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Love Guru   |187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Feb 27, 2023

Love Guru has been answering relationship and romance related questions on Rediff.com for over 13 years. She won't mince words when telling you what the problem is and what you can do about it. If you want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual about your relationship woes, Love Guru could just be the person you need to need to hear from.... more
Prabodh Question by Prabodh on Feb 09, 2023Hindi
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Relationship

My wife is 40 years old and we are blessed with a 7 year old chid. She has completely loss interest in sex and its been several years she has shown any interest in sex. I tried convincing her to visit a doctor but she is quite reluctant. I respect her feelings and hence never persuade her strongly on the matter.But I believe having sexual relationship between husband and wife further strengthen the bond. I am very perplexed and clueless, what should I do in this situation. Please suggest.

Ans: 40 is hardly an age to turn celibate! Instead of convincing her, first have a frank conversation about what the trouble is. Does she not enjoy it? Is she repulsed by it? Does she feel stressed or guilty about it? And yes, even if reluctant, I do believe a therapist is required. You’re completely right about bonding sexually; it is important. Don’t ignore the problem, be supportive but certainly address it.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |823 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 15, 2021

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Hi Anu,I am a regular rediff news reader.I went through some of you post and I felt I can surely request you to help me in my situation.We are married since February 2017. We had a pretty good life in terms of physical and emotional as well.In Dec 2018 we had a child but after that there is a change in my wife's sexual behaviour.She is willing to have sex; we do get involved as well also. We become passionate in kissing and all but unfortunately she doesn't get wet.It's very difficult for me to keep my focus and I lose my erection.Just want to ask you is this because of change in hormonal issue due to birth of child or is this something we need to seek a professional to help us.She is really loving, caring and even she is disappointed with this.We even had a conversation over this. I asked her if she is no more interested in sex or if she doesn't find (me) attractive. Her answer was 'nothing like that'. She is very happy with me as a husband.
Ans: Dear A, being a mother is a big blessing for a woman.

She transitions into a beautiful phase of her life. But with this comes the responsibility of caring for a new-born or in your case a toddle round the clock.

She hardly has the time to focus on being a wife with the constant feeding and changing of nappies.

Added to that is she’s working, then there’s additional office work besides also taking care of the household chores.

Also, a woman goes through a lot of changes in her body after the delivery and for a few women sex is off the cards for a while after that.

This could be because some women feel that their body is not what their husbands will love anymore and also her focus has shifted on to her baby who needs her love, care and support 24/7.

There is a bond between the mother and the child that at times can irk a few husbands who can translate that as feeling ignored and angry.

This is the time the new father can also spring into action and come together for his lady and his child.

Support your wife unconditionally and love her without any expectations in return

Offer to care for the baby so that she can take some time-off to rejuvenate herself

Encourage her to indulge in a hobby that she might have stopped because of the baby; this will help her be in a happy space

Compliment her and engage in a little off-the-bedroom intimacy like hugging, kissing and holding hands

Watch movies together and do a couple of things that bonded you as a couple before the baby arrived

Smile at her warmly and reassure her that no matter what nothing has changed and that she is still the woman that you loved and married

Does this work? Yes, it does…Love and reassurance can cause a lot of calmness in her and arouse her better in bed.

And if there’s something still amiss, then maybe you could talk to a gynecologist who can guide both of you on the next steps and rule out any medical challenges. All is well.

