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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |586 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 14, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
bappa Question by bappa on Feb 14, 2024Hindi
Relationship

Dear Thanks for your quick response to my earlier query, during the last 2 months I have tried to follow your advice & have also started support from our office counsellor, I am writing to you again as some aspects I felt ashamed to discuss with the office counsellor & some to have a 2nd opinion. I had deeply thought about my expectations from my marriage & wife. In the last 6 months as I am staying separate in Bangalore, I have found much better & am much more communicative with my wife, discussing & sharing emotionally. When we stay together the continuous expectation would put both of us in a panic & irritation ultimately resulting in fights & also finally not sharing & the bad luck of seeing her face will add oil to the fire, with many of my outbursts not being very parliamentary. So I see our relationship is better if it is long-distance. I discussed this with my wife & she also agrees somewhat, but the basis of husband-wife relationship is to stay together, where we fail. Since we stayed together for 17 yrs we know each other’s problems & historical facts which no one else knows, so frankly I need a long-distance person with whom I can share emotionally, but for my wife she requires someone who is also close to her physically. One idea that I got is to let things be as it is i.e. let her stay in Pune while I stay in Bangalore & she be in a relationship with Sumit & maybe stay with him without legally separating, maybe when my daughter is having holidays, we can have short trips. This will keep the social well-being intact as people will not know as we don’t have any close relatives in Pune. But I am worried about the long-term impact will our marriage last especially what plans should I make in old age. Want your opinion & what precautions do I need to take. In the last 2 mnths, I have been to Pune 3 times for the reason of my daughters JEE for which I help her. I talked with my wife about Sumit in early Jan & she said they are good friends & they share a lot of intimate talks; she was not ready to tell me anything more than that. On asking about physical relationships she was elusive . But she said she doesn’t want to legally separate from me. I also discussed if she wants, we can have a long-distance relationship supporting each other (without naming Sumit) she did not respond. Though Sumit talks to me once in 7-10 days we never talked about his relationship with my wife, we talk about status of his divorce, old office stuffs etc. 2 weeks ago my wife told me that Sumit's parents, divorced sister who had come for a visit to Pune will be coming to our house to meet her. Later she posted some photos in her WhatsApp status for everyone it will look as if some friend had to come to visit her (everyone will think some lady friend). In mid-January in one of my old office colleagues (who is a friend with Sumit) Facebook I saw that in his son's birthday my wife is there (he doesn’t know or have seen my wife), I tactically asked him who that lady was, he said it is Sumit’s friend. Can you please help me if she is going in the same way I am thinking about the future of our relationship. The last point is something which I could not ask anyone. During my last 3 visits to Pune I had sex with my wife. I will like to tell that my wife is always (since our marriage) very passive in sex she has to be told what to do 1 by 1, (though for me it gave me some amount of pleasure command) which she will do properly & maybe sometimes do 1-2 things on her own or ask me to do. She was same this time also. I never had sex relationship with anyone else so this acts maybe in a distance timeframe gives me a lot of pleasure. I am worried what will be this relationship be if she starts staying with Sumit, what is your advice? My counsellor advised me to sit & talk with Sumit & my wife together but really, I am not seeing any reason to do it, do I need to do this joint meeting & if so, what do I need to discuss

Ans: Dear Bappa,

It sounds like you've put a lot of thought into your relationship and your future with your wife. It's positive that you're able to communicate more effectively when you're physically apart. However, the idea of allowing your wife to be in a relationship with Sumit while you stay in Bangalore raises several complex issues, especially concerning the long-term viability of your marriage and your plans for old age.

Firstly, it's important to consider the emotional implications of such an arrangement. While it may alleviate some of the pressures and conflicts in your current relationship, it could also lead to feelings of loneliness, jealousy, or insecurity for both you and your wife. Additionally, maintaining this arrangement without legal separation could create legal and financial complications in the future, especially when it comes to issues like inheritance, healthcare, and support in old age.

Regarding your concern about your wife's relationship with Sumit, it's challenging to determine the nature of their relationship based on the information you've provided. It's possible that they are just good friends, as your wife has stated, but it's also understandable that you might have doubts given the circumstances. Ultimately, trust and open communication are key in any relationship, so it might be helpful to have a candid conversation with your wife about your concerns and expectations.

As for the idea of a joint meeting with your wife and Sumit, while it may provide some clarity, it's important to carefully consider the potential outcomes and whether it will truly address your concerns. It might be beneficial to seek the advice of a counselor or therapist who can help you navigate these complex emotions and decisions.

