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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7435 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 23, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Rahul Question by Rahul on May 22, 2024Hindi
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Hello Sir , My Age is 25 and I am planning to start SIP although I am investing in stock market I don't have any idea in SIP and my goal is to have a corpus of 4 cr and from next year I will be able to save around 1 lakh rs per month so kindly help

Ans: Thank you for reaching out. It's great to hear you're planning to start investing in a Systematic Investment Plan (SIP).

At 25, you have a fantastic advantage with time on your side, allowing compounding to work in your favour.

Understanding SIP
SIP allows you to invest a fixed amount regularly in mutual funds.

It offers the benefits of disciplined investing and rupee cost averaging, helping mitigate market volatility.

Setting Your Goal
You've set an ambitious goal of accumulating a corpus of ?4 crores.

Starting early and investing regularly will help you achieve this target over time.

Monthly Savings Plan
You plan to save ?1 lakh per month starting next year.

This is a substantial amount and will significantly contribute to reaching your goal.

Expected Returns
Typically, mutual funds can offer varying returns.

For this discussion, let's assume an annual return of 12%. This is a reasonable estimate for long-term equity mutual funds.

Benefits of SIP
Rupee Cost Averaging: SIPs help average out the purchase cost over time.

Disciplined Investment: Regular investments instill financial discipline.

Compounding Benefits: Early and consistent investing leverages the power of compounding.

Flexible Investments: You can start with smaller amounts and gradually increase your SIP contributions.

Convenient and Automated: SIPs are automated, making the process convenient.

Steps to Start SIP
Define Your Goals: Clearly outline your financial goals and investment horizon.

Risk Assessment: Assess your risk tolerance to choose appropriate funds.

Select Funds: Choose actively managed funds for potentially higher returns.

KYC Compliance: Complete your KYC process, mandatory for investing in mutual funds.

Set Up SIP: Decide the SIP amount and start investing through your chosen mutual funds.

Evaluating Fund Performance
Historical Returns: Review the fund's historical performance.

Fund Manager's Track Record: Check the expertise and track record of the fund manager.

Expense Ratio: Lower expense ratios can lead to higher net returns.

Consistency: Look for funds with consistent performance across market cycles.

Monitoring Your Investments
Regular Review: Periodically review your investment portfolio.

Adjustments: Make necessary adjustments based on performance and goals.

Stay Informed: Keep yourself updated with market trends and news.

Disadvantages of Index Funds
Limited Flexibility: Index funds track a specific index, limiting flexibility.

No Outperformance: They aim to match, not outperform, the index.

Market Cap Bias: Heavily weighted towards large-cap stocks.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Potential for Higher Returns: Skilled fund managers can outperform the market.

Flexibility: Managers can adjust portfolios based on market conditions.

Diversification: Actively managed funds often have a diversified portfolio.

Importance of Consulting a Certified Financial Planner
Personalized Advice: A CFP provides tailored investment strategies.

Holistic Planning: They consider your entire financial situation and goals.

Expert Guidance: Benefit from their expertise and market knowledge.

Building a Diversified Portfolio
Equity Funds: For long-term growth, consider equity mutual funds.

Debt Funds: Add stability with debt funds.

Balanced Funds: Combine equity and debt for moderate risk and returns.

Regular Funds vs. Direct Funds
Expert Advice: Regular funds through MFDs with CFP credentials offer expert advice.

Support and Guidance: Continuous support for your investment journey.

Holistic Approach: Regular funds ensure a comprehensive financial plan.

Conclusion
Starting a SIP is a wise decision.

It aligns with your goal of creating a substantial corpus of ?4 crores.

