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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |536 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Feb 20, 2025

Ravi Mittal is an expert on dating and relationships.
He founded QuackQuack, an online dating platform, in 2010 with just two people. Today, it has over 20 million users in India.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Feb 12, 2025
Relationship

I moved to a new state to be with this girl. Work on marriage. She is Muslim, but modern a little since being in USA. Any way, she told me she was a virgin, outside of getting oral twice and and giving hand jobs to 2 guys after college.. so I could deal with that, as I’m no saint. But, it’s been about 10 months, ( we live together but really don’t because she can’t move in until marriage so stays at her parents home still really) but she told me recently her older brother (8 years older) and her other sisters use to have sexual relations but she doesn’t “ remember everything that happened “ but sounds like it was very explicit. Supposedly as a child up into about 8-12 ( claims she doesn’t know). But it wasn’t against her will she says. She also says her and her older sister in middle school was super intimate together.. but since she never did anything else besides the few things after college.., I don’t know how I feel, I dropped my life to be here, I feel lied to, betrayed, but I get why someone would not tell someone “ hey I’m not a virgin really because I had relations with my own siblings growing up “ but still.. I don’t know what to do, or if I can get over this, or if I’m being unfair. Please give me some guidance

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand it is a lot to take in, and rightfully so. If you are not comfortable with this, please reconsider the relationship. You do not owe anyone any explanation. There is a line of comfort and if this revelation has crossed the line, you can (if you want) part ways. You are not judging her, or disrespecting her. You are merely making a choice that aligns with your comfort and values. Please take your time and think this through. No one can say you have been unfair.

But if you think you can look past it, then that's ok too. After all, it's all about how you feel- there is no one right decision in this situation. But make sure you take enough time to think. This should not create problems in your future.
Hope this helps.

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |536 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 20, 2024
Relationship
Hi Sir, I met my wife in a matrimonial website.Our parents discussed our profiles and then we exchanged our numbers.We met once and then remained in contact for almost 9-10 months and during this period we became friends and met 3-4 times in public places.After that we both realised that we should see each other and get married.Then our courtship period started and I told her about my past and also told her that i had sex with my sex girlfriend.She also told me that she had 2 boyfriends and never had sex with anyone.I believed her and we met couples of times during our courtship period in cafes and hotels but never had sex.We discussed almost everything during that period and she confirmed that she is a virgin.After 6 months courtship period we got married and things were going good.After 10 months of marriage I found a chat backup on her phone and it was with her ex.They were discussing sex and with those messages it was clear that they had sex multiple times and she even took an Ipill due to unprotected sex... When i confronted her she again lied and denied the allegations.When i showed her the messages she confessed that they had sex thrice. I am broke now and this lie is taking all my peace and I am overthinking about this which is impacting my work as well.Though i am trying to be normal with her but somewhere in my conscious mind i keep on thinking this.The problem is that she lied not about the virginity. One fact that from the day we decided she never cheated on me and even i am very much loyal to her. need your help sir!!!!please suggest what to do now....
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I am glad you found your person. I understand that it is difficult for you to accept that she hid something that was important for you to know, especially when you shared your past experiences honestly. Your feelings are valid. But let's just take a second to think of this from a woman's perspective- it can be difficult for women to share certain details of their lives because of how easily society will judge them harshly for the same thing that they will ignore if a man does. I suppose she was afraid you would judge her too. Nevertheless, it was not right.

There are a few things to do now- first, focus on the positives. As you mentioned, she has been very loyal and loving to you- focus on that. Let the past be in the past; it can't be changed, but it can ruin your present and future if you let it. Second, if this revelation is causing extreme turmoil in your relationship, please consider seeing a marriage counselor together, or you can also see a therapist alone. They are professionals and can help you navigate your feelings in a more structured way.

Best wishes

..Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |536 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Feb 10, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 08, 2025
Relationship
Me and my girlfriend we both are in relationship from about last 2 years (almost). After such a long time I got to know that she had 2 relationships before me that too she didn't told I got to know it by third person she was sexually involved too (not intercourse but yes other things with one of them)... When I asked her that why you didn't told anything to me before she said she was scared that if she'll tell it to me so I'll leave her and she really did not wanted that... She was scared to loose me. And she was still in contact with that guy and when I asked her that why you were still in contact with him (it's been around 3 years they got separated) so she says that she is like that only... She can't deny anyone because of her soft hearted nature but she did not had any feelings for him. She also said that once she even went to meet him when he requested to meet and also on the same she claims that her soft hearted nature has done that she wasn't able to deny. I loved her too much but now all these things are hurting me like anything. (She is my first relationship before her i never had anyone)
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand that you are hurt and the complexities of the hearts might be difficult sometimes to grasp. The first reason for your sorrow, her past relationship, and the fact that she was physically intimate with them is not completely justifiable. Though I understand that you feel hurt because she did not disclose it to you, still it should not matter so much as to ruin your present relationship. And whether she will open up about such sensitive details is actually up to her. It has nothing to do with how much she loves you or trusts you. Please understand that.

Now coming to the next thing, the fact that she is still in touch with them and has even met one of them, that is slightly concerning. It would have been okay if she did that openly- please understand that I am not saying she should have asked for your permission, but rather discuss the same with you. Moreover, in a relationship, it is also important to understand how much your partner is comfortable with- goes for both men and women. If you are uncomfortable with her relationship with her exes, she should consider that. I would have said the same if the table was turned. I suggest you have a clear conversation with her and express how you feel about this situation- depending on how she reacts and how the conversation goes, you both can think about the next step.

Hope this helps.

..Read more

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