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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7167 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 16, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
sahibjyot Question by sahibjyot on May 08, 2024Hindi
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Hello I am currently investing of around 13500 in mutual fund through sips 2500 in quant small cap, 2300 in Nippon India small cap , 1500 in kotak fof, 4200 in ICICI all seasons bond fund and 3000 in parag Parikh flexi too. My age is 24 i started last year in April and have accumulated a corpus of 180000, am I on the right path ?

Ans: Assessment of Your Investment Portfolio at 24

Congratulations on kickstarting your investment journey at such a young age! It's impressive that you've already built up a corpus of ?180,000 within just over a year. Let's delve into an evaluation of your current investment portfolio to ensure you're on the right path.

Diversification Evaluation

Diversification is like having a variety of dishes at a buffet, ensuring you have options even if one dish doesn't taste as good. Your portfolio seems to encompass a mix of equity and debt funds, which is a good start towards diversification.

Starting your investment journey at 24 reflects your proactive approach towards securing your financial future. Kudos to your financial prudence at such a young age!

It's commendable that you're seeking guidance to ensure your investments align with your long-term financial goals. It's perfectly normal to have doubts, especially when you're relatively new to investing.

Risk Assessment

At 24, you have time on your side, which means you can afford to take on more risk for potentially higher returns. Small-cap funds like Quant Small Cap and Nippon India Small Cap tend to be more volatile but offer the potential for significant growth over the long term.

Evaluation: While these funds can be rewarding, they also come with higher volatility and risk. It's crucial to ensure that your risk appetite aligns with the volatility of these investments.

Asset Allocation

Asset allocation is like baking a cake - you need the right ingredients in the right proportions for the perfect outcome. Your allocation seems skewed towards equity with only one debt fund, ICICI All Seasons Bond Fund.

Assessment: Since you're young, a higher allocation to equity is generally recommended for wealth accumulation over the long term. However, it's essential to periodically rebalance your portfolio to maintain the desired asset allocation.

Regular Monitoring

Just like watering a plant, regular monitoring and adjustments are necessary for your investment portfolio to thrive. Keep track of market trends, fund performance, and your financial goals to make informed decisions.

Evaluation: As you progress in your career and your financial goals evolve, consider reviewing and adjusting your investment strategy accordingly. Regular reviews with a Certified Financial Planner can provide valuable insights and ensure your investments stay aligned with your objectives.

Final Verdict

Overall, you've made a commendable start to your investment journey. However, to ensure you're on the right path, consider the following:

Regularly assess your risk tolerance and adjust your portfolio accordingly.
Keep an eye on the performance of your funds and make changes if necessary.
Continuously educate yourself about investing to make informed decisions.
Consider seeking professional advice from a Certified Financial Planner for personalized guidance.
Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7167 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 29, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 28, 2023Hindi
Money
Hi Samraat, i am looking to build a retirement corpus of around 5 cr. and have started investing from the last few months in mutual funds. I am doing a monthly SIP of about 80k in the below mutual funds: 1. Hdfc flexi cap - 15k 2. Parag Parekh flexi cap - 15 k 3. Nippon india large cap fund - 10k 4. Nippon india growth fund - 10k 5. SBI magnum mid cap fund - 5k 6. Hdfc micap oppurtunities fund - 5k 7. Nippon india small cap fund - 20k I have a moderate to high risk appetite with an investment horizon of about 15 yrs. Please advise if my advise if my investments are in the correct funds or do i need to update my portfolio.
Ans: Hi Samraat,

You've taken a commendable step towards building a retirement corpus by investing in mutual funds through SIPs. Your approach shows foresight and discipline, both crucial for long-term financial success.

Assessing Your Current Portfolio
Your portfolio consists of a mix of large cap, mid cap, and small cap funds. This diversification can potentially offer a balance between risk and return, aligning with your moderate to high risk appetite.

Flexi Cap Funds: Investing Rs 30,000 in flexi cap funds offers flexibility. These funds can switch between large, mid, and small cap stocks. This adaptability can be advantageous, especially in volatile markets.