Remember to review your investments regularly and adjust as needed.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7435 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 28, 2024Hindi
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Sir i want to invest in sip my monthly saving will be between 1000 to 2500 Rs please advice.
Ans: It's great that you're looking to start investing through SIPs with your monthly savings! Here's some advice tailored to your budget:

Start Small: Even with a modest monthly savings of Rs. 1000 to 2500, you can begin investing through SIPs. The key is to start early and remain consistent with your contributions.
Choose Low-Cost Funds: Look for mutual funds with low expense ratios, as they minimize the impact of fees on your returns. Opt for direct plans of mutual funds to save on distribution expenses.
Focus on Equity Funds: Given your long-term investment horizon, consider investing in equity mutual funds. These funds have the potential to deliver higher returns over the long run, although they come with higher volatility.
Diversify Your Portfolio: Select a mix of different types of equity funds, such as large-cap, mid-cap, and multi-cap funds, to spread your risk across various market segments. Diversification can help mitigate the impact of market fluctuations.
Stay Invested for the Long Term: SIPs work best when you stay invested for the long term, allowing your investments to benefit from the power of compounding. Aim to invest consistently over several years to maximize your returns.
Review and Adjust: Periodically review your SIP investments to ensure they align with your financial goals and risk tolerance. You may need to adjust your investment strategy based on changes in your financial situation or market conditions.
Stay Informed: Take the time to educate yourself about mutual funds, investment strategies, and market trends. This knowledge will empower you to make informed decisions and stay on track with your financial goals.
Consult a Financial Advisor: If you're unsure about which funds to invest in or how to construct your investment portfolio, consider consulting a financial advisor. They can provide personalized advice based on your financial situation and goals.
By following these tips and starting your SIP journey with discipline and patience, you can gradually build wealth over time and work towards achieving your financial objectives. Remember, every rupee invested today can make a difference in securing your financial future tomorrow.

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7435 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 21, 2024Hindi
Money
Hi sir I am 24 years old I am recently starting to learn about investing and I want to start an SIP but don't know where to begin and where to invest how much to invest and I want to build a Corpus around 5 to 10 crore so that I can retire early how much should I invest and how to diverse for the portfolio between any mutual funds are any other medium to retired the age of 45
Ans: It's fantastic that you're starting to learn about investing at 24. Starting early gives you a significant advantage. Your goal to retire early with a corpus of ?5 to ?10 crore is ambitious but achievable with the right strategy. Let's explore how you can start an SIP, decide where to invest, and diversify your portfolio effectively.

Understanding Systematic Investment Plans (SIP)
What is an SIP?
A Systematic Investment Plan (SIP) is a method of investing a fixed amount regularly in a mutual fund. This approach helps inculcate discipline, takes advantage of rupee cost averaging, and leverages the power of compounding.

Benefits of SIPs
SIPs allow you to start with a small amount, making it accessible for everyone. They provide the benefit of compounding, which means your money grows faster over time. Regular investments also reduce the risk of market volatility.

Setting Clear Financial Goals
Define Your Retirement Goal
To build a corpus of ?5 to ?10 crore by the age of 45, you need to plan meticulously. Define your goal clearly, keeping in mind factors like inflation and your future financial needs.

Determine Your Investment Amount
Deciding how much to invest monthly is crucial. You can use online SIP calculators to estimate the required monthly investment. These calculators consider expected returns and investment duration.

Choosing the Right Mutual Funds
Types of Mutual Funds
Mutual funds come in various types, such as equity, debt, and hybrid funds. Equity funds invest in stocks, debt funds in fixed-income securities, and hybrid funds in a mix of both.

Actively Managed Funds vs. Index Funds
Actively managed funds have professional fund managers who aim to outperform market indices through research and strategic decisions. Index funds, on the other hand, simply replicate market indices and lack the advantage of professional management. For higher potential returns, actively managed funds are often preferable.

Benefits of Regular Funds Through a CFP
Opting for regular funds through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) provides professional guidance. They help in selecting funds that align with your goals, reducing the risk of uninformed decisions. Direct funds require more time and knowledge, which can be challenging for new investors.

Diversifying Your Portfolio
Importance of Diversification
Diversification spreads your investments across different asset classes and sectors, reducing risk. A well-diversified portfolio balances potential returns and risks.

Asset Allocation Strategy
An effective asset allocation strategy involves spreading your investments across equity, debt, and hybrid funds. Young investors can allocate a higher percentage to equity funds for growth potential, while including debt funds for stability.