In summary, it's crucial to prioritize open and honest communication with your wife, as well as seek professional guidance to ensure that any decisions you make are in the best interest of both parties involved.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1595 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 03, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 24, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
Hello Anu, Hope you are doing good!! Background of Persons: I had arranged married since last once year. I already told them before proceeding that I want to continue my carrier and grow forward in the same city. Also, I want to leave in a joint family along with my parents. My spouse is working in government sector. She told me that my Job is transferrable and i am ok moving forward with you. I am working in MNC at good position and also supporting my family members in their business. Problem: My wife is forcing me to leave separately, shift to another city and start from scratch(zero) in different city having different cultural background. She is also working in government sector and not taking transfer to spouse(husband's) city. Even after explaining couple of times, she is resisting to re-allocate. I am ok if she does anything independently for earning in same city. Also, I will help her in getting the job in private sector in the same city. Also, I will get her employed in another sector through my contacts and preparing her. I am not dependent on her in terms of financial things. We are living separately due to work duties and spent time together for a week in every month or two month as per the adjustment from both of us. My spouse is not talking properly to me, threating me to get divorce. I already had financial and social liabilities on myself which my wife is aware about. I had not seen positive responses from her towards myself, my family and goals. I am ready to leave separately in the same city even if she earns or not. Question: It looks to high danger to me moving to different part of the country having different cultures starting from scratch based on assessments on different parameters. What is the better solution for this ?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Well, there isn't much that you can do!
It's possible that your spouse suddenly feels that she might lose more than she gains by any move that she makes. You possibly feel the same.
This only means that both of you have not considered what marriage is and could be. You are using marriage to bring out differences rather than build trust. It's a year and if both of you have not managed to stay true to bringing the best out of each other, I wonder what will make you do that!

Kindly set aside the childish squabbles and suggest to your wife that the two of you need to work on this. Threats may kindly be kept aside...it only widens the gap between the two of you. Bring the conversation to a place where you talk about what it is now and how the two of you want it to be independently to you AND then work on bringing it to WIN-WIN...

Is this possible? Yes, it is provided you channel the conversation as mature adults without threats and pointing our faults and working towards putting the marriage together.

All the best!

..Read more

Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |119 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 08, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 26, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
Hello Mr. Ashish, Hope you are doing good!! Background of Persons: I had arranged married since last once year. I already told them before proceeding that I want to continue my carrier and grow forward in the same city. Also, I want to leave in a joint family along with my parents. My spouse is working in government sector. She told me that her Job is transferrable and she is ok moving forward and leaving in my city along with your parents. I am working in MNC at good position and also supporting my family members. Problem: My wife is forcing me to leave separately, shift to another city and start from scratch(zero) in different state having different cultural and traditions. She is also working in government sector and not taking transfer to spouse(husband's) city. Even after explaining couple of times, she is resisting to re-allocate. I am ok if she does anything independently for earning in same city. Also, I will help her in getting the job in private sector in the same city. Also, I will get her employed in another sector through my contacts and preparing her. I am not dependent on her in terms of financial things. We are living separately due to work duties and spent less time together for a week in every month or two month as per the adjustment from both of us. My spouse is not talking properly to me, blocks me, add me to blacklist and threating me to get separated and take divorce. I already had financial and social liabilities on myself which my wife is aware about. I had not seen positive responses from her towards myself, my family and goals. I am ready to leave separately in the same city even if she earns or not. This is impacting my performance in my work. Question: It looks to high danger to me moving to different part of the country having different cultures starting from scratch based on assessments on different parameters. Also, she does not want to take the household chores responsibility. How can be of sure that I can trust her for co-operation in a unknown city? What is the better solution for this ?
Ans: Hello! It sounds like you're facing a complex and challenging situation. It's important to address these issues with care and open communication. Here are a few steps you could consider taking:

Open Communication: It's crucial to have an open and honest conversation with your spouse. Try to understand her perspective and the reasons behind her resistance to moving to your city or taking up a job in the private sector. Share your concerns and feelings as well. Having a calm and respectful discussion can help you both reach a deeper understanding of each other's needs and concerns.

Seek Professional Help: If communication isn't resolving the issues, it might be helpful to involve a professional, such as a marriage counselor or therapist. They can provide an unbiased perspective and guide you both through productive conversations to find solutions that work for both of you.

Explore Compromises: Is there a middle ground that you both can agree upon? Maybe it's possible for her to find a job in the same city, even if it's not the same sector. Or perhaps you could discuss a timeline for her to explore opportunities in your city. Finding compromises can help address both of your needs and concerns.

Consider Long-Term Plans: Think about the long-term implications of your decisions. Moving to a new city with different cultural norms and starting from scratch can be challenging, especially if you have existing commitments and a stable life where you are now. Evaluate the pros and cons carefully before making a decision.

Personal and Professional Goals: It's important to keep your personal and professional goals in mind. You have worked hard to achieve your position and support your family. Make sure any decisions you make align with these goals while also considering your spouse's desires and career aspirations.

Financial Independence: You mentioned that you are financially independent. If your spouse is also capable of being financially independent, discuss how you both can contribute to your shared expenses and responsibilities, regardless of where you live.