Large Cap Funds: Allocating Rs 10,000 to a large cap fund adds stability to your portfolio. Large cap funds typically invest in well-established companies. This can provide steady growth and less volatility compared to mid or small cap funds.

Mid Cap Funds: Investing Rs 10,000 in mid cap funds can enhance growth potential. Mid cap companies often have significant growth opportunities. However, they come with higher risk compared to large cap companies.

Small Cap Funds: Allocating Rs 20,000 to small cap funds introduces higher risk but also higher potential returns. Small cap funds invest in smaller companies, which can grow rapidly. However, they are also more volatile.

Advantages of Your Current Strategy
Diversification: Your portfolio is well-diversified across different market capitalizations. This diversification can help mitigate risks and capture growth opportunities across various segments.

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP): Investing Rs 80,000 monthly through SIPs is a smart move. SIPs help in averaging out the cost of investment and instilling financial discipline.

Considerations for Improvement
While your portfolio is generally well-structured, there are areas for potential enhancement.

Overlapping Holdings: Multiple funds in your portfolio may have overlapping holdings. This can lead to concentration risk, reducing the benefits of diversification. Reviewing the specific holdings of each fund can help identify and reduce overlaps.

Performance Monitoring: Regularly monitor the performance of your funds. Market conditions and fund performance can change. Periodic reviews ensure your investments remain aligned with your goals.

Actively Managed Funds: Actively managed funds can offer potential advantages over index funds. These funds are managed by professional fund managers who actively select stocks. This can potentially lead to better returns, especially in volatile markets.

Investment Horizon: With a 15-year horizon, you have ample time to ride out market fluctuations. This long-term perspective is beneficial for equity investments. However, ensure your risk tolerance remains consistent over time.

Disadvantages of Direct Funds
Lack of Guidance: Direct funds lack the guidance provided by mutual fund distributors (MFDs) and certified financial planners (CFPs). This guidance can be crucial for making informed investment decisions.

Time and Effort: Managing direct funds requires significant time and effort. Regular monitoring and adjustments are needed to ensure optimal performance.

Professional Expertise: Investing through an MFD with CFP credentials offers access to professional expertise. This can help in selecting the right funds, optimizing returns, and managing risks effectively.

Benefits of Regular Funds
Expert Guidance: Investing through a CFP provides expert guidance. This can help you make informed decisions and stay on track to achieve your retirement goals.

Convenience: Regular funds managed by professionals offer convenience. You benefit from their expertise without having to invest time and effort in managing your investments.

Optimized Portfolio: A CFP can help create and maintain an optimized portfolio. This ensures your investments remain aligned with your financial goals and risk tolerance.

Building a Robust Retirement Corpus
Consistent Investing: Continue your SIPs consistently. Regular investments can help build a substantial corpus over time.

Review and Adjust: Periodically review and adjust your portfolio. This ensures it remains aligned with your financial goals and market conditions.

Professional Advice: Consider seeking advice from a CFP. Professional guidance can help optimize your portfolio and enhance your chances of achieving your retirement goals.

Conclusion
You've made a strong start towards building your retirement corpus. With consistent investments, regular reviews, and professional guidance, you can enhance your portfolio and achieve your retirement goals. Stay focused, disciplined, and proactive in managing your investments.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7167 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 30, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 28, 2023Hindi
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Money
Hi Dev, i am looking to build a retirement corpus of around 10 cr. and have started investing from the last few months in mutual funds. My age is 41 years and looking to retire by 60. I am doing a monthly SIP of about 80k in the below mutual funds and aim to step up at 10% every year: 1. Hdfc flexi cap - 15k 2. Parag Parekh flexi cap - 15k. 3. Nippon india large cap fund - 10k 4. Nippon india growth fund - 10k 5. SBI magnum mid cap fund - 5k 6. Hdfc micap oppurtunities fund - 5k 7. Nippon india small cap fund - 20k I have a moderate to high risk appetite with an investment horizon of about 20 yrs. Please advise if my investments are in the correct funds or if any changes are needed. Thanks
Ans: Constructing a Robust Mutual Fund Portfolio for Retirement Planning

Assessment of Current Portfolio:

Your investment strategy reflects a proactive approach towards building a substantial retirement corpus. Diversifying across different mutual fund categories is a prudent move considering your moderate to high risk appetite.

