in short-term money market instruments. Given your short time horizon, liquid funds would be suitable as they offer better returns than savings accounts and are low-risk.
3-Year Investment (Medium-term):
Short-term Debt Funds or Ultra Short-term Funds: These funds invest in fixed-income securities with a maturity period of 1-3 years. They offer relatively higher returns than liquid funds and are less volatile than equity funds, making them a suitable choice for a 3-year horizon.
5-Year Investment (Medium to Long-term):
Balanced Funds or Hybrid Funds: These funds invest in a mix of equity and debt instruments. They offer potential for higher returns compared to debt funds while providing some cushion against market volatility. This combination could be ideal for a 5-year horizon.
7-Year Investment (Long-term):
Equity Mutual Funds: Given your willingness to take risks and the longer time horizon, equity funds would be appropriate.
Large Cap Funds: These funds invest predominantly in large-cap companies which are relatively stable and offer moderate returns.
Mid & Small Cap Funds: These funds invest in mid and small-cap companies which have the potential to offer higher returns but come with higher volatility.
Multi-Cap Funds: These funds provide diversification across market caps and offer flexibility to capitalize on market opportunities.
General Tips:

Diversification: Spread your investments across different asset classes and fund categories to reduce risk.
Regular Review: Periodically review your investments to ensure they align with your financial goals and adjust as necessary.
Risk Tolerance: While you're willing to take risks, ensure your investments align with your risk tolerance. Remember, higher returns come with higher volatility.
Lastly, it's advisable to consult with a Certified Financial Planner to tailor this strategy according to your specific financial situation, goals, and risk tolerance. They can provide personalized advice and help you navigate the complexities of investing.
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 04, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 03, 2024Hindi
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Hi I am retiring in one year want to invest 25 lacs. Which are best safe and best returns options
Ans: Since you're retiring soon and looking for safe investment options with potentially good returns, here are some options to consider:
Senior Citizen Savings Scheme (SCSS): SCSS is a government-backed savings scheme for individuals above 60 years of age. It offers quarterly interest payouts and has a tenure of 5 years, which can be extended once for an additional 3 years.

Post Office Monthly Income Scheme (POMIS): POMIS is a low-risk investment option offered by India Post. It provides monthly interest payments and has a maturity period of 5 years.

Bank Fixed Deposits (FDs): FDs are a popular choice for conservative investors. Look for banks offering competitive interest rates and consider opting for cumulative or non-cumulative FDs based on your income needs.

Debt Mutual Funds: Debt mutual funds invest in fixed-income securities such as government bonds, corporate bonds, and money market instruments. They offer relatively higher returns than traditional fixed-income options like FDs and are tax-efficient for investors in higher tax brackets.

Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP): If you prefer investing in mutual funds, you can consider setting up an SWP to generate regular income from your investment while staying invested in the market.

Assess your risk tolerance, investment horizon, and income requirements before finalizing your investment strategy. Consider consulting with a financial advisor to create a customized retirement plan that aligns with your financial goals and needs.

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 23, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 03, 2024Hindi
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I am 53 year. I want to invest Rs 10,000 every month. What is the best option to invest so that after 4/5 years I get good return
Ans: Maximizing Returns with Monthly Investments
Investing regularly is a prudent financial decision, and I commend your commitment to building wealth even at 53. Let's explore the best options for investing ?10,000 every month to achieve good returns within a 4-5 year timeframe.

Understanding Investment Objectives
Short-Term Horizon: With a 4-5 year investment horizon, it's essential to prioritize investments with moderate risk and potential for decent returns.

Goal Clarity: Define your specific financial goals and the purpose of the invested funds to align investment strategies accordingly.

Risk Appetite: Assess your risk tolerance to determine the appropriate mix of investment options for your portfolio.

Evaluating Investment Options
Considering your investment horizon and return expectations, explore the following options:

Equity Mutual Funds: Offer the potential for higher returns but come with higher volatility. Suitable for investors with a longer investment horizon and higher risk tolerance.

Debt Mutual Funds: Provide stability and steady returns with lower risk compared to equity funds. Ideal for investors seeking capital preservation and income generation.

Balanced Funds: Combine equity and debt components to provide a balanced approach to risk and return. Suitable for investors seeking moderate growth with reduced volatility.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Active management offers several advantages for investors with a short-to-medium-term investment horizon:

Potential for Outperformance: Skilled fund managers actively manage the portfolio, aiming to generate alpha and outperform the market.

