Home > Money > Question
Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 13, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - May 08, 2024Hindi
Listen
Money

My current age is 30 and my current monthly take home salary is 40K per month. and My Wife Age is 29 her Salary 20K Per Month Please review my investment and suggest me is my current investment is okay or I am investing wrong way. After 15 years I want Rs 80 lakh for my daughter higher studies after next 7 years I want Rs 30 lakh for For Buying Land and after my retirement how can get Rs 2 crore after 60 years of age. SIP - Rs 10000 / - per month from 2019 till 2040 HDFC Mid Cap Plan- 3000 Paragparikh FlexiCap Plan-2000 Sbi Small Cap Plan-3000 SBI LARG And Mid Cap -2000 Home loan - Rs 7000 per month for 10 years Sukanya Samriddhi - 2000 Per month from 2019 till 2039 I Also Read To Invest More 5K Sip, Please Give You Advise.

Ans: Financial Review and Recommendations

Current Investment Analysis:

Your investment portfolio reflects a mix of equity mutual funds, Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana (SSY), and a home loan. Here's an analysis of your current investments:

Equity Mutual Funds (SIPs):

HDFC Mid Cap Fund: Rs. 3,000/month
Parag Parikh FlexiCap Fund: Rs. 2,000/month
SBI Small Cap Fund: Rs. 3,000/month
SBI Large and Mid Cap Fund: Rs. 2,000/month
Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana (SSY): Rs. 2,000/month

Home Loan: Rs. 7,000/month for 10 years

Financial Goals:

Daughter's Higher Studies (15 years): Target corpus: Rs. 80 lakhs
Buying Land (7 years): Target corpus: Rs. 30 lakhs
Retirement (After 60 years): Target corpus: Rs. 2 crores
Recommendations:

Review Asset Allocation: Your portfolio is heavily skewed towards equity mutual funds, which are suitable for long-term goals. However, ensure you have a balanced allocation across asset classes to manage risk effectively. Consider diversifying into debt or other low-risk instruments for short-term goals like buying land.

SIP Review:

Evaluate the performance of your existing SIPs and consider diversifying into different fund categories for better risk management.
Since your daughter's higher education goal is 15 years away, continue investing in equity funds but review and adjust the SIP amounts periodically based on fund performance and market conditions.
New SIP Allocation:

Allocate the additional Rs. 5,000/month SIP towards debt mutual funds or Public Provident Fund (PPF) for your short-term goal of buying land. This will provide stability and liquidity for the goal.
For long-term goals like retirement, consider increasing contributions to equity mutual funds gradually over time to benefit from compounding returns.
Emergency Fund: Ensure you have an adequate emergency fund set aside in a liquid and easily accessible instrument to cover unforeseen expenses.

Insurance Coverage: Consider investing in term insurance and health insurance policies to protect your family's financial future against unforeseen events.

Regular Review: Periodically review your investment portfolio's performance and make adjustments as needed to stay on track towards your financial goals.

Professional Advice: Consider consulting with a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) to create a comprehensive financial plan tailored to your specific needs and goals. A CFP can provide personalized recommendations and strategies to optimize your investments and achieve long-term financial security.

By following these recommendations and staying disciplined in your investment approach, you can work towards achieving your financial goals effectively.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
Money

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 25, 2024

Listen
Money
I am 36 years old, married. I am investing 45k per month on SIP ( 22k Nifty 50 UTI, 10K parag parekh, 8k SBI small cap, 5k Mid cap) , 10k in PPF, 7k NPS, 5k on stocks as investment. I have EPF as well 16k per month. I am planning to buy a house and I also I pay rent of 16k currently. I have a small flat of home loan 14k. Sir plz do let me know if my investment choice is fine or not. Also I want to have a pension of 70k-1 lac when I retire in my home town.
Ans: It's commendable to see your commitment towards saving and investing at such a young age. Let's delve into your current investment strategy and future goals.

Your SIP investments across different categories indicate a diversified approach, which is good. However, it's essential to review the performance of these funds periodically and ensure they align with your risk tolerance and financial goals.