Rebalancing Your Portfolio
Regularly review and rebalance your portfolio to maintain the desired asset allocation. This ensures your investments stay aligned with your risk tolerance and financial goals.

Steps to Start Investing in SIPs
Step 1: Choose the Right Mutual Funds
Research and select mutual funds that match your investment goals and risk appetite. Consider funds with a good track record and consistent performance.

Step 2: Determine the SIP Amount
Decide on the monthly investment amount based on your financial goal, time horizon, and current financial situation. Use SIP calculators to guide you.

Step 3: Start the SIP
Initiate the SIP through an online investment platform or with the help of a Certified Financial Planner. Set up automatic transfers to ensure regular investments without fail.

Additional Investment Options
Public Provident Fund (PPF)
PPF is a safe, long-term investment option with tax benefits. It suits conservative investors and provides a fixed return over the years. Including PPF in your portfolio adds stability.

Employee Provident Fund (EPF)
If you're employed, contribute to EPF. It offers tax benefits and is a secure investment. EPF contributions accumulate over time, providing a substantial corpus upon retirement.

National Pension System (NPS)
NPS is a government-sponsored pension scheme that offers tax benefits and a mix of equity and debt exposure. It's designed to provide a steady income post-retirement.

Avoiding Common Investment Mistakes
Avoid High-Risk Investments
High-risk investments, like certain stocks or speculative ventures, can jeopardize your financial goals. Focus on stable, diversified options for long-term growth.

Avoid Unnecessary Debt
Minimise unnecessary debt. High-interest debts can eat into your savings and investments. Prioritise paying off existing debts before increasing your investment amounts.

Stay Disciplined
Staying disciplined in your investment journey is crucial. Regularly invest through SIPs, avoid impulsive financial decisions, and stick to your financial plan.

Monitoring and Reviewing Your Investments
Regular Review
Regularly review your investment portfolio to ensure it aligns with your goals. Monitor the performance of your mutual funds and make necessary adjustments.

Seek Professional Guidance
A Certified Financial Planner can provide valuable insights and help you navigate market changes. They ensure your investment strategy stays on track to meet your financial goals.

Conclusion
Starting your investment journey with SIPs at 24 is a wise decision. By defining clear financial goals, choosing the right mutual funds, and maintaining a disciplined approach, you can achieve your dream of early retirement. Diversifying your portfolio and regularly reviewing your investments are crucial steps to ensure steady growth and mitigate risks.

Your ambition to retire early with a corpus of ?5 to ?10 crore is within reach. Stay informed, stay disciplined, and seek professional guidance when needed. Your future financial independence will be the reward for the efforts you put in today.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Dr Nagarajan Jsk

Dr Nagarajan Jsk   |197 Answers  |Ask -

NEET, Medical, Pharmacy Careers - Answered on Jan 04, 2025

Career
RESPECTED SIR I APPEARED CLASS 12 BOARD IN 2024 BUT I FAIL AND NOW I APPEARING IN FEBRUARY 2025 AGAIN CAN I GIVE NEET 2025 BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE DOCTOR I HAVE DREAM TO BECOME DOCTOR SINCE CLASS 4 I AM AVERAGE STUDENT
Ans: Hi Jaimin,
Greetings.




The answer which i have given below is based on last year.
ANSWER 1: If you want to pursue medicine in ARMED FORCES MEDICAL COLLEGE (AFMC), PUNE, (Information brochure Admission to MBBS course-2024, PAGE NO. 6)