Risk Management: Experienced fund managers employ risk management techniques to mitigate downside risk and preserve capital, crucial for investors with a shorter investment horizon.

Flexibility: Active management allows for tactical allocation adjustments based on market conditions and economic outlook, optimizing returns.

Disadvantages of Index Funds
Index funds may not be suitable for investors seeking good returns within a 4-5 year timeframe due to the following reasons:

Market Tracking: Index funds passively track a specific index, limiting the potential for alpha generation and outperformance compared to actively managed funds.

Lack of Flexibility: Investors in index funds cannot benefit from active management strategies such as sector rotation or stock selection, which are crucial for optimizing returns in volatile markets.

Market Volatility: During periods of market volatility, index funds may experience higher drawdowns compared to actively managed funds, posing a risk to capital preservation.

Conclusion
Considering your investment horizon of 4-5 years, a balanced approach with a mix of equity and debt mutual funds may be suitable to achieve good returns while managing risk. By investing systematically and regularly reviewing your portfolio, you can work towards achieving your financial goals effectively.

Remember to consult with a Certified Financial Planner to tailor an investment strategy that aligns with your specific needs and objectives.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 21, 2024

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I am 31,didnt have any savings uptill now .planning to save 20 k per month..suggest me the diversified savings options for future....
Ans: Congratulations on taking the first step towards securing your financial future! At 31, you're entering a crucial phase where strategic savings can pave the way for a prosperous tomorrow. Let's explore diversified savings options tailored to your aspirations and financial goals.

Commendable Initiative

I must commend your decision to start saving at this stage. It's never too late to begin your savings journey, and your commitment to setting aside ?20,000 per month demonstrates a commendable dedication to building a secure financial foundation.

Understanding Your Goals

Before diving into savings options, let's understand your financial objectives and aspirations. Whether it's building an emergency fund, planning for retirement, or achieving long-term wealth accumulation, your goals will shape our savings strategy.

Exploring Diversified Savings Options

Diversification is key to mitigating risk and optimizing returns. Here are some diversified savings options to consider:

Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs): SIPs offer a disciplined approach to investing in mutual funds, allowing you to invest small amounts regularly. By diversifying across equity, debt, and hybrid funds, you can tailor your portfolio to your risk tolerance and investment horizon.

Public Provident Fund (PPF): PPF is a popular long-term savings instrument offering tax benefits and attractive interest rates. By contributing to PPF, you can build a tax-efficient retirement corpus while enjoying the security of a government-backed scheme.

Employee Provident Fund (EPF): If you're employed, EPF contributions provide a reliable avenue for retirement savings. With contributions from both you and your employer, EPF offers a stable foundation for your retirement nest egg.

Debt Instruments: Consider allocating a portion of your savings to debt instruments such as fixed deposits (FDs) or bonds. While offering lower returns compared to equities, debt instruments provide stability to your portfolio and serve as a hedge against market volatility.

Emergency Fund: Building an emergency fund is essential to cover unexpected expenses or financial setbacks. Aim to set aside 3-6 months' worth of living expenses in a liquid savings account or liquid mutual funds for easy access during emergencies.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds

When it comes to mutual funds, actively managed funds offer several advantages over passive index funds:

Professional Management: Actively managed funds are overseen by experienced fund managers who actively research and select investments to maximize returns and minimize risks.

Dynamic Allocation: Fund managers have the flexibility to adjust portfolio allocations based on market conditions and emerging opportunities, allowing for optimized performance over time.

Disadvantages of Direct Funds

Direct funds require investors to independently research, select, and manage their investment portfolios, which can be time-consuming and challenging, especially for novice investors. Lack of professional guidance may lead to suboptimal investment decisions.

Benefits of Regular Funds Investing through MFD with CFP Credential

Investing through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) credentialled Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) offers several benefits:

Personalized Advice: A CFP-certified MFD provides tailored investment advice based on your financial goals, risk appetite, and investment horizon, ensuring your portfolio aligns with your objectives.

Diverse Fund Selection: MFDs offer access to a wide range of mutual funds across asset classes and fund categories, enabling you to build a well-diversified portfolio suited to your needs.

Final Words

As you embark on your savings journey, remember that consistency, discipline, and patience are key to achieving your financial goals. By diversifying your savings across various instruments and leveraging the expertise of certified professionals, you're laying the groundwork for a prosperous future.