The allocation towards PPF and NPS reflects a mix of long-term savings and retirement planning, which is a prudent move.

Considering your plan to buy a house and current home loan, it's crucial to balance your investments with your liabilities. Also, with rent and EPF contributions, ensuring sufficient liquidity for short-term needs and emergencies is vital.

For your retirement goal of having a pension of 70k-1 lac, you might want to consider increasing your NPS contributions or exploring other pension-oriented investment avenues.

A Certified Financial Planner can provide personalized advice tailored to your financial situation, goals, and risk tolerance. They can help you optimize your investment portfolio, guide you on balancing investments with your future home purchase, and align your retirement savings with your desired pension.

Remember, financial planning is a dynamic process, and it's essential to review and adjust periodically to stay on track towards your goals. Best wishes for your financial journey ahead!

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 11, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 07, 2024Hindi
Money
Hi I am 37 year old and wife is 33 yr old with a total earning of 4 lakh/month. We have a housing loan of 1.8cr, MF worth 10 lakh , PPF - 12 lakh , Life insurance - 20 lakh. Every yr we invest 1 lakh on MF , LIC & Insurance. We have 5 yr old daughter. Planning to retire at 55 with net worth of 10Cr & 1.5Cr for child education.
Ans: Comprehensive Financial Plan for Retirement and Child's Education
Understanding Your Current Financial Situation
You are 37 years old, and your wife is 33. Together, you have a monthly income of Rs 4 lakh. You have a housing loan of Rs 1.8 crore, mutual funds worth Rs 10 lakh, a PPF of Rs 12 lakh, and life insurance cover of Rs 20 lakh. Annually, you invest Rs 1 lakh in mutual funds, LIC, and insurance. You have a five-year-old daughter and plan to retire at 55 with a net worth of Rs 10 crore and Rs 1.5 crore for your daughter's education.

Setting Clear Financial Goals
Retirement Goal
You aim to retire at 55 with a net worth of Rs 10 crore. Considering an inflation rate of 6%, this corpus should be sufficient to support a comfortable lifestyle post-retirement.

Child's Education Goal
You need Rs 1.5 crore for your daughter's higher education. With education costs rising, starting early ensures you achieve this goal without financial strain.

Evaluating Current Investments
Mutual Funds
Your mutual fund portfolio is Rs 10 lakh, with an annual investment of Rs 1 lakh. Mutual funds are crucial for long-term growth due to their compounding benefits.

Public Provident Fund (PPF)
Your PPF balance is Rs 12 lakh. PPF offers safe, tax-free returns and should continue to be part of your portfolio.

Life Insurance
Your life insurance cover is Rs 20 lakh. Ensure this is adequate to cover any unforeseen events. Term insurance may provide higher coverage at lower premiums.

Analyzing Your Housing Loan
You have a substantial housing loan of Rs 1.8 crore. This loan represents a significant financial commitment. Ensure you manage this loan efficiently to avoid financial strain.

Current loan: Rs 1.8 crore
EMI: Calculate based on the interest rate and tenure to manage monthly cash flow effectively.
Enhancing Your Investment Strategy
Increasing Mutual Fund Investments
Mutual funds should form a significant part of your investment strategy due to their potential for high returns. Increase your annual SIP investments to Rs 5 lakh to build a substantial corpus.

Diversified Portfolio
Equity Mutual Funds: High growth potential; allocate 60% of your mutual fund investments here.
Debt Mutual Funds: Lower risk; allocate 20% for stability.
Hybrid Funds: Combine equity and debt; allocate 20% for balanced growth.
Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs)
Increase your SIPs to ensure a disciplined investment approach. A monthly SIP of Rs 40,000 can grow substantially over time.

Calculating Future Value of SIPs
Assuming a 12% annual return, a monthly SIP of Rs 40,000 over 18 years can accumulate a significant amount. Use an SIP calculator for precise future value calculations.

