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I'm 37, married, and want to retire by 55 with a corpus of 1.5 Cr - how should I invest?

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7699 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 18, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jul 14, 2024Hindi
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I am 37,Married. Wife is 31 years. Together we have a earning of 2 L per month in hand. We have jointly 31 L invested in MF with 52 L valuation, also has 20K pm SIP. We have 12 L in Stock with 21 L valuation, 6.5 L in PPF, 14 L in EPF, 8L in SGB and finally around 10 L in FD + 2 L cash as emergency fund. We have fixed family expense of 60k monthly family expense and another 55k emi for home loan going on for next 20 years. Would like to retire by 55 with a corpus of 1.5 Cr (inflation adjusted). Please suggest.

Ans: Current Financial Snapshot
Monthly Income: Rs 2L (combined)
Monthly Expenses: Rs 60K
EMI: Rs 55K (20 years remaining)
Emergency Fund: Rs 10L in FD + Rs 2L cash
Investments
Mutual Funds: Rs 31L (current value Rs 52L)
Monthly SIP: Rs 20K
Stocks: Rs 12L (current value Rs 21L)
PPF: Rs 6.5L
EPF: Rs 14L
SGB: Rs 8L
Goals
Retirement Age: 55 years
Retirement Corpus: Rs 1.5 Cr (inflation-adjusted)
Appreciating Your Efforts
You have a well-diversified portfolio. Your disciplined investing through SIPs and maintaining an emergency fund are commendable.

Assessing the Gap
To retire with a corpus of Rs 1.5 Cr in 18 years, you need to calculate how much more you need to save and invest. Considering inflation and current savings, let's plan your investments.

Investment Strategy
Increasing SIPs
Current SIP: Rs 20K
Increase SIP to Rs 30K: This will help accelerate your corpus growth.
Asset Allocation
Mutual Funds:

Continue with current funds.
Add new funds to diversify further.
Stocks:

Maintain current portfolio.
Consider investing additional amounts if comfortable with market volatility.
PPF and EPF:

Continue contributions. These are stable and tax-efficient.
Sovereign Gold Bonds (SGB):

Good for diversification and inflation hedge.
No need to add more; keep current allocation.
Emergency Fund
Maintain your current emergency fund (Rs 12L).
Ensure it is easily accessible.
Detailed Allocation Plan
Mutual Funds:

Rs 30K SIP in a diversified portfolio of funds.
Include large-cap, mid-cap, small-cap, and balanced advantage funds.
Stocks:

Reinvest dividends.
Consider adding high-quality, long-term stocks.
PPF and EPF:

Continue regular contributions.
Aim for maximum yearly PPF contribution (Rs 1.5L).
Monitoring and Rebalancing
Review Quarterly: Check performance and rebalance if necessary.
Annual Rebalancing: Adjust asset allocation based on market conditions and goals.
Insurance and Contingency
Life Insurance: Ensure adequate coverage.
Health Insurance: Include family members in the plan.
Final Insights
To meet your retirement goal, increase your SIP to Rs 30K, maintain current investments, and review regularly. Diversify across different asset classes for stability and growth.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
Asked on - Oct 19, 2024 | Answered on Oct 21, 2024
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Hi, Submitting a follow up question. My current MF SIP Allocation as below Parag Parikh Flexi cap 8k SBI Blue chip 3k ABSL Flexi cap 2k ABSL ELSS 2k Sbi emerging business 2k sbi magnum global 2k Do I need to change anything?
Ans: Your current SIP allocation is spread across multiple funds with a focus on both flexi-cap and large-cap segments. While this is a decent diversification, there could be potential overlap in stock holdings, especially with similar fund categories.

To optimize your portfolio and reduce any redundancies, it's a good idea to consult a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) or a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD). They can provide personalized advice based on your goals, risk profile, and time horizon.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7699 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 19, 2024

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Hello Team, I am 39 yrs old and currently have 40 lakhs in mutual fund and doing a SIP of 1lakh 10 k monthly, i have shares around 15 lakhs and around 22 lakhs in crypto and 14 lakhs in PF. Currently i have 13 lakhs home loan, 4.5 lakhs car loan and also bought a new house where 1.9 cr loan will be taken. My plan is to sell the current house which will fetch me 1 cr so ideally 90 lakhs loan will remain in future. Please advise me how can i retire at 45 with corpus of 5 to 6 cr.
Ans: Frst, congratulations on building a substantial investment portfolio and planning for your financial future. Managing diverse investments and loans can be challenging, but with strategic planning, your goals are achievable.