Warm Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 18, 2024

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I am 28 years old, after loan and others I have a 20k in hand. I want to invest this amount and I can invest this for upto 15-20 years.
Ans: You are 28 years old and have Rs. 20,000 to invest after paying off your loans and other expenses.

Investment Horizon
Long-Term Goal: You can invest for 15-20 years. This is a good time frame to build substantial wealth.
Growth Potential: Long-term investments can benefit from compounding, leading to significant growth.
Creating a Balanced Investment Plan
A balanced investment plan will help you achieve your financial goals. Here are some key points to consider:

Diversified Investments
Equity Mutual Funds: These funds can provide higher returns over the long term. They invest in a mix of stocks from various sectors.
Debt Funds: These funds offer stability and lower risk. They invest in fixed-income securities like bonds.
Balanced Funds: These funds combine equity and debt, offering a balance of growth and stability.
Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
Disciplined Investment: Start a SIP to invest a fixed amount regularly. This can be Rs. 5,000 or more per month.
Rupee Cost Averaging: SIPs help average the purchase cost of investments, reducing the impact of market volatility.
Emergency Fund
Safety Net: Maintain an emergency fund equal to 6-12 months of expenses. This ensures financial security in case of unforeseen events.
Liquid Assets: Keep this fund in liquid assets like savings accounts or short-term deposits for easy access.
Retirement Planning
Long-Term Savings: Invest in retirement plans like PPF or EPF. These plans offer tax benefits and long-term growth.
Regular Contributions: Make regular contributions to build a substantial retirement corpus.
Evaluating Investment Options
Equity Mutual Funds: Suitable for long-term growth. They can outperform inflation and provide substantial returns.
Debt Funds: Ideal for stability and lower risk. They offer steady returns and protect your capital.
Balanced Funds: These provide a mix of growth and stability, making them suitable for conservative investors.
Analytical Insights
Investing Rs. 20,000 for 15-20 years can significantly grow your wealth. Here's a detailed analysis:

Investment Horizon: With a long-term horizon, you can take advantage of compounding and market growth.
Diversification: A diversified portfolio reduces risk and optimizes returns. Investing in a mix of equity, debt, and balanced funds is ideal.
Regular Investments: SIPs ensure disciplined investing and benefit from rupee cost averaging. They reduce the impact of market fluctuations.
Key Considerations
Risk Tolerance: Assess your risk tolerance. Equity funds have higher risk but offer higher returns. Debt funds are safer but offer lower returns.
Financial Goals: Align your investments with your financial goals. This includes retirement planning, emergency funds, and long-term wealth creation.
Regular Review: Review your investment portfolio annually. Adjust your investments based on performance and changing goals.
Final Insights
Investing Rs. 20,000 for 15-20 years can help you build significant wealth. Start a SIP in diversified equity and debt mutual funds. Maintain an emergency fund for financial security. Regularly review and adjust your investments to stay aligned with your goals. This disciplined approach ensures steady growth and financial stability.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

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Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

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Requesting you, to help me, regarding midcap 150 etf of mirae asset midcap 150 etf for longterm through SIP
Ans: Let us review the suitability of investing in a mid-cap 150 ETF for the long term via SIP.

Understanding ETFs and Their Characteristics
Passive Management: Midcap ETFs replicate an index like the Nifty Midcap 150.

Cost Efficiency: They offer lower expense ratios compared to actively managed funds.

No Active Decision Making: They do not try to outperform the market but track the index.

Volatility Concerns: Midcap indices are more volatile than large-cap indices.

Returns Depend on Index: The ETF's performance mirrors the performance of its benchmark.

Disadvantages of Investing in Midcap ETFs
Lack of Active Management
Mid-cap stocks are highly volatile.

Active fund managers can adjust portfolios to limit risks during downturns.

ETFs lack this flexibility, as they strictly follow the index composition.

Limited Flexibility in Rebalancing
Market conditions often demand sector rotation or stock-specific decisions.

Actively managed funds adapt to such conditions, but ETFs cannot.

Tracking Errors
ETFs may not perfectly replicate the index due to tracking errors.

This can affect returns, especially over the long term.

Why Actively Managed Funds May Be Better
Fund Manager Expertise
Skilled managers can outperform the index by selecting high-growth stocks.

They can mitigate risks in falling markets through tactical decisions.

Flexibility in Stock Selection
Active funds are not limited to a predefined basket of stocks.