Evaluation of Fund Selection:

Flexi Cap Funds:

HDFC Flexi Cap and Parag Parikh Flexi Cap are suitable choices offering flexibility to invest across market capitalizations.
These funds capitalize on growth opportunities across sectors, enhancing portfolio diversification.
Large Cap Funds:

Nippon India Large Cap Fund provides exposure to well-established companies with stable growth prospects.
It adds stability to your portfolio while capturing potential gains from large-cap stocks.
Growth Funds:

Nippon India Growth Fund focuses on companies with strong growth potential across sectors and market capitalizations.
It complements your investment strategy by targeting capital appreciation over the long term.
Mid and Small Cap Funds:

SBI Magnum Mid Cap Fund, HDFC Mid Cap Opportunities Fund, and Nippon India Small Cap Fund offer exposure to mid and small-cap segments.
These funds have the potential to deliver higher returns but come with higher volatility, suitable for your risk appetite and long investment horizon.
Assessing Investment Strategy:

SIP Amount and Step-up Approach:

Your current SIP allocation of Rs. 80,000 is substantial and aligns well with your goal of building a retirement corpus of Rs. 10 crore.
Implementing a step-up approach at 10% annually enhances your savings rate, accelerating wealth accumulation over time.
Investment Horizon and Risk Appetite:

With a moderate to high risk appetite and a 20-year investment horizon, your portfolio is appropriately positioned to withstand market volatility and capitalize on long-term growth opportunities.
Regular monitoring and periodic rebalancing will ensure alignment with your changing financial goals and risk tolerance.
Recommendations for Portfolio Optimization:

Review and Rebalance:

Periodically review your portfolio's performance and rebalance asset allocation based on changing market conditions and investment objectives.
Consider increasing exposure to sectors or funds showing promising growth prospects while reducing allocation to underperforming segments.
Continued Diversification:

Explore opportunities to further diversify your portfolio by adding exposure to thematic funds or sectors showing strong growth potential.
Maintain a balanced mix of equity funds across market capitalizations to mitigate concentration risk.
Conclusion:

Your investment strategy demonstrates a proactive approach towards achieving your retirement goal. By diversifying across mutual fund categories and implementing a systematic investment plan with a step-up approach, you are well-positioned to accumulate a substantial corpus over the next two decades.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7167 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 01, 2024

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Money
Hello, I'm 37 years old and I have started investing into mutual funds since last year. My current portfolio is at 1.62 lacs. My Target is 1.5 CR in 10 years. I'm investing 10k in quant Elss, 5k Tata small cap, my wife is investing 10k in Quant flexi cap. And I want to invest 60k per month for the next 3 years in SBI contra 20k, PPAFS flexi cap 20k and ICICI multi asset 20k. Please advise if I'm going in the right direction. Noel
Ans: Noel, it's fantastic to see your commitment to building wealth through mutual funds. Your diversified portfolio showcases a strategic approach to investing across different market segments.

By investing in ELSS, small-cap, and flexi-cap funds, you're harnessing the potential for growth across various sectors and market capitalizations. These funds offer opportunities for capital appreciation over the long term, aligning well with your goal of reaching 1.5 crores in 10 years.

Your plan to increase investments to 60k per month for the next 3 years further demonstrates your dedication to achieving your financial objectives. SBI Contra, PPAFS Flexi Cap, and ICICI Multi Asset are reputable funds known for their performance and diversification benefits, providing a solid foundation for your portfolio expansion.