Current Assets and Liabilities
Let's summarise your financial standing:

Mutual Funds: ?40 lakhs
SIPs: ?1.10 lakhs monthly
Shares: ?15 lakhs
Cryptocurrency: ?22 lakhs
Provident Fund (PF): ?14 lakhs
Home Loan (Existing): ?13 lakhs
Car Loan: ?4.5 lakhs
New Home Loan: ?1.9 crores (expected to reduce to ?90 lakhs after selling the current house)
Evaluating Your Retirement Goal
You aim to retire at 45 with a corpus of ?5 to ?6 crores. Given your current age of 39, you have six years to build this corpus.

Managing Existing Loans
Current Home Loan
You plan to sell your current house for ?1 crore, which will help reduce your new home loan to ?90 lakhs. This is a sound strategy to lower your debt.

Car Loan
The car loan of ?4.5 lakhs is relatively small. Consider paying it off early if possible, as this will reduce your monthly outflows and save on interest.

Investment Strategy
Mutual Funds and SIPs
You have ?40 lakhs in mutual funds and a monthly SIP of ?1.10 lakhs. This disciplined approach will significantly contribute to your retirement corpus.

Continue Your SIPs: Maintaining your SIPs is crucial. Consider increasing the SIP amount if your income allows, as this will accelerate your corpus growth.

Actively Managed Funds: Focus on actively managed funds with a consistent performance record. These funds aim to outperform the market and can help achieve your target returns.

Equity Investments
You have ?15 lakhs in shares. Equities can provide high returns over the long term, but they are volatile.

Diversification: Ensure your equity portfolio is diversified across sectors to manage risk.

Regular Review: Monitor your equity investments and rebalance your portfolio as needed to align with market conditions.

Cryptocurrency
Cryptocurrency investments worth ?22 lakhs are high-risk. While they can offer substantial returns, the volatility is significant.

Limit Exposure: Consider limiting your exposure to cryptocurrencies to avoid excessive risk.

Reallocate Gains: If there are substantial gains, consider reallocating some of these funds to more stable investments.

Retirement Corpus Calculation
Estimating Required Returns
To achieve a corpus of ?5 to ?6 crores in six years, you need to focus on high-growth investments while managing risks.

Compound Growth
Your existing investments and monthly SIPs will grow significantly due to compounding. Here’s a simplified approach:

Mutual Funds and SIPs: With aggressive and balanced mutual funds, aim for an annualised return of 12-15%.

Equities and Crypto: While high-risk, these can offer returns above 15%, but exposure should be managed carefully.

Debt Management
Reducing Loan Burden
Pay Off Small Loans: Clear the car loan and any other small debts to reduce financial stress.

New Home Loan: Focus on prepaying the new home loan. Reducing this loan early will significantly lower your interest burden and increase disposable income for investments.

Professional Guidance
Consulting a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can help tailor your investment strategy. A CFP can provide personalised advice, monitor your portfolio, and make necessary adjustments.

Regular Monitoring and Rebalancing
Review Portfolio: Regularly review your investment portfolio to ensure alignment with your retirement goals.

Rebalance Investments: Periodically rebalance your investments to manage risk and optimise returns.

Conclusion
With disciplined investing, strategic debt management, and professional guidance, retiring at 45 with a corpus of ?5 to ?6 crores is achievable. Focus on high-growth investments, manage risks, and regularly review your portfolio to stay on track.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7699 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 18, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 10, 2024Hindi
Money
I am 35 year old . I have 20 lakhs invested in MF small cap and flexicap. My salary is 1.5 L in hand . I want to retire by 55 years with a corpus of 10 crores . Please suggest
Ans: Current Financial Position
First, congratulations on your investments and a solid monthly income. You have Rs 20 lakhs in small cap and flexicap mutual funds. With a monthly salary of Rs 1.5 lakh, you are in a strong position to grow your wealth and meet your retirement goal of Rs 10 crore by 55.

