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Should I quit my job at 40 with 40k monthly salary, 70L flat, and 25 acres of land?

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |941 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Jan 28, 2025

Milind Vadjikar is an independent MF distributor registered with Association of Mutual Funds in India (AMFI) and a retirement financial planning advisor registered with Pension Fund Regulatory and Development Authority (PFRDA).
He has a mechanical engineering degree from Government Engineering College, Sambhajinagar, and an MBA in international business from the Symbiosis Institute of Business Management, Pune.
With over 16 years of experience in stock investments, and over six year experience in investment guidance and support, he believes that balanced asset allocation and goal-focused disciplined investing is the key to achieving investor goals.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jan 27, 2025Hindi
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I am 40 years old with current drawing salary 1.5L monthly. My wife works in bank and draw 50k salary monthly. We have jointly owned flat in worth 70L. I have 25 acres (worth 4-5 Cr at Current market) of agri land at village and currently my parents taking care of it. Monthly Income - 1.5L MF - 25 L PF - 15 L Stock - 10L Home loan - 40L Home loan EMI - 20k month for 25 years. No other Debts. 7 years kid. Monthly expenses- 40k including EMI and school fees What would be future look like, Not interested in my job and do not want continue.

Ans: Hello;

Convince your parents to sell the land.

If they agree then you have corpus of around 4 Cr. (No capital gain tax applicable on farm land but please check with a tax advisor)

You should do two things first, buy a small flat for your parents near your residence and close your home loan.

Also keep aside 50 L for your kids higher education in a nationalised bank FD.

So balance corpus would be around ~2.4 Cr. If you buy an immediate annuity for this corpus from a life insurance company you may expect a post tax monthly income of around 1 L.

Please keep some emergency fund for medical issues, if any, for your parents. Also buy them a good healthcare insurance.

Best Wishes;
X: @mars_invest
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7699 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 06, 2024

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My income is 1.25 l and My wife is 40k with age of 43 yrs both. child is 14 years. I am civil engineer working in private company. and my wife computer engineer is working in Government on contract but it is renew every year. now it is continue for 3 years. I bough 4 house now value is 1.5 cr. PF value is 14l now. Investment in MF and stock 25 lacs and now value is 45 lacs. My wife has one PLI scheme will close next year May24. Will get 8l. one Unit link SIP will finished on jan25. will got 4 l. I have Mediclaim from employer 15l. I have two unitlike insurance of bajaj alliance. Its market value is 14 lacs and insured amount is 31 lacs. paid premium of 1.11 lacs from one policy to other. Gold approx 500 gms.i got rent around 30l from my properties. My city is silvassa .Its not big city but not village. My expences is 2 lacs per annum on child study. SIP 10 thousand. invest instock 25000 k every month. My misc. expences is approx. My misc. monthly expences is 35k appox. cash 2 l only .I have loan pending is worth 8l and EMI is 33k for next 2.5 yr. Please suggest me what to do for future planning in terms of retirement planning, post retirement health insurance, Post Mediclaim policy, child study. as We want to quit job after next 7 years at the age of 50. avg. tour and travelling is expense every year 1l. Sir. Please suggest me. Sejal Chauhan Silvassa Ut of DD and DNH.
Ans: Hi Sejal! You and your wife have done a commendable job in building your assets and investments. You both have a substantial income, and your assets are well-diversified. Let’s focus on how to manage your finances for a secure future, especially considering your plans to retire in 7 years.