Managers can select fundamentally strong stocks beyond the index.

Potential for Higher Returns
Actively managed funds have historically outperformed midcap indices over long periods.

This makes them a better choice for wealth creation in the mid-cap segment.

Recommendations for Long-Term Mid-Cap Investments
Diversify: Include actively managed mid-cap funds instead of relying solely on an ETF.

Professional Guidance: Invest in regular plans via a Certified Financial Planner.

Monitor Performance: Review fund performance every 6–12 months.

Manage Risk: Avoid overexposure to mid-cap investments due to their volatility.

Final Insights
While Mirae Asset Midcap 150 ETF is a low-cost option, it has limitations.

Active mid-cap funds can better navigate market volatility.

They provide the flexibility and expertise required for wealth creation.

For long-term SIPs, consider balanced exposure to actively managed funds. This ensures both growth and risk management over time.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Money
Dear sir, I am 50 years old and working in private sector MNC 1.5 Lakhs on hand. My job security is very less. I have two kids aged 18, 14 years old. My wife is housewife. I have 80L in Mutual funds and 20L in stocks, Bank deposits 40L. I am investing in SIP in below Mutual funds all direct growth around 57000 pm. CR Bule chip fund, MA Large and Midcap, HDFC smallcap each 5000 pm (15000) step up 2000 every 6months. Invesco Infra, JM Value fund, Nippon India Multicap, Small cap, Parag parekh Flexi cap, Quant Small cap, Mid cap each 6000 pm (42000), all these SIPs started recently from June 2024. Some Lumpsum in Axis smallcap 6L, Bandan core Equity 3L, CR Smallcap 8L, DSP smallcap 4L,HSBC Flexicap 3.5, HSBC Smallcap 3L, ICICI Pru Infra 3.5L, Value discovery 3L, Invesco Large & Midcap 2L, JM Flexicap 1L, Motilal Oswal Midcap 8L, SBI Bluechip 7L, Infrastructure 2L, Sundaram Smallcap 3L My expenses per month are 1.2 Lakh. I don't have loans/EMIs. Please advice me for my retirement life which need at least 1.5L per month, my kids education expenses, and also advice to my Portfolio. Thanks and regards, Yours sincerely, Purushotham Thati
Ans: Your current portfolio and investment habits show a good start. Let us evaluate your financial standing, address your goals, and provide suggestions for optimisation.

Assessment of Your Current Financial Position
Income and Expenses: You have a monthly income of Rs. 1.5 lakh and expenses of Rs. 1.2 lakh. This leaves a surplus of Rs. 30,000 per month.

Investment Corpus: Your existing corpus includes Rs. 80 lakh in mutual funds, Rs. 20 lakh in stocks, and Rs. 40 lakh in bank deposits.

SIP Contributions: You are investing Rs. 57,000 monthly across multiple mutual funds.

Lump Sum Investments: You have allocated significant lump sums to small-cap, flexi-cap, and thematic funds.

Goals: Your goals include securing Rs. 1.5 lakh monthly for retirement and funding your children's education.

Planning for Retirement
Corpus Required
You aim for Rs. 1.5 lakh per month during retirement.

Factor in inflation to estimate future monthly expenses.

The current corpus and SIPs must grow consistently to meet this goal.

Recommendations
Maintain a balanced allocation between equity and debt for steady growth.

Avoid excessive concentration in small-cap and thematic funds, which are volatile.

Increase exposure to balanced and flexi-cap funds for stability.

Planning for Children’s Education
Current Needs
Your children are aged 18 and 14, which implies upcoming higher education expenses.

Plan for expenses within the next 4–8 years.

Recommendations
Create a dedicated education fund for both children.

Use debt-oriented hybrid funds or short-term debt funds for near-term goals.

Ensure part of your mutual fund corpus is earmarked for this purpose.

Portfolio Review and Suggestions
Strengths of the Portfolio
Disciplined SIP Investments: Investing Rs. 57,000 monthly shows financial discipline.

Diversification: Exposure to various categories like large-cap, mid-cap, small-cap, and thematic funds.

Areas for Improvement
Excessive Small-Cap Allocation: High exposure to small-cap funds increases volatility.

Thematic Fund Overlap: Thematic funds like infrastructure may lead to concentration risks.

Direct Fund Investments: Direct funds lack professional guidance and ongoing monitoring.

Portfolio Optimisation
Consolidate funds to reduce over-diversification and improve focus.

