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Dr Karthiyayini Mahadevan  |683 Answers  |Ask -

General Physician - Answered on Feb 15, 2024

Dr Karthiyayini Mahadevan has been practising for 30 years.
She specialises in general medicine, child development and senior citizen care.
A graduate from Madurai Medical College, she has DNB training in paediatrics and a postgraduate degree in developmental neurology.
She has trained in Tai chi, eurythmy, Bothmer gymnastics, spacial dynamics and yoga.
She works with children with development difficulties at Sparrc Institute and is the head of wellness for senior citizens at Columbia Pacific Communities.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jan 14, 2024Hindi

My friend who is divorced and she is planning for 2nd marriage. She was having horrible experience in first marriage as her husband was having multiple affairs and later he was taking treatment in STD clinic but not known for what disease. she is planning for second marriage and she doesn't have any symptoms of STD. Whether she has to take test for STD and whether these test results in pvt lab are confidential as she is worried? Who are the agencies these report are accessible?

Ans: Sexually contracted diseases are HIV, Gonorrhea and Syphilis
Please ask her to check for these
All will be reported with confidentiality in any NABH certified lab
DISCLAIMER: The answer provided by rediffGURUS is for informational and general awareness purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical diagnosis or treatment.

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Anu Krishna  |802 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 23, 2022

Respected Anu Madam, Your advice will be of great importance and valuable to me.I really appreciate your answers and I want to take your valuable guidance. I sincerely request you to take time to go through lengthy mail. Please oblige and help. Madam, I got married in 1995. My wife though well-educated often gets into her parents' shoes and never found to be satisfied with me. Unlike me, she was from a well to do family. Based on my education and job, I got married to her. Most of the time she used to spend time at her parents' place, say around 5 months in a year. Rest of the period also hardly we used to be together -- maximum 4 to 5 times a month. In 1997, we were blessed with a daughter. In 1999 she had a miscarriage. In 2002 I went to the USA, but could not sustain and came back in September 2002. In April 2003, she had hernia surgery, wherein she was diagnosed as HIV positive. When I got tested I was negative. I was told that during the 1999 abortion, there was a blood transfusion during which she must have got acquired the HIV. We didn't reveal this to my family members. Our parents are aware of this dangerous health issue. But I used to suffer extremely bad in all respects.We started living independently since 2003, and I used to take care of her in all respects. We never had any conjugal relation since 2003 (I was 35 years old then). Even before 2003 it was very minimal and formal.Every now and then we used to fight during which she used to be very aggressive and nothing less than me in anyway. As a woman she has zero tolerance level. The slightest of things would offend her.However things kept going. In November 2015, her health got worse and irrespective of consulting doctors, it was not improving. Her CD4 count (immunity level for healthy living) had gone down to dangerous levels of just 10%. Her liver got affected with water accumulation and she was diagnosed with TB. At that time, by God’s grace, with great difficulty I found a doctor, who gave her a second life. For 18 months, I helped her to get back to normal condition while I was dealing with financial and mental stress. In 2021 during Covid also I saved her life.In the absence of any satisfaction, happiness or love, I never neglected or ill-treated her. In fact I provided her a very comfortable life in all respects and behaved with her in a usual way. In 2018, I sent my daughter to the US for MS as per her choice. In 2019, I purchased a 3 bedroom flat as per my wife’s choice and consent and presently we are living in that. I give her Rs 10,000 per month as her personal expenses apart from providing all other things.During my wife’s treatment in 2015, I came across a divorced working woman whose father also died of HIV. Slowly, she also understood my position, we exchanged views and became closer. ?She was an extremely fine lady with lots and lots of love and affection. She never expected any money or small material things from me. I can say she is a very nice and good woman, whom any person will rarely come across. I felt very happy with her. She also got very much attached to me because of my attitude and behaviour. Of course I never told my wife or discussed this relationship. This woman is living separately with her grown up children about 30 km from my residence. But, we love each other so much and have a lot of affection for each other. Sometimes, very occasionally, I used to speak to this woman. But I never knew that my wife was observing me. In January 2022, my wife made a big issue out of this. She is suspecting each and every call and movement of mine and looking at me very cheaply, which I am unable to tolerate.I did so much for her and put my life at stake to bring her back to normal life from a dangerous disease. She is just not able to understand me. If she doesn't understand my necessities, how can I be happy?Madam, now my concern is:1. In 2015 after second woman came in my life and after observing her for about 7 years, I found her very nice, independent, amicable, tolerable, Good behaviour, hard-working and good looking lady. We never want to lose each other, and we will be mutual support to each other in future circumstances. I am 55 and she is 45. My wife is 50.2. Because of my wife’s nagging, I cannot sacrifice the second woman. I am very much committed to her and want to support her in all respects for the rest of my life. She is the only person who understands me apart from my mother.3. At my house, I am being treated like a paying guest by my wife. Morning tiffin and night dinner she will cook for me. There is nothing more. Days are going very heavily. Only on need basis, we will talk. There is no affection or love.4. Being in a responsible position I feel very stressed, depressed and I am not able to execute my duties. I have five years of service left to me and I am unable to understand how to lead the life later, in case my wife survives.5. I have not done any injustice or ill-treated my wife but in case something happens to her, what will happen to me? I have not done anything out of lust. But as a man, I too will have some feelings towards a woman. But my wife never understood this basic concept and got adjusted.Neither she will provide me any love (since 2003) nor she will tolerate any woman in my life. Though I don’t give her any pain, I feel this is unfair and sadist.Because of the conditions prevailing around me and as a man, I was bound to do the above. Under these circumstances please advise me what should I do, thinking down the line after 5 years of my retirement?Your advice will be a great help to me. Kindly oblige to address the above.