Disadvantages of Index Funds and Direct Funds
Index funds replicate market performance and may lack the potential for higher returns offered by actively managed funds. Direct funds require significant knowledge and time, which may not be suitable for everyone. Investing through a mutual fund distributor ensures professional management.

Utilizing Tax Benefits
Tax-saving Investments
Maximize contributions to tax-saving instruments like PPF, ELSS funds, and NPS. These provide tax deductions under Section 80C and additional benefits under Section 80CCD for NPS.

Efficient Tax Management
Review your investments for tax efficiency. Long-term capital gains on equities are taxed at 10% beyond Rs 1 lakh. Mutual funds provide tax-efficient growth compared to traditional savings.

Insurance Coverage
Adequate Life Insurance
Ensure you have adequate life insurance coverage. A term insurance plan provides high coverage at a low premium, securing your family's financial future.

Comprehensive Health Insurance
With a family of three, having comprehensive health insurance is crucial. Ensure your policy covers all family members and has a high sum insured to protect your savings from medical emergencies.

Planning for Child's Education
Child Education Fund
Start a dedicated education fund for your daughter. Invest in child-specific mutual funds or education plans that offer long-term growth. Starting early ensures a substantial corpus for her higher education.

Emergency Fund
Building a Safety Net
Maintain an emergency fund covering at least six months of expenses. This fund protects against unexpected financial challenges. Consider keeping this amount in a high-yield savings account or liquid mutual funds for easy access.

Managing Your Housing Loan
Efficient Loan Repayment
Consider prepaying your housing loan when possible to reduce the interest burden. Evaluate if refinancing options offer lower interest rates, helping manage EMIs effectively.

Retirement Planning
Creating a Retirement Account
Consider opening a retirement-specific account like the National Pension System (NPS). NPS offers tax benefits and helps build a retirement corpus with professional management. Invest regularly in this account for long-term growth.

Pension Plans
Explore pension plans that provide regular income post-retirement. These plans ensure a steady flow of income and financial security during retirement.

Building a Sustainable Retirement Corpus
Calculating Future Value
Using the earlier example, let’s calculate the future value of your current investments.

PPF: Rs 12 lakh + annual investments for 18 years at 7% = significant growth
Mutual Funds: Rs 10 lakh + Rs 40,000 monthly SIP for 18 years at 12% = substantial corpus
Equity Shares: Assuming 10% annual growth
Total estimated corpus needs to be regularly reviewed and adjusted based on market conditions and personal circumstances.

Regular Review and Rebalancing
Regularly review your investment portfolio. Market conditions and personal circumstances change over time. Rebalancing ensures your portfolio stays aligned with your goals.

Professional Guidance
Consult a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) for personalized advice. A CFP can help create a comprehensive financial plan tailored to your goals. They offer professional insights and strategies to achieve your retirement and education objectives.

Final Insights
Achieving your retirement goal of Rs 10 crore and Rs 1.5 crore for your daughter's education requires disciplined saving and investing. Regularly review and adjust your financial plan. Focus on long-term growth and tax efficiency. With careful planning, you can retire at 55 with financial security and peace of mind.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 25, 2024

Money
Sir, My age is 40. I have a family with Mom, Dad, 2 daughters aged 13 years and my wife. I am the only source for income in my family. I am a business person and average monthly profit is approx 2 to 3 lakhs. There are lots of ups and downs in the business and profits are not consistant. So I am doing daily SIP of 5000 in HDFC Top 100 growth. Till date the MF is approx 9 lakhs. I have purchased a flat of Rs 1cr. With an home loan of 40 lakhs. Current EMI is 35000, tenure 20 years started last year. I have taken 2 health insurance policies, one for my mom and dad and another for us. Total yearly premium is 1.25 lakhs. My monthly expenses are approx 1.5 lakhs. I am bit worried about Daughters higher education as they wish to pursue MBBS. Secondly I need to save for my retirement. I wish to retire at 55. Please suggest if I am on right track or I need to change my investment patterns?
Ans: It's great to see your proactive approach towards securing your family's future. Managing finances for a family with varying needs can be challenging, especially when running a business with fluctuating income. Let's evaluate your current financial situation and devise a strategy to achieve your goals, particularly focusing on your daughters' education and your retirement plan.