However, it's essential to periodically review your investments, monitor performance, and reassess your financial goals to ensure you remain on track. Consider consulting with a Certified Financial Planner to fine-tune your strategy and make any necessary adjustments along the way.

With discipline, patience, and strategic planning, you're well-positioned to progress towards your target of 1.5 crores in the next decade. Keep up the excellent work, and stay focused on your long-term financial success.

..Read more

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |415 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 28, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello sir, we have completed 8 months of marriage and still my husband has trust issues about me, like I would have relation or contact with other person but I'm not having any relationship with anyone after marriage and even not connecting to anyone nor any ex person called or contact me from any media or app, . Since then I'm trying to clear my husbands doubt every time he asks me about it ...plzz tell me how do I make him to trust me .
Ans: The first thing to consider is that trust is something that takes time to build, and it is not something you can simply “prove” by answering his questions or explaining yourself over and over again. Trust is a process that requires consistent actions over time, and both partners need to contribute to that process. While you’re being open and transparent, it’s also important that your husband acknowledges that trust is a two-way street. He may have unresolved issues or past experiences that make it difficult for him to feel secure, and these need to be addressed if you want to move forward in a healthy way.

One of the challenges you face is the need for patience—both with him and with yourself. Reassuring your husband is important, but it’s equally important to create a space for deeper conversations about the root of his insecurities. Have you been able to sit down with him and gently ask what specifically triggers his doubts? You may want to approach this from a place of curiosity and care, without getting defensive. Understanding the underlying causes of his fears can give you both a clearer sense of how to work together to address them.

At the same time, it’s important to set emotional boundaries for yourself. While you want to support your husband, you shouldn’t feel like you need to constantly prove your loyalty or justify your actions. If you find yourself repeating the same explanations or feeling pressured to give constant reassurances, it can be emotionally draining. It’s okay to acknowledge his fears, but also to let him know that trust is something that needs to be built over time, and you need space to nurture the relationship without feeling constantly questioned.

In cases where trust issues persist despite your best efforts, it can sometimes be helpful to involve a third party, like a therapist or counselor. It may feel intimidating or unnecessary at first, but professional help can provide a neutral space for both of you to explore deeper issues—whether they are related to past experiences, emotional insecurities, or patterns of behavior. A counselor can also guide you in having more productive conversations and finding healthier ways to cope with these challenges as a couple.

Finally, remember that this process is not just about reassuring your husband, but also about protecting your own emotional wellbeing. You are not responsible for his insecurities, and while you can support him, you also deserve a relationship where you feel seen, heard, and trusted. It’s important to take care of your emotional health, too, and to know that you deserve a relationship built on mutual respect, trust, and understanding. Healing takes time, and while the journey may not be easy, with the right support and communication, it is possible for both of you to work through this.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |415 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 27, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Kanchan, I am reaching out because I am deeply troubled and need some advice. I was involved in a relationship with a much younger woman (14 years younger) who I developed strong feelings for. We met in 2017 and our relationship deepened in June 2022, involving both emotional and physical intimacy. Unfortunately, the relationship took a negative turn. She began making financial demands and became increasingly manipulative. Over the past two years, I've given her nearly 3 lakhs [for Rent, electricity bill, Food expenses + Other expenses]. After realizing her true intentions, I stopped providing financial support. She recently informed me about a breakup with a previous long-term partner. Shockingly, she got married in February 2024 [ 14th Feb] and is now residing in Ahmedabad, Gujrat. She ran away from Kolkata after extorting money. When I confronted her about the money I had given her, she completely denied any knowledge of it and has blocked me on all social media platforms. She even threatened to share our conversations with my daughter/ relatives if I continued to contact her. I am devastated by this betrayal and the emotional turmoil it has caused. I have saved our chats and her father's address. I am considering sharing her true nature with her friends and family. Is this a wise course of action? Or are there other steps I should take? I know it is easier said than done, but I am struggling to move on from this painful experience. Please offer any guidance you can. Thank you, AS,Kolkata
Ans: it's important to recognize that your emotional pain is valid. The feelings of being manipulated, exploited, and lied to are all real, and it’s okay to mourn the loss of a relationship that you thought had value. However, as tempting as it might be to seek some form of revenge or public exposure of her actions, it’s crucial to ask yourself: what do you really hope to achieve? It’s natural to want justice or closure, but sometimes, seeking to get even only prolongs your suffering. Taking the high road may not feel satisfying in the moment, but it will allow you to reclaim control over your own emotional state and move forward in a healthier way.