Future Planning: If moving is inevitable, plan ahead. Research the new city, its job opportunities, and lifestyle. Think about how you can support each other during the transition and beyond.

Time and Patience: Complex issues like these take time to resolve. Be patient and understanding with each other as you work through your differences.

Remember that both partners need to compromise and work together for a successful and fulfilling marriage. It's important to prioritize open communication, mutual respect, and understanding each other's perspectives as you navigate through these challenges. If the situation becomes increasingly difficult to handle, seeking professional help can provide guidance and clarity.

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |586 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 19, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 19, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I am going through some situations in relationship with wife and not able to distinguish as what step shall I take In short I may explain We have arranged marriage We married in 2019 We had a distance relationship as both are working Due to some misunderstanding we detached from each other since April 2021 till July 2024 with zero contact and conversation Now she again contact me in July 2024 And decided to again start a new venture She put some demand As I am here now and may be posted anywhere in India wherever my company may post me For this I contacted one of my friend who works in same institution and is my childhood friend He told me yes it is good to take promotion and if she will take promotion then forever she will keep roaming anywhere in India My friend told me ( actually he knew all our situation of relationship) that see looking at your situation you both are already not living like a couple so she should think for social life which she can while refraining promotion which is possible. My wife now asking me as she wants baby And told me as baby will remain with me and since my wife had no brother she also told me as she would keep her parents forever with her. I told her ok I just want a life where we all may enjoy together and if we may be blessed with any baby so he or she should get love of all ( you ,me and our parents). She denied and told me it isn't possible Now am suffering from lots of thoughts and stress with uneven mood swings as if I go for baby then how it will work She isn't underpaid or unemployed Earning almost more than lakh a month I told her am ok with ur promotion but I want all should get love and care of baby Now I am struck in between
Ans: First, it’s important to acknowledge how difficult this must be for both of you after such a long period of no contact. Rebuilding a relationship after being apart for over three years, especially with such different expectations, will take patience, understanding, and honest communication.

It sounds like both of you have valid concerns. She wants to balance her career and family, and you want a life where the child is surrounded by love and stability. However, her desire to have her parents with her permanently and your concerns about how the baby will be raised need to be discussed thoroughly before making any decisions.

Your friend’s advice about considering how to balance personal and professional life is worth thinking about, but ultimately, this is about what you and your wife want from your relationship. A good starting point would be to sit down with her and have an honest, open discussion about your expectations. It's important to figure out whether both of you can compromise on certain issues. For example, can you find a middle ground where you both feel supported in your careers while also prioritizing the family dynamic you both envision?

Consider couples counseling, as it might help both of you communicate better and understand each other's perspectives more deeply. The key is to align your goals and see if you're both willing to make adjustments for the future you're trying to build together.

Lastly, take care of your emotional health. If you're feeling overwhelmed, it might help to talk to someone neutral or even a counselor to help you process your thoughts and make decisions with more clarity.

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8327 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 09, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - May 09, 2025
Money
Dear Sir, I am 55 and I am a stage 4 cancer patient for the past 5 years. Presently working with a salary of Rs.30 LPA. I have Rs.75 L in SB account. Rs.25 L in shares out of which Rs.12 L is loss. Rs.12 L in mutual funds. Rs.3 L in EPF. No commitments or liabilities. I need to know how I can get Rs. 70 K per month in case I lose my job. Kindly advise.
Ans: I truly appreciate your courage and clarity even in the face of health challenges. With your current financial resources and the need to secure a monthly income of Rs. 70,000, a detailed and careful plan is very much possible.

Let me give you a full 360-degree solution below, step-by-step.

Understanding Your Present Financial Picture
You are 55 years old and have been living with stage 4 cancer for 5 years.

You are still employed and drawing a salary of Rs. 30 lakhs per year.

You have Rs. 75 lakhs in your savings bank account.

You hold Rs. 25 lakhs in shares, with Rs. 12 lakhs in losses.

You have Rs. 12 lakhs in mutual funds.

Rs. 3 lakhs is in your EPF account.

You have no loans or financial commitments.

Your main concern is to receive Rs. 70,000 every month if the job stops.

You are not looking to take risks.

You want regular, reliable income without physical involvement.

Step 1: Emergency Medical and Health Fund
Health comes first. Keep money aside just for medical needs.

This fund should cover two years of your full household and medical costs.

Keep Rs. 15 to 20 lakhs aside for this purpose.

This money should be in ultra-safe places.

Prefer a savings bank account and liquid mutual funds.

This should remain untouched unless truly needed.

This emergency buffer gives peace and avoids panic in tough times.

Step 2: Generate Rs. 70,000 Monthly Income
Rs. 70,000 monthly means Rs. 8.4 lakhs needed per year.