Current Financial Situation
Monthly Income and Expenses
Average Monthly Profit: Rs 2 to 3 lakhs.
Monthly Expenses: Rs 1.5 lakhs.
EMI: Rs 35,000 for home loan.
Daily SIP: Rs 5,000 in HDFC Top 100 growth.
Health Insurance Premium: Rs 1.25 lakhs per year.
Assets and Liabilities
Mutual Fund Investment: Approx Rs 9 lakhs.
Home Value: Rs 1 crore with Rs 40 lakhs loan.
Health Insurance: Two policies covering the family.
Financial Goals
Daughters' Higher Education: Aim for MBBS, requiring substantial funds.
Retirement: Wish to retire at age 55.
Evaluating Current Investment Patterns
Daily SIP in HDFC Top 100 Growth
Benefits: Regular investment, rupee cost averaging, potential for high returns.
Concerns: Single fund exposure increases risk, need for diversification.
Home Loan and EMI
Home Loan: Rs 40 lakhs with a Rs 35,000 monthly EMI over 20 years.
Interest Burden: Long tenure increases interest cost, affecting cash flow.
Diversification: Mitigating Risks and Enhancing Returns
Mutual Funds: Broadening Horizons
Equity Funds: Diversify beyond HDFC Top 100 to include mid-cap and small-cap funds for growth.
Debt Funds: Include for stability and consistent returns, reducing overall risk.
Hybrid Funds: Mix of equity and debt for balanced growth and stability.
Systematic Investment Plan (SIP) Strategy
Monthly SIP: Instead of daily SIPs, consider monthly SIPs in diversified funds.
Allocation: Spread Rs 1.5 lakhs monthly investment across multiple funds.
Review and Adjust: Regularly review fund performance and adjust as needed.
Education Planning: Securing Your Daughters' Future
Estimating Costs for MBBS
Current Costs: Private medical colleges can cost Rs 50 lakhs to Rs 1 crore.
Inflation Adjustment: Factor in education inflation, typically 8-10% annually.
Education Fund: Building a Corpus
Dedicated SIPs: Start dedicated SIPs for education planning, considering time horizon and risk appetite.
Balanced Allocation: Mix of equity and debt to ensure growth and stability.
Education Loans: An Alternative
Low-Interest Education Loans: Consider for bridging gaps in funding.
Tax Benefits: Interest on education loans is tax-deductible.
Retirement Planning: Ensuring a Comfortable Future
Retirement Corpus: Estimation
Current Lifestyle: Rs 1.5 lakhs monthly expenses, adjusting for inflation.
Corpus Required: Calculate based on desired retirement age, life expectancy, and inflation.
Building the Corpus: Strategic Investments
Equity Exposure: Higher equity exposure for growth in the early years.
Gradual Shift: Move to debt funds as retirement approaches to secure capital.
Regular Review: Adjust portfolio to stay aligned with goals.
Pension Plans: A Steady Income Stream
Pension Funds: Invest in pension funds for regular income post-retirement.
Annuities: Consider annuities for guaranteed income, despite not recommending them as a primary option.
Managing Health Insurance: Ensuring Comprehensive Coverage
Adequate Sum Insured: Ensure health insurance covers all potential medical costs.
Annual Review: Review and adjust coverage based on family health needs and inflation.
Emergency Fund: A Safety Net
Liquid Assets: Maintain an emergency fund covering 6-12 months of expenses.
Investment Vehicles: Keep in high-liquidity instruments like savings accounts or liquid mutual funds.
Final Insights
Regular Monitoring and Adjustments
Review Periodically: Regularly review and adjust your financial plan.
Adapt to Changes: Stay flexible to adapt to market changes and personal circumstances.
Professional Guidance
Certified Financial Planner (CFP): Consider consulting a CFP for personalized advice.
Continuous Learning: Stay informed about financial products and market trends.
Your proactive approach is commendable, and with a few strategic adjustments, you can confidently secure your family's future and achieve your financial goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 27, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025Hindi
Listen
Money
I am 66 years old and retired and have one daughter married and well settled and has 2 children aged 5 years son and 3 years daughter. I have no liabilities and have a family income of Rs.3 lakhs per month thru rental. My monthly expenses is Rs 50 K per month and annual payments of medical, vehicle and property tax is Rs.3.25 Lakhs. I have direct equity invested around 1.2 CR and Invested in PMS now valued at Rs.85 Lakhs. I have plot valued at 1.6 CR and 2 independent house valued at 3cr. I have a commercial property which gives me above rental is valued at Rs.5 CR. Now kindly advise me how i should investment my earnings which will help my daughter and 2 grand children for for their future education. My above income is after paying the taxes to the government. I lead a simple life and travel every year 2 times.
Ans: Your financial position is strong with no liabilities.