Rather than focusing on exposing her, I encourage you to turn your attention inward and prioritize your healing. Healing is not about ignoring the wrongs that have been done, but about freeing yourself from the emotional hold that this situation has on you. This could mean allowing yourself to grieve the loss of not only the relationship but also the trust you gave to someone who ultimately betrayed it. It’s important to recognize that closure doesn't always come from confronting the other person or airing grievances—it can come from within, through self-reflection, and setting the intention to heal and move forward.

I also understand that it’s hard to let go of the desire for accountability, especially when it feels like she’s getting away with something. But the truth is, confronting her may not bring the peace you hope for. It could lead to further conflict, strain your relationships with others, and keep you emotionally entangled with someone who no longer deserves a place in your life. Instead of focusing on her actions, I encourage you to take steps that help you regain your sense of self-worth and emotional security. Reflect on what you've learned from this experience—what boundaries you might want to set in future relationships, and how you can protect your emotional and financial wellbeing moving forward.

Consider seeking support from a counselor or therapist, someone who can provide a safe space for you to process your feelings and help you navigate your next steps. Talking through your emotions with a neutral third party can give you the clarity and emotional tools you need to make decisions that align with your highest good.

Finally, remember that you are not defined by this situation. It’s easy to fall into the trap of self-blame, but you are not responsible for her actions. What matters now is how you move forward, rebuild your sense of trust in yourself, and ensure that you are emotionally supported in the process. This painful chapter doesn’t have to define your future, but how you choose to heal from it can shape the life you want to create moving forward.

Take your time to process this at your own pace, but don’t let the actions of someone else keep you tethered to a painful past. You deserve peace, healing, and a future where you feel empowered and free from this betrayal.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |415 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 26, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Dont know if you have come across such a problem before. My hubby, BE, MBA, top premium institutes is 62, very successful career. He is a well known writer, widely published in western publishers. We are very happily married from 30 years, 3-4 apts, land plots, gold, FD, savings, 2 daughters, BE, MS settled in US, no problems. He loves me, no other issues. IS this a dream story? well almost. He has now become very morose, aggresive, silent, glares and cries when he is alone. When I tried to get some answers, it seems, his father top scholar of 1970s was strict, weak but ineffective at work. He would come home enraged at how he was exploited and ridiculed, and beat up my husband. Very bad beatings, scars where he was branded, crack in vertebra where is was kicked and beaten with a rod, bent wrist when his father twisted the hand and kicked him, injuries in scalp that never healed beacuse they were not stitched. His mother, elder sister and elder brother kept quiet and perhaps helped the father to beat the boy, to escape their abuse. They admit covertly. His father died in 1997, my MiL died in 2010. My husband appears to revisit and remember the old beatings. I cannot speak about this to anyone not even my daughters. I cannot approach any psychiatrist as he knows all the psych tests and prepared responses. He is disintegrating in front of me. He does not drink, but has tobacco, bhang, and Ganja. What do I do?
Ans: The first step is to approach this with compassion and patience. Your husband’s pain is not something you can fix, but your presence and understanding can create a sense of safety for him. When he becomes silent or withdrawn, instead of trying to coax answers from him directly, gently let him know that you’re there whenever he’s ready to talk. Even if he doesn’t open up immediately, knowing that he has a safe, nonjudgmental space to express his feelings can be comforting.