Assessing Your Investment Portfolio
Small Cap and Flexicap Funds
Your current investments in small cap and flexicap funds indicate a willingness to take on risk for higher returns. Small cap funds can offer substantial growth, while flexicap funds provide flexibility in allocation across market capitalizations, helping manage risks.

Diversification
Diversifying across different asset classes is essential. Although small caps can provide high returns, they are also volatile. Flexicap funds offer some diversification, but consider spreading investments across other equity funds, debt instruments, and fixed income securities to balance risk and reward.

Active Fund Management
Actively managed funds, like the ones you are currently invested in, often outperform passive index funds due to professional management. Fund managers actively select stocks, aiming to achieve better returns than the market.

Setting Financial Goals
Retirement Corpus of Rs 10 Crore
To accumulate Rs 10 crore in the next 20 years, a systematic approach is essential. Regular investments, disciplined savings, and smart financial planning will be your keys to success.

Monthly Savings and Investments
With a monthly salary of Rs 1.5 lakh, you have the capacity to save and invest significantly. Aim to allocate a substantial portion of your income towards investments. This disciplined approach will help you reach your retirement goal.

Investment Strategies
Increase SIP Amount
Consider increasing your monthly Systematic Investment Plan (SIP) contributions. This will enhance the compounding effect and accelerate the growth of your corpus. Start by assessing how much more you can comfortably invest each month.

Diversified Equity Funds
Invest in a mix of large cap, mid cap, and small cap equity funds. Large cap funds provide stability, mid cap funds offer growth potential, and small cap funds can deliver high returns. This balanced approach reduces risk while maximizing returns.

Debt Instruments
Incorporate debt instruments into your portfolio. These provide stable returns and reduce overall portfolio risk. Options include government bonds, corporate bonds, and debt mutual funds. These investments add a layer of security and ensure consistent growth.

Balanced Funds
Consider balanced funds or hybrid funds, which invest in both equities and debt. These funds provide growth and stability, reducing the impact of market volatility on your portfolio. They are managed by professionals who adjust the asset allocation based on market conditions.

Regular Reviews
Regularly review your investment portfolio. Monitor the performance of your funds and make adjustments as needed. This proactive approach ensures that your investments remain aligned with your financial goals.

Tax Efficiency
Utilize tax-efficient investment options to maximize your returns. Equity-linked savings schemes (ELSS) offer tax benefits under Section 80C of the Income Tax Act. These funds provide tax deductions while delivering equity returns, enhancing your overall portfolio performance.

Risk Management
Diversification
Diversify your investments across various asset classes to manage risk effectively. Avoid over-concentration in any single asset class, ensuring a balanced and resilient portfolio.

Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund to cover unforeseen expenses. This fund should be easily accessible and liquid. It provides financial security and prevents the need to liquidate long-term investments during emergencies.

Insurance Coverage
Ensure you have adequate insurance coverage. Life insurance and health insurance protect your financial well-being and provide peace of mind. Adequate coverage ensures that your financial goals remain on track even in adverse situations.

Steps to Achieve Retirement Goal
Step 1: Assess Current Financial Status
Evaluate your current financial situation, including income, expenses, and existing investments. This assessment provides a clear picture of your starting point and helps in planning the way forward.

Step 2: Set Monthly Savings Target
Determine a realistic monthly savings target based on your income and expenses. Aim to save and invest at least 30-40% of your income. This disciplined approach will help you reach your retirement goal.

Step 3: Choose Suitable Investment Options
Select investment options that align with your risk tolerance and financial goals. Diversify across equity funds, debt instruments, and balanced funds. Regularly review and adjust your investments to optimize returns.

Step 4: Monitor and Review
Regularly monitor and review your investment portfolio. Track the performance of your investments and make necessary adjustments. Stay informed about market trends and economic conditions to make informed decisions.

Step 5: Seek Professional Advice
Consult a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) for personalized advice. A CFP can provide insights into market conditions and suggest strategies aligned with your financial goals. Professional guidance ensures that your investments are well-managed and optimized for growth.

Evaluating Investment Options
Equity Mutual Funds
Investing in equity mutual funds is essential for long-term growth. Large cap, mid cap, and small cap funds provide a balanced approach to risk and return. Choose funds with a strong track record and professional management.