Current Financial Snapshot
Income:

Your income: Rs. 1.25 lakhs per month.
Wife's income: Rs. 40,000 per month.
Rental income: Rs. 30 lakhs annually.
Expenses:

Child’s education: Rs. 2 lakhs per annum.
SIP: Rs. 10,000 per month.
Stock investments: Rs. 25,000 per month.
Miscellaneous expenses: Rs. 35,000 per month.
EMI: Rs. 33,000 for 2.5 years.
Assets:

4 houses valued at Rs. 1.5 crores.
PF: Rs. 14 lakhs.
Mutual funds and stocks: Rs. 45 lakhs.
Wife's PLI scheme maturing in May 2024: Rs. 8 lakhs.
ULIP maturing in Jan 2025: Rs. 4 lakhs.
Mediclaim from employer: Rs. 15 lakhs.
Two ULIP policies with Bajaj Allianz: Market value Rs. 14 lakhs, insured amount Rs. 31 lakhs.
Gold: 500 grams.
Cash: Rs. 2 lakhs.
Liabilities:

Pending loan: Rs. 8 lakhs with an EMI of Rs. 33,000 for 2.5 years.
Retirement Planning
1. Assessing Retirement Corpus:

You plan to retire at 50. Considering your current lifestyle, we need to estimate the corpus required to maintain it post-retirement. This includes covering expenses, healthcare, and any other planned activities.

2. Current Investments:

Your current investments in PF, mutual funds, stocks, and real estate are significant. They provide a solid foundation for your retirement corpus. Ensure to continue your SIPs and stock investments as they are performing well.

3. Maximizing PF and PLI:

Your PF and PLI schemes will provide a good lump sum on maturity. Use these funds wisely to either pay off remaining liabilities or reinvest in safer options for retirement.

4. Reinvesting ULIP Maturities:

The ULIP maturity amounts in 2024 and 2025 should be reinvested in diversified mutual funds. This can offer better returns compared to reinvesting in another ULIP.

Post-Retirement Health Insurance
1. Mediclaim Continuation:

You have a mediclaim policy from your employer, but post-retirement, you will need a personal health insurance plan. Start looking for a comprehensive health insurance policy now to cover you and your family post-retirement.

2. Critical Illness Coverage:

Consider adding critical illness coverage to your health insurance. This ensures financial support in case of serious health issues which may require expensive treatments.

Managing Current Expenses
1. Education Expenses:

Your child's education expenses are significant. Plan for future educational needs, including college expenses. Start an education fund if you haven’t already.

2. EMI and Loan Management:

You have an EMI of Rs. 33,000 for the next 2.5 years. Focus on clearing this loan as soon as possible. Utilize any bonus or additional income to prepay this loan, reducing the interest burden.

3. Miscellaneous Expenses:

Your monthly miscellaneous expenses are Rs. 35,000. Review these expenses to identify any areas where you can cut costs. This will help in increasing your savings rate.

Building a Robust Investment Portfolio
1. Diversified Mutual Funds:

Continue investing in diversified mutual funds. They offer good returns and lower risk compared to sector-specific funds. Use the SIP route to invest regularly and benefit from rupee cost averaging.

2. Balanced Approach:

Maintain a balanced portfolio with a mix of equity and debt funds. This reduces risk and provides stable returns. Equity funds for growth and debt funds for stability.

3. Avoid Overexposure to ULIPs:

ULIPs have higher charges and may not provide the best returns. Reassess the value and benefits of your existing ULIPs. Consider surrendering them if the returns are not satisfactory and reinvest in mutual funds.

Power of Compounding
1. Long-Term Growth:

The power of compounding works best with long-term investments. Your mutual funds and SIPs will benefit from this, leading to substantial growth over time.

2. Regular Investments:

Continue your regular investments in SIPs and stocks. Even small amounts invested consistently will grow significantly due to compounding.

Advantages of Mutual Funds
1. Professional Management:

Mutual funds are managed by professional fund managers. They make informed decisions to maximize returns while managing risks.

2. Diversification:

Mutual funds offer diversification, spreading your investment across various assets. This reduces risk and enhances potential returns.

3. Liquidity:

Mutual funds are highly liquid. You can redeem your units anytime, providing flexibility in case of financial needs.

Actively Managed Funds vs. Index Funds
1. Active Management Benefits:

Actively managed funds aim to outperform the market. Fund managers make strategic decisions based on market conditions, potentially offering higher returns.