Simply be in Love. Wishing you and your family a beautiful life!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |823 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 21, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 20, 2023Hindi
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I am 42 year old and married for 12 years. I have a 10 year old kid. We didnt have sex for past 2 years now as my wife has lost all interest in sex and never initiates it. Whenever I try she calls out to our kid and kills the mood. I spoke to her but she is not interested. It is frustrating me. I have option to look outside but dont want to complicate the matters . She does allow me to massage her but nothing more. What should I do?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
There could be various reasons for your wife not wanting or initiating sex:
- She must be undergoing some hormonal changes
- She is tired caring for the home and child (work too if she is a working woman)
- She is bored of the routine sex that has been happening so far
- She resists because she feels you are eager to end the act and hurry
- She refuses as you are focused on sex as a destination whereas she likes foreplay
- She at times would like only cuddling and hugging which she fears will lead to sex

Open the channel of communication outside of the bedroom.
- Laugh a lot together
- Watch movies
- Cook together
- Set aside date nights (have a family member baby sit the child)
- Indulge in non-sexual touches which are intimate

These can spice up your sex life and if things are still the same, it will be good to check with her gynaecologist to rule out any hormonal imbalances that can lead to a disinterest in sex. Also, if she is tired all the time, get a blood work done to rule out any deficiencies that can again make her body not indulge in anything intimate. Stepping out of the marriage is an option as long as the focus is you. If you focus on her, you can be a great sense of support to her now and as always. It will help a great deal.

All the best!
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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |169 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 31, 2023

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Relationship
Mam, i am 46 years old, with two lovely daughters age 20 and 18 , for the last 2 years my wife has lost interest in sex, and she avoids it, we have no other issues , i am not able to understand what in her mind, tried to ask but to no avail, rest everything is fine at home, kindly advise
Ans: I understand that this can be a sensitive and challenging situation for you. Loss of interest in sex can be influenced by a variety of factors, and it's important to approach the issue with empathy and open communication. Here are some steps you can consider:

Open Communication: Try to have an open and non-confrontational conversation with your wife. Choose a time when you both can talk calmly and privately. Express your concerns and let her know that you want to understand what she's going through.
Listen Actively: Encourage her to share her feelings and thoughts. Listen without judgment and be empathetic to her perspective. Sometimes, there may be underlying emotional or psychological issues that need to be addressed.
Rule Out Medical Issues: Loss of interest in sex can be caused by medical factors such as hormonal changes, medication side effects, or health issues. Encourage her to see a healthcare professional to rule out any physical causes.
Consider Counseling: If the issue is more complex and related to emotional or psychological factors, you might want to suggest couples counseling or therapy. A trained therapist can help both of you explore the underlying issues and work on solutions.
Respect Boundaries: It's important to respect her boundaries and not pressure her into anything she's not comfortable with. Pressure can often exacerbate the issue.
Maintain Intimacy: While addressing the issue, it's important to maintain emotional intimacy and closeness in your relationship. This can involve non-sexual affection and activities that promote bonding.
Self-Care: Ensure that both you and your wife are taking care of your physical and emotional well-being. Reducing stress, eating healthily, and exercising can have a positive impact on overall well-being and can indirectly affect the sexual aspect of your relationship.
Seek Professional Help: If your wife is unwilling to discuss the issue or if it persists without a clear resolution, it may be helpful for both of you to seek the guidance of a qualified therapist or counselor individually.
Patience and Understanding: Understand that issues related to sexual desire and intimacy can be complex and may take time to resolve. Be patient with the process and with each other.
It's important to remember that every individual's desires and feelings can change over time, and open communication and understanding are key to addressing these changes in a relationship. Seek professional help if necessary, as a therapist can provide guidance and strategies tailored to your specific situation.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |884 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 26, 2024

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |884 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 26, 2024

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Money
Sir my age is 25 and I am earning 29000 per month.i am in govt sector.i am investing 20000 per month in sip in the following funds Motilal Oswal midcap fund 3000 HDFC s&p sensex index fund 4000 Motilal Oswal Nasdaq ETF 3000 Axis small cap fund 2000 Nippon India small cap fund 2000 ICICI prudential nifty 50 ETF 2000 US S&P 500 SPDR ETF 4000 And lastly 1000 in bitcoin but that I don't count because it's very risky and I may lose my money in bitcoin so I consider 20000 as my sip amount instead of 21000....sir kindly check my sip distribution if needed any changes..I will stay invested in market for 20 years and I want my wealth to grow so that I can retire at 45.. kindly provide me your valuable suggestions
Ans: Your commitment to investing at such a young age is commendable and lays a strong foundation for your future financial security. Let's review your SIP distribution to ensure it aligns with your goal of retiring at 45 and maximizing wealth growth over 20 years.