Shift some SIPs to balanced advantage or hybrid funds for stability.

Review and replace underperforming funds periodically.

Invest through a Certified Financial Planner to benefit from professional advice.

Optimising Lumpsum Investments
Review the performance of your lump sum investments.

Redeploy underperforming small-cap and thematic funds into balanced funds.

Keep a portion of your bank deposits in liquid funds for emergencies.

Avoid high allocations to sectoral or cyclical funds due to their dependency on market conditions.

Tax Planning
Long-term capital gains on equity mutual funds above Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%.

Short-term capital gains on equity funds are taxed at 20%.

Debt mutual funds are taxed as per your income tax slab.

Plan redemptions considering these rules to minimise tax liabilities.

Emergency Fund Allocation
Maintain at least 6–12 months of expenses in liquid funds or fixed deposits.

This ensures financial security given your low job security.

Allocate Rs. 15–20 lakh from your bank deposits for this purpose.

Recommendations for SIPs
Reduce exposure to small-cap and thematic funds.

Increase allocation to large-cap and multi-cap funds for stability.

Consider balanced advantage funds to manage market volatility.

Step-up SIPs only after assessing fund performance.

Final Insights
Your financial foundation is strong, but optimisation is essential.

Prioritise stability and diversification in your portfolio.

Allocate funds separately for retirement and children’s education.

Maintain a robust emergency fund to handle uncertainties.

Seek professional advice to streamline and monitor your investments.

Consistent review and disciplined investing will help you achieve financial independence and secure your family’s future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |807 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 28, 2024Hindi
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Retiremen advice I am 50 yrs old single with recurring and chronic health issues. I would like to retire and I have 2 crore in FD 1 crore in stock and mutual funds I also own a home and a flat both are free of debt. Please advice me to restructure my assets and have a peaceful retirement. My tax consultant told me I can get up to 3 lakhs per month with 3 cr invested in stocks and mutual funds How realistic is it possible and how to montage the downside risks associated with it. I had been a victim of Franklin Templeton debt funds during covid and I do not trust Mutual funds houses or its manages as before.
Ans: Hello;

It is impossible to get 3 L per month with 3 Cr corpus in mutual funds, unless you are ready to deplete the corpus completely over 10-12 years.

Since you were impacted with Franklin Templeton debt funds issue earlier, I recommend you to buy an immediate annuity from a life insurance company for a sum of 2.8 Cr.

You may chose annuity for life with return of purchase price to your nominee.

It may yield you a post tax monthly income of around 1.1 L+.

After fulfilling your regular expenses you may begin a monthly sip of 10-15 K in any equity fund.

The corpus that this investment will generate over 10-15 years may be used to top-up annuity and hence monthly payouts to account for rise in the inflation.

You may keep balance 20 L corpus in savings account as emergency fund.

Although the Franklin Templeton debt fund issue was difficult for the unitholders of those funds, the alacrity and surgical precision with which SEBI handled that issue and ensured all investors get their money back was commendable.

We cannot control human behaviour but we have extremely robust system of checks and balances in regulation of our MF industry to safeguard investor interests at all costs even if some negative event occurs.

Seek help from a mutual fund distributor or an investment advisor for help, if required.

Best wishes;
X: @mars_invest

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Asked by Anonymous - Dec 27, 2024Hindi
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I live in a joint family with my brother and parents. I’ve been having a hard time managing my relationship with my bhabhi (sister-in-law). We live in the same house, and things have been tense lately. I’ve always tried to be polite and respectful, but there are constant little misunderstandings between us, and it’s starting to affect my peace of mind. We both want to keep things cordial for the family’s sake, but it feels like there’s always some tension whenever we interact. The problem is, I tend to get defensive whenever she says something I don’t agree with, and I know it’s only making things worse. I’m also trying to stay calm in front of everyone, but it’s hard not to let these small issues build up in my head. I really don’t want to keep feeling frustrated, but I don’t know how to change my approach. I love my brother and I want to improve the atmosphere at home and make sure I’m not letting these things affect me so much. Please help.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Joint family systems are filled with adventure and these things that you have brought up are part of that adventure.
Take things as they come and make sure you train yourself not to react...is this possible? YES, it is!
Let's say your Bhabhi accuses you of something, maybe your first reaction is to get defensive and explain or argue. Instead, what if you trained yourself to say: Okay, she's again accusing me of something; let's see what is the new thing that she has invented and let me have fun by simply listening.