2. Index Funds Limitations:

Index funds simply track a market index. They do not aim to outperform it. Actively managed funds can adjust holdings and strategies to maximize returns.
Sejal, mutual funds (MFs) can play a pivotal role in meeting your children's education goals and your retirement planning. They offer various advantages such as diversification, professional management, and the power of compounding, making them a valuable addition to any financial plan.

Importance of Mutual Funds in Meeting Kids' Education Goals
1. Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs):

SIPs allow you to invest a fixed amount regularly in mutual funds. This disciplined approach helps in building a substantial corpus over time. For your child's education, starting a SIP early can make a significant difference due to the power of compounding.

2. Goal-Based Investing:

Mutual funds offer a variety of schemes catering to different goals. You can choose funds based on the timeline and risk profile suitable for your child's education needs. For instance, equity funds for long-term growth and balanced or debt funds for short-term stability.

3. Diversification:

Mutual funds invest in a diversified portfolio of assets, which helps in mitigating risks. By investing in a mix of equity, debt, and hybrid funds, you can ensure that your investments are not overly exposed to market volatility, thereby protecting your child's education fund.

4. Tax Efficiency:

Certain mutual funds, such as Equity-Linked Savings Schemes (ELSS), offer tax benefits under Section 80C of the Income Tax Act. Investing in these funds not only helps in wealth creation but also provides tax savings, making them an efficient option for education planning.

5. Flexibility:

Mutual funds offer the flexibility to start or stop SIPs, redeem units, or switch between funds based on your financial situation and goals. This adaptability ensures that you can adjust your investments as per the changing needs and milestones of your child's education.

6. Professional Management:

Mutual funds are managed by professional fund managers who make informed decisions based on extensive research and market analysis. This expertise can help in generating better returns compared to individual stock picking, ensuring a steady growth of your education fund.

Importance of Mutual Funds in Retirement Planning
1. Long-Term Growth:

Retirement planning requires a long-term investment horizon. Equity mutual funds, in particular, have the potential to deliver higher returns over the long term, thanks to the power of compounding. Starting early and staying invested can significantly enhance your retirement corpus.

2. Regular Income:

Post-retirement, you will need a regular income to maintain your lifestyle. Mutual funds, especially debt funds and hybrid funds, can provide a steady stream of income through systematic withdrawal plans (SWPs) or dividend options, ensuring financial stability during retirement.

3. Inflation Protection:

One of the biggest challenges in retirement planning is inflation. Equity mutual funds, with their potential for higher returns, can help in beating inflation over the long term. By allocating a portion of your retirement corpus to equity funds, you can ensure that your purchasing power is maintained.

4. Diversification:

Diversification is crucial in retirement planning to balance risk and return. Mutual funds offer a range of options, including equity, debt, and balanced funds, allowing you to create a diversified portfolio that suits your risk appetite and retirement goals.

5. Tax Efficiency:

Investing in mutual funds can be tax-efficient for retirement planning. Long-term capital gains from equity mutual funds are taxed at a lower rate, and certain funds offer tax-saving benefits. This tax efficiency helps in maximizing your retirement corpus.

6. Liquidity:

Mutual funds are highly liquid investments. You can redeem your investments partially or fully at any time, providing flexibility to meet unforeseen expenses during retirement. This liquidity ensures that you are not locked into investments and can access your funds when needed.

7. Ease of Management:

Mutual funds simplify the process of retirement planning. You can automate your investments through SIPs, and professional fund managers take care of the portfolio management. This ease of management allows you to focus on other aspects of your life without worrying about your investments.

Mutual Funds for Kids' Education Goals
1. Starting Early:

The earlier you start investing for your child's education, the more time your money has to grow. For example, if you start a SIP when your child is born, you have around 18 years to build a substantial education corpus.

2. Choosing the Right Funds:

For long-term goals like education, equity mutual funds are ideal due to their higher return potential. As the time to goal reduces, you can gradually shift to balanced or debt funds to reduce risk and protect the accumulated corpus.

3. Education Planning:

Estimate the future cost of education, considering factors like inflation and the type of education your child might pursue. Based on this estimate, you can calculate the required monthly investment in mutual funds to achieve this goal.