Aim for post-tax cash flow from your investments.

Break your funds into income generation buckets.

Use your Rs. 75 lakhs from savings bank as the core capital.

Avoid keeping the full amount idle in SB account.

Allocate funds into low-risk, stable return instruments.

Prefer investment avenues offering quarterly or monthly payouts.

Choose options where you can withdraw in parts if needed.

Step 3: Structured Investment Allocation
Short-Term Bucket: 1 to 2 Years

Set aside Rs. 18 to 20 lakhs for short-term needs.

Put this money into highly liquid options.

Use only those that protect capital and give fixed income.

These funds will generate stable income for the next two years.

Prefer options offering monthly or quarterly payouts.

This will help replace your salary if job stops.

You don’t need to sell any shares or mutual funds right away.

You get time to think clearly, plan calmly.

Medium-Term Bucket: 3 to 5 Years

Keep around Rs. 25 to 30 lakhs here.

Invest in actively managed hybrid mutual funds.

Choose regular plans through a mutual fund distributor with CFP credentials.

Do not go for direct funds.

Direct plans do not come with personalised guidance.

There is no one to help you rebalance, switch or review.

Regular plans through a Certified Financial Planner offer ongoing support.

With hybrid funds, risk is moderate and returns are better than FDs.

Use SWP (Systematic Withdrawal Plan) to get monthly income.

You can set up SWP of Rs. 40,000 to 50,000 from this bucket.

These funds will last for years while also growing gradually.

Long-Term Bucket: 5+ Years

Keep Rs. 10 to 15 lakhs for the long-term.

This is not for current income, but for inflation beating growth.

Invest in actively managed large cap or balanced advantage funds.

Again, use regular plans with Certified Financial Planner.

These funds will build wealth for later stages.

You can shift gains to the medium bucket after 5 years.

Step 4: Shareholding Review and Action Plan
You have Rs. 25 lakhs in shares.

Out of this, Rs. 12 lakhs are in losses.

Do not sell them in a hurry.

Some may recover if you wait patiently.

First, make a list of all companies and their quality.

Exit poor-quality stocks even at a loss.

Retain good quality stocks with strong future.

If the whole portfolio is confusing, take help from a Certified Financial Planner.

You can harvest the loss now to set off gains later.

Book losses smartly to reduce future capital gains tax.

After cleaning up, move the proceeds to your medium bucket.

Step 5: Mutual Fund Review
You hold Rs. 12 lakhs in mutual funds.

Find out the type of each fund.

If these are equity funds, hold them long-term.

If returns are low or risk is high, shift to hybrid funds.

Avoid investing in index funds.

Index funds cannot protect capital in falling markets.

They simply copy the market blindly.

Actively managed funds are safer.

Professional fund managers take timely actions.

They reduce your risk and improve consistency.

Step 6: EPF Strategy
You have Rs. 3 lakhs in EPF.

EPF earns stable tax-free interest.

Do not withdraw unless it’s urgent.

Keep it as part of your long-term reserve.

Step 7: Monthly Income Setup
Use short-term and medium-term buckets to get income.

Start SWP from mutual funds for Rs. 40,000 monthly.

Use fixed income tools for Rs. 30,000 more.

Review this every year with a Certified Financial Planner.

Adjust amounts if needed based on inflation.

Step 8: Tax Planning and Awareness
Income from mutual funds is taxable.

Long-term capital gains above Rs. 1.25 lakhs taxed at 12.5%.

Short-term gains taxed at 20%.

Debt fund gains taxed as per your slab.

Plan redemptions to avoid tax shocks.

Harvest profits in a planned manner.

Step 9: Avoid These Common Mistakes
Do not invest in real estate.

It is illiquid and needs physical handling.

Do not buy annuities.

They give poor returns and lock your money.

Do not fall for insurance + investment combos.

If you already hold such policies, review them.

Consider surrender if return is poor.

Reinvest the proceeds into mutual funds.

Step 10: Use a Certified Financial Planner
A Certified Financial Planner gives structured and unbiased advice.

They help you with fund selection, SWP setup, rebalancing.

They guide you with tax-saving and risk control.

Their ongoing service is crucial at your life stage.

Choose someone with experience and clear credentials.

Finally
You are in a better financial position than many.

You have no loans, no dependents, and have built good savings.

With a calm and simple plan, you can replace your income safely.

You do not need to take risky steps now.

You have already shown strength by managing your life and job for 5 years.

Now your money should serve you with peace and stability.

Break your capital into buckets.

Get monthly income through safe withdrawals.

Review regularly with a Certified Financial Planner.

Avoid unnecessary complexity or noise.

You deserve a peaceful financial life.

Your health is precious. Let money be your quiet support.

Invest safe. Withdraw smart. Sleep well.

You are already doing well. Just add clarity and structure.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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