Monthly rental income of Rs. 3 lakhs covers your expenses and lifestyle.

Monthly expenses of Rs. 50,000 and annual expenses of Rs. 3.25 lakhs leave ample surplus.

You have diversified assets, including equity (Rs. 1.2 crore), PMS (Rs. 85 lakhs), real estate (Rs. 9.6 crore), and regular rental income.

You lead a simple life, which allows significant potential for wealth accumulation and legacy planning.

Investment Goals
Your primary focus is to:

Ensure financial security for your family.

Support your daughter and grandchildren’s education and future needs.

Maintain sufficient liquidity for personal travel and unexpected medical costs.

Recommendations for Asset Allocation
1. Equity Investments
Your current direct equity portfolio (Rs. 1.2 crore) and PMS (Rs. 85 lakhs) are commendable.

Direct equity requires active tracking and expertise.

Shift part of your direct equity to regular mutual funds through a Certified Financial Planner.

Regular funds offer professional management and long-term growth.

Retain PMS if it meets your return expectations and aligns with your risk appetite.

2. Emergency Fund
Allocate 6–12 months of expenses to liquid funds.

This ensures liquidity for unexpected expenses or emergencies.

Investments for Daughter and Grandchildren
1. Education Fund for Grandchildren
Start investing in child-focused mutual funds for their education.

Choose regular funds through an experienced Certified Financial Planner.

These funds offer professional management and goal-based growth.

Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs) in equity funds can help accumulate the required corpus.

2. Legacy Fund
Invest in diversified mutual funds for wealth creation.

Choose a mix of large-cap, flexi-cap, and balanced advantage funds.

This portfolio can grow steadily while preserving wealth.

Real Estate Diversification
Avoid further investments in real estate.

Real estate is illiquid and challenging to manage during retirement.

Liquidate one property if diversification is needed.

Use the proceeds to invest in mutual funds or bonds.

Fixed Income Options
Consider investing in corporate bonds or debentures for steady income.

Choose bonds rated “AAA” for safety.

Avoid annuities as they provide low returns and limited flexibility.

Tax-Efficient Planning
Review tax-saving strategies with a Certified Financial Planner.

Equity investments (LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh taxed at 12.5%) are tax-efficient.

Ensure proper tax documentation for real estate and rental income.

Track PMS returns and tax implications yearly.

Liquidity and Annual Expenses
Set aside Rs. 25–30 lakhs in a liquid fund.

This covers your annual travel, property taxes, and medical expenses.

Keep medical insurance for yourself and your family updated.

Succession and Estate Planning
Create a will to ensure smooth asset transfer.

Include clear instructions for property distribution.

Discuss creating a trust for your grandchildren’s education and future needs.

Travel and Lifestyle Funding
Use rental income surplus to fund annual travel.

Avoid withdrawing from long-term investments for discretionary expenses.

Final Insights
You have built a strong financial foundation.

Focus on simplifying investments for better management.

Diversify and invest in professionally managed mutual funds.

Plan for family needs with a balanced approach to risk and growth.