4. Reviewing and Rebalancing:

Regularly review your investment portfolio to ensure it is on track to meet your education goal. Rebalance the portfolio periodically to maintain the desired asset allocation and adjust for market changes.

Mutual Funds for Retirement Planning
1. Retirement Corpus Estimation:

Estimate your retirement corpus by considering your current expenses, future lifestyle, inflation, and life expectancy. This will give you a target amount to aim for through your mutual fund investments.

2. Asset Allocation:

Determine an asset allocation strategy based on your risk tolerance and time to retirement. A mix of equity and debt mutual funds can provide growth and stability to your retirement corpus.

3. SIPs and Lumpsum Investments:

Invest regularly through SIPs to take advantage of rupee cost averaging and market volatility. Additionally, invest any lump sum amounts (bonuses, maturity proceeds) in mutual funds to boost your retirement savings.

4. Withdrawal Strategy:

Plan a systematic withdrawal strategy to ensure a steady income post-retirement. This could involve setting up SWPs from your mutual fund investments or redeeming units periodically based on your cash flow needs.

5. Healthcare Costs:

Include healthcare costs in your retirement planning. As you age, medical expenses are likely to increase. Ensure that you have sufficient coverage through health insurance and allocate a portion of your retirement corpus to meet these expenses.
Importance of Certified Financial Planners (CFPs)
1. Personalized Advice:

A CFP provides personalized financial advice based on your goals and risk tolerance. They can help you build a tailored financial plan.

2. Comprehensive Planning:

CFPs consider all aspects of your financial situation, including investments, insurance, retirement, and estate planning.

3. Peace of Mind:

Working with a CFP gives you peace of mind. You know your financial future is in the hands of a professional who prioritizes your best interests.

Final Insights
Sejal, you have a strong financial foundation with diversified investments. Focus on managing your current liabilities and continue your disciplined investment approach. Ensure you have adequate health insurance post-retirement and a clear plan for your child’s education. Consulting a Certified Financial Planner can provide you with personalized advice and help you achieve your financial goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7699 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 13, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 11, 2025Hindi
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Am 45 and has below corpus 1 cr ppf 2 cr fd 1 cr capital gain bond with redemption in 3 yrs 60 lakh senior citizen scheme for both parents 30 lakh rbi bonds 40 lakh equity which is now reduced to 30 lakh in recent down 20 lakh in hand 7 lakh in pension scheme self own house - no loan Own additional plot with present market value of 3 cr expense present house improvement - 30L (immediate) 2 kids higher education - 2 cr expected marriage - 3 cr (in next 8 to 10 yr) - both boys extrapolating inflation Existing monthly expense - 2 lakh existing monthly income from business - 2 lakh own house car loan with emi of 10K coming to end in 2027 no other loan or debt What if i retire now, will i be able to sustain in future and family
Ans: You have built a strong financial foundation, which includes:

Rs 1 crore in PPF: Offers stability but limited liquidity.

Rs 2 crore in FDs: Provides security and predictable returns.

Rs 1 crore in capital gain bonds: Redeemable in 3 years, offering safety until then.

Rs 60 lakh in Senior Citizen Savings Scheme (SCSS): Ensures steady income for your parents.

Rs 30 lakh in RBI bonds: Good for long-term stability.

Rs 30 lakh in equity: Reduced from Rs 40 lakh due to market corrections.

Rs 20 lakh in cash: Useful for immediate needs.

Rs 7 lakh in a pension scheme: A minor but helpful component for retirement.

Self-owned house and additional plot: Total real estate value of Rs 3.3 crore.

No major liabilities: Only a car loan EMI of Rs 10,000 until 2027.