GENERAL 6. A candidate seeking admission to the MBBS Course in AFMC is eligible if he / she fulfils the following criteria: - (a) The candidate should be a citizen of India. Foreign nationals of Indian origin may be admitted into AFMC only after they have acquired Indian Citizenship or in respect of whom the Ministry of Home Affairs issues a certificate of eligibility. This however does not apply to the 05 Govt Sponsored Candidates from Friendly Foreign Countries. (b) Must be unmarried. Marriage during the course is not permitted. (c) Should be medically fit as per prescribed standards by the Govt of India, Ministry of Defence (see Appendix ‘A’). (d) Age criteria: The candidate should have attained the age of 17 years at the time of admission or should be completing that age on or before 31 Dec of the year of admission of the first year of MBBS course but must not have attained the age of 24 years on that date, i.e., must have been born not earlier than 01 January 2001 and not later than 31 December 2007. Academic Qualifications 7. Candidates must have passed one of the qualifying examinations listed at sub-para (a) to (j) below in the FIRST ATTEMPT with English, Physics, Chemistry and Biology/ Bio-technology taken simultaneously and securing not less than 60% of the aggregate marks in these three science subjects taken together and not less than 50% marks in English and 50% marks in each of the science subjects. They must have also passed an examination in Mathematics of the tenth standard. The examinations are: - (a) The Higher Secondary (10+2) or equivalent examination in science of a statutory Indian University/board or other recognized examination body with English, Physics, Chemistry & Biology/ Bio-technology which shall include practical test in all of these science subjects. (b) The Pre-professional/Pre-Medical examination with English, Physics, Chemistry and Biology/ Bio-technology (after passing either Higher Secondary School examination or pre- University or equivalent examination) which shall include practical test in these science subjects. (c) 1st year of three years Degree course of a recognized University with English, Physics, Chemistry, and Biology/ Bio-technology including practical test in science subjects provided the examination is a University Examination.

SO TO GET ADMISSION IN AFMC - 17 YEARS, FIRST ATTEMPT IN HSC, 60% AGGREGATE AND NOT LESS THAN 50% IN ENGLISH AND SCIENCE SUBJECTS.

ACCORDING TO AIIMS:
ELIGIBILITY
For Indian nationals:
An applicant is eligible for admission to the competitive Entrance Examination of the Institute if the following criteria are met with:-
Nationality: He/She is an Indian citizen
Age: He/She has attained or will attain the age of seventeen (17) years as
on the 31st of December of the year of admission. Candidates attaining seventeen   years on 1st January 2001 or later will not be eligible to appear at  the   competitive entrance examination.
Essential
Qualification:   He/She should have passed the12th Class under the 10+2 Scheme /Senior SchoolCertificate Examination or  an equivalent examination of a recognized Board of  any Indian State with ENGLISH and Medical Group of  subjects, namely   PHYSICS, CHEMISTRY (Organic and Inorganic) and BIOLOGY  (Botany and  Zoology) :
                                              OR    
The Intermediate Science (I.Sc.) or an equivalent examination of a recognized Indian university or a  recognized Board of Education of any Indian State with ENGLISH and the Medical Group of Subjects,  namely PHYSICS, CHEMISTRY (Organic and Inorganic) and BIOLOGY (Botany and Zoology):
                                               OR
Pre-Medical or Pre-Professional examination of the integrate M.B.B.S. course with ENGLISH, PHYSICS,  CHEMISTRY (Organic and Inorganic) and BIOLOGY  (Botany and Zoology); after having passed either the  higher Secondary School Examination o Pre-University Examination, or an equivalent Examination;
                                                 OR
The 1st year examination of the 3-year B.Sc degree course with ENGLISH,  PHYSICS, CHEMISTRY (Organic and Zoology) after passing the Higher Secondary or Pre-University Examination.
OR
Any other examination with the required subjects which in scope and
standard(including its courses and  syllabus) is considered by the institute to be equivalent to Pre-medical/Intermediate Science examination of an Indian University.
Minimum
Aggregate  : He/She should have obtained a minimum of SIXTY PERCENT (60%) marks in aggregate in the 4   compulsory subjects of ENGLISH, PHYSICS, CHEMISTRY (Organic and Inorganic) and BIOLOGY (Botany and Zoology).