Regularly review your portfolio with a Certified Financial Planner.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |507 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 26, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025Hindi
Relationship
He ma'am, Me and my husband are of same age 35 and its been 5yrs we got married but we don't have physical relationship at all my husband says we don't have intimacy, I forced home to visit doctor and the blood reports says all okay, as per his saying cause I don't understand the medical terms much....but if everything is okay medically still he never tries to come closer earlier we tried but he use stop in between before having sex and run to washroom and sit there for long ...and this was becoming mystry for me,bi asked him he said everything is fine it will take time and everything will be fine earlier he use to use washroom for long but now he does not .....in expectation that things will become better I wasted my 5 yrs. As a person he is good but as a husband he is lacks i wated my carrier as I am not getting any job in perticular city, and with is I started feeling useless as I had dreamt of living peaceful and happy life with him but everything went wrong no love, no emotional support, no physical intimacy no carrier nothing. I shared this with my mother in law as he was behind me for baby so one day I told her that we don't have physical relationship so please don't expect baby he didn't believe me but later on she started believing but she didn't take any action she is quite...how will I survive in this environment when I don't have reason to live...my husband support my family financially and because of that I not able to take any step..I feel suffocated at my in-laws place, I don't like to stay there he just makes me happy by shopping, watching movies that it but is this enough for the happy relationship. I was so friendly with him that I said that let me know what there in your mind you don't like me he said no I like you...then I asked him then why you don't want to get physical I started getting self-doubt on myself, he said you don't respond while sex but you tell me in 5 years we hardly tried 6-7 time and I responded him but he use to run to washroom in mid of play what would I do then I tried giving him hints for having sex but he use to ignore now you say that in 5 yrs of period we didn't has sex then don't you think there's major issue and when I say we should visit doctor then he says I have medical proof that I am physically fine... coming on my MIL part she used our bedroom toilet though we have 2 washroom out is western so she uses ours so there is no privacy our bedroom is never locked because of my MIL when I Iock my husband gets early in morning and open the lock for my MI, please tell me is this right every now and then she comes in our room and interfere in our conversation, her this behaviour feels like she is insecure about his son as FIL is more...I discuss with my husband that atleast we should have our privacy so he says yes but take no action...he does commitment but never fulfills...basic expectations I have from him that if not physical then atleast spent time with me, let's go and explore place he says yes but never go, I agreed on every point I lived according to my MIL she is selfish instead of knowing all problem she just want fasting for his son, making food what he likes, doing puja for his son success...you tell me in return I am not getting anything still I kept on doing my best to prove best bshu and best wife but no good change... I going through anxiety, stress, depression because of this I lost my confidence, no carrier nothing....now I decided to look for job in other city and thing for my mental peace and become independent because staying with him in 5 yrs didn't bring good changes instead I lost myself in my making them happy...what should I do please help ...he say that I don't want weekend wife now you tell me why I not think of myself now he says, I want to stay with you but if there is not change after so many try then it's useless he always says will work this out but it never happened, I tried my best.now I said will look for job in other city and will meet in weekend spend time together, and I will be there in all your worst situation. But now I can be jobless and asking for money everytime from him....he thinks money is the solution for all.He says no weekend wife how long this will work then but he is not giving me any choice, he says though I want to stay with you but if weekend wife the seperation is only option no divorce but seperation please guide *regarding physical relationship, *regarding my MIL interference despite of knowing everything, no privacy, her insecurity *And my decision of taking job in other as I am not getting opportunity in same city, staying together is also brings no change. Pls suggest.
Ans: The issue with the lack of physical intimacy is not simply about the act itself; it represents a disconnect in your relationship. Your husband's avoidance of intimacy and his reluctance to fully address the matter, despite your efforts, suggest deeper underlying challenges—perhaps emotional, psychological, or situational. While you’ve already taken steps by opening conversations, it’s clear that progress has stalled because this isn’t something you can resolve on your own. A professional intervention, such as couples therapy or sex therapy, could provide a neutral ground to explore these concerns. Presenting this option to him as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship rather than assign blame might help him feel less defensive. However, his willingness to engage will be a critical measure of his commitment to addressing these long-standing issues.