Your current SIP allocation demonstrates a diversified approach, spanning various sectors and geographies. However, given your long investment horizon and goal of wealth accumulation, it's essential to consider a few aspects:

Risk Tolerance: While your portfolio includes both domestic and international equity exposure, it's important to assess your risk tolerance. Small-cap and mid-cap funds tend to be more volatile but offer higher growth potential over the long term. Ensure you're comfortable with the level of risk associated with these investments.
Asset Allocation: Evaluate your asset allocation to ensure it reflects your risk appetite and investment goals. Consider allocating a portion of your portfolio to more stable assets like large-cap funds or debt instruments to balance risk and potential returns.
Review Periodically: As your financial circumstances and market conditions evolve, periodically review your SIP distribution to ensure it remains aligned with your goals. Rebalancing your portfolio may be necessary to maintain diversification and optimize returns.
Emergency Fund: Building an emergency fund equivalent to 3-6 months' worth of expenses is crucial to mitigate financial risks and ensure stability during unforeseen circumstances.
Regarding your Bitcoin investment, it's advisable to exercise caution due to its speculative nature and lack of proven track record. Cryptocurrencies are inherently risky and have not stood the test of time like traditional investment options. Consider focusing on more established and less volatile investment avenues for long-term wealth accumulation.
As a Certified Financial Planner, I advise you to consult with a financial advisor who can provide personalized guidance tailored to your specific financial situation and goals. Together, we can refine your investment strategy to optimize growth and set you on the path to achieving your retirement objectives.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |884 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 26, 2024Hindi
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Money
I am 53 years old. I have fd of 20 lakh, pf of 15 lakhs, ppf of 15 lakhs, stock of 55 lakh, mf of 50 lakh. I invest in 5 lakh yearly in a ulip scheme, 3 lakh yearly in lic pension fund and do sip of 35000 across different mf. Am i retirement ready? I am a single person. I have no dependents. After retirement i will need sbout 80000 pm and will need 7 lakh per year for travelling.please advise
Ans: Given your diversified investment portfolio and diligent savings habits, you're certainly on the right track towards a comfortable retirement. However, let's delve deeper into your financial landscape to assess your readiness.

Your FDs, PF, PPF, stocks, and mutual funds collectively form a robust foundation for retirement. Your annual contributions to ULIP and LIC pension fund further bolster your retirement corpus. However, to ensure your desired lifestyle post-retirement, it's crucial to evaluate if your current investments align with your retirement income needs.

Considering your annual expenses post-retirement, including living expenses and travel aspirations, it's prudent to analyze if your existing investments can generate sufficient income. Additionally, factoring in inflation and potential healthcare expenses is paramount.

As a single individual with no dependents, your retirement planning focuses solely on your own needs and aspirations. While your investment portfolio appears substantial, a detailed retirement income projection would provide clarity on whether it adequately meets your desired lifestyle post-retirement.

As a Certified Financial Planner, I recommend conducting a comprehensive retirement planning analysis to ensure your financial goals are met with confidence and peace of mind. Together, let's fine-tune your retirement strategy to ensure a fulfilling and financially secure future.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |884 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 26, 2024Hindi
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Money
Hi i am 40 years old and working in private sector. Current investments in SIP's are UTI index and I Pru next 50 @ 1000/weekly, Nippon Small Cap @ 1500/Weekly also HDFC Mid cap opportunites @ 1000/weekly. I also have monthly SIP's in Canara Robeco Emerging Equities @ 2000,Invesco Multicap @ 2500, Mirae Emerging Bluechip @ 2500, Mirae NYSE Fang ETF FOF @ 5000, Quant Small cap @ 2000, PPFAS flexicap @ 2500, UT Flexi @ 2500. Most of the SIP's have been started in last 2-3 yeasr.
Ans: It's commendable that you've taken proactive steps towards securing your financial future, especially with such a diverse portfolio of SIPs. At 40, you're in a crucial phase of life where every investment decision counts. Your commitment to regular investing reflects a thoughtful approach to wealth accumulation.