Debt Mutual Funds
Debt mutual funds offer stable returns and reduce overall portfolio risk. They invest in government securities, corporate bonds, and other fixed-income instruments. Include these in your portfolio for consistent growth and stability.

Hybrid Funds
Hybrid funds, also known as balanced funds, invest in both equities and debt. These funds provide growth potential and stability, reducing the impact of market volatility. They are managed by professionals who adjust the asset allocation based on market conditions.

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
SIP is a disciplined way to invest regularly in mutual funds. It allows you to invest a fixed amount at regular intervals, benefiting from rupee cost averaging and the power of compounding. Increase your SIP contributions to enhance your corpus over time.

Achieving Financial Independence
Financial Discipline
Maintain financial discipline by sticking to your investment plan. Avoid unnecessary withdrawals and ensure regular contributions to your investments. Consistent investing and financial discipline are key to achieving your retirement goal.

Knowledge and Awareness
Stay updated with financial news and market trends. This knowledge will help you make informed decisions about your investments. Regular updates ensure that your investment strategy remains relevant and effective.

Flexibility and Adaptability
Be flexible with your investment strategy. If market conditions change, be prepared to adjust your strategy. Flexibility ensures that your investments remain aligned with your financial goals.

Long-Term Perspective
Maintain a long-term perspective on your investments. Market fluctuations are normal, but a long-term approach helps you stay focused on your financial goals. Avoid reacting to short-term market movements and stay committed to your investment plan.

Emergency Preparedness
Maintain an emergency fund to cover unforeseen expenses. This fund should be liquid and easily accessible. It provides financial security and prevents the need to liquidate long-term investments during emergencies.

Final Insights
Reaching your goal of Rs 10 crore by the age of 55 is achievable with a strategic and disciplined approach. Focus on optimizing your current investments, increasing contributions to high-growth instruments, and maintaining a balanced portfolio. Regular reviews and professional guidance will keep you on track. Remember, consistency and informed decision-making are key to financial success.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7699 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 17, 2024Hindi
Money
I 39 yr and my wife 32 both make about 175k in a month. We have no obligation and our monthly expense is 35-40k. We have savings of 80lac in FD, Gold ornament of 25 lac. No equity exposure. We want to retire in 10 years with a corpus of 10Cr. Kindly help us in our planning
Ans: You and your wife have a combined monthly income of Rs 1.75 lakhs. Your expenses are between Rs 35,000 to Rs 40,000. This leaves you with a significant surplus of Rs 1.35 lakhs to Rs 1.40 lakhs per month. You also have a solid savings base, with Rs 80 lakhs in FDs and Rs 25 lakhs in gold ornaments. Your goal is to retire in 10 years with a corpus of Rs 10 crores.

Let's explore a step-by-step plan to help you achieve this goal.

Savings Allocation

Your current savings are mainly in FDs and gold. FDs are safe, but they may not give you the growth needed to reach your Rs 10 crore target. Gold is a good hedge against inflation but may not be sufficient for wealth creation. You need to diversify your portfolio by introducing equity exposure.

Equity Exposure

Equity investments are crucial for long-term growth. They typically offer higher returns compared to FDs or gold over a long period. However, they come with higher risk. But, since your investment horizon is 10 years, equity can help you achieve significant growth. Begin with an allocation of around 50-60% of your monthly savings to equity mutual funds.

Actively Managed Mutual Funds

It’s important to invest in actively managed funds instead of index funds. Actively managed funds, overseen by experienced fund managers, aim to outperform the market. This can potentially lead to better returns compared to index funds, which merely mimic the market’s performance. Consider starting with large-cap and multi-cap funds for stability and growth.

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)

To manage market volatility and discipline your investments, SIP is the way to go. Start SIPs in equity mutual funds with a significant portion of your monthly savings. This will allow you to invest regularly, spread your risk, and benefit from rupee cost averaging.

Debt Investments

While equity exposure is important, you should also balance it with debt investments. Debt funds or high-yield bonds can offer stability and lower risk. This will safeguard a part of your corpus against market fluctuations. Allocate around 20-30% of your savings to debt funds.

Rebalancing Your Portfolio

Over time, your portfolio will need adjustments. As you approach retirement, gradually reduce your equity exposure and increase your debt allocation. This will protect your accumulated wealth from market downturns as you near your goal. Rebalance your portfolio annually or as needed.