The lack of boundaries with your mother-in-law is another significant stressor that’s undermining your marriage and your mental peace. A healthy relationship requires a sense of security and privacy, which has been compromised by her interference. While it’s natural to want to maintain respect within a family, your husband’s inability or unwillingness to enforce boundaries is enabling a dynamic where you feel powerless and overlooked. The fact that you’ve expressed your concerns and seen no action suggests that waiting for change may not lead anywhere. You need to clearly communicate to your husband that privacy is not negotiable for the survival of your relationship. If he continues to prioritize his mother’s comfort over your peace, it will remain a barrier to the intimacy and connection you’re seeking.

The decision to pursue a job in another city reflects your need to reclaim control over your life and mental well-being. This isn’t just about financial independence—it’s about rediscovering your sense of purpose and confidence after years of feeling stuck. Your husband’s opposition to the idea of a “weekend wife” underscores his resistance to change, but his reluctance to address the core issues in the relationship leaves you with no alternative. Staying in this environment without progress will only deepen your feelings of suffocation and self-doubt. Choosing to prioritize your career is not a failure of the relationship; it’s a necessary step to protect your own mental health. You’ve already demonstrated immense patience and effort over the past five years, and now it’s time to invest in yourself.

As a coach, I would encourage you to focus on actionable steps: seeking therapy for clarity, setting non-negotiable boundaries with your husband regarding privacy and mutual respect, and pursuing your professional goals with confidence. By stepping into a space where you feel empowered, you’ll be in a better position to assess whether this relationship can evolve into the partnership you deserve. It’s important to remember that you’re not walking away from the marriage by making these decisions—you’re simply ensuring that your needs and well-being are no longer sidelined.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |507 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 26, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025
Relationship
He ma'am, Me and my husband are of same age 35 and its been 5yrs we got married but we don't have physical relationship at all my husband says we don't have intimacy, I forced home to visit doctor and the blood reports says all okay, as per his saying cause I don't understand the medical terms much....but if everything is okay medically still he never tries to come closer earlier we tried but he use stop in between before having sex and run to washroom and sit there for long ...and this was becoming mystry for me,bi asked him he said everything is fine it will take time and everything will be fine earlier he use to use washroom for long but now he does not .....in expectation that things will become better I wasted my 5 yrs. As a person he is good but as a husband he is lacks i wated my carrier as I am not getting any job in perticular city, and with is I started feeling useless as I had dreamt of living peaceful and happy life with him but everything went wrong no love, no emotional support, no physical intimacy no carrier nothing. I shared this with my mother in law as he was behind me for baby so one day I told her that we don't have physical relationship so please don't expect baby he didn't believe me but later on she started believing but she didn't take any action she is quite...how will I survive in this environment when I don't have reason to live...my husband support my family financially and because of that I not able to take any step..I feel suffocated at my in-laws place, I don't like to stay there he just makes me happy by shopping, watching movies that it but is this enough for the happy relationship. I was so friendly with him that I said that let me know what there in your mind you don't like me he said no I like you...then I asked him then why you don't want to get physical I started getting self-doubt on myself, he said you don't respond while sex but you tell me in 5 years we hardly tried 6-7 time and I responded him but he use to run to washroom in mid of play what would I do then I tried giving him hints for having sex but he use to ignore now you say that in 5 yrs of period we didn't has sex then don't you think there's major issue and when I say we should visit doctor then he says I have medical proof that I am physically fine... coming on my MIL part she used our bedroom toilet though we have 2 washroom out is western so she uses ours so there is no privacy our bedroom is never locked because of my MIL when I Iock my husband gets early in morning and open the lock for my MI, please tell me is this right every now and then she comes in our room and interfere in our conversation, her this behaviour feels like she is insecure about his son as FIL is more...I discuss with my husband that atleast we should have our privacy so he says yes but take no action...he does commitment but never fulfills...basic expectations I have from him that if not physical then atleast spent time with me, let's go and explore place he says yes but never go, I agreed on every point I lived according to my MIL she is selfish instead of knowing all problem she just want fasting for his son, making food what he likes, doing puja for his son success...you tell me in return I am not getting anything still I kept on doing my best to prove best bshu and best wife but no good change... I going through anxiety, stress, depression because of this I lost my confidence, no carrier nothing....now I decided to look for job in other city and thing for my mental peace and become independent because staying with him in 5 yrs didn't bring good changes instead I lost myself in my making them happy...what should I do please help ...he say that I don't want weekend wife now you tell me why I not think of myself now he says, I want to stay with you but if there is not change after so many try then it's useless he always says will work this out but it never happened, I tried my best.now I said will look for job in other city and will meet in weekend spend time together, and I will be there in all your worst situation. But now I can be jobless and asking for money everytime from him....he thinks money is the solution for all.He says no weekend wife how long this will work then but he is not giving me any choice, he says though I want to stay with you but if weekend wife the seperation is only option no divorce but seperation please guide *regarding physical relationship, *regarding my MIL interference despite of knowing everything, no privacy, her insecurity *And my decision of taking job in other as I am not getting opportunity in same city, staying together is also brings no change. Pls suggest.
Ans: The issue with the lack of physical intimacy is not simply about the act itself; it represents a disconnect in your relationship. Your husband's avoidance of intimacy and his reluctance to fully address the matter, despite your efforts, suggest deeper underlying challenges—perhaps emotional, psychological, or situational. While you’ve already taken steps by opening conversations, it’s clear that progress has stalled because this isn’t something you can resolve on your own. A professional intervention, such as couples therapy or sex therapy, could provide a neutral ground to explore these concerns. Presenting this option to him as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship rather than assign blame might help him feel less defensive. However, his willingness to engage will be a critical measure of his commitment to addressing these long-standing issues.

