Home > Relationship > Question
Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help
Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |253 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on May 22, 2024

Ravi Mittal is an expert on dating and relationships.
He founded QuackQuack, an online dating platform, in 2010 with just two people. Today, it has over 20 million users in India.... more
Asked by Anonymous - May 21, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship

Any reservations/reasons for not answering my question DTD 16/5 ? I hv tried hard to make peace with this observation over the years but hv failed. I hoped for help from u. ALSO, I hv not forgotten a relationship that failed 20+ yrs back. Why m I not able to move-on as easily as girls do or as easily as u suggest to some who ask u a question? Seriously, suggest a way to let it go.. & keep it between us only pls. Thnx.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry to have made you feel overlooked but the matter of the fact is that the previously-asked question, as you mentioned, is and was not visible to me. I would be happy to try and help you. But I need to know a little more detailed picture of your concern. But generally speaking, every individual is different. Some cope better and move on faster and some don't. It has nothing to do with gender. Since it has been 20 years, I am not sure how helpful it will be to suggest focusing on your friendships, career and other important aspects of life. I am sure you have tried them all. It might help you to see a professional counselor who can help you cope in a more structured manner. But till you make up your mind about seeking professional help, I would suggest taking baby steps. Obsessing about moving on can hinder the process too. Introspect about some things- would your life have been so much better if you hadn't lost your ex? Is your life so bad right now? Are you not worth being in love with someone who loves you back? Should you really be spending your precious time thinking about someone who's long gone? And understand that it's okay to remember your past relationship as long as you are not acting on it. Having memories is not a crime.

Hope this helps.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1044 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 21, 2023

Listen
Relationship
Hello Anu Ji, Firstly thank you very much for your valuable time and feedback on problem. Thanks for understanding me & my POV in this small conversation. After so long Its you who had read between the lines .I am really very thankful of you , that you have given me such a lovely advice. But I am bit confused. After reading mail I was really get very positive and optimistic about my decision. I read ur mail 4 times , I got a positive ray of hope with lot of confusion comes with it . You said “You are possibly still healing from your divorce and are not ready to get into another marriage.” Yes this is the question. Its almost 7 years why I can’t be able to overcome from that dilemma and trauma which I got in past . You said “First, sort your mind out and then think of another relationship” , yes another question what should I sort it down and how ? You said “ what is it that you want and want to do?” this the problem which is not letting me move on.bcoz of this I am so much confused I can’t express you in word . I am not able to understand my wants ……………there is a Cat- Rat Race from Head to heart………from Heart to head all day. In simple words its (Kashmakash). You know ……….. I also want to get married, I want a companion …partner with whom I want to share my emotions, joy’s,……..happiness….etc., I want kids , I want to go for long drives , outings , dance with my wife , and lot of other small big things in my mind, which I was not able to do in past marriage. I want someone, to whom I can share my feeling when I am low. I am strong enough to take care of myself but u know … You need someone who say’s “Don’t worry Allz be well, I am with you “. But for this I have to Trust the other person that’s the thing I Am unable to do it . I don’t know why, I don’t Trust anybody now? why I am creating a vicious circle about trust .? You said one thing very beautiful “So, if you want to stop feeling helpless, take charge of your life and do what you think is right for you” these words really touched my heart .thanks for the encouragement and the words of strength. I really need it very badly. These words give me a new direction to think and bit of strength to my POV. Please forgive me about my English language ……. I am not very good at it and may be you find few thing repetitive and irritating. Pls ignore it . Hoping that I am able convey my POV and feelings of my problem so that u can easily understand…….and on that basis you give Your valuable feedback and advice. Thanks R@@J
Ans: Dear Raaj,
Thank you for your kind words.
The follow-up questions that you have asked me requires a deep-dive introspection from you. You have very clearly and intelligently come up with these questions which is difficult to do when in a problem. But you have managed to do that. So congratulations on taking the first step!

