Home > Relationship > Question
Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help

Divorced Woman Seeking Advice on Remarriage with Children

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |533 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 19, 2025

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jan 19, 2025Hindi
Listen
Relationship

URGENT Hello kanchan ma'am Please help. I am a divorced working woman , with a daughter 8 yrs. I have been pursued for remarriage with a guy who is 10 yrs older to me and have 2 kids. 11 and 14 yrs respectively living in a small town. Initially it was agreed the elder child who is a boy would be living in hostel , but now since we are approaching near to the marriage, it seems the elder male child is going to stay at home and not hostel. This is making me really uncomfortable as I won't get much privacy also the male child is aggressive.Already handling one kid was difficult before. Also moving to small town was difficult transition from a metropolitan that I stay in. Moving there could mean losing job opportunities in future. I am really worried if I let this match go, I end up alone again. I am not able to make a decision, it's difficult to raise others children. It's just not naturally inbuilt in us.Although I try really hard to mould my thinking and be more generous, but somehow it suffocates me.

Ans: start by having a direct and open conversation with your prospective partner. It’s crucial to clearly communicate your feelings about the elder child staying at home, especially regarding the need for privacy and the impact of his aggressive behavior. Explain how this change affects your comfort and daily life, emphasizing the importance of maintaining a harmonious living environment.

In tackling the privacy issue, consider discussing potential adjustments to the home’s layout. Creating separate living spaces or setting up rules that establish personal boundaries can help ensure everyone feels comfortable. Developing a routine that allows for private time with your daughter will also be essential in maintaining a balance.

Regarding the transition to a small town, research the local job market thoroughly. Look for opportunities that align with your career goals and consider remote work options if they’re available. It’s also important to engage with the local community to build a support network. Attend community events, meet potential neighbors, and get a feel for the town’s environment. Having a backup plan, such as maintaining connections in your current city or setting aside a financial cushion, will give you added security should the move not work out as expected.

Blending families is a significant emotional and practical challenge, so consider family counseling as a way to address potential conflicts and improve communication. A counselor can provide valuable strategies to help everyone adjust to the new living arrangements and understand each other’s perspectives. To ease into this change, propose a trial period where you can test the dynamics without committing long-term right away. This will give you the opportunity to evaluate how well you and your daughter adapt to the new situation.

Lastly, it’s essential to address your fear of being alone. Reframe this fear by focusing on the positives of independence. Remind yourself that it’s better to be single and emotionally secure than in a relationship that feels overwhelming or stifling. Use this time to invest in personal growth, hobbies, and building a fulfilling life for you and your daughter. Keeping an open mind about future relationships is healthy, but it’s important to ensure any new partnership aligns with your values and meets your emotional needs.

By taking these steps, you can approach the situation with clarity, ensuring that any decision you make is grounded in what’s best for your well-being and that of your daughter.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |533 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 19, 2025Hindi
Listen
Relationship
I am a divorced working woman , with a daughter 8 yrs. I have been pursued for remarriage with a guy who is 10 yrs older to me and have 2 kids. 11 and 14 yrs respectively living in a small town. Initially it was agreed the elder child who is a boy would be living in hostel , but now since we are approaching near to the marriage, it seems the elder male child is going to stay at home and not hostel. This is making me really uncomfortable as I won't get much privacy also the male child is aggressive.Already handling one kid was difficult before. Also moving to small town was difficult transition from a metropolitan that I stay in. Moving there could mean losing job opportunities in future. I am really worried if I let this match go, I end up alone again. I am not able to make a decision, it's difficult to raise others children. It's just not naturally inbuilt in us.Although I try really hard to mould my thingking and be more generous, but somehow it suffocates me.
Ans: Raising someone else’s children is not something that comes naturally to everyone, and that doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you honest. You already know how challenging it is to raise one child, and now you’re expected to step into a role where you’ll be managing more, including an aggressive teenage boy. If this idea is already suffocating you now, imagine how it might feel once you’re actually living in that environment every day.

Fear of being alone is a very real and valid concern, but being in a marriage that drains you emotionally, limits your career, and makes you feel trapped is far worse than being single. The right relationship should bring you a sense of peace and security, not anxiety and sacrifice at every turn. If you already feel that you have to “mould” your thinking just to make this work, that’s a sign that this situation might not be aligned with what you truly want and need.

You don’t have to force yourself into something that doesn’t feel right just because you’re afraid of ending up alone. Loneliness is difficult, but so is being in a marriage where you feel unseen, unheard, and overwhelmed. The best decision is the one that allows you to live with peace and confidence in your future.