Emergency Fund

Even with your high income and savings, having an emergency fund is crucial. This should cover at least 6 months of your living expenses. Keep this fund in a liquid instrument like a savings account or a liquid fund. This ensures easy access in case of unforeseen circumstances.

Insurance Planning

Review your insurance needs to ensure your family is financially secure. Health insurance is vital to cover medical emergencies. Since you have no existing equity exposure, you may not have a term life insurance policy. A term plan is essential as it offers high coverage at a low premium, ensuring financial security for your family in case of an unfortunate event. Avoid investment-cum-insurance policies like ULIPs, as they generally provide lower returns compared to mutual funds.

Tax Planning

Effective tax planning can increase your investable surplus. Use tax-saving instruments like ELSS funds, which not only save taxes but also offer equity exposure. This way, you can save tax under Section 80C and simultaneously grow your wealth.

Retirement Corpus Estimation

To achieve Rs 10 crores in 10 years, you need a strategic plan. Given your current savings and monthly surplus, you can systematically invest in a mix of equity and debt to reach your target. Equity mutual funds, with their potential for higher returns, will play a key role in this. However, regular monitoring and rebalancing of your portfolio will be essential.

Avoiding Common Pitfalls

Avoid concentrating your investments in one asset class. Relying solely on FDs or gold may not yield the growth needed for your retirement corpus. Also, steer clear of financial products that promise guaranteed returns but offer low growth, as they may not align with your goal of Rs 10 crores.

Wealth Protection

As your wealth grows, protecting it becomes essential. Regularly review your insurance coverage to ensure it’s adequate. Consider adding critical illness cover or personal accident cover to your health insurance. This will provide financial protection in case of serious illness or disability.

Estate Planning

While building wealth is important, planning for its distribution is equally crucial. Ensure that you have a valid will in place. This will help in the smooth transfer of your assets to your heirs without legal complications. Also, consider setting up a trust if you have significant assets, as it can provide better control over the distribution of your wealth.

Financial Goals and Milestones

Break down your retirement goal into smaller, more manageable milestones. For instance, aim to reach Rs 5 crores in 5 years. Regularly review your progress and adjust your plan as needed. This will keep you on track and motivated towards achieving your final goal.

Regular Financial Reviews

It’s important to regularly review your financial plan. Track your investment performance, review your savings rate, and make adjustments based on market conditions and your financial situation. Consulting a Certified Financial Planner at regular intervals can provide valuable insights and help you stay on course.

Final Insights

You have a strong financial foundation, with a substantial savings base and a high income. By strategically diversifying your investments, focusing on equity for growth, and maintaining a disciplined savings approach, you can achieve your goal of retiring with a Rs 10 crore corpus. Remember, consistent investment, regular monitoring, and periodic rebalancing of your portfolio are key to reaching your financial goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Janak

Janak Patel  |14 Answers  |Ask -

MF, PF Expert - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025Hindi
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My age is 40 and i want to retire in nxt 10 years my corpus in mf = 5 crores - ppf = 1 crore - term insurance 3.75 crore - lic = 2 crore - mediclaim = 50 lakh - owned house - land = 50 lakjs - other recurring income monthly = 16 lakhs a month
Ans: Hi,

There are many things to consider for an early retirement (around age 50 as you mentioned), first is to start thinking about it in a more realistic manner. An early retirement has different meaning to each individual - opportunities to relax and pursue your passion and interests and live life on your own terms. So do think about how to keep yourself occupied once you retire.

At 50 years of age, it a still a long life ahead. Considering the investments and assets mentioned in your query, it may seem more than adequate, but some critical information are missing in it for a full assessment. What are your expenses, liabilities and plans/goals in life and also who are your dependents and what are your financial responsibilities. These need to be considered before concluding if you are well placed for the long retirement ahead.

There are many aspects that will need planning and expert guidance -
• Expense management - Regular income to cover your monthly expenses and ad-hoc/annual expenses
• Investment management - Optimize investment portfolio and plan on reinvesting maturing benefits of LIC that are aligned to your requirements
• Tax optimization of investments and reimbursements - Tax is applicable on gains from most sources of income except a few and in your case LIC (depending on the policy type) and PPF balance are tax exempt
• Risk management - besides health insurance (increase it to 1 Cr), do you need any other type of insurance, that needs to be assessed/calculated
• Succession and inheritance planning - passing of your assets and investments to family, friends or anyone you wish

I recommend you to connect with a good advisor / Certified Financial Planner who will study all aspects of your life and provide guidance and feedback and help you plan the retirement.