FROM PRIVATE COLLEGE: MBBS Course (200 Seats)
Candidates who are citizens of India, NRIs, PIOs, OCIs and foreign nationals are eligible to take NEET.
Qualifying Exam: 10+2 or equivalent with Physics, Chemistry, Biology/Biotechnology and English as core subject in both Classes 11 and 12 from a recognised board.
Minimum Age Requirement: 17 years as on December 31 of the year of admission
Maximum Age Limit: No upper age limit
Qualifying Marks: UR - 50%, OBC/SC/ST - 40%, PWD - 45% (minimum aggregate marks only for PCB subjects)
Maximum Attempts: No limit on the permitted number of attempts.
Nationality:Indian Nationals, NRIs, OCIs, PIOs & Foreign Nationals


Based on the details provided, you are eligible to pursue a medicine course in India, even though you have failed your HSC. Once you clear your +2 exams and achieve the necessary marks to gain admission through NEET, you can apply. However, to gain admission to AIIMS, you must have an aggregate score of 60%. Unfortunately, you are not eligible for admission to AFMC. Therefore, you can consider other options besides AFMC to pursue your studies in medicine.
ALL THE BEST.

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |830 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Jan 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 03, 2025Hindi
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Personal Status Current Age - 35Y Male Profession - Embedded Engineer Disposal Income - 1.6L/Month Monthly Expense - 50K/Month Yearly Onetime Expenses - 3L/Year (School Fee, Premiums, Personal) Annual Disposal Income - 19,20,000 Annual Expenses - 9,00,000 Financial Status (1) Term Insurance - 1Cr (2) Health Insurance (1) Company Insurance - 3L (MySelf, Spouse, 2 Kids, Father and Mother) (2) Personal Insurance - 25L (Star Health Assure Floater Policy - MySelf, Spouse, 2 Kids) (3) Emergency Fund - 5L in Debt Fund (ICICI All Season Bond) Current Asset Allocation: (1) Real Estate - 46% (2) Equity - 20% (3) Gold - 11% (4) Debt - 9% (5) Retirement - 16% Investment Plan: (1) Debt - 25% (2) PPFAS Flexi Cap MF - 20% (3) Axis Mid Cap MF - 17% (4) Quant HealthCare MF - 9% (5) Tata Digital MF - 6% (6) Global Fund - 5% (7) UTI Nifty 50 Index - 10% (8) Stocks - 8% Other Investment (Retirement Plan): SSY - 1.5L/Year PF - 2.5L/Year Investment duration: Next 15Years Can you please guide me in the following questions (1) The Allocation to MF are fine or need to be modified? (2) Can you suggest the allocation to Global Stocks MF? (3) The Global Fund suggestion if any It would be grateful if any other things I need to consider or modify. Thank you in advance!
Ans: Hello;

My feedback is as given below:

1. First your term life cover is not adequate. It should be enhanced to
2-3 Cr.

2. Healthcare coverage for your parents is relatively lower considering that they may be in the higher age band hence higher possibility of medical risks.

3. Emergency fund should be parked in overnight/liquid or arbitrage fund. Never in a dynamic bond fund with Macaulay duration of 3-4 years. Returns are not that important as liquidity and low risk for emergency fund.

4. Considering your age the allocation to equity is quite low. Assuming that you have a conservative risk profile still you should atleast have 40% allocation to equity mutual funds(not direct stocks) and taper it down gradually as you approach retirement age.

I mean actively managed or passive equity mutual funds and not sectoral and thematic funds(shouldn't be more then 10-15% of your equity allocation).

5. You already have exposure to global stocks through your flexicap fund. In addition to that you have 5% allocation to global stocks MF which maybe enhanced to 8%.

To maintain neutrality of this forum we are duty bound to avoid indicating fund house preference or recommendation.

6. Allocation to Gold should be max 10% of the portfolio.

7. Consider NPS for retirement planning. It's an E-E-E type of investment with very less withdrawals allowed before 60.

Happy Investing;
X: @mars_invest

...Read more

Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |118 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 04, 2025