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |526 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Jan 21, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 19, 2025Hindi
Listen
Relationship
I am a divorced working woman , with a daughter 8 yrs. I have been pursued for remarriage with a guy who is 10 yrs older to me and have 2 kids. 11 and 14 yrs respectively living in a small town. Initially it was agreed the elder child who is a boy would be living in hostel , but now since we are approaching near to the marriage, it seems the elder male child is going to stay at home and not hostel. This is making me really uncomfortable as I won't get much privacy also the male child is aggressive.Already handling one kid was difficult before. Also moving to small town was difficult transition from a metropolitan that I stay in. Moving there could mean losing job opportunities in future. I am really worried if I let this match go, I end up alone again. I am not able to make a decision, it's difficult to raise others children. It's just not naturally inbuilt in us.Although I try really hard to mould my thinking and be more generous, but somehow it suffocates me.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Let me ask you one thing, if you knew a plane was going to crash, would you still get on it because you are worried you will reach your destination late? No, right? Similarly, if you know this marriage could be really tough on you, with the added responsibilities of a teenager and another soon-to-be teenager, do you still want to go ahead with it, just because you might have to stay alone for a while longer?

I can't really make a decision for you, but I can urge you to rethink this alliance. It's great that you are trying to compromise but do not compromise so much that nothing that you want is given any importance. You cannot ask a father to send his child to a hostel so that you can have some privacy; similarly, no one can force you to raise him as well. The best decision would be to either reconsider the relationship or have an open conversation and come to a middle ground that works for all.

Best Wishes.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1494 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 22, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 19, 2025Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Hello Anu ma'am Please help.URGENT I am a divorced working woman , with a daughter 8 yrs. I have been pursued for remarriage with a guy who is 10 yrs older to me and have 2 kids. 11 and 14 yrs respectively living in a small town. Initially it was agreed the elder child who is a boy would be living in hostel , but now since we are approaching near to the marriage, it seems the elder male child is going to stay at home and not hostel. This is making me really uncomfortable as I won't get much privacy also the male child is aggressive.Already handling one kid was difficult before. Also moving to small town was difficult transition from a metropolitan that I stay in. Moving there could mean losing job opportunities in future. I am really worried if I let this match go, I end up alone again. I am not able to make a decision, it's difficult to raise others children. It's just not naturally inbuilt in us.Although I try really hard to mould my thinking and be more generous, but somehow it suffocates me.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Second or subsequent marriages come with their own set of challenges; one being accepting the other person's reality from their past which is children.
Yes, you are right that it is never easy to accept and raise another person's child BUT hey it's also possible, right? Why go behind what's not possible and actually think what can be possible; especially because you seem to want this new marriage to work. Then make it work. Once you accept things for what is, you will figure out a way to manage your work and also your newer responsibilities. Life does not move exactly the way you want or wish, but if you focus on the good side of it, a lot of things that bother you become easier to handle. Actually, start to get excited about your new phase of life BUT if you are going into the marriage with conditions, it may get challenging. It's not fair to want one child and not want another. It disturbs their equilibrium and what they share with their father.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Latest Questions
Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |996 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Feb 10, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 10, 2025Hindi
Listen
Money
I am 51 single, divorced and have one little sister who is 32. Recently I lost my job, and I am not in the mood to search for a new one. I am in the process of making arrangement to fulfill my monthly needs. I am holding the NPS which has a small corpus of 5 lacs in tier 1 and 45k in tier 2. Now I want to completely exit from the NPS. Now I must compulsorily accept the 20% withdrawal and 80% annuity. I have a few queries below. 1. Should I consider buying 100% annuity. 20% withdrawal does not make sense 2. Should I consider putting 1.5 lacs more to enhance the annuity (The corpus will become 7 lacs approx.). 3. Should I consider taking out the annuity on a yearly basis (Please explain Its pros and cons), since it offers more benefit. 4. Should I consider the Shriram life insurance. 5. Will it be safe to consider Shriram life insurance for life long future annuity. It offers the highest annuity. 6. Should I consider Annuity for Life with ROP - Subscriber will get annuity for lifetime and on death of the Subscriber, payment of annuity ceases & 100% of the purchase price will be returned to the nominee(s). The annual offer is 49,063.00 (7.01%) 7. Should I consider Annuity for Life without ROP - Subscriber will get annuity for lifetime and on death of the Subscriber, payment of annuity ceases, and no further amount will be payable. The annual offer is 58,112.00 (8.30%)
Ans: Hello;

Point wise answers to your queries as given below:

1. Yes.
2. Yes.
3. If you do monthly annuity the rate will be lower but you get monthly payouts. In yearly the rate will higher but only one shot payment per year so it depends on your preference.

4. Cannot comment on suitability of xyz firm.

5. Consider an insurer which has good capital adequacy, growing profitable business, preferably listed, reputation of the owner/group apart from decent annuity rates on offer.