When it comes to addressing his trauma, traditional avenues like psychiatrists or therapists may feel challenging if he resists or uses his intellectual understanding of mental health to deflect. However, trauma-focused therapies, such as somatic experiencing, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), or even mindfulness practices, could help him process these deeply held memories without requiring him to relive them in detail. If he resists professional help, introducing these concepts subtly, through books or articles that resonate with his intellectual nature, might make him more open to exploring these approaches.

Another powerful tool is building moments of connection and grounding in the present. Encourage activities that bring him peace, such as walking in nature, meditating together, or engaging in creative outlets that he enjoys, like writing. These activities won’t erase the pain but can help him feel more anchored in the here and now, giving him moments of respite from the weight of his memories.

It’s also crucial to take care of yourself. Supporting someone you love through their emotional disintegration is deeply draining, and it’s essential to ensure that you’re not neglecting your own wellbeing. Confide in a trusted friend or counselor—not to betray his trust but to give yourself an outlet to process your own emotions. You don’t have to bear this burden alone, and seeking support for yourself can strengthen your ability to be there for him.

Finally, remember that healing from trauma is not linear or quick. It’s a journey that requires patience, love, and often professional guidance. You’re already doing so much by standing beside him with such care and determination. Let him know, in moments when he’s receptive, that his pain doesn’t diminish the incredible person he is or the life you’ve built together. Remind him that while his past shaped parts of him, it doesn’t have to define his future. And above all, continue to lead with the deep compassion and love that have carried your relationship for the past 30 years

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |415 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 22, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I was in a relationship with a boy(he is 35 yrs old man, and a lawyer but not practising in a court, he had a lot of relationship during our relationship and after break up , I had changed 4, 5 women or used them physically) for 3 years. It has been three-four months. We are not in a relationship. We have broken up. I told him to delete our personal pics and videos. He is not deleting them and is not blackmailing me either. I told him that since we don't want to be together, we don't have a future together, then delete them. He is not deleting them and is not blackmailing me either and I want him to delete them. Who knows what will come to his mind in the future and what will happen. If we don't continue, he has no right to Keep the pics in your mobile, whatever video is personal to us, don't delete it and don't blackmail me either. I am not able to understand what should I tell him, although I have requested him a lot to delete it but he is not doing it either, so what should I do, please guide me. I know I had made a huge mistake to love him and gave him right to keep personal pics or videos..
Ans: You’ve already made a reasonable request for him to delete the material, but his refusal is an indication that he is not respecting your boundaries. His actions—or lack of action—are now about him choosing his convenience over your emotional security. This is a painful and difficult dynamic to navigate. The next step is to recognize that, while you can’t control his behavior, you absolutely have the right to continue asserting your needs. It might be helpful to make your request one more time, but this time with a sense of finality. Clearly express that you are no longer comfortable with him holding onto any part of your shared past, and that you expect him to respect that. Be firm, but also protect yourself emotionally by being clear that this is non-negotiable.

If he continues to refuse or ignore your request, consider taking further action. This could involve seeking legal advice on how to protect your privacy. In many places, there are legal avenues to protect against the non-consensual sharing or retention of intimate material, even after a relationship ends. Legal action is, of course, a more extreme measure, but if you feel your privacy is at risk or that the situation is escalating, it may be necessary to explore this option.