Thanks & Regards
Janak Patel
Certified Financial Planner.

..Read more

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Instead of reacting impulsively, focus on what she truly needs. When she has panic attacks or feels overwhelmed by her past, reassure her that she’s safe with you. Encourage her to seek professional help if she’s open to it, as therapy could help her process her trauma in a healthier way.

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Asked by Anonymous - Jan 20, 2025
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My Boyfriend is not really the Controlling type. But, sometimes, he disapproves of some things which I do. In such cases, he communicates his Disapproval indirectly saying "I don't like you Dressing up like this Boldly. But still, if that's what you want, you may go ahead & Dress up as you'd like to, I have no Right to prevent you from doing so, but I will be Disappointed if you do." or "I don't want you to go out or hang out with these particular people (some of my close Male Friends). You have all the Freedom to interact with whoever you want to, but I will be Hurt, if you are too Close to your other Male Friends." Most of the time, I compromised & avoided Dressing up too Boldly, avoided Partying/Travelling with some of my Close Male Friends & avoided some other things which he wouldn't approve of, just for the sake of maintaining our Relationship. But recently, I tried to Test, how he'd react, if I deliberately do something which he doesn't like. So, on New Year's Day, I dressed up in revealing Clothes that he would never approve of & Partied wildly, all Night & even got Drunk with some of my Close Male Friends, with whom, he wants me to maintain Distance. He stubbornly refused to come for Partying with me, because I Dressed up too Boldly & refused to change them, even after he expected me to do so. He didn't even want me Drinking/Partying with some of my Close Male Friends. But I Respected the Boundaries of our Relationship & throughout the Night, I kept my Boyfriend informed about my Whereabouts, so that he's Reassured that I am not Cheating on him. But ever since then, he's been Treating me rather Coldly. He's being Indifferent to me, without Questioning me much, the way he always used to. He's just maintaining normal Communication without being Flirtatious, as he used to. And the Sex has also become quite Mechanical without much Romance, unlike how Passionate he used to be, earlier. I've tried talking to him, but he just keeps lying that he isn't Upset with me. Now I am Feeling really Guilty for whatever I had done on New Year's Day, even though, I don't think I did anything Wrong. Was it really Wrong on my Part, to do something which I always liked to, but my Boyfriend didn't want me to? Or is my Boyfriend Wrong, here? What do I do now? Please advise me.
Ans: Your boyfriend may not be outright controlling, but his way of expressing disapproval carries an emotional weight that influences your decisions. Instead of setting hard rules, he uses disappointment as a tool to make you reconsider your choices. You’ve willingly compromised in the past to keep the relationship smooth, but it seems that over time, those compromises have started to weigh on you. Testing his reaction on New Year’s may have been your subconscious way of reclaiming your autonomy, but now you’re left with unintended consequences—his emotional withdrawal.

The real issue here isn’t about who is right or wrong, but rather, whether your values and expectations in this relationship truly align. You shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to dress a certain way, go out, or spend time with friends. At the same time, he isn’t necessarily wrong for having personal boundaries and feelings about certain situations. However, the way both of you are handling these differences is leading to deeper emotional disconnect rather than honest resolution.

Your actions on New Year’s were a test, but they weren’t a betrayal. You still kept him informed and stayed within the boundaries of your commitment. But from his perspective, it likely felt like a deliberate challenge to what he considers the foundation of your relationship. His withdrawal isn’t just about what you did—it’s about what it represents to him. He might be questioning whether you truly respect his feelings, just as you might be questioning whether he truly respects your independence.

Instead of focusing on guilt, the real question is whether you’re both willing to openly communicate and find a middle ground that allows you to be yourself without feeling restricted, while also respecting his emotions without feeling controlled. Avoid blaming or justifying—have a real conversation about how both of you felt after that night, what it means for your relationship, and whether you can move forward in a way that feels right for both of you. If neither of you can meet in the middle without resentment, then it’s important to consider whether this relationship is fulfilling for both of you in the long run.