6 & 7. My suggestion would be to opt for annuity for life with ROP to your nominee. Ultimately it is your call.

Please have adequate healthcare insurance cover.

Best wishes;

...Read more

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |996 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Feb 10, 2025

Inderpaul

Inderpaul Singh  |7 Answers  |Ask -

Leadership Coach - Answered on Feb 10, 2025

Career
I graduated with a BBA in 2022, and since then, I’ve been on a thrilling two-year adventure at an MNC. But guess what? I decided to resign in March 2024 because, you know, who doesn’t love a little drama at work? Now, I’ve managed to burn through all my hard-earned savings like a pro, and here I am, utterly confused about my future. Sometimes I think about leaving India—maybe for studies or just to escape and do some mindless job somewhere. Other times, I dream of retreating to the most remote corner of India and living off the grid. I’ve always been pretty good with technology, snagged a degree, and even racked up some work experience. But now? I’m completely lost on where to start over. I’ve scoured countless articles and advice columns, but they’ve been about as helpful as a chocolate teapot. I’m just looking for that life-changing advice that seems to be in short supply. Turning 24 this year!
Ans: Hello Manan,
My simple advice to you would be to get back to some job while you can continue to ponder over your long term goals/passion/pursuits.
Sitting idle (with no funds) at home won't help & it is not going to do any good to your career/life plans.
Simultaneously you can continue to do introspection & chalk out a proper plan as far your larger life goals are concerned.
Say you earnestly wish to pursue higher studies than you need to get yourself these answers 1) Why you need a higher degree in first place ? 2) Will it help you to get job/career of your choice? 3) If yes, then shortlist some relevant good courses & start exploring admit process etc. 4) Meanwhile do account for funds that will help you to time your break from the job (savings, loans etc.)
Likewise ask yourself questions for each option you have in mind & be honest in responses, that will help you to zero on your real aspiration & then do the proper detailing/planning. This may entail some compromises in short term but will certainly pave your way to achieve long term goals.

Best of Luck!

Major Inderpaul
HR Expert, Life & Relationship Coach

...Read more

Dr Dipankar

Dr Dipankar Dutta  |756 Answers  |Ask -

Tech Careers and Skill Development Expert - Answered on Feb 10, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 10, 2025Hindi
Listen
Career
Hello dear sir, I gave the 12th state board exam in 2024. I have given jee main three attempts I haven't given jee advanced exam yet . I have got less percentage in 12th , So will I have two more attempts for JEE Advanced? after doing 12th from state board and CBSE board?
Ans: Your question is not clear to me. Yes you can give JEE exam three times.

...Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |526 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Feb 10, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 08, 2025
Relationship
Me and my girlfriend we both are in relationship from about last 2 years (almost). After such a long time I got to know that she had 2 relationships before me that too she didn't told I got to know it by third person she was sexually involved too (not intercourse but yes other things with one of them)... When I asked her that why you didn't told anything to me before she said she was scared that if she'll tell it to me so I'll leave her and she really did not wanted that... She was scared to loose me. And she was still in contact with that guy and when I asked her that why you were still in contact with him (it's been around 3 years they got separated) so she says that she is like that only... She can't deny anyone because of her soft hearted nature but she did not had any feelings for him. She also said that once she even went to meet him when he requested to meet and also on the same she claims that her soft hearted nature has done that she wasn't able to deny. I loved her too much but now all these things are hurting me like anything. (She is my first relationship before her i never had anyone)
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand that you are hurt and the complexities of the hearts might be difficult sometimes to grasp. The first reason for your sorrow, her past relationship, and the fact that she was physically intimate with them is not completely justifiable. Though I understand that you feel hurt because she did not disclose it to you, still it should not matter so much as to ruin your present relationship. And whether she will open up about such sensitive details is actually up to her. It has nothing to do with how much she loves you or trusts you. Please understand that.

Now coming to the next thing, the fact that she is still in touch with them and has even met one of them, that is slightly concerning. It would have been okay if she did that openly- please understand that I am not saying she should have asked for your permission, but rather discuss the same with you. Moreover, in a relationship, it is also important to understand how much your partner is comfortable with- goes for both men and women. If you are uncomfortable with her relationship with her exes, she should consider that. I would have said the same if the table was turned. I suggest you have a clear conversation with her and express how you feel about this situation- depending on how she reacts and how the conversation goes, you both can think about the next step.

Hope this helps.

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

Close  

You haven't logged in yet. To ask a question, Please Log in below
Login

A verification OTP will be sent to this
Mobile Number / Email

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to

Resend OTP in120seconds

Dear User, You have not registered yet. Please register by filling the fields below to get expert answers from our Gurus
Sign up

By signing up, you agree to our
Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

Already have an account?

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to Mobile

Resend OTP in120seconds

x