Dear RM,

Thank you for being a caring husband and being by your wife’s side no matter what.

The dilemma that you face is something that actually needs a solution from you and not anyone else.

Try describing this to anyone and they might play moral police, advice you to do the right thing, forget the other woman etc.

What is it that you want?

It seems to me like you have stuck by your wife solely out of duty and care and you want to continue to do so.

In that case, how will your wife understand the new connection with the other woman?

How will the other woman accept who you are currently?

It is really difficult to tread on two different paths and to expect either is to understand is equally a difficult ask.

The least you can do is, keep it all transparent (it might sound impossible), talk to your wife to reassure her that your friendship with the other woman is in not in anyway going to undermine her position in your life.

If this does not seem feasible, I can’t see any ecological (something that aligns to your values) way to deal with the situation.

You might not be able to pursue a relationship under the wraps with your wife knowing about it and it is not fair to either of the women.

So, choose wisely and do what seems right keeping in mind that you cannot easily live two lives separately and expect to fulfil both at the same time.

All the best!

Latest Questions

Ravi Mittal  |173 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 20, 2024Hindi
I am a 26 years old girl completed my studies, trying to get a job, 2 years back I fell in love online with a man of 32 years old, we have not met yet physically. He is working on a very small salary in a village i.e. his hometown. He can't get a good government job or private job now due to lack of experience and age. We love each other a lot with all our flaws. My family is strictly against it due to caste difference, low salary, he lives 1600 km away, background differences. Overall they don't trust him and our love and are emotionally blackmailing me to get married with someone they choose. And the thought alone of leaving him makes me sad
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry for the challenges you are facing. I understand how difficult it must be to leave a person you love. Having said that, I would also like to point out that living a decent life is not cheap. You are currently unemployed and your partner has a low salary; it will not be sustainable in the long run. I am not asking you to leave him and marry someone else; all I am suggesting is don't rush. Take the time to find a decent job and ask your partner to do the same. Once you think you both are earning a good amount of money, put forth the idea of your marriage again to your parents.

Now the most important thing, you have met him online and never met him in real life. Is it worth taking this kind of risk before verifying everything in person? I am sure he is genuine but there is no harm in cross-checking. And I can't really blame your parents for having their doubts. Please don't rush. One wrong decision can ruin the rest of your life. Take your time, think this through, and meet him in person, most likely in your city and in a public space. Do a thorough background check. It is easy to get fooled when you are in love.

Again, please don't rush. You have your whole life ahead of you.

Best Wishes

Ravi Mittal  |173 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 21, 2024Hindi
Hi, I am 25+ years of old. Earning a handsome ammount of money arround 1lakh. I am a introvert, kind of kanjus you can say. I don't have any gf. I had one one one-sided relationship but because of low self confidence I didn't able to express my feelings. I don't feel myself as a ugly person but I am over waight, facing hair fall recently that's why I lose confidence approaching girls. I tried few dating apps but use. As I am a introvert I don't like to go to parties but definitely become comfortable after knowing the other person. Currently in Bangalore but being from a remote area I don't feel comfortable approaching a girl. What should I do.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I understand how you are feeling. First of all, you are not alone in this. Secondly, it's time you recognize how much you have achieved in life. Kudos to that.

Now, coming to your concern, being an introvert is not an issue, though it comes with its own set of challenges. I understand that you feel shy when it comes to talking to women. That's where dating apps come in. You have seen no results on them; I hear you. But give it another try, but this time, with a fool-proof strategy. First off, write an appealing bio. It's equivalent to writing a cover letter- you put forward your best attributes and convince people why they should date you. You can mention your achievements, you can be honest and disclose that you are an introvert, mention what you have to offer as a partner and don't forget to mention what you are looking for in your partner. This would give your potential matches a concise idea of you and also help attract the right people. Second, display image matters. While I am not encouraging you to put up an over-edited picture hiding your imperfections, do not put up the worst one either. Make sure it's recent, decent, and of you and you alone, and not in a group. Third, if you like somebody, don't be afraid to send a message. You are not committing to them, nor do you have to see them in person. Leave a message, interact, only if things go well, meet in person. There's no rush and no prior commitment. Fourth and the most important one, be patient. The right match can take a while but when you do find them, it will be worth the wait.

Best Wishes!

Sushil Sukhwani  |306 Answers  |Ask -

Study Abroad Expert - Answered on Apr 22, 2024

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