Relationship
Dear Doctor, Greetings of the day. I am a married man with two daughters. Ours was an intercaste love marriage, and I was fully aware of my wife’s past before we got married. At that time, I had no issues with her past as I believed she had moved on, and I was completely fine with it. We got married in 2008, and due to my job profile, we had to live away from our hometown. My wife is a highly educated woman, and she sacrificed her career to focus on raising our children. Once our younger daughter turned 9, we decided it was time for my wife to resume her professional career. She started a naturopathy clinic in our hometown, while I continued working in another city, living the life of a “forced bachelor.” However, after a year of being apart, I started missing my family deeply. I decided to leave my job and take up another role closer to our hometown so that I could spend weekends with my family. Since then, whenever I visit home, I sense a change in my wife’s behavior and body language. Things do not feel the same between us anymore. I have observed that her ex-boyfriend, who lives near her parents’ house, is a factor in this situation. Her ex’s elder sister frequently visits my wife’s clinic, and my wife also visits her parents’ house regularly, where he is around. I feel uneasy about this because her ex is known to be a drunkard and a manipulative man who can play with her mind. On one occasion, during a family function, he approached me, seemingly about to start a conversation, but my wife made a subtle signal, and he immediately stopped. He was drunk at the time, and that incident has been stuck in my mind ever since. I am unsure how to deal with this situation or what steps to take moving forward. It is affecting my peace of mind, and I feel lost. Kindly guide me on how to approach this matter.
Ans: It’s understandable that you’re feeling uneasy and concerned about the situation. Relationships, especially long-term ones, evolve over time, and external factors can create complex dynamics. Here’s a step-by-step approach to help you navigate this:

1. Clarify Your Feelings
Reflect on what exactly is making you uncomfortable—your wife’s behavior, her interactions with her ex, or the idea that her past might be resurfacing.
Separate your assumptions from facts. It’s important to ensure your concerns are grounded in reality and not solely based on fears.
2. Open Communication with Your Wife
Choose a calm and private moment to talk to your wife. Share your feelings without accusations or judgment.
Use “I” statements, such as:
“I’ve been feeling uneasy about some things and would like to discuss them with you. I value our relationship and want to ensure we’re on the same page.”
Be honest but gentle. Aim to understand her perspective and ensure she feels safe sharing her thoughts with you.
3. Understand Her Perspective
Ask her how she’s feeling about the current state of your relationship, her work-life balance, and your family dynamics.
Inquire about her interactions with her ex’s family and clarify if they are merely coincidental or something more deliberate.
4. Establish Boundaries
If the situation with her ex is a source of discomfort for you, it’s okay to express that and set boundaries together.
For example: “I respect your independence, but I feel uneasy about the proximity to your ex. Can we find a way to address this together?”
5. Revisit the Relationship Foundation
Long-distance and career changes can create emotional gaps. Reconnect with your wife by revisiting shared goals, dreams, and moments that brought you together.
Plan activities together, even small ones, that allow you to strengthen your bond.
6. Self-Care
Feeling lost and restless can impact your mental and emotional health. Engage in activities that help you stay grounded, such as exercise, meditation, or journaling.
Seek support from trusted friends or a counselor if you need a safe space to process your feelings.
7. Consider Professional Guidance
If the situation continues to strain your relationship, couples counseling can be a constructive way to work through concerns with an objective third party.
8. Evaluate the Bigger Picture
Look at your wife’s overall behavior and commitment to the family. If her actions consistently demonstrate care and loyalty, the presence of her ex might be less significant than it feels.
Conversely, if her behavior indicates distance or secrecy, it may warrant deeper introspection and conversation.
Key Principles
Trust but Verify: While trust is essential, it’s okay to seek clarity when something feels off.
Non-Confrontational Approach: Avoid making accusations or assumptions. Focus on fostering mutual understanding.
Focus on Solutions: Work together to create a relationship environment where both of you feel secure and valued.
This is a sensitive issue, but with open communication and a collaborative approach, you can work toward restoring peace of mind and a deeper connection in your marriage.