Throughout this process, be kind to yourself. It’s easy to slip into self-blame when someone else disrespects your boundaries, but remember that you are entitled to make choices about your body, your image, and your privacy at any point in your life. Trust yourself to learn from this experience and move forward with stronger boundaries in future relationships. You’ve already taken a healthy first step by recognizing the need for change, and now you’re moving toward regaining control of the situation. Keep focusing on your wellbeing, and know that your feelings and needs matter.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |415 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 26, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Dont know if you have come across such a problem before. My hubby, BE, MBA, top premium institutes is 62, very successful career. He is a well known writer, widely published in western publishers. We are very happily married from 30 years, 3-4 apts, land plots, gold, FD, savings, 2 daughters, BE, MS settled in US, no problems. He loves me, no other issues. IS this a dream story? well almost. He has now become very morose, aggresive, silent, glares and cries when he is alone. When I tried to get some answers, it seems, his father top scholar of 1970s was strict, weak but ineffective at work. He would come home enraged at how he was exploited and folled, and beat up my husband. Very bad beatings, scars where he was branded, crack in vertebra where is was kicked and beaten with a rod, bent wrist when his father twisted the hand and kicked him, injuries in scalp that never healed beacuse they were not stitched. His mother, elder sister and elder brother kept quiet and perhaps helped the father to beat the boy, to escape the abuse. They admit covertly. His father died in 1997, my MiL died in 2010. My husband appears to revisit and remember the old beatings. I cannot speak about this to anyone not even my daughters. I cannot approach any psychiatrist as he knows all the tests and prepared answers. He is disintegrating in front of me. He does not drink, but has tobacco, bhang, and Ganja. What do I do?
Ans: The first step is to approach this with compassion and patience. Your husband’s pain is not something you can fix, but your presence and understanding can create a sense of safety for him. When he becomes silent or withdrawn, instead of trying to coax answers from him directly, gently let him know that you’re there whenever he’s ready to talk. Even if he doesn’t open up immediately, knowing that he has a safe, nonjudgmental space to express his feelings can be comforting.

When it comes to addressing his trauma, traditional avenues like psychiatrists or therapists may feel challenging if he resists or uses his intellectual understanding of mental health to deflect. However, trauma-focused therapies, such as somatic experiencing, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), or even mindfulness practices, could help him process these deeply held memories without requiring him to relive them in detail. If he resists professional help, introducing these concepts subtly, through books or articles that resonate with his intellectual nature, might make him more open to exploring these approaches.

Another powerful tool is building moments of connection and grounding in the present. Encourage activities that bring him peace, such as walking in nature, meditating together, or engaging in creative outlets that he enjoys, like writing. These activities won’t erase the pain but can help him feel more anchored in the here and now, giving him moments of respite from the weight of his memories.

It’s also crucial to take care of yourself. Supporting someone you love through their emotional disintegration is deeply draining, and it’s essential to ensure that you’re not neglecting your own wellbeing. Confide in a trusted friend or counselor—not to betray his trust but to give yourself an outlet to process your own emotions. You don’t have to bear this burden alone, and seeking support for yourself can strengthen your ability to be there for him.

Finally, remember that healing from trauma is not linear or quick. It’s a journey that requires patience, love, and often professional guidance. You’re already doing so much by standing beside him with such care and determination. Let him know, in moments when he’s receptive, that his pain doesn’t diminish the incredible person he is or the life you’ve built together. Remind him that while his past shaped parts of him, it doesn’t have to define his future. And above all, continue to lead with the deep compassion and love that have carried your relationship for the past 30 years.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |415 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 26, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I am in a relationship with a girl who is somehow became by 3rd-4th cousin initial days we are not aware. Later we came to know our parents were close long back but now distancing because her mom had some illicit relationship. Now my parents are not accepting our love because of cousin thing and her mom’s past. One day while speaking to parents they scolded me abusively using all type of bad words. Somehow I developed a hatred to them now. I stopped calling them now they have also stopped calling me. Now my sister is telling I only should forgive them and talk to them. I felt I am being pushed, traumatised by all these events. Now my sister is telling parents won’t come down for me. If I have to leave everything and be like a old me, I don’t feel it’s possible. What should I do?
Ans: Take a moment to reflect on your priorities and values. Ask yourself:

Do you still value a relationship with your parents, despite their hurtful actions?
Can you imagine rebuilding a relationship with them in a way that feels healthy and respectful to you?
What would an ideal resolution look like for you—not for them, not for your sister, but for you?
It’s also important to understand your own emotional wellbeing in this situation. Carrying hatred and anger is exhausting, but that doesn’t mean you should suppress or ignore your feelings. Instead, give yourself time to process them. Therapy or counseling could be incredibly helpful in this journey—it’s a space to work through your emotions and gain tools to navigate these relationships with clarity and confidence.