This will ensure that your part of adventure gets playful and it will also enable you to respond rather than react. Now, does this happen overnight? NO, it requires a lot of mind training but start somewhere to get to someplace different.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1414 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

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Hi, I Am 26(M). I had an arranged marriage, my wife had a pre-marital affair which continued even after our engagement and for 9 months of marriage. According to my wife, she met him once and he wanted to have sex but my wife didn't do it. (The used to chat on Instagram). I found out today after 2 years of marriage. And we just had a baby. My wife asked me to use Instagram after we got engaged, but I refused because I was afraid it would have a bad effect on her. I don't even use it cause I know what can go wrong. When I caught her red-handed and saw the man's chats, I took her phone. And then I had read a little chat, then my wife came to me and said that she had to call our maid. I gave her the phone and she not only spoke on the phone but also deleted the chats with the guy. My eyes were closed when she spoke to maid on the phone. Cause I was so tired. Then I asked my wife to talk to him in front of me because I wanted to teach him a lesson and find his fiancée and tell her the truth. I'm very loyal to my wife. And she was my world. I've never had a girlfriend. I am open minded and I had asked my wife before the engagement, after the engagement on the phone and even after the marriage that if she had a past, I will accept it. My wife messaged him and he asked her talk on video call. The guy also knows that we have just had a baby who is not even 1 month old. I turned on the screen recording of the video call and gave it to my wife. In that screen recording, my wife texted the guy and told him to talk carefully cause I was sitting in front of her and then deleted the message with option of 'delete for you' on Instagram. This is how my wife cheated on me 2 times even after being caught. She told me that she loved me later on. And she took great care of me. She brought me out of depression. She did everything and I also loved her with all my heart and did everything for her. Right now she is saying I forgive her and she wants to live with me like before. She apologized a ton as well. But I don't know what to do at the moment. After so many lies, I can't trust her easily. She has a habit of lying in small things as well. I want to live with her, she was my support, my mother is not even there. when I was 12 years old... Now what do I do? Please kindly guide me!
Ans: Dear LoneKnight,
Yes, you feel like your trust has been broken. Is it easy to build back that trust? Yes and No...Yes, if you wish to...No, if you don't wish to...
If you go back in time and play the same story about how you wife was on Instagram and how she 'cheated' on you, there is no way that you can put your marriage back together.
How are you open-minded when an Instagram account causes you to fear what will happen? I can understand that you are a person with no past girlfriends but people do come with a past. Now, your wife could have shared her past with you, but most women seem to not want to for fear of reaction from the men like you have now. I can see that all this has hurt you, but if you want this marriage to work, you are going to have to drop all the past baggage, yours and your wife's and start afresh. Which means taking things for what it is NOW at face value without doubting it.
Can you do that? My suggestion would be: make an honest attempt at it. But warn yourself against going back in to the past otherwise there will be more mud throwing and no solution in sight.
Start new, Start afresh...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/
Asked on - Dec 28, 2024 | Answered on Dec 28, 2024
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Thanks You Very Much Ma'am For Your Answer. The Reason For Not Using Instagram Was Cause I Didn't Wanted To Look At Any Other Women Instead Of Her. My Intentions Were Pure. Also I Didn't wanted a thing which can spark of cheating so there will be no fire. I am open minded I told her I will accept it. Problem is that affair continued even after engagement and marriage (till 9 months of marriage) But today's condition is that i think she has lost interest. We have tradition inwhich wife goes to their home and stay for 2-3 months. Her mother has been so influential from beginning so am telling her to comeback. She is not ready to comeback even when I am sick. I told her to come back for at least 4-5 days so we can talk. I am afraid she will mindwash her. And I can see that. I have given the best possible time yet she is complaining that I don't give time. When I told her to come back she overeated that she will never go there and that. She wasn't like this. She was with me in my everything. I am so confused. I have forgiven & forgotten everything about the past still... What do you suggest ma'am???
Ans: Dear LoneKnight,
I have already made my suggestions in the initial response. Start afresh and wipe the slate clean. Rebuilding trust cannot happen overnight, so give the marriage a fair GO.
What you have shared again are problems and when you stay in that Zone, you will only be able to focus on problems. When there is an intention to solve the issue, the prerequisite is to move away from all the things that have gone wrong/bad and all the things that you think will go wrong/bad. That's the only way to solve problems. So my suggestions are still the same.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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