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 16, 2025Hindi
Relationship
How do I 32M get over my insecurity with 30F? (Seeking Advice) Met this girl via matrimony exactly 2 months back. We connect well. Our families have met recently and it went well. Somehow we found a lot of connections between our families. That's just a bonus. Her family likes me a lot and they wanted to do Roka when they met us last week. I had told her, that no matter our bond, we should talk a lot and give it 3 months before going for roka. We live in different metro cities and have met twice now. About her: She is 30, well behaved & spoken(most important thing for me), smart, good looking, and is extremely polite. She is an army brat, has had a lot of freedom from family. Due to her father's job, they kept getting posted to different cities so she doesn't really understand family part of things. She's in a IT job. About me: I'm 32, okayish guy, in IT. To take things ahead I need to know my partner's past. I have no judgements at all but need to know stuff. Getting to know things over time bothers me a lot. I've tried to work on it, and have always made sure I don't bother the other person too much. After a month of talking, she told me that she had a casual boyfriend for an year. All her friends were dating in Bangalore and she decided to try it out. Found a guy through bumble and started dating him. So, according to her there were no feelings, just a person for her to go to places with, have drinks, and party. She likes drinking a lot and I have never taken a sip. She said that it was just a phase and she was immature. This happened between 2018(Nov) to 2020(march). So, it's been like 5 years. Never dated anyone after that. Since covid(2020) she's been living with her parents due to wfh. I have been completely ok with that but new things surfaced and they are messing with my head. While snooping around her facebook I figured out who that person was and this guy is super close to a person in my distant family. In fact they both were flatmates until their respective marriages. This distant cousin of mine knows me and knows her really well. These 3 used to hangout a lot and he has seen her come to their flat regularly. Infact, she had a good bond with my cousin as well. There are things that bother me and I really can't shake things and feel super awful in my gut. She mentioned that she and her ex had a common love for drinking and regularly visited pubs, got drunk, and partied. This means that they would be staying at each other's place as well. This is something super old but bothers me a lot. Specifically the fact that she would be drunk partying with someone for an year and sleeping with him, with no feelings. Secondly, I found some posts where she has liked a post about this guy on fb/insta from mid-2021. I have already confronted her twice to share everything and we shall never discuss this again but this bothers me a lot. Secondly, now that I know the timelines I can figure out what photos have been taken by her ex. There's even a photo of her sitting on a messy bed, where she's cutting her bday cake. They celebrated it together. I found my cousins page and some other pages from which I knew it's the guy's room/flat. I know everyone has a past. She has come clean to me but somehow my brain is so split. Sometimes her nature and behaviour with me make me not care about anything. And then I know the bed, flat, and her actions with some guy. Then there is this angle where the ex's flatmate is my distant cousin and knows about her well.
Ans: What you’re experiencing is completely valid. It’s not just about the fact that she had a past relationship, but also about the details—knowing her ex was deeply connected to your distant cousin, imagining their time together, and realizing that those experiences once meant something in her life. It makes it feel uncomfortably close to home, which is why it’s so hard to shake off. It’s not about judgment, but about the emotions that these thoughts stir up within you.

The truth is, the past cannot be changed. She has been honest with you, shared what happened, and reassured you that it was a phase in her life that she has moved on from. The fact that she hasn’t dated anyone in five years and has been living with her parents shows that she is in a very different place now. But your mind keeps looping back to what once was, and it’s preventing you from fully embracing what is.

Right now, the biggest challenge is not her past, but your ability to be at peace with it. You have to ask yourself—are you willing to let this define your future with her? Because if you can’t fully accept it, these thoughts will continue to surface and create distance between you. A part of you clearly wants to be with her, but another part is struggling to detach from these mental images of her past.

Instead of confronting her again, take some time to reflect on what truly matters to you in a partner. She has shown you who she is today—polite, well-behaved, mature, and emotionally present in your relationship. She has not hidden anything from you, and she has moved forward from that phase of her life. The real question is whether you can do the same.