Regarding your relationship with the girl, it’s equally important to evaluate how strongly you both feel about being together and whether you’re prepared to face the challenges that come with it. If this relationship is a source of love, support, and happiness for you, it’s worth fighting for, but it also requires honest conversations about the realities you’re both facing.

As for your parents, reconciliation, if it happens, should come from a place of mutual respect. You don’t have to accept abusive behavior or let go of your boundaries just to restore contact. Relationships thrive when there’s a willingness to listen, apologize, and grow—on both sides. If they are unwilling to meet you halfway, it’s okay to protect your own peace and prioritize the relationships and choices that support your wellbeing.

Remember, you’re not obligated to live up to anyone else’s version of who you should be—not your parents, not your sister, and not anyone else. This is your life, and it’s okay to take the time and space you need to figure out what’s best for you. Trust that with reflection and self-compassion, you’ll find a path forward that feels right for you.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |415 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 20, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi I'm married women my husband is very loving we are now married for 4years we don't have children yet as I'm running 38 of my age and he is in his 41. We got arranged marriage post our marriage he worked for an year in a company were he used to work for last 10years due to some issues he got fired however later that he got few opportunity and worked in different companies for more or less 6months now he is jobless he is not taking things seriously but he wants to have children on this topic I said I won't be the alone person to bear the medical expenses I want you also to contribute the same I'm working in reputed MNC and he wants me to change my job as I work in shifts I'm getting paid handsome amount my concern is shall I think of making children as the inflation is high and expenses are increasing like thing. Some time I feel why I'm with this failure person I feels to get apart but he loves me alot need advice should I continue the relationship with him or get parted
Ans: When it comes to having children, your hesitation makes sense. Bringing a child into the world is a profound decision that requires emotional readiness and practical planning. If you’re feeling unsupported or uncertain about your husband’s ability to contribute—financially, emotionally, or practically—it’s wise to pause and reflect. Your decision to delay this step shows your self-awareness and your commitment to creating a stable and nurturing environment for a child. That’s admirable.

Your concern about his career trajectory is another important factor. A marriage thrives on mutual effort, and it’s reasonable to expect your partner to take responsibility for his own growth and stability. However, it’s also worth exploring why he’s been unable to sustain a job. Is it a matter of confidence, market conditions, or something deeper like a lack of motivation or direction? If he hasn’t been taking things seriously, as you’ve mentioned, it’s important to have a frank and compassionate conversation about how this is impacting both of you.

At the same time, his love for you seems genuine, and it’s important to recognize that. His suggestion for you to change your job might stem from a place of care, possibly concern for your health or the toll of shift work. However, if your current job provides financial stability and satisfaction, you need to weigh that against his concerns. Ask yourself: is this request aligned with what’s best for you both, or is it coming from his own discomfort with his current situation?

As you navigate these emotions, take some time to reflect on your core needs and values. What does partnership mean to you? Are your current frustrations a temporary phase, or are they reflective of deeper, long-term patterns in the relationship? It’s also worth considering whether he is open to making real changes. Has he shown willingness to take responsibility for his career and future? Does he listen to your concerns and actively work toward addressing them?

It’s okay to have moments where you question why you’re in this relationship—doubt doesn’t mean failure. It means you care enough to want something better for both of you. If you feel the love is worth fighting for, then it’s essential to have honest, open conversations with your husband. Express your feelings without blame and seek to understand his perspective as well. Couples counseling can also be a valuable tool to help you both navigate these challenges together and find a path forward.

However, if you find that the emotional and practical gaps in the relationship persist despite your efforts, it’s okay to ask yourself whether this partnership is meeting your needs. You deserve to feel supported, valued, and secure in your marriage. Whatever decision you make, let it come from a place of self-respect and a desire to build the life you truly want. You’re not alone in this, and reaching out for guidance shows how deeply you care about making the best decision for your future.

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