The lack of boundaries with your mother-in-law is another significant stressor that’s undermining your marriage and your mental peace. A healthy relationship requires a sense of security and privacy, which has been compromised by her interference. While it’s natural to want to maintain respect within a family, your husband’s inability or unwillingness to enforce boundaries is enabling a dynamic where you feel powerless and overlooked. The fact that you’ve expressed your concerns and seen no action suggests that waiting for change may not lead anywhere. You need to clearly communicate to your husband that privacy is not negotiable for the survival of your relationship. If he continues to prioritize his mother’s comfort over your peace, it will remain a barrier to the intimacy and connection you’re seeking.

The decision to pursue a job in another city reflects your need to reclaim control over your life and mental well-being. This isn’t just about financial independence—it’s about rediscovering your sense of purpose and confidence after years of feeling stuck. Your husband’s opposition to the idea of a “weekend wife” underscores his resistance to change, but his reluctance to address the core issues in the relationship leaves you with no alternative. Staying in this environment without progress will only deepen your feelings of suffocation and self-doubt. Choosing to prioritize your career is not a failure of the relationship; it’s a necessary step to protect your own mental health. You’ve already demonstrated immense patience and effort over the past five years, and now it’s time to invest in yourself.

As a coach, I would encourage you to focus on actionable steps: seeking therapy for clarity, setting non-negotiable boundaries with your husband regarding privacy and mutual respect, and pursuing your professional goals with confidence. By stepping into a space where you feel empowered, you’ll be in a better position to assess whether this relationship can evolve into the partnership you deserve. It’s important to remember that you’re not walking away from the marriage by making these decisions—you’re simply ensuring that your needs and well-being are no longer sidelined.

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

Close  

You haven't logged in yet. To ask a question, Please Log in below
Login

A verification OTP will be sent to this
Mobile Number / Email

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to

Resend OTP in120seconds

Dear User, You have not registered yet. Please register by filling the fields below to get expert answers from our Gurus
Sign up

By signing up, you agree to our
Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

Already have an account?

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to Mobile

Resend OTP in120seconds

x