...Read more

Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |118 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 28, 2024Hindi
Relationship
Hi expert I’m a 48-year-old man from Bangalore. I am watching your videos on instagram and need your advice. Recently, I joined Instagram in search of answers to some personal, painful questions that I’ve never had the courage to discuss with anyone before. I’ve been married since 2007, and we have a 15-year-old son. Despite being in a long-term marriage, I often feel uncertain about my relationship with my wife and my family. At times, I wonder if my wife—or anyone in my family—truly loves or even cares for me. This feeling of being emotionally disconnected has led me to occasionally think that I might be better off alone, or even running away from everything. One issue I struggle with is communication with my wife. Whenever I try to discuss personal or family matters with her, she gets upset, and her anger usually leads to silence between us until I apologize. It feels like I can’t express myself openly without the fear of making things worse. This dynamic has created a barrier, and I’ve found it difficult to have meaningful conversations or resolve issues. Another complication is the lack of harmony between my wife and my family. From the early days of our marriage, my family never really accepted her, and there has always been tension. They didn’t make an effort to treat her well, and over time, it became clear that they don’t get along. As a result, there’s a deep sense of isolation for her in my family, and that only adds to the strain in our relationship. At home, I also often feel like I fail to meet expectations. My wife gets angry when things aren’t done the way she wants them to be, and I sometimes find myself unsure of how to navigate these situations. I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells, trying to avoid conflict, but in doing so, I’m unsure whether I’m making the right choices or whether I’m neglecting my own needs in the process. I’m reaching out for advice because I’m at a point where I feel lost. I’m not sure how to repair the relationships in my life or how to stop feeling so isolated. Any guidance or perspective you can offer would be greatly appreciated.
Ans: Thank you for sharing your story so openly and honestly. I understand how overwhelming it can feel to navigate such complex emotions and relationships, especially when you feel uncertain about where to turn for guidance. Let’s take this step-by-step to explore ways to help you find clarity and strengthen your relationships.

1. Instagram as a Starting Point, Not the Solution
It’s important to acknowledge that while platforms like Instagram can offer inspiration and helpful insights, they’re not designed for addressing deeply personal issues. Content on social media is often generalized and may lack the depth, context, and nuance needed to resolve complex challenges. What you’re experiencing deserves more personalized attention and a safe, professional space where you can explore your thoughts, emotions, and relationship dynamics in depth. Seeking professional help—such as therapy or counseling—will allow you to find tailored solutions that fit your unique circumstances.

2. Understanding Emotional Disconnect
Feeling emotionally disconnected in your marriage and questioning whether your family loves or cares for you can be incredibly painful. These feelings might not reflect the absence of love but rather difficulties in how love and care are communicated within your relationships. Emotional disconnection often stems from patterns of interaction or unmet emotional needs, which can build over time. Recognizing this can help you shift your focus from self-doubt to exploring ways to improve connection and communication with your loved ones.

3. Improving Communication with Your Wife
A recurring theme in your situation is the challenge of communication with your wife. Here are a few strategies to address this:

Choose Neutral Moments: Initiate conversations at a time when both of you are calm and free from immediate stress. Avoid starting sensitive discussions during or right after a conflict.
Express Feelings, Not Faults: Frame your concerns using “I” statements to share your feelings without sounding accusatory. For example, instead of saying, “You always get upset when I talk,” you could say, “I feel hesitant to share my thoughts because I worry about upsetting you.”
Listen Actively: Show her that her perspective matters by listening without interrupting. Reflect on what she says to ensure she feels heard.
Consider Structured Check-Ins: Set aside regular time (e.g., once a week) to discuss family matters or emotions. This can create a safe space for open dialogue without the pressure of immediate resolution.
4. Addressing Family Tensions
The tension between your wife and your family has likely added significant strain to your marriage. While this dynamic is challenging, there are steps you can take to navigate it:

Acknowledge Your Wife’s Experience: Validate her feelings about her struggles with your family. Let her know that you understand how difficult it’s been for her to feel isolated.
Set Boundaries with Your Family: It’s important to prioritize your marriage while still maintaining a respectful relationship with your family. This might involve gently but firmly communicating to your family that you expect them to treat your wife with respect, even if they don’t share a close bond.
Avoid Forcing Reconciliation: Instead of trying to make your wife and family “get along,” focus on small steps to reduce tension. Highlight shared interests or goals, but respect their individual boundaries.
5. Managing Expectations and Conflicts at Home
It’s clear that you feel under pressure to meet expectations and avoid conflict at home. To navigate this:

Clarify Expectations: Have an open conversation with your wife about her specific expectations and how you can meet them without compromising your own needs. Share your expectations as well, so you both have a clearer understanding of each other’s perspectives.
Practice Self-Care: Taking care of your mental and physical health is crucial. Whether through exercise, hobbies, or relaxation techniques, find activities that help you manage stress and maintain emotional balance.
Respond, Don’t React: When conflicts arise, take a moment to pause and reflect before responding. This can help you approach the situation with calmness and clarity.
6. Seeking Professional Help
Given the complexity of your situation, seeking professional guidance could be immensely beneficial. Options include:

Marriage Counseling: A therapist can provide a neutral space where both you and your wife can work through communication challenges and emotional disconnection. This can help you rebuild trust and strengthen your bond.
Individual Therapy: If you’re feeling isolated or questioning your self-worth, therapy can help you explore these feelings, gain clarity, and develop strategies for personal growth and resilience.
Family Counseling: If you want to address the broader family dynamics, family therapy can help facilitate understanding and harmony among all parties involved.
7. Reflecting on Your Needs
Finally, take time to reflect on your own emotional needs. What do you truly want from your relationships? What makes you feel valued and loved? Communicating these needs to your wife and family can help them understand how to support you better.

A Final Thought
You’ve taken a courageous first step by acknowledging your struggles and seeking advice. While the path ahead may feel uncertain, remember that meaningful change is possible with consistent effort, patience, and the right support. You don’t have to go through this alone, and seeking professional help can provide the tools you need to rebuild connection and find peace in your relationships.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |466 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 01, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
Hello Mam Age 42. Double divorcee. Recently I have been meeting my old college friend & we sort of know each other for the last 2 decades. At college we were more of acquaintances & post that we were connected through social media. We would sometimes connect but not on regular basis. She is also a divorcee. However in 2024 we have been meeting quite regularly. When we meet she is very nice & has been warm with me; we go out have fun. But there are things like she keeps hiding from me. She goes on overnight tours with her 'friends' ; she never introduces me to her friends ( I mean friends with whom she goes out). I told her that I am ok with your 'friends' but she sorts of backs away. Also then there have been some unexplained gaps (she turns cold all of a sudden) & then comes out very warm. All these days & I have developed strong feelings for her. Just wanted to get your perspective on what you think is her stance towards me.
Ans: It’s possible that her past experiences have made her cautious. After going through a divorce, people often carry emotional baggage or fears about vulnerability and trust. These feelings can make someone hesitant to fully open up or commit, even if they’re genuinely interested in the connection. Her keeping parts of her life private, like her outings with friends, might be her way of maintaining control and independence as she navigates her own emotions and what she wants for her future.

Another perspective to consider is that she may be uncertain about the nature of your relationship or how she feels about moving forward. The warm and cold behavior could be a reflection of her trying to figure out her own emotions. She might enjoy spending time with you but feel hesitant about diving deeper due to unresolved feelings from her past or uncertainties about what a long-term commitment would look like.

This inconsistency might also stem from her valuing her independence and wanting to keep certain aspects of her life separate until she feels more certain about how to integrate you into those spaces. For some, introducing a new partner to close friends or family is a significant step that they might delay until they feel fully ready.

It’s important for you to approach this situation with patience and open communication. Rather than focusing on her actions as signs of rejection or disinterest, try to have a heartfelt conversation about how you feel and what you’ve observed. Share your feelings honestly and express your desire to understand her better. Ask her about her thoughts and boundaries in a way that shows you’re genuinely interested in her perspective, not just seeking answers for your own clarity.

At the same time, reflect on your own needs and expectations. Consider whether you’re comfortable with the pace and level of openness in this relationship. It’s essential to strike a balance where both of you feel valued and respected without feeling pressured or overwhelmed.

Remember that relationships, especially those formed later in life, often take time to develop deeper trust and understanding. Her actions don’t necessarily mean she’s not interested; they might just reflect her personal journey and the pace at which she’s comfortable moving. With time, communication, and mutual understanding, you can work together to determine whether your connection has the potential to grow into something more fulfilling and stable.

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