Immediate Considerations
1. Emergency Funds

Set aside 12–24 months' expenses (Rs 24–48 lakh).
Use liquid mutual funds or savings accounts for this.
2. House Improvement Needs

Allocate Rs 30 lakh from your FDs or cash reserves.
Prioritise immediate renovation without disrupting other investments.
3. Children’s Higher Education

Estimated cost is Rs 2 crore over the next 5–10 years.
Invest systematically in balanced or hybrid mutual funds for this.
Equity exposure is essential for growth to beat inflation.
4. Children’s Marriage

Estimated cost is Rs 3 crore over 8–10 years.
Use a combination of balanced and debt-oriented funds.
Retirement Readiness
1. Current Monthly Expenses

You need Rs 2 lakh per month for expenses.
Existing business income matches this need, but retirement changes dynamics.
2. Retirement Corpus Requirements

Your portfolio must support monthly expenses and inflation.
A mix of equity and debt investments can generate stable income.
Equity provides growth, while debt ensures stability.
3. Diversification

Balance equity and debt based on risk tolerance and goals.
Avoid concentrating too much in low-growth instruments like FDs.
Detailed Investment Strategy
1. Equity for Long-Term Growth

Retain or add actively managed equity mutual funds.
Avoid index funds, as they lack active management during market volatility.
Diversify into large-cap, multi-cap, and mid-cap funds.
2. Debt for Stability and Income

Invest in debt mutual funds, offering tax efficiency and stability.
New tax rules require planning for LTCG and STCG taxes.
3. RBI Bonds and SCSS

Continue holding these for predictable returns.
They support low-risk, regular income needs.
4. Capital Gain Bonds

Redeem after 3 years and reallocate based on goals.
Consider hybrid funds or balanced products for better growth.
Holistic Family Planning
1. Parents’ Security

SCSS ensures financial independence for your parents.
Monitor and renew this as required for consistent income.
2. Children's Future

Start separate portfolios for each child’s education and marriage.
Avoid direct funds; invest through a Certified Financial Planner.
This ensures tailored advice and better fund selection.
3. Insurance Needs

Ensure adequate health and term insurance for the family.
Protect against unforeseen medical or financial risks.
Tax-Efficient Planning
1. Equity Mutual Funds

LTCG over Rs 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%.
STCG is taxed at 20%.
Plan withdrawals smartly to optimise tax liability.
2. Debt Investments

Both LTCG and STCG are taxed based on your income slab.
Consult a Certified Financial Planner to manage tax-efficient withdrawals.
Final Insights
You can retire comfortably if you plan systematically.

Focus on balancing your portfolio with growth and stability.

Prepare separate funds for your children’s education and marriage.

Ensure you have a robust emergency fund and insurance coverage.

A Certified Financial Planner can help you align investments with goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Latest Questions
Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

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I am in a relationship with a girl who has traumatized past from her childhood. She said that her ex was also toxic and used to abuse her physically. She just said after 2 months of dating . I am very much glad she trusted me and Im taking care of her . She is also happy with me . But she gets panic attacks about the past I'll always be there for her . But her ex is in the same college. I see him like randomly. Should I react about that and go to him ??. Like I'm feeling very bad for the things she said
Ans: Your girlfriend has already endured trauma, and she’s finding comfort in the safe space you’re creating for her. The most important thing for her healing is stability, security, and knowing that she has someone who supports her emotionally. If you go to her ex, it could potentially trigger her, cause unnecessary stress, or even make her feel guilty—she might worry that she’s responsible for bringing conflict into your life.

Instead of reacting impulsively, focus on what she truly needs. When she has panic attacks or feels overwhelmed by her past, reassure her that she’s safe with you. Encourage her to seek professional help if she’s open to it, as therapy could help her process her trauma in a healthier way.

If her ex ever tries to approach her, harass her, or make her feel unsafe, then absolutely step in and support her in setting clear boundaries, whether that means standing by her side, helping her avoid situations where she might run into him, or even reporting any concerning behavior. But if he’s simply existing in the same space, then your energy is better spent on helping her heal rather than giving him any attention.