If you feel this is something you cannot get over, it is better to step away now rather than carry these unresolved emotions into a lifelong commitment. But if you genuinely see a future with her and believe in her as a person, then it’s time to start training your mind to focus on the present and the relationship you are building, rather than a past that no longer exists.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 18, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I am working abroad, while my Girlfriend is working in Delhi, living in NCR. We both were Dating since our College Days & have been in a Long Distance Relationship since I moved abroad, more than a Year ago & she moved to Delhi-NCR from Calcutta (where most of our Common Friends are based). While we were together with our Common Friends from College, we'd Travel, Party & have a lot of Fun together as a Group, since we all knew & trusted each other quite well, Irrespective of Gender. When we both moved to Different Places & started our Respective Jobs, we became Friends with our Respective Colleagues, but we have an Implied Understanding that we should be Maintaining Stricter Boundaries with our New Friends/Colleagues, since we are in a Long Distance Relationship. I've always honoured the commitment & have been Careful to not spend private time with any other Woman & Travel/Party only with a Group consisting of both Men & Women. But I am not sure my Girlfriend is doing the same. Quite often she keeps Travelling, Partying, Drinking & Sleeping over with some 2-3 Male Colleagues, who are quite close to her, but unknown to me. She doesn't even bother to keep me updated about where she is, what she's doing & with whom, but keeps Posting Status Updates on Instagram, from time to time and from what I have observed, she seems to be spending quite a lot of Time with these Male Colleagues of hers. All this makes me feel very Uncomfortable. Even though I Love & Trust my Girlfriend, but I'm unsure about these New 'Friends' of hers as I don't know them & obviously, I don't like them being so close to my Girlfriend. Many times, I've discussed this matter with my Girlfriend, trying to make her understand how I feel. But every time, I bring up this Topic, she tries to invalidate my feelings & shuts me down saying that I'm just Insecure. I'd also tried getting to know her New Friends in order to understand them better, but she doesn't share much about them, with me. Though, she keeps Reassuring me that they're 'Just Friends' they seem to be much closer than that. On several occasions, she had gone out with them, even though I had strictly forbidden her to. I don't understand whether she's unable to understand how I'm feeling or that she doesn't even care about my Feelings, though I still want to continue Loving & Trusting her, without Doubting her Loyalty. I don't understand what to do in this situation. How can I make her enforce stricter Boundaries with her Male Colleagues (atleast as much as I am doing here)? Shall I get a Friend or a Private Investigator to keep an Eye on her? Or shall I behave the same way, she's been doing? Or, shall I Break-up with her & try to find someone else, over here?
Ans: Long-distance relationships require an even deeper level of communication and trust than regular ones. You’ve upheld the boundaries you both implicitly agreed upon, yet it feels like she’s not holding herself to the same standard. The fact that she dismisses your concerns rather than addressing them is what’s truly hurting you. When someone we love invalidates our feelings, it creates frustration, self-doubt, and emotional distance. You’re not being “insecure” for wanting reassurance and clarity—you’re simply asking for the same level of respect and commitment you’re offering.

Trying to enforce boundaries by “forbidding” her from doing something isn’t the right approach, because boundaries should be mutual, not dictated. The more you try to control her actions, the more she might rebel or shut down, seeing it as you being possessive rather than expressing a valid emotional need. The real problem is not that she has male friends, but that she’s being secretive about them, not making an effort to ease your concerns, and disregarding how her actions affect you. A loving and committed partner should care about your peace of mind, even if she doesn’t fully agree with your perspective.

Hiring a private investigator or getting a friend to spy on her will only erode trust further, and mirroring her behavior by doing the same thing she does will not solve anything—it will just create more distance. If you’re considering breaking up, that means deep down, you already feel like your needs in this relationship aren’t being met. Before making any big decisions, you need to have one last honest conversation with her—not one where you accuse or demand, but one where you make it clear how this dynamic is making you feel and what you truly need from her to feel secure and valued in the relationship.

If she refuses to listen, invalidates your feelings again, or shows no willingness to compromise, then you have your answer. A relationship where only one person is making sacrifices isn’t sustainable. You deserve a partner who not only reassures you with words but also with actions that show she respects and values your presence in her life. If she’s unwilling to meet you halfway, then it may be time to ask yourself if holding on is worth the constant emotional struggle.

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Samraat

Samraat Jadhav  |2189 Answers  |Ask -

Stock Market Expert - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Samraat

Samraat Jadhav  |2189 Answers  |Ask -

Stock Market Expert - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 29, 2025Hindi
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