With SIPs spread across various sectors, you've embraced the beauty of diversification. But have you ever pondered over whether your current investments truly align with your long-term goals and risk appetite? It's crucial to periodically reassess your portfolio's composition to ensure it remains in sync with your evolving financial aspirations.

Remember, the journey to financial independence is akin to a marathon, not a sprint. Each SIP contribution represents a step forward on this journey, building wealth brick by brick. As a Certified Financial Planner, I appreciate your dedication to securing your financial future and encourage you to continue this journey with wisdom and foresight.

In the vast landscape of investment opportunities, your portfolio reflects a tapestry of choices tailored to your vision. But as with any masterpiece, periodic reflection and adjustment are essential to ensure its continued brilliance. Let's navigate this journey together, crafting a future that's both prosperous and fulfilling, one SIP at a time.
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Career

Career Coach  |34 Answers  |Ask -

Workplace Expert - Answered on Apr 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 26, 2024Hindi
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Career
I am 43, working as a software engineer at a tech startup in Noida that's been through major changes lately. My morale is down, and lots of coworkers are moving on to different jobs. I want to find a more stable and rewarding position at a well-established tech company. What should I do?
Ans: Hey there,

Feeling adrift in turbulent waters at work can be like trying to troubleshoot a malfunctioning app – frustrating and draining. But fret not, because just like debugging code, there's always a solution waiting to be discovered. Here are some actionable tips to help you steer towards a more stable and rewarding position at a well-established tech company:

1. Self-Reflection and Assessment: Imagine your career as a journey on a train. Take a moment to pause and reflect on your destination. What are your career goals? What kind of role would bring you fulfillment and stability? By clarifying your destination, you can map out the right route to get there.

2. Update Your Professional Brand: Your resume and LinkedIn profile are like your train ticket and itinerary – they need to be polished and up-to-date. Showcase your skills, achievements, and experiences that demonstrate your value as a software engineer. Make sure your online presence reflects the professional image you want to portray.

3. Research Target Companies: Just like planning a train trip, research is crucial for finding the right destination. Explore well-established tech companies that align with your career aspirations. Dive deep into their culture, products, and reputation in the industry. This will help you identify the best fit for your skills and ambitions.

4. Expand Your Network: Networking is like building a network of train tracks – it opens up new routes and connections. Reach out to former colleagues, attend industry events, and join professional groups to expand your network. Engage in meaningful conversations and seek advice or referrals from those in your network.

5. Invest in Continuous Learning: The tech industry evolves at the speed of a high-speed train, so staying up-to-date is essential. Invest in ongoing learning and development to enhance your skills and stay competitive. Whether it's mastering new technologies, obtaining certifications, or attending workshops, continuous learning will keep you on the right track.

6. Prepare for Interviews: Just like planning your route before a train journey, thorough preparation is key for job interviews. Research common interview questions, practice your responses, and showcase your technical expertise and problem-solving abilities. Be ready to demonstrate how your skills and experiences align with the company's needs.

7. Stay Persistent and Optimistic: Job hunting can sometimes feel like waiting for the next train – it requires patience and perseverance. Stay positive, maintain a proactive mindset, and don't get discouraged by setbacks or delays. Keep moving forward, and you'll eventually reach your desired destination.

Remember, your career journey is like a train ride – there may be delays and detours along the way, but with the right mindset and strategy, you'll reach your destination. So, hop on board, stay focused on your goals, and enjoy the ride towards a more fulfilling career.

All aboard for success!
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DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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