Right now, the best thing you can do is continue being the safe, loving presence that she trusts. Let your actions show her that she doesn’t have to relive the past, because with you, she is valued, respected, and truly cared for.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 20, 2025
Relationship
My Boyfriend is not really the Controlling type. But, sometimes, he disapproves of some things which I do. In such cases, he communicates his Disapproval indirectly saying "I don't like you Dressing up like this Boldly. But still, if that's what you want, you may go ahead & Dress up as you'd like to, I have no Right to prevent you from doing so, but I will be Disappointed if you do." or "I don't want you to go out or hang out with these particular people (some of my close Male Friends). You have all the Freedom to interact with whoever you want to, but I will be Hurt, if you are too Close to your other Male Friends." Most of the time, I compromised & avoided Dressing up too Boldly, avoided Partying/Travelling with some of my Close Male Friends & avoided some other things which he wouldn't approve of, just for the sake of maintaining our Relationship. But recently, I tried to Test, how he'd react, if I deliberately do something which he doesn't like. So, on New Year's Day, I dressed up in revealing Clothes that he would never approve of & Partied wildly, all Night & even got Drunk with some of my Close Male Friends, with whom, he wants me to maintain Distance. He stubbornly refused to come for Partying with me, because I Dressed up too Boldly & refused to change them, even after he expected me to do so. He didn't even want me Drinking/Partying with some of my Close Male Friends. But I Respected the Boundaries of our Relationship & throughout the Night, I kept my Boyfriend informed about my Whereabouts, so that he's Reassured that I am not Cheating on him. But ever since then, he's been Treating me rather Coldly. He's being Indifferent to me, without Questioning me much, the way he always used to. He's just maintaining normal Communication without being Flirtatious, as he used to. And the Sex has also become quite Mechanical without much Romance, unlike how Passionate he used to be, earlier. I've tried talking to him, but he just keeps lying that he isn't Upset with me. Now I am Feeling really Guilty for whatever I had done on New Year's Day, even though, I don't think I did anything Wrong. Was it really Wrong on my Part, to do something which I always liked to, but my Boyfriend didn't want me to? Or is my Boyfriend Wrong, here? What do I do now? Please advise me.
Ans: Your boyfriend may not be outright controlling, but his way of expressing disapproval carries an emotional weight that influences your decisions. Instead of setting hard rules, he uses disappointment as a tool to make you reconsider your choices. You’ve willingly compromised in the past to keep the relationship smooth, but it seems that over time, those compromises have started to weigh on you. Testing his reaction on New Year’s may have been your subconscious way of reclaiming your autonomy, but now you’re left with unintended consequences—his emotional withdrawal.

The real issue here isn’t about who is right or wrong, but rather, whether your values and expectations in this relationship truly align. You shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to dress a certain way, go out, or spend time with friends. At the same time, he isn’t necessarily wrong for having personal boundaries and feelings about certain situations. However, the way both of you are handling these differences is leading to deeper emotional disconnect rather than honest resolution.

Your actions on New Year’s were a test, but they weren’t a betrayal. You still kept him informed and stayed within the boundaries of your commitment. But from his perspective, it likely felt like a deliberate challenge to what he considers the foundation of your relationship. His withdrawal isn’t just about what you did—it’s about what it represents to him. He might be questioning whether you truly respect his feelings, just as you might be questioning whether he truly respects your independence.