To clarify, always clear any remnants from the previous relationship before you begin a new one. Also, any relationship including marriage is something never to be entered into to please anyone. Do this only when you are ready and there is no need to give into any pressure. Your longing for a companion is sweet but as I have mentioned, ask all these questions to yourself and reflect.
Also, ask:
- am I completely ready to commit to a marriage?
- am I carrying any fear/anger from the previous marriage?
- how will I keep my relationship with my daughter after my marriage?

And yes, the day you learn to love yourself again, you will find it easier to trust again and that's why I said: Heal first...and then think of a companion. Without that trust, you will be playing a game again and it will not end well.
Take some time off to rediscover yourself and heal. Heal by loving yourself and things will flow without you having to chase one lady after the other. Love must be effortless and not chased or forced. Take a break; fear nothing...All will be well...

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1044 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 27, 2023

Listen
Relationship
Hello Anu Ji, Thanks for giving Your valuable time and Precious advice & feedback on my Question. I have no words to express my feeling that after so long somebody tried to understand me & my POV and above all helping in raising my moral & recognizing my ability in this messy and confusing state of mind. In your response you ask me to introspect few questions and tell u honestly I did that in alone . In those answer few were as clear as Crystal. But few of them confused me. I will be mentioning what u asked me to asked myself ……and what I have answer for that Questions. 1. - how will I keep my relationship with my daughter after my marriage? Answer :As in my divorce settlement she will be staying with her mother and since Nov2016 I have not seen her and not knowing nothing about her But praying to the almighty for the wellbeing for here all the time. 2. - am I carrying any fear/anger from the previous marriage? Answer: Yes, it is. There is lot anger, frustration which I have buried in the grave yard of my Heart . but the soul is still alive. its really very easy in words to say “MOVE ON”, try to forget the past , Forgive the person …. Let the karma do its course. It’s not easy ,when a person’s life has change 360degree.Madam ,since 2010 to 2017, I had face so much , u can’t imagine and I wouldn’t be able to describe. Those 8 yrs. are hell for me and for my parents. U know the saddest Part of this separation is who suffer the most after me is my Daughter . She & myself is and will be missing each other as Father &Daughter. After my divorce in 2017 , I have moved on so long in my life but there is something which dragging me back. 3. am I completely ready to commit to a marriage? Answer : this is the question which is annoying me, I’m not able figure it out . About my commitment , yes I am very much clear about this , I was, am & will be committed , to my relationship. But I have Trust issue’s. Right now I can say this only . Getting Married is just settling down in life is the core issue presently in my life ,not pleasing someone. I am not in that state of mind to please anybody as I am already seeking help to be Happy and in the search of the happiness which I lost .U know Time is great healer…….. & heal the biggest of the biggest wounds………but in the end leave with scar on ur mind for rest of the life . In the end , I would say I have a lot to share , lot to discuss , but there are some constraints. Hoping that ……I may have able to give You my POV to understand my current state of mind . Thanks R@@J
Ans: Dear Raaj,
Thank you for reaching out again.
You seem to have done your bit to reflect deeper which is amazing. Yet, with my experience of working with people on relationships, I can tell you one thing...
Never get into a relationship till you find the heart to trust again as trust is the only thing that will keep any relationship strong and that will happen only after the ANGER eases into something more useful. Is this possible, YES! Kindly seek the help of a professional who will help with this inner work on releasing anger and building trust. This person will be able to fathom your POV and guide you aptly.
Remember, the next person who you are seeking to engage with, will expect a person who trusts and loves; so, that's why heal from one before you get into another relationship. I am sure you understand this well.

All the best!

..Read more

Latest Questions
Dr Nagarajan J S K

Dr Nagarajan J S K   |39 Answers  |Ask -

Health Science and Pharmaceutical Careers Expert - Answered on Jul 19, 2024

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

Close  

You haven't logged in yet. To ask a question, Please Log in below
Login

A verification OTP will be sent to this
Mobile Number / Email

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to

Resend OTP in120seconds

Dear User, You have not registered yet. Please register by filling the fields below to get expert answers from our Gurus
Sign up

By signing up, you agree to our
Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

Already have an account?

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to Mobile

Resend OTP in120seconds

x