Instead of focusing on guilt, the real question is whether you’re both willing to openly communicate and find a middle ground that allows you to be yourself without feeling restricted, while also respecting his emotions without feeling controlled. Avoid blaming or justifying—have a real conversation about how both of you felt after that night, what it means for your relationship, and whether you can move forward in a way that feels right for both of you. If neither of you can meet in the middle without resentment, then it’s important to consider whether this relationship is fulfilling for both of you in the long run.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 16, 2025Hindi
Relationship
How do I 32M get over my insecurity with 30F? (Seeking Advice) Met this girl via matrimony exactly 2 months back. We connect well. Our families have met recently and it went well. Somehow we found a lot of connections between our families. That's just a bonus. Her family likes me a lot and they wanted to do Roka when they met us last week. I had told her, that no matter our bond, we should talk a lot and give it 3 months before going for roka. We live in different metro cities and have met twice now. About her: She is 30, well behaved & spoken(most important thing for me), smart, good looking, and is extremely polite. She is an army brat, has had a lot of freedom from family. Due to her father's job, they kept getting posted to different cities so she doesn't really understand family part of things. She's in a IT job. About me: I'm 32, okayish guy, in IT. To take things ahead I need to know my partner's past. I have no judgements at all but need to know stuff. Getting to know things over time bothers me a lot. I've tried to work on it, and have always made sure I don't bother the other person too much. After a month of talking, she told me that she had a casual boyfriend for an year. All her friends were dating in Bangalore and she decided to try it out. Found a guy through bumble and started dating him. So, according to her there were no feelings, just a person for her to go to places with, have drinks, and party. She likes drinking a lot and I have never taken a sip. She said that it was just a phase and she was immature. This happened between 2018(Nov) to 2020(march). So, it's been like 5 years. Never dated anyone after that. Since covid(2020) she's been living with her parents due to wfh. I have been completely ok with that but new things surfaced and they are messing with my head. While snooping around her facebook I figured out who that person was and this guy is super close to a person in my distant family. In fact they both were flatmates until their respective marriages. This distant cousin of mine knows me and knows her really well. These 3 used to hangout a lot and he has seen her come to their flat regularly. Infact, she had a good bond with my cousin as well. There are things that bother me and I really can't shake things and feel super awful in my gut. She mentioned that she and her ex had a common love for drinking and regularly visited pubs, got drunk, and partied. This means that they would be staying at each other's place as well. This is something super old but bothers me a lot. Specifically the fact that she would be drunk partying with someone for an year and sleeping with him, with no feelings. Secondly, I found some posts where she has liked a post about this guy on fb/insta from mid-2021. I have already confronted her twice to share everything and we shall never discuss this again but this bothers me a lot. Secondly, now that I know the timelines I can figure out what photos have been taken by her ex. There's even a photo of her sitting on a messy bed, where she's cutting her bday cake. They celebrated it together. I found my cousins page and some other pages from which I knew it's the guy's room/flat. I know everyone has a past. She has come clean to me but somehow my brain is so split. Sometimes her nature and behaviour with me make me not care about anything. And then I know the bed, flat, and her actions with some guy. Then there is this angle where the ex's flatmate is my distant cousin and knows about her well.
Ans: What you’re experiencing is completely valid. It’s not just about the fact that she had a past relationship, but also about the details—knowing her ex was deeply connected to your distant cousin, imagining their time together, and realizing that those experiences once meant something in her life. It makes it feel uncomfortably close to home, which is why it’s so hard to shake off. It’s not about judgment, but about the emotions that these thoughts stir up within you.

The truth is, the past cannot be changed. She has been honest with you, shared what happened, and reassured you that it was a phase in her life that she has moved on from. The fact that she hasn’t dated anyone in five years and has been living with her parents shows that she is in a very different place now. But your mind keeps looping back to what once was, and it’s preventing you from fully embracing what is.

Right now, the biggest challenge is not her past, but your ability to be at peace with it. You have to ask yourself—are you willing to let this define your future with her? Because if you can’t fully accept it, these thoughts will continue to surface and create distance between you. A part of you clearly wants to be with her, but another part is struggling to detach from these mental images of her past.

Instead of confronting her again, take some time to reflect on what truly matters to you in a partner. She has shown you who she is today—polite, well-behaved, mature, and emotionally present in your relationship. She has not hidden anything from you, and she has moved forward from that phase of her life. The real question is whether you can do the same.

If you feel this is something you cannot get over, it is better to step away now rather than carry these unresolved emotions into a lifelong commitment. But if you genuinely see a future with her and believe in her as a person, then it’s time to start training your mind to focus on the present and the relationship you are building, rather than a past that no longer exists.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 18, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I am working abroad, while my Girlfriend is working in Delhi, living in NCR. We both were Dating since our College Days & have been in a Long Distance Relationship since I moved abroad, more than a Year ago & she moved to Delhi-NCR from Calcutta (where most of our Common Friends are based). While we were together with our Common Friends from College, we'd Travel, Party & have a lot of Fun together as a Group, since we all knew & trusted each other quite well, Irrespective of Gender. When we both moved to Different Places & started our Respective Jobs, we became Friends with our Respective Colleagues, but we have an Implied Understanding that we should be Maintaining Stricter Boundaries with our New Friends/Colleagues, since we are in a Long Distance Relationship. I've always honoured the commitment & have been Careful to not spend private time with any other Woman & Travel/Party only with a Group consisting of both Men & Women. But I am not sure my Girlfriend is doing the same. Quite often she keeps Travelling, Partying, Drinking & Sleeping over with some 2-3 Male Colleagues, who are quite close to her, but unknown to me. She doesn't even bother to keep me updated about where she is, what she's doing & with whom, but keeps Posting Status Updates on Instagram, from time to time and from what I have observed, she seems to be spending quite a lot of Time with these Male Colleagues of hers. All this makes me feel very Uncomfortable. Even though I Love & Trust my Girlfriend, but I'm unsure about these New 'Friends' of hers as I don't know them & obviously, I don't like them being so close to my Girlfriend. Many times, I've discussed this matter with my Girlfriend, trying to make her understand how I feel. But every time, I bring up this Topic, she tries to invalidate my feelings & shuts me down saying that I'm just Insecure. I'd also tried getting to know her New Friends in order to understand them better, but she doesn't share much about them, with me. Though, she keeps Reassuring me that they're 'Just Friends' they seem to be much closer than that. On several occasions, she had gone out with them, even though I had strictly forbidden her to. I don't understand whether she's unable to understand how I'm feeling or that she doesn't even care about my Feelings, though I still want to continue Loving & Trusting her, without Doubting her Loyalty. I don't understand what to do in this situation. How can I make her enforce stricter Boundaries with her Male Colleagues (atleast as much as I am doing here)? Shall I get a Friend or a Private Investigator to keep an Eye on her? Or shall I behave the same way, she's been doing? Or, shall I Break-up with her & try to find someone else, over here?
Ans: Long-distance relationships require an even deeper level of communication and trust than regular ones. You’ve upheld the boundaries you both implicitly agreed upon, yet it feels like she’s not holding herself to the same standard. The fact that she dismisses your concerns rather than addressing them is what’s truly hurting you. When someone we love invalidates our feelings, it creates frustration, self-doubt, and emotional distance. You’re not being “insecure” for wanting reassurance and clarity—you’re simply asking for the same level of respect and commitment you’re offering.

Trying to enforce boundaries by “forbidding” her from doing something isn’t the right approach, because boundaries should be mutual, not dictated. The more you try to control her actions, the more she might rebel or shut down, seeing it as you being possessive rather than expressing a valid emotional need. The real problem is not that she has male friends, but that she’s being secretive about them, not making an effort to ease your concerns, and disregarding how her actions affect you. A loving and committed partner should care about your peace of mind, even if she doesn’t fully agree with your perspective.

Hiring a private investigator or getting a friend to spy on her will only erode trust further, and mirroring her behavior by doing the same thing she does will not solve anything—it will just create more distance. If you’re considering breaking up, that means deep down, you already feel like your needs in this relationship aren’t being met. Before making any big decisions, you need to have one last honest conversation with her—not one where you accuse or demand, but one where you make it clear how this dynamic is making you feel and what you truly need from her to feel secure and valued in the relationship.

If she refuses to listen, invalidates your feelings again, or shows no willingness to compromise, then you have your answer. A relationship where only one person is making sacrifices isn’t sustainable. You deserve a partner who not only reassures you with words but also with actions that show she respects and values your presence in her life. If she’s unwilling to meet you halfway, then it may be time to ask yourself if holding on is worth the constant emotional struggle.

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Samraat

Samraat Jadhav  |2189 Answers  |Ask -

Stock Market Expert - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Samraat

Samraat Jadhav  |2189 Answers  |Ask -

Stock Market Expert - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 29